Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadra Glover to wib and you need to hear this. When I was in grad school, I remember many exercises around what population would you have the most biased toward, which population would be hard to work with, what sort of things might come up, which I think was a really great exercise in helping you to challenge your beliefs about a particular group of people or a particular type of person. One of the things that typically came up for me was, oh, my gosh,
people who harm children. I could never work with them. And I will say that one of my early jobs was in fact doing that. And what I learned was a lot about people. I learned that despite you know, what people do, they have a story and it does not condone who they harm or what they do, but there is a story behind who people become or what they choose to do. The other thing that I was
challenged by is working with folks who have addictions. You know, in my family there were several family members with addictions, and I just thought, I am tired of this life. This is something that you know, I wasn't ready to address. And again I was put into you know, a role where I had to work with folks who had addictions, and again I learned, Wow, these people have a story. And one of the biggest things that I learned with addiction is it's not typically a chosen path for people.
It is a way of cold that has gotten out of hand. It is a condition of you know, tragedy and trying to manage it is sometimes partying gone too far. It is a way to mask pain. I mean, it's so many things outside of this person just wants to be drunk, or this person just wants to use this drug. In today's letter, and we will hear from someone who is challenged by their partner's alcohol use. I don't want to say abuse. I don't want to say addiction. I don't want to say misuse. We will unpack that as
we go on. Speaking of those terms, I think over the years, those terms have really shifted. I remember in childhood it was for me, you know, it's alcoholic, this person is an alcoholic or a drunk, right, and then it's shifted to subs's abuse issue now substance misuse issue. Much of that has to do with how we see people. If we see a person as only an alcoholic. We are dehumanizing them if we consider their whole story, we might say, you know, they're misusing alcohol, or maybe there
are some dependency issues there. Now, socially, we are not supposed to be diagnosing people, right, so when we have a loved one who has a challenge with alcohol, we're still not getting the whole picture. Even if we see them, you know, drinking a case of beer or having two pints of whatever. We don't know what they're doing secretly because there could be some secret behaviors happening. So we don't know often how severe someone's substance abuse issue is.
And our information of just stop it, don't do it anymore, just put it to the side, it's not very useful in the case of a person having a problem because we're giving them a remedy that we may be able to manage. Right Like, if you don't have a drinking problem, you had some issue where you just had to stop drinking, you could do it. But when someone has an issue
with the substance, that is not as easy. So let's get into today's call and we will go through this and take some breaks and digest some of this as we talk today. So let's get started. Hello.
One big issue in life I'm facing now is with my significant other, and I hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with this issue. So we're not legally married, but we have been together for twelve years now and have two children. So my issue is that I've always had an issue with his drinking.
When we first got together, we obviously did not have children, so we both did a lot of partying together, so I saw no problem, of course, But once I became pregnant and had my son, I did bring it to his attention that he just drank too much and all night and he should cut back. He ignored me to get some background. We are Mexicans, so there's a big machismo that men get to drink all night. It's like they wear it as a badge of honor. He's always had this belief that I was trying to control him.
Fast forwards twelve years later, and I feel things have gotten worse. He stopped going out to drink somewhat, but every Friday and sometimes Saturdays, he drinks at home in the garage until five or six in the morning. I brought it up and he said, I stop going out. I'm at home. What's the big deal? He sees no issue at all. More recently, I had an event and he was supposed to stay with the kids. I woke up at six thirty am to head out and he
was still up drinking. The kids did not want to stay with him, so I had to take them with me. When I bring up the issue, he says, Okay, then you can't go out anywhere. I don't agree with this because when I go out with my friends or family, it's only like once a month, and I have a couple of drinks. Socially, I head home early, like ten pm, and if I have my children, I don't drink at all. So that's like eighty percent of the time.
What happens when we change and the other person doesn't in relationships, you know, I think about friendships sometimes, like you know, in my twenties, I had a partying phase and some people stayed in that space longer than I was willing to. And you know what happens to those friendships, It's like you you grow apart. You you know, maybe you see them in a different way. What happens when we you know, maybe used to drink a lot and or drink more socially, and you know, we don't have
a desire for that thing. In some relationships, you know, it's something we can ship right when it's our partner and we see that they're having some problem drinking and it is a part of their cultural identity. Like in our culture, this is what men do. Just as you stated that he believes that as well. Who is he without this? Who is he within his culture? If this is a part of his identity, This is you know, learned behavior. In some ways, this is how a man acts.
I remember I was talking to a fella many years ago who was having some monogamy challenges. He you know, had several affairs, and we started talking about the men in his family and how this was a part of their culture and how he was almost pushed in some ways, like you know, to chase women to be in multiple relationships, and how if he wanted to be in one relationship, it would require that that he been some of those rules around that cultural identity, and that was, you know,
really tough. It's really tough to grieve being a part of this masculine group if that's what's involved, even if it's damaging it's like, but so I can't be with them if I'm going to be with you, and so I have to make this choice maybe to still be a part of the culture. What happens with alcohol is it's all around us in social settings. It is, you know, it's a part of the fabric. When you go out, when there's a celebration, there's champagne, when there is this,
there's beer, when there's that, there's shots. And so stepping away from that lifestyle when you have a problem with drinking can be challenging, and to do it without treatment, I think is an even bigger challenge because there are some some things outside of just the drinking that need to be remedied. You know, there are some thinking things that are happening, there are some behavioral things that are happening, and let's face it, there are a lot of behavioral cues.
You know, when we're watching someone with a substance issue, we may not be thinking about all of these things that may trigger them. I was talking to someone who was visiting my home in their smoker. I don't allow smoking in my home, and you know, I offered them coffee. They have coffee, and they just had a moment to pause, and I said, oh, what's going on. Usually when I
have my coffee, I have a cigarette. You know, that's not something that I have to think about, right, Like I don't smoke cigarettes, and so I'm not thinking about all of these cues. The cues could be the time, The ques could be sports, the cues could be certain friends, the cues could be you know when you feel a certain thing. Those things are all around. So again the
hay just cut back. It is multifaceted, and so the remedy is not just cutting back, but also getting to the core, also identifying some of those cultural challenges, also working through how to manage your feelings without alcohol. You know, when you get to the point of drinking from evening to five or six in the morning, you may need more support than you think. And I know some of it. Oh I could just quit if I want to, you
would have. You would have, And so doing it without support sometimes for people who have challenges with drinking, it's not going to be easy. I didn't say it was impossible. I'm saying it won't be easy because there are so many dynamics around you that are encouraging some of this drinking lifestyle. As we're talking today, I am just looking at my book, which I think is a wonderful book. If you are in a relationship with a family member who has an addiction of any sort, it is the
Complete Family Guide to Addiction. I think this book is really good because it really talks about what is addiction, what causes it, how do we help our loved ones with it, how do we better understand how to be helpful? And sometimes what we're doing, you know, maybe modeling not drinking or saying hey, look at me, just cut back, it's not as helpful as we may think, and so they may need some support outside of us, and we'll talk more about, you know, some of the supports that
are possible. Let's keep listening.
I honestly told him, why not cut back? Two fridays a month. I have tried to sit outside and hang out with him, just to see if he'd cut the night short. But he has admitted that he doesn't know when to stop. Once he feels buzzed. I feel like I sound like a broken record. He makes me feel like I'm asking for too much. It also drives me crazy because it's like I have to turn off my give a shit switch, and once that happens, I start
doing my own thing. Mind you, my children are always with me, because God forbid, he takes care of his kids. Oh but once he sees I'm not home all the time, it becomes an issue and accuses me of never being home. My response to this is, why do you want me at home just sitting around doing nothing? Well, you get drunk outside now. I do movie nights with the kids, and he sat with us twice. I don't want to sit outside and get drunk all the time. It's crazy
that's the only way he'll spend time with me. Some women have told me, well, he's a good man, he works hard, and at least he's at home. But I'm tired of feeling this way. I just cannot convince myself long enough to be okay with it. I've thought about talking to his mother, but I feel like she enables him because she talks to him on the phone until three am. I feel like she should tell him to go to bed and call it a night. I've brought
up his health. She doesn't drink all week, but I tell him, what you don't drink during the week, you may get up on the weekend.
So I hear that he's trying to practice some boundaries around this. So what he's now doing is a bit of bench drinking, which can still, like you said, it's still problematic because although you're you know, you're cutting it off for these days, you're getting back to it during
a certain time period. I once read something that beinge drinking can be a little more challenging and dangerous for people sometimes because that's when you know, you start to experience more blackouts and you know, just drinking related accidents and this sort of thing because you've been like trying to manage it and then you like full throttle, right.
So I know when a person has a drinking challenge that that is one way to you know, maybe be able to show themselves like, look, I have control over this Monday through Thursday, I'm not doing it. But then Friday, Saturday, Sunday there's a lot of drinking activities. So you know, in some ways that could be just as problematic as a person doing it all week. And as impactful. As we talk about this, I wonder, you know, not just about you, but also your children.
There is.
Significant information on what children in families who have you know, a parent with a drinking problem, what they experience as a result of witnessing this. You know, there is some portion of addiction being hereditary or you know, something that is mimicked in families and becomes a cycle in our family. You know, a part of that is the observation of it. We are learning, you know, just as it is culturally. We are learning learning how to manage our problems. We
are learning how to exist. We are learning what we do when we sit in the garage, we are learning what we may go to when we're having a difficult moment. So there's a lot of you know, absorption going on. And also I would be concerned about how does this impact your ability to parent if this is at the forefront of your mind, if your concern is not just keeping your kids safe, but also making sure they're not exposed to this, like that is a lot happening for you.
And with that, I want to say, you know, when someone has a drinking problem, it is said that addiction is a family disease. What does that mean every single person, whether they are responding to it or not, whether they have some outward show a feeling, they have some experience with the drinking person have some impact from the drinking in that home. So it is your partner, it is your two children, and it is you, probably other family
members and friends. Everyone is impacted. So for you, you know, I think it would be helpful to maybe look into a support group. You know, a really popular one is alan On. They have resources online. You know, they have some podcasts that are really helpful. There are you know, workbooks. Some other resources that might be helpful for you is the Recovery Dharma and then Smart Recovery. These are programs that are for people who are trying to troubleshoot some
of their drinking and addiction issues. But they also have resources for family members. It's really important to not just place your partner as the problem, like he is the only problem person in this house. Well, you have a problem with his problem, for you are problemed. The children have a problem with his problem, Therefore they are a problem. Like everybody is being impacted by this problem, Therefore everyone involved may need some recovery. We're gonna go to break and we'll be right back.
I also hear him always talk with his friends that say things like my girl doesn't tell me not to drink makes me feel like an idiot, or will say your girl doesn't let you do anything like pumping his chest. When I bring this to his attention, he says, oh, it's because they want to make fun of me. Or he talks to me about his friends that don't hang out because the wife won't let him. I tell him, well, maybe he would just rather be present with his wife.
There's nothing wrong with that. He'll just dismiss me and say it's because he allows her to tell him what to do. This type of talk disgusts me and makes me hate men.
I'm hearing some cultural challenges here, and it may be a part of your culture to have some of these common issues with your friends, with your mom, with his mom, where there is normalizing around some pretty unhealthy behavior. So yeah, someone else's girlfriend may say, oh, yeah, I don't have a problem with your drinking. I don't know what she's talking about. She may be, you know, so ingrained in that culture of this is how it should be. That maybe it's not a problem for her, it's a problem
for you, and that's okay. You know, we are our own independent culture. In my culture, this is not okay, And I'm a part of the Mexican culture as well, and that is okay behavior. But for me personally, within my own being, this is something that I don't want to be a part of my family fabric. Right. So I understand that we operate in this greater culture of something, but in our household there is a culture within us, there is a culture. So what is my independent culture?
What is my family culture? What is my ethnicity? You know, like there are different cultures that we're operating in, and so yeah, from your ethnic culture, it sounds like, you know, some of this, unfortunately is normalized, and I think in many cultures there are some things that are not good for us mentally and physically that might be normalized, but they're still not good things. And so talking to those people who are like, yeah, this is how it is,
it's like, that's not very helpful. It needs to change, it needs to be different. You know, we do not need to exist in a pattern of this person doesn't have to be present because they're engaged in this behavior. It sounds like you're wanting something different for your family that maybe these other people don't want. And that's okay. It doesn't mean that you need to go on a crusade of convincing everybody in your culture to shift. Right now, we just need to shift you. We need to shift
your household, not everyone else. And so you know, part of this is really reconciling that this might be okay for some of the people in your culture and it not be okay for you. The line that really stuck out with me here is this type of talk discussed me and makes me hate men, all of them. Oh, you know, not all men think alike. Not all men
think alike. And that's something we have to remember, even if it's ten that we know there is one person who works at the grocery store near us who is so nice and kind and not like these other men. You know, it's the all men part. It's like using this situation and maybe some others to say all that can be really challenging. And I want you to watch that because becoming disgusted with a group of people because of what you see, as you know, maybe typical behavior
amongung some doesn't mean that it's typical among all. Let's keep listening.
You know, he is home all week with us, but it's like he's not there. I work from home, so I have to deal with everything that has to do with my children. I cook dinner, feed them, clean up, and take care of shower and bedtime. His representation of being present is getting home, showering, eating dinner, and sitting on the couch scrolling on TikTok. I hear his mother tell me about his daily routines when he lived with her, and it's the same, come home, shower, eat and hit
the couch. Come the weekend heath party. I said, yeah, that sounds like my routine when I was single too. But now I'm a mother in a relationship, so that's not what my schedule is anymore. I've tried to sit and think, why does it bother me? Why can't I just accept it? What should I do? I'm honestly to the point that i just want to call it quits because I'm tired of always having the same conversation. Maybe I am too hard on him and he doesn't deserve this.
Maybe I will never understand and accept this and should stop making myself unhappy. I think I just want someone to evolve with me. I hope you can help me.
This line. But now I'm a mother in a relationship, so that's not what my schedule is anymore. That was a choice, That was your choice for motherhood, because there are some mothers who don't change their schedule for motherhood. There are some fathers who do not change their schedule for motherhood. So it sounds like you made a choice to be a different version of yourself because you were stepping into an intentional role of being a mother, and
perhaps your partner is not in that same place. One of the most challenging times in a couple's relationship is when they introduce cho into the relationship. One of the big arguments they always have is, you're not doing less like me. I've made this sacrifice. You didn't make that sacrifice. This is what a father should do, This is what
a mother should do. That conversation around what these roles mean is a common one, and many of us, you know, decide, hey, you are a great boyfriend, but you're not the dad that I thought you'd be. And you know, what do we base that on? Right? You know, before I had kids with my husband, I couldn't say what kind of dad he was. I mean, he liked my dog, right, So it's kind of like, I guess you'll be nice
to kids like he is the dog. But that's you know, that's not a measure, you know, don't We don't know what we're getting into with a person. It's like, you know, what is what is the measure of that? Now, maybe if they have other kids and we have some example of oh, well, you know, that's how he treats his daughter. But when we're walking into this, we really don't know. And to be quite honest, we don't even do everything
that we think we would do. And so this expectation that when you become this parent, you become this maturer person. Not all of us. We were the same person as we were last year this time, but now we just have a baby. You know, nothing has shifted, nothing has changed. Maybe we're not drinking less, maybe we're not partying less. Maybe we're doing it a bit more because you know,
maybe we have more stressors. Who knows, but you know, this whole idea that there should be this rapid shift or shift at all, it's an expectation that many of us have that goes unfulfilled because it's not the other person's desire for themselves. I would wonder, what does your partner, if you were to ask him, tell me about your role as a father. What is a father? How do you see your role as a parent to our children? It might be very different than what you think. It
sounds like you think a mother is responsible. They cook, they clean, they feed, they take care of their children, They do shower, they do bedtime. His you know, without asking him. It sounds like I'm present. It doesn't matter how I look when I'm present. It doesn't matter if I'm sober when I'm present. It doesn't matter if I'm present in the garage, on the couch, on TikTok. I am here. And that might be enough for him, But is it enough for you? You need to hear this.
Sometimes we think we're being too hard on people, and sometimes we're actually not being hard enough. Expectations are a part of a relationship. Now, what we shouldn't do is nag people. We shouldn't try to make them, you know, honor our agenda. We shouldn't drag them. We shouldn't you know, pull them to our side all the time. Because they are autonomous beings and they have some choice, and sometimes, unfortunately in relationships, people's choices do not align with the
life that we want to have. It doesn't align with our lifestyle. But the part that we can control is what we do with that. How do I show up in this relationship? Do I want to be in this relationship? Is this something that has the potential to change? Those are the questions that we need to ask when we are stuck on a person's behavior. You need to hear This is an iHeart production host it by me Nadra Glover to whip. Our executive producer is Joe L. Baldique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia Don Taylor. Us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time.