Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Needrick Glover to wib and you need to hear this. I remember my grandmother past gosh. I must have been in fourth grade, and her loss in the family created so many shifts and relationships. It's often alarming how much someone is the glue and we not know it. Before that grandmother passed. That was, you know, my mom's mom. My father's mom died a few years before that. And I hear people saying how much things
were never the same. These relationships were almost maintained or buffered by this other person being there. I have a really funny memory, We'll not funny, but a really interesting memory around this time. So my family is from Tuskegee, Alabama, and when my grandmother passed, we went from Detroit to tusky Yee, Alabama for her funeral service, and my grandfather was there. And I swear to you, mind you, I'm like in fourth grade. It felt like the first time
meeting my grandfather. I don't even remember him before this point. Now you're talking about a person who spent summers in Alabama, whose grandparents would come visit. But it was like I had no recollection of his personality. Because my grandmother was this figure that really owned the space, the person that I had like this relationship with, and when she left, it was like, oh my gosh, like there's someone else
who lives here. How didn't I notice this? I mean, it seems so weird to be able to have such a powerful figure in our life and our families that when this person passes away, we start to, you know, maybe notice other relationships or even pull away from those relationships because they created like this buffering effect, or they brought everyone together. They help minimize or you know, whatever
that thing is. And I would say that many many years later, my family feels the impact of my grandmother's you know, on my father's side, and a grandmother on my mother's side not being in those families because the relationships were impacted in a way that the people who were left behind we just haven't been able to recover. We didn't have the tools, we didn't have the skills. And so, you know, in some ways, how wonderful, you know, to have that person who had this this spirit, who
was able to be a connector. But also how sad that we no longer have that force in our lives to be able to make sense of these other relationships for us. Now, this story didn't come out of the blue. In today's letter, we will be talking to a caller who is experiencing the loss of their father and still in relationship with their mother. And as they're in this relationship, it's not like these problems are new, but you know, we start to notice people or notice them more because
this other person is absent. So you know, as I mentioned earlier, some people leave such a significant space that it really impacts those other relationships. So let's start listening to today's letter.
Dear missus Dewob, My father recently passed away less than one year ago. He did everything for my mother, who stayed at home for the entire course of their marriage. They were married for almost forty five years and my father managed everything in the household short of daily chores. He was sick for the extended period of time, and my mother bore the brunt dealing with my father's illness.
I am an only child, so since his passing, I have been helping as much as I can with helping her with technology and taking ownership of doing all the things, and have been intentional to call her every day and give her opportunities to participate in activities with me and my son. Even before my father got sick, my mother has always been judgmental and sort of limited in her worldview without getting too political, she is very left and
often makes comments about those with other viewpoints. She also, since I was a young girl, has said comments related to my body image and lifestyle that have been triggering, as this generation might call it. She routinely says things that really get under my skin. When my dad was around, I was able to limit my time with her and situations that involve a lot of sharing. Now that my father is gone, I find it hard to set boundaries
with her. I feel sort of guilty that I do not want to spend a lot of time with her. But at the same time, she routinely makes comments about my wait, household, or political comments that are hurtful or confrontational.
In our relationships with others, as we are doing what we think is required, we have to wonder is this even necessary? Have we been, you know, maybe directly or in some informal way, asks can you give me a call every day? Because you know, maybe we feel like that's what I should do. As the only child, that's what my mother's expectation is. But has that been stated. Is it actually a need for you to do that thing?
We can show up and be really healthy with others when we're doing so out of love and not out of obligation. So I just wonder what feels comfortable. Perhaps comfortable is talking every other day, talking once a week. But I tell you what, talking to people who, as you say, trigger you daily, that is going to cause a lot of mental and emotional issues. So is there a space for us to be in relationship with people? But maybe not as much as we think we have
to be. Maybe there's some room for choice. I was recently talking to someone who was, you know, sharing how much their parent complains about health issues and other family members and being unhappy. And at the end of it, I said, well, who calls who? And they said, well, I call them? And I said, you call a person to be complained to every day. It sounds like you have some choice in the matter. It's not hey, I'm not going to talk to this person because they're always complaining.
But you might not want to initiate a conversation where there's planning. It might look like, you know, maybe I'll just pull back a little bit. Maybe I'll shift the tone of the conversation by starting with a topic and not waiting for them to come in with their stuff. You know, sometimes asking a person how you're doing invites a certain type of conversation that might be a question that you want to shy away from. You know, even
asking your mother have you watched the news? That could be an invitation for her to talk about politics, saying things like, oh, my gosh, you know any any sort of thing it's it's so such and such outside. If you notice that these are like trigger phrases or scenarios where she really gets into and yes, so the president. You know, if she takes it back there with certain things, you may have to figure out some new things to talk about, so you're not inviting that sort of conversation
with your mom. What sort of things create the most minimal amount of conflict and conversation maybe make a little less when we talk about these things. This typically goes well. If I bring this up, she goes off on a path that is unbearable. So being clear about these are topics I can talk about, and these are topics that I need to shy away from could be very helpful when you're talking to a person who has like a
topic that they like to stick to. I hear you saying when my dad was around, I was able to limit my time with her and situations that involve a lot of sharing. You know, as I mentioned in the opening, it was amazing to me that I had not even noticed my grandfather. That's how much time I was spending
with my grandmother. And when I think really, really, really deeply about it, I do remember a figure before then, but it wasn't as clear as this person who I enjoyed spending time with, who you know, would pinch my little cheeks, who would give me extra little treats, and you know, all of these things like that was such a profound relationship that I was able to drown out
these other scenarios. So that does happen with us that we feel this you know, strong connection who we're able to sit in these situations with the other people around and kind of ignore them. And once this figure is removed from our life, it's like we have no choice but to recognize this other person, like, oh wait, you talk this much, this is what you talk about. It
can be very you know, jarring and shocking. So you know, it sounds like your mom is just able to be herself a bit more often because you don't have your father there to facilitate some of those conversations. Let's take a quick break and we'll listen when we get back.
For instance, the last time I was with her, she said, I would love to help you clean your house this summer, as I know it must be overwhelming to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. She also is very fortunate to not have to worry about money. My husband and I are the typical dual income household that, once
bills are paid, have no savings left. When I made a comment about how even groceries are expensive, she told me that maybe I could go to a food pantry once or twice a month, as they are open to everyone. That really made me upset. I suggested she begin volunteering to fill her time, and after one day volunteering in a pantry, this was her comment to me. She also brings up my ex husband and the bad choices I made. I should note I am now in a loving marriage
with an adorable, precious toddler. I must share that I work in two offices, and my husband works out of town five days a week and I have a four year old other than day. I have never had help, as my mother and father were not able or in some cases willing to assist me. I have envy of many of my mom friends who get a weekend off or have help on the weekend from their parents. If anything, having my mother around with my son is double the work.
She does not jump into help at all. She routinely says how bored she is, but when I suggest opportunities for her to do things with her grandson, she's never that bored.
When we have issues with a person, almost anything they say to us can be considered an annoying statement. I have found myself irritated by the smallest of things when there is already some issue with a person. I mean, it could be as do you have chapstick? It's like, are you saying my lips are chap Oh no, you're not, Like I can't believe you know. Your mind goes into
this space and sometimes people are being passive aggressive. Sometimes they're trying to make a mean comment, or they're actually trying to be helpful right by saying, have you considered going to a food pantry. You know, I know that they help people who are having some financial struggles. Right, have you maybe thought about this other thing, like, perhaps if it wasn't your mom, you would be able to
receive that information. Perhaps if you didn't have these challenges with her, you could hear that information and not be so offended. But because the relationship is already fragile, it's like even a belch could really throw this thing off.
So being clear that you know, maybe there are some challenges in the relationship that impact me being able to hear anything from this person, And there may also be space for you to talk to your mom about the spirit in what she says thing or the language she uses to describe things. I would love to help you clean your house this summer, as I know it must be overwhelming to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets.
You know, I think the problem in that sentence is the latter part of the sentence, right, I would love to help you clean your house this summer, as I know it must be overwhelming. Was enough to add to it to have a kitchen with stuff on the cabinets. That's the part that's like a little too much detail, so to be able to say to a person like, hey, I think I understand that you were going somewhere positive with this. You were trying to be helpful, you were
trying to think of a solution for me. But this is where it became offensive when you added these other words to that already complete sentence. You added some words that were really offensive. And if you want to be hopeful, perhaps there's a way to say it. Perhaps there is a spirit in whish to communicate that you're trying to be hopeful and not harmful. I want to sit with
this just a minute. You have identified that you're having some envy, and the envy is around having a mother who is present in your home but not present in that grandparenting relationship with your child. So if I just paint a picture there, she sees that you are alone for five days a week and you're parenting, and that you are trying to work and you're trying to parent, and that you're overwhelmed to the point of needing some assistance with your house. And when she comes to visit,
she's just sitting there. She has nothing to do. She can't think of a pillow to fluff, a laundry, to do, a meal, to cook, or anything else. She's just watching you sort of struggle with this. I hear a bit of sadness in there to not have that expectation met. But here you are in a situation where you're highly considering her needs to be in contact. You're, oh, my gosh, I have to call her every day because she's alone and she's sitting and watching you have needs and she's
unwilling to help. She's not jumping in to facilitate an easier parenting experience for you, even when you're suggesting it, Hey, here are some things you can do with your grandson. She's like, Nope, can't do that. That is challenging to watch as a parent because you're watching her impact that relationship with your grandchild, and you're also watching as she impacts the relationship with you. Because these are not things
that you will forget. It sounds like these are things that you're really adding to this scenario of you know, mom is offending me. Mom is always talking about this political stuff. Mom is not helpful. Mom? Is this? Mom? Is that? Mom? Is this? Mama? Is that? Have you taken a moment to be angry? You know, A really hard thing to realize sometimes is that it can be really hard for us to realize that we are sad. We are sad about the parent in which we don't have,
the parent that you have to do life with. As you watch your peers be in situations that sound more ideal, you're unable to even tap into that. There's no you know, it's one thing. If you're like, oh my gosh, this person they got a new car, and I can work really hard to get a similar car or better car, it's like, that's one thing. But when you're not able to get something like it, just it's not going to happen for you. It's not in the cards. It's not
possible with this parent. That's a whole another level of grief. I want to add this to your grief. I think you're grieving more than one thing. I think you're grieving the loss of your father, and I think you are grieving the type of parent that you think you deserve versus the one that you have to be in relationship with, someone who requires something that they don't offer, or requires a certain level of care from you that you are
not prepared to give. It can be really frustrating. So as I'm listening to this, and I know that you're you know, you're in this loving marriage and you have this adorable child. So I'm hearing that there is some happiness, there is some joy, there is some feeld met. But then on the other side, you have this relationship with your mom and you're still grieving the loss of your father.
I wonder if you, as an only child, if you have a space to talk through some of these things, to talk about your disappointments, to talk about how hard it is to watch your mother not be a good grandparent, how hard it is to have to help your mom because you're her only person. Now, there may be some free resources for this, because I don't want you to go down a path of you have to go to therapy or you have to pay for this other service.
I think there may be some resources in your area for caretakers, because that's what you are at this point. You're a caretaker. You're caring for your mom. Now, is your mom incapacitated, Is she not able to, you know, take care of herself. No, but you are doing what
a caretaker does. And so I wonder if there is is a group or a support system that you can tap into to help you have some support around this issue, because it's going to be very frustrating when the only person you could talk to about this is yourself or a bunch of people who really don't understand because they're
not in the same situation. As you mentioned, a lot of your mom friends, they're enjoying their weekends every once in a while, right, And so you are the person in this situation, and so I do wonder, you know, how do you find some support around this. If you can't find a group locally, there could be a Facebook group for this. There could be you know, maybe a person who you know is having this a similar situation, and those relationships don't have to all be about this,
but just being able from time to time. You don't want to create a trauma bi right, where all you talk about is oh and they did this, and oh and they did that. You don't want that. But from time to time it does help to have a person who can just hold space and listen to you share about this very challenging dynamic you're in now with that
grief support. You know, the situation with your mom might be a little unique, but there may be more people who've lost a parent who you can talk to about the things that you're grieving around the loss of your father and what that looks like day to day, and how you're having to show up with your mother in this new and different way. As you are moving through this relationship with your mom, you have to notice that you are now a caretaker of too. It's your four
year old and it's your mom. It sounds like like you're, you know, embracing your mom as this person that you're now there for in a way, and you have to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Caretakers need care. You cannot give what you are not giving to yourself. So, although there's this obligation to be in contact with her, war you may want to create some rituals to practice
before you call and tap into her energy. You may want to create some things to do after you're in contact with her, so that you're having some separation from those events and then back to yourself and then back to your toddler. You have a lot of caring that you're doing, and so you'll have to weave in some ways to really take care of yourself. Let's listen some more.
I'm also missing my father, and while feeling guilty about feeling resentful and hurt by my mother's many comments that have escalated since the passing of my father, her whole energy is anxious, sad, depressed, and I know she's going through tremendous grief, so boundary setting is tricky. Her energy dreams me completely and I dread interactions with her. Maybe I am depressed as well, but I know that when
someone is toxic, limiting time can be helpful. How do I handle supporting my mother but also deal with their negativity and rude comments? Thank you?
I typically don't have any tips on developing tougher skin for men behavior, and I get that a lot, like how do I accept this person saying these bad things about me? And it's like, you know, I don't know if we should be tough enough that we can withstand, you know, the punch of someone saying a mean thing. Instead, it can be really helpful, as you stated, to live in our contact. But also we have to let people know how they make us feel. And that might be
as simple as saying that was a mean comment. Wow, that really hurt my feelings. It would be helpful if when you saw me doing X, Y and Z, you stood up to help me. So even calling it to her attention can feel more relieving for you, even if she doesn't do anything about it. It's not all in your head. It's not I should have done I can't believe she did this. It's like I stood up for myself. She said this thing, and I set this thing back.
You know, when she said, oh, you need to go to a food bank, I had a corrective statement for her where I said, you know, although we may seem like you know, we could benefit from a food bank, we still make too much money to go there and
that resource is not for us. But you know, when you make comments like that, it certainly shows that you're trying to be helpful, but it's also very hurtful with the way that you're communicating this help right, So just letting her know in these moments what's sort of happening in your head with these situations, and maybe you know it takes a few hours or a few days for you to think about it and then come back to it and say like, oh, this is how I felt
about this thing. And it's okay to maybe say it later, but to say it because it sounds like you are in this grieving space together, and it's not okay to be mean to people. And so when people are being mean, it's quite okay to let them know you're being mean. That's not nice. That statement hurt my feelings. We shouldn't make excuses for them because they're anxious, sad or depressed. You know, people are always going through things, and that's not a reason to mistreat others. So even if that
is the case, you can let them know how you feel. Now, I will say that with depression, one of the signs that I don't think we talk about enough is anger. You know, there are lots of folks who when they experience depression, they do become more angry, They do get moody, they are a little more aggressive, they do make mean comments because they're sad. They're sad and they're frustrated and they feel powerless and they're hopeless. I get why they
do it. It doesn't make it okay. So even in a person's darkest moments, it's not okay for them to be mean to you, and I want us to stop making excuses for that by saying like, well, this person is going through X, and that's why they say Z. It's like yeah, but they can go through that and you know, maybe experience it in some other way and not impact the people who are actually trying to help them.
You need to hear this. When we are doing things in our relationships and we feel like I have to, I am obligated, I must we have to ask ourselves the question of is this the person's expectation or is this my expectation. If it's the other person's expectation, you could certainly level set and say something along the lines of, you know, I want to talk to you, but it might not be every day. And even bigger than that, you can just change your behavior. You cannot call this
person every single day. You can call them maybe every other day if that's what feels good, if that's a place where you can actually tolerate the conversation. When our expectation is I must do this thing, we have to wonder where does that come from? Is that coming from our culture? Is that coming from you know, maybe some hidden messaging that we receive. And if I have to do this, why does it make us feel so bad? Maybe that's an indication that we don't have to do it.
If we had to do it, would it feel this bad? Is there a different way that we could show up in these relifes relationships. There's a lot of people that we can love a whole lot and maybe not want to talk to them every day. We have to be mindful of how certain people in certain conversations impact us showing up in other spaces. If I talk to this person today and they're giving me this energy, how do
I show up with my four year old? If I talk to this person today and they're being mean and they make a comment and I'm crying the rest of the evening, how can I be in relationship with my husband and my friends? So those things matter too, that there is some impact on us from being mistreated. It's not like there's no impact and you feel okay. It's like you're experiencing something and you're taking that back into your life. So it would be wise to protect yourself
against the impact of someone being mean. You need to hear. This is an iHeart production. Host it by me Ndra Glover towob. Our executive producer is Joel Barnique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at you need to Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time.