Matt , I want to discuss something that , as a person with a , you know .
Tall frame no Bowel problem .
No , I got . Curly hair Nope .
Lower Bent penis Toes that curl into an S .
As a person of the penis to persuasion Unwashed calves .
Yes , oh , so it is about the penis .
Yeah , yeah , yeah .
Yeah , tell me about that gore to yours , that gore .
Oh man , what a wild subject for today's episode . You know the struggles Of the penis .
Yes .
I'm familiar with some of them , yeah .
Yeah , yeah , yeah yeah .
Have you ever like woken up and you really it's a natural part of growing up .
Eric , you know those white spots .
They happen to everyone , matthew I'm just trying to derail your cold opener from the start , huh all right , I'm sorry , I'm sorry , I'm sorry yeah , um , I've woken up I have truly .
yes , I love that . I love that you just call it a penis , I don't what do you call it ? Wait , what do you call it ?
Like on the daily . Well , yeah , my penis is a name . If that's what you're after , Okay , first I want to know . I don't address it as such normally .
What is its name and what do you call it ? Polythymus , polythymus .
Wait , do you understand polythemus ? No , is that a god or is that a philosopher , polythemus ?
is the cyclops from the odyssey . Okay , yep , yep , just brushing sheep yes , truly with the one-eyed monster , if you will so that's so that . Okay , so that's so , that's . But like in your day-to-day when you're referring to one yeah , the the old , wait a minute .
hold on To one , not my own , your own or another . I mean , I don't think there's one universal way that I do it . My dick , my penis , my John Thomas my trouser snake Nope , all I needed .
Okay . So , matt , we did it at seven minutes 23 seconds remaining . So let me clue you in on what's happening . Alyssa and I were having a discussion late at night . We were both in our cups air quotes yeah sure , delinquents . And Alyssa was fucking certain . Alyssa had an idea in her mind about Matt Shea . Oh my God .
That that you said you had a cold open you were passionate about , and it's just about shaming me .
No , no , no , no , no , no . Matthew , I am a paladin who stands in your defense .
Yeah , all right , alyssa was convinced With that in mind continue .
We were talking about what a good boy you are and I can't remember how the subject of of of talking about my schlong genitalia on the show that but alissa's convinced that you would never , on the show , refer to an anatomical penis as a dick .
Why is like I just don't see him do it , and that's what I said that's what you call it I'm pretty sure he's done that a hundred times . She was like name one dicks pulled out .
The dick couldn't help but notice your dicks . Have back off my dick . Elliot lee and his giant dick love dick . This plant rang back the dicks . Red hot dick sucking lips , 15 swinging dicks getting together for a film I love dick . The plant . Cut your dick off , eric . Yeah , alissa , that's just since episode 100 now I was like alissa .
I can't even tell you what I talked about on the last episode alissa's out of school .
On this one , why would I not talk about my dick as my dick ?
matt . It devolved into a . I was like this is gonna be a cold open . I'm gonna get him to say the word dick on the podcast . Um , but then we had . We spent like a half an hour laying down ground rules . I have a document open right now .
Uh , here is the cold open note get mac to say the word dick in reference to talking about literal anatomical dicks , because alissa is convinced that matt would never do that on an episode of the podcast . Here are the rules . Rule one direct quote no fuckery . And you know what that means I mean eric .
You do know what that means so I .
So it's like I have to get you to say it organically to quote . It cannot be a movie quote , so let's just get ahead of that right now . Great rule three must be in regards to an anatomical penis , so it can't be like oh yeah , that guy's a dick for quote . And here's the other thing .
I going to give you a piece of paper and an envelope and you're going to read it . If you can't get him to do this within the first ten minutes of the show , it was within three minutes . Yeah , I did great as far as like from the top of the cold open . I did it in like two minutes .
You did it very quickly , because of course , you did . That's what you refer to , a penis , as . Yeah it was like there's no world in which Matt has not referred to a dick as a dick . I would say just for Alyssa's own , I'm going to say embarrassment . I would say 90% of the time when I reference my penis in and around my home , I would say my dick .
And you've said it so many times on this podcast .
I'm sure I have , I'm positive that I have . That's what blew my mind . I was like Alyssa .
So Alyssa doesn't listen to the show . You're telling me the person who's been in this whole thing , alyssa , don't out yourself as someone who doesn't listen to the show . I can't handle that . I can't handle that . I can't handle that pressure .
It's , it's truly . I will say this in Alyssa's defense . It's truly , because you don't have to by the way .
I know you're romantically linked , but you can let her embarrassment fester .
No , no , no . This is the meme right now where , like she's like the the noble , being like pelted by rocks and tomatoes , I'm like holding up my shield to defend her .
yeah , let that shield down is what I'm saying . Let my rocks through , uh , my rocks something I could call my balls , by the way there uh , alissa if you want to know this , this was a discussion in reference .
We were talking about how good you are , how pure you are , thank you and and last 30 seconds may be exempted yeah , yeah , but but that , but like . That's why I came to your defense . I was like Matt's a dirty boy , matt's pure , but he's like nasty . He talk , he say dick . I say all the words .
But , matt , I do want to circle back to this rule Number four . I'm just repeat it . Here's the other thing . This is what Alyssa said . She said I'm going to give you a piece of paper and an envelope and you're going to read it if you can't do this within the first 10 minutes of the show .
So I obviously want to hear what this piece of paper has to say I , I , I would do two things .
One I did it , so I ain't gotta read shit no , you don't she didn't give me the piece of paper , also to her credit . She probably didn't know I was going to do this cold open today , but I have avoided embarrassment uh yet again , thank god .
Skin of your teeth rule , not which rule 4b uh I get something , I think if I well , this is , this is an addendum to the to the I have to read whatever uh 4b . So I am delighted to announce that alissa named those terms and then I named my terms , which generated rule number five .
You don't have to do this After I said what I would get to do if I won .
So what were your terms ? Because you definitely won .
I won . I knocked it out of the park , I pointed to the stands . I was like that dick right there . My terms are simple . If I did it which there was never a doubt in the fucking universe that I would I'm going to go to the discord and I'm going to post one of my favorite pictures of Alyssa on Earth .
She is like eight or nine years old and wearing a bear costume and it's super precious and she hates that picture .
You get to post that once this episode airs .
Yes , once this episode airs I will be posting alissa dressed up as an adorable little bear head to the discord right now . Uh , yeah , so that that's in conclusion . Matt will say dick on the show I win . I am the winner , winner , chicken dinner and I'm going to post a picture of my girlfriend . I cannot wait to see it . It's so , it's so .
It's like when you think of pictures , mom pulls out . It's like prom night and mom sharing pictures with your date . This is right .
Here's my precious little teddy bear .
Yeah , that's mine there she is , so yeah uh , welcome to the show .
Pull up a . This , the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions . My name is Matthew Shea . My dick's name , polyphemus , from the Odyssey .
My name is Eric Poach . My dick's name is no One .
No One . Is that really it ? Or are you just saying you didn't name your dick , which I don't believe for a minute ?
No One has lain me .
No One has lain you . That's what they say .
No One has sexed me into traction .
Are you admitting something terrible ? What's happening ? No , no Attraction . Are you admitting ?
something terrible . What's happening ? No , no , I'm saying because my dick is named no one when someone's like bragging about like awesome awesome dick stuff that my dick did .
They'll be like no one has , oh , no one so it's an anonymous , it's an identity protection .
Yes , it's a reverse humble brag . It's where there's humble bragging about my dick , but no one will know it's mine I see what so I could just watch from the shadows and go . Ah , yes , good , good very good .
Yes , this is without a doubt the straightest beginning to this uh show we've ever done , I think .
Yes , the most heteronormative or the gayest One of the two . God , I hope it's the second one . It's on the bingo card 2025 , bisexual as fuck .
It is truly , and so far this episode's checking all them boxes .
Oh , my God .
Maybe a few boxes too . Oh , sorry , sorry , I shouldn't have said that we got to keep it strictly to the dicks . I'm gonna say it's an obnoxious amount in this episode obnoxious amount of dicks in this episode .
This episode will be chock full of dicks okay , like to the point that game of thrones would look this and go like was that really necessary ?
A proper bouquet of dicks .
Tasteful side dick . Untasteful under dick .
No God , no one wants the under dick's , not for anyone .
No , no , no , no , no , no . That's just for grainy , poorly snapped selfies when someone's thirst trapping at four in the morning , oh my God . I don't think they call it thirst traffic , but uh , no , not when they're . No , that's that that , no that . When dudes do that shit , when they just start like fucking , fucking , that's water dowsing sexual harassment .
I think , yeah , that's , they're like oh , I think I said something , maybe so pro tip fellas , fellas and anyone with a dick , whoever gets the impulse to send pictures of it at four in the morning . Just don't , don't Nobody . No one you have ever sent one to has enjoyed it .
Listen , if you now I can't , I can authentically say I have never sent a dick pic and if I did I'd be lost in the chaos of production . I'd be getting good lighting .
Oh my god , it would be immaculate . You would put a tripod , would be set up . It'd create a whole , a whole new department in the anxiety section of your brain would have to open up .
All right , boys , here we go . The council of mats would be like we got to hold on . We got to pull up a new chair . Oh my god , a new chair . Oh my God , a new member is joining us Dick pic .
Matt , a new member .
This is a terrible start to this episode . I feel very confident .
But just to follow that up , even if you have sent a picture of your dick to someone , yes . And they were like ooh and A . The only time you should be doing that is when someone's like oh , of course I would love to Like A .
it shouldn't even be like do you want to see a picture of a dick ?
Somebody should be demanding it , somebody be like show me that dick , Even when they're like , ooh yeah , they're just doing that to be nice to you .
Dicks are ridiculous looking . Send a picture of Richard Nixon for the lulls and move on . That's what I say .
All bodies are beautiful , all things are beautiful , but dicks are objectively the funniest looking things on the planet .
It's not meant to be admired , it's meant to do a function . Yes , let it do its work , let it do its work .
Let it speak for itself . You don't need to give it headshots .
It does not need to audition oh man , it does not need to audition Dick pics in the style of headshots though .
Give you one serious , okay , one playful .
Okay , now get a little flirty on this one .
Put a resume on the back of it .
Yeah , on this one .
yeah , put a resume on the back of it . Yeah , that okay . New , new , new meta has approached . From now on , if you send a dick pic , if you send a dick pic that has been asked for , it has to be accompanied by a resume .
A resume um which a full resume , not only previous work , but also special skills , yep education we're gonna have to know height and weight of the dick , not you um dick .
Yes , girth , girth and length yep , uh , if you've done regional work , the standard summer stock I actually did this in rep , all right , oh , man , that eric .
I think we have spent so much time on this episode talking about our penises . Yes , we have , and yet not enough , and yet not nearly enough . But we we have spent so much time on this episode talking about our penises yes , we have , and yet not enough , and yet not nearly enough , but we have some opening business to jump right on into .
I feel you know , because first of all , I don't think I've even asked how you're doing yet . How are you ?
doing , eric , I'm doing phenomenal . Something I do want to note for listeners , because I spent about 10 to 20 minutes agonizing over this my house is vibrating yes , my house is 100 years old , so it just makes sounds and today it's doing a random buzzing that I thought was like . Maybe it was like because the wind's blowing real hard . I'm hearing the buzz .
Maybe there's a door like the back doors , like the screen doors , like waving or like way blowing in the breeze nope turns out , I put my hand against the wall . When the wind blows just this side of the house , it just vibrates a little , don't know why . Try not to think too hard about it .
All that to say , if you hear in the background an occasional , that is my house , not my tum tum , yes and not uh , not uh . A pot belly pig that I adopted I which I wish was the case I would absolutely be interviewing it .
Bro , if we're making a blood pact right now , if either of us ever gets a pot belly pig , we interview it , blood pact yeah , blood packed .
Absolutely dick to dick on that one dick to dick on that .
One fucking just docking a hickory dickory dock a hickory dickory dock .
Um , very good , eric , thank you . I'll do my best to edit it out , but you know , maybe it's not possible . But we'll see , and and if your house collapses in the middle of the show , you'll know you'll . You'll hear that too . I'll keep that in for context .
Yeah , and I will need you to fully in , like a hubcap rolling and then doing oh yeah , absolutely .
Yeah .
Going to need one of those .
Absolutely . Now the other bit of business we have to take care of regards a bingo square .
Ah , yes .
We are . We are recording this the day after the eurovision finals yes , excuse me , grand finals yes , the grand finals it's .
It's been , it's been a whirlwind of a week . Semi-finals started on the , the two , the 10th or the 11th . No , it started on the 12th and then , and it was like semi-final daybreak , semi-final daybreak , and then here we are at the finals .
now look , the main question here is did I in fact get into eurovision , which , for the second year in a row , was your submission as what you were going to get me into ?
Yes , this is my albatross and my boulder .
So once all the submissions were in , you did let me know about that .
I was so much better this year than last year you were much better about it .
You told me when the semifinals were and the finals , which right away a bigger step forward than you did before . But I will say that I didn't watch the semifinals . But what I did watch was every single submission and rank them on the Eurovision ranker website you sent me , which , honestly , that could use some work too .
Design wise , I might honestly just go with a spreadsheet next time . Yeah , but regardless , I did .
I completed my ranking of the what is it 37 total 37 competing countries , who were your top five , by the way ?
Just for the listeners ? Yes , sure . So my top five for the listeners benefit was number five . I'll go five to one .
Yeah , of course , of course .
Number five , I had Croatia Poison Cake . Okay , Luxembourg was number four with La Poupie Montée Le Sang . Luxembourg had a good showing . Sure , I nailed that .
Had a good showing in the semis .
Number three was Australia , with Milkshake man God gotta have it , gotta be . Gotta have it . Number two was Estonia's Tommy Cash's Espresso Macchiato Instant classic , and number one far and away the best was KAJ from Sweden's Bara Bara Bastu , bara , bara Bastu Bastu .
Yeah , it was in fact the first song that I listened to from the playlist I was working off of , and it never moved from my top spot .
It's a banger .
It's a banger . And I'll tell you right now , when I'm watching Eurovision because we were talking a little bit about Eurovision before the show started and I'm here to tell you I think I picked a bad year to try to get into it because the vast majority of these 37 songs , I have to say , thoroughly unimpressive to me .
There were a handful of bangers , and the rest was just underwhelming . Here's what I'm after it was an inordinately underwhelming year .
Here's me when I'm going to Eurovision . I want to see the next ABBA . That's my barometer . That's my barometer . Abba came from Eurovision .
They're the kings and queens of Eurovision . Celine Dion won Eurovision .
This is the caliber that I'm looking for . I'm looking for a pop hit that maybe is a slight bit eccentric , that's catchy as fuck , that is still musically very smart . This is what I'm after .
This is what I'm looking for , and a lot of these songs very forgettable , and so I did watch most of the final before I had to , somewhat ironically , leave to judge a singing competition .
This is a re that's all I not a bit .
Yeah , so myself and Lindsay have for a few years now , been judges in a regional musical theater competition . That's all I'm going to say about that , because I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say . But yeah , I was one of the judges there and it was the grand final of this year's competition .
I was not one of the judges for the final , but I still went because I , you know , I was one of the judges throughout the year .
Yeah , so the it was a great , it was a great time , but I did find it very funny that I had to abandon Eurovision to go to that Although locally , I will also point out is it was also Preakness Day , so , and I had to miss the Preakness as well , which I said to you just assuming that you were aware that it was Preakness and then you , I have to be
honest , threw some shade .
My way , I did not . I did accuse you of being a horse girl .
Well , you asked if I was a horse girl in a follow-up voice memo . The first voice memo was like do you watch Preakness ? And I was like yeah , obviously I do , along with Belmont and the Kentucky Derby , because again . I'm a warm-blooded American citizen .
Yeah who also who loves watching those little jockeys ? Just beat the shit out of horses with little riding crops . Not quite what happens , but sure Someone got a hefty fine this year for hitting their horse too many times .
That was at the Kentucky Derby yes , yeah . Yeah , it does happen and I would say that , yeah , so is that the shame You're shaming me for in general watching horse racing .
I'm just saying the regulations for the Kentucky Derby stipulate that you may strike a horse with your riding crop up to six times .
It's why you have six carats when you ride a pona in ocarina of time and someone went beyond that . That's somebody . Yeah , again , that's a good . I'm not . That's not me . I'm not the jockey .
I'm way too tall to be the jockey you're just out there in your , in your big hat , in your no I suck a suit no , I was saying to lindsey that we , for being a maryland local long as we have , and in fact at one point living down the street from Pimlico , we never have gone to the Preakness and we should go sometime . I guess you're not .
I guess you're putting up billboards with PETA over here . Jesus Christ , but yeah , but I also . I enjoy putting some money on some ponies . Oh yeah , how do the ponies do for you ? Not good Three times a year ? I'm not a horse better throughout the year , but the Triple Crown races , I don't know . It was always on in my house .
It was always on in my house as well . My mom and my aunt are so huge .
I remember the big Smarty Jones Triple Crown run . I'll never forget that my mom and my aunt are .
That was Preakness Day .
I literally walked to the chain link fence on the final turn of Pimlico . The horses are no more than I don't know 20 feet away . Like you're closer than anyone can sit , I literally walked up to the fence and sat there for when the race started and watched the horses race behind me . The final turn . It was really great .
But yeah , this year I have not won anymore . I have won before there were . A couple of years ago I dropped some cash I think it was on Belmont and I won like 500 bucks for my long shot on the ponies , on the ponies . But yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . But anyway , what are we fucking talking about ?
You're a horse girl , I wouldn't say overall , but I'll always be third in your life .
After your horse and your daddy's money I get it , my daddy's money .
When am I getting it ?
now you told me lind Dr Lindsay Arbar , former horse girl .
Yeah , former , she grew up riding horses .
The voice memo I got from you . You referred to her as a horse girl and the absolute indignation in her voice she's like not a horse girl .
She was a horse girl at one point in time . I think if you rode horses you get the title of horse girl .
Yeah .
Oh , so I'm a horse girl ? Sure , I mean , I've ridden a horse , if that's what you're trying to say .
No , no , I'm saying she competitively rode horses . Oh yeah , okay , she had the pants and the boots and the hat .
Yeah , it's a helmet , but yes .
The helmet .
Actually saved her life , but that's a different story . Actually saved her life , uh , but that's a different story .
Uh , her hat , as you put it . Yes , so yeah , she's not a horse girl , but by any recovering horse girl .
She's a recovering horse girl , uh . This episode is off the fucking rails , uh , which I already feel like half of what we recorded is gonna get cut .
Oh , it's gonna be great . Um , if you don't edit the show , if you are a horse girl or no a horse girl , please reach out to us . We would love to have a horse girl episode where we interview you .
Yes , if you're a horse girl , please , horse girls is welcome . That's what I say . Horse girls need apply . I did tell this is a true thing . I did tell this is a true thing when we were courting back in college . Lindsay was telling me about how much she loves horses and grew up with having a horse and all this stuff . They're noble , beautiful creatures .
Truly , I told her that I would one day get her a horse and that is still the barometer for my income .
Can I buy my wife a horse ? Can I ?
Buy my wife a horse , and the answer up until this moment is still no yep , because the challenge is it's not even just like honestly , just buying a horse is the easy part that's the easy part , it's the buying all the things the horse needs to continue existing as a horse yes , but I have hope , because there there is a house down the street in my suburban
neighborhood that has a two horses in their own paddock .
that it's seemingly a plot that honestly should have been given to another house but instead was purchased by the homeowner to be a big old horse paddock . And I just love that they're in the middle of this suburb there's just this little horse paddock Hell yeah . Chill with some horses . They're very cool .
They're very chill . They're very scared of everything around them .
We call them Splash and Chestnut . We don't know their names , but that's what we call them Anyway , should we maybe ? Oh wait , wait , wait , we got to put the thing .
Oh yeah , we got to put this to bed . So , Matt , talk to me .
Here's the thing . Here's the question on the table is did Matt get into Eurovision ? I'd say ? Was I a little underwhelmed by the overall quality of the songs this season ? Yes , but I did listen and rank every single entry . I watched a little bit of the semifinals , just a touch . It was during the workday .
I had a lot of fucking work going on so I couldn't watch too much . But I watched most of the final until I had to leave , and if I didn't have to leave I would have watched all of it . I'm very disappointed by some of the final until I had to leave , and if I didn't have to leave I would have watched all of it .
I'm very disappointed by some of the outcomes .
Oh , a lot of people were .
And we don't . Yeah , we don't need to get into the controversy of of who is in the top three , necessarily .
Yeah .
But we we can leave it for an for another podcast that talks about Eurovision . I'm sure there are many , oh so many , but I would say those actions alone , I think , qualify that I got into Eurovision . Yes , that's a bingo , here's how I would describe it .
Yeah , when the entries for Eurovision come out , I would be interested in listening to them all and ranking them , as I did this year . I love a good ranking of them , as I did this year , I love a good ranking of things .
I know you do .
So I will gladly do that again . Would I list Eurovision as a conflict on my calendar ? Probably not . Probably not . I don't know that I'd move things around for Eurovision , but if it was the day of Eurovision and it was just a Saturday or whatever , sure I'm going to watch it . I'll probably watch it .
I'll probably have it on . Let me ask you this , and this is how my brain puts a button on it Are you , Matt Shea , having witnessed a Eurovision , having seen the drama ? This ? Year yes there is quite a bit of it . There is quite a bit of it . Do you find yourself already looking forward to whatever the shit show is going to be next year ?
I don't know that I can authentically and honestly say yes to that answer . I know you wanted me to .
I know and I appreciate your honesty on the show by dashing my dreams on the sidewalk .
I love doing it Much like .
Australia's dreams were dashed .
Milkshake man .
Not being in the finals is a fucking crime against music when when australia didn't make it with milkshake man , but armenia did with a song that I can only describe as the musical equivalent of dudes punching walls .
I I don't , it was . It was very middle of the road for me . I what did I ?
You asked me earlier where I had it ranked and I think I had it 28 or something of 37 , very low um , and so very unimpressed by although my second place pick finished third espresso macchiato um by tommy cash but all that to say , I get the square but , all to say , you get the square , and so do the people , because I would actively be like , I don't
know that . I'd be like , ooh , what's the drama this year ? But I would be like , ooh , the Eurovision submissions are in , let's give them a listen , let's give them a rank . I would do that . I do look forward to doing that . Them a rank . I would do that . I do look forward to doing that .
I would say I look forward to listening to all of the Eurovision submissions , more than actually watching Eurovision .
Honest to God , that's like with the . I love the finals , but I do . I do look forward to most , like just the risk . Oh , I'm going to learn a bunch . I'm going to listen to a bunch of new music . Today , I just get to chill for like two hours on my couch watching music videos . It's great .
And one last bit of business we have to cover before we move on to something that resembles a question in this episode . Oh , eric , I don't know . I know you have sometimes trouble remembering the things that happen in the show that you technically one could say quote unquote produce .
Yes , happen in the show that you technically one could say quote unquote produce .
Yes , matthew , as time goes on , my sight dims . Yes , yes , it does .
The picture you it fades like marty mcfly my eyes do not look , but they see yes , uh , so actually , actually , that reminds me there are two things that we need to talk about . Oh great , there are two things that we need to talk about .
The first is you had asked listeners a couple of episodes ago in episode 115 , you said some bullshit that didn't make any sense . You asked listeners if they followed the garbledy gook .
Yes .
Way .
Yes .
Do you recall doing this ? And just to just to prove my own point , what ?
were you talking about , and Matt that's . I'm so glad you bring that up , because while while while I do remember spouting off some garbledy gook and asking people if they agree with me , and while I do plan to squeeze every ounce of joy of vindication if I am to be vindicated you could put a fucking gun to my head and couldn't tell you what I said .
Of course you couldn't , or even what it was about . Of course you couldn't case in point .
And anyway .
Zach Deuce called in . Let's hear what he has to say . Yeah , Zachy .
Yeah , yeah , I got that . I got your back . I'm with Poach .
Hashtag I'm with Poach .
All right , hopefully we put that to bed , matt . What ?
Matt calm down . You should listen to him . All right , we all got it . They all got it , don't berate the poor boy .
He's dealing with enough with you love you , bye .
They all got it they all got it .
So says saint zacky d closed . The patron saint yeah .
Independent podcast if it look . If anyone was going to speak for everyone , I would want it to be zachie d's voice absolutely .
And speaking of zachie d , uh , he and I can both be featured on the new season of podcasters , assemble , if you haven't listened to the show before . It's a movie podcast where they go franchise by franchise . We've talked about it on the show before . Zachy D talked about it when he's been here . They go franchise by franchise , sometimes standalone movies .
They do a spinoff series called Disassembled where they talk about bad movies . Eric and I were on an episode of that to talk about what was it ? Shark attack two . Yeah , oh man , yeah , it was . We watched some . We watched some bad shark put the shark in the aquarium I can't even remember the name of it , but it was delightfully terrible .
So we had a great time . But this current season just launched and they dropped the first episode of it and it is back to the future . So , needless to say , there's that sylvestri score . I was called upon .
I was called upon I , like to think , requested to be a part of this season , so I have lent my expertise on back to the future , to this uh series , which they desperately need because spoiler alert , some of the contributors here I've already heard the episode because it's already out .
Some of these contributors don't know what the fuck they're talking about I can , but I digress .
I cannot wait to listen to it and I can tell , like I , everything your tone of voice just conveyed . I already knew it's like , like bro , like we called in , we called in Oppenheimer to the science fair project .
Like well , yes , 100% . And to prove that point , so many people on the podcast are going to talk you through the plot . So I said up top with my contribution because ?
because they tell you to keep our submissions to 10 minutes and I don't know how I start talking about that in the future and you're not going to waste a precious fucking second of that rehashing the plot of a movie that everyone knows Correct .
So instead I focus on guiding the listener through the timeline of Back to the Future which , in the first movie , fairly straightforward , but as we get into two and three , which I have to record this week , I just realized it gets more complicated . So they need an expert , and so that's why I decided to lent my highbrow opinions .
Are you going to tell them why there's five delLoreans in 1955 ? Four DeLoreans , Four DeLoreans . I will See that was a test you passed .
I will Thank you , I will get to that and yes , yes indeed , eric , are you going to contribute anything to episodes two and three ?
I am because .
Because what happened to the first episode ? Well , man , I feel like Did somebody , I feel like did somebody not remind you to do it ?
So this was so . This is what you all have to understand about Matthew and I is dynamic .
Was it a text message that maybe got sent and then just nobody responded to ?
So our dynamic is that I am not allowed to experience joy , so like when . I have happy feelings , good , good good things happening to me , like my , my good friend , zachy D , calling into the show to tell me that he , that he , understood the words coming out of my mouth , as I knew all would .
And they were one more time . What were they again ?
So when I said those words and zachie agreed with me and I had that and I got that , that gang , that precious , precious hit of dopamine , matt saw that . Matt saw my joy and he said , oh , like , like , like jimmy stewart on a portal , oh , you see that . Oh , is that Eric's joy ? What if I took a rope and tied a ?
lasso around it what ?
if I just pulled it down .
Pulled it all down to earth . How do you like that , Mr Potter ? Clarence , Clarence , I got it . I got his joy .
And then he took off his Jimmy Stewart mask and it was none other than Mr Potter there to dash my dreams on the sidewalk . Yeah , yeah , yeah , but no , I was reminded so many times . I was given so much heads up to do this thing and then , super didn't .
That's fine , eric , it's fine . So go listen to Podcasters Assemble . Wherever you get your podcasts , it's the Back to the Future episode . I'm there . There's some Shark episode like two years ago that we did too . Go find that one too , you should be listening to all their episodes . You should be listening to all their episodes .
They slap their fucking bap , but Eric , should we answer some questions ?
At 40 minutes into the episode .
Yes , again , I'm sure there's cuts there Simply must be .
At 15 minutes into the episode .
This comes from Aaron on the discord . You all know Aaron . He drops us a ton of questions , usually via email . This time he did it through the discord and his question was this may be niche , but I think it aligns exactly with Matt's interests You're creating a starting lineup for a baseball slash softball team using movie characters .
Characters who are professional baseball players in the movie example Crash Davis and Bull Durham are not permitted . However , characters who are amateur players example Daniel Caffrey , caffey , caffey and a few good men oh , caffey , yeah , ok yeah Are permitted . Who's on the team ?
I love this . This is this is a beautiful question and the spirit of the question , the spirit that I'm taking this in is you are putting together a ragtag baseball team of movie characters .
And I'm just going to simplify it for you , aaron , I think , like anybody in Major League or any other baseball-related movie , field of Dreams , whatever Sandlot , not a Sandlot , not a single one of them count . No , it has to be random movies , characters that seemingly have nothing to do with baseball .
A team that we have to get to unite and push past their differences to win this game .
Eric , that goes without saying . It goes , that's baseball , baby Baseball . So , eric , let me start by saying and I know you know this , but how many , how many people in a baseball lineup ? That's going to be 17. , 17. , 17 .
You , you , including a bench in that , or oh , that's including the bench , the second string , the you know .
You must , you simply must know you're already wrong , right .
No , no , you also got the . You know understudies . The answer is nine . We're looking for nine . Looking for nine .
Individuals know understudies , you got the answer is nine .
We're looking for nine , looking for nine individuals . Oh well , then I've already got my answer . It's the fellowship of the ring . Let's go okay , but but , eric , my team has gandalf the gray . We win eric .
He asked us to create a starting lineup , a starting lineup , is not thrown together without any strategy .
No , no no , I no , I absolutely agree . We got a rag tag . It's got to be rag tag . It cannot be a cohesive unit from one movie .
Yes , and here's what I think is good . I know he aimed this sort of me , but here's the thing , eric , I know how a baseball lineup is put together and I definitely also do , and you definitely also do . But what I'm saying is I definitely also do , and you definitely also do . But what I'm saying is why don't we do this ?
Let's go slot by slot , okay , and I will say to you what is normally done in the lineup . We can figure out their positions separately .
Yes , you describe what the role does . Yes , okay .
So we start with our leadoff hitter . The leadoff hitter traditionally has a good average , gets on base .
That's what we're looking for , more than power although that is sort of changing in today's game but more than you don't necessarily want a home run hitter , you want somebody who can get on base and who has a good average , which means they also know how to walk and , I would say , pretty importantly , they're fast .
So they're a base stealer or a single , can get from first to third or first to home .
So this is someone to put that in poach terms , someone who sets the tone .
Someone who sets the tone . They're normally tall , slender , they're usually quite quick , okay , and they can hit . They hit for average rather than power .
Okay , now here's a question . This is arising in my mind as we discuss this . This is something I feel like we should get out of the way now . Are we putting people with superhuman powers on the table , or do we prefer ? Oh Do you know what I mean , because that can skew the math , I agree .
I think we leave the supernatural characters , superheroes , whatnot , special powers out of it , that's what I say okay because otherwise you could be like oh hulk is the cleanup yeah , like yeah and pitching , we have the flash .
Exactly .
Okay , flash would be a great leadoff hitter , but you know , actually it'd be a better pinch runner , but that's besides the point , so yeah , so that's what we're looking for . We're looking for somebody who can set the tone , maybe also can work the count you know , is not somebody who necessarily swings at every pitch .
We don't want that . No , no , no , no , no . They got to take it as it comes . Takes it . Takes it as it comes , cowboy Takes it as it comes Exactly .
Hmm , I know it's a real interesting question . Yeah , very well done .
I had an impulse answer . Okay , well , let's hear it . Someone who we know can be quick , someone who might not be the biggest or the strongest but has the street wise to know when to swing and when not to swing . They know how to set the tone . Yes , jack from Titanic .
Jack from Titanic . Eric , I'm with you on this . I think he could be a good leadoff hitter , legitimately , yeah , if I were to put him into the field . Let's see real quick , how tall is DiCaprio ? Let's figure this out he's six foot exactly , according to the internet .
So , okay , so DiCaprio being six foot , I would say that's all in line with a good leadoff hitter . I might say third base , third base For Jack . I think I could see him at third base . Okay , I'm going to write this down as we go . So we don't get , we don't get crossed up . So we got to Capra .
We , I'm sorry , we have Jack Dawson , uh , the third base Dawson .
And you know he's going to be a heartthrob , Like , like , like , when he , when he comes out , yeah , Like , even even the folks on the on the , on the the enemy team will be cheering for him .
I'm writing this down Like I am putting together my son's baseball lineup . So we've got , we've got Dawson at third base leading off . Now we're onto our second hitter , the second hitter . These days , traditionally speaking , your overall all around best hitter is the third spot hitter .
These days , traditionally speaking , your overall all-around best hitter is the third spot hitter . But these days in the modern game , that has shifted a little bit to being the second hitter . So this is somebody who can hit for power , hit for average , a five-tool player , a five-category player , meaning they can hit for average .
They score runs , they hit home runs , they get RBIs meaning they can hit for average . They score runs , they hit home runs , they get RBIs and they can steal bases . Here he comes , here he comes . Casey is at the bat .
Okay , okay .
So I would say that two and three a little bit in my mind in my baseball strategy , a little bit interchangeable , I would put two maybe slightly better average than the third hitter . But that's up for debate , because I'll tell you what's happening . What we're coming up to Number four is your cleanup hitter .
That's somebody who's traditionally maybe not the best average hitter but is probably the best power hitter , the best average hitter but is probably the best power hitter , the best chance of a home run and nothing else comes off of the cleanup hitter okay okay cleanup being , if the bases are loaded , he's gonna clear them . That's the idea .
There we go okay , we load the bases . We we two and three . Punch the hole one through three . Punch the hole four , scoops the meat Sure Okay .
Absolutely . So two now we've got Jack Dawson leading off . Let's say , jack Dawson hit us a single . He's on first . Who do we want up ? Second , to move Jack along those base paths . Hopefully get him to third , at least Hopefully get him to third . Hopefully get him to home . Yeah , of course everyone wants to go home .
So to put this in context of the modern game , aaron Judge on the Yankees , that's second in most games . In days of yore it would have been third , but he's bad in second most of the time now . So this can be your headliner , this can be your headliner , but that said , we're not using baseball players necessarily .
You know what I'm saying ? Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , we're looking for two for four . We're looking for power , with an extra emphasis on four for the power .
Yes , Four is your . Four is traditionally the . There there are some people who are like they're either going to strike out or they're going to hit a home run , and those people usually are in the cleanup role .
Okay , um , and this is a clarifying question for two and three how do we feel , like , like two and three again very similar , I in my mind they can kind of be interchanged .
Okay , I have , I think I have a pick for two . Okay , then that means I got a pick for three .
Okay , so what ? So tell me about your pick my pick .
While he comes from the world of sci-fi , I don't believe he possesses by himself any supernatural powers . I'm gonna put din joran as my second hitter . Din Djarin the Mandalorian , better known as the Mandalorian , I would say Din Djarin , you know Sans , sans jetpack , sans any kind of weapons , obviously of a Starwardian bent . Obviously of a Starwardian bent .
But Din Djarin himself , he can be in the middle if he needs to Okay yeah . I'd say he's a good pick for second .
That is such a good pick .
For second or third . I think he'd be a good hitter . I think he's fast and he'd be smart on the base pass , which is why I'd put him two over three personally .
Yeah okay .
So I'd put him two over three per second . Yeah , okay , so I'm putting Jaron down . Jaron down , I'd say . I see him as a first base . Well , you know what , with that amount of gear , it's very rare to put a catcher in second . I'm going to say the gear alone , he can be catcher .
Yes , I'd put him in catcher . All right , who's your third ? So yeah , the guy , the poor bastard , uh , who's batting on the enemy team with , with with din jar behind them . Every now and then I'll just hear din jar muttering .
This is the way I'm like what does that ?
mean , um , I ? So I have a third and actually a candidate for fourth approach me , but my candidate for third , you said it earlier . Here comes Casey Casey Jones of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles .
Eric , really fucking good , really good . I have no notes or pushback . Casey Jones is a great number three hitter .
Yeah , because he's got that flexibility of being talented with a lot of sports implements , but he's not a baseball player he , he , but he's got player yes yes but he's got that power .
If we were right , if we were doing a hockey lineup , he'd be ineligible . But correct , he's eligible for the baseball , for sure . I would say casey jones . Position wise , I'm gonna slot him in left field .
I'm gonna left field .
I'm gonna slot him in left field . Okay , I might change my mind as we go . Now we've hit cleanup . Cleanup is traditionally a big boy and I've I've got one , okay let's hear it I ?
I had some pop to mind as well , but yeah , you hit me first um , so we want for for the cleanup , and I think , god , the fact that's called cleanup too is so appropriate . We want someone I can't believe I'm educating you on that , but continue . We want someone . We're not looking for average . We're looking for raw power .
The bases are loaded and this motherfucker just sends it that's , that is what you want .
That is . That is a baseball staple . Bases are loaded , the cleanup hitters coming up , the whole fucking stadium is jumping . Who is ?
it . You hear him coming , coming as as yeah , yeahpping up to the plate . Here's the jump baby . None other than Sergeant Donnie Donowitz , the Bear Jew . The Bear Jew is a great thing , the Bear Jew from Inglourious Bastards Really good .
Really good . Okay , so , eric , you're really good at this .
Yeah , because he may not be a baseball player , but I know he can swing a fucking bat oh , that's true , he does use a baseball bat .
Does that disqualify him ?
but yeah , he's , but he used baseball bat to to beat the like fucking beat nazis to death . Like he's not out there playing baseball , we allow it , okay . There's nothing in the rules that says the bear jew cannot play baseball any beating to death of a nazi allow .
It nullifies any other disqualification . Oh yeah , so donowitz is there . I agree , really , really strong pick . I think my pick could work further down the lineup . I might keep him . I might keep him in my soul for a minute .
Okay .
But I'll yield right to the Bear Jew for sure . So , donnie Donowitz , you and the SS , so all right . So first of all , I need to know how tall Eli Roth is . Six foot really . I was really hoping he'd be a little shorter . Ideally he'd be shorter for second base , but for some reason I'm getting second-based vibes from Donnie Donahue .
You want the opposing team to be thoroughly terrified of leaving that plate once they've hit a ball .
Leaving that plate once they've hit a ball Exactly , and that's why I think first base works for him , because he's just standing sentinel over at first base waiting for the ball or the runner and he's ready to make a tag . And do you want to be tagged by Donnie Donowitz ? I ?
don't think so . No , you do not , especially because he's still holding a bat .
Yes . So now we're in the heart of the order and things . This is where different managers , different players , have different philosophies . Some people think , some people construct a lineup with we're just starting again . I want another leadoff hitter . Now .
Some people even have have turned into putting more of the traditional number four spot the cleanup hitter in third and starting the redo , if you will , at number five . I don't necessarily think we have to stick to that . This is also the heart of the order .
So once you're in , once you're past the first three innings and you've gone through the order at least once , now the order you're traditionally starting innings in the middle of an order . Okay , so things , you know you're not going to be the same three , three up , three down , over and over and over again . So I'm looking for a combo here .
I don't need somebody who is a perfect leadoff hitter . I don't mind it if they've got some extra power behind them , okay , and so I I wasn't going to necessarily start with this and in fact I was going to say this person for a different version of this person for number four , but I'm going to bring them up now for number five . Hit me with it .
Biff Tannen .
I was okay . So at the start of this question , in my mind it wasn't a question of if Biff , it was a question of when Biff and where Biff in the lineup . So you have my buy-in . So what I was going to say for four is Easily the most controversial player on the team . What I was going to say for four is Griff Tannen .
Ooh yeah , with his cyber , but he does technically have cybernetic implants yes uh , all right . So , tom f wilson , how tall are you , my friend ? Oh , he's six , two he's . Yeah , he's tall , he's a tall boy , okay .
So , yeah , we'll keep him at , uh , at five , and I'm feeling center field , uh , okay , I'm feeling right field , I'm feeling right field for , okay , I'm feeling right field , I'm feeling right field for Biff , right field yes , yes , yes , yes , yes , yes . He's tall , you need somebody who's . You need somebody very fast traditionally to be your center fielder .
So I don't necessarily know that Biff's the fastest , but I think he'd be a good hitter and can he's got stamina for sure , stamina for sure and can pop off some homers . We know this . So , uh , that's where I'm putting him . Um , I'm also mulling Marty McFly for short .
I was wondering yeah , I shortstop for Marty McFly , feels thematically on brand , yeah , but in which case I could see moving tannin down a little bit and putting marty you know what I'm gonna skip ahead , eric okay , I think mcfly can't and just having them both there is kind of fun yes , the the the drama , the drama .
So I think let's , let's make marty our shortstop . Okay , I don't know that I want him at six . I'm not totally convinced that I want him at six . I would say at this juncture , after having really three solid power hitters in Casey Jones , johnny Donowitz and Biff Tannen , we want someone who's maybe a better runner and a better hitter than they are .
A home run hitter , a power hitter , okay . So you mentioned lord of the rings .
Yeah , I think aragon could aragorn aragorn , excuse me , aragorn could be a good , a good candidate for for second maybe okay , okay , um , so we are discussing aragorn , son of erathorn , called lsr , the elfstone dunedain , the heir of isceliador elendil , son of gondor . That aragorn , yeah , I think so . So something you should know .
Most people don't know this just based off of watching the movies , unless you've watched the extended cuts , but even then it's a brief scene . Absolutely , aragorn might not be eligible because Aragorn is of the line of Numenor . Numenoreans are superhuman , they lit . Like Aragorn at the time of lord of the rings in those movies is 90 years old .
Okay , uh , he will live to be about 200 something years old . Uh , they are , they are , they tend to be his . Now the numenorean bloodline is in decline . By the time of lord of the rings , like back in the day , numenoreans were like just a hair above out , like they were the .
They were the blend of of elves and men , so they lived for like thousands of years and by the time of aragorn , there they've been , you know , they've been populating with normal ass humans and stuff , but they , they are a superhuman subclass of humans , do we ? Is he still in ?
He doesn't have any like supernatural powers per se , but he is just kind of the best version .
I think it might be . I think it might be on the line , I think . I think we have to rule them out . It's on the line , it would be it would .
It would be . It would come up a lot in in oh , in the papers about , about aravorn , okay , okay . Boromir , however , is just . He's the best version of a normal ass human being there might be like a drop of Numenorean in it somewhere but like not enough to not not that it'll show up on a doping test .
Do you think Boromir is fast ? That's my main question to you right now .
That's the issue . Boromir is not fast . He is . That's my main question to you right now . That's the issue . Boromir is not fast . He is stout , he is , he is stalwart , he is , uh , he is , uh , he is .
He's very like he's beefy and he's got stamina , but he is not all right sean bean's height is 510 , which is is more in line with second base shortstop for me , so he could be if we want to , because I feel like you need a lord of the ringers .
If we're going to include biff tannin and marty mcfly , you got to have someone from the fellowship there gotta have someone from the fellowship . You could , you and all them hobbits can't count , come on , they can't play ball .
No , no , oh , if . If we were going to include honest to god , if we were going to include anyone from lord of the Rings , anyone at all , my first inclination was to say Faramir Boromir's brother , because in the books they , they , they did him so dirty . In the movies Faramir is a ranger . What ?
about Legolas .
Legolas is an elf and they are . So you know how I was just talking about , how aragorn is just better . We got to stick to normal people yeah , elves , like I don't know , if you watch the scene where they're walking through the snow and legolas can just straight up like walk on top of snow . Like he is , he can see 200 miles , yeah or some shit .
Despite the curvature of the earth , like he is faster and stronger than any human being on earth . I got it . Hold on . That is Hold on .
I just want to confirm this real quick . Yep , we got it . I got our second baseman . Who's your second baseman ? Ethan Hunt Of Mission Impossible . Yes , tom Cruise is only 5'7" . He's historically quite short . He's notably short . That's a perfect second base height . I think he's a good hitter . I think he's fast , I think he's clever .
I think we put in Ethan Hunt at second base , okay , okay . So positions we have three spots remaining . Three positions remaining . They are Marty McFly at shortstop We've already decided Center field and the designated hitter , and I have an idea for the designated hitter and I think they could go seven or eight right now . Okay , apollo Creed .
Apollo Creed from Rocky .
Yes .
Yes .
He's jacked as shit .
Yeah , he's jacked as shit . I don't think he's particularly fast , necessarily , shit . Yeah , he's jacked to shit . I don't think he's particularly fast , necessarily , but he doesn't need to be . He's only the designated hitter . We just need him to do one job .
Smack that fucking thing yeah , yeah , no one one hundo so I'm gonna for right now I'm gonna put creed in at uh seven as dh we . Once we have complete lineup we can move it around . I think right off the bat I'm going to say we put McFly in at nine as our bottom hitter so to speak at shortstop .
Okay , so that means we need a center fielder , somebody who's semi-tall , ideally quite fast , probably the best fielder in the outfield Traditionally . They have a good on-base percentage and are a good hitter as well .
So let me hit you with this . This is the name because I think I started on this tangent where I said like , oh , faramir came to mind . I actually wanted to get to the one person I do want from Lord of the Rings . Oh , okay , in this lineup , yes , someone . So you're telling me a good fielder . So they're fast .
They're the person making like when someone bashes the brains out of a ball and it's going like . They're the person we're relying to . You need to thread this needle .
Centerfield has yeah , centerfield has the most ground to cover .
You have the most ground to cover you have the most ground to cover needs like , like those dramatic moments where we're like oh , it's going out .
Yes , oh , he's climbing the wall . He took it back okay that's .
That's what you want in a centerfielder the out of nowhere , the holy shit , they did it , matthew . Imagine the fucking drama I will as soon as you give me a name when , when , when it's a pop , fly out to fucking , like like it's going to the wall . We see , we see this new , this new player in the lineup , um , whose jersey just says dirnhelm it .
And they're running for the walls and they jump , they catch it . People should be like , oh my God , who is he ? What kind of man ? And that's when she takes off her ball cap and throws it to the ground and says no man , am I Nice , eowyn ? Am I Eowyn's daughter ? You stand between me and my team in victory . I like it .
Eowyn is my favorite character from lord of the rings . Eowyn is a fucking badass warrior , has like spent most of her life . She's like I know I can do . She is like the devil . She's like fucking put me in . And they're like no , sorry , we can't . No girls in baseball . Blah , blah , blah , blah .
And then she just fucking shows up mulan's it in there and takes the game by storm . She's our dark horse , she's our ace in the hole . She is fast , she is swift , she is a mighty warrior . She stood against the Witch King of Angamar and slew him with the help of a hobbit .
She is only 5'5" , miranda Otto . However .
Miranda Otto may be 5'5" , but Eowyn is of the Rohirrim . They are a tall people .
Okay , all right , so we're allowing the character's height to be played . Oh , got to , got to . Okay , great , in that case , I think I'm pretty happy with this ragtag group . Just to go it at third base here . You know what Actually can I get some quick baseball music , excellent , leading off .
Today , at third base , it's Jack Dawson batting , second the catcher , din Jarin , also known as the Mandalorian crowds , cheering .
No , no Bando .
Batting third the left fielder , casey Jones At first base , your cleanup hitter today , Donnie Bear . Jew Donowitz In right field . Batting fifth Biff Tannen . At second base , it's Ethan Hunt .
They play the Mission Impossible theme over . The speakers Got to .
The designated hitter batting seventh , apollo Creed . Batting eighth the center fielder , the shield maiden of Rohan , it's A-Wing . And batting ninth , the shortstop , martin McFly .
That's the power of love , absolutely , there's your power of love , absolutely there's your .
And just for fun , we got to throw in a pitcher .
Oh , we got to have a pitcher , Matt .
Who is the starting pitcher for this ragtag ?
group of individuals we need I want to say this too we need a pitcher , and we need a coach and a manager . We need a pitcher and a manager . I think this is going to be the only question we do . This is probably the only question we do today .
It's the only question that matters . It's the only question that matters , um so okay , so the the manager . We'll get to the manager the picture we need a good pitch .
So , matt I and and this is not me being like trying to be cute , obviously like for a good pitcher , what qualities are we looking for ?
well , can throw ball good , can throw ball real good , real fast can throw ball different ways , different ways , but but as long as the ways they can throw the ball are really good , you can get away with a couple mad at all . A starting picture , I'd say , should have at least minimum three pitches that they can rely on .
I think I got one . Okay , the pitcher steps up to the plate or gets on the mound . Gets on the mound , sorry . Steps up to the mound , yeah . And he's doing the pitcher thing . He's watching , he's analyzing , he's looking at every detail of the man at bat . He's like trauma on the fourth knuckle , signs of injury . Fuck it , fuck it . Uh .
Sunlight , 45 degrees in the .
I already know what you're doing sherlock fucking homes .
Yeah , but you , you're saying it with the rdj .
Uh , oh , yeah rdj sherlock comes , but I'll take classic dumb . Hat Sherlock Holmes the fact ?
that you've . It's been like two episodes in a row , or three episodes in recent memory , where you've mentioned RDJ Sherlock , and the fact that that's your default Sherlock Over Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Is offensive to me .
Okay , well , seeing as how the later seasons of Sherlock went , not that offensive .
I don't know what you're talking about . The last season's the only semi-offbeat season . Every single season's a masterclass of .
Sherlock Agreed for the large part BBC'd , bbc'd the shit out of Sherlock where it started so fucking strong . In the last season it was like eh .
Okay , regardless .
Irregardlessly Between those Sherlock's .
I think RDJ's very noticeably ripped . Sherlock .
Yes , he's the most athletic bare-knuckle boxer .
Which , I will point out , is canonically a trait of Sherlock Holmes .
Yeah , like people tend to forget that Sherlock Holmes could is a brawler as well . Yeah , could kick the shit out of it .
I'm good , I'm very good with RDJ's homes being our starting picture . Yeah , so we need a manager . And what didn't you say ? There's somebody else you wanted . Uh , did I we could have a closer ? Well , we'll put in the closing picture as well . Okay , we'll put in the closing picture as well . Okay , closing picture . You want them coming in hot ?
Ideally , they get three outs and they're done . That's what you want . You want your Mariano Rivera .
The closer .
The closer . Okay , to shut the door on this bad , bad mamba jamba . What you thinking ? Here's what I'm trying to do right now . I'm trying to picture who I see like actor , wise , standing on a mound and like working my way back from that . They're an intent .
Also , you , you kind of want your clothes to have an intimidating factor as well , I mean an intimidation factor yeah , I mean . So the thing like to use mariano rivera , the greatest closer of all time from the Yankees . Mariano only had one pitch a cutter . You knew it was coming and you knew he was going to strike you out . That's his mystique .
The mat Matt .
Yeah , yeah , go for it .
So we want mystique , maybe we want intimidation .
We want intimidation for sure . Mystique optional .
We want intimidation for sure . Mystique optional Matt .
I want someone that when they're calling him out of the bullpen , the batter is shitting himself , and that is what you want and that is traditionally what you try to market your closer as A lot of closing themes . The Orioles right now have the whistle from Omar from the wire as their clothes are coming in .
Yep , mariano came into Metallica's Enter Sandman , so you want it to be a show .
Yeah , the show will be . They see Sherlock coming off the plate . They see Sherlock coming off the plate and then , when they bring out their closing picture , the bat signal Bruce Wayne , batman , mere mortal , no supernatural abilities .
He has no superpowers .
Peak human abilities . Got the analytical mind of Sherlock Holmes , has the raw power of decades of martial arts experience .
He will ruin you . And in this circumstance , Eric , I have a specific Batman in mind . Ooh , which one ? Which one ? Christian Bales . Christian Bales , I think he is . If I'm a batter , I'm putting up the big five of the Batman in front of me . I think he has the most intimidating stare .
He does he does Adam West , batman would make an amazing coach .
Possibly , possibly .
Clooney and Kilmer would make incredible hitters .
Yeah , I see them more hitters than pictures Keaton Keaton . I'm not more hitters than pictures Keaton Keaton , I'm not sure about .
Keaton and Keaton . Oddly enough , keaton's my favorite Batman .
I think he is the best Batman but I don't think he's the most transferable in the series . No , no , no , no , no . I don't know why he's jumping to mind for the coach Keaton . No , no , I stand by , I think , christian .
Bale's the best . I noticed that we're not even considering Affleck or Pattinson , and and I haven't I actually have not seen Affleck's Batman um , I've seen , I've seen Pattinson . Pattinson did a good job .
I do want . I haven't seen it yet , I do want to . I've been bullying Lindsay into watching this film for quite some time and we haven't done it's good , I hear um , but yeah , uh , bail , bail batman .
Uh , yeah , it's good , especially because he's in such a he's not running fucking anywhere for the closer . I want bail batman specifically I don't know why you hear the entire crowd chanting swear to me , or or they , as , as he's stepping up to the plate , they all start doing I think that's so dope . Yeah , that would scare the shit out of me Absolutely .
A whole stadium getting involved with that .
You hear Bane . Bane is now catching behind . He says when I first played baseball .
I was already a man .
We didn't have automated strike zones when I was a boy .
They were nothing but blinding . I think President Jed Bartlett as the coach , I like a lot , president Jed .
Bartlett .
Westwinger . Oh good , lord President , jed Bartlett West Winger . Oh good lord , oh , hands down .
Hands down . Yes , yes , yes , yes , yes . Just because that , yes , it just hits so hard .
for me , it's a sheen . It's a sheen and that's who I want in a leadership role .
Yeah you gotta have , you don't want him near the finances . You don't want him near the finances , you don't want him near anything , you just want him in leadership . Well , martin Sheen .
I do . Oh , martin Sheen . If we could somehow get Martin Sheen to run for president entirely in characters Jed Bartlett , I would 100% authentically vote for him . All right . So we went above and beyond . We got the whole lineup . We got a starting picture , a closer and a manager Eric . I think we've done good .
What's the name of the team ?
What's the name of the team ? Well , we're talking about movies the Buffs , the Buffs . Nah , stupid , stupid , I was going off movie buffs .
Oh , but it doesn't work .
It doesn't work .
The Squonks , the squonks , the squonks , the squonks , the kirkland squonks , the kirkland squonks , kirkland squonks . We have made a baseball team . We made we did it ? Um , we have spent so much time on this episode I I authentically think that can be the only question yes , and it was worthy enough to take up the whole thing .
It was especially because we're going into round two of season five of Google gripes now , which is still movie themed , just like season four . So what's going to happen here ? We've got this lovely , lighthearted game where we give real one-star Google reviews of well-known movies to one another . The other person has to guess . Round one spoiler alert ended in .
If you need to go back , if you don't want to be spoiled , this is your chance to pause A 2-2 draw . Yep , so we are essentially starting fresh in round two , but it is to Matt , to Eric . Now Eric this is a very special round of Google Gripes because last episode's guest , Juniper , Sir Juniper , submitted . This is the very first time .
Oh yeah .
Somebody submitted to us . They they requested can I submit a movie for google gripes along with reviews ? She did do that and I'm gonna do it first . Now I have to say , juniper , I'm gonna have to put an asterisk here because your reviews did come from rotten tomatoes and technically not from Google , but that's okay .
But , matt , I'm looking at , I'm actually reviewing the bylaws of Google Gripes . Yes , I am as well A guest submittal . It is not unheard of to do guest submittals to Google Gripes . We have in the past , when we were doing locations , had to augment Google reviews with .
Yelp reviews .
I did that in season one , I believe .
I've done it from time to time too , and it is perfectly acceptable . And so for that reason , I'm going with . Juniper gets Knight's Privilege 100% she does . And so I'm going to go with two of her reviews and I have one from Google , just to check the box and put a little bit of effort into my own submissions . How's that sound ?
A modicum of effort is the hallmark of our show .
All right , eric , I've got three reviews ready to go . Let's do this . And , by the way , I couldn't decide easiest and hardest on these three films , so I'm not sure they're in that order .
I want you to know that .
I appreciate you , I see you and I value you . I couldn't decide , so I was like you know what ? This is the order . I'm going to start with Junipers and then we'll go from there . Okay , all right , are you ready ? Yes , first film , first review . A long , slow trudge to nowhere , cleverly wrapped in the shroud of a faux Zen master . Okay , okay .
Review number two Hated the whole thing . Unfunny film about a dirty , lazy slob calling himself Blank , who swears incessantly and gets into some unfunny scrapes involving a kidnap , only plays Skittles as an interest . No doubt he's the type of person many fans of this genre will aspire to be like . What a sad reflection . Okay , okay , and this is the third review .
This one is from Google . This is the one I put in .
Okay .
Torture the entire time I was watching it . One I put in Okay , torture the entire time I was watching it . I was hoping for it . I was hoping it for to come to an end . You see how I got crossed up there . Yes , yes , I love the directors , but judging from their standard of filmmaking , this is the worst film they have ever made .
Comedy is not their forte .
My guess is that then , when they said skittles , they meant to say bowling , and I'm gonna say the big lebowski eric , you nailed it it's the big lebowski .
Let's not beat around the bush oh , that was good .
Those were good that that was throwing me for a minute there .
And then it was like brother .
I was like , what Coen movie is this Exactly ? And then I was like the Skittles threw me .
And I didn't even say brothers , I said directors , oh , directors , although technically Joel Coen is usually always credited as the director . But it's an academy thing that they do that for . Oh , those were great reviews those are great reviews , wild uh , we do have a bonus review from juniper oh , hit me with it . If I could give .
This isn't from juniper , I'm saying it's one . She included lebowski bad , bad movie . If I could give this movie negative five stars , I would the current rating 80% , and I believe that this is a disservice to the general public and Congress must take action .
If I had the choice of watching this movie or having to put down ten dogs , I would choose the dogs every time . It's not even bad in a funny way , but bad in the most boring way possible , and all you can think of is how much better your life would be without wasting two hours of your life Jesus Christ .
What condition is this guy's condition in ?
Ah , you're telling me . First of all , and I always feel I have to say this because we do not , almost , almost , I don't . I would think if it was ever untrue , we would point it out .
But I think it's a universal fact that we do not agree with the assessments of the films we've done . No , we love every single one of these movies we're bringing up ?
Yes , so every one of these sparks rage within me . This is insane , because anyone who doesn't understand why the Big Lebowski is a great film is a fucking idiot . And to call the coen brothers comedy is not their forte wild take . Are you telling me you think fargo is devoid of laughs ? Yeah , that , no country is devoid of laughs .
What are you talking about ?
like burn after , like everyone after . Reading is hysterical . Yeah , it's one of the funniest movies . What have we learned ? What have we learned ? What have we ? One of my favorite scenes in a movie ever . Actually , it's just , uh all right .
Are you ready for your second movie ? I am ready . You've taken the real . The real time table is updated three to two . Air , let's fucking go . One of the times where imdb failed me totally . Overrated just reinforces the fact that oscars is just an award for the most boring movies in the world . Just sat through all that blood and gore for nothing .
What a waste of time .
Okay , oscar , oscar , either winner or nominee . Blood and gore . Okay , continue .
I hate because the demon murders people . Blank . That is why the FBI speak to him . I do not know he would just lie . Hard labor is what Blank requires . Movie flows well , good fun and Satanan , the serial killer , is killed . Agent girl fbi requires three partners . A group of four fbi agents gives safety .
Five stars for movie success , one star for reality , okay . Okay , you got one more review , but it seems like you could be ready to guess got something brewing , but we'll see all right third review people say title of movie is a good movie , but after seeing the cum scene I immediately stopped watching .
What a mess uh , I will say the cum scene clenched it for me . Silence of the lambs eric . Very good , it is silence of the lambs .
I thought the come scene inclusion would either clinch it or throw it throw me completely yep yep , because it all depends on if you remember a certain five seconds of that film the five seconds that everyone loves to talk about . Oh man To think there's a single person in this world that doesn't like Silence of the Lambs . It's incredible .
Well , eric , you are two for two in today's four total points for you right now . Okay , going into your final review , your final film ? Okay . First review . I hate this movie with my heart and soul and other pieces of flesh . The best character in this movie is the guy who wants to be mayor .
We see him struggle as he works as a waiter at a bar , but he has hope . And I was hoping that my boy , the best character , would be mayor at the end . But we didn't see him , not even in a newspaper . What did they do to my boy ? I will never be the same . The best character in any piece of art got treated so wrong .
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven . Crying face emojis . My mom just told me that we see him at the beginning of the movie .
Oops , still mad though okay , uh , yeah , perfect honesty . Have nothing so far so great ?
uh , okay , number two . We are aware that you are using ai to track time . We will only say this germs . I don't believe in germs . Sorry , we can't say more . What the fuck matt ? And finally , review number three . Why are you yelling Calm down ? Oh my God , I am surprised , eric . I thought for sure you'd get this real quick . Oh , okay , is this ?
I see him cooking .
Someone who wants to be . Is this Back to the Future ? Future ? I don't know is this your final that is my final answer , because that is the only thing that I think I can . Mayor , mayor goldie wilson . Mayor goldie wilson fucking almost threw me because I'm like what fucking ?
I was like someone this invested , like that's why I put it first , because I was like if that was so well done . I was like so many of these reviews there . It was so hard to pick reviews for back to the future so many are making it very clear it's back to the future dead giveaway .
yeah , because I was like , if I mentioned time travel , if I mentioned a car , if I mention time travel , if I mention a car , if I , you know , if I mention anything related to getting with one's mom , you picked because I think at one point I actually tried to do Back to the Future for you .
but I was looking at the reviews like there's nothing here and Eric you picked gold .
Looking at the reviews , like there's nothing here and eric , you picked , you picked . I figured that you would want to do back to the future at some point , so I said I'm gonna do it before he can get to it .
And what almost fucked me is my brain did that thing because , if you'll recall from this season , on the last episode yes , well , also from this season , I picked a movie we had already done . Yeah , I know . Um . So I was like my brain was like there's no movie we had already done , yeah , I know .
So I was like my brain was like there's no way we haven't done Back to the Future . And then I was like I even remember I was like , but have we ?
No we haven't . No , we haven't . No , we have not , just wasn't thinking fourth dimensionally .
Well , eric , you were not , and this episode has truly gone completely off the rails , completely off the rails . So I think it's about time that we wrap this sucker up , unfortunately , but this was a delight , this was an absolute delight . This movie , baseball team and this here , google gripes . So you do get a perfect round .
You finish round two with five total points , so five to two , before I do my second round , which will be next episode . Until then , we do need your questions , yes , so submit them to us . You didn't ask for this at gmailcom , that is all spelled out . But you can reach us on the socials at you didn't ask pod , that's the letter . You didn't ask pod .
Instagram's the letter . You didn't ask pod . Instagram threads , sort of blue sky , sort of mostly instagram is our main thing these days . Uh , also on tiktok um , we'll get some . We'll get some content up there sooner rather than later , but uh , simply , I'm simply too busy to put together these film clips , if I'm being totally honest .
But we'll get to it , we'll get to it . So do that and , if you wouldn't mind , join our Patreon , eric .
Oh my God Gang , for no other . You get a lot of stuff with us . Patreon , yeah , but for no other reason . Give us the one fucking dollar , just so you have access to the discord and you can give yourself access to the discord yeah , really the ass it , it , it's so fun in there are .
We have this like sweet little community of weirdos and they're beautiful and we love them and uh yeah , for a dollar a month you get access to the discord . For four dollars a month just a hair more than a moon pie you get access to the Discord . You get access to monthly bonus content in the form of oops , all tangents .
Your house did the oops thing too , kind of All tangents .
And you get 20% off of all Yadaf merchandise in the merch store .
Absolutely Patreoncom slash . You didn't ask for this , all spelled out . So give us a follow , subscribe and give yourself the gift of more of these two idiots , yeah , but also the gift of all your Yadaf giant comrades in the Discord . We're having a great time , yeah , and that'll about do it for this episode of you . Didn't Ask For this .
My name is Matt Shea , my name's Eric Poach and listen , you didn't ask .
But here she comes , folks , our center fielder , stepping up to the plate . It's Eowyn , daughter of Eomond . You stand between her and her . Lord and kin Be gone . If you be not deathless For living or dark undead , she will smite you if you touch her .
And I'll tell you what she really can fill out those baseball pants . Am I right there , chip ?
Oh golly she's got the role here a minute today folks Absolutely .
And you know what ? When she swings that bat , I swear it's like the rolling thunder coming across a crimson summer sky .
Or like the grass plains of Rohan , give it up for this would-be , should-be daughter of Theoden .
Absolutely . Oh , and she's laid down a bunt . How unfortunate . What a bad spot for a bunt . Never a bad spot for a blunt , however , never a bad spot for a blunt Chip Smoke him if you got him folks , Thank you .