Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover to WIB and you need to hear this. In today's call, we are talking about unsolicited comments or feedback. I have a lot to say about this. The first thing is we have to be mindful of how we invite people in. Sometimes just talking to a certain person about a topic is an entrance for them to provide feedback. It could be as simple as I bought a purple house. A purple house, Oh I don't like the color purple. Listen, we can
just sit here together and stare at walls. Maybe I don't share things because I don't want to hear what you have to say about it. We know who those people are in our lives. We have to figure out, like what things can we say to particular people and
what things we just don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about real estate with you, because then it goes down this path of whatever I don't want to talk about, you know, things about shopping or my body in front of you, because then these sort of comments come out. So figuring out our people can
be really helpful. There is a part of us that feels like, well, guess what I should be able to talk about whatever I want to with my mom, with my brother, with my you know, we'll put that role there, like whoever that person is, and it's like, well, you can't, you cannot. There are some people it's like, y'all only really need to talk about weather, like which weather app are you using? Are you using the weather dot com?
Or are you using what comes on the That's all we can talk about because if we talk about anything else, it doesn't.
Go very well.
You know who those folks are in your life, and sometimes we don't really honor that. We want to give them this information and we want them to show up differently as if they've learned any new skills. They are the same. And when we can accept that and really
honor that, we can protect ourselves a lot better. I am thinking of a situation where I used to tell someone something right, I would tell them this stuff, and I'm like, oh, this person would never tell Well, they told everyone, right, And so it got to the point where I try this, hey, don't tell anybody, and then they only told a few people, and I said, silly, goose, stop telling them.
They can't.
And you know what, this person is so nice they are a very kind, sweet but can't keep a secret, not as they flaw. They can't keep a secret. They can make a macaroni, but they cannot keep a secret. I can have an expectation all day, you need to keep a secret. They can't. So guess what I don't do. I don't share any secrets with this person, anything that somebody could find out on the internet. That's what I'm
gonna say. Book coming out tomorrow, I dare not tell them when I'm writing one, because everybody would know.
You would know, you know.
So I think it's one of those things where it's like we have to know our people and we learn by trial and error, right, Like we learn like Okay, I said this thing, I did this thing. This happened, and it's like we're a scientist in relationships, right like okay, so I did this thing. I'll try this next time,
and we'll see. I do this with my recipes. Whenever I bake something, I like to write it down one because I want things to taste the same and I want to make sure I'm putting the same ingredients in it, and I will make notes at the bottom. I'll put on like you know, on twelve twelve, twenty twenty three, I added pea cons instead of walnuts, right, Like, I just want to know what's different, and with our relationships,
we have to do that too. So you know, the last time I told them this or the last time I said this thing, this was the reaction.
So what can I do differently?
Maybe I share, you know, some part of something with them and I say, hey, you know, before I say this, please don't give me any feedback. I'm just venting, Like, what am I going to do differently so the inter action can be different, because if I'm doing the same thing, it's going to be the same result each time. I will be disappointed, I will be frustrated. I will be mad at this person because they are just being themselves on a different day and it's hurting my feelings. Let's
get into this letter. I'm excited about this one. Let's go.
I've been trying to navigate the relationship with my mom for years now, and I don't know where else to turn. I took her to family counseling with me about three years ago in the hopes of communicating my feelings about hurtful things she had done in my childhood. Has set in boundaries with the all of having a healthier relationship. Initially, the main problems were that I felt she made everything in my life about her now her feelings on the topic.
I wanted to set boundaries such as, don't talk badly about my dad to me, please stop commenting on my style choices, and please stop giving unsolicited feedback on everything I share with you.
Therety is everything I share with you. I heard it.
I started there right, everything I share with you. So there are things that you were giving this person to have feedback about.
There. There are some people who just can't not give feedback. They just can't. I mean, you could put an incense in their face. Oh that incense.
So they just have to say something. Perhaps this is the case, you know, with her speaking badly about your dad to you. When she starts to do it, what do you do I know of some folks. I have an uncle in particular, he just watches all the news, is all the local world, the paper, all of them, and he loves to report the most tragic things.
And I believe the.
World is a both good and bad place, and lots of things are happening in the world, and I don't absolutely need to know everything that's happening every day, all day. And he will start some of our conversations with ooh, did you say I did not? I did not because I don't watch the news. Yeah you said, I don't. What did you have for breakfast? Because what we will not talk about is the news. I don't need to know all of the tragedy that exists in the world.
I wouldn't be able to walk in my house. I'm protecting myself from some anxiety. That's not for everybody, but I know me. And so when these conversations start, you know, that's what he talks about with people, truly, you know, I think everybody he talks to it's like he's talking about you know, that's a convert that's the house, the weather, It's like, this is the news.
I don't want you to speak that way with me.
So when you start down that path of death and this and garbage, and we can talk about a lot of things, that's not going to be it. I could think of two thousand and seven other things to talk about, but that's not going to be one of them.
It's top of the.
Morning, not how I want to start my day. So here are some things that we could talk about. So I wonder with your mom, anyone who's listening with this person in your life who pushes an agenda with conversations, make a list of things you could talk about with this person. They are very good at talking about, you know, maybe work issues. They are very good at helping you pick paint colors. They are very good about helping you to perfect your potato salad. You know, like what things
do you you speak about together? That typically is non confrontational and goes well when they start to bring up these topics like oh, my gosh, your dad he's a terrible Hey, hey, hey, that is something that I've asked you before. Please don't talk about that. I understand that you want to vent. I think you should talk to Margaret, your best friend, about that. I think you should maybe find your therapist. But as your daughter, that's a very tough topic for me to hear about. I don't want
to talk about that. Is there something else we could talk about? I know that sounds really fine. I know some of you are like, oh, I couldn't say that to my mama, but you've already told her. Please don't talk about my dad. I mean, how do you say it the second time? How do you say it the third time? All of those times should sound a little different. I don't know if you've ever seen a teacher in action,
but they're like, clap once. If you hear my hands clap twise, you know, it gets a little something to it. And they're not yelling, but they certainly may project a little bit more so that a person can hear them and understand, because the ultimate goal here is to not have conversations about your dad style choices. Again, it's the restate in that boundary. Hey, I understand that you don't like the color pink, and you may not have to wear it, but it's a color that I love. Please
don't make any more comments. What we typically do when people say stuff that we don't like and we've told them one time or two times, it three times not to do it. The fifth time that they say it, we let it slide. The sixth time they say it, we let it slide. It'll get all the way back up to fifteen, and then we're like raw, and then you know, sixteen they won't do it. You know, we'll say something, seventeen, will say something eighteen through thirty.
Two, we've said nothing. It can really.
Work out better for us if each and every time time we say something back to them, because they're not going to stop saying it. It's almost like a reprogramming, right, Like, how do I teach you is not okay to talk about my style choices? How do I teach you that there are some topics that actually make me more depressed than anxious? How do I teach you that I'm trying to have a relationship with my father and hearing certain things is not helpful. Some of that is us protecting
our boundaries with this person. I'm sure we'll get to the point in this where you know the person is not listening, to the point where you know you're tired of talking about it, and we'll talk a little bit about that. Let's go to break and when we come back, we will get back to the letter. All right, we're back, Let's listen.
The therapy ended after a couple of sessions, and I don't believe she ever really hurt me. Between then and now Ebbed and Flowed, we have been pretty low contact, and after one of my more recent visits with her, I've been considering estrangement. When I do see her, I find that my wall comes up and I get defensive. I find that I don't want to share about my life with her because her experience, I've come to believe that she is not capable of showing up in the
way I need her to. She is consistently negative about anything that I get excited about, like graduating law school or going to Europe. I've asked her to be more positive and support me and what I'm excited about, and her response is that it's her job as a parent to say the hard things. It seems as though she always has to tell me why what I'm doing is not how she would be doing it. She believes that she has a right to share her opinion about my
life with me, even when I don't want it. I see that my inability or unwillingness to talk to her about my personal life hurts her feelings, and I have feelings of guilt that I've ruined our relationship. She says that she doesn't know how to speak to me. My boundaries are too rigid. I find myself feeling resentful towards her for consistent patterns of an inability to have healthy conversations with me and hear what I have been trying to communicate.
Boundaries will always be highly rigid to a person who doesn't want to listen to them, right, it's like, oh my gosh, I can't understand what you're saying. Do you hear the static? You know, some people just don't want to listen to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are parents, they are you know, significant others, they are family members, and it's you know, it's really sad and unfortunate, and there is a way for you to you know, it goes back to what I said at the top of
the hour. There's a way for you to be in this relationship and maybe not share as much sharing good news with someone who's going to have a lackluster response. That's self harm. Sharing all of this wonderful information with someone who's going to question you out of your perspective or cause you to change your mind.
No, there are.
Ways that you know, you can be supported in this stuff. But it may not be by your mom, who is saying I don't get it. Why can't I say whatever I want to say. Some people truly believe that that because I have this role in your life as a parent, I can say whatever I want to say.
Your mother is stating her belief.
Like your belief is no, I should be able to you know, have these healthy boundaries, and your mother is like, no, you shouldn't. That's tough, and I wonder if you could just sit with that, right, like, there may not be space in this relationship to get her to change. Is there a room in this relationship for you to do some things differently with her? Yeah, yeah, it would be. I don't even know if we would call these boundaries.
If people just listen to whatever we said the first time, or if they just understood like, yeah, that's not how you talk to people, we wouldn't even need boundaries. We need them because it's not happening for some of us. There are some things that we want improved in our relationships. So with your mom, you know, I'm hearing a few things. One is you're sharing things with the expectation that she
will respond differently. So right there, I think you can share when you're ready for her response, or you could maybe not share. You know, when she talks about certain topics with you that make you uncomfortable, I think you can address it and just say that, like, I'm really uncomfortable with you talking about this, please don't do it. Or you could say, hey, mom, we've talked about that, and because we've talked about it, I'm now going to
change the subject. Your mom's saying things like I don't understand, I don't even know how to talk to you. Well, you've told her. She doesn't want to do it. She wants to be able to talk to you about anything that she wants to talk to you about. So yeah, she's gonna.
Say, oh, I don't know, I don't know what to do.
You know, it's like faux helplessness, like I don't know what to say here is like I just gave you the paper say this thing right here. She doesn't want to And that's really tough because our expectations sometimes of our parent is that they'll learn and they'll you know, parent us in this way that we want to be parented, and that is sometimes not true. People have their own agenda when they have children. You have some parents who say, you know, my kids must know five languages, my kids
must be involved in the arts. My kids will not do any arts. You know, like, parents have their own agenda. So getting your mother, even through therapy to parent in a different way. It might not be the best option because she doesn't want to when she's not ready. She's not seeing any errors in what she's doing. You said, Oh my gosh, I don't think she heard me. When I was, you know, talking to her in therapy. I think she heard you, just fine. She didn't listen. Listening
is application right, like following through. Oh I'm going to take that. I'm going to do something with it. She's not listening to you. She heard everything that was said. Now was she daydreaming when it was said? Maybe, but she heard it. That doesn't mean that she has to implement it. So she did hear you. It's just, you know, it could be I disagree with you. I think there's another way to do this. I want to do my
own thing. There are so many things that could be going on here, but the one thing that you can address is the way that you show up in the relationship. Sounds like like your mother is not yet ready to change, but you really really wanted to. Let's take a break and we'll be right back, and we're back, let's keep listening.
Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's me who's the problem for shutting down many topics of conversation with her, or if it is a reasonable response to her inability to listen and support How do I know if my boundaries are too rigid? How can we have a relationship when she wants to talk about everything and I only want to talk about topics that I know will not cause conflict. Can we have a relationship at all?
Maybe it depends on your mom's willingness to talk about
other topics. That uncle that I mentioned, he no longer brings up news stories and he will now start with you know, I've been trying to cut down on watching the news, which is really wonderful after years of mentioning, oh my gosh, like my anxiety is through the roof when you talk about these things like you know, it took him sort of me saying like I noticed a shift in my energy when at the top of the day I'm hearing about tragedy like it just it does
something to me. Now, maybe you could watch it and you could go on about your workday and file your papers or whatever you do at work. I can't now I'm stuck and it's eight am. This is not good for me, and so I think he started to notice like, wow, like I talk about this a lot with people, Like there's so many other things to talk about. But it did take some consistency on my part to say, ugh, can we talk about something else? I'm willing to talk
about other things? Just what could those things be outside of the things that you would normally go to in conversation? You know, I think about that sometimes when you know certain people are heavy on the gossip, and you know, it's like, Okay, well don't I don't want to talk about that person and their husband. But you know, there are other topics that I love to talk about, like what's you know, what's the appropriate heel length? If is it three inches or four? Like what feels good on
your foot? Like, I can think of tons of things to talk about and just shift that conversation to something else. So again, I encourage you to think of what can you talk about?
Make a must?
These are things I can talk about with my mom. These are topics that we're able to process without arguing. Here's a good space where she can listen. When I have good news, I will wait blank amount of days before I share it. Maybe you need to get a massage before you share it and watch two comedies and then let her know. You may be able to figure out some rhythm there, or you can decide, you know, this is a person I just don't want to talk to about anything or talking.
To it all.
You have options, but I do want you to know sometimes we can be in relationships with unchanged people because we've changed. I no longer have the expectation that you're going to have anything hopeful or you know, inviting to say when I tell you this. I no longer have the expectation that you won't talk about my father.
I no longer have.
The expectation that you should like my style. I've changed my expectations of you. And you know, a thing about style. Style is so particular and personal. And even when I'm shopping in the store, I'll look at the salesperson and they like, yeah, you should get this, and I.
Look at the outfit. I'm like, girl, I don't want to dress like you, you know.
So it's such a personal There may be certain colors, certain cuts, certain you know, fabrics where it's like not my thing, you know. So someone's saying like, oh, oh I don't like that shirt, Well what kind of shirts do they wear. Are those shirts that you even want to wear? I think about that. It's so personal. Now they don't have to share with you that they don't like your shirt. But you know, style is such a personal thing, and so sometimes when people are saying things,
it's really personal to them. And I get it. They feel like they have this perspective.
But you know, in my.
Head, I'm like, you're not Naomi Campbell, you know, like I'm not listening to you. But they I don't want to say thank you, but you know, even maybe saying hey, our style is different, you know, like sometimes the age gap with a mother and daughter, Like there's so many things there that you can say that my transition that conversation, I think about my children who are in mid drift showing era, and you.
Know what I think about it. I'm like, oh, my stomach would be so cold.
That's what I like.
A high ride.
I want my belly button cover at all time. This code out here, you know.
So these are the things I think about, and they're like, yes, belly out.
You know, like it's not that they need to dress like me. I need to dress like them. There are some things I just need to be quiet about and some of us don't know that. Some of us have not mastered the power of quiet. Some of us have not mastered Your.
Opinion doesn't matter.
We are still a work in progress, or we're not even working. How about that some of us are on break from any healing, and it's prolonged, it's always under construction, forever and ever. We haven't started. Some of us are not doing any work, and we're not doing any work, and we're in these you know, relationships with folks like you, who I'm sure has you know, followed me on Instagram, read my book, you listen to this podcast. You are healing,
You are on a journey. You know the boundaries of parents and child and what parents shouldn't talk about with children. You know that it's not okay for you to comment on people's fashion and body and all of this stuff. Your mother, she may not know that. I don't know if she follows me on Instagram. I don't know if she read the books. I don't know if she listened to the podcast.
And if she did, you know what she may say when she look at those videos.
Look at that girl hand gesture, She's silly, you know, like, who knows? So what someone else is getting from something. But our healing is our healing, and somebody else is not healing, lack of growth, stuck this that's their stuff. And one thing that many of us do not have time for is to do anybody else's work. I can't even do all the work I'm supposed to do, not in the day and probably not in a lifetime, so I certainly cannot help another and do their work.
I would fail daily here. Okay, so here's all the work you have to and put a over there.
No, m m no, we don't have that level of time. What we can do is our stuff. And when we're reading these books, going to therapy, listening to podcasts, we are hopefully learning how to exist in the world with people who are doing none of that with a level of compassion that says, look how much they're hurting. They don't even see how they're showing up instead of oh they need a change, like me, I hear a lot
of steps in between. You know, it's this work is hard, you know, it's it's really hard, And sometimes I understand why people don't do it at all, because I'd be like, I do not want to feel anything. I don't I do not want to feel these feelings. I would rather not today. So even uncovering this stuff, recognizing that there were some judgment errors in your parenting, that's a lot. That's a lot. You need to hear this. You may be the only person in your relationship doing the work.
And what is the work. The work could be, you know, unraveling some of the things that you were taught that are no longer helpful, learning how to exist in relationships with people in a boundaried and healthy way. You may be the only person doing that, so do not be shocked when you encounter people who are not open to the work and who are not open to change. You need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by mend your Glover to Why. Our executive producer is Joel Bonique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time