Justinian and Theodora

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Delivery restrictions apply. See CarMax.com for details. Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner, I'm a historian and I want to tell you about some cool people. Who is history's biggest power couple? Zendaya and Tom Holland have nothing on Justinian and Theodora, the co-rulers of the Byzantine Empire. What's the Byzantine Empire?

Ah, it was the eastern part of the Roman Empire, ranging from Greece all the way to the Middle East and Egypt, and lasting from the 4th century all the way to the 15th century CE. And even though they still called it the Roman Empire, it didn't actually have Rome in it anymore. Yeah, the western half of the Roman Empire had been taken over by different tribes, and they all had names like thrash metal bands.

The Byzantine Empire's main city was called New Rome, but mostly people called it Constantinople. It sits at the meeting point of Europe and Asia, and these days it's called Istanbul in Turkey. It was then home to the largest and most spectacular church in the world, the Hagia Sophia, or Holy Wisdom. And it was built by the nephew of a pig farmer. You what? Yep.

Justinian was born in the Balkans in around the year 480 CE. His name was Flavius Petrus Sabatius Iosianus Augustus. Thankfully, he shortened it to Justinian in honour of his uncle, Justin, who was... A pig farmer. Uncle Justin somehow worked his way up the ranks of the army to become emperor of the Byzantine Empire in 518 CE. And with his uncle in power, young Justinian moved to the big city.

And what was the most important thing he did when he got there? Come on, you blues! Yes, watching sports. Now, the new sport that everyone was into was... And then... Ancient Formula One. But because cars hadn't yet been invented, it was all a bit more... And there he goes. Horse-drawn chariots. And this is where we meet Theodora. Kiwi! Theodora had a lot in common with Justinian. She was also from a poor family. It seems likely that her dad had been a bear trainer.

Sadly, her dad died when she was young, and she and her sisters had to make a living as actresses. While dad was a bear trainer, she was a bear performer. As in, she would perform while completely, uh... She would famously do a very rude performance with a bunch of geese. She also worked as a professional girlfriend to important men in the empire. which helped her learn a lot about politics, religion and how an empire should be run. Hooray for multitasking!

Most historians believe Theodora met Justinian at an arena called the Hippodrome due to their shared love of watching chariot races. Like a meet-cute in a rom-com, but with more broken bones. Gosh, wow. Is this seat taken? It's free. And so am I, by the way. Theodora. I'm Justinian, and it looks like I'm... Justinian time to meet the loveliest girl in the world. I recognise your name. Are you one of the drivers? Golly, no, no, no. But my heart could be. Because baby you've got it racing

Also like a rom-com, their love story hit a few snags. Justinian may have started life on the farm, but now he was a fancy guy, and the law did not allow him to marry a lowly actress. Yes, boo indeed. And according to some reports, Justinian pulled the rom-com happy ending out of the bag by basically saying... Wait, hang on. I'm the emperor's nephew, Uncle Justin. Yes, lad.

Can you change the law so I can marry my beloved? OK. Great. As wedding presents go, changing the law is a bit extra. My uncle just gave me an air fryer. Justinian and Theodora were happily married in 525 CE and Uncle Justin picked Justinian to rule alongside him from the 1st of April 527 CE. Justin was really pulling out all the stops to earn the role of favourite uncle. Teamwork makes a dream work, lad. Together we'll rule this empire for decades. Best uncle ever! Hang on, I just feel a...

And four months later, Emperor Justin was dead. So Justinian became Emperor Justinian I. I only had four months training. How do I run this thing all on my own? Nafo, remember, teamwork makes a dream work. Justinian decided that he preferred to co-rule with a partner. So in stepped his super smart wife, Theodora, to rule with him. Oh, you're the perfect replacement for my uncle. Babe!

That's such a weird thing to say about your wife. Ruling together, Justinian and Theodora did some really incredible things. Justinian and Theodora, the most exciting reign. Doing things like... Legal and tax reform. No, wait. How is that exciting? That's it. I quit. No, no, I quit. And I'm taking this orchestra with me. Come on.

It is exciting, though. Justinian's legal reforms were really important. Before him, the laws were all messy and scattered, and he replaced them with something he called the Code of Justinian. Well, I mean, I called it the corpus juris civilis, but then I do speak Latin, so... All right, show off. Amazingly, this code still influences modern laws today.

Theodora was likely responsible for some very important new laws which improved the lives of women and girls, and punishments for men who harmed women were made more severe, and more protections were put in place for professional girlfriends. Wow, great law reforms, babe. You're smart, powerful, attractive, just like my dead uncle. Okay, you've really got to stop saying that. A lot of this lore work was supervised by a guy called Tribonian. Clever man, silly name.

Another bloke with an important job and a great name was Justinian's pal John the Cappadocian. He reformed the tax system so that rich people paid more taxes. Unfortunately, one of the ways he did this was by torturing them. This was not popular. Babe, there's an angry mob outside burning the city to the ground and killing people. Aw.

Remember the chariot racing our power couple were super into? Well, it was very political, this sport. Two of the biggest teams were the Blues, Justinian's favourite. Come on, you blues! And their rival team, the Greens. Green is grot! Hope they rot! They're the colour of some snot! Well, these two teams decided to join forces. Come on, you... turquoise? To overthrow Justinian. Wait, what? But you're my team! I just shelled out for the new away shirt!

These so-called Nica riots got very scary. Rioters burned the royal palace and the original Hagia Sophia and the bathhouse. Justinian saw the violence consuming the city. and bravely declared, I am out of here. But Theodora was having none of it. One ancient historian wrote that she persuaded him to stay by saying, At the moment of desperate danger, one must do what one can. Every man born to see the light of day must die. But that one who has been emperor should become in exile.

It cannot be. Also known as... Babe, getting bullied after a job by your favourite sports team is a massive ick. Wise advice. We should say that Theodora's speech was recorded by a guy called Procopius, who might not be that trustworthy, as he also claimed that Justinian was a devil who walked around without a head. You what? Can historian... Just lie like that. Greg, set the record straight.

Okay, Justinian definitely had a head. Thank you, Greg. Justinian and Theodora stayed in Constantinople until the Nika riot stopped, and our power couple then rebuilt the city.

And in 533 CE, Justinian began to turn his head, still attached to my body, towards the west. He really wanted to conquer Rome. But that would mean battling those thrash metal tribes from earlier on. Battle of the Bands! The Vandals! Versus a happily married couple! Justinian won. And for ownership of Rome, the Ostrogoth. Versus a happily married... And the lovey-dovey couple have won again

And by the year 537 CE, our power couple had the keys to the eternal city. Ta very much. Oh, the dream of every young married couple. Finally, Rome owners. In 545 CE, Justinian and Theodora also secured a truce with Persia, one of Rome's greatest military threats in the east. Things are going great, baby. Together we'll rule in peace for decades. Oh, hang on. I just feel a tiny bit ill. Sadly, Theodora died in the year 548 CE.

Alone again? Dearest husband, always remember... Teamwork makes the dream work, so I should replace you with yet another co-emperor? Oh, no, no, no, no. Definitely don't do that. Remember that I was brilliant and irreplaceable. Okay. Bye. Don't touch my stuff. And that is how Justinian remembered her. He described her as... Our most pious consort, given us by God. Ah, sweet. Justinian ruled the empire alone until his death in 565 CE, when he was replaced by Justin, his own nephew.

I'm keeping up the family tradition of being the best uncle ever. And if that wasn't Nepo Baby enough, young Justin's wife was also Theodora's niece. Look, babe. If you're getting the best uncle award, I'm being the best aunt. Aw, love you, babe. Ghost kiss. Theodora was even made a saint.

was a far cry from pig farmers and goose dancers. So, how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils at the ready. Question one. What was the main city that Justinian and Theodora ruled from? Constantinople, now called Istanbul. Question two. Where did Justinian and Theodora meet? Watching chariot racing at the Hippodrome. And question three. What was the name of the riots which threatened to overthrow Justinian and Theodora? The Nika riots. Well done.

Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up and want to learn more about Justinian and Theodora, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Professor Peter Frankapan. Thank you for listening. Bye! This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson-Crouch, and Dr. Emma Naguse. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Mali-Ann Rees and Richard David Cain.

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