Note: This episode originally aired November 16, 2016. Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold ! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen). After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. ...
Dec 29, 2022•1 hr 19 min
Your Stupid Minds has maybe the quickest turnaround on a movie and reviews a Hallmark Channel original Christmas picture that came out on Friday. It’s the classic tale of an optometrist falling in love with a colorblind hunk: The Most Colorful Time of the Year (2022)! Dr. Michelle (Katrina Bowden, a.k.a. Cerie Xerox from 30 Rock) is a widowed single mom with a loser ex-boyfriend who highly suspects that her daughter’s science teacher Mr. Stevens (Christopher Russell) is colorblind. This is becau...
Dec 16, 2022•1 hr 13 min•Season 1Ep. 203
On this episode of Your Stupid Minds, Chris’s sister Sarah returns to the podcast because she’s got a stick in her craw regarding the 2022 surprise sleeper summer hit Where the Crawdads Sing . Based on the book of the same name by Delia Owens. Kya (Daisy Edgar-Jones) is accused of the murder of the high school’s star quarterback Chase (Harris Dickinson) and tells her entire life story to defense attorney Tom Milton (David Strathairn). Her family, including her abusive father, abandoned her at th...
Dec 02, 2022•2 hr 2 min•Season 1Ep. 202
Your Stupid Minds goes big this episode with a Giganotosaurus-sized episode all about Jurassic World: Dominion ! Hey guys, remember Jurassic Park ? This movie sure does! After dinosaurs entered the real world in the last movie, they now roam the planet, eating foxes and nesting on the Empire State Building and whatnot. But also, giant prehistoric locusts are destroying crops. And there’s a clone girl from the last movie and Biosyn, the once main competitor of InGen, wants to find her. After she’...
Nov 18, 2022•1 hr 50 min•Season 1Ep. 201
Your Stupid Minds celebrates its 200th episode with a movie we probably should have reviewed already: 1986’s Chopping Mall , directed by Jim Wynorski. 80s teens. Killer robots in the mall. Barbara Crampton. What more do you want? Four young people and their four companions stay in the mall overnight to have a beer-fueled… orgy, I guess, inside of a furniture store. But there’s a small problem, a lightening storm has caused the security robots that guard the mall to go crazy and turn into killbot...
Nov 04, 2022•1 hr 30 min•Season 1Ep. 200
Next up in our mini-series of “80s Halloween Movies the Criterion Channel picked for us,” it’s Paul Schrader’s 1982 “remake,” of sorts, of the 1942 movie of the same name. It’s Cat People ! Orphan Irena (Nastassja Kinski) arrives in New Orleans to be reunited with her long-lost brother Paul (Malcolm McDowell), who is especially affectionate and nuzzly at her arrival. When he disappears for a few days, she finds herself drawn to a black leopard at the zoo. Meanwhile she’s falling in love with zoo...
Oct 21, 2022•1 hr 40 min•Season 199Ep. 1
Your Stupid Minds takes advantage of the Criterion Channel doing our curation for us by choosing a spook-em-up in its 80s horror series: another Lucio Fulci movie, it’s 1981’s The House by the Cemetery ! Dr. Norman Boyle (played by the incredibly Italian Paolo Malco) his wife Lucy (Catriona MacColl) and their cherubic, etherial son Bob (Giovanni Frezza) move temporarily into a creepy New England house so the dad can do research or something. Over time it turns out this creepy house is, like, rea...
Oct 07, 2022•1 hr 36 min•Season 1Ep. 198
Your Stupid Minds releases a bonus second episode in two weeks to make up for being a week late last week. In any case, now we’re caught up. This time around we review a movie that was basically lost until 2013 when it turned up in a batch of 1,000 pornographic 35mm prints donated to the American Genre Film Archive. It’s 1976’s (or 1975, depending on who you ask) The Astrologer ! Alexander (played by writer, director, and producer Craig Denney) is a con man at a carnival who goes to Kenya to ste...
Sep 23, 2022•1 hr 36 min•Season 1Ep. 197
It's time to Geostorm! After a one-week delay, we're back covering one of the worst movies about a global weather controlling satellite network of 2017, it's Geostorm , directed by frequent Roland Emmerich collaborator Dean Devlin. Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler) is a world famous satellite designer who is the creator of Dutch Boy, a satellite network tasked with controlling the weather to combat the ravages of climate change. His bad boy ways cause him to get kicked off the project, and his brother...
Sep 16, 2022•1 hr 33 min•Season 1Ep. 196
Your Stupid Minds covers one of the many movies leaving HBO Max at the end of the month in the platform’s effort pre-merger to make their streaming service really bad! This one isn't a huge loss though. It’s 2014’s Dracula Untold ! Vlad Drăculea (Luke Evans) is Prince of Wallachia and Transylvania and mostly a good dad and leader, despite some light impaling he’s done in the past. Sultan Mehmed II is leader of the Ottoman Empire and eyeing his territory, and also wants to take his son Ingeras (A...
Aug 26, 2022•1 hr 32 min•Season 1Ep. 195
Note: This episode originally aired May 30, 2016. Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris’s Hard Ticket to Hawaii . Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade. Donna (Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are buxom drug agents who stumble on an RC helicopter-based diamon...
Aug 12, 2022•1 hr 3 min
Blockade Entertainment went to Sony with a dream. “What if,” they said, “we took one of your lesser PS3 exclusive games and used old existing game assets to make a big budget movie?” Sony said “let’s do it!” and fished around in their couch cushions for enough money to slap this together on the cheap using a third string Korean animation studio. What we have is 2014’s Heavenly Sword , based on the 2007 game that no one remembered even at the time. Nariko (Anna Torv) is an orphan part of a nomadi...
Jul 29, 2022•1 hr 21 min•Season 1Ep. 194
After some heavy material about kids in King Arthur’s court and 3 ninjas, we decided on a lighter fare this time. What about a serial killer who kills and skins people? And also his actual name is Skinner? It’s 1993’s Skinner , directed by Ivan Nagy. Dennis Skinner (Ted Raimi) is a mind-mannered nerd renting a room out to innocent housewife Kerry (Ricki Lake). But he has a horrible secret he’s barely able to maintain: he’s a serial killer who skins his victims and wears their skin. HIs name is S...
Jul 15, 2022•1 hr 19 min•Season 1Ep. 193
This time, Your Stupid Minds reviews a forgettable 90s family movie that is available on Disney+, 1995’s A Kid in King Arthur’s Court . A kid travels back in time (or to an alternate universe where King Arthur actually existed) to 6th century England to show medieval people the wonders of Rollerblades and portable CD players. Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) falls through a crack in the earth after sucking at a baseball game and finds himself in Camelot. He spends most of his time in this extremely ...
Jul 01, 2022•1 hr 44 min•Season 1Ep. 192
Your Stupid Minds moves chronologically backwards in the 3 Ninjas franchise with 1994’s 3 Ninjas Kick Back , the second movie in the franchise. If you saw the original 3 Ninjas and thought “this doesn’t appeal to me, a dumb babby, enough,” then this is the movie for you! Grandpa Mori (Victor Wong) and one third of the kids from the original movie are back and they’re going to Japan! …Eventually. First they have to compete in the dirtiest Little League game of all time, and then a luggage switch-...
Jun 17, 2022•1 hr 46 min•Season 1Ep. 191
This episode originally aired January 15, 2018. Your Stupid Minds presents a ‘90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper , which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mou...
Jun 03, 2022•1 hr 12 min
Your Stupid Minds continues its “semi-recent movies that actually aren’t that bad and available on Disney Plus” series with the third Narnia movie that Disney dumped and neither of us got around to seeing until now. It’s 2010’s The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader ! Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley) are stuck in northern England waiting out the Blitz with their annoying cousin Eustace (Will Poulter) when they’re sucked into a painting and end up back in Narnia...
May 20, 2022•1 hr 38 min•Season 1Ep. 190
Your Stupid Minds accidentally reviews two Kaya Scodelario movies in a row by covering a film shot in 2014, and intended to release in 2015. Instead it was dumped unceremoniously into theaters in January of this year. It’s 2022’s The King’s Daughter ! Directed by Sean McNamara ( 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain ). Marie-Josephe (Scodelario) is an orphan brought to 18th century Versailles for unknown reasons. It turns out she’s, get this, the king’s daughter. Specifically, the daughter of Kin...
May 06, 2022•1 hr 25 min•Season 1Ep. 189
Your Stupid Minds features another underperforming pandemic film with this hard reboot of the Resident Evil franchise, removing Alice and the laser puzzles of the Paul W.S. Anderson films and sticking to something closer to the video game remakes. It’s 2021’s Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City ! Claire (Kaya Scodelario) is a former orphan from Raccoon City who returns to visit her brother Chris (Robbie Amell) and tell him something’s not right with the town. She is almost immediately proven ...
Apr 22, 2022•1 hr 41 min•Season 1Ep. 188
Your Stupid Minds returns to the ninja movie well in our futile attempt to find a bad one. Surely the huge flop reboot based on toys will do the trick, right? Right? It's 2021's Snake Eyes: G.I. Origins . Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) witnesses his father's murder as a child, and he vows to get big and buff and seek revenge. When evil Yakuza guy Kenta (Takehiro Hira) says he'll give him his father's killer if he works for him, Snake Eyes agrees. It begins when he's asked to execute a traitor in the...
Apr 08, 2022•1 hr 21 min•Season 1Ep. 187
Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of meh Disney movies with an unfaithful adaptation of the broom dancing sequence from Fantasia . It’s 2010’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice ! In a flashback to 740 A.D., Merlin (James A. Stephens) is betrayed by this trusted apprentice Horvath (Alfred Molina) and slain by the evil sorcerer Morgana (Alice Krige). A bunch of years later, in 2000 A.D., a kid named Dave (played by Jay Baruchel when he grows up) wanders into a curio shop and is given a magic dragon ri...
Mar 25, 2022•1 hr 32 min•Season 1Ep. 186
Your Stupid Minds covers the dingy, sociopathic, completely unnecessary sequel to Saturday Night Fever : the Sylvester Stallone-directed Staying Alive from 1983. And to sweeten the pot, we have a special guest: author and Plan 9 from Outer Space lover Katharine Coldiron ! It’s six years after 1977’s Saturday Night Fever , and Tony Manero (John Travolta) is a struggling dancer trying to make it in the big city. His on-again-off-again girlfriend Jackie (Cynthia Rhodes) supports him, despite his ge...
Mar 11, 2022•1 hr 33 min•Season 1Ep. 185
What is Vanquish (2021)? Is it an action film? Is it a money laundering scheme? Is it a sweetheart deal with some new Uzbekistani streaming service? Whatever is is, it isn’t good. Retired hero cop Damon (Morgan Freeman) was paralyzed in the line of duty and therefore Freeman does not have to stand up to leave the room throughout the entire movie. He now lives in his giant glass mansion calling corrupt cops on the phone and scheming criminal deeds. He decides to “help” his ex-hitwoman caretaker V...
Feb 25, 2022•1 hr 26 min•Season 1Ep. 184
Your Stupid Minds returns to its alternating YA theme with a book adaptation that Miramax and Disney had big hopes for, and then was dumped on Disney+ in the middle of the pandemic without so much as a $20 premium to watch it. It's 2020's Artemis Fowl , directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh. Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw) is a super smart smarmy super genius whose mom is dead and dad (Artemis Fowl I, played by Colin Farrell) keeps leaving for long stretches of time for strange and sexy adventures. But ...
Feb 11, 2022•1 hr 27 min•Season 1Ep. 183
Your Stupid Minds opens 2022 by covering Twitter’s latest punching bag: a Christian film where a group of German Christian youth start a religious movement in an oppressive dystopian society by spray painting Jesus fish on trees and mailing people DVDs. It’s 2025 - The World enslaved by a Virus (2021). Taken directly from the description: "It’s 2025, The world as we have known in 2020 does not exist anymore. The Virus changed the world, and communism is all over the place. A global world languag...
Jan 28, 2022•1 hr 35 min•Season 1Ep. 182
Just in time for Christmas, we review our third Nutcracker movie in five years, 2018’s The Nutcracker and the Four Realms ! Eventually filmmakers will run out of ways to ruin this classic public domain story. Clara’s (Mackenzie Foy) mom is dead. She and her family are sad. Her dead mom gives her a toy egg with a lock but no key. Clara goes to a Christmas party, talks to a weird scientist Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman) and finds herself in another realm (or realms? We’re not entirely sure which re...
Dec 23, 2021•1 hr 20 min•Season 1Ep. 181
1995’s Top Dog asks the big questions. Well, really one question: What would happen if we paired Chuck Norris with a dog to fight Neo-Nazi terrorists in San Diego and released it nine days after the Oklahoma City bombing? The answer is nothing good. Reno (played by Betty the dog, uncredited) is a hero dog who plays by his own rules. After his human partner is killed by white supremacist terrorists, Reno teams up with loser drunk spin-kick cop Jake Wilder (Norris) to bust the case wide open. But ...
Dec 03, 2021•1 hr 32 min•Season 1Ep. 180
In honor of Halloween Kills slicing up the box office (and the holiday of Halloween in general) we reviewed a less successful foray into the franchise with possibly its worst entry, 2002’s Halloween: Resurrection ! After decapitating Michael Myers in the last film, the embarrassingly titled but by all accounts decent Halloween H20: 20 Years Later , this movie opens with Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) in a mental institution. The exposition nurse reveals that in a stunning plot twist that allow...
Oct 29, 2021•1 hr 21 min•Season 1Ep. 179
Since we are completists, we circled back to watch Exit Wounds (2001). Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak and starring... well just switch out the cast from Cradle 2 the Grave but replace Jet Li with Steven Seagal. And add Michael Jai White, Jill Hennessy, Bill Duke, and the visage of Eva Mendes. Orin Boyd (Seagal) is a loose cannon Detroit cop who is in a lot of trouble for saving the vice president’s life. As punishment, he must go to the the dreaded Precinct 15, the most corrupt precinct in the e...
Sep 24, 2021•1 hr 44 min•Season 1Ep. 178
We’ll be honest. We were trying to watch Exit Wounds , the Andrzej Bartkowiak directed movie starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and Steven Seagal. Somehow we mixed it up with Cradle 2 the Grave , directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and JET LI. We’re considering it an upgrade. Anthony Fait (DMX) is a friendly jewel thief who steals from rich jerks and doesn’t use guns. With his crew Daria (Gabrielle Union), Tommy (Anderson), and Odion (Michael Jace)...
Aug 13, 2021•1 hr 19 min•Season 1Ep. 177
