Let me finish. This is the first time I committed a hate crime. Maybe they'll jerk my dick off or you know, like something like that. Yeah, probably we've disgusted. I'm associate bath. You are thrashed my ship, any trash ship.
You're a worst friend.
Do you want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking problems you hang around with. You're listening to Your Worst Friend with Shane and Matt. I'm Matt and joined today by my friend and co host, a guy that when he gets take out, it's often wrong but not filled with metal.
Jane Hice shot man.
Uh follow us everyone on Twitter and Instagram at Worst Friendcast. Go to your Worst Friend dot com see links to everything we're doing. Most importantly, check out our Patreon, Patreon dot com slash Worst Friend Cast. It's really starting to pump over there. Rory commented something today. Maybe we'll talk about that on Patreon.
It's so pumpy, but uh yeah, definitely Swartzniggers biceps exactly like that.
Oh, I got a video with a word similar to that.
Let me play it real quick.
Gold Diggers.
Can you hear it?
Yeah?
I can hear it. Gold diggers rhymes with biceps.
Yeah, gold diggers. But that's the exception. I'm the rule. Everybody I know who's married right now, they're married to brocas niggers. He've never seen a whiter woman use that word in a non like screaming and traffic type of thing.
Well maybe she has a point, though, I mean, who knows what her friend group is, Like, maybe that's all she hears from her friends. I'm married to this broke ass wiga, you know.
But sure the other one guy, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand you don't want to miscolor him. Why do people push shit like that online?
You know?
I think, like, if you told me this person has a history of like starting online arguments, yeah yeah, I get it, Like that's you know, but it doesn't seem like she's doing that.
Well, maybe this is just her dive into starting our online arguments.
You know.
Maybe she's gonna be the next Perez Hilton.
Sure it'll be like a hey, uh well, I forget which president wasn't wor World War two started? Truman ended it was it FDR?
Yeah it would have been FDR.
Hey, FDR. Let's shove this bomb right now where I don't know pick somewhere cool. That's not a good way to just start things. I agree with you. Maybe she is just starting it.
But dude, I mean people have started things, you know, for notoriety in a way more flashy sense. Like remember when was that like two years ago when that guy he went in that school in Texas and he killed all those little kids with an assault rifle.
Yeah, yeah, I do.
That's a little worse than this. Don't you think that's true?
He was starting off his content creation career a little differently.
That's that's a good point. I saw.
Remember that trans shooter one.
Oh yeah, dude, what a fucking conspiracy that was that they swept under the rug?
Huh, well they did just this really annoyed some people. They found out she bought the gun with a pell grant.
What was that like for school?
This is taxpayer money they bought that weapon.
Yeah, that's for school, right.
I believe so, But like school supplies and shit, did you go to fucking in high school? We had it was at AMC. It was at the movie. It wasn't like called grant night, but that's what it was. It was like senior awards or something, but not not the what are they called not the not like the yearbook ones, not not like best blah blah blah best not none of the best cock.
It was the best tits.
We did have, best body, and we give it to that girl Kristen Lasting begins with d sounds real guinea a.
Yeah, I think I remember her. They they didn't give it to the best one. They should have given it to uh that girl in the wheelchair. Remember she had a great body, dude, she.
Had the least used body, that's for sure.
Yeah, untouched.
Yeah, but she won that other award. Remember newest shoes.
Yeah, the freshest kicks.
Yeah, best treads in your sneakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she got that. What was I talking about?
What was I talking about? Someone in our high school?
Oh no, yeah, no, no, no, I got it.
I got it.
So it was like award night or some bullshit like that, right, And it was at AMC and Blanderuin I went because we didn't actually know what it was. I think you might have been with us, but maybe you weren't.
I don't know. Do you remember that, dude? I don't fucking remember, dude. I remember a couple things from high school and fucking hell, grant night is not one of them.
It's a fair point. And maybe that was a dumb question. Do you remember the night when we all got our scholarships. So that's what it was. It was like grant and scholarship and whatever. Night fucking Blandre and I didn't apply for any of those fucking things. So we went there. I think my parents came too. I think everybody's parents came. It was like a be proud of you moment. But I just think we didn't know what it was because we didn't apply for shit. We didn't apply for anything.
So we just sat there and they almost like go down the road and go like this person best or got the award for like creative musically, blah blah blah blah. It's a twelve hundred dollars grant.
You're thinking, like, what's my award gonna be? Like they're giving out all these fucking awards and you're like, I thought for sure I would get best Video Editor. What could I get?
It went on for hours. I swear to you it took me at least forty five minutes to realize like, oh, these people all applied for these things. Like I'm sitting here watching an award ceremony for an award I'm not even nominated for, not even not nominated. I didn't act at all, and I'm still sitting there in the ANSWER's going like when when am I gonna get cinematography? That's weird. I went to someone who made a movie. Well, maybe I'll get editing.
So what did you do at forty five minutes? Did you whisper there?
Oh?
You didn't whisper in your mom's ear, Like, oh, so when you talk too low, I can't hear you. You have a gun off on. You didn't whisper in your mom's ear. Sorry, this is the wrong thing.
That was fine, But also when you talk too high it cuts you off to you really got to work within a range. No, I did not whisper that to my mom. In fact, my mom sat there, I believe, and wondered when I was gonna get mine, And then I think it clicked for her, probably forty four minutes and when she was like, oh, my kid's just a fucking loser. He didn't apply for any of this. I went to her in March. I was like, I think I want to start applying for college. It's because everyone
was already accepted. Already, you're going to community college, bud, Like, that's that's all that's left.
So I did. Yeah, that's why I joined the Marines because I was like, my dad gave me this talking to in like junior year and he's like, if you're not applying for colleges now, then you're going to be stuck going to some shitty community college.
And although you're with all your dumb fat friends here.
With all your no nothing friends, you're lazy, do nothing, fucking dirt fat friends.
The problem was I was standing next to you while he was saying this.
He was pointing at me. Yeah, well he needed an example, but yeah, he gave me that talking to. So I joined the Marines, like right at the beginning of senior year. So yeah, I didn't have to worry about applying to colleges until shit, I was an adult with a job and a kid.
Why did you never finish school? You seem studious? Oh, because I don't mean that as an like an insult. I hope it doesn't feel like that, because I meant it as kind of like a compliment, like I think you should have now. It doesn't make sense.
For one all these kids are a bunch of pussies. I told the story on the show before. It was like an issue with the VA where so oh real quick, you want to know what I spent my pel grant on.
You gotta fucking pell grant? Go ahead?
Wait, did you actually get a Yeah? I got, I got I could take advantage of all those fucking you.
I remember Nick bought a guitar with his grants. All these fucking people talking about how expensive college is. Here's some money, use it for that.
Now I'll just get weed instead. Dude. The pilgrim was like six grand, and the books per semester was like one hundred and twelve dollars.
Okay, so what.
Am I going to do with the rest of the five thousand, eight hundred something dollars?
Did you even buy the books?
Yeah? Of course, I got to pass the class.
Did you pass the class?
Of course? Pasted all my classes that. Yeah. The other reason I didn't stay in I told the story for was I had a so like at the beginning of each semester they give you or I guess, like the middle of each semester, when you're gonna be ready for next semester, they give you like, Okay, here's your credits that you have, and here's all the classes that are going to be open, here's the ones that count for your credits, and here's the credits you still need to fulfill.
They give you like a little spreadsheet, you know. And uh. I was already halfway through a semester and they were like hey, you know they called me and they were like, the one class you're taking poetry or whatever, some fucking credit I needed to fulfill that actually doesn't count anymore towards this degree. It shouldn't have been offered.
And I'm like, well, fucking crazy, and they've done that to me and Jen too. Sorry, I apologize, but yeah, that's that grandfather it in motherfucker.
Yeah yeah, just allow it. It was before, right, But anyway, so they were like no, and so I was like, ah, So what ended up happening was in order to get enrolled for the next semester, I needed to withdraw from that class and pay the money I already owed, like the portion of it, because like the VA, like, I don't know how it works. I think they pay an advance or whatever. But then the school says something I
don't understand. The whole how it all works. But all I know is at the end of the day, the school was telling me like, all right, you can finish the class, you can do whatever, it doesn't matter, but you're you're not going to get credit for it. And then the oh that's it. The VA was like, since you're already in the class, you got to finish the class. You know, we're not like we paid them, so there is no option for you to withdraw. If you withdraw,
you're liable, you know. And I was like, well, what the fuck? They really left me hanging. And so in order to enroll for the next semester, I had to like get this financial shit sorted out. And it was only a couple hundred bucks I needed to pay, but I was already pat like past the point where it was like, oh, you got to enroll for the next semester. And because I wasn't enrolled for the next semester, they fucking cut my housing allowance. They give you like whatever
it is based on your the area live. They give you like a thousand bucks or something you know at the time for your rent or your mortgage or whatever, and per month.
And you get more if you're a full time student probably than if you were whatever.
Well, yeah, that was the full time amount.
Yeah.
But so as soon as they as soon as I wasn't enrolled anymore, they cut my money and that was like a huge portion of my income. So I just had to start working more. And then I think I got fired and then I was like jobless for a year, and I was just like, you know, depressed and stuff. And I by the time I it became like something I could do, like, oh I could go back to college, It's like, what the fuck for? You know, that's a stupid idea.
Yeah, I guess depending on what you would go for, it would have been sure.
I'll go to the course on professional fucking dickwad.
I think at this age, if you're a man, I don't know what a professional fucking dickwad is, but I get it.
It's what we're doing right now. Okay, fair enough, this is the course we're teaching.
Welcome to college kids. I have thought of that recently, going back to my community college and trying to find my radio professor, because that was the only that was my only class where the teacher didn't like fall over Nick so much like he did. But I had more of the talent, and I want to come back, and I want to be like, can I come in one day and talk to one of your night classes about podcasting? And then I want to show him what we do. By the way, he was quite Jewish, Uh, some of
the stuff. N He was cool though, but pretty Jewish.
So some of our.
Content right around the wartime may not have been the best. That's fine, He'll get over it. I want to go back, and I want to tell these kids the jew one yeah, oh oh, and not just the weather thing the or the the war thing, but the weather stuff throughout the years. This put the way. If he's a Patreon member, he might unsubscribe quickly. We got that dollar though, I got your fucking something's off on that. We have X amount of people and we we only collect dollars from half
that amount of people. And I don't understand it. I don't care. It's never been about the money. I like, when someone does whatever.
You should probably investigate that because I feel like someone hacked us.
So you look, can you see my numbers?
This? That's weird, this and that.
Like I understand the discrepancy between those, but this and that doesn't make sense to me.
Well, maybe it's because the three of those people who aren't paying us the dollar. Maybe those people are Jewish.
So I kind of want to go back to my college and give a clip, But I then what would I even do. Ability here's what you gotta do for podcasting, talk to nobody for years. Yeah, as I'm beating my dick, as I'm what was the video we watched beforehand, as I'm pulling back my foreskin to unveil my unveil my mushroom.
Yeah, that's the thing. You got it. You know what you should do is answer a lot of questions. That's that's what you really gotta do.
First off. The best part is I wasn't asked to do this. I am going to ask to do it, so answering a lot of questions. I agree, But that's almost like the easy way out. Like if I didn't want to do this, I would just be which which is kind of kind of how I do things. Jump in with both feet and go. It's the easiest way to get out of this as fast as I can.
Well, okay, let me let me all right. Here's how I taught a three hour class once in college.
Did you really was that when I was that part of the class.
Uh no, it was asked of me. Wait, wait a minute, was it? I think it might have been actually part of the class where every student had to give up give a like an hour presentation. This was a night class or it was like a double length or class we had. It was like four hours or something. It was long as fuck and so like.
But it's only one day a week instead of two.
Right right, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, everybody had to give like a one hour lecture. I think like you're signed it at the beginning, and maybe you get to choose what you want or get it approved or whatever, and then at the end everybody does this and I was the only one who did an entire like night where that was my lecture and I did Buddhism, and I did like the way I did it was I did like a history lesson because I didn't want to talk
about it. And that's what I realized where I was lacking. Actually, I didn't want to focus on a lot of mystical stuff, you know, because to me, that wasn't really the important part about Buddhism. So I talked about a lot of the history. I started with the history, and then I dove into the philosophy and how it's like I compared it to how it's different than Christianity, where the in Christianity, the idea is to get through this life so that
you can achieve the next life, a better one. Where's the opposite it is true in Buddhism, where it's like you want to you want to cling to this life because you're dreading what comes next, if anything. And so I talked about that, and then it was like, yeah, a very long question and answer period where I was like answering a lot of questions and a lot of people were asking about like gods and mystical shit. So I realized, I, okay, I guess I didn't dig into
that enough for these fucking idiots. You know, they want to hear about all the fucking cartoon characters.
By the way, By the way, you I checked way out when you said you got rid of the mystical shit. I want to know about dragons. I want to know about Buddha perched upon a tree or some horseshit when he's like seven hundred pounds. You go, don't worry, guys, I'm only gonna talk about the serious history stuff. I would have went, oh, yeah, I'm gonna be listening from my folded arms.
Okay's the thing is that you'd think that. But right, it was like a really engaging night. I remember it went really well. I was really happy about that. But at the same time, that teacher he was a fucking he was like an acid burnout hippie guy, you know. So it's like it was an easy a either way.
I had one teacher I think his name was Andrew. He was in college. He was a fucking English teacher.
Wait, what's the fucking English one on one June? It's June. Okay. He was totally f slurred out.
I do want to make a conscious effort to continue that throughout the month possible.
Okay, oh yeah, for this month especially.
But this guy, and he was that teacher who would be like, you don't have to call me professor or whatever, you can call me Andrew. But he also had that thing where it's that translucent white skin with blotchy red or like around his lips. He looked like he was doing like inverted blackface. It was very strange and like spots around then. He had big glasses and he had beady little eyes like he couldn't even see the color
on him. They looked like little rat's eyes. Okay, but he picked on me throughout the entire summer.
Okay, a fucking loser like that.
Here was the other thing. Now, I'm kind of a pussy with bugs and stuff.
I don't like him.
I don't know if you remember in Jersey, not like I don't get like i'll kill a but I'll tell you. I'll show you what I mean in terms of overwhelming bugs. Remember in Jersey, those fucking caterpillars you would get yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty, They're fine. Okay, but the community college I went to had so many trees that attracted those things. And this f slurred Andrew was just like, oh my god, it's such a beautiful day outside. We need to go outside
and do our class. And he would sit us underneath a tree and like, no joke, I'd have like twenty five of these things crawling on me to the point where I'd have to shake them off and be like, hey, I'm gonna stand up, like I can't even concentrate. I got these things fucking crawling, And he's like, you need to sit down in this class, and I was like, all right, So I start clearing some caterpillars and he's like, just leave them alone.
I was like, Oh, this is college, this is college college. I would have beat that f slur up. So I hate c h seed him.
This was a spring class going into summertime, right, so the spring class should end. Okay, I'm doing an enough to pass, that's all I need. I'm fucking doing enough to pass. And we have to write some paper at the end, and I deliver a solid C plus performance.
On that paper.
He gets back to me a week later, Matt, Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to give you an incomplete unless you rewrite this.
I'll give you one week. Did he need your name?
No? No, no, no, you didn't capture the breadth of the whatever.
Blah blah blah.
Hey guess what.
I don't give a shit.
I understand no one wants to fuck you because you look like a little beady rat eyed thing. And he was fat too. Gay guys who are fat bother me.
You should have fucked him. Yeah, I was thinking about it.
So uh. I had to do this three more times after I resubmitted the first time, and he's like, still not good enough. It went almost into the fall, and I did not know if I had passed that class or not to register for the next class, because he just kept jerking me around like that.
It sounds like hen did that to come?
You may have needed that to come. Yeah, it's possible. You want to know what I need to come?
Force play? You see miss Green? I can it looks like an overgrown lawn in Ohio.
Well, I think it's a little bit more like Detroit or Chicago if I'm being honest.
Yeah, I know I was a shithole too. Oh, I believe it. Yeah, for sure.
There's a lot of shitholes in this country. For a pretty solid country, there's a lot of shithole counties, is what I would say.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna get worse. Did you see that video I sent you about the good news about climate change? No, what was it? Oh it's great, dude. There's a couple places, dude, real nice places that already where it's like it's nice, but it's a little too cold, and now they're gonna get moderately warmer. I mean, I personally, I love Canada and I think it would be great to move there. I'm not so sure about Russia being the only other
nice place to live. But hey, dude, if we got a two party system again, Russia Canada do get out. Hey we won, I think our little brother can win.
Right Maybe maybe I don't know. I haven't seen this paper or this study on the climate change thing. Here's my question.
It's not one study. This is just like multiple It's just like the predictions about how the world is. So you take them all and you you aggregate them, and this would be like the most consensus view about like how the environment is going to change. So it's just it's just basic like physics, right, like highest elevations, most northern latitudes, they're going to be the best places, and it would be southern latitudes. But the only place there is Antarctica, which is empty. Let's go there.
I don't know nothing about that. I know the College of Pediatricians said you shouldn't cut off baby dicks recently.
Oh dude, finally, man, I was getting so sick of having to do that every goddamn day.
Overgrown weeds on this house. There's two women in the backgrounds now here's the situation.
They look like scarecrows.
Here's the situation. By the way, we started this with what do I need to come? And it's videos like this. Two women in the background, they are throwing eggs at their ex man's house.
Someone's x man's house. They were both dating him at the same time.
I don't know. It may just be a friend type situation or like a like a capadre, you know what I mean.
Maybe one is the girl and one's the other girl.
This is one of those instant karma videos that I really enjoyed, Like I really.
Thought it was fun. So let me just hit play.
Damn.
Here's the thrown eggs.
Now they're getting back in the car. Now they're driving away, quick, driving away, George not to stop sign?
Oh no they're not. Did they explode their way? They're going to take them? What the hell? Can you play that again? Miss? Wait? Wait, wait, wait, I gotta hear what they say at the end though, hold on.
No, it's like.
What they're about to bang. Theyre about to bang. We gotta go down there.
Yeah, because the guy leaves his house when he heard the crash, so he got egged.
Oh that's awesome, all right, let me see the crash again. That happened so quick.
Damn damn.
Running back to the car, I heard the game. They're going to take them. I mean, what do you expect. You're fucking bad driving?
They on the way.
They on the way, They on the way.
After my harrowing tale last week of a feeling like I was gonna be killed, I have taken a new approach to driving. I'm cool now. Some bitch was doing about fifteen this morning when I had to get Jen to work, and I was just cool. Oh really back, Yeah, just sitting back.
It's a good pennies at her.
I do that every time, by the way, I grab either a handful of change I have in the car, or sometimes I get so mad I just cocked my hand with my jewel in it. And there was one yesterday where this person was acting like a real cunt, and if Jen wasn't right next to me because her window is down, I was gonna fucking.
Whip it out.
I howked a big spit the other day, hoping I could get just close enough as they slowed to turn to hit them, and I couldn't. They turned too fast.
Dude. Sometimes I hang my cock out the car and just real quick okay under the wind, you know, it splats all over the windshield. They think it's bird shit. Oh but it's not. What is it? It's my sperm.
He So yesterday I've been off my diet for a few days. I hit a nice line where I should have just continued and kept going. And now I'm falling back into it. So I need to I need to get that back together. But yesterday we were out and I was like, I want some kind of food, and I wanted Jersey Mics. Like, hey, let's go get a fucking Jersey Mikes.
They sell sandwiches.
Yeah, they do sell sandwiches. Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
That's a good sandwich that they have.
I get a number six roast beef and provolone. I get uh, mayo, lettuce, tomato, banana, peppers, and vinegar, no oil, no.
Salt, pepper. Do you get oil? Oh? Yeah, I get oil. Yeah? Okay, that's good.
Okay. So Gen's like all right, I uh, we could go there if you want, but maybe we could try this other place.
Dude, What the fuck? Dude? Why is she trying to ruin the night? I did? Thank you? Well?
Because she doesn't eat lunch meats, so Jersey Mikes would be a bit of.
A problem for she think she get a bread and cheese. So instead I make my wife get it in and out when that's.
What Jen gets at five, That's what Jen was getting at five, guys, until I let her know. I'm not paying seven dollars for fucking like two slices of American cheese and all the veggies you want on it. Get the fuck.
Out of here. Oh but what about is one of the veggies horse Radish?
Gen doesn't like horse Radish? Actually is one of.
The other veggies Celery? Oh you want ease and Celery? Please?
So we go to this place, Barbacu's Burritos.
What the fuck kind of what is this?
Tex mex I honestly, I don't know what it is.
It is, like I said, it looks bomb.
Okay, So yesterday I went in with Gin and we got fucking let's see, I'll show you exactly what we got.
We'll look at this. It's a burrito. I like burritos, do you. Yeah? Sometimes I like when you deep fry the burrito and it becomes a chimmy changa. Mm yeah, I like that too. They don't have it on here anyway.
It was their special which it was like some kind of fucking chicken. It's this right here, you know, I don't know where it is, some kind of chicken. I don't know. It's some kind of fucking Hawaiian thing where it's like chicken and then rice and pineapple salsa and like General Sow's sauce on it or something. It's delicious, right, sounds bomb. So I go to I take an I took a bite. I'm like, you know, quote the way
through half the way through. And I looked down and I go, oh, that's a weird looking piece of cilantro. And I go, oh, that's a really sharp looking piece of cilantro.
It was.
It was not I look and I go, that's a really metallic piecing piece of cilantro.
Root. It was the root tone.
So actually, well my story's gone now. But actually it was a piece of metal that was wound up and ended up inside of my thing. Very sharp, very thin metal.
Man, how did the chicken? Chicken must have been pecking at the coup huh. So here.
Boy got some of the coop stuck in them there.
Couldn't get out of him. When he went in the grind. So here's the dilemma.
I say to Jen right away, I stop eating, stop eating, And she was what, I just stop eating, and I like show it to her and she understands and she stops eating. Now here's the problem. Fat white girl behind the counter, sweetheart, total sweetheart. She was great, actually, but that doesn't change. She was a fat white girl.
Okay, those are two. She was a Meatharts thank you. Oh what a Meaththart. It's the fat version of sweetheart.
I fucking I mean, I love that. That's a fucking shirt, you know. Please tell me to get that from somewhere else.
No, I just thought of that right now because she said she was fat, but she was also a sweetheart, so I thought, man, she's got a big, meaty, dying heart.
Can I can I show you a representation of let me cut all of what we're saying, not cut it out, just cut to this. I want to show you a representation of how I felt when you.
Made that joke.
Okay, like a okay, so this is a.
No. This is I felt better.
Than the woman in this video that I'm gonna show you. Okay, So this woman has a nonverbal autistic kid okay.
Okay, and he's also black for some reason when she's my aunt.
So, so this is a non verbal autistic kid.
He does not speak okay, as opposed to a verbal autistic kid, which does not speak well.
Which does not shut the fuck up whatever.
He's lying this whole day time.
When you made that joke, I was, I went, Oh my god, does he just fucking nail like a a joke that will consistently carry on and not just be about come or share it?
Oh my god, Yeah, dude, how do we work come into this?
My autistic podcast son spoke for the first time.
It was beautiful. I loved it. Where does this lady live?
I don't know where the fucking woman lives.
It looks like she's being kept in the like the human terrarium from Old Boy, okay, with.
A black autistic kid, and they just like, this is your son.
Yeah, They're just they're just observing her to see like it's an experiment, like what does she do? You know people are watching paying and shit.
Uh so, here's my dilemma at the burrito place. We're still talking about that. Here's my dilemma at the burrito place. Fat white girl behind the counter. She was a total sweetheart, So I don't want to be a bitch to her, Like I don't want to be a real fucking Karen to this lady. Another white kid, he was a cunt. He like, we ordered something else to go along with it, and he went okay, and.
Like did it.
But the girl did all the work. So if I'm gonna be a hunt to someone she's front customer facing, I got to do it to her. Dilemma Two, there's a black couple that's ordering. Okay, do I fuck up this girl behind the counter sail for the day because nobody goes in this place. No one goes in this place. But then do I possibly risk, you know, having these black folk eat some metal? And then I I'm on the news afterwards, I'm like, I got medal in before them,
and they're like, well, why didn't you say something? Is it because they're black?
Now?
All of a sudden, I'm a fucking racist on the news.
Lose right, So.
I take the metal spring and I put it into a napkin and I hold it in my hand and I'm standing halfway between my seat and all three of the people. The fat white girl and the two black people who are ordering, and I half stand there with my mouth open like this because I don't want to be weird verbal. I don't want to be weird or awkward about it. As I became non verbal, and uh, the black lady recognizes there's a problem. I assume she thought shooter or.
Oh, another white boy going to shoot up brito.
Charlottesville or something, you know, like I assume, but she tries to quell the issue. She goes, she goes, what did you have? Did you enjoy your meal today? And I, again, very autistically but verbally autistically, go, I need to talk to all three of you.
Oh no, dude.
I didn't know what to do. I was thrown for a loop. I was starving. I start eating, I look down. There's fucking sprockets in my food. Like, you know what am I supposed to do?
In this case? I would have been like, come here, come to who am I missed? One?
Menacingly going come here, come here.
They're like, this is the best god damn fucking burrito I've ever been served in my life. Only complaint is the gears.
The gears that are inside of it. So I posted that to my story yesterday and I tagged the burrito place and they hit me back.
Okay, here was the liar.
Yeah, yeah, hey, U f slur stuff for lying. So they say, oof, so sorry to see this. Can you share your contact info? And the store this was from? So I actually do I actually share my contact.
And dude, it's your number.
Yeah, I've kept it all these years. So here was the explanation I got. By the way, I got no refund. The girl was like, I can remake it for you if you want, and I just went, no, I don't. I don't think so, like, why would I want you to remake it?
Dude. That's better than what happened to me the time I drove all the way home with the wrong order and went back to get the right one, and then they charged me for the right order because for some reason they just kept assuring me it wasn't my fault. And so then I called and complained. The next day when I got like an English speaking manager, and I drove there, you know, to get her before she left so she could give me a gift card with the
value of both of the meals. And then when I went back to go and buy a meal, the gift card had zero dollars on it. Oh mean you look like a fucking dickhead.
Yeah.
Yeah, she really fucked my whole month up.
Oh man, I don't know why people don't do that more often. Just grab a gift card off the sort of give it as a gift and when they go to scan it and it's empty, you just be like, oh my god, they must have stolen it at the register or something.
Yeah, that's that's a real uh dick move. And I can kind of see why they did it, because you know, I was doing my thing, like come here, come here, but come here at the same time. It's like, dude, I drove back and forth a lot. The least you could do is give me the value of want of the meals.
So I gave them my contact information and they said, Matt, really, do apologize for this. We think we know what this is from the picture. Wait, we think we know what this is from the picture and have reached out to the store to correct and prevent this from happening again. I want to tell you what it is so you are aware, not that it makes it an okay occurrence. It's a piece of the stainless steel scrub pads they
used to clean the dishes. They are supposed to be using them per this exact reason, happens more often than it should, and the easiest prevention is to not use them and scrub a little harder with pads that.
Do not untangle like this one. Did they scrub in the chicken with those pads?
Dude, I'm still going to have someone reach out. I just want to jump on here to explain and let you know that we're taking.
This seriously, right, not serious enough?
Yeah, dude, Hey, don't sweat it. Hey, bro, don't worry. It's not gonna hurt you. It's just the nasty scrub pad that we use to fucking, you know, get all the burnt chicken or whatever else off of stuff.
Okay. Two possibilities. One, maybe they assume that the management at the store already took care of it because they trust their staff to not be fucking buck ups. Or two, maybe they're playing a surprise party for you. You think so well, I'm not going back there. I no, no, no, no no no. They're gonna do it at your house. Man. They're gonna like send a camera crew and the fucking home makeover guys, and they're gonna turn your house into a chicken factory. That's a really big piece of metal
that looks like something that came from an industrial site. Look.
Look, here's a very sharp point.
On it, one end of it. Oh my god, that looks like it was found in a Russian journalist.
This is part of the engine on a Russian sub correct. But and this also has like a securing like bracket type thing on the other things.
This, How did it end up in anything food related? That's what I like. You wash the dishes with these things? Fine, how is it in the dish? Still?
Yeah, exactly if you're scrubbing the brush, I understand. If they're scrubbing the brush on the pants that maybe that they'll load the food into. But that should be rinsed out as well, and that should come along with it if you're rinsing it right.
Yeah, I don't understand. It's almost like they tried to kill you.
It's really it was a really good burrito.
Too. Vary in what's in there. It looks Oh that's that. It looks it looks way better than Hawaiian food. It's not.
It's not generals sauce. It's like Gokney or something sauce. But I asked what the guy said. He's like, it's just like General sauce, and next to it is General, So I was like, why did he use that?
Then? Well, in Hawaii they have like their own General's chicken, but it's like a little bit different. It's not as good as the already mediocre dish known as General's chicken.
General's chickens pretty good.
I don't know, dude, I'm kind of old. Gotta be crispy, Okay, if it's crispy and also has a good portion of meat. Chinese places, man, they're getting skimpy, dude. They chop their chicken smaller. They give you worse cuts of meat, so you're getting like more fat and gristle and more breading. And it's like if there's a big juicy piece of meat and it's crispy and it's got the sauce, all right, now we're talking. But if it's like subpar chicken cuts, then just give me the What is the one where
it's like grilled chicken and peanuts? Is that kung Pal?
Yeah, something like that. Okay, I don't love the sauce on that.
Well, you just get the sweet and sour sauce on the side. You mix it together. It's like general sauce. It's all the same shits, sugar and fucking MSG. Yeah, MSG exactly. I was gonna say, soy sauce, but that's just the rice. They put it on all the rice, that's right.
Yeah, So I don't know that was my Uh.
Well, dude, that's a shame. I'm really I'm sorry for you. You should have just done what I would have done, which is just revert back to my childhood, which is y'all, you're gonna get yelled at because this looks like hair.
Just eat it, Jen told me, and then we both start getting uh, what's the term not psychosomatic? Is it psychosomatic when you start imagining symptoms?
Yeah, I think that is. I mean, well, no, psychosomatic is real symptoms, but they're happening because of your psychological state. So it's like you're vomiting, but there's nothing physically wrong with you. It's something mental, you know.
All right, So we were both thinking our stomach's hurt, but they probably didn't hurt. But how do you know if they actually hurt or not?
Well, no, that's the thing is like they did hurt. That's your your body's telling you. It's like, that's one of the coolest things I learned from watching that Robert Sapalski course, is just like how to kind of like
start to interpret certain signals from your body. And it's like, for instance, with you talking about your stomach hurting, it's like you consciously know your thinking part of you knows that there's really nothing rationally to worry about, right, But it's like that primal part of you, which is wired separately, is sending off all these alert bells because the conscious part of you informs the rest of you. So it's totally valid that your stomach hurt. Like, it totally makes sense.
So it's like, when your stomach hurts, that's the better way to think about it. When you have a stomach ache, it's not just because there's a bug in you or something, right, Like mental conditions are a completely valid physiological reason for a stomach ache. Your stomach ache was its real, man, that really happened.
Okay, then I should reword it this way. I don't know if it was the my brain saying my stomach hurt, and my stomach hurt or if it was the nineteen ninety two Ford f one fifty transmission I had eaten earlier.
In the day, or the smog from the back room you were breathing in.
You know, dude, it was gross. And I don't know if it's even number one on like worse things. I've told this story before. I was on a I was broke when I worked at best Buy, real fucking broke, which is part of my spending problems now. Once I got a little like breathing room, you just take advantage of that, you know. So that's what I got to rein back in. But when I worked the Best Way, I was fucking broke.
Man. You'd have like ninety bucks to last you two weeks. You gotta get all your meals.
So you'd go across the street to the McDonald's and you'd get like like two dollar double cheeseburgers.
Oh yeah, back.
When they were a dollar and fucking I was doing the low carb thing. So I'd get the burgers completely plain, just cheese and meat, and then I'd take the BoNT off and eat it the onion, little onions. I was doing the low carb thing. No, no, no, there's no carbs and onions.
It's just fucking acid.
No no, So I'd go across and the people were in there. There was this little Spanish troll lady who was very scary.
She looked like a little troll.
She never spoke a word, her face was very wide. She looked like almost like a like an anime character type of thing, like how the Japanese draw fat Americans. Probably yes, So she would just kind of stumble around, and the rest behind the counter was all black ladies. Now this was a McDonald's inside.
Of a Walmart. I will remind those are the worst ones. The only thing worse than a McDonald's inside of a Walmart is a subway inside of a Walmart. Uh. I Yes, There's nothing I fucking hate more than walking into a Walmart I've never been to before, on the on the home side and smelling subway bread from the other side of the store. I just want to turn around and leave.
I went into a subway, not recently. It must have been last year because I didn't have it while I was doing my diet, but it was real. It was memorable enough that I remember it like it was yesterday. These Indian family owned the subway inside of a Walmart and he was training the father, I guess, was training his father how to make a sandwich. And this guy, I'm like, can I get lettuce please? This guy put on so little you would have thought, I said, and
black truffles as well. Sprinkle some diamond upon that, like it was crazy. He went like this, like it was fucking oregano.
And I was like, that's how I like it.
Well regardless, I shut up. Why do you like it like the Indians?
Because I don't like lettuce on my sandwiches because it's too watery. If I'm gonna have a whole bunch of leaves on my sandwich, I want fucking spinach.
I don't spinach just for f slurs.
Dude, spinach is for fucking Oh yeah, I forgot. I forgot what f sler man? For some reason, I thought you were you were saying fox. I was like, that's a weird thing to call people. No, No, you're saying for gay guys. Yeah.
So I'm in the McDonald's. Let's jump back to a different story. I'm in the McDonald's and it's my lunchtime and I can only afford two double cheeseburgers and I get them and I sit down and I open the first one up and there is just sitting right on top of the cheese perfectly, you know, the blackest in color, kinkiest, most water beating hair I've ever seen, preassed into the cheese.
Like with a fingerprint.
No, no, I would have lost my fucking mind.
I would have thrown it if that.
But it like they pushed the top of the sandwich down and it smushed it into the cheese.
Ah.
So I brought it back up to the front and they go, hey, is there any way I could get another sandwich that. He goes, wow, what's wrong with joe sandwich? And I showed it, so she goes.
Ew, that's nasty and threw it away.
She goes, yeah, baby, I'll get you another sandwich, something along those lines.
You want to spit on this one. I don't like hair eater.
You have to take something gross though, because it's a McDonald's inside of a Walmart.
Right, come on, honey, hold up, I gotta spit. I got com what you want.
There is something worse than what you said. We just go layers down. So a bathroom inside of the McDonald's inside of the Walmart inside of New Jersey is pretty trashy.
Yeah. New Jersey's a shithole. I mean I like it. No, we had a nice town growing up, except for the part you lived in but and me, you know, for half the week, but then the weekends. Dude, I was living in the fucking fancy old folks community. Dude, cool good stuff. Oh dude, you those condo walls were so thin. I could hear everything. My grandma's neighbor was saying to her nephew, Oh yeah, please visit. All right, I got a video here for you.
These kids try and make a I guess a prank YouTube video or something.
Okay, okay, they look like they're really seasoned pranksters. One of them's got the dopey buzz cut look and the other one's got the cool guy look. I like it. I like it's a comedy duo. This absolutely looks like Bobby Hill. All right, it looks like Bobby Hill in his going through awkward puberty.
Yeah exactly.
He's like, do I like hunting? That's more? Hang, Do I like hunting or cunt?
I don't know.
I might be all about the dick.
So these two pranksters decided to take this man's hat from him. Well, this is body building influencer Bradley Martin.
Okay, I bet you this guy is so roided. Okay, well, i'd like you to like you to watch this. Hold on, hold on.
I turned down a little because you got the shitty.
Gym noise where this is going.
I don't want to lose.
Yeah, the good part of it. He took his hat.
Guy, Actually, oh, I didn't know that was bad.
Like actually no, actually.
Yeah, actually no, Actually I didn't know what was wrong to steal to fuck with you. I thought it was okay to steal from big bodybuilder guys who shoot fucking drugs into their ass holes.
I thought you would like it if I put a camera in your fucking face and made you look like kind of a bitch.
You know, it's what's wrong? Broy died out. Chris Hems, what's the guy? Who's the Who's the Chris Captain America? Chris Evans? Yeah, fucking so many Chris Is in those movies. Yeah that's true. Let's hear that slap again.
Oh you want to hear it?
Yeah?
I love that though, give me my hat?
Yeah, Like, well, I don't understand what he was going to get out of this by I mean like I think I think the guy could have handled it better. Like you could have just like fucking flying need him or done a drop kick with both legs or something. But what did this guy expect? You know? He could have cut his head off? Yeah, he could have done like the a Rabs do Jesus post two cut heads off, right, the cartel does that. Hispanics do that as well. Yeah, that's just the Arabs.
Yep, yep, that's right correct. This lady's all fucked up. I don't know if it was Philly or a different part of Pennsylvania, but.
It's like she's been fucked up for a long time.
Say you take Deontay right and you're gonna walk him to school? You said, I don't want to say that, but he can walk to school, right.
Yeah, he could walk to school. He knows the way. He's not as stupid.
When was the first age you let him like walk to school by himself?
Oh? Like third grade? Maybe? Really?
Okay you were comfortable with that. It's not totally far or anything.
Yeah, it's like right around the corner.
Okay, so this is a crossing guard. Say you walk up to take Deontae to his first day to walk on his own whatever. And this fucking four foot five or something monster like this looks like a monster.
I mean she does. I thought this was a clip from Lord of the Rings.
Uh so let's see this PRIs.
We're there last night, as police led twenty six year old Kiar Lee to a waiting van her feet shackle. She faces a list of charges, including possession of drugs and corruption of miners. Investigators say she used her position as a crossing guard at an intersection near Penwood's Middle School to get close to kids and gave at least one child edible marijuana. Is were there, was.
She gonna fuck them or what? Like? Well, who cares if she got close to kids? Did she fuck these kids or not? Uh?
Well, marijuana, I seem I think we gonna agree that crossing guards should not be providing narcotics, even if it's just marijuana.
To our kids. Did she fuck these kids?
I don't know if she fucked them. I don't think she fucked them. So maybe you're okay with it then, which is totally fine for you to feel that, Oh.
Okay, if you used to get as a lure I just don't.
I don't want to speak for you, you.
Know, because if she's because then if she's trying to fuck the kids, then it's like, okay, well then this is wrong. You know, don't do that. But it's like if she's just trying to earn cool points, dude, so she can go to their parties, because I mean, she's not going to go to an adult party. Imagine seeing that free walking around. Hey you invited? Who invited their little retarded sister to our cool adult party with drugs and fun games like darts? Yeah, she ain't allowed.
No which f slur brought their fucking younger sister to this party? Fucking I don't know, man, I don't know.
I don't know. You never wanted to go to a party? What it's like, you never wanted to go to the cool party.
I've been to cool parties, all right, all right, what did you do this weekend? Fucking build something?
Ah, dude, dude, Well, what we're going to talk about on the Patreon is my fucking We're gonna spend thirty minutes where I describe my vision of tattoo my sleeve for you, and uh no, no we're not. You got six minutes. Nope, because that's what I did on Friday. I went talk to the tattoo guy and I talked to him for like an hour and a half. So I'll give you the thirty minute version of that. And then oh yeah, dude, I put floors down in my house like a man. You finish it all or no,
just the front half of the house. But dude, that's pretty manly. You task manly. That's good.
My friend Dave did all the floors in his house and he didn't have a dad or anything.
Oh that's cool. I don't have a dad that I know. That's biological and the guy who raised me is not here to teach me anything. So I had to use some import dad. But you know, hey, import dad, a Kirkland dad. You know, did it get contention at all? No? Not at all? How much were you doing a fair share?
Like I'm not trying to make a judgement, I'm saying, like, did was he the type that like you could be hands on or sometimes people will be like no, no, no, I got this, You'll help.
On the next part. Well. That's the thing is like with Filipinos, It's like that's how a lot of them probably are I mean, and I don't want to say that. Maybe just a lot of the guys in my wife's family, but her dad and grandpa are very like hands on type. So yeah, he was like, I'm the and I'm the kind of person who it's like, I don't like doing shit like that, and I don't like to move fast either. I like to take my fucking time and move slow. But I'm a quick learner and I learned by watching
people do shit. I just watch the steps, you know, and it's like I just okay, well why do they do that? And if I don't understand, I ask a question. So within like a few planks, I was laying them by myself and he's all like, oh, you're a quick learner, ha ha, Because I think he wasn't expecting I think he was expecting me to be stupid and not know how to do anything. So it was important for me to do a lot of the work because I didn't want him to think that you sucking off an idiot,
you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're sunking off a real guy.
Don't worry, Dad.
Nothing got contentious, No, not at all. I did started to get annoyed because the transitions, you know, you know when we're talking about like the transitional No, no, no, the male to female is just laying the I just meant the planks. Oh right, yeah, we did talk about that. He told me how it works. But the transition strip is like the little thing that you put between the two areas that are different floors, so in our case, between the wood and the tile. Yeah. Do you have
different heights? Yeah, different heights. And we're having trouble getting the thing in. And I by that time, it was so fucking late. We had been going in like twelve thirteen hours, and I was like, all right, I'll just do this on my own. You go home and be with your other family.
You go home and get out of my house.
Yeah, go go away. And he did. He listened, he listened, He just left, didn't say goodbye. I haven't heard from him since.
So could you do the other side yourself? Now, that's what he said.
He's like, oh, ye, I'll leave everything here, you can just do it yourself. That sounds like he's trying to get out of it. Yeah right. I was like, all right, well I could, but.
You know you should still come back.
Yeah. I was like, you should come back at least to get the stuff.
Would it be great if you did it all yourself. You just left that shit in your driveway, but even didn't tell him. Shit starts getting rusted over and whatever.
He gosted it off in his backyard.
Oh why do you not tell me to get this? And you go, hey, man, I did the floors myself. You can pick up your tools yourself, all right, you're a grown man. You never said bye, yeah, say goodbye? So you were a store here, I don't know. I moved him outside because I didn't want you ship all over my house.
You know, yeah, dude, ah man, And it felt so cool. When the neighbors would drive by and there'd be all these sawing noises and stuff. They must have been thinking, like, oh man, he's either doing He's got to be doing something manly, right, either killing his wife or putting down a floor.
I've never owned a good chop saw in my life.
Oh yeah, I just bought one, like but it's it hasn't really come in handy yet. I bought. I bought the one you told me to buy, the h the walt I'm only buying the thing. I gotta stay in the family.
Chop saw is just the one you pulled down though, you know.
Okay, yeah, my my father in law had a couple saw. He brought a table saw. I brought one of those those, a miter saw. Yeah that he brought that. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, miter Yeah. And then he brought a nail gun. He brought all this ship for me to fuck around with. Dude, and I kind of see why the previous guy put all those nails in the wall. Okay, it's fine, I get it, dude. I was just walking around, going up to the drywall, just like, well, maybe I can like
write my name and nails. You know, some guy's gonna buy your house someday.
And gonna take it down and go Who put all these fucking nails? Who wrote come in nails?
Literally the words come in nails.
In calligraphy. It's fucked.
What does it mean? I don't know? Fucking What was the other one?
Oh?
I like this video.
You said her name's Woe Vicky, right.
You said that. I said that.
Yeah. I want to know who I date, who I go with?
No, but I think you think you're black. Hey, we got a twenty five.
This guy rules sst Ram truck. Come holla, Yeah, I want to know who. He gives no details about where he is. Uh. He says, I sell cars and I love strippers in his bio.
Okay, well, maybe he likes fucking what was that thing we were just talking about? Does he like that? Does he like what that thing we were just saying? Does he does he like it? What?
Nails and walls? Nails?
Does he like nails? Yeah?
Maybe he likes nails? Yes, all right, all right, all right, thank you, thank you. Uh wait, talk you sound off. You sound like a frog.
That's just my vocal right, yeah, all right.
Winners and loser me. God, damn it. I should have ate that and got real sick. Huh.
The real the real loser is the Barrado Bandido burrito company because they lost a customer.
He was not he was likely not gonna go back there often as is, if I'm being honest.
Dude, there's this taco shop by my house. It used to be a Dicky's barbecue pit. Now it's a taco shop. Forget the name of it. But fuck man, every time I go there, I have a bad experience, and their mean to me. And the only reason, the only reason I go there is because they are like the only place within a reasonable driving distance that sells a California burrito. Are you familiar?
I'm not, but let me guess. Let me guess. Is there a base meat?
No, you select the meat.
Okay, so any meat could be selected.
What would you go with? Chicken? Or fas chicken? Sometimes they'll have shrimp, and I'll try that if it's if it doesn't look sometimes the shrimp you can just tell from their pictures, like Nope, I'm not gonna even fuck with it. But if it looks like it might be at least grilled or prepared fresh, like, I'll fuck with it. But no, no, I'll just get the chicken. Usually, Okay, so we'll say chicken. Now, this is gonna be an important one. And this is the last question I'll ask.
And it can be any form of it. Cheese or no cheese. Yeah, there's usually cheese on a California burrito.
Okay, is it a Kohita cheese, the sprinkle Mexican cheese.
Well, no, it's usually shredded or goo.
Okay, all right, see, I was gonna go within like more of a fresco menu. I was gonna say if there was no cheese on it. I would say lettuce, tomato onion, like you know what I mean, the taco bell type thing. I was gonna throw avocado on that as well, with a lime twist.
Okay, so there's usually avocado. That's like usually one of the one of the key things. But California burrito is actually defined by one other key ingredient. I was thinking of tacos, not a burrito. Oh you were thinking of a burrito of tacos on it. Yeah, yeah, of course. So what's the other one?
Go ahead, what's the other ingredient?
Potatoes or fries? That's weird. Oh dude, it's really good.
I don't doubt I'm not. There's no you can't say I'm gonna put potatoes in that, and then I'll go that's gross. Like throwing potatoes in anything is fine.
Well, I used to get it in the Marine Corps in twenty nine Palms. There used to be this place right off base that was twenty four hours that sold one pound California burritos for five dollars and one time this guy cooks eight two of them.
Whoa it was Boss? It was it was Boss.
I heard that.
Oh Man, no, I've never heard that. No, I mean I have, I have.
Oh yeah, but there's this shitty taco joint, and there always mean to me.
Was there a story?
Arend? The only reason I go there is because, yeah, the mean place. Sorry go ahead, yeah, the only the only place that has a California Burrito that's not fucking thirty minutes away. And I went there the other day. I got the California Burrito. My son got their version. It's like their house version of the California Burrito. It's like the fucking the f Slur burrito. You know, it's
got fucking hot cheetos on it. It's nasty. It's exactly like the California one, except it's got fucking hot cheetos. So I got home and they gave me two of the hot cheeta burritos. And I don't know if you've ever bitten into a burrito.
With soggy, wet cheatos spicy hot cheetos.
Yeah, when you're not expecting it, especially when you're expecting a semi solid potato chunk, it's unpleasant. It's very unpleasant. Have you do you always go back to the store if they find out that was one of those That was one of those nights where I was like, dude, my night is already going to be ruined about this. I'm not gonna make it worse by dragging it out. You know. I just dug the cheetos out with my
bare fucking hands. Yes, I ate through as much as I could until I realized, Nope, there's just urried cheeto mush here. Then I opened the burrito and eat the chicken with a fork.
It's the most defeating feeling when for someone like me, at least who like looks at food that way, to spend all day thinking about getting something and then all day I know, get it because I would do like if I was gonna eat real bad, I would just not eat and then have one big meal.
That's what I do every single day. Man, Why do you think I have such a bad headache.
About all the fucking energy drinks you have too.
Well, it's because I haven't been eating.
Oh cool nice. So then so then you get home and you look at it and you go this is wrong, and you go on principle, I want to go back. But then you start fighting with yourself in your head and you start going, yeah, but if I complain. What if they fucking spitting it or something. I might just be better off having the thing I definitely don't fucking want.
Yeah, or just not eating and going to bed with a splitting headache. Madd hurt the meal.
But yeah, all right, we're gonna wrap this one up. Go to your Worst Friend dot com, follow us everywhere on Twitter and Instagram.
Uh, who would you rather fuck this week? Is? Uh this check or bad Baby? I'm choosing this check.
Whoa Vicky versus bad Baby?
Yep, I'm jumping ship on bad Baby Gone. I'm team wol Vicky.
Now, they're both like children who just became right.
One's legal, I know for sure. I don't know about this one, but she looks like she could be in a.
Year paytran dot com slash Worst Friend Cast. We're gonna jump over there and Shane's gonna tell us his tattoo thing.
Oh yeah, dude, I'm gonna spend so much time and go into so much detail about all the weird stuff.
And what I'd like to play for you is perhaps a big video journal of why this man was fired because his boss took.
A fat shit. I don't know about that real for your worst friend. I'm Matt. I'm the co creator of this show.
Okay, all right, I just need to assert that, for legal reasons, I'm the co creator of this show.
Oh shame. Oh see again.
Next week, you know as all. So, I'm really gonna Michigan to the show's over.