Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to wob and you need to hear this. Sometimes we do not speak up, especially when people are difficult. Right. We all have those folks, those friends, those family members, sometimes a coworker or the boss where we will hold things in because of how they presented in the past, how we know that they respond to other people, or even them telling us because I go off you know, so it's like, well, I
don't want you to go off on me. So sometimes when we have something really important to say, we really need to correct something, we have a need we need to express, we don't do it because we're like, oh, I know this is going to go bad. I know this person will not receive this. They will be defensive. However, knowing that the person may not like what you have have to hear, you still need to say it because when you don't say it, the only thing you're doing
is prolonging these really big issues. It's not like they change or they have this moment if you know what I've been noticing, how I've done X. No, that doesn't happen. What happens is you continue to experience more of the behavior you don't want in a relationship. So confronting people is really a step towards caring for the relationship, giving the relationship an opportunity to flourish. Because these things have been brought up, and I know with difficult people it
doesn't always flourish. There is some big, huge impact, some implosion, and you know, maybe it breaks apart for a bit, but hopefully there is space for repair. In this week's call, we will be talking to someone who confronted a difficult family member and it went exactly as she thought it would, very poorly, and she is dealing with the faw out of that confrontation. When I hear people say I hate confrontation, I'm so afraid of confrontation. I don't like conflict, I think,
who does? I know? We think some people like to argue, But do they like to argue or do they want to be heard? I don't know if there are these, you know, situations where it's like, I just love to be in conflict with people. You know, sometimes even those people who are you know, moving towards conflict, they're moving towards being heard. They're not moving towards conflict. They may be wanting people to agree with them. So when we think about conflict, it is this thing that many of
us don't want to have. We don't want to have these difficult conversations. We don't want to bring up these big issues, and yet it is very necessary. The longer we sit on them, the more intensity they gained. So over time, you know, an issue is small, it's like, oh my gosh, this person, you know they were late. After they're late ten times, your feedback comes out as anger, it comes out as aggression. It's like every time I
see you, you're so late. I can't when that first time it could have just been like, hey, you weren't
on time today. So think about that as you are moving in your relationships and you're just like letting stuff go, sweeping it under a rug, not paying attention to things, or trying to be passive about things that it's actually just building building building building, And it may get to a point where there is an aggressive outflow of information of offenses of things because you've set with this stuff
for far too long. Let's get into today's letter, because I will tell you it is a four page letter. One of my favorite songs is you know Aliah's four page letter of course that's like a love song. This is a four page letter, and you know it is about love. It is about the love of our family, but also accepting what he is. Let's get into this letter.
Hi there, I'm having a complicated family estrangement issue that has left me completely depressed, drained, and lost. I've had issues here and there over the years of my family, but this time around things really moved into the realm of not speaking. I contributed to this decision in some sense, but it also just happened to go this way, and my family has not put any effort into fixing this
issue either. Everything is extremely complicated for me as my aunt and grandpa are my only two living family members that I have besides my husband and kiddos. It's hard for me to think of cutting them off completely. My mom, dad, and grandm I'm whom I was extremely close with, all passed away by the time I was twenty three. I loved them dearly. Their deaths have completely changed the family dynamics.
They were my biggest cheerleaders and support system, and I sometimes feel so much sadness to have been left with family that I've never been that close with. In the grand scheme of things. I'm hoping you can help me process this and shed some light as to what is the next best thing for me. I'm also hoping you can shed some light about my family, because I just don't understand how they could be this cold to me.
A few months back, my daughters, who are four and six, were supposed to spend the night with my aunt as summer was just starting and my aunt had opened their inground pool. When it was time to drop my daughters off that evening, we went over and I instantly could tell that my aunt had been drinking and was actually quite intoxicated. Instantly in my body, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread because I knew that I couldn't leave my daughters there with an intoxicated person, especially with the
pool being open and then planning on swimming. Once I left, my body instantly felt dread because I knew this night was going to get out of hand because my aunt can't ever accept any sort of criticism or anything that goes against her in any way. I asked if she had been drinking, and in a slur, she answered, well, yes, I've had a few drinks. She had then walked away because some of her friends were heading out and she was seeing them off. At that point, she falls over
trying to get her cover up on. And I'm just watching this unfold, knowing that my relationship with my aunt and the rest of my family, my grandpa, aunt's husband, and her daughter, is going to drastically suffer because I was ultimately deciding that my girls were not in a safe environment for me to leave them. I'm very submissive with my family, as I try to avoid conflict as much as possible, especially with them, because I know they
don't react well to things like this. I value their relationship so much that over the years I would not dare even say what is on my mind because I would fear losing my family or being looked at as the block sheep. I eventually approached my aunt, though, and told her I'd be taking the girls with me, but that I could bring them to the movie theater tomorrow, as they had already pre purchased tickets to go to
the movies the next day. I explained it in such a non threatening way, and I was just hoping she could see where I was coming from. I just was not comfortable with leaving my children that night. I was met with confrontation and basically her telling me to do whatever the f I needed to do in a very nasty tone and demeanor. On our way out, the door slammed behind us, and I could hear yelling as we left for the car from inside the house.
Wow. You know, the glue in my family of origin was my grandmother, And I remember after my grandmother passed, holidays looked a lot different.
You know.
My grandmother would pull everybody together, all of the grandchildren, all of her children, their partners. I meant everybody be together, and you know, after her passing, it was very scattered. We struggled to figure out what that new normal look like. And you know, I don't think we ever got to a new normal because there are some people in the family who really know how to keep relationships going, how to embrace the connection within the family, and also how
to minimize some of the conflicts. So it sounds like you lost some elders who really had some good skills for keeping the family together. And I think that happens sometimes, and you know, it's really unfortunate when you start to see that shifting your family and there is this struggling to figure out like, who's going to keep it going? We can assume that because there are elders in the family, that they will be the person to keep it going.
Whether it's your grandfather or your aunt. You're like, the should be passed to them. And sometimes those people aren't in a position to carry that torch, or they don't want to. They may not have the level of desire or training that those other elders had, and so things will be different. I think it's so wonderful that you protected your children despite the conflict that you knew would occur by doing so. How courageous to say they cannot stay here?
You know?
The first thing I thought of was the swimming pool. I'm like, oh my gosh, intoxicated adult supervising kids in a pool. I don't like it. It seems very scary. I think sometimes with kids, we have to make those tough decisions despite who it might harm. Protecting your kids is a huge part of being a parent, and in many and instances, because we are trying to people please, we will put our kids in situations that's very uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous for them. So kudos to you for
saying not today, this will not happen. This is unsafe. I am not comfortable. I will be taking my kids home. You prioritize safety over people pleasing with your aunt and her criticism and her inability to accept it. You may have to accept that even though this person doesn't like it. You may still need to be honest. You know, when we're in a work environment and you're the superior of someone who doesn't like feedback, it doesn't mean that you
don't give them feedback. You don't be honest during their annual review. You let them know, hey, these are the things, this is what you need to work on, because if not, they'll continue to do things incorrectly. They'll continue to impact business or workflow. It's the same way in our other relationships. We can't withhold that information because it's actually problematic. So I'm trying to protect you, but I'm protecting you from something that you actually need to hear. And a person
doesn't have to like what's being said. You may fear confrontation because you're trying to get the person to like what you're saying or what you're doing. In a relationship, I can't say anything because they don't like it. Well, you still need to say it, even if they don't like it. It's a very important thing that needs to be said. Remember this, people who are easily offended will
be easily offended. So if your aunt, your friend, you're whoever, has an issue where they get like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this person's said anything to me, anything that is said to them, they will have that same response. It's not you, as not other people, it is them. What is typically happening is the other people in their life.
They're not speaking up. I certainly know people who have the same relationship issues with many people, and the ones that they're able to maintain is because people aren't being honest with them. People aren't saying what the issue is because they want to stay in a relationship, and so they've made an agreement that I won't say anything because this person can't handle the truth. But in the situation of someone being intoxicated and caring for your kids, that
is a time to speak up. I'm always fascinated by the word black sheep and the meaning we attached to it. What does it mean? What does it mean to us when we say it? You know, it's it's like a very isolating term, I am the black sheep of sheep. Everybody's tan and I'm black, and I'm over here, and I'm just you know, off by myself. What I think of as the black sheep is the person who is
willing to speak up, the person who highlights stuff. If there are some issues in the family and you come over and you're like, hey, you're intoxicated, and everybody else is sitting there sort of ignoring it, is that a bad thing? When someone needs to be protected, such as children, Is it a bad thing to say, Hey, this person can't come to the family gathering because they've harmed you know, maybe children in the family, or this person is you know, abusive,
or whatever is happening in the family. Sometimes, you know, I think we need to speak up. And if the result of speaking up is isolation, how do we get better at allowing people to issue us consequences? Because that's what I'm hearing. The consequence of you speaking up, although is harsh, the consequence is disconnection. I don't want to be connected to you if you can't ignore these terrible things that I'm doing. Let's keep listening.
The next morning, I had sent my aunt a long text message explaining that I was sorry things had to play out that way the previous evening, and that I value her and our relationship and just hope she could understand where I was coming from as a mother. I basically swept her poor behavior under the rug because I thought if I didn't, there would surely be consequences for my actions. What I was actually worried about ended up happening regardless of me sweeping her actions under the rug.
My aunt completely removed us from the family in many ways. I was told to have the girls at the movie theater by eleven and that the only thing she has to say is you're their mom, moving on, no hard feelings, Love you too. Then she had me pick the girls up after the movie, and that's the last time we saw my aunt. Since then, I stopped hearing from my family minus a few texts. My grandfather and her are very close, and I figured i'd completely stop hearing from
him as well. I'm not sure what she ever told him about the night she was drunk and tried to keep my girls, but I can only imagine her playing it in her favor, and that I am the villain in all of this.
What's sticking out for me is what I was actually worried about ended up happening regardless of me sweeping her actions under the rug. Isn't that interesting that you're trying to protect the person who is harming everyone else, and even in your protection, there is no protection for you. Sweeping things under the rug leaves you with a very dirty floor. It is not a fixer. It doesn't do anything. The dirt is still there, you know. I think of when we pick our rugs up and we shake them out.
I picked some rugs up in my house, particularly like a doormat, to shake it out, and it's so dirty. I have to throw it away. It's just trash. Now. I haven't tended to it enough. I've ignored it for so long that I can't even keep it. I can't even keep it anymore. It just needs to go. I can't wash it, I can't sweep it. There is so much dirt in this rug. I'm just shaking, shake and shake and shake and shaking, and there's more dirt. I hear that. There has been so many things under this rug.
And now as you're talking about these things, it's coming up. It's coming out. And when it comes up and comes out. It's like a laundry list of things. It's you know, and this and that and this and that, and then you know ten years ago and in this year, and it's just all of life, this stuff. Okay, let's keep listening.
The next time I heard from my aunt was a few days before the fourth of July, when she invited us to her Fourth of July party. I declined, as we were just getting back from a camping trip, but also because I felt the only reason we were being invited was for show. Because every one of her friends and our family friends were being invited to her Fourth of July party, it would be easier to invite us than not, especially for when people would ask where we were.
I know that my family has gotten together numerous times without a single invite to us. When I finally did talk with my grandfather, it was small talk, which is completely exhausting at this point, and Tim telling me all about some of their trips out to the lake, as well as them going out to dinner several times to places that are no more than fifteen minutes from where
I live, in some cases in walking distance. I'm not sure why he would tell me about them getting together when he knows I long for family connection and so badly would love to be there with them. In the past, I've expressed several times that I just want to be invited to family functions. Then I heard from my aunt again through text, saying, Hey, we have a present for
the birthday girl. The birthday girl is my daughter. I honestly didn't want to just get together so my daughter could get a gift when she hadn't spoken to us in over two months. At this point, the thought of us getting together with them for a gift honestly sounded like torture. I had so much anxiety and anger over this text, because honestly, neither my daughter nor I want gifts. We just want to be a part of the little family we have left and feel love and to be included.
I never ended up responding because I was so hurt and had a loss of words to reply. The day of my daughter's birthday, we never got any sort of call or even a text message from them wishing her a happy birthday. I was completely crushed. Since then, my other daughter's birthday has happened, and again we heard nothing from them.
Hmmm, we can't control whether people invite us to stuff. I think you can certainly put that out there, right. I love to be included, but people can still not include you. I think it's very brave of you to express that. But they have the opportunity to decide to decide if they want you in their life. And although you want to be in their lives, they may not want that same thing. In terms of your grandfather telling you about the things that they're doing. I wonder if
you've been clear about your expectation there. Have you said I don't want to hear about you getting together with my aunt? Has that been stated or are you assuming that he should know what I'm hearing? Is there some assumption that he should know not to talk about those things? And it's an area that you need to be very clear about. I don't want to hear about your gatherings with my aunt. It hurts my feelings. You know. I've stated I want to a part of his family, and
I understand I'm not. And it's really painful to hear this. You know. It makes me think of when there's an estrangement and a family or even you know, when you end a relationship. We typically unfollow these people online because we don't want those reminders. We may say to people in our lives, Hey, I broke up with so and so, please don't talk about them anymore. This is a situation where that sort of thing may need to happen. You need to say it directly and not assume that he
knows what you want in this situation. In terms of the texting around the birthday, I wonder if you're sabotaged a bit by not responding. There was a reach out, and I understand that there was some anxiety and you know, some frustration on your part, but she did reach out.
So on the actual birthday when there wasn't a response, you know, I can't help but think of how there was a cause and effect situation at play there that you know, because you didn't respond, she took that to mean this, and maybe you didn't mean that this other thing was happening, But there was no clarity in that situation. So I know it's very hurtful and confusing, but it's also a very gray situation when there was no repair
to happen. Do you want to repair this? Because I think the reach out you know, before the birthday was actually an opportunity to potentially repair. You know, you're maybe saying like, hey, you know, we have a present for the birthday girl. I wonder you know, if you were to respond of like, oh my gosh, thank you, was that the repair you were looking for? Let's keep listening.
Over the years, I'd say that since my grandmother has passed away, there has been less and less room for myself within my family. With my aunt and grandfather. We are invited to the regular holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, but really have been removed from much more. My grandmother used to tell me that my aunt was jealous of me when my aunt and I had conflicts, but I
never asked questions around this. My aunt has even gone as far as telling me in an argument that that's her dad talking about my grandfather and that he loves her more. My grandpa has been the only male figure in my life since my dad passed away. When I was in seventh grade. I didn't engage in this conversation too much because she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Ever since that fight, I felt like I
needed to walk on eggshells around my aunt. That argument happened because I didn't want to bring tequila to one of her pool parties, but wanted to bring pasta salad so my kiddos could have something to eat while we were there. There have been many issues over the years. For a long time, I wouldn't speak up about my feelings, but then I started to. But unfortunately, it's either always met with my family ignoring what I say, or being met with my aunt throwing out issues she has with me.
But I never hear of her issues until I bring up my issues, So it feels like she's only doing this to deflect my concerns and take away from what I'm saying. It takes everything for me to say what I'm feeling with my family. I don't like confrontation.
I felt like I've needed to walk on eggshells around my aunt. With relationships, we have to decide if we want close relationships or just a relationship with family. There is often this expectation that the relationship has to be close. With friends, we have a whole designation best friend, friend, close friend, you know, we have all of these things to sort of signify the type of relationship. Is it possible that those same designations need to be made with family?
You know? Maybe you're not my best grandma, you're not my best sister, you're not my best aunt, you're not my closest aunt. We just have a relationationship, and perhaps that relationship is once a year we speak to each other. Maybe it's not close. I'm hearing some desire to force some closeness where on both sides it's not a good match. Your aunt wants tequila at the party and you want a pasta salad. Those are two very different things to bring to a party. So you know, with our family,
we may not have things in common. It doesn't mean I don't love you, it doesn't mean I don't like you, but it's certainly saying I'm a pasta salad girl. I'm not a tequila girl. And that's okay.
You know.
Maybe you go to the event and you hang out and that's it, and maybe there are no more events. Maybe she has more in common with your grandfather, maybe they have more of a shared history, maybe they have more store. Maybe there's something there that doesn't exist between the.
Two of you.
That's really hard to accept. You know. I've seen it in families where people may say, oh my gosh, my sister is closer to her friends than me. You know, a lot of it has to do with personality, It has to do with temperament, It has to do with who we are as people. So just because there is some blood connection, it doesn't mean that there is a relational connection. Those two things are different. There is no
relationship in our blood. There's many things that can happen within our family, but force forcing that connection is not one of those things. It is or it isn't, and for some of us, it doesn't exist within the family, and that's when we have to build relationships outside of the family. I hear you struggling with this idea that these may not be your people. They are clearly stating
in their behaviors what they want behavior is information. So if somebody is excluding you, what is that saying they don't want you to be a part of it. Let's keep listening.
My grandfather's house is on the way to my girls' school, and I've seen my aunt's car over there dozens of times over the years. Again, I never get an invite, and I live about ten minutes from my grandfather. It has just become so obvious to me that they get to decide when and when they don't want me around. My relationship with them has diminished over the years. At this point, I believe I'm not being treated the way a family member should be. I'm not saying they haven't
been there completely. They were great the first few years that my grandmother passed. Problems really started to occur when my fiance spoke up to my grandfather about not wanting to remodel our home in a certain way. For years, we were excluded from many family gatherings because of that. My grandfather screamed and got into my fiance's face. Because of that incident, my fiance simply asked him to leave.
It was a long road for us to get back to somewhat normal, although since then it never went back to normal. My family is very harsh and can be very unforgiving. Regardless of that, though this all has been very hard on me. I'm disturbed that my aunt would allow this to go on like it has, and she's okay with having the family split up like this. I'm disturbed that my grandfather follows her lead in this and
has decided to not reach out to me either. I know I could reach out, but I'm so incredibly tired of always being the one to reach out to make the effort. For some reason in my gut, I feel as though my aunt is happy I'm out of the picture. I feel done in many ways though that there is no going back. How do I proceed? I feel there are days that I'm okay with this, but others where it completely eats me alive and I wish it wasn't like this at all. I feel I'm a whole holding
on because they're my only living relatives. I've not been the best mother to my little ones while dealing with this, because I've been drained and just depressed about what is. I love my grandfather and aunt, but I'm also at this point of feeling like I could just be better off without them, But I don't know how to make that final decision. I'm not a loss. Could you please give me some insight? Thanks so much.
This sticks out, although since then it never went back to normal. My family is very harsh and can be unforgiven. What is the normal? Is the normal? Very harsh and unforgiving? Is the normal something that maybe even you don't want to tolerate. I know there is this emphasis for you on having relationships with your family but what is the family that you're clanking to. Is it the family that past or is it the family that is Is it an idea of what family should be like, or is
it the family that you have. We can really romanticize what relationship should look like, should be like with people to the point that we will stay in them and just try to forget about what he is and make the situation fit as much as we possibly can. And I'm sure that's why you ignored so much of this, because you wanted to make this fit. I mean, it's like, you know, Cinderella and the stepsisters. They wanted to have their foot in that shoe and it did not fit.
What I'm hearing over all here is this struggle to keep a situation together when all signs are pointing to nothing is able to jail. It's not working. They don't want it. The hardest part in all of this is perhaps you not accepting that they don't want the relationship. From here, I would say, how do you move on with your family, with your husband and your children and you create something healthy, How do you move on with
the family that you have? Because you're not a person who doesn't have any family, You don't have those family members. How do you build what you want to see? That is the work to do. Now, how do you expand this idea of what family is? You know, blood or adoptive family, or you know fictional family or friends, or you know, whatever that entails. There is space for familial community. You can build healthy and wonderful relationships from other sources.
It may not be these folks who don't want it. You need to hear this. Accepting what he is can look like accepting that people don't want a relationship with us. When you are pushing someone to be in relationship when they don't want that, it's a boundary violation. When you are trying to make someone change when they don't want that, it's a boundary violation. It doesn't matter if it's healthy. You can want these things for them, but if they
don't want it, you're violating them. I know that's tough to hear because you know, sure, there is a different way to be There is a different way to show up in relationships where those relationships could be healthy. But we have to consider the people we're in relationship with, and sometimes some of these people it's just not possible to have a healthy relationship with them. We have to
accept that all relationships cannot be maintained. You need to hear this is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra Glover to Whip. Our executive producer is Joe L. Baldique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships that you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. You know, I'm really interested in people who want to
talk more about frenemies, postpartum and father son relationships. If you are having any challenges in those areas or you're looking to process something in those areas, please send us a voice note or write a letter and I would love to talk through those issues with you on You need to hear this