Ep. 228 Mashed

M let me finish. This is the first time I committed a hate crime. Maybe they'll jerk my dick off or you know, like something like that. Yeah, probably we've disgusted. I'm associate Bath. You are rested my.

Ship put any trash ship.

You're worst friend. Do you want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking broms you hang around with. Do you want to go on my phone? Do you want to play?

No?

What You're gonna play a game on my phone? No?

I don't think No. I get to start the show though. Right now. You know we're talking about your phone. In a second, you're listening to your Worst Friend with Shane and Matt. I'm Matt, and I'm joined today by my friend and co host man who has a phone. Shane.

Oh boy, it's time to sit here for an hour in a chair.

You're really that antsy?

Oh dude, you don't like sitting in chairs for a whole hour your.

Phone head say you could stand up if you want and go where you can walk around that room If you leave the room, the audio sounds real bad, though, so don't do that, dude.

That's like being on the Amistad and the slave Driver being like you could roll over on that other guy. If you're uncomfortable on that one, go.

To your Worst friend dot com. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram at worst Friendcast. Most importantly, I want you to go to patreon dot com slash worst friend Cast. It's a dollar a month and you get a bonus episode every week. And I'm announcing this now. I've yet to even think about it, but I'm announced this now. On the Patreon there is currently a seven day free trial that I believe you can sign up for for the Patriot anyone can you can? Anyone can so Patreon

Why in that order?

Uh, because the mister Kelly story from high school still makes me fucking laugh. How you called it out on that it was there were two examples of calling out a teacher, that were awesome. One time I called out Stenson and I reminded her and she remembered this when I saw her like four years ago or something.

Oh yeah, you were like, oh I remember that time in class and she's like, oh, the time you saw my pussy.

She always the first thing she asked was how is Shane doing? When I saw her? And now here you are talking about it.

Camper, Yeah, stiff for her gash she.

Uh no, she said something. She's like, blah blah blah, and he died in March, and then in November of that year he went to the store blah blah blah. And I raised my hands said, I thought you just said he died like six months earlier, and she goes, you know what, you're right. I was just kind of bullshitting this stuff. It was the only time she cursed in front of us. She goes, you're right, You're you're right, Matt, And then she went back and started something else or new the other she.

Was like, just making up a story about her what she's doing.

No, it was about a famous author. Maybe she was like, these kids are fucking retarded. Will never know the difference.

That's probably what a lot of teachers do. That's why I don't know anything.

The other great example of calling out a teacher on something was you and mister Kelly when we were talking about slave ships. Now, I don't know if you remember. Do you remember the analogy mister Kelly used. Mister Kelly, who was later fired, we were that's a weird situation we should talk about for a second too. But okay, mister Kelly was talking about how terrible the conditions were on the slave ships coming over from Europe, right, and it was right, yeah, that's true. For some people.

It was very comfy and profitable, spacious.

So mister Kelly used an analogy to talk about the awful, you know, hellish conditions that they would keep the slaves in underneath. And what was the analogy he used.

Like stuff in five pounds of crap in a two pound b.

I think it was ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag, and you raised and he wanted us to feel that emotionally, like he told us, like, you know, think about it, picture yourself. Your name is and you have just been taken into slavery, and you're in that ship and you are crammed in there bodies all around you, almost like you're one of the ten pounds of crap that is in this bag that only holds five pounds of crap. And you raise your hand and you went,

It sounds like Kat Williams doing any white person.

It was definitely before your balls dropped, so that's why it's a little bit higher pitch. You know, later on when you were getting pussy and stuff, we would be like, oh my name Shane, you know.

Oh yeah, when I would go around and be like, fuck you pussy, like in senior year of high school, and it was tough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah that yeah, yeah you did. You did talk a lot of ship though, and you you spent three years coming off as the school shooter and then you got in shaped and decided that you were going into the military.

People instead of shooting everybody, I just punch them.

Yeah, except you didn't even have to. I thought a lot of guys were really like nervous to fuck with you, almost like like look, I know anything.

I didn't know anybody who was nervous to fuck with me?

Who fucked with you when I came a marine?

Oh in the other Marines.

No, yeah, they don't count senior year like senior year of high school when you committed.

Yeah, no, one really fucked with me. But at the same time, like there was no like, there was no like new relationships formed. It was like I got real cool all of a sudden senior year, and all of a sudden I was on a football team and dating a cheerleader or anything like. Nothing like that happened. I was still a fucking scumbag, and I hung out with a bunch of losers like you.

Okay, all right, okay, Well you called out mister Kelly on that referring to slaves as some of the crab.

Oh yeah, I said, mister Kelly, did you just refer to the slaves as pieces of ship? And then he got all apologetic. He's like, well, yeah, but I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to call you black pieces and shit implied that you smelled like them. Yeah, he got all fucking backpedaling, and shit, fuck you, mister Kelly.

Oh he was cool, he was nice.

I liked our teacher that came after way better.

He was a Nazi.

Yeah, no, not the Nazi, the one that gave us sees.

I didn't we have mister k and you kept you kept calling would you keep calling him a Nazi? No my name? You would go like this, you'd go, my name's mister K. Mister k K k.

Oh.

Yeah I did call him mister KKK yeah yeah, yeah no, But he left and then we got mister Dennery and he just gave.

A c oh. Yeah, he was like he seemed like he got a d y and they fucking forced him.

To be there. Yeah. It was that or jail.

Yeah.

Yeah, he troubled youths. They got rid of two of their last teachers. You think he can handle them, because if not, you're going to six years in the slammer.

They're all getting seas. No one fails, no one does too great.

Yeah that was a good strategy, man. Yeah.

He was weird. He like didn't speak to And I remember one time I tried to fucking butter that guy up to kind of do a little bit better. And I came to see him after Clays. I'm gonna suck his dick. I tried to butter the guy up.

I was like, uh, butter them down, greesome down.

Uh. I was like, mister mister Dennery, good pool on the name that's I was like, mister Dennery. You know, I really like what we were learning about. I did, I did this. I was pathetic because it was getting I think it was getting less than sees.

I was the one statement.

Call the slave talk. Maybe we could organize like an auction in class. How would you feel about it, that, mister mock auction. Hey, I'm just trying to fulfill the requirements of my parole. Okay, all right, goodbye.

Take it to the principal. Yeah. Yeah, he was a fucking piece of shit. But yeah, all of our teachers in high school pieces of shit. Do you remember teach big fat lady with all the liver spots and moles and skin tags, You guys knew her.

I never had a right Yeah, I mean kind of. She took up half the hall.

But yeah, well dude, yeah, she literally looked like Kirby. She was like two sticks with just a pink ball on top. It was fucking wild. But yeah, that was another situation where it was like one teacher I think got fired and then the next one quit and then we got Teach and I it was another one of those things. It's like, where did this fucking lady come from? It really was like a mister Holland's Opus meets one eight seven type situation.

You know, what's the other one? What's the Summer School? You ever see that flick?

Was that goy like Craig T. Nelson or something. I don't I think it's got.

The guy from one of those Academy snow n CIS shows or something, but it was the same thing. He was basically oh Mark.

Oh yeah, dude, this movie. Yeah, and then there's a fucking sequel, Ski School. These movies are trash, yes, but cire loved fun. No, these are great. Yeah yeah, Like this is a style of comedy that's tragically gone out of fashion with the me too movement. Like these these movies like The Porky's American Pie. You know movies where guys like get the fuck off the licks of peanut butter off their dick and then they fuck a pie and then at the end every guy loses the virginity

Movies have definitely declined since the Me Too movement. Everything is too pussy now even before that, though, I don't even think you can make super band nowadays. Really, yeah, girl, I feel like leg and.

I feel like when the creators of the film are super like white Knidish, you know, cucks, when they're like, what is that Jonah Hill thing where he's like, I can't believe I said the f slur because it's the most heinous atrocity the Holocaust. Those guys usually get a pass on a lot of jokes that we don't.

Those guys don't matrix guys jokes anymore, not twenty twenty four, unless they put it behind animation.

Yeah.

I figured that equation out like a long time ago. And now, like Seth Roger, I bet you there's gonna be some jokes that are non PC in this Sausage Party TV show that's coming out or.

That's coming out that's a thing.

Oh yeah, you didn't know about that.

I liked Sausage Party.

I liked it too.

The grape soda rapes the fucking bagel or whatever. That was a good movie.

I think when the grape soda punches the bagel that's walking down the street in a minute in New York and then they fucking reported as a hate crime. Uh, but it gets looked at one way. What was I gonna pull up here? Oh? You said you were watching another show. And let me tell you, the last four days have been a fucking blur to me because I decided to take off the Friday. Yeah, pretty much, but

I has some.

I'll take you. Yeah, I'll take them if you don't. But she's like, I don't want to take them anymore. And I was like okay, And I got this vape pen from the store. I was like, try this. You know, it's fucking wee whatever, Like she's still in pain.

But you had her vape the hydro codone pills.

Yeah, yeah, I bust the live resin or whatever else, and I just I crush up a hydro codon, I cook it try this, it's better. So no, no, no, she's just like, I don't want to take those pills, like they don't make her feel good, she feels nauseous on them.

Whatever, She got to take more for that.

So if anyone needs a ball forty prove hurt me? Oh uh, just kidding.

That'll last a whole weekend, not for already laying. Oh yeah, he probably. I mean does he have a nose still? I don't believe so no, yeah, Like he parties like no other was it.

It fucking nuts when guys like rush Limball or were like, you know, I would take sixty five viken ins a day.

It's how Yeah, how does that work? That's the tolerance, and it's wild.

I understand that's like, you're right, You're one hundred percent right. I'm just saying, realistically, how does that fucking work?

Dude? Man? I honestly, I when I think about alcohol, I had a friend in the Marine Corps die from alcohol poisoning. Hitman. He he had been drinking just all day. This was on Christmas leave, my first year in the Marines, so he had been just he had been home with his family on Christmas Eve, just drinking drinking, like partying. He'd gone like different places to different houses, different parties, and he had been drinking like ever clear. He was

Was he vaccinated? I'm just kidding.

I know this was, yeah, but there was no COVID vaccine. Yeah. Yeah, it was like seventeen years ago. Now how long have we been out of high school? That's when this was Oh sick, eighteen years Oh my god, that's disgusting. I hate it anyway. So yeah, when I think about the amount of alcohol I used to put down after just a year of drinking every single day, I wonder if what happened to Pittman is just because he had he was just going so hard and he had never done

They say so many addicts die when they come back from rehab and stuff because their tolerance is now like zero and they go back to doing the amount they don't know. So I always thought my brother died from fentanyl, but it wasn't. It was cocaine and heroin, yeah and day yeah yeah yeah, But it was after he had been cleaned for a while. So I always wonder if it was he just took too much more than his tolerance and it just gave out. I don't know if it was hard, just I don't know what it is.

I feel like it would make me constipated, like it and does do that?

Yeah yeah, oh man, I bet he didn't shit for months.

Oh. That's a huge problem with opiate addicts is they have like they get hooked on laxatives and they have fecal impaction. So they got to go get all their shit cleaned out of their asshole because it's all packed in there like like shit, yeah, well the ten pounds of it, the five pound asshole.

The the uh. The opioid crisis is so bad. I'm now seeing pharma commercials for like do you have to shit? Or do you have to do? You feel like you don't have to shit, but you really should because it's been weeks. And it's for like people who are opioid dependent or whatever it is. I don't know, man, it's fucked.

It's not for the old people who are incontinent. No, it's no.

It's specifically marketed for people who take opioids. And I think they say, do you take opioids for chronic pain?

But I understand that, but that's all pain is chronic. If you're sad about it.

That's a good point. So the last four days where blur, we did, however, watch a show. I don't mean to insult you because I am talking about people who watch reality TV here, but as I've been editing this season and going deeper, Jen sits like you know, on the other side of the room, and she just watches true crime shit all day, like all day long, just true So she went down to take a shower, and I was all fucked up just from my vape.

And.

I put on America's Sweethearts the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a show on netfat. She came back up and she goes, what are we watching? I go, I don't know. I was trying to rop my fucking brain like you do with shit like this, and then she goes, no, it's fine. I said, no, it's for dumb people. But the show was not terrible. It was somewhat They're all I.

Like how these girls are are all like basically just trash and whoores, but they think they're real poised and professional.

See, I don't you gotta watch it, man, That's why Jacks really got into it.

Okay, I'm just playing with you, man. I watched the cuts. I watched the thunderstruck routine.

See, I don't know if you were kidding because I went into it with I mean, I know you are. Now I'm saying I didn't know if you were kidding because I went into it with the same mindset. I was like, yo, I bet these girls are pigs. I bet they teach them how to dance bubbah and no, like these women, these pigs they are still like.

The Navy Seals of chick stuff.

Yeah, they kind of do their ship.

The Navy Seals are the Navy Seals of guy stuff because they kill and kick ass. This is the Navy Seals of chicks stuff because it's girly and makeup and hair and dance right exactly, girl shit, yeah, girl shit.

A bat lady. The main lady is a fucking bitch man.

Yeah, but wasn't she a cowboy bitch from the eighty seven to the ninety nine or something. She was like the best one.

I don't know, she was the best one, but nepotism definitely played a role. I would agree with you. Yes, she is there because of that. God damn. How hot is it there.

Here in Reno? Yeah, let's find out on my weather app because I like to know the official number.

I was just wondering, when did you find anymore armpits? Go for a swim? You are soaked, man.

Am I?

Yeah? A little bit?

Ah, dude, it's just my fucking tit sweat.

They wrap up.

You lost all this weight?

No one knows. Before I even met you, you used to have giant tits that went down to your knees. It was a medical anomaly, and then you lost some weight and you were able to tuck them. But now they fall to your sides.

I understand them in my armpits, and nobody sees them dangling my shirt. I have to walk around with my arms clenched all the way to my fucking chest like this. They don't fucking fall out.

You always look like the fucking Notre Dame fucking symbol clenched, fighting, irish, fucking I'm just trying to find this one, this one right here, this broad Wilse Netflix show, the Cowboys show.

Her name looks like the Scarecrow from the animated Batman series.

She absolutely does. It's a great fucking call. Second thing, she looks like her eyes are so dead. She looks like a Westworld robot kind of, and they skinned it to be a Cowboys cheerleader.

Yeah. And now that you said that she has an uncanny appearance, that that valley right there between right human and bizarre and grotesque.

Yeah, the last step before AI figures it out and really kind of takes over all media is that uncanny valley where you can just kind of tell.

Maybe she's a like a deployment from the Tesla Company, like the first first AI woman cheerleader, gal.

Elon Musk announces she's a fucking crazy pussy bot.

Is that the official? That's the line, A crazy pussy bot Super Tesla.

You would call it a CBP or something and people would go to the stud for cruisy pussy bot and he would go, no, do his little faggy doctor e Wait is it Jily, it's July, we're at I probably okay cold his faggy little doctor evil thing. I like Elon Musk. I think he's doing more for I like more that he got turned on by the people who loved him for so long. It feels nice, it's cool. I enjoy that. But he is obnoxious. Let's not get it wrong. I don't suck Elon Musk's dick. He's obnoxious.

But yes, I don't know who that is.

Yeah, me either, some African guy probably.

Skip.

Okay, So the last four days, like I said, have been somewhat of a blur. I only left the house for a few occasions.

And why is this again? Because you took percocet. No, No, the Dallas Cowboys.

Just weed a lot of weed and just chilling and Jen prefers that to the stuff for her neck injury. So whatever, fuck it.

You know, dude, it's not like she's gonna get hooked. That doesn't happen when you got an injury. You taking it for a real thing.

Yeah, we both have a history, a family history of it. Just not going to tempt it.

So just crush it and then snort it. If you don't like it, spit it out.

I don't know how that works.

You'll feel it dripping down the back of your throat. Spit that out, spin it out, so I uh, it's like that's how you test it to see if you like it. If you don't like it, you just spit all that stuff out instead of swallowing it down. You're supposed to swallow it.

Oh I didn't like it, Oh okay, don't.

Worry about You've never done cocaine.

No, never done coke, not even once.

Oh man, I've only knowingly done No. I've done it a couple of times. Actually, But the cool time the one time that it was like actually like oh wow, this is like this is a movie or something I'm in below I mean Johnny Depp's it was like this. No, it was like what's a It was like booge night. Yeah, it was like a party and just like everyone was

Yeah that's what the skin just said too.

Yeah, okay, yeah, I mean you can't believe whatever you want. It's it's It would be cooler if I had drug stories to to give you from this, but no, and fortunately it's just my sinuses. So yeah, this one time I'm doing coke in this room, I was like, oh.

I got this nose problem actually, so I don't know if I should snort this.

And I did kind of feel like a fucking chump after I said that. But then this dude, it's fucking crazy. I'll have to find you the picture. I'll find it on our break and we'll look at it on the on the Patreon and you can tell me how crazy this fucking guy looks. But uh, this dude was like, Oh, don't worry, don't worry. You got a nose problem, don't worry.

Could you see yourself doing it if you were no longer able to get your adderall.

No, it's not a similar it's not it's not the same thing. It's different feeling. It's like cocaine is like the.

Word cocaine replace for you if you like, if you were saying I can't do energy.

Captine, Yeah, yeah, it would replace my energy drinks for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. It's like it's weird. Adderall makes you not only focus, That's the thing. I wouldn't say adderall actually helps my focus. It just directs my focus, you know what I'm saying, Like it keeps me on a task. With that. When I'm not on adderall, I'm I'm like, I'm weak to my thoughts. I'm just I give in to every single thought. If I'm doing dishes and I think about laundry, I'll

You're doing one hundred and twenty miles an hour, and adderall doesn't slow you down. It's just without adderall, you're weaving all over the roads and this and that. With adderall, you're staying in the lines. It's it's God rails for you.

Yeah, and the coke and cocaine is literally gasoline, literally like pouring gasoline in the tank.

It's fucking uh in. You didn't even like Mad Max and Thever. I won't waste the reference on you.

No, I like the Road Warriors.

Talking about Fury Road.

Okay, Oh well, maybe I'll like Fury Road more after I see Furiosa.

Oh okay, because you want to, I won't. You want to see a strong chick. And people were bitching about that, and that's the wrong thing to bitch about. Furiosa was a good.

Character, a good female, strong character.

Like pick the stuff that sucks to really bitch about.

Okay, but then they gotta admit they saw it.

No, you can just say this is your typical blah blah blah bullshita. No one, none of those reporters actually saw Sound of Freedom, that fucking right wing movie.

They just said, I'm I'm gonna watch it. I'm planning to.

We should. I've heard it is no better than a lifetime movie, if I'm being honest.

But oh man, the only lifetime movie I like is the one where the girl gets the bat shoved in or pussy.

We have talked about that before. Yeah, that's the girl from fucking Princess Diaries and hostile Tann Hathaway. No, the other one, her fucking doofy looking friend.

Oh yeah, well she had it coming.

Yeah.

I am thenne Hathaway of this show though, Oh yeah, dude, And I'm the Billy Zine.

I think you might be. The doofy looking friend.

Is Billy Zaine and Princess Diary.

They don't know what Billy Zanes. I don't follow his career. After the Phantom, I was done with him. That was the pinnacle.

Yeah, that was his apex.

So I was like, I said, fucked up the other night, and it was like it was right here, one fifty seven in the morning, okay, okay, And I was like, oh, I'm gonna go check and see if I had any of my sports bets hit, and I went on and none of them hit. And I'll just do like literally five dollars bets this and that, right, and none of them hit. So I again, I'm all fucked up. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna put fifty dollars in and play in the casino.

Right, that's smart.

So at two am in the morning, I'm playing slots well, sitting quite literally on the toilet, not going to the bathroom, sitting on top of the lid of the toilet because I was gonna take a shower. But I was like, oh, better check my sports bets first, because I was all fucked up.

Right, I do that and my legs fall asleep.

So I play a fucking slots game first role, right, I win fifty bucks.

I holy shit, WHOA cool?

So I put fifty dollars in and I get up to one hundred, I'm like whoa. In my head, I go, you should leave now, that'd be cool. But then there's a part of me, this thing I call it like a scumbag spirit, you know. It's it's this force. It's almost Native American kind of We're like a two spirit thing where something comes into your ears and your head and goes yeah, but if you leave now, you're not going to hit.

The big jackpot. You know.

Sure you made some money, Guardian angel, but like a couple more spins, it's the big one. Yeah, I look at it as a Guardian angel. It does want me to kill my family sometimes though, so I don't know that that is necessarily the Christian.

God's plan, but yeah, I mean, Isaac fair point.

So I go, I'm at one hundred bucks. I'll play it down to seven twenty five dollars and then walk away.

Okay, that's still good, though stupid by a subway sandwich.

So I fucking I don't know if this has sound. It doesn't. So two rolls later, I hit this fucking thing for seven hundred and fifty.

Dollars, right, oh bitch.

And this little arrow thing here. What's cool about it is this paid seven hundred and fifty. Then this thing clicks up and it pays another seven hundred and fifty. So at the end you.

Won fifteen dollars.

Well yeah, if you look at the balance down the bottom, I won fifteen hundred dollars.

Okay, total win the fuck.

And then I was like I was at sixteen hundred the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Look I was at sixteen hundred. See there. Now, this is why this is good, because I had seventy six dollars to my name for the next eight days and that was terrible. So I was like, oh shit, I got sixteen hundred dollars. And then I was like, you know what I'll do.

Problems are solved.

All my problems are solved. But I was like, you know what I'll do. I'll just play that down to fifteen hundred and taking out fifteen hundred would be great, right holdly yeah, And then I fucking won another four hundred dollars.

What the shit is wrong with you?

Stop it?

Yeah, man, stop it.

And then I was like, oh, I'll just play it down to the next whatever denomination was. I don't even know where I was at that point. And then I went under two hundred dollars, Holy.

Tits, And then what is going on? And then I said, it's four twenty two in the morning now, by the way, and you're at three percent battery. You went from thirty three percent to three. That's good. You have a good, strong, healthy battery. Those come back be right. Overtook me. That's cool though, I mean, you're winning, right.

And then I took out twenty one hundred dollars and I'm good. What the hell I'm telling you to do with it? It fucking only perials with it. It's funny showing no the banks have it now.

I don't know, man, I don't know if I trust them with it. You might want to send it here in the mail.

I never feel like I can catch up. I just never feel like I can catch up.

Oh, if you feel like you've caught up with this two thousand, let me just shatter that illusion for you. I had sixty grand a couple months ago from my home equity loan, and this month I'm wondering how am I going to pay the mortgage next month? Yeah?

You did a lot with it, though, I mean I got some floor floor, Yeah, sixty grands all off our floor. Did you put a down payment on a car?

I also got a water heater, hot water heater. What about the car, Well, we didn't get the car yet. We got the money for the car. It's sitting there like tied up. It's the car money, but we just didn't get it yet. It's the car money. I could use it for something else. If you give me an idea, let me.

Tell you about this than a car. Yeah, if there's this slot machine, all right, if you really want to just quintuple your money more than that, go to this slot machine. It's on your phone.

Well, I don't know, man, I'm wary about I think I'm just bummed about money at the moment.

Because kidding, I'm not convincing you to do that, you know that, right.

No, I didn't feel pressured at all. I just had just had this app on my phone waiting to be opened, and it was just at your recounting this magical evening of marijuana and percocet and spinning slots that I decided to open it up and put in my username and password and making an account. We'll see what I can do with that car money. No, but I'm kind of bummed about money. I think it's just like I'd left a bad taste in my mouth because I had a

You might be joking, but I feel that way. Sometimes it depends. It really depends. Like when you told me your house value went up real high, I was really happy for you. And then when other people tell me like, oh.

I always got to pay more property tan, it's weird, no, because I was happy for you.

But if another close friend of mine was like, my parents gave us this money for this down payment on this house, blah blah blah, so that's how we got it moved in, I would just be like, oh, I wish that house would burn to the fucking ground with you inside of it. I don't know, like I don't feel like they've earned it. I feel like you you've earned it, you know why, because you've been through the ship.

I feel like, oh, dude, I did step in ship a lot of times.

And you don't act like you're better than anyone.

I am though.

Yeah, well no, I know, but sure a lot of people sure I understand.

Oh no, but you have this good No. I am happy for you to have this money, but it's just like have one time, it's gone, it's wait, but you but you got to like use it, you know. So we we had like our play money, and then we have the money that's just sitting there for the car, trying not to touch it for anything. So we're just using our paychecks and stuff to pay for shit. And the other day I was working. It was a it was a Thursday, because I'm off the whole weekend. I'm

Fuck you fucks. You're always so fucking loud, and you don't consider my work life and I need to concentrate, and you guys don't fucking think about me at all, and I'm.

Better than you, and yeah, I made a lot of points that in hindsight probably were not accurate.

Accually, you may have spewed some misinformation.

Yeah, and we're also probably pretty insulting. So after I got off work, I realized like, oh, I haven't beat any at all today, and I don't, so I've got to go get some. Normally, I drive pretty far to a dispensary that has good prices and I'll stock up. But I didn't want to do that because I had just fucking yelled at my family felt like an idiot. It's like one of these cycles I go through with my fucking mental health or whatever, where I just I

So, man, you're not wrong, You're not wrong. I asked someone for extra dressing at Salad Works the other day so they would not look away from me, or so they would look away from me so I could tip zero. Oh, salad Works, you just put it in a fucking bag.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're not doing anything extra. They didn't bring it to you, So you want to So you want to stiff this guy? Uh?

And you go to Wendy's First.

Sorry. Yeah. So I go up to the window and I'm like, did I get a double stack? And Uh, that's it. And I go to pull around and I pull out my wallet, and I'm telling myself, remember to pay with the cash, because you need the cash to stiff the guy at the dispensary. I open my wallet and there's no cash, and so I'm frantically like feeling around, looking in the credit card slot of the wallet, looking in the crack of the door, or looking in the

If you were to show up and there were cash already there that you had yet to even request.

Yeah, this is the smile of a kid who finds a twenty dollars bill in the gym locker room and it was double the size. So what does that tell you? Forty dollars? Right? So I start punching my seat and screaming the F word, the fuck one, not the fagot one. And I realized that my only option if I am to make it through the next few days is to withdraw the remaining forty dollars from my account, ensure that I put it into my wallet out with my plan, so that I can still tip less at the dispensary,

Did you go back to Wendy's.

No, I went to Jack in the Box because I felt like an idiot.

So I went to Jack in the box because I felt like an asshole for what I did. Yeah, okay, you're cool going.

Back to Wendy's. Probably, I probably won't go back until they changed crew again.

I was gonna ask ye, how long of a wait that is?

Now? Probably it's usually like a six month turnaround.

Can we can we go to Wendy's. Dad, No, I'm going to Jack in the box nowhere else because you were being loud.

Because you yelled in your room that Thursday.

I have absolutely done that at walmarts and grocery stores before. Oh this has done this. Oh it's never happened to me. Oh my god, I've done it probably five times. Never at an ATM. At an ATM, you're going for a singular purpose, so that one, you know, but cash back at stores, I have absolutely I've left my last twenty in a machine. I've left what what was actually negative thirty two at a machine or positives whatever it was. It was too big for my account and I got

I've definitely Biden was going to solve those HI overtry.

That well, this was fourteen years ago. But yes, I was real fucking broke. That was like best buy four hundred dollars paychecks every two weeks, so to lose forty bucks in a fucking oh you know, Walmart, and you know it wasn't some nice guy. Actually, it was probably someone who fucking needed it.

I thought that too about this black kid, Like if I had seen him with that smile in different circumstances, would I have wanted to tail him and shoot him in the head when he got out of his car.

Sure, plant the gun on him, say the guy pulled out first in your state, that would just go.

They would give you a medal. Plant the gun on him, Say I don't know what he's pull a gun out, shot him up in the head in the middle of the street, told me he wanted me to have his car, and it's forty dollars.

Oh fuck yeah, it's ah, yeah, I've been there.

So I drove home real upset. Yeah, didn't talk to my family all night. Made him think it was their fault.

But we know I've I've been trying to do that with my mom ever since my brother died. My mom has felt the need to glom onto me or my dad and whatever else. And it was like she spent so much time taking care of my brother and everything, like oh, babying him and whatever, get them to rehabs and whatever else, that when that was gone, she just had the need to help people and to do whatever. So and then after my dad died, I mean, she's become a mess. So anytime I see her, it's in

No?

No, no, no, no no, you're not a doctor.

You don't know that.

And it's it's I don't try.

To Oh man, that's like just a real quick digression that rinds. I had a coworker the other day asked me a question and I was like, did you not go to training? It's rude. Yeah, it just came out of me. I thought about it after I said it, and I was like, oh boy, that was harsh, but yeah, it just came out like it was just the fucking question was so stupid. It was like, are we allowed to do this, and and my answer in my head was literally, it's your fucking.

Job, you know.

I had I had someone ask me something at work today, and my response was I looked at it, I read it, and I responded to something that just made no sense. And I realized it wasn't that I was wrong, and it wasn't even that I read their question wrong. It was that their question wasn't connected whatsoever to anything, Like you think do you think the Yankees will win Friday? When Spaceship takes off to go to moon? And you go, fuck, is that connected? What are you talking about?

I think when actually connected everything? You think Yankees will win Friday? Spaceship going moon?

Cat it's a better example.

Yeh.

See, I can't dumb myself down. You are so smart, You're able to droop yourself to the levels of stupidity.

See I'm so stupid. I can trick people into thinking I'm smart.

That's the greatest trick the Devil ever played.

Yeah, dude, I'm the devil. I like that.

I don't know, all right. I got a guy here, homeowners association president freaks out on kids using the community pond to fish. Is that what it's for don't know, Let's take a look and we'll see. But this guy really loses his fucking mind. I will say that.

I love when I whenever I see a still of somebody with their face in that that chin heathum sucked in like look like like they're sucking on a lemon and shitting out the biggest baseball they've ever had in their asshole. At the same time, whenever I see that, I know it's gonna be a good video. Yeah.

So, I got some questions for you on parenting and just shit like this in general, home homeownership in general. Okay, okay, uh, all right, let's watch this.

God damn, those are some nice houses.

Yeah, okay, so he just walked over, grabbed a fishing run out of this kid's hand, and snapped it over his fucking knee.

Is that a swastika in the No, I.

Don't believe it is, Tennessee. No, it's like the old worker type of symbol thing.

Okay, Tennessee strom. Okay, so this is a shithole state, all.

Right, Nice houses in a shithole nice house, beautiful hat absolutely something you want to take care of, right.

Or pay Some Mexicans to take something you.

Would like me. Absolutely, you're not taking care of that yourself. If you're in that house, you know, let's say.

Passing on private property, you're trespassing, waiting.

For the place to come you ready, here, we're.

Gonna talk to me, talk to him.

Okay, this is interesting. This is an interesting situation.

Right.

So here's what I'm thinking.

God, we have no old people who do this shit are just right off the bat. If you're an old person trying to intimidate kids.

This kid's literally this isn't some seventeen year old who yeah he's tiny too.

Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. It's like, if you're trying to intimidate kids as an adult and they're not yours, Like, I get it, you're a parent. Your kid's mouthing off, like, we all have limits, like, we can all be pushed, right, like, But if you're doing this to someone else's kid, and that's a problem, that's the.

Kind of shit I want to talk to you about. In a sec let's take a look at it. So here's what I am thinking. It is though, I'm thinking these homes back up to this pond maybe, and that's what you pay for to have it back the pond, right, and this is maybe technically his backyard that they're standing in fishing, Like maybe their property line goes out to the water or something like that could so maybe they had random kids in their backyard. Now here's here's devil's advocate.

For that, you know. Well yeah, and if you injured the kid on your property, you would potentially be held liable for that.

Well for sure, yes, yes, yes, uh. And this guy's I think obviously drunk. But let's play it. So, I, well, let's say you.

Want that phone to go in the lake back way out here?

He walked back up, back up, back up. I take a phone and put it in the lake.

Yeah, Now, press charge is for what like a soul?

For what a soul? Yeah, I'm not a saultant.

Get out of here.

I don't think he knows what a sault is.

I don't know if anyone knows what assault is.

I think assault can be a lot of things assault can be. It doesn't even have to always be physical, Like that's the thing is like assault is anything where you're like attacked, threatened. It's like different by state. Battery is when you're beating the ship out of somebody. Gotcha, gotcha? Okay, all right, all right, let's see, we're just gonna wait. We're not gonna mess with anything here. When you're fishing in a private lake. Get the hell out of here.

Now, the cops are coming. We're just waiting for them.

Okay, good, you know what.

We're going to prosecute.

So your parents are gonna be real proud of that.

All right, We're gonna prosecute.

You, and you're gonna pay all kinds of money because you're being a dick.

I'm not being a date.

You're the one yelling you're gonna private property, man, I'm threatened and walked out of here, your private property. So that kid again, that kid, he's trying to talk a little shit, the little skinny kid, but not really. He's like terrified. He thinks he's gonna get hit by this grown man. Who is I mean, he is kind of.

A I'm kind of waiting for him to clock him.

You you have classically like in shape skinny your scary skinny guy. This guy is just like a skinny pussy, right.

Yeah, he's kind of a shlub, but he's got he's definitely a got a beer belly growing. Maybe he just retired. Yeah, and he's just he's working on it, you know.

But he's got in shape office worker body, not in shape construction worker body.

Right in shape construction worker body, I'll kill your ass.

Yeah, And a construction worker would put his fist through that kid's chest and pull his heart out like he's not dealing.

And I feel okay with that.

And actually in shape construction worker guy would probably go, your kids be careful out there, all right, Which is something else I want to talk about.

To catch me one, catch me what? Get out of here? We just said we want to get out of here.

He touch me earlier.

I like how the kids are saying they're gonna wait for the police because.

It's totally to do and if there is the wrong, they'll be in trouble for it.

And that's always the threat old people use. Yeah, you know, yeah, they I'm gonna call the police, like that time we did that thing in the basketball court that you still haven't talked about on the show.

We're gonna talk about it on the show. I just have to get my friend John on the.

People were like, we're gonna call the police, and I didn't have any of that. Ship all right, so.

Wait the oh the fucking this woman here said something interesting there.

You're trespassing, waiting for the place to come. Ready here, we're gonna talk to me.

Talk to him. He's the president of the homeowners association, so that guy is responsible for making sure everything is nice around here, and he's screaming at a fucking kid, right.

Yeah, yeah, the fucking they elected him.

The entitlement in boomers.

Man, Oh dude, they are the most entitled fucking people in the world.

You hit that. I'm gonna play some more of this. You won't listen.

You were a minor assault. You touch me. You know you're saying, let's go, that's a threat. And you smell like alcohol on your breath. I can smell it.

You're right, I had a drink. Is that against so wild? Dumb?

Shiph tell me you got all this on video?

Is he gonna cry? The old man?

Fifteen year old boys.

They looked like about eleven.

Yeah, they definitely. I can't judge kids, you know, not my personal preference, but uh, I never know how old they are.

But he looked tiny.

When you said like eleven, I was like, yeah, yeah, he looks smaller than Deonte he did.

Yeah, he looks about the same size or smaller. Yeah.

Right.

We're just gonna wait for the police, thank.

You, and I'm we're gonna show those poles get Stown into the lake almost snap at the hand.

No you're not because the police are gonna press charge on and you're gonna be arrested and ying for them.

Okay, what he's gonna go into the lake, get the poll back and snap it in the hand.

I don't. I didn't understand that either. Let let's hear that one more time.

Right, We're just gonna wait for the police.

Thank you, and I'm we're gonna show those poles get Stown into the lake almost snap in the hand.

No you're not because the police are gonna press charge and you're gonna arrested and yelling for them.

Okay, I do.

I do like that kid was egging him though, He's like, yeah, okay, the guy who was ready to walk away and goes, Yeah, we're gonna wait for the police though, just just to remind.

You, just yeah, we'll be here.

We'll still be here where you don't want us to be. We'll just wait for the police though.

Okay, we'll see you on your porch while we're here.

Thank you.

And I'm we're gonna show those poles get stown into the lake almost snap at the hand.

No you're not, because the police are gonna press charge and you're gonna be arrested and ying for them.

Okay, I promise you.

We're showing the please this video, and you're gonna get arrested it.

Yeah, I don't I don't know. If one of those poles gets thrown into the lake, I'm gonna snap it in half.

Why maybe he means thrown like you throw your line. Don't know how to talk now, a dumb hill building. They're so dumb. Yeah. One thing I hate. I've heard this from so many goddamn Southerners. Man, And if you're a Southerner, fuck you for this, for this thing in particular, Fuck the whole South for this this thing. This is my When people say they have pet peeves about like door locks and light switches and where the ketchup bottle goes.

Southerners.

Yeah, it was Southerners. It's the way Southerners. Okay. So if you were going to blank a button or blank open a door, what would what would what word would you put in that? In that sense?

Is it interchangeable between the two?

Yeah, it's it's no, it's it's the same word. If what word would fill that blank? See, you're gonna.

Dude, I don't want to come off dumb, and I'm not fucking with you. I cannot figure out I want to press a button, I want to pull a door. Push it, okay, pressure, push, push, push, Okay, this is a game. You got another one?

Maybe? Yeah? Okay? Because okay, you could also blank a child off a swing right.

Push?

Push? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yea, let's push for everything. Southerners seem to have never heard the word push. They don't know what that word means. Anytime I've ever heard a Southerner say they want to push a button or push open a door or push a stroller, they use the word mash. Shut up, like you were going to mash some potatoes. Really, I why do you think? It irks me so goddamn much. It doesn't make any fucking sense.

Shout out to our Southerner fans. I like you guys still, But here's no I mean I talked about.

I talked about my friend Pittman at the beginning of the show. Right, he's Southern. He was dumb. He drank himself to death. Right like he mashed, He mashed the liquor down his down his gullet.

Let's finish this.

I promise you, we're showing the police this video and you're gonna get arrested. It good. I can't wait to see you walk away.

In hand, do it, don't do it. Don't touch my brod. Don't touch my rod.

Yo, you can't fucking do that.

Yeah, I'm a believe I got down video. I got down video. Bro, you're going viral politely, Yeah, but you can't break my property.

Yeah, I.

Don't know. It sounded like he was, but if he's not, he's braid.

And then he came into the light and he's really ginger.

I think, Oh, I know, I can't tell if his shorts are his skin or I don't know which part is which.

He's very Uh, he's whiny, and I don't like that.

You can't do that.

I mean, and that old man kind of got his goat at the end there where the kids eggs them on, and then you get your fucking rod snapped.

Yeah, I'd like to know the outcome. I'd like to know if this old man did get fucked in the yard after this incident.

All this happens, and then look what happens, You get your rod mashed? Fucking All right, let me ask some things real quick. As a homeowner, how would you address it if you did want someone off of your property? Uh?

Yeah, I guess if I they wouldn't leave with a reasonable request. Yeah, you just call the police, You let them handle it. Yeah, hell, yeah, what the fuck? What the hell am I gonna? Yeah? I don't. I'm already, Like I said, I get ashamed of my emotional outbursts around my family. So I I'll have these emotional states where I overreact or I I just show parts of myself I don't want to let people see, and then

Okay, all right, fair enough? As a father, how do you deal with this? Deonta's down there fishing blah blah blah, same thing happens breaks his property too. Let's say that, and then let's say how you address it if he doesn't break his property.

Oh, I guess I'd have to go and fuck the old man up for breaking the property, like even if he was misbehaving. That's my money and I have to beat this old man up, and then if he didn't break the rod, I guess I'd probably be dismissive and be like, stop fucking with the old people. God, I'm so fucking stressed with my job.

I really got to get a holt.

Now.

We only have thirty two dollars left. That's just enough to get my weed and short the guy at the register.

He's not I don't short him, I just stiff him. I don't give him a tip. Is tipping a common practice at weed chops there? No, But when they walk out and bring you something to your car, I feel like I should give him something. That's how they have a curbside thing. Yeah, yeah, that's fair, even if it's a dollar.

Really, though, I think even if he doesn't break it, I think you have to. I think you take it a step before what you did in the one scenario of beating the shit out of this man, and I think you take it a step ahead of what you said about whatever. Personally me, I would go down there and really try and throw some weight behind it. Hey, were you just screaming at my kid. You don't have

Of cock hand is steady.

It's steady, very steady. And the guy sees you're having an adrenaline rush right now, but only in the gun hand as your cockhand is steady.

Yeah, I don't know that episode now.

I was just thinking that we got a couple other good names.

That I like. Cockhand is steady. All right, we're gonna wrap this one up.

Go to your Worst friend dot com, follow us everywhere on Twitter and Instagram at worst friend Cast. Most importantly, go to patreon dot com, Patreon dot com, sash Worst friend Cast seven day free trial and then it's only a dollar a month. You get a bonus episode every week and you get access to everything ever recorded, entirely commercial free.

Uh what's your favorite bonus episode?

Uh? The one where we talked about sounding. I don't know the number on it, but yeah, wee one of the bonus episodes. We watch sounding videos which If you don't know what that is, go to whatever porn browser you prefer and look.

Up sounding preferred Patreon.

Yeah, oh yeah, well we could describe it too, but it's when you take a rod and insert it into your mail Juretha h Urethra.

Can girls sound.

Yeah they can? We watch one of those videos too.

Is real gross?

Okay, all right, we're gonna wrap this one up. Who would you rather fuck the old man in the Tennessee shirt or that woman in the background who felt the need to insert herself in the business.

Obviously the man to show dominance over the homeowners association like we always be the president, but I'm the one pulling the strings.

Like we always say, folks, it's not about the sex.

It's about the power. For your worst friend, I'm Matt, I'm powerful.

Thanks thanks for listening. We'll see you next week, you know, following us all like burn over.

We're really gonna miss your guta. The show's over.