Love After Abuse with Nia Renee

Welcome to the relationship recovery podcast. Posted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others and heal the relationship with yourself So you can learn to love in a healthy way. Hello? My name is Jessica Knight. And thank you so much for being here today. Today, I have a very special guest nia Rene. Nia is known as how to love a battered woman on Instagram, where she posts a lot after abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, and love after abuse. She also discusses life during a chronic illness. On this podcast, we talk about love after abuse. We go back to what it felt like to be in the abusive trip. Mia Renee shares that it's hard for her to go back to that place because she has been healed and healing for a while. I feel a little bit closer to that. Space, so I talk a lot about what it was like for me to learn how to love again and understand what love is. This is really a an episode, especially if you're trying to understand how to love after abuse. All of her links will be in the show notes below and I hope you really enjoy this episode. If you are on the path of understanding that urine and mostly abusive relationship or even how to love again, this is something I love working with clients about and so you can always reach out to me at jessica jessica night coaching dot com. Or go online, emotional coach dot com or on Instagram at emotional abuse coach, and I'd love to set up time to speak with you. I'm near Rene renee. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thanks for having me. I would love if you could introduce yourself to us and tell us about who you are and what you do. Yeah. My name is Neo Renee. I go by near or coach Neo Renee. I am a certified relationship coach, a certified motivational speaker. I'm a brand new author actually. And I just saw that. Can you tell us the name of your book? Yes. I just launched my very book. Called letters to you, and it can be found on Amazon. And it's probably the most vulnerable. I think the world will ever see me because it's a book that I put together that has all of my deepest like journal entries and just things that I was enduring while I was in abusive not toxic Narcissistic relationships, things struggling through some things that I was dealing with after I was raped in High school. And so it's just been letters that I've written people that you know, was tested me by my therapist to really show people what I was to truly dealing with and kind of what my healing a bit of what my healing looked like, Oh, that's sounds amazing, and I'm sure we'll touch on some of that journey today, so the book will be set to great compliment for people that really resonate with you and your story. After they listen to this. Yeah. So you already just touched on a few parts of your story. I know from following you on Instagram that you were once in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm sure. I mean, I know in my story, it's more than 1. So I don't wanna downplay. It seems like there's been multiple abuses. And I'm wondering if you could tell us a little bit about your story because I know now you're in a very healthy relationship with somebody who seems to really love and admire and appreciate you and vice Versa. And so I know it's like probably a very big story to tell, but maybe just start if you could just start with, like, your journey through Versa abusive relationships and what... Like, sort of thought you started to realize as you began to make your way to the partner you have now, Yeah. So for me, I have an extensive history of abuse and with domestic violence and just kind of how I grew up. I grew up at a very toxic and abusive household as a child with my mother and my father and my 2 siblings and that kind of shaped the way my relationships unfolded for the rest of my life Centrally Until I realized that something Was not Right? I realized things were kind of off. And so I don't talk to my mother. I've been no contact with my mother. For quite some time now. I don't talk to my half siblings. Actually, the only person I do talk to is my own father. Mh. We've been able to work through a lot of our Differences And And He and I In Such a Great Place Now. I Was raped In High School I was raped in College. And Once I Got To College I bound my First relationship where I Was physically assaulted, Sexually assaulted. Just kind physically abused in abused in so many different ways in that relationship. And after that, I've had a few more tumultuous relationships and not even just romantic relationships. It was plato on relationships just All of my relationships Just were not the healthiest relationships. Yeah. And my final relationship with my ex boyfriend He was the emotionally mentally abusive ex. And he was a bit. Sexually abusive as well. And once I got out of that relationship, we were together for 8 months. But once I got out of that relationship, I was like, I got to figure out what it is about me that's attracted to these type of people. Mh. And during my healing journey and going to therapy and, you know, talking with my therapist. I realized Well, And actually I did Em as well. Yeah. And with that, I realized that a lot of my trauma stemmed from my childhood, and my mother was the root of a lot of. Why I was attracted to people that were this way. And why I was attracted to people who just very much were a symbol of her in a innocent. It was like I was in a relationship with different versions of my mother. Yeah. And so would you say that your mom, like, as we know many narcissist are almost all nurses... Her not diagnosed. Would you say that she has very strong narcissistic traits? Oh, yeah. 100 percent. She has... This You know, With My Dad, He's Got Narcissistic Tendencies. I think Lot Of Us Do. A lot Of People Have Those Tendencies. Self aware Then you know, obviously, we're gonna make certain decisions that aren't the best, But with my mother, I do firmly believe that there is a mental health component. Yeah. Yeah. I I've have read various blogs that you have on your website, how to love a battered woman dot com. There's 1 that I went back to before our conversation today about... It was like, basically, like, it's almost like a letter to the x the abusive x, and you said, I think about you often, but not like how you think, And then in that blog, you talk about the remnants of that relationships, like kind of coming up and creeping up in the healthy relationship. And I think a lot of us feel that way. I think a lot of us feel like we have this like, cloud of abuse following us and we're like... Reworking it and re reframe it and wanting to be open to love, but obviously being like, terrified and traumatized and certainly I'm curious if you could tell us a little bit about, like, how those remnants existed in the early part of your relationship even though you got out of it, and it was still very present in your life. Yeah. I think a lot of it was the feeling of, like, is this too good to be true because genuinely, when you asked that... Yourself That question the answers Yes. But with my Husband, like, He Wasn't Love Bombing Me. He Wasn't just Doing Like, I don't know how to Explain it. Right? He wasn't doing what They typically do when you are with Someone who is masking their personality. So It Wasn't The Question Of Is This Too Good To Be True, But It Was More Of The Question Of Like. Am I Really Ready For This? Because This man is amazing and He's very Like, Am I ready for This. Yeah. Am Mike school damaged. Am I still, you know, and I'd done At that point, I had been almost 2 years deep of extensive intensive therapy. But there were just certain times where I would just be, like, being myself and I'm waiting for my husband to respond negatively. Where essence since where like, he wouldn't respond at all or he'd like, oh my god. You're so cute instead of like, oh, my God. Why are you such an idiot? Like, you know what I mean? And so it's just times like that where it's like you're so used to being ready to respond or have them respond in the way that What We're Used To And Where It Kind of Pulls Out our Ptsd a little bit. Where With Him, It's Like He Would Net... He's Literally Never Responded That Way. Yeah. You would like, look at me and be, like, are you alright right? Like, and you guys see that, like, when... Mh. I do got skit and stuff like that and like, And you're like, no. I'm not alright. Like, I'm not. Hey, Kevin I'm not. Like, yeah. Like right. Anyone they would like Are you right? I'm like, yeah. He's like, well, did you... What's going on. So we would like, talk about it, like, yeah, Like, especially, like, there was like, 1 video that I posted where I'd like, gotten out of shower and I still, like, soap on my shoulder. And he's like, he would you're literally yell at you because you still had soap on you and I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Like, it would be, like, the dumbest like, just me being just a human being. I'm just a person like, you know, like, we're not 100 percent perfect people and, yeah, he would get so mad. The smallest things And so With My husband, I'm Like Waiting for Him to Get Mad. And I've only seen my husband mad when it comes to things that are, like, affecting us. So like, with my health and doctors are being like, dismissive or Gas lighting, he I've Only seen Him Mad in That sense. Like And When Him And I have Disagreements and stuff like that. Like, it's not emotionally charged with anger. Like him and I've never gotten into an argument. And we've been together for almost 3 years. Like, we've never screamed at each other We've never yelled other each other, We've never gotten to an argument with each other Like we've never crossed those boundaries with each other, but those are boundaries that we set very we very early on in our relationship, But, yeah, I mean, there would be remnants and pieces of like, I don't know what's so hard to explain because I feel like it's like, I honestly, if I'm gonna be... If I'm gonna be honest, I feel like I'm so not removed from that now, that it's almost hard to try and put into words what I was experiencing back then. But I do know that it's just 1 of those things where it's like, you're gonna be very cautious. You're gonna be very. Skeptical when you feel like you've found someone who is being nice and Yeah thing and is very sweet because It's almost hard to spot the difference between how it started with my ex versus how it started. With my husband, but the thing that I tell my clients, All of the time is is there's still a difference. You can still tell a difference. Right? There's a difference in how your body feels. I was never physically afraid. Of my husband. Now when I was dating my ex, and we would go on dates, I remember being very like my body would be very tense up. I would not wanna be leaning close to him, and I would just kinda be like kind of sort of a way. And We shrugged that Off as like Oh Well We're Just, You know, We're Just trying to Get to know Somebody And like, We don't read necessarily Trust. And it's Like, No. Our bodies feel That Way For A reason. Our Bodies feel Uncomfortable For reason. There Our Bodies Consent When Something Is Not Right Or Something Is off. And that's how I was able to tell the difference with my husband because I was never afraid of him. I was never My body has never tense up. Around Him. I've have never wanted To Not Be Around Him. I've Never Been afraid. His Energy Has never scared Me. I've Never Been anxious Or Any of Those things around him And that's How I know That There's the that's the difference. Yeah. And I think I'm a little removed but closer than you Are and something that This was you you... This was in that blog post. I'll link that blog post to these show notes, so anybody can read it or, you know, go to your website to see your writings. But I think it's that feeling of like, you're activated by the trauma and you're just waiting for something to go wrong or that like, once to express your feelings. The other person is gonna tell you that they're wrong or they're gonna downplay them. And then it doesn't happen. And I it almost makes you expect it more of, like, okay. It's gonna happen. It has to happen yeah. And then it's like that training. Right? I think we're so used to training ourselves to tell ourselves it's fine, and then it's not. But with your husband, and I feel is with my current partner, but is it beginning was just like, it was like, I was just... I was waiting to be told that my feelings are wrong. I was waiting to be judged for something that was small. Like, of scratch on my head or, you know, or something like that, Like, that I was gonna be made out to be this, like, incompetent horrible person for basic human things, basic human needs, basic human happenings. And it does take it takes a to get to the other side, but I think what's something beautiful about the way that you explained it is that now hearing your story of where you are now, You feel self so far away from that and you're actually able to experience what love feels like? Yeah. I'm... I mean, it's... I feel like I'm just so far removed. And people ask all the time too when I do my skit in my videos. Like, obviously, I play them up a little bit because you have... There obviously with creating content and creating art in the way that I do or the way that we do. You know, we we have to have a certain level of where people. Can feel what is actually happening. And so sometimes things are a bit over drama and stuff like that But yeah, I feel like I'm so far removed from it. So when I do some skit sometimes like I have to really dig deep into like, dig back into it because with Tyler, I just feel so safe. I feel so loved. I feel so safe. And so a lot of the things that I'm doing now and a lot and the framework of my content has changed a bit because I am focusing more on the healthy version. Of things and, you know, and I want people to be able to see that at more than, you know, the bad stuff. But there are times where Him and I will talk or he'll say something and I'll have a thought of, like, oh, wait, you know, this is how my ex used to be. So things get a lot better instead of having a pull on, like, flash back a thought that, you know, pops in your brain in your mind or your or or but your body does still feel it though. Your body still feels like it's waiting for that impact in a certain way. And our bodies hold a lot of things within them. So it takes it takes a while for that trauma to really lessen because I don't think it ever goes away, but I think it I think it gets lighter. I think it gets So yeah. I feel. I mean, if I'm being completely honest. Yeah. I feel like I'm just so far removed from that because of just the person that he shows me he is every single day He's never ever changed who he is. He's never changed the fact that he is. Yeah. And so something I wanted to touch on with you today was about like, the green flags and the red flags of dating, and I think... You are touching on a lot of the green flags of what to look for and what to see in a partner. And I'd like to kind of hone in on that a bit. And you said something with your partner, there a few things that you already named, and I'm curious the anything thing you wanna to add to it. What you named was that He felt safe. Your body felt safe. You didn't have a fighter flight or any other trauma responses coming up, you felt like this person feels safe. You also said that He didn't change who he was, so the masks didn't fall off. There wasn't a mask on. It was this consistency from this person, and at the sense of validation from the way that he spoke to you? He saw you. What are some other green flags that you would name or that you work with clients on noticing dating after abuse. I think my... I so I I do have an intentional dating workbook where I discuss, like... Some of what. My red flags to pay attention to. And 1 of the red flags that I discussed that is also associated with green flags is do their words match their actions. Mh But someone can pump you full of these beautiful words, They can paint this gorgeous picture for you, but They give you the picture? Do They Follow up with That? You know what I'm saying? And So 1 Of The things that I tell Clients to pay attention to is If Their actions Aren't Matching Their Words, That's Something That You Really Need to Pay attention to. And With My husband, you know, if He Said he was going Do Something He Did. And oftentimes he Wouldn't even say He was gonna Do Something He would just Do It. And his actions have always solidified How he feels. Like if he tells me he loves me he proves it by his Actions. If He Tells me He's never gonna To Do Something His actions Prove That. The biggest Thing That I Tell Clients Right Now Too And It's a Harsh Reality And Sometimes It It Might Hurt A little bit Hearing. But if They Wanted To, They Would. You know, If Someone Wanted To To to Be A certain way with you, They would Be That way. And the Way you Trust That Is By If Their Actions Speak To That. And so he's never changed who he is. He wakes up every single day and he's the exact same person he was when he went to sleep. The night before. I've never feel like I'm on ice with him and I never feel like Have to walk on egg shells. I never questioned what version of him I'm going to get that day He Has Consistently Consistent With Who He Is. And If Someone's is Not Consistently Consistent With Who They Are As a Person, Those are Things That You Need To pay at attention to because that's how you know when the mask starts to slip. That's how you know that. And and and you know In This field of work and talking about how It takes 3 months or 6 months Or sometimes a year for Someone to change As I'm in a healthy relationship now in Hindsight 20 20 and having the tools that I have now, I don't necessarily agree with that anymore. I think If you Don't Have the Tools. I think if you Don't have The ability to Have access to what we have now and and Get to See examples. If you dispute Simply don't have these tools then yeah It's gonna To take you a lot longer to see. But I don't necessarily agree with that because there's signs. All over the place. I mean, early early signs. Yeah. I feel like some of them are like, at this point, like, you and I in this world in there like obvious to us. But if you could just name what those early early signs are, maybe just like 3 that you consistently see come up in your client base. I think that'd be really helpful or Yeah. I think 1 early sign is, and I spoke about this. I think it did a video or 2 about this. I work with clients on it a lot is their consistency. If somebody is inconsistent with you, but they're telling you that they want you. And they're they're gonna give you the world, and they're gonna do this and they're gonna do that, but then they talk to you every 3 days. The only time you guys have conversations is if... You text them first or you called them first. If You're the 1 that's putting in all the effort with someone who's telling you they're gonna Give you the world. They're full shit. And then just if that's just me being honest. You know what I mean? It's the way that people... If they show up the way that they say that they're going to green flag. Another thing to pay attention to is how do they talk about their circumstances, How do they talk about the people that they've been in relationships with before and how do they talk about the people that are currently in their lives? A lot of times us people us, survivors, we're very empathetic people, We're very understanding people we want to help other people because we see our ourselves as... Well, if I'm this broken and damaged person, and I want people to love me then why can't I love somebody who's also damaged and broken and that got me into a lot of trouble because the the the other person's not necessarily thinking that way. And so 1 of the things to pay attention to is... Oh my god. I feel like I just lost my... What was I saying? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's like... I, it's so, I think when me get, like, so wrapped up in the red flags and we started working through them. It's like, it's... There are so many that we see. But... We also push them away and we can normalize them. And I think the work is just to really allow yourself to be right with reality and when you have been abused before, to let yourself go slow and be honest with yourself. Be honest what feel clinton Not today. That's okay. That's okay. I'm sure when I listen back to this, I'll think like that you actually made it. But I guess as we like, begin to talk about, like, what intentional dating even looks like, because I know that is something that you work with people on. And I'm sure people are wondering how you connected with your partner? Yes. Let's start there. How did you to your partner. So I'm so passionate about intentional dating it's something that that's how I thought my my my husband that's how our relationship was shaped. And I'm so passionate about it. And I think the funny part about and I'll answer your question here in just a second. I think the funny part about it is is that when I made my intentional dating workbook. A lot of the claims that I see, they ask the same questions that I answer in my intentional dating workbook, which is actually reaffirm which is reassuring to me because I kinda just, like, you know, I worked so hard it and then I put it out and it was like, I don't even know if This is like the right market, but it's, you know, So I thought my husband been on Bum, and we actually were featured in bum cup last year. Our story got picked up by Bum. And so we met on Bum and Bum those that don't know. Bum is a dating site where you... It's kind of like obviously, like tinder and all those other sites where you swipe right and swipe left for somebody that you may be interested in, but it shows you if someone's like looking for a relationship, like what what they're looking for. And if you match with somebody you... The the woman has to message first. So the conversation won't start until, you know, the woman, met messages first. And the funny part is my husband was on that site because he feels like he never heard back from people and, like, he would reach out and nothing would happen He's like, why I wanted it to be on Bum because, you know, I have... If someone's genuine when the interested in me, they're gonna reach out for. So And so... Yeah. We matched on bum and just immediately like, hit it off. And so... With him, this is where I go with intent or when to pay attention to the green flags. Pay attention to how someone is. If someone says they wanna take you out and they wanna get to know you. They're gonna make that happen. My husband was like, listen, here's my here's like, I'm taking a shot in the dark. Here's my number. I think we have a connection. I'd love to take you out on a date. Can we text instead of being on this app. I was like, sure. So we're texting and immediately. He was it okay. So what's your availability the best days for me are Saturdays because I work And you know, I... Time It decompress. I was like, yes, you know, Saturday's worked for me as well, And he was like, cool. Are you available on whatever date that this date, which was August first. And I was like, yeah, I'm available on that date and he said, cool. This is what we're going. This is what we're doing. This is the time, like whatever he was set in like, wanting to take me out, He wanted it... Like, he was not wasting any time. That was a green flag because I was like, okay. Usually, guys are like, So what you do you to death or expecting you to do, you know, or they're like, what do you wanna do? Like, he was a man with a plan. And that shows that showed his integrity that showed you the type of person that he was, and I was like, immediately attracted to that. And actions and words, just like you said before. They aligned. Yes. They aligned. And so then we went on our first day and it was it was the best. Like that's we consider that our anniversary because we literally like, we just hit it off and We'd seen each other a few More Times That Same Week And Then you know, things just flowed so well between Him and I. But Where Intentional dating comes into is because If you know exactly what it is that you want, which you're looking for. You know what the Red flags are that you set for yourself that you think are red flags, but also actual red flags as well, What your deal breakers are in relationships. And if you are certain and what it is that you want in a relationship. There will never be a chance for anybody to tell you Anything otherwise. Yeah. They would never be able to have somebody persuade you otherwise. And you will feel like I would much rather be alone than be with somebody that I have to settle for because that's not exactly what it is that I'm looking for. And that's what I coach my clients on. That's what I tell my clients, That's what I talk about in my intentional dating workbook. With my intentional dating workbook and intentional dating in general, it's more... It's... You gotta focus on what it is that you want, what do you need what are you looking for? What are your deal breakers and in doing that, you really have to get to know yourself? Fall in love with yourself, forgive yourself for the things that you had to do in order to survive any of your previous relationships and any of your abusive situations, And that is what will help you with Dating. And so with my husband, I was like, listen. I of all Wanna let you know, like, I am... At the time, I identified as bisexual, but I... I'm I identifies Pans sexual know. But Mh. At the time I was like, was, I'm bisexual. My my husband's a white man. I was like, I'm I'm a black woman. I'm an authentic black woman. Like, you need to understand what you're getting into with me. And I kind of put that out there, Said experiences before where you know, I was gone on a couple dates with the guy and he just didn't respect the fact that I was bisexual and felt like I was gonna cheat on him with everybody in the world and dah. So felt important to You know, put that out there. And then, you know, within a couple of weeks of Him and I dating and getting to know each other. I told him, you no, I set my boundaries. That's the big part of intentional dating is setting your boundaries early in a relationship. So you don't waste your time, You don't waste their time. If you guys aren't looking for the same thing, alright, cool on to the next. And I taught my what my biggest boundary that I said set was, I was like, I don't do screaming and yelling. If I don't do insults, I don't do low blows. Like, if we're... If we can't have nonviolent communication with each other if we can't communicate with each other. Without screaming and yelling if we have a disagreement, then that's just not a relationship for me, and I'll let you know right now. If that's if that's what you want in a relationship More Power to and he he's was like, no That sounds amazing Like, How do we... Would... They Tell me More. Like, he was very intrigued by that because he had never heard anybody Say that to him. Yeah. And that's what what I mean Like I mean like, 3 weeks into our relationship, like, we are setting boundaries. We're starting to have those... Conversations. We're starting to have... You know, we're really just like laying the foundation and by month like 5, him and I were in therapy together. We were doing couples counseling together because we wanted to make sure that we were maintaining our healthy coping mechanisms and making sure that we are being healthy in our relationship and being able to discuss and talk about some of the harder things. And That's why I'm so passionate about intentional dating because it works. Yeah. I know this happens in my client Facebook clients will say, like... I'm not good at sticking to my red flags or, I mean, my deal breakers are, like, I... Like, I'm just afraid that I'm gonna fall through the pattern again and I have always felt that, like, yes, I hear that, but we have to gain that self worth and have that self controlled to not. If we really want love, and if we really want love, like, what you and your husband have, we need to hold ourselves accountable. I'm sure that comes back to basis self. Love and gaining that self love. How do you help your clients regain that sense of self? Or what are some things that are common themes that come up when that topic comes up? I think the biggest part is is setting boundaries and standing firm and our... The boundaries that we set. And the reason why we tend to... Have a hard time with that is because we're afraid of the repercussions that cub with staying firm in our boundaries. And 1 of the biggest repercussions of staying firm in our boundaries. Is realizing that that's not the person for us. And it's hard to accept and acknowledge when you want something to work out so bad that You're like Okay, well, maybe it's worth is sacrificing this for. And if it's sacrificing your peace, it cost too much. If you are losing peace of yourself to be in a relationship with somebody else, it's not worth it. If they don't respect your boundaries, they don't respect you. And I tell That To My Clients All of the time. If They Do Not Respect the Boundaries that You Set, They Don't Respect you. If They're Having An Issue, We're respecting a boundary that you've set, Imagine what they're going to do when they disagree with you On. Quite Literally Anything else That Could Turn Into Argument. And so I Remind Them Like, when you set boundaries and you have a hard time setting your boundaries. If you have a hard time saying in your boundaries, you're teaching them, how to treat you. Mh. And I have a hard time agreeing that it comes down to, like, self worth and self love, It does to a certain extent. But at the same time, like we said earlier in this conversation. If you don't have the tools how you supposed to know what that looks like. That's why I think it's very important that during the intentional dating process, which like I said, like Keep referencing my work But because my workbook has over 6 team writing prompts. Yeah. That Give you An opportunity To Really Dive deep into your self, take a deeper look into yourself and what it is that you need. And once you're comfortable in that and you know but it it comes with insecurity. Deal breakers come with insecurity. Boundaries comes with insecurities because it's like, well, Sometimes we feel like our as survivors, we feel like we're never going to find anything better. We're never going to find anything else. We're just... We feel like we're going to be alone forever, And that's not the truth. Mh. It will be if we keep delaying this, you know, if we keep delaying the inevitable of standing... Firm in what it is that we want. You're going to meet someone that is going to respect you. You're going to meet someone that's going to care about your needs about your wants about what it is that How you are in a relationship and you know what I'm saying? And so Mh. I just remind my clients like listen. Like, if you set a boundary with someone that genuinely cares about you and wants to care about you expect tape it's early in a relationship. If you set a boundary by saying, hey, I don't want to do screaming and yelling. Mh. Like it, I'm not here for it. And the moment they get mad, they start screaming and yelling at you. That's not the relationship for you. Because they click your boundary, they internalized it, and they just simply said I don't care. Mh. They have a hard time where... Speck that line that you have drawn in the sand. Imagine what other things are going to do in that relationship with you. And I mean, feeling disappointment is normal. Feeling sad that something didn't work out that you wanted to work out. That's normal. But don't normalize it to the point where you ignore those things and continue because it's only gonna cause you further harm. Yeah. And I think that's such a good point that if they crossed the first boundary that you set, just imagine what other boundaries they're going to cross. Not gonna get better. They're already crossing them at the beginning. I'm learning how to be in a healthy relationship now. I just had 1 end last year. And now I'm in a new 1 and it kinda came on soon. And I was just like, I'm not... I don't know how ready I feel, but I was very open about that. I actually walked away from him I was happening, like a just a top mental health day the other day, and I walked away from him. And I just was like, look, I don't think I'm just gonna get I'm getting emotional, and he hasn't seen me crying I was like I'm just... I need a second, and I walked away. And he came back over. Like, Turned in and was just like, I'm really activated when you walk away. And I would like to find a way that we can not do this, you know, in the future of an argument. And at that moment, I was like, I just need a second, but I was also like, he is telling me his boundary. It's not my job to tell him I can't do it. I can find a middle place, but it was just like that reminder of how many times people have, like, walked away from me and what that felt like. And, like, there was no remorse there's no conversation. And so I think that it's like so important in the beginning to even know what your boundaries are, but also just to really express them. And to be open to, like, the A healthy person will also say what theirs are, and you'll have this dialogue, and it'll be a beautiful dialogue. Yeah. I think it's great when you you realize that the other person is trying to set a boundary as well. Mh yeah. You guys are able to work through those boundaries. Together, You guys are able to Work through how to respond to Things together. Because Oftentimes us survivors I mean, if I'm being quite honest, sometimes we forget the other people are... We're in a relationship with the other person too, and they have boundaries that they wanna set, and they have Oftentimes it's like, well, I've been hurt so bad and it's me me me me, but it's also them than them them as well. And I think it's beautiful when you guys are both fine... Have the safe space to work through that together and be able to address those things with each other because that really shows you where the other person is that goes into, you know, the actions are louder than their words as well. Like if they're willing to drop down there, you know, their barriers that they have up, let their walls down let you in to say, hey, I've gone through this too and III want us to be able to work through this together. I think that's beautiful as well. Yeah. I love that point that you made the As. Survivor, sometimes we forget we're in relationship with someone else. I have absolutely felt that and I have worked with client through that too. And I think it's so important to name that yes, we've gone through a lot and we've survived a lot and we're probably going to be healing for a long time for it. And We are still in relationship with another human and if we want a successful and supportive relationship, we need to be conscious of what their triggers are as well. Yeah. For sure. For that out love though. And I think as coaches and influencers and on social media, I think it's important that we talk about the real stuff as well because Mh. There's so much truth to that. Like, we often sometimes forget that. The other person is here and they have their own things too because We've just endured so much pain and we have to be able to find the right balance. We have to be held a certain to a certain level, we have to be willing to Where Reciprocate What We're Expecting Them To do For Us as Well. Yeah. Yeah. And If We're Not at That point, That's Fine, you know, but don't bring anybody else into it until you you're able to get to that place. What are some things that somebody can look for to ask themselves? Am I at that place or not? What do you mean? I am I ready to date? I think that's a common question that comes up? Am I ready to date? How do I know I'm ready? Do I know that I'm ready to try? Well, that's a hard question to answer? I I felt like I was ready to start dating. And then when I did, and I got go sit I had a panic attack for 4. Yeah. And then like, okay, Not ready yet. Yeah. I It's was like, okay. I need md, I need to keep working this process. I need to figure out why this is triggering me so much? Like, why does this hurt me so bad? I literally only went on 2 dates with this person, and it was also because, you know, he had painted that picture again Like oh. Everything great. I wanna do this and we're gonna do that and then just straight up ghost in me. And so I feel like... If you get to a place where you feel like you're ready to date, keep your expectations kind of low because you're gonna have responses. You're gonna have trauma responses. And Hindsight 20 20, Right? Looking back on that situation, I knew that something was off with that situation, I knew something fell off with that situation. And so that I say you're ready when you listen to your body and you believe what your body is telling gas yourself out of a situation saying that. You're making it up. When you're listening and truly believing your body, what your body is telling you what your gut is telling you. Oh in those situations you're ready. But the only way you're gonna really know is when you do it. I from b and I took this if 1 lesson I took from 1 of my abusers was, which is my stepmother. She told me when you get out of relationship, do not date for 6 months. For 6 months no dating, you no sex. Mh. Nothing. Just really focus on yourself. And that was 1 of the takeaways I had from that that actually really worked for me. After I broke up, I think it was even after the 6 month mark, I tried dating for a little bit in and then just wasn't working. And I also okay, well, I still want a ship because, you know, girls got needs, whatever. Again And then it got to a place where I was, go, I'm tired of feeling like, I'm always the girl that the guy wants to sleep with, but the guy doesn't wanna marry. And so When that happened, I went on a 6 months like sex cleanse, I was heavy back into my therapy and I was really beating and pouring into myself the way that I needed to do. And I think that's 1 big thing that I feel like I tell some of my clients is like give yourself time. Because I know as it's human nature for us to want comfort in somebody else and want that with somebody else and want a relationship and want love. And we want that, but there's a journey that happens in between that as well that needs to be taken where we really pour Back into Ourselves And Give Ourselves The Things that We need because We Set the Standard We set the standard for ourselves. Right? If someone doesn't treat me better than I treat myself, I don't want it. Yeah. My best friend taught me that. And I used to base it off how my best friend treated me. And she's, like, I gave you the bare minimum and I'm like, okay, but I've never had the bare minimum. And so that we set the standards for ourselves. Like, if I wouldn't treat me this way, I'm not gonna let somebody else treat me this way. But that goes into us being gentle with ourselves. Are The Negative Self Talk that We Have. We have to, you know, turn it into positive Self talk. I Take myself On Dates. I give myself what I wish other people would give me. I say beautiful things about myself. I give myself words of affirmation or whatever my love language is. And I think that's important as well because we set the standard for ourselves. And if somebody not, treating me the way that I wouldn't treat me then he's gotta go or she's got go and they go Next? Yeah. I love that. There's a content creator, I guess her name is Nat, She talks a lot about sexual coercion on Instagram and tiktok. And she was on this... On my podcast too, I loved our conversation, but that's a big thing that she talks about a lot, and I love it if, like, I took myself out on days before. I'm taking myself out now. You know, and I will be taking myself out on dates after. There's a relationship that I'm forming within myself. No 1 can treat me better than I treat me, which I think is so different than what we're used to especially coming from abuse, and I grew up in an abusive of home too, and I I had to learn, how to treat myself with respect, which was so hard and took so long, but so worth it to learn I kind of like, wear my own personal and boundaries within myself lie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we have to be able to support into ourselves and it's hard, if you don't know how, especially like, if you grew up in in... A household where you would just not taught that in general? It's like, how do we do this? Like, how do I do this? How am I supposed to love myself if I don't know what love looks like. Yeah. I thank you so much for coming on here. I really appreciated our conversation. I think a lot of people are really gonna appreciate hearing your story and feeling that sense of hope that if they continue to do the work, that they can also have a beautiful relationship, they don't have to keep recreating, the same over and over again. Can you share with us your offerings, your coaching and just tell us about your book 1 last time and how do people find it, I will make sure all your links are in the show notes, but I really have a feeling people are gonna wanna connect with you after listening to this. Oh well, thank you. Well, first all, I apologize if this podcast seems a bit all over the place. I Am currently dealing with some health stuff And, you know, I wasn't remission. I'm no longer in remission when it comes to 1 of my brain conditions. So I apologize if, you know, I... Oh, no. I think I I completely love this conversation and I think it's totally fine. And I really appreciate you given me the time even though if you're not... Even especially if you're not feeling your best. Girl the show must go on, You know what Saying? Must go on. Yeah. It wouldn't just not stop. But... Yeah. So like I said, you guys can find at least what I offer for coaching and stuff like that at my website How the bad woman dot. Com But like I, I'm a certified relationship coach. I do offer an intentional dating, boot camp where you get 10 sessions with me and I send you a a free copy of my intentional dating workbook and we can work side by side in the workbook together and go over, you know, everything we set 10 goals with each other, like, what we wanna... What what achievable goals we can achieve by the end of this all 10 sessions, That's 1 of the biggest things that I'm pushing right now is that it is a commitment, you know, is something that you have to want to invest in yourself. And if you don't have the ability to do. So that's... Totally fine. But the intentional bidding workbook is out there. My book is letters to you. It is the most vulnerable version of myself, to date that you guys will see because you get to see personal journal entries in creative writing entries and letters to people that I've have written that Have really hurt me and it just kinda shows you A lot of the things that I've been endured throughout the last a couple of years or throughout almost 30 years of existence. And you guys find on Instagram, how to love a battered woman take a talk us how to love a battered woman, Facebook is how... Pretty much I'm how to love about a woman on everything. Yeah. So... And all your links will be in the show notes, so people can easily find you in your website Yes. And so... Yeah. I mean, I offer intentional data. Oh, I also offer... I actually just started offering coaching, it's called power and purpose coaching. Where I am helping others if they wanna find their voice and if they want to get to a place where I've been able to get to as far as coaching and talking about my story and things that I've survived I also offer coaching and that as well. So if you're looking to step into your power and define your purpose, I offer coaching in that as well. Awesome. Thank you so much. Again, I really appreciate your time and I'm excited to continue learning about your story. Thank you for having me, and I really appreciate it. Don't forget to grab your copy of the book too. I'd love to know what your thoughts are. Oh, yeah. Good. I've been journal my whole life actually, so and, like, definitely during these times, so I feel like that's right on par. I just saw the book... I mean, I just... I did, like, a Instagram refresh of you today, and I was like, oh, I didn't know you had the book, but I'm... I definitely will. Yeah. I've haven't been promoting it as much. Because I dropped it right around my t birthday and I had all of my friends and stuff come town. I haven't got to do more promo on it and talk about it more, But I'm actually really excited to keep pushing it and excited to see what people will say. Awesome. Awesome. I really really appreciate your time. I really enjoyed our conversation, and I hope we can do this again in the future. Yeah. Thanks for res scheduling. I know things have been crazy. It's okay. I think it's crazy. At Both. That's... I'm a single parent. I know you work multiple jobs, so I totally Yeah. Sure. Alright. Well, thank you. And I hope that you have a good rest of your day. You too. Okay. Bye.