Witch Craze

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Hello, and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner, I'm a historian, and I want to tell you about something a bit horrible, actually. Do you have a favourite witch? Mildred Hubble? Elphaba from Wicked? Everyone deserves the chance to fly. Yeah, we love witches. Much more than wizards. I bet you can't even name me more than 37 wizards. Go on. See? It's really hard.

The idea of witches has been around for ages, but I want to talk about a time when people believed they were especially dangerous. Between the years 1450 and 1750, about 90,000 people were accused of witchcraft. And one of the most famous witch trials was at Salem in America. But all over Europe as well, suspected witches could be put in shackles, put on trial, tortured and worse.

Around 45,000 people were executed for witchcraft in those 300 years. But why? It's not as if people were suddenly flying around on broomsticks. I'll defy gravity. Because flying brooms aren't real. Ow! My bum! But people really thought they were real. So why did people get especially worried about witches?

Well, this was a period of huge social and religious change. There were huge wars, a mini climate crisis and bad harvests. And during hard times, people often look for a scapegoat. An escaped! No, a scapegoat. An innocent person who's easy to blame for stuff. And if you believed in witches, instead of saying something like...

The socio-political situations left me economically vulnerable to the weather ruining my crops and I'm powerless against it. Bother! Instead, people could just say... That weird old woman cursed my turnips! Get her!

In 1486, a book was published by the German monk Heinrich Kramer called the Malleus Maleficarum. That means the hammer of witches. It was basically a witch hunting guide for dummies. A century later, even the poshest man in Britain was obsessed with witches. King James I of England, who was also King James VI of Scotland, even wrote his own book about them. called Demonology, another bestseller. But then again, he was a celebrity author. At least he wrote it himself, probably.

So, King James, usually when a slab pitches us a book idea, we get a ghostwriter to do it? You get a ghost to write it? Witchcraft! Burn this publishing house to the ground! So then, how, according to these official witch-finding guides, did you actually find a witch? Well, mostly, it boiled down to this. You have reached 1-800 Snitch on a Witch. Dial 1 if you got sick and there's an old woman you hate. Dial 2 if your cow died.

and there's an old woman you hate. More dial three. If there's an old woman who talks to herself or to animals and you hate her. For any other old woman you hate based incidents, press the star key. One of the first women in England to be executed for witchcraft was Agnes Waterhouse in 1566. Her daughter, Joan Waterhouse, was also accused, but her testimony saved her.

by condemning both Agnes and Agnes's sister, Elizabeth. Getting both your mum and auntie executed must have made Christmas dinner pretty awkward. Joan, see if your mum and auntie want more gravy. Oh, wait, you can't. You got them killed. One reason the English authorities killed Agnes was because she said that she had a cat called Satan, who would apparently do anything for milk. or a drop of blood. But pets will do anything for a treat. I know a cat that jumps up and down for salami.

And if she called her cat Satan, so what? If your pet's name summoned that person to be on your side in a fight, I'd get a cat named Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Hey, little Dwayne, here's a bit of salami for you. From the start, there was a stereotype that witches were older. often unmarried or widows, and heaven help someone if they talked to animals, like I just did. So-called witch hunters could claim any nearby animal was a witch's familiar.

And they weren't just black cats. I'm going to ask you one last time. Did Janet say good morning to you at L900AZ? Ribbit. Nurses refusing to cooperate. Get him, lads. Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit. Oh, ribbit, ribbit. People thought witches got their powers through a diabolic pact with demons. Or even with the devil himself, the boss level demon.

Although it was generally accepted that witches could be any age or gender, it was believed that women were more susceptible to evil influences. Of course, today we know that this is nonsense. Although it might explain why I know so many women who love true crime podcasts. His tongue was never found. Cool! In the British Isles, between 75 and 85% of people accused of witchcraft were women and girls, especially women over 45.

Thank goodness that group doesn't get carted off anymore whenever there's bad weather, otherwise Oliver Bonas would go straight out of business. However, over in Iceland, 92% of accused witches were men. At least Icelanders were ahead of their time when it came to gender inequality. What do we want? To be born at the stake. When do we want it? Now! ¡El combo!

Because witchcraft was often made a criminal offence, witch trials became official legal proceedings, requiring, you know, like actual evidence. Generally, European courts needed at least two witnesses to prove a crime had been committed. Sounds fair, right? Yeah, you can't be found guilty of witchcraft unless two people witness you doing magic. Except...

People often said... But you see, the only reason nobody witnessed it is the devil covers up these witches' crimes using more witchcraft. Double witchcraft! So instead, the authorities would get accused witches to, ahem, confess to these accusations by torturing them. Accused witches were stretched on the rack. or had their limbs crushed, or were burnt on iron chairs. It was horrible. But King James' book, Demonology, suggested a different approach to proving someone was a witch. Welcome back!

Back to Witch or Woman, the game show where we find out if a woman is a witch by making them swim. Oh, that sounds nice. By throwing them into a river with their thumbs tied to their toes. Wait, what? Yep, if a person floated, they said the water was rejecting them, so they were a witch. And if the lady sank, they were innocent. The bad news is she drowned. The good news is she was innocent. Wahey! Another normal woman! Wow! We are on a 100% winning streak here! Wow! That was my mum!

Prosecutors would also claim that marks on the body could be from the devil's touch, even a mould or skin tag or freckle. Impossible beauty standards of women are bad enough these days. Back then, it was murder. Hey. Today on Beauty Blog, I'm going to show you how to hide all those unsightly blemishes before an angry mob of your neighbors ties you up and kills you. So, you take this handy stack.

And you poke another woman with it, shouting, I got the witch right here. And then hopefully they kill her for having a mole instead. So far, so awful. Hey.

What about me? Oh, yeah. In the 1640s, there was another awful rotter called Matthew Hopkins. I'm the Witchfinder General. Says who? Says me. So you just made that up? Oh, so you know my mind, do you? Like some sort of witch? Oh, no, no, no. You carry on, Mr Witchfinder General. Sir. Matthew Hopkins would get accused witches to confess by... Wake up. Come on. Wakey, wakey. Not letting them sleep. Boop, boop, boop.

His first victim that we know of was an 80-year-old lady called Elizabeth, who he kept awake for days before he claimed that he saw her summon her animal familiars. But poor Elizabeth was probably just talking to herself, because no sleep had made her brain go funny. Matthew Hopkins tortured and killed loads of people, riding from town to town, making use of the chaos of the English Civil Wars to make money from scapegoating the vulnerable. I said scapegoating!

People executed for witchcraft weren't always burned. In England and Wales, they were mostly hanged because doing harm by witchcraft was treated as a legal crime, like murder. In Scotland, however, it was seen as a religious crime, so accused witches were burned as heretics. You're under arrest for the religious crime of witchcraft. Prepare to burn.

My feet are over the English border. Fine. You're under arrest for the legal crime of witchcraft. Prepare to hang. You know what? That's probably not as bad. In Scotland, they weren't always burned alive. We're not monsters in Scotland. We'd strangle you fast. Thanks. However, it wasn't the same everywhere. Despite the German states having very high rates of executions, one German town called Rothenburg ob der Taube had really low numbers. Why?

Well, because not only did they investigate accused witches, they also tortured the accusers to make sure they weren't lying, just to ruin their enemies' reputations. And weirdly, it seems that fewer people said, That old woman! when there was a chance that they would be treated as badly as the person that they had accused. Also, communities could sometimes fight back.

Especially if they really liked someone accused of witchcraft. A historical document from Dorset in England from 1606 shows a neighbourhood signed a petition saying that a woman named Joan Guppy was not a witch. You can't kill June. Who else is going to bring jam tarts to next week's fate? I really hope it worked. Usually neighbourhood petitions can't even get potholes filled in. However, ridiculous accusations were still easy to make.

In Lou, in 1671, an unnamed writer claimed a woman he had arrested had used witchcraft to... Make the English Navy lose a battle, stop the Queen having babies and make an MP get killed by a bull. And his proof... She was seen near some bouncing cats. And yeah, the poor lady was arrested. Maybe the cats were just bouncing around her because they wanted salami. Down, Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Much like Gangnam Style, thankfully all bad things must come to an end. One of the last known people executed for witchcraft was Anna Goldie. in Switzerland in 1782. That is just 126 years before they invented the Toblerone. Really makes you think. Despite having once been supported by the law... the church, and a literal king with a book deal, the witch craze thankfully petered out, as most crazes do. And that really gives me hope that one day we'll all stop wearing Crocs.

So, how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out! Pencils at the ready! Here comes question one. What was the name of Heinrich Kramer's best-selling handbook on how to hunt witches? Malleus Maleficarum, which meant the hammer of witches. Question two. Roughly 90,000 people were accused of witchcraft during the European witch craze, but how many were executed?

45,000. And question three. Who was the last person in Europe to be executed for witchcraft in 1782 in Switzerland? Anna Goldie. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up and want to learn more about the witch craze, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me, Professor Susanna Lipscomb. Thank you for listening. Bye!

This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Gabby Hutchinson-Crouch, Athena Kublenu, and Dr. Emma Naguse. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Rees and John Luke Roberts. The script consultant was Professor Susanna Lipscomb.