Recover Real Potential

friendship breakup, friendship communication. And so today we will be digging into having tough conversations in friendships, placing boundaries in friendships and when to decide if this is a friendship that you need to hang on to or release. There's something I once read that said, if a friendship gets to seven years, then you've done an amazing job and it's probably a long term friendship. But most of our friendships don't make it that long. Friends come in cycles,

you know. We meet people in a certain stage of parenting that we may be in, or we may meet friends at a particular job and when we leave that job, we lose them. We meet friends where we're in a particular activity. We meet friends who are our neighbors. We meet people in seasons and sometimes those relationships don't transfer

to that next season. It can be really challenging, particularly when you like a person right like just because our friendship and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's nothing wrong with me. But we're in a different place now. You know, the person you used to know is no longer. They are the things we used to be able to do. They're not fun to me anymore, maybe not fun to you. It doesn't mean that there's

anything in particular wrong with either of us. Also, a thing we need to remember about friendships is sometimes we can pall and go back to it and it's even richer, it's better. But we have to allow that space to exist for us to figure out what the friendship is or what it isn't. So let's start today's call.

is someone she's close with. It all compared to our relationship, as she refers to me as her sister. The only time that they spent time with one another was if I was around. At the top of twenty twenty two, I ended the situationship that turned into a romantic relationship. Fortunately, my dealings with this person did not end because of

our unhealthy cycle we continued throughout the years. This relationship was a codependent one and he was emotionally unavailable, but would continue to string me along and I would follow, hoping for change. By December of twenty twenty two, I made the decision to end things with my ex. At the time, I told them that I thought it was best that we went our separate ways and that in the future maybe we could be friends, but needed time.

What prompted me to separate myself from my ex was me learning about my own unhealthy contributions to the relationship, and while I actually allowed myself to process all that happened throughout the years between us, I decided that being friends with this person wasn't something that was possible I chose not to communicate this to my ex because there's been multiple times throughout a relationship that they and I have violated boundaries, and I just felt that if I

attempted to communicate with this person, they would find a way to manipulate me emotionally and I would concede to being in contact with them, even though I knew it wasn't in my best interest. Shortly after that, I reconnec did with an old friend and someone who I dated in my twenties, and long story short, we are now together. I explain all this because my friend that I am estranged with has been witnessed to everything that I endured

with this person throughout the years. This friend also knows my current partner. After making the decision to have no contact with my ex, I found out that they had been attempting to communicate with mutuals in an effort to try and find out information regarding me or talk to me to them. When I got wind of it, I asked all of them, if this person brings me up in conversation, please do not divulge any of my business

to them, nor engage in conversation. This one friend was the only person that gave me a long winded response as to why they wouldn't do anything like that instead of simply saying that they understood. Fast forward and my ex indeed reached out to her and brought me up which she told me about. From that conversation, I revealed other reasons why I chose no contact with my ex and why I didn't want to be friends with them.

I also was clear in stating that I was okay that they continued their relationship with each other, but that I I did not want to be included or hear anything about this person unless it was something being said about me. I now realized that I needed to know nothing of what was being said about me by my ex, But at the time I knew that he is a notion. It sometimes turned stories to make him appear to be a victim in scenarios, and I didn't want him lying on me to my friends.

We have to think about how they've already tried to talk to us, how we might not be the easiest person to talk to. And that's what I'm hearing in this letter. That you're choosing to communicate with your ex in a certain way because you don't want them to emotionally manipulate you, because you don't feel strong enough yet

to resist it. That's really big, and I want us to have some grace with ourselves and grace with others around the fear of going back to bad situations and the need to stay away from them by cutting off communication. That if I talk to you, you're gonna do what you do, You're going to use your magic, You're gonna pull me right back in, and then I'm gonna be

in this cycle of relationship drama. I don't want that, so I am choosing not to communicate that ghosting when you're aware, is it ghosting when someone knows what the reason is, I don't think so, you know, for people who like to live in the victimhood of I don't know why they're not talking to me, they typically have some reason why that they don't want to address, or they may be thinking that reason is really not big enough to not talk to me. So I know your reason,

but I do not accept it. And so your ex continuously trying to talk to your friend and figure out, you know, what's going on with you, what's going on with the situation. It is a way to exert some control even when you're no longer in that relationship with them. So in some way they're still manipulating. And the good thing here is you recognize it. One thing about communication. When we say something, let's not police ourselves or others

about the medium in which it's spoken. Sometimes people are, oh, you should say it verbally. You can't text that. You know, we live in a society where people are getting hired by email, fired by email, video chatted for this. Whatever way you feel comfortable speaking to someone or not speaking to them, I think it's communication. If it's available for

you to communicate, you can communicate that way. So that manipulation piece that really stuck out to me in the acknowledgment that I do not have the mental strength to speak to this person and that's why I'm not doing it. Please respect that I'm hearing you be very clear with your friend around your boundaries of hearing certain communication about your ex. You're not saying, hey, you can't even have relationship with my ex. You're saying, hey, if you have

this relationship, I prefer not to hear about it. Please don't say anything to me. I'm wondering here. We know that the ex is manipulating, but could it be that the ex is manipulating your friend into thinking that these conversations are needed. Could it be that your friend is actually manipulating you to get back into this relationship with

your ex for their own benefit. I don't know, but manipulation can be really strong, and so if we've been manipulated by a person, chances are they're manipulating other people in this relationship system. So when a person is able to go to these other people and say, oh, my gosh, can you believe so and so did this to me, and the other people are like, oh, I can't believe they did that to you. But they know you, they know your kind, and they're shocked. They are all so

in this cycle of manipulation. So yes, you place the boundary, but it doesn't mean that this person understands the situation as deeply as you do. The relationship is different. You have romantic interactions with this person, they do not. They're stepping in in the friendship space, so that might be different for them. After our break, we will get back to the caller's letter and let's listen.

me to the er. A week before I was to see my friend and her now husband, I was asked to be a part of their union and also document it for them. However, my health did not allow me to be present. After my visit to the emergency room. I informed her that I wouldn't be able to make it due to my doctor only being available at the same time I was supposed to be present for the festivities.

After being sent the information for the events to take place that weekend, I responded with my regrets of not being there, to which I was told that she was thinking of inviting my ex in my absence. At first, I was in shock because again my ex has been known to have tried to pinch information about me, and now that I'm not present to something I would naturally be there for, they would invite him into information that

isn't any of his business, whether stated or not. I expressed to my friend that I was not sure what to do with this information, as before I had mentioned that I didn't want my ex brought up to me. Her response was to do nothing but receive the information, to which I expressed that while I appreciate her communicating with me about her choices, I just was not interested

in hearing anything whatsoever about this person. I informed her that I wanted to be left out of the friendship and that if she wanted to be friends with this person, it was her business and none of mine. I did not respond emotionally or reactive. However, I was direct because

I wanted to be clear. Looking back, though, I was hurt and realized that I actually did have issues with their friendship, but did not communicate this as this was something I fully realized after sitting with what she said to me through this time. Because I wasn't there physically, I sent flowers to them. I didn't write my name on them. I blame my medicated brain, but I also felt that like the message on the card made it clear that they were for me, and also their ceremony

was not something known to many people. I was met with the silent treatment. Weeks went by and I heard nothing from my friends, not even to check on me to see how my health was. This is unusual behavior, because even with the many things that we have going on in our individual lives, she and I still keep in contact with each other, if only it is us sending pictures to one another.

at them, you don't want to hear about them. Well, this person is no longer a part of my life, and there is no other space where I would be constantly reminded of this person. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not following them or seeing them out, so to have these reminders it can almost be bringing the situation that happened in the relationship back up constantly. Right, are you

in disagreement with me wanting something healthier for myself? I wonder if people have a different perception of what the situation is or how it should have ended, and that's why they're bringing this stuff up, because they're like, wait, did you make the right choice? Well, here's the thing. It may not have been the right choice for them, but it is the right choice for you. So you have the autonomy to say, I no longer want to be in this relationship with this person, please stop bringing

them up. And you restated what you wanted please stop bringing this person up. And it's true. You know, maybe you say, hey, I don't care if you all have a friendship, it's really not a big deal, and then maybe you think about it and you're like, actually, I do care. Here's the thing. You could care and still do nothing about it. Right, They can still have their friendship, but you should not be a part of their friendship.

Your name should not be brought up. There are so many things that people can talk about outside of the relationship they have with you, or you at all, their only connection is you. Do they really have a connection if they have to constantly bring you up as a thing. I wonder if you're still really lingering in the relationship for them. And I know that's a part of it that you can't control, but perhaps there is some conversation that could be had around that, like what is your

connection to this person? Because if you have to bring me up, if you have to pull me into the mix of this, the relationship that you have with them is not independent of me. And it sounds like we need to be a group in order for you to have a relationship, and I am out the group. So do you even have a relationship with this person or is it just you know, this three person party that we always have to have. I am no longer in that group. I hear you saying it, I hear you

responding behaviorally to it. And you can't control if they have that relationship, but you can certainly be upset about it. I'm in it. It does hurt when you end a relationship with one person and people choose to stand the relationship with them. I think that happens sometimes when we terminate romantic relationships, when we get a divorce, when we

end friendships, when we're in friend groups. That is also what makes it really hard to leave those things, because you know the other people have this relationship, but in a healthy way, they can continue those relationships without you being a part of it. There are many things that they may have in common and may enjoy that have nothing to do with you. We're going to keep listening. After our next break.

speaking verbally seemed best. We haven't spoken over the phone yet. I've had some changes in my health and also experienced some deaths. Additionally, I am hurt that I'm seemingly the only one in the dynamic willing to initiate dialogue, and all the while, she hasn't checked on me at all since I told her about my health. After mentioning talking on the phone, she sent me photos from their wedding that my ex took, which felt like even a further

slap in the face. I'm not exactly sure how are im supposed to move forward As she's reached out to talk to me about her child. I'm the godmother and he was sick, and to me it felt emotionally manipulative because she knows how I feel about children. I'm not sure if what I explained makes sense, but I would like some insight. Thank you.

That's a way. Is it possible to say, hey, is this person going to be at this thing? Okay, well I will choose not to come because I don't want to be in that space with this person. I think so. I think there are many ways to address this because it sounds like you want to keep this relationship, and if you decide to do this with this person, that might be a part of it. They may always bring this thing up, so you know the story I told you earlier, that person continued to bring it up, and

I just you know, I'd use some different tactics. I would change the subject. I would say, hey, I told you don't want to hear about it. I would get more assertive with my boundary because it was very clear it was restated. But I think when people are pushing back. They're saying, I don't respect what you're asking me. I don't respect what you say. You can decide, you know, if I want to be in this relationship, how do I show up with this person exhibiting this behavior of

ignoring what I'm asking them? Or you could decide, you know, this is such a big thing. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with a person who does this, that is your choice. I do wonder. You know, you met this friend in twenty nineteen, and it sounds like it was this pal group, and you know things were going well until they weren't. What are you trying to recover here with this friend? What sort of things are you trying to get from this situation

with this person? Is this person even your friend type anymore? Because sometimes when we have friendships, we're in them for so long that we're changing, we're changing, we're changing, and next thing you know, this person isn't even your friend type anymore. At this stage, at this age, the things that you like to do, they are completely different than who you were five years ago, or you know, ten years ago when you met this person, even four years ago.

So is this person the type of person if you met them today, you would be in a relationship with this person all of the things that they're exhibiting if you met them today, would this be your friend? Would this be a person that you want to be in community with, or is this someone that you would have

some sort of associate level relationship. There are some friendships that are not as close as other friendships, and in those cases, maybe this is one of those situations where the closeness that you used to share it's not necessarily there anymore. And this is a relationship that you know, you speak on occasion, it may not be what it once was. Can it transform? Can it be something different?

Perhaps you should allow it because right now what I see is this resistance and pushing for something that there is no room to have in this friendship. If you were to accept everything that's being offered, what would look different in this friendship? What would look different with how you engage with this person? You need to hear this. When we are thinking about going back to relationships that have had some challenges or repairing relationships, our biggest question

should be what are we trying to recover? What's there, what's less? What can be sometimes we are more hopeful than we are realistic. There is nothing there that would keep us in this relationship. If we showed up to it today, maybe the past situations would draw us back in. But if I showed up today as this situation is,

would I choose this? That's a really important question to ask yourself when you're thinking about recovering and repairing some of these connections that might need to be accepted as they are. You need to hear this is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joe L. Baldique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to hear

this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time.