Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadrik lover to wab and you need to hear this. When we start romantic relationships, sometimes we are looking for a particular thing and a particular person. Perhaps we are looking for something completely opposite than what we experienced in our last relationship, or maybe we're looking for fun, or maybe we are looking for
someone to rescue us. After being in a relationship with someone for a few years, we may start to realize that thing that I needed so much of in the beginning is no longer what I need. And now I'm in this relationship with this person who met me one way and I've completely changed or my needs have changed. How do I show up in a different way? How do you show up when the person you meet is
very different from who they presented as. So today we will be talking about one reclaiming your identity and reclaiming yourself a statement a relationship. But I'll tell you right off, relationships would be much healthier if we did some work around not only what we want, but why and exploring is that something we need to offer ourselves or something that we need to expect from our partners. Let's get started with today's letter.
Hi Nindra, thank you so much for all of your impactful work. Your responses to others issues have been a huge help to me, and I hope that others can resonate with my situation and get help as well. Where do I begin. My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have a three year old son.
I met amount of time in my life when I need a direction and I wasn't sure if the choices I was making in my career and personal life or leading to the life that I want, which was to be a successful working mother with a supportive husband, and we would grow with each other as we faced life's adventures. We had a whirl when romance moved in together after five months, were engaged at eight months, moved to another state together four months later, and got married a year
after that. We moved so fast that I didn't recognize certain aspects of my husband until it felt too late to get out of the relationship.
He grew up.
Watching his father emotionally and physically abuse his mom, and my husband displays many of the behaviors typical of someone who was emotionally abusive. He likes to control my behavior choices, speech, appearance, parenting style, and my relationship with others. He's also extremely critical of everything I do, and he constantly nags and complains about things that I do, from the food I cook to how I clean our home to what I
decide to do. When I finally have a moment to myself, it makes me feel so small and I don't feel loved or respected in this marriage. I don't feel comfortable to be myself. I walk on eggshells all day and I feel like I don't have an identity of my own anymore since my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of how to appease him. I never saw myself as someone that was weak until I met him, and it seems
like I'm always failing to meet his unrealistic expectations. I've been successful in my career and used to have fruitful and strong relationships, and now I feel like I've lost myself as well as been isolated for my friends and family. After adjusting to life as a mom and surviving in this emotionally abusive marriage.
There is a lot to process here. The first thing that is coming to mind is when did you start to notice these shifts where you are willing participant. Sometimes we look at others and we say, oh my gosh, they made me lose myself When there is some responsibility and giving ourselves away, and it doesn't happen immediately, it sort of happens over time. We can get so excited about people loving us and caring for us that we just give them everything. Well what do you think about
this thing? Should I wear this? What do you think about that? And over time it becomes the voice that they use with us. They are now the criticizer. They are now this person who who knows how much we value what they have to say and what they think. One of the things I've seen work really really well with this is gaining some courage and strength through therapy.
You need a person where you can be absolutely honest with about what's happening, so that you're constantly reminded what's happening is not normal, what's being said is uncomfortable, and here are some ways that you can start to manage it. When you don't have those relationships with family and friends,
it's very important that you build those relationships somewhere. Maybe it's therapy, you know, maybe it's a support group, but it needs to be some level of support so you're not isolated in this, because as long as you're isolated, you will not be able to work through some of this stuff, because, let's face it, he is your only
support right now. You have to find some other people who can help build your self esteem, who can help you reidentify some of those things that you've lost over time because you're walking on eggshells and trying to figure out what's happening here. One of my favorite movies is The Color Purple, and in this movie, the main character, Seeley, She is sent to live with this man who is
emotionally abusive and physically abusive. She loses her self esteem, she completely loses her identity, and it's not until she discovers I'm telling the whole movie, Oh my gosh, spoiler alert. I forgot to say that, it's not until she discovers the secret that he's been keeping. I won't say what
the secret is. There, I've saved something that she's able to start unwrapping some of the damage that has been done, and she slowly gains courage and her voice and she starts to use it, and it's, oh my gosh, it's
so offensive. To him, there are times when because of a relationship, we slowly start to lose parts of ourselves, and there is an event, there is a person, there is a relationship that we can have like such as that with a therapist or with a friend that can really pull us out to show us this is who you are, don't you remember? Let's keep listening to hear more about this story.
Additionally, we decided to move to a new city, San Diego, a year and a half ago, to care for a sick mother and get support from his family to help with our son. But the move was an absolute nightmare. My husband decided to leave his job and start his own company once he moved, but his business is not profitable yet and this has been a huge blow to his ego, causing him to be more depressed and take
out his frustrations on others close to him. We live with my mother in law, and her behavior in the general home environment has been toxic since we moved here. She and my husband argued constantly for our first year here about so many things, bills, the past, their ideas of how our son should be raised, how the house should be managed. I got dragged into many of the arguments and was often placed in the middle as a mediator or for them to use me as someone to
co sign on their viewpoint. Things have been more civil among all of us now, but my relationship with her is now ruined, and our relationship with my son is now strained as well. She's worried she will upset my husband by getting close to her grandson.
I'm hearing that he is not only abusive in the relationship with you. There's this dynamic playing out with him and his mom as well, and it sounds like there could be some allyship there, and I hear the fear on your part, But that may be the person in this with you, or at least having the conversation to open the floor and say, what do you think about what he said? When? What do you think about this
thing that he did last week? You know, having that conversation, you may be able to understand her position and be able to even get some courage and inspiration from that, like oh my gosh, like this could be you. You know, this could be a cycle repeating. You now have a son who's watching this dynamic and it seems like his mother is being treated by him how she was treated by his father, So I would talk more about this a bit openly, just to see where her head is
and if she's aware of what's happening. If she's aware of what's even happening with you, let's keep listening.
As you can imagine, it's been exhausting managing the issues in my marriage, plus the contentious environment in the home with my mother in law, plus raising a toddler in a new city without my friends and family, plus serving as the breadwinner and taking on the pressure of managing everything in the household while my husband builds his business. A month ago, I got the courage to tell my husband I went out of the relationship. I went out of the marriage, and I need to move back to
my hometown as soon as logistically possible. I let him know that I don't feel loved or appreciated and this isn't how I want to live my life anymore. I just have had enough of the stress and anxiety, and I don't want my son to be influenced by the toxicity anymore, or for him to see me as someone who is weak and letting others. My husband, my mother in law disrespects me. I don't want him to think
this behavior is okay. I want to be just as strong in my home life as I am in my professional life, which I absolutely thrive in and have received multiple promotions in the last two years, despite the craziness going on in my personal life.
I hear that you have some healthy self esteem, and that healthy self esteem seems to play out in the work environment. You know, we can be different parts of ourselves depending on the atmosphere of the environment we're in. So it's already in you to do the standing up, to be assertive, to do a wonderful job as a human. You already do it at work, and I'm sure you do it as a mother. It's very interesting because of the environment with him, you're not able to tap into
what's already manifested in you. It's already there. You're not doing anything different, you're learning any new skills. You already have the tools. What I'm hearing with you saying, hey, this marriage is not working. I don't feel love or appreciate it. It reminds me of the atmosphere we're in with women initiating more divorces in this season. You know, I'm hearing a lack of appreciation and over time, that
resentment does turn into stress and anger and anxiety. Because you want to be noticed for the good that you do. We want to hear good job, Oh thank you so much for cooking. Oh thank you so much. You do such a wonderful job with our son. You take care of the home so well. And I know that sounds like what who would say that you know a person who appreciates you. A thank you can happen at any time, and it can be for anything. It can be for
you picking something up off the floor. So it is so important to very many of us that we are seeing in the way of being thanked. That is how you appreciate us. It's not you know, oh my gosh, you have to write a card and send balloons and all this stuff. Sometimes I think you can go a long way. I love a thank you, and I love to send a thank you card. I love to tell people thank you. That is such a powerful phrase. And what I'm hearing is you're not being thank You're not
being appreciated. No one is seeing, you know, your hard work in all of these environments, and instead you're getting this passive aggressive response of you could be doing more or this is what I think about this, ah dinner, This is what you may that is very hurtful, and yes, it is very harmful. Again, you know, I think you
need some support around this. When people end up in unhealthy relationships, it can be quite embarrassing to share with other people, to let people know what you've been going through. But what I will say is, once we speak about the things we're going through, you will be shocked and utterly surprised by other people who've been dealing with the same stuff, who may have some words of encouragement for you, who may have some resources for you that can be
very supportive for you in this season. So keeping quiet is actually keeping that support away. Keeping quiet is more harmful than you sang to someone who you know, maybe you haven't spoke to them in a while, and you can open up and say, hey, you know, I know it's been a few months, I haven't called. There's been a lot on my mind and I just want to tell you I am very drained by my marriage. This is what I'm going through. Let people know. Maybe not everybody.
You know, it's your business. You don't have to tell everyone, but it can be really helpful to tell some people who have the capacity to listen and to be there for you about what's happening with you, because when you're operating an isolation, I'm sure you're living in this sort of questioned city, like was that weird? Do he mean that?
What did he mean by this? What is that? You know, like all of these questions when in actuality, if you talk to someone about this and just say, hey, this is what was said, someone could say, oh my gosh, that's that's mean, that's not normal. I can't believe he said that. Like, you know, you can get some feedback from someone from a friend, from a family member, and heck yeah, from a therapist. You need some support around this issue, and the support is not going to be
offered with your son. You know he is. He is charming and sweet, I'm sure, but he needs to have the opportunity to be in healthy relationships himself. So think of you getting some help as showing him a path for receiving some help as well, some support around managing his emotions, because he is now an environment where he's not seeing people do well, is particularly d with managing his reaction to things, So it can be very helpful in many ways for you to work on some of
this stuff. I know you have a ton of questions about what you're going through, and after this break we will get back to those questions. You know, as we were on break, I thought about this listical I created a few years ago, and it is ten signs of emotional abuse. Let's go through the ten. Number one, the silent treatment. That is when someone refuses to speak to you when you are direct speaking to them. We may say something to them and they're like, you're not even here,
You're invisible, right, So the silent treatment. Number two blaming others for your feelings. It is your thought. I am angry. I am mad because you made me mad because you didn't clean out the dishwasher. Number three. Manipulating to get what you want, you know, trying to intentionally change someone's feelings because you want something. Number four Intentionally shaming someone, trying to make them feel bad. Oh, if you don't help me, then blank, right, So I'm going to make
you feel bad enough that you will help me. You will do this thing that I need you to do. Five Ridiculing someone for expressing emotions. Oh, look at you, you're crying. What are you crying about? You're always crying about stuff. Oh you're sad? You know. I think it sounds as I'm saying this, it sounds very childlike. But in adult relationships we do this, you know, we ridicule people for having an expression of emotion. Why are you crying?
Why are you upset? What are you sad about? And they know exactly what it is because they just did something, you know, explosive to make you feel that way. Number six Ignoring a person when they express their feelings or thoughts, not even listening to you, right like, I heard you say that, but I also did not hear you say that. Number seven. Not responding to be is for comfort when you are upset and a person caused it, and you're like, oh, can you hold my hand? Can we talk through this?
Can you? You know, all of these things in a person's like no, you sit there and suffer. You know, it's almost like a taunting that some people can do sometimes. Number eight telling someone how they should or should not feel. You don't have anything to be upset about. You don't need to cry about that. Why are you angry? You're the one who said this to me. Nine gaslighting, which kind of encompasses all of the above, trying to make
you feel as if what happened did not happen. You know, gaslighting is one of the biggest signs and probably most prominent signs of emotional abuse that we see, making someone question their sanity, making someone question what they feel or what they saw happen. And number ten ignoring attempts to communicate when you're trying to work through something and the person isn't clear like, hey, I'll talk to you about it later. They're just like, I'm not talking about it.
I'm not talking about it, with no indication that they will follow up on it. You know, if it happens often enough, it can be a bit abusive. You know, any one of these things, occasionally, I would not say is abuse. It's human nature to maybe manipulate sometimes sometimes we do get caught up and you know, not responding to someone's bids for comfort. But if this is the way that a person responds ninety nine point nine percent of the time, then there may be some things happening
that are not one offs. It is not just you know, a poor decision on this particular day. It's a pattern of behaviors. You give me the silent treatment. Often I can tell you five times in the last week, you stop talking to me. I've seen this play out where couples will say, yeah, we haven't talked to each other in two weeks. What do they mean by that? It's been like you have our son, Okay, bye, that's the
conversation for two weeks. It's only based on that one thing where I'm not asking you for anything, I'm not telling you when dinner's ready, I just will not talk to you. So some of these things it becomes a part of the relationship dynamic, not just with you know, the one person being emotionally withdrawn or abusive, but you can start to mimic some of this stuff too in response to other people in our relationship. We have to
look at both parties right. Sometimes we're like, oh my gosh, this person is always doing this thing to me, and I wonder, even in our desire to protect ourselves, what are we doing. You know, sometimes we're doing nothing and sometimes we are doing something. So be aware of what you might be bringing to the situation as well. Are you the person who blames that person for having feelings
when you've created some dynamic. This isn't necessarily for the letter writer, this is for all of us because we need to be aware of ourselves in relationships. Am I gaslighting this person because I just told them that that didn't happen a way that they thought it did. Maybe I am? Wow. There is power and self correction. So if you notice yourself doing any of these things in a partnership and a friendship and a family ship and a coworkership, please correct yourself. We're not looking for here,
but we are looking for practice. So just do a little bit better next time, or go back and say, oh my gosh, the other day, you know, you were trying to tell me something and I completely shut you down. My apologies. Do you want to talk to me about it now? So there are ways to get out of these behaviors. Is you notice that you're the perpetrator? Because to some extent, maybe we all do this, but not all the time. It's problematic when we are the person
who's constantly in this set of behaviors. Let's get back to those questions from the letter writer. So my main questions are, first, how can I start to rebuild my self esteem after nearly a decade of being put down by my partner? I know there's so much to learn from my mistakes, and I'm already feeling stronger than I have in a really long time. But how can I keep this momentum up while navigating the separation and pending
the force. I started reading self help books when I was in high school, and my introduction to self help was Ayala van zand I was really drawn to her personality and I liked her books. One of the books I read that I often recommend to clients is In the Meantime. Now, imagine me a sixteen seventeen year old girl reading In the Meantime, which is about you know what to do when you're in this rocky place in your relationship or when you're between, you know, dating relationships.
I'm reading this book. A lot of the scenarios at the time did not apply to me, but I thought it would be good preparation for my place in the world, because we all end up in relationships at some point, so I just wanted to know what might be headed
my way. So I'm going to recommend that book because I'm hearing some of those scenarios that I read in that book, which I have read again as a full fledged adult, playing out in your relationship, and it can be very helpful for us to identify with the stories of others, to have some sort of guide to help us along the way. So the book that I would recommend for self esteem rebuilding after a difficult relationship is In the Meantime. Another book that is coming to mind
is Whole Again, Whole Again. In that book, it talks about how to repair yourself after all of the emotional abuse, how to recover from toxic relationships. There's a lot of newer tips about things to do. So I would say those two books would be very helpful.
I know.
For in the meantime, there's a journal to accompany the book that could be really helpful. So if you buy the book or if you buy the journal, it could be helpful for processing some of those things. I'm a fan of a journal, and I will tell you why I love a guided journal based on whatever issue you're experiencing in life, because it will give you all of
the questions to do the work. So if you are working through a challenge with having a partner who has a substance abuse issue, there is a workbook for that. There's a workbook for that. And guess what you know. It'll go through all these areas of the relationship that maybe you didn't even think about. And I think it's a great way to prepare to go to therapy or even to show up in the therapy space. I always
recommend a good old work book to my clients. If we don't do the pages together, sometimes I'll pull it out and I'll say, Okay, here's a page, or let's talk about this. It's not even you have to feel this in and do this activity. Let's just talk about this. Let's look at these workbook questions because I may not even know what to ask, but someone does. There's a workbook for that. Let's move on to the next question.
How do I reclaim my identity when so much of my intention has been drawn elsewhere. I don't even know where to start when it comes to caring for myself, figuring out who I really am now since so much has changed since becoming a mom.
I feel like this episode is about to be a whole episode about book recommendations, because the thing that I am hearing the most is there's a lot of work to be done around personality recovery, identity, lifestyle transition, and that reminds me that there's not one thing you need to do. There are many things that need to be done. You know, you can rest and pause. But a book is coming to mind. I'm thinking of a book called mom Brain. I'm thinking of another book that could be
really good for this, called self nurture. You're going through so many things at once. When you become a mom, many of us take on the new identity as mom. You know, I'm no longer Nadra, I'm this kid's mom, and you are still yourself. You are still in there steal a person with needs, even though this little human has a ton of needs, even though your husband has a ton of needs, even though his mom, even though the household you have all the same needs that you've
always had and you're just adding more to it. So there is this harmony that we have to create to make sure we are taking care of ourselves really, really well. And one way that I think we can do that better is to learn how we have to learn how we have to become educated about taking care of ourselves in this role of being a mother, of being a father, of you know, even being a friend. We have to
learn how to be friends. Sometimes we have to learn how to be in healthy relationships, because you can see what happens when we don't learn anything. We just repeat what we've seen, We repeat what we know others have done, and it's not always best and most of the time it's a disaster. And in this situation you describe, your husband has seen this stuff and now he's just repeating it.
It would have been so helpful to learn something different that comes from maybe not our environments, it can come from educating ourselves about how to show up as a healthy being in our relationships with others. Let's keep listening.
I'm doing so much reflecting the help of my therapist on things I should have healed before starting my relationship with my husband, and developing plans to do even more healing and growing so that I can be my best self. Feelings of guilt and regret often creep up while doing this work, not to mention that I feel like I'm doing this own loan. Since I've been isolated for my
friends and family and to the controlling marriage. What can I do to move past those negative thoughts and strengthen compassion for myself and the situation I put myself in.
I'm so happy to hear your going to a therapist. Take all of these book recommendations, these workbook recommendations, take them back to your therapist and see what they feel about. You know, some of these things. It can be really helpful for us to figure out, you know, how we got ourselves to this point. But what is the most pressing thing right now? Whatever is happening right now? It's not oh my gosh, five years ago I was in this space. It's like, girl, he yelled at me yesterday,
right like, that's what we need to work through. It's wonderful to know how you got here and all those things. But I would say there are some solution focused approaches that could be really helpful here. What do you do next time when he says this thing? What do you do when he tries to demean you? How do you respond to him being upset when you say no? Those are the things that could be helpful right now? Why you got here? You spoke about it. It was a whirlwind.
He was very nice, and let's face it, people and they were jerks. On a first date, you would not be here. I'm sure. He was charming, wonderful, His cologne smelled good, his fingernails was clipped, he was funny, all of the things you would not be with a monster who bopped you over the head on the first date. It doesn't happen that way. There is a process to it, right, So how did you get here? And oh my gosh,
I'm a terrible person. You're a person who believed in other human beings, you were hopeful, you thought love was love. You listen to your mother's, your friends, like you've watched some movies like this is what we expect, and hopefully that happens. Hopefully that happens. Every once in a while. It does not. And I'm saying every once in a while loosely, but that's what I want to believe. But
sometimes it does not happen that way. It doesn't mean, oh my gosh, I was picking the wrong things unless they were right with the right person. A lot of these things we do in the beginning, you know, It's like, with the right person, this wouldn't be an issue five years later. So some of this stuff you may pick apart about yourself. Oh I should have did this. It was this thing, it was that thing. It's like, this may have been a situation of the person and not the behavior. Let's keep listening.
Realistically, can the relationships with my mother in law and my husband be salvaged. I don't want to be connected to him romantically anymore, but we will need to have a good working relationship moving forward so that we can raise our son from our respective households dual custody. Since I told him my decision to leave, he has not been critical, has not controlled me, and we've been able
to be cordial and handle logistics of parenting together. He recognized his part and my decision, but I don't think he's going to change how he is, which is why I am moving on. I just don't know how long this peace will last. I'm terrified that I'll start trying to micromanage how I raise my son when he's with me. I'm leaving because I don't have the freedom to be myself. I just want to make sure I have the tools
to maintain that freedom. Details are important to note. We attended couples therapy prior to our moved to San Diego and I found it helpful, but my husband did not, and he decided that we would manage things on our own. We each have our own therapists who have been helping us grow separately since moving to San Diego, and we're still currently in the same household, but I will be moving out in a month. Thank you so much for listening.
Years ago, I read this book called The Choice by doctor Edith Ecker, and she spoke about being married for thirty plus years and divorcing her husband because she built so much resentment. She was upset at her mental load in the relationship, she was doing the primary parenting, just all of these things. She got so upset. They went their separate ways, they started dating other people, and she started to realize, oh my gosh, it was me. It was me, me stopping me from being able to show
up in that relationship. I was looking for him to grant me permission to do these things that I could have been doing. So sometimes taking some space away from a situation, we can see maybe this person isn't really hold to be back now. They are providing some discomfort in the environment, but I can still be myself. It may not be comfortable for them, they may not like some things, but that doesn't mean that I can't do
those things. So, whether you are in a marriage with him, you are in a co parenting relationship, you will have to show up as yourself, so some of your work will be figuring out how to be yourself with a difficult person. He may be unwilling to make that easier for you, but it's what you have to do. You need to hear this. Some people will not create an environment for us to be ourselves, and we still need
to be ourselves. You need to hear this. Is an iHeart production hosted by me Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joel Barnique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time.