Navigating the Holidays with Narcissistic Ex's and Co-Parenting

Hello everyone , welcome back .

A lot of us walk this road a bit blind , or we're like they must just be crazy or they must just be stressed when there's patterns to a lot of this behavior .

Today I'm going to talk about a narcissist in the holiday season as it relates to children , meaning if you are divorced from a high conflict person , a narcissist , an abusive person , some things that might come up if you are sharing custody with one of these people . The first holiday season that I ever had without my daughter was actually two years ago .

Through a modification , holiday time was awarded to dad , or rather , he always had holiday time , but the wording was changed and it just became more specific .

That meant that the specific wording meant that I wouldn't see her on Christmas , something she didn't want something , I didn't want something that I did try to find a halfway point so that we both saw her on Christmas , but it's not what ended up happening . I would say that that first year I didn't necessarily lean into radical acceptance .

I was leaning into radical processing , I think , in some way of just accepting and beginning to find sweetness in my new reality , because for the years before her , dad and I would find ways to split time .

The way it was worded was very pretty vague , but that's because my ex-husband worked at a place that had work was done on holidays , such as Christmas Eve , so the plans could not always be the same , but this was something that we changed .

For those who are listening to this and are like wow , she's being kind of vague , the purpose of that is to share some perspective , but also not to share details of the arrangement , as it's not in my child's best interest to do that at the end of the day .

So , that said , speaking from my own experience , I had to lean into what would work for me , and so that meant some changes and then this podcast . Today , after I talk through some patterns , I'll talk through some of the things that I did to change and that you can do too in your home , and ways to make this time special .

I don't know about you , but I really hate the holiday season just the hustle and bustle and activities and things and gifts and money and all of that I just sort of always want to run from . I've grown to appreciate Christmas not for , like , I still will never understand why people put live trees in their homes . It's just I don't get it .

But I do appreciate the Santa Claus aspect and the time at home . I like the smell of green trees and things like that , and so I have found ways to make the holidays feel like mine , which I wasn't able to do in my marriage . My ex very , very much liked and wanted Christmas to look the way he wanted it to look and I think that is fine .

He is entitled to his own relationship to it .

But it was really hard to grow my own in the face of a lot of holiday trauma from growing up and the expectations that come with the holiday season , and I think that now in my late 30s I have found ways to make it feel like me or , in regard to my daughter , feel like us , and I'll touch on a few of those things later on .

But I just want to note that during this time it can feel sad , it can be heavy , there can be a lot of extra things going on and the narcissist or high conflict person may also be in a spiral .

But let's dive into some of those predictable patterns that you might see , and I always recommend that you take any feedback or notes that are given in these podcasts and look at your life and think about how do these things show up ?

It's going to look different for you than it looks for me and it's going to look different for me than it looks for person number four . Like these will look different , but they may have similar threads . Take what you need , take what you want and leave the rest .

I want to start by talking about visitation and parenting time challenges , because this is probably , if you're listening to this , what you came here for . So , just to be clear , any schedule that deviates from quote unquote normal schedules is usually an opportunity for the narcissist to make issue of or make great chaos out of .

Any gray areas are like grounds for abuse and they likely will take any of the gray area and twist it to their advantage , and so some of these arrangements pick up and drop offs might be extra contingents because the narcissist isn't in control . They might want the child for Christmas , but they don't have it , and whose fault is it ?

It's yours , doesn't matter if it's a court ordered parenting plan , if they don't get what they want , it is all your fault , and that is the way that they approach these things , not . This is what is fair and that it's good for the child to have two Christmases , or like they get , two Thanksgiving's .

It's they're not happy because it's not what they want and they're not in control and they have to maintain the victim . So they're gonna use the visitation , the parenting time , the court order drop offs to make an issue and so when they're out of control , they are going to try to exert that control . What they care about is exerting the control .

They don't care about what it does to your child and for the safe parent . All you care about is the stability for your child . I know that . You know that .

So let's come back to that point when , as we go through this , of if you're the person who creates the stability for your child and I know for me that's more important than anything in the world to me that I will continue to provide that , despite anything else going on .

That point kind of goes into some of the manipulation that can happen , and so most narcissists need to be in the spotlight and if they see themselves through their child , then the child has to be in the spotlight and they manipulate situations to stay in the spotlight . So that usually looks like disrupting your plans or trying to get reactions out of you .

During this time , and if you are noticing that the emails have increased , I know for me I tend to get an email every time I'm at the airport of something that's gonna throw me off . Now it's almost like clockwork sometime . So I can manage around that or just not check but notice what the pattern is and give yourself a break from communications .

If Thanksgiving is your day with your kid , you don't have to be checking email .

There's a lot of strategies that I talk to people about one-on-one , about ways to manage these communications so that they don't continue to trigger you , but finding ways that you're not checking it every day , such as even making a whole new email address so all of the emails and the communications are in one place .

So that's what you can focus on and you can keep your . You know so when you're dialed into that , you're dialed into that . When you're not , you're not , can be so helpful , and it's a small thing in the grand scheme of all of these things .

Let's talk about some of the financial stuff that can happen , and so there's a lot of things that can happen , and we can start with one of the obvious . If the narcissist cannot get the child to get that they want to get them to be like I am the best parent , financially speaking , it will , of course , be all your fault because they pay child support .

So obviously those two things go hand in hand and beings are cast . There's a few different things that can happen . That's financially motivated , but it's also motivated from a place of control . So the narcissist in many cases will want to get them the gift capital T-H-E .

So if during the marriage they never allowed the child to play video games , and now they're going to get them video games and they're going to get them the console , because what other small child doesn't want that right ? Don't let this become a battle . Don't get the bigger thing .

If you've been saving up to buy , like the first American Girl doll , and you buy the doll and they have to buy the even bigger doll , whatever they're going to do that .

But what matters more is this long game that you're a part of , being consistent , being loving and showing up for your kid and at the end of the day , that is so much more important than this . One day , the narcissist is going to try and make Christmas this big production .

And so , if you know that , and if you know that they're going to do this and that they care more about hurting you than they care about showing up for the child , just be very mindful to not let yourself get into those games . Okay , don't let yourself get into . Who spends more , who buys more , who does more . Buy your child what you want to .

If that is something that you do , you really want to be mindful of boundaries .

During this time , you really , really , really need to make sure that your oxygen mask is on and that if there are extras that are being asked of you , if there's more and more and more that's being asked of you , take a step back and ask yourself is this really in my best interests ? Do I want to do this ? Is this actually helpful ?

Does this support me right now ? So the way that I work with people around boundaries is that if the boundary doesn't have a way to remove you from the harm , it's not a boundary . Here's an example .

Say that you have a court-ordered phone call and the parent who doesn't have a child so let's just say the narcissist in this case wants to call the child and they're saying they must call the child , or they need to call the child , or they have to talk to the child . Like they have their phone call .

You might want to play nice and be like oh , of course they can talk to them at eight and we'll talk to them again later . I truly think and feel it's best to just stick to the plan , because all of these things are just extra manipulations . If they want to show up on that day , even though it's your parenting time , everybody has different arrangements .

But if we're dealing with a high conflict or narcissist , the answer is usually no . Protect your parenting time . You have no idea what's going to come your way . It's 50-50 if they show up , kind or not . So hold your power . This is also a time that , if they are trying to abuse you through the court system , hold your power .

Make sure that when things start coming in , you don't react but you seek legal advice . I want to turn a little bit to some of the strategies . I had to learn this lesson and I had to learn it the hard way , but I'm glad that I did . The dates that are on the calendar don't matter as much as the experiences .

If you have Thanksgiving on Wednesday , because that's when you have your child and they go to their other parent's house that Thursday , then you have Thanksgiving Wednesday with them . Or they come home that Sunday and you have Thanksgiving with them . They are going to feel so lucky to have two Thanksgiving's . One Thanksgiving .

My daughter's name is Charlotte , which you know if you've been here , but I had Charlotte's Thanksgiving this is actually last year where she got to pick everything she wanted . We did it that Wednesday . She came home from school . I got her when school released at noon and it was everything she loved .

We made mac and cheese , we made rice and beans , we made pizza , we made vegan chicken , we had french fries and then we had dessert and it was all the stuff all her best hits out of mame , because that's Charlotte and she loved it . She loved it and I felt really good and positive for that experience and providing that experience With Christmas .

I've gone through a lot of changes with Christmas , but there are a few things that I really love to do with my kid . We always pick out , like the Charlie Brown tree and I really appreciate that . I like going and picking out the tree that nobody wants to take home and my daughter and I have grown to like that .

There was one year that I put up a big tree because I thought that's what she wanted and I was proud of that that year . I just want to make sure that it feels authentic when we do it . This year we've decided to get the tree that she wants , which is the Charlie Brown tree .

Another thing that kind of goes back to the date is that Santa can come early . Santa can come late . This year Santa's coming early and so she's going to wake up two days before and she believes that I wrote a letter to Santa and he's coming and Santa is making a special trip just for her . How lucky is she .

And we're going to pretend that Christmas is Saturday because the dates don't matter . What matters is that you are present with your child . The times and days that she has gone to her dad's , we've made the morning special , so it's been one so far , but we've gotten up , we've kept our pajamas on , we've snuggled .

You know , we kind of do what she wants to do that day . My daughter's in PCIT therapy , so it's parent-child interaction therapy , and so there's a special playtime quote unquote as part of that , and we really lean into that of like how can I do what she wants to do ? Because that makes me feel like I'm showing up for her the best I can .

You also can create new traditions , and if they have to change and if they have to be different , then they have to be different , and that's okay . My child used to really like to go to my mom's on Christmas because you walk well , one , my brothers are there and she loves them .

But two , like , when she walks down the stairs she sees the Christmas tree and it's like that typical Christmas morning that you read about in the books . But when we can do that , we do .

We did it last year , but there are other times when we don't , and so she's grown to believe in a few different types of Christmases and I think she likes collecting them , like , oh , this year we have this and this year we have that . Last year we had that Christmas at my mom's and then the next day we went to Disney .

So there's a lot of different ways , but I feel like the more flexible you are , the more open , the more willing , the more your child is going to be open to all these things and they will start to tell you what they want and what they need . At four she couldn't do that . At six , about to be seven , she can .

And just remember to keep yourself a priority too . The first Christmas I went for a run and I cried . I missed her so much . But she came home and we had a great day . A lot of us go days without seeing our kid and we have to lead into these strategies , so these days feel harder .

I will be honest with you I do not spend the holidays with my family If my child's not here . It just feels too weird .

It almost feels like something vague and giant is missing , and so that's a choice I've made , and you don't have to make that choice , and you very well might not make that choice , but the choice that I have made is that I don't travel unless I have her . So I'm not going to go spend it with my family .

I will spend the holiday that we create with her , with them . That's my choice . I prefer to be alone . On those days . It's hard for me . I prefer to be alone . Like I said , I have holiday trauma . Holidays don't always feel that great .

For me , having a kid to celebrate and to like live the holiday through makes it easier , it makes it better , but I need to protect myself , and so if you're not going feels best for me internally .

That is the choice that I need to make , and so I invite you to make those choices too and to think about what will make you feel best and to move from that space , not from what everyone's telling you to do , because everyone will say no , you should do this . You shouldn't be alone . It's not up to them , it's up to you .

If you need support , you can always follow me at Emotional Abuse Coach on Instagram . You can email me at Jessica at JessicaNightCoachingcom . You can find me on my website , emotionalabusecoachcom . But I am here , I understand , and I'm sorry that you're in this place .