"It's Hard To Walk Away When You're A Gang Leader" - interview w/ Rocky Vasquez

Do you, wanna share maybe like a short

But, uh, hey, I enjoy where God has me right now and, and, uh, just know doing what he did to me to do.

So, you know, growing up there, man, in, in this was, I was born in 1965, so I grew up in the seventies. Those were my pre-teens and my teen years in the seventies. And so I remember a lot going on there, but, you know, it wasn't the best of places back then. It was, uh, dangerous just as it's today. But I remember as a kid, man, um, just a lot of, a lot of, a lot of turmoil going on around the neighborhoods.

You didn't have to go out looking for, you know, for the gangs or you didn't have to go out looking for, uh, you know, mischief anywhere because it was right there in front of you, walked front, you know, right there. But, um, you know, I grew up with my mother, mother and, um, three other siblings. Most of my years without a father didn't, didn't have dad I, my life a stepdad in out of our lives. And, and, uh, but he was there, but he wasn't there. You know what I mean?

Okay. He wasn't, he wasn't investing as a father Yeah. Know. And, um, so really basically he was absent. So, I mean, you think about that, man, I grew up in the hood. No father, no positive role model, because the only thing that was around there were the gangs and drugs and no, God, we had no God in our, in our lives. I mean, we grew up, you had traditional Catholics, but no relationship. Yeah. So, you know, that's a, a recipe really for disaster, man.

Yeah. You know, no father, no, no role model. No God, it was almost like I was destined to go do something, you know? Um, contrary to, to, you know, the ideal that parents want for their children. Right. But, um, yeah. You know, I was just like any other kid, Omar. Yeah. You know, I had, you know, I goals. Um, I always wanted to be a writer, you know, but I remember somewhere probably around, uh, nine, 10 years old, I started asking questions about my father.

Okay. And I would, I would ask my mom, you know, you know, who's my dad? Where's my dad? How come he's not in my life? You know, et cetera. Right. And, um, she would kind of just try to brush it off, you know, I'm your mother and your father. Yeah. You know, it sounds good then. Right, right. I think, I think it either pacified me then, but you know, today we know better. A mother, a mom, a female, could never take the role of a father. Yes. You know, mom could never be dad Right.

Only a male could. Anyways. I was, man, you bro felt I something was on my end, you know? So, um, I think that was the beginning of my, of my quest of, uh, of a father figure. Okay. And I just couldn't, I couldn't get it, man. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that, you know, I had no dad in my life right now. Uh, I remember, yeah, go ahead bro.

But I think even more than that, Omar, it wasn't just because I saw other, some of my other friends that had dads, you, I think probably most of us had, if we did have a dad, he was, you know, he stuck out anyways, you know, so back in those days, man, we all were, were coming up with no, uh, father figure with no good, uh, positive influence, you know? But I think more than that, I think this was internal and I don't know where it came from, but on the inside of me, man, I just yearned.

I knew something was wrong, but I thought something was wrong with me, you know? Yeah. And I. I loved sports, man. I loved baseball. I started playing, uh, baseball at Harrison Park. Yeah. And, um, you know, as I was playing baseball, man, I would just see other things around, around me, you know, like the gang and, and, uh, you know, the crowd and all the girls were hanging around, you know, those that were popular.

And, you know, man, little by little I start looking, you know, towards, towards the gangs and, and towards the crowd, if you'll, you know, and again, just like any kid, man, I mean, I was a good kid. Yeah. But somewhere around, along the, the road there, I began to make some bad decisions. You know, I was looking for the right thing, right, right. Looking for love, you know, looking to fit in, looking to belong, looking to be accepted.

So I was looking for the right thing, but I was looking for it to the wrong place. Yeah. I was looking for it in the wrong people, you know, because really I shoulda have been getting that at home, you know? Yeah. I should have been finding my identity at home, you know, and I think, you know, today, man, I think, um, you know, it, it makes, it ought to make us think men as males, and especially influential in. Man, it's just there, man.

You, you, your children need you, you know, your children have that father, father, daughter, mother, son, mother, daughter relationship. And it's always a healthy, it, usually, not always, but it's always a healthy, um, atmosphere when you have both mom and dad, you know, raising the children together. It's just, it just completes the unit, you know, the way that God intended it to be.

But, you know, growing up without God and, and my, my mom obviously didn't know God, so she didn't know how to, you know, really be a mom. She didn't know how to really, uh, stay with one man, you know? Yeah. So, um, again, man, I just think that was a recipe for disaster.

So, you know, I started getting curious with the gangs around me, and then some of my family were involved and, you know, in the gangs when, when, and I started, um, I got involved in the gangs about 12 years old and, uh, growing up right there, as I said, on 18th, um, my mom then moved forward like on 21st, 21st, and we lived there for years. So when I became, when I got in, were involved.

We had this little, this little group, you know, babies Satan Disciple, man, we just thought we were the baddest kids on the block. But I mean, you could just hear that, you know, hear that in the name baby Satan Disciples, you know? Yeah. We wanted to be grown, but yeah, we were just babies, man. Yeah. And we were just following the wrong, you know, the wrong path. So, um, you know, during that time, 18th, I think the only, uh, there was like two blocks there of, of sds.

There was no SDS on 19th, no SDS on 21st, on 22nd, but there were some on 23rd in Oakley. But when we, my mom moved the 21st and, um, you know, we became Baby Disciples man, we kind of took that, we took that over. It took a little while, but we took, we took it over and then, um, you know, we had friends kind of scattered out. I had a, a buddy of mine living on 22nd right across from Surmac, and we kind of took that over, had a buddy living on 19th and Horn, and we would hang out there.

We kind of took that over. So, you know, fast forwarding, man, we kind got all that neighborhood and we were basically running, running that whole area from 18th and um, Western to 18th and Damon to 26. And eventually, I mean, it took, it took some time, but, um, you know, again, I think the, one of the worst things that, that, uh, could, I could have done is look for love, look for acceptance in the wrong places. Right. Yeah. Now,

Lemme back up just a little bit because about the age of 13, was my first time I got locked my first time that I was introduced to the system. And back in these days, man, there was, uh, there's a lot of people getting killed, man. And we would literally, my group of friends and I would literally walk, you know, down the street and we would pick up, I dunno if you're, if you're, uh, old enough to remember the West side times, but we would pick up the west side times.

It was a community newspaper that would every week. And we would pick up the west side times and we would open up and we, we would look just to see if we knew who got killed that week, because that's how bad it was. And, um, I remember I was, um, I had just walked my girlfriend home. My girlfriend lived on, uh, 19th Cullerton and I had a gun on me. I was 13 years old. I was walking home and man, police came outta nowhere and they stopped me.

I, I mean, I shoulda ran, but I didn't, and I kind of froze, you know? Yeah. But they came, man, they started searching me and I got, I had this. But, you know, looking back, man, I was just a scared kid, man. So I got locked up. I got locked up about for three days. But that certain day, you know, I just happened to have my gang t-shirt on, so I had my gang t-shirt on, which wore, you know, colors. I had my little devil front. And so I got a lot of stuff just like that.

So when I went in there, I mean, uh, I wish I could tell you, hey, I was afraid, I was scared, but I wasn't. Right. You know, I went in there, I went in there, man, I started busting, you know, my gang signs and, you know, got into some fights and just within those three days and, and, um, so, but that was the beginning. That was the beginning of a revolving door for me of being, you know, going in and outta the system, going in and out of the juvenile system.

Now that I like being locked up, of course not. I mean, who does? Right? Right. But I was making decisions. I was making poor decisions that, you know, I knew, you know, where it was gonna end up at. But, um, you know, I always said, to, to the group of kids that we would, that we would hang around with together, you know us than. But you know what? I was the first up. Yeah. So, um, now I'm gonna fast from 13 years. Okay. Um, so I got locked up again.

Uh, I got locked up, uh, first degree murder. Um, the system wanted to charge me as an adult to which they, they won. I mean, but I wanna paint a picture for you. Yeah, go ahead. I mean, you and I are older now, looking back. We look at, we look at the kids today that are coming up. Paint this picture. You have have, I was probably 90 pounds bro. Skinny kid.

Yeah. 16 years old and thinking I was, you know, this, this tough guy that no one could stop, you know, um, getting locked up, you know, for first degree murder. And I wanted them to charge me with as an adult because I was hoping that I can get out. And, uh, so, you know, I'm in a juvenile system and obviously you have until you turn right. So I'm going to court from juvenile system, you know, being shackled and being chained around my, you know, my.

It's ugly picture for a a 90 pound 16 year old kid, you know, waiting for his 17th birthday. He transferred over to the adult system while that they came. And I remember, uh, them, you know, the, the attendants, you call them attendant, they were basically guards. Yeah. Guard the juvenile system you call them at. They come banging on my door, Hey, uh, pack your stuff. Happy birthday, you're gonna the big house. Happy birthday. I kind of, yeah. You know, I wish I was scared.

I was, I was afraid, but I was, I wasn't afraid. Take that step up. You know what I'm saying? I dunno. I, I just thought maybe I was good enough with my hands. I was good enough, tough myself. So, well, yeah, I'm, man, I tell you, the first day, going through the, through that process, man, I had people throwing up their gang signs and I'm throwing down their gang. I didn't know.

Yeah. Okay. I'm going in there from wild juvenile system to what I didn't know, cook County jail with a little bit more structured. Gotcha. So when I went in disrespecting. They're representing me and I'm throwing their stuff down. But when I gotta, where I was going, man, the, you know, the, we call them folks, you know the brothers? Yeah. Um, and yeah, they, they, uh, you know, they wanted to violate me, man. I'm like, man, for what?

Yeah. You know, you're disrespecting, you know, this guy, whoa, wait a minute. You know, they came to me with that, you know, when they came to me, I reacted, I responded. Anyways, again, I did not know that it was more structured there, but I'm giving you my, my, um, I'm giving you where my mind was at, bro. Yeah. You know, just a wild kid, man. I didn't care. You, you, you know what

You could kind of figure it out, you know, figure out these guys kind of hang out the black with the black, Hispanic, with Hispanics, and little white people were there, which wasn't many, but, um, that's kind of how it was in, in some, uh, cases. And, uh, anyways, there was two dudes, man. Um, I'm not gonna call them by name, but Right. These two dudes, they weren't enemies of mine. They were like in the same, under the same, uh, affiliation, which is folks.

Yeah. But man, these guys thought they were bad, bro. And they always, you know, had some kind of chaos, you know, going on. And nobody was willing to stop them. Nobody was willing. And I would, man, I would step up, bro. I would step up and, you know, do whatever. I remember stepping up for, uh, it was Spanish at the time, and Spanish Lord are our enemies of disciples, you know? Right. They're, they're just bullying people.

Yeah. And then also too, because he was Hispanic, like, man, you know, in my, in my mind I'm thinking, man, this dude, you know, obviously didn't wanna fight, obviously didn't wanna get in trouble, et cetera. Anyways, I'm getting into it with these dudes, man. And, um, so they kind of kept their distance for me, you know, but at the same time, they were still being chaotic, you know, on the unit. But you know what, I knew that my 17th birthday was coming up and I just waited though.

I waited, I waited till we get locked up there, we go into the cells about 9:00 PM So I waited till about 8 45, 8 50. So one of the guys was sitting, um, he was sitting on the wall, the attendant or the guard, because he was acting up. They made him sit on the wall and he had to face the wall. And that was a punishment, right? Yeah. So, so he was like right in the middle of the building.

So you have like what's called the day room where the TV room is at, and then if you have to use the bathroom, you have to walk down that hall where he's sitting. But I already had it in my mind. This was all planned out, you know, it was gonna happen. It was just, it happened perfect that night. This guy was, I go to the restroom. He, yeah. And then, uh, you, as I'm walking, I told dude, I said, Hey, wanted some respect.

He, yeah, man, I just started ling on him and we fought bro, and broke it up, threw me in. Cell, didn't come out until the morning where they shipped me off to Right. To cook again. That's how wild it was. So now here's the transition from, yeah, yeah. That was my night. You know what I'm saying? That was my night. So here's my morning going into the Cook County.

Again, have no clue what the atmosphere is like inside, but we have to understand that, uh, have, are 18, 19, 20, 21, usually the school probably up 20 years, and then 21 and up are with, you know, the bigger, uh, the bigger, uh, age group, you know? Right. It could be anywhere 80 years old if, if they chose to. But, uh, it's structured now. The gangs, the gangs in inside the county and the prisons, it's structured. So we, we kind of hold, hold ourselves a little bit more. Uh, high class if.

Able something. Don't just do something willynilly. Because if you react willynilly, you know it's gonna be, you're the one that's gonna get the end of the stick.

Yeah. So, um, so it's structured in that sense that there's rules and we, we, you know, we have a consensus where, you know, the gangs, uh, I don't know how many people understand this, a terminology, but you have all these different gangs and they're mainly Hispanic gangs and, you know, you could be two, six and Ambrose or, or, um, Hispanic gang under the, the and s and the other ones that are affiliated under the six point.

So you all fall under the same affiliation, even if you're fighting on the streets, that's story. Yeah. But anyway, fall under that S leader, you. And anything goes wrong. You act wild, you crazy, you know you're gonna get dealt with. Yeah. But, uh, you know, that day I didn't know that, which is why that's the way, you know, they came at me because, you know, I was disrespected because I felt like they were disrespecting me, you know, coming to me like that.

But, so that's what we mean by, um, you know, being more structured. It's, it's not, you just don't do what you wanna do. Right. You got rules, uh, to follow. You got a structure to follow. And even way, as far as being so structured that if you didn't have a high school diploma, you were forced to go to school no way. By the gangs. You know, they wanted Yeah. Get outta here. They wanted you to get your education. So that's the structure it was.

And if you prison and you didn't have an education, you're gonna get your education. Wow. That, that's one

I never met my dad, Omar, but I did hear who he was and I heard stories and I heard reputation. My dad was one of the original Ambrose. Okay. His name was Mag and Ambrose know their history. They wouldn't know my dad's name, my dad, kind of like a big shot there. Okay. But, um, you know, I was hurt. Again, I'm going back to, to the fact that I was hurting as a son that's missing his dad, you know, that doesn't have that connection, that doesn't have that relationship. That's what I thought.

What was wrong with me on the inside me, you know? Yeah. Um, at that time and, uh, a lot of anger, uh, built up in me, man. And I was just, I was just angry. I was, uh, I became very violent. I thought, you know, the answer to my problems were, you know, violence. Yeah. And, um, you know, I would fight basically anybody, man, I. Way to handle businesses by is by making sure people respected me, you know?

Yeah. And I think I gotta, a place where, uh, my reputation was, was, uh, people respected me. People at some point years later feared me. Um, you know, I'm not, I'm not happy about that today, obviously. Um, I don't glorify that. I'm glad that you prayed that prayer, because I almost didn't even wanna come on the show because I, I don't like going back to that. Right. I don't like talking about me, you know what I mean? I rather talk about him.

Yes. God. But, um, but yeah, that's, that's where I was at, man. And, you know, I was hurting man. And, and I did, I did at that time in the county jail, I did seek out God. I didn't know how to really, honestly. But I did seek him out. And I don't know if you ever heard of the name, Gordon McClain. Gordon McClain was, he was a minister that would, reach out to a lot of gang members. Okay. And at that time, Gordon McClain would come around and he would have bible study.

He was really, really in tune with the two six. And, um, I. Gordon had a a, he had a heart for the gang. It was like you, the two six were his, like favorite people that he would know, be around and, and minister. But it didn't matter what gang you were or where you came from. I mean, he was there. Just, he, a white dude, white man, older man. He was single. His story was that, uh, he was gonna get married, but he chose not to. He chose to sacrifice getting married opposed to serving God.

And that was his choice. And, uh, anyways, he was trying to get us in the Bible study, et cetera. And I did try, man. But you know, I I, I, I can't tell you if that ever really meant anything to me on the inside because there was really no connection. You know, I didn't stop who I, who I was, I didn't stop the way that I was. Now I'm thinking external, externally, you'll, you'll get what I mean as we go on. Yeah. But I was thinking externally, okay, you know, I stop this, I have to stop that.

I have gotta be the person in order for me to be with. Yeah. So, um, so. The first degree murder. Make a long story short, I was, you know, just 17, getting ready to turn 18, uh, was found guilty of, um, manslaughter. I was sentenced to 10 years. And, uh, man, I was mad though. I was, I was angry at the world. I came back from man, I mean, I was just so off.

And man, I, I, I just, you know, a chip on my shoulder, man, just waiting for someone to get in my face or daring somebody to try and knock this chip on my shoulder because I was just mad. I kind of felt like, you know, I was gonna be locked up for the rest of my life. Right? But, you know, understand, 10 years, you talked about five years. I was already locked up for a year. So at 16 years old. So for me as a kid, I'm thinking, man, all my, all my teens years are gone, right?

So within that same week, they, they moved me from where I was at. They put me in, uh, in division one, which is, maximum you 17 year old, you know? Then I probably wet you. I'm, that's the way they did it back then. They had to get you outta that, uh, area that you're, and they put you in security, which is, uh, I said, division one, and you have to stay there until Friday. Friday or the buses would come and they'll take you to, to the prison. So I had to stay there and wait.

And, you know, and again, man, I'm just in my mind, man, I'm just thinking, man, you know, I'm so, I'm so teed off, you know, I'm, I'm never gonna get out. I'm gonna be this age, you know, blah, blah, blah. Right. Just thinking about me. I didn't think about person that was dead, I didn't think about the family that were hurting over the person that was dead. I didn't think about my mom. You know, just think about me.

Yeah. And, and quite honestly, Omar, had I gotten out, had I gotten out, I would've went out and did the same thing. Yeah. Because there was no change in me, you know? Right. Nothing was changing. Nothing was connecting. I mean, it was about me. That's it. I was off because I got, you know, arrested and convicted. So here I'm, bro, I'm off to prison. They, back then they take you to, um, to Joliet. You gotta stay at Joliet for, you know, two months obviously. It's just crazy.

Yeah. The first prison my mom ever went to see me at was, was Joliet, you know, and I know broke her heart, man. Yeah. It broke her heart. And, uh, yeah, it me to think about all the, you know, the things that I put my mom through, even took me back in my mind, reminiscing about all the times, you know, her putting me, taking me on the, on the bus, the city bus, getting me to court and the juvenile system, and her telling me, you know, you don't know what you're doing.

You don't know what you're doing. To me, you know, I have to miss work to me to court. I mean, I was breaking my mom's heart over and over and over this time I really did it, you know? Yeah. Now I got 10 years, I gotta go do time in prison. And, you know, with the adults, that's what she was afraid of because I was just a skinny kid. Yeah. And she knew that I was gonna be around men, but my mom didn't know. I mean, she really didn't know that.

And people had to watch me, not me watch out for people, you know. Wow. So, um, anyways, I get, I get down there and, uh, I call my sister and my sister tells me my, uh, not my oldest sister, but the one under her. She says, Hey, we're. Bad boy. Tell brother what, uh, prison wanna ti Okay, yeah, sure enough called me. Okay. I said, well, you know, what's the well got you got Pontiac? I said, well, if you're gonna send me security, I don't care where you send me. To me, it doesn't matter. Right.

Can you believe that, Omar? Yeah. Man, you, that's crazy. It blows my mind. I, something like that today. But I did, I said, you know what? You send me to maximum Security, I don't care what you send me. Right. It doesn't matter. And I, I really meant it. I felt that. But the other thing too, I didn't really wanna say Pontiac, because guess what? They'll say you somewhere down there. Oh yeah. Oh, no way. All the guys are down there. No, I'm 50, man. If I go to Pontiac, I'm never gonna get out.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm gonna keep getting in trouble, you know?

The gang life, the gang lifestyle. Yeah. And I thought it was the norm because of where I grew up and, you know, family and my dad, and, you know. Yeah. And, uh, man, it just crazy, bro. Thinking about it now, looking back some of the things I did, some of the things I said, yeah. Like, you know, but anyways, you

And I think later in life, um, I kind of saw that a little bit more in my life. I guess I get to that, right. Uh, you know, as I move on.

And I did. And I did. You know, it turned out to be, um, the opposite gang. And man, we're just having words and I'm like, man, you know what? Let's meet me in the gym, man. Right? We can handle this in the gym. So we agreed he was gonna go to the gym. I was gonna go to the gym and we gonna do whatever it took. So when I got, when I gotta the gym, I dunno how, well, I guess it's pretty obvious how the word got out because this was in the chow hall was loud. People were hearing.

Yeah, well I didn't know that there was some other SDS there and I didn't know that. Even this place again, first time in prison, right? So I didn't know that even this place was structured. I had other people come to me, um, and one of the guys that were calling the shots there at the time was a Harrison Gent.. Okay? And I went to the gym. I'm thinking, man, it's gonna be, we're gonna fight with, and came to me, man, what? Talking don't. I said, what's up? Y'all got a problem?

And you know, from there it escalated. I said, man, you know what? I don't expect you to, uh, to get involved. You know, the only ones I expect to get involved on my behalf are the SD's I think, like two or three SD's I don't need none of you guys. But, you know, they talked me, uh, into being calm. Yeah. And then the, the dude on the other side, he's like, man, I can't do nothing because my guys won't lemme do nothing. Right. Even on their side. Yeah. It was structured.

So neither one of us could do anything. But anyways, this was something that I was learning Yeah. As I was going through the prison system that, you know, even there and, and, and then it was structured and you can't just react the way you normally would react. Hey, let's do this. You know? Right. You just, you just couldn't do that. Anyways, I stood there, bro for maybe about six months and they transferred me to, um, East Moline. Okay. Illinois. Yeah. Which was not too far from Chicago.

I was happy about that because I wanted, and at that time it was free movement, so this was, I was a minimum security. Yeah. And, uh, so yeah, went there. You got little pockets, of chaos here and there real quick. You know, people, bro, the administration gets wind. Anything that's going on, you're this troublemaker. They're gonna kick you outta that prison quick, you know, sent off to, to where you came from or to a maximum security. So my guys kind of kept me, me at bay, right?

Yeah. Because it, but I tell you what, Omar, like, especially in the minimum 1984. Yeah. Huh?

You know, and I didn't have, my family didn't have a whole lot of money. Right. You know, but my sister brought me, you know, some clothes and what she could and, and, uh, people had radios and TVs and I didn't have none of that, bro. Mm. My fa I didn't, don't come from a rich family, you know, or even a family that would understand, Hey, I locked up, you know, take care of me.

Yeah. But, uh, I think maybe that was why that year, 1984 was so long because it was a hot summer and I just felt like, man, this time is dragging. So, um, so yeah, I stood there, I stood, I was there till about 1986 and it got a little better. Time was going by a little quicker, you know, by, I was already growing, growing up by now. 19, uh, 86, no, I think, you know, probably the end of 85 had to be the winter of 85. Um, I was probably 19, 20 years old, something like that.

and it was, uh, there was gonna be a fight between one of my guys and somebody else. I remember walking my cell and seeing this and uh, I get in between and my, into the man, you know, the administration, they're going the hole. Yeah. You possibly prison. So I pushed dude in the, uh, in the bathroom and not realizing it. There was administration looking right down the hall and he saw me pushing dude in the bathroom. Right.

So, so they came and they got me and they got the other dude that was still in the hallway with me. They took me to the hole. And, well first of all, they're accusing me of fighting. I wasn't fighting. Right. I was actually trying to stop a Yeah, well who was the other person? I gonna give that information, you know, they wanted me to tell. Yeah, yeah. On dude who the other dude was. I'm like, man, I'm sorry.

Well, if you don't tell him you're gonna to the hole, and you're gonna possibly get outta this prison, do what you gotta do, man. So was, uh, that year, I don't know Omar, if you remember, um, you remember when the shuttle blew up? I was in the hole. I was watching that from the hole. Oh way. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Because back then my then, I had my color tv. Yeah. Uh, back then what they did that if you get, you get charge what I need, go through the, you get to keep everything that you have.

Oh, no way. The only time that they take it away from you is when you go through their system and you're found guilty. Then they go and you cell, they take away your tv, your, your cooking utensil, all these Right. All these other things. So, but I hadn't went to court yet. So I got, I saw that one morning when I walked up and I also, uh, saw the Bears Super Bowl. I dunno if you remember,

I was like, yeah, you know, I'm close to home. And, um, so I get to Dixon and, you know, some, you know, a lot of the guys are, are there, and Dixon's kind of, kind of sweet, you know, as far as you can move. And I was having a relationship with a lady officer there, man. Me. Sweet. You know, it was just the sweet, the sweet. They, they did me a favor by me, out to them. Yeah. So, um, but yeah, I ended up going the hole there too, because I, I got, uh, me and, uh, other guy, older guy.

Every year or so and see if they were gonna get out. Right. And, um, we smoking weed and, um, in his cell, I don't, I don't remember, I mean, so long ago. I don't remember if they came in, found a little or what have you. And, um, but I already, I had an out, you know, I knew when I was going home, he did not. Right. So I took the, I said, you know what, me, I did that, but I was told by the other, don't, don't drop tell you don't drop. Right. Again, first time locked up.

So I didn't really know the, you know, how, uh, all the ins and outs, what to dos and don't, but yeah. So yeah, they tried to gimme the drop and I, I refused. I said, I'm not gonna drop. Okay, well you gonna do 30 days And because they said drop and you get, uh, if it's dirty because dirty drop, then you get shipped outta there, you know? Right. Like, man, I don't wanna get shipped outta here.

So I refused, get the other guy in trouble, which I was glad that wasn't my whole reason why I took the weight, because I didn't want him to, um, get in trouble. I wanted him go home, you know? And, um, so yeah, man. So. It was on Saturday, but you know, they out that Friday, man, bro, after all those years did 16, here I'm coming out, you know, and, um, go back to the hood, you know, again, remember, this is all I know. So there was no God in my life, right?

There was no church, there was no religion, nothing like that. So I had, uh, a couple, a couple of the girls in the neighborhood, and my mom and my sister and one of the girls and my brother came, picked me up and brought me to the hood. And it was just crazy, man, because, um, by, by now, you know, the hood had gotten so big. Man, guys were Andy, where they, I remember them coming into the house, man, shaking my hand like, man, where'd all these dudes come from?

You know, he, this is the guys now. You know? Right. So it really grew, you know, and um, I'm thinking, man, where were all these guys when I was locked up? You know, how many of these guys sent me money? You know, and, but, you know, um, I sat into that, you know, I back into that, you know, here me, you know, bro. My ego, you know? Yeah. And I received all that. I, I took all that in and I was probably in one of the best shapes of my life, you know? Right.

And, um, yeah, man, I just picked up Omar, where I left off and, you know, my status, obviously my, my, my power grew. The hood, uh, grew. I ended up getting, well, my mother had me parole to Texas with her. So from there I had to come to Texas, but I didn't wanna be in Texas, ma. So I came out to Texas for like, uh, probably two months, three months maybe. And I told my parole officer, you know what? I need to go back to Chicago, man, send me back. And that's what I did.

So I went back to Chicago. So I did all this time. And again, lemme, lemme tell you what was going on internally. Yeah. I still knew something was not right. Somebody was not in my life. I'm thinking it was my dad. Right. You know, and I've been doing all that time, you know, I just wanted to play the field, didn't really wanna settle down with any females. So I was seeing different females and I kept telling myself, man, when I, that one, you know that one. But you think.

Me, you know, why don't you just get married and settle down? I mean, I'm sorry, not married didn't, why don't you a girl have settle down? Right. I mean, obviously I think about it then, but I think about it now when I became believer mentioned married. Right. You know, just get a girl and get her pregnant and you know, do what your dad did basically, you know? Right. So, um, yeah, I was just, you know, ready around.

Anyway, I met this girl, man, I, I really, I really liked her and she liked me. And I, I'm ready thinking, okay, well, you know, maybe I'll try to have a kid with this girl, you know? And I was, I was, I kind of wanted a kid, you know, because I was locked up all those years and all the guys would always talk about their, their kids, you know? And here I'm, I didn't have a kid. I was been locked up since I was 16. So, um, so I met this girl, man, and I did my homework, bro. I went to her hood.

She was from South Chicago. And uh, you know, I asked her, you know, how is she know she's not new? She ain't, you know, oh no, she's good. Blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, she's pregnant. And, uh, I had my son, Rocky, baby. Rocky. I called him Baby Rocky in January of 1989. And man, bro, I was in love with my son, Omar. I mean, just, you know, you see me, you see him, you see him, you see me, and we're just inseparable. And I was just crazy about my son.

But it sounds like a, obviously like a contradiction because I couldn't break free from the gang lifestyle. I couldn't break free from, you know, making money illegally. I couldn't break free from divided lifestyle that I lived. So, you know, how can I say I loved my son? Yeah. I mean, obviously I didn't, I didn't understand. I didn't get it. I wanted to be free from all that, but I didn't know how, you know, I wanted to be a good dad to my son, but I didn't know how, you know?

Um, and man, bro, things got worse, man. I was getting locked up. I mean, every, every time you turned the corner, man, I was getting up. But I tell you that, uh, during that time I was getting locked up After my son was born, I was praying and God help me out, help me out this Lord, and I'd go back to Joliet. I'd do about 40 days and get out. God, I, I changed. You know what? I didn't change. Nothing changed, right?

I got back, I left off and then, you know, I was getting locked up and every time I got locked up up two days. Get outta this man. When I get out, I'll get married because I wasn't married to Right. My son's mother, you know, and I just felt guilty. Something inside of me told me that that was wrong. Mm. And um, you, you,

I would, I would, uh, I'm not gonna say they were voices, but I would get these thoughts in my, in my head, I look at that, they looking at you crazy. You need to go over there to knock him out. And bro, I would've, these like arguments in my mind Wow. With this, with these thoughts. Yeah. Like, man, I'm not gonna go, you know, knock that dude out for no reason. Yeah. Oh man. He's scared. You're a punk man. Man, as soon as I heard that, bro, I put over there, knocked him out.

People that were there around me, like, man, why? What did you do? Why did you do that? I just walk away. And that happened several times, man. Not just one time, several times I didn't know it then. I know. Demon possess, bro. Yeah. Yes. Straight up demon. You getting me to do things that, you know, just to hurt people and, and uh, just get people to fear me and, and and whatnot, you know? Yeah. Um, but yeah, man, that's, that's exactly what was going on. So anyways, lemme get down.

Now I'm the end of, where, I started really, uh, thinking I God out. So I got my son now you love him. Crazy about him internally, man. I'm Omar. I'm sick and tired, honestly, man, being one of the leaders. I'm sick and tired of the guys coming to me and wanted me to fix everything. And, and I was sick and tired of, uh, making money the wrong way. Sick and tired of a violent life.

And, and you know, one of the things too that I didn't mention to you, Stuck up for my friends, you know, I always put my friends first or my guys first and, and never not realizing, you know, think about yourself too sometimes, you know? Right. And um, and a lot of times too, man, some of my guys couldn't fight. I would fight for them and some of my guys would be getting bullied. I would step in and, you know, save the day if you will, yeah.

And that carried on even in the prison system, I was doing that same thing, man, sticking up for people and, and getting in trouble for people and fighting for people because they couldn't fight, you know? And I learned some hard lessons because there was tired where there was riots, you know, in Cook County. And, you know, I thinking, Hey, my guys are gonna be here to help me fight, man, everybody's running. And they left, they left me there fighting by myself. That happened a few times.

So I kind was learning the hard way, you know, but I think the loyalty in me, man, just, you know, I just put the guys first. Man. That was my life, you know? That was, that was who I was. That was what I was. And, but at the time, I was tired, man. I was really tired, honestly. I was just, and I remember making a comment to my son's mother and I said, you know, I, what I. I, I, it's a tragedy for me to answer. And I would tell her that I, I, I was tired on the inside.

I felt like I had the world on my shoulders. I felt like there was so much anger built up in me. I wanted to be a dad to my son. Didn't know how I wanted to be husband, that we were shacked up, but I wanted to be a good, uh, other significant to, to my son's mother. I didn't know how, you know? And, what we did was we bought a candle. And every day, or every night, really, every night when I walked out the door, I hit the candle because I kind of felt like, you know, my number was gonna come up.

Mm. And sometimes I, I go out and I forget. I like the candle, man. I run back, I run back inside, light my candle and go back out. so I found out during this time I found out that the police were looking for me again. first murder. So I, my son, my son was probably a on. You know what, man? I was miserable, man. Miserable. Yeah. I was free still, you know? Yeah. I got my son, but I was miserable because still on the inside I was tired.

Yeah. I knew something was missing in my life, and then I got tired of running, you know, I didn't realize when I wasn't running, guess who was coming with me, me, you know? Really, I was trying to run away from myself. Yeah, yeah. And I was drinking a lot, man. I was thinking, well, maybe, uh, you know, my drinking would kind pacify the hurt and, you know, and the running from the police, but it only made matters worse, man, you know? And it was breaking my heart to see my son.

He kept asking for his mother, you know? Mm. Oh man. Just ripping me apart, bro. So finally, I made a decision to come back and by this time, my, my son's mother, she moved to Indiana, I think this was East Chicago, Indiana. And, you know, back then we didn't know much about East Chicago, Indiana. Right. But, I went out there and I'm thinking, okay, well, nobody knows I'm out. I'm not gonna tell anybody.

And, Some late February, early March, you can hear the, the water dripping off the, the roof, you know, the ice melting. Yeah. I was, I was watching football with my son and my girl was, making something eat and all of sudden banging on the man hanging door. Ah, like, oh no, I put my, my shoes on. the second floor window, second floor that's kind of down. And, uh, but I opened the window, man, police, there's police everywhere.

And my girl comes running the living room and hey, the police are at the door. Oh man, I got nowhere to go. Yeah. Looking at my son, my sons sees chaos from, sees me the window and man, just ripping my heart out, man. So finally I told her, you know, just open the door. They came in and put me in handcuffs and, um, I said, man, can I just, kiss my son, my son broke, broke me, man, you know, internally, you know, I wasn't, but on the inside I. They locked me up, man.

I, I went, got locked up in, uh, Crownpoint, Indiana. Here's my first time there. Dunno, anybody don't know what that system is like. And so I get there and man, I just kind sense like, thought, I'm not gonna say voice because I know it wasn't a voice per se, but this thought that kept pressing on me, saying, "Call on me. Call on Me." And I knew it was God and I wouldn't do it, man. I wouldn't call on and kept on it. Kept on.

Finally I go to where they were gonna, they put me up on the fifth floor, maximum security. And on the fifth floor there's only like 10 people to this unit. Like two cell, only five cells there. So it was small. so there in Indiana, I come to find out that it was more of a racial thing, you know, the white, especially the whites, because there was a lot of white people locked up and they didn't like Hispanic, they didn't like blacks obviously. And I met this, Hispanic there.

He was from the opposite gang. Okay. But I was so hurting, I didn't care, you know? Tension here. So if need help, man, you know, I got a right here, he switch. Yeah. I, how he got had, you know, so, um, so time went on about two. I kind sense that that same pressing in my heart, "Call on me, call on Me." And again, I knew with God, I would argue with this, with these thought, God, I'm not calling on you. Every time I call on you, I make promises to you.

And I, I don't keep my promises and, and I go to do the same thing. This time I'm not calling on you. Mm-hmm. So after arguing, you know, with these thoughts, I, I, I come up on a plan, okay, this guy's got a knife. I'm looking at the rest of my life in prison or possibly the death penalty. If I can't be a father to my son, I have nothing to live for. So I made a decision. I get on the phone, I called my older sister and I told my sister, I said, look, I'm just calling you to say bye.

What do you mean? She kind of caught onto what I was gonna, and she said, you don't even know what the court system's gonna do. Up on, because I didn't want her to talk me outta it, you know? Yeah, yeah. So I cell contemplating suicide because, you know, I just felt like hopeless like nothing to live for, I felt on the inside, you know, broke my heart that my son possibly could grow up in the streets of Chicago and the streets, the hood are gonna grab him the way they grabbed me.

And I didn't want my son to grow up without a father, man. Yeah. And it really killed me. And, uh, thank God, man, first time, genuinely anyways, first time my knees bro., man, I just cried out. I was just bawling. I mean, tears just rolling down my face and I remember putting my hands up in the air and I'm at the ceiling and I was like, God, man, right here, man, right here.

I surrender, I give, and you know, at that time, during that process, as I'm on the floor crying, I got these thoughts in my head. What are your guys gonna think? What are your guys gonna say? How they gonna accept this? But you know what, bro, right there on that floor, man, I made a decision. I can care less what anybody says, thinks or does. my son was more important to me than what the, what the might think. what the guys might do. Yeah. And here was my prayer Omar.

I would never pray, but I said, God, if you gimme one more chance to be a dad to my son, and I promise you, I'll serve you every day of my life. I'm just asking for that one more chance, to be a dad. I don't want, don't go, go through life without a father the way that I did.

And, you know, I, I, as I was crying and, and explaining to God like I needed to, right as I was explaining to God the, the bad choices I made in life, the, the mess I made in my life, all the people that I hurt in my life, you know, God, I'm sorry man, at this time, I really genuinely mean it. You know what, bro? Man, I get up off the floor and I feel, I don't, I don't feel that that weight on my shoulders anymore. I feel free. Amen. You know? Yes. I was so relieved.

Everything that I, that I thought that I was missing in my father, God, the Father finally gave me fulfillment. He finally gave me a complete satisfaction. That yearning and that desire for my physical dad gone because now I finally met my heavenly father of Jesus Christ. Amen. And you know what, man, I held onto that, I held onto that hope for dear life that everything was gonna, okay. Hey, you know what? Still locked up for first degree murder. I was fighting extraditions.

I had four months had from there back Chicago murder charge. You know what? Those four that there, during those four months that I was there, you know, as you are aware of, there's some lights that never turn off. Right. Okay. My cell, Right there by a light that never went off. I would stay up all night reading the Bible, man, sleep all day and read all night. Man, I was devouring scripture and you know, I'm not gonna say that, uh, I didn't have any doubt. At some point I did. Right.

I did have doubt, you know. And, um, but I remember, I started writing a journal in 1991. That was in 1991, okay? And in my journal, I put, I'm starting to have doubt because of evolution and because I mean this whole God thing, just my imagination. But I remember getting on my knees that night before, or that morning before I went to sleep, and I said, God, I'm gonna close my eyes. And, and I'm asking you if you're real. Let me see something in my dream. Let me know that you are real.

I needed that. You know, I was at a point of very discouraged, very depressed, even though I was free, you know, just a month or two ago. But I closed my eyes, had this dream, and in my dream I knew that it was God. And I didn't even know scripture that well, what kept coming to my mind was Matthew 6:33, seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.

And all these other things shall be added onto you yes man I held on to that for dear life seek God was my, that was my message from God to seek Him first. The more. You get to know him. The quicker you get to know him and scripture, the quicker you may be home with your son. I held on that. Yeah. So now you know we're getting ready, go to Cook County jail. And I have these, you know, these thoughts in my mind. Okay, you're gonna get there. That's where it's all gonna come.

Whatcha gonna do when the guys approach you, if they wanna shake your hand, they want you to be a part of the mob again. You know, I had to make a decision, bro, right? I had to make a decision in my heart. And when I got there, I didn't shake nobody's hand throwing, you know what? I'm done man. Got a hold of my life and I'm a believer. Now I'm a Christian. And, and I was, I stood there for three years, 19 two years, 1991 to 1993. And uh, man, I was on fire, bro, for the Lord fire.

And a lot of guys were coming out of the gangs and getting converted. I went trial in June of 1993 and I'm not gonna, you bro, everything against nothing, right? Except God. That's, I was, and I, I was at death penalty at first, and they were talking about a hundred years. Then, um, they brought me, uh, a plea bargain for 35 years. I said, no way, man. I'm not taking that, you know, my own lawyer, my own lawyer told me, Rocky, you gotta get off this high horse.

And this is, this, this could be God's way of showing you mercy because this judge already thinks you're guilty. Okay? And bro, it was like a punch in the gut from my own lawyer, right? I re I remember going back from court, going into my cell, getting on my knees and crying out to God. God, you know, they say you can't, your word tells me you can you know, I thought I was gonna a father to my son on, on. And, um, went back to offered 20 years, day of, offered 20 years.

And I thought about it, you know, I. All this way for, for me to, uh, bow down to 20 years. Right. So we took it to trial man, and um, I don't know, maybe three weeks I was found not guilty. So I was out. I got out in 1993 back reuniting with my son when I, I made a huge mistake that a lot of people made, and I'm sure you're aware of this as well. I ended up going right back to the hood, 18th and Oakley.

My sister was living on 18th and Oakley, and I really didn't have anywhere to go, you know, and I went right back to 18th Man, and, uh, it was just a matter of maybe three, four months, you know, the guys kept coming around me and, and you know, and not that it's their fault. I mean, I make that decision. Right, right, right. I make the choices and, um, I fell back. I fell back into it, bro. Right? And it was almost like I got worse than I was before.

More buy-in than, you know, I ever been, you know? And, I was saved, man. I knew that what had happened to me there in the cell.. I knew that God had done something in my life. I knew it, but I was just too weak to be.

You know, and, um, so you know, back, I'm back going through revolving doors up, all that was, I didn't, I didn't respond to it where something I to do with know because didn't somebody I ended up, uh, it pistol I two, I repent you and I got out in 94 and then I tried to pick back up when I left off. You know, I got locked back up in 1995. Now, you know, I was locked up. I got, I got charged with, uh, first degree murder, uh, a pistol, uh, armed violence.

I was under investigation for attempted murder in Indiana. And again, here, I'm okay. My life is done. It's over with, right? But I remember even that time's here is the mercy of God, even that time I kept thinking is if God did it once, he, you can do. You know, this process miserable. I miserable. Yeah. You know, it's, it, it took me a little while, bro. And I ended up getting, found not guilty for the murder. Long story short, I was also charged with attempt there in the city.

I got eight and a half years for that. I was under investigation in Indiana for attempted murder. So, I went down for that attempted murder. I already had, over three years in Cook County. So I only went down for less than a year. But, right before I was getting out, obviously they shipped me to Indiana and I had to stand trial for this, or I thought I was gonna stand trial. God, you know, everything fell apart. That case fell apart.

Okay. And, uh, they dismissed the case back, Illinois, whatever. And then I get out. So I'm getting to the turning point here. So, um, I get out. Not knowing where they're at in my, and, my son, mother was already, she went, her way which was fine son. And um, I got out on, I got out on a, and I was staying downtown at the Drake. Some of the guys put me up at the Drake. Uh, so it was me and my son at the Drake. And, you know, I had a few thousand in my pocket. Right.

I didn't need any money, but I made a stupid decision to go to Indiana to go pick up another 2000. Mm-hmm. And I had been drinking all night. Yeah. So I smelled like liquor. So when I woke up, you know, after, you know, showering and walking, washing up, et cetera, and I had a couple shots and I had maybe one beer and jumped in the car with my son, headed the Indiana to go pick up another 2000.

But what I'm not saying is that weekend coming, I was supposed to get two kilos and I was gonna start back where I, you know. Right. And here it's, bro, I went through all this with, man, you know, When I went to Indiana, I had to pee like really bad man. I pulled over the side of the road and I'm going, and I noticed from the corner of my, there a state trooper going the opposite way. And I knew he me. Yeah. And I looked over and the, and he comes up behind me. I'm like, oh man.

But then I'm thinking, okay, you disorderly conduct I'll myself out. He a lie detector and uh, you know, all these different, I'm not doing none of that. None of that. He arrest me. So he did, took me in. I couldn't bond out because they found out I was on parole. Right. I had my ten year old son in the car. So child man, one of the come pick up my son. And man, I tell you man, I tried everything to get out, bond out, get lawyer, gimme a bond, get out, you know, and man was working.

I stood there six months. Six months. Those six months, six months. The leadership with the mob. I was still, you know, representing that. But I was still, I had a relationship with God, but God, within those six months, man, God was doing work in me man. And I knew it wasn't so much I was on the road, but I knew that God was not gonna let me prosper. You know what I mean? Yeah. It wasn't gonna lemme go back to doing what I was doing before and think that I'm gonna prosper. Right.

And I know that it went deeper. It went deeper than just peeing on the road. So, um, yeah. That, that really broke me, man. Yeah. And I had to finish out my parole time, which I think was two years.

And, uh, my dad, I, I met my, my wife who I'm married to now, um, my sister was working with her here in Texas and she started writing to me and, you know, we kind of fell in love through letters and she was coming to see me and I think, I believe all this was God if I look back because, um, she was there the day that I was released. She was there to pick me up because if she wouldn't have picked me up, I already had it in my mind, I'm gonna Right. And not knowing what got myself into Yeah.

But she, picked me up and, um, her and my sister Doubt. You, I was over here, but I made a decision that I'm more valuable to my son as being free Yeah. And being alive, even though I'm in Texas. But I think I'm more valuable to him that way. Right. Than going back to the hood and, you know, going through all that again, because who knows, right? Yeah, for sure. And, so yeah, bro, I got married, her and I got married, uh, like a week later. Don't ever try that. You know, out, be out for a week.

And we got married because I didn't wanna live, you know? Yeah, yeah. I, I didn't wanna, uh, and I wasn't, we weren't having, uh, sex. Right. But I didn't wanna live like that. I wanted to be right in God's eyes. And, and now I know that I needed to be around Christians. I needed to be around people that believed in God. So what I did was, um, I went to, uh, I dunno if you've ever heard of Dallas Theological Seminary?. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have.

Yep. So I went there thinking I was gonna go to school there, and they told me, Hey, this is a graduate school. They said, you see school down the road, go there, get your bachelors, come back. I, between my legs. Right. Not realizing that, That in such a big way. Really. It really reinforced my salvation, my relationship. A pastor Southwestern, I got the theological studies and then from there I went out and got another master's in, um, my master of divinity with my concentration in counseling.

And now I'm working on my doctor's degree. I'm gonna, uh, Dallas Theological Seminary. So, uh, go you talking about a high school, high school dropout. You know, I got my GED in prison. That's crazy. Only by the grace of God,

Good. So man, so right now you're working on your doctorate, uh,

I mean, to turn a nobody no good. Scarred up. Tattoed up person like me and using me now for the kingdom. You know, here I was a gang leader. Now I'm leading people for the only gang that's gonna be standing at the end of the day. Amen. The biggest gang that there will be, is God's gang, you know, and just man blows my mind, bro. Blow blows my mind. Blows me away. Every time I think about it, sometimes I have to scratch my head and look up. God, you certain got the right one here?. You know?

Yeah. It's just amazing, bro. Yeah,

But if, if it were man writing it, you know, I think they would've kept the, the sins out of there. But I believe God, uh, kept them there for a reason to, to let Oh yeah. To let people like us know, like, man, no, I, I can use people like you, you know, people that, that, that didn't want like, anything to do with him, that that love the darkness, but man, he brings us out of darkness into his light, and he, he turns us around to use us to, to lead others to him. Right.

I didn't just, I, I got out here, I'm a pastor, you know, so I knew that, I knew that God was calling me to pastor, but honestly, when I. You knowSarah Gonzalez, when I met Gonzalez dad in Gonzalez in the Cook County Jail, and him and I became pretty close, it was very influential in my life. And he would always tell me, man, Rocky, we're gonna make you a preacher. I didn't wanna be a preacher. Yeah. And I even told God, man, I don't wanna do that.

But I knew deep in my heart of heart, I knew that, that God was calling me to do that because I had a lot of influence over people. I mean over a lot of, even the guys, you know, I was a leader. So, but I didn't want that. I did, it took, it was a process throughout time that, that God had really changed my heart and he gave me a love, he gave me a desire. Like, man, I can't be anything else except a pastor. Yeah. But when I first started, I started off as a youth pastor.

I didn't really wanna work with kids, bro. But, um, it was asked from me, you know, Hey, I was gonna school when I first started gonna school. They said, Hey, are you doing any ministry right now? And I said, no. I said, well, uh, we have a youth pastor, position open. You know, would you help us? I really didn't want to because I didn't feel that was my calling to work with kids. And, uh, you needed.

So, but I fell in love with the kids and, I got experience there but I knew that, you know, going in there, I knew that I wasn't gonna stay there long. And I even told the pastor, look, I'm not called to be a new pastor. I'm called to be a pastor. They knew that I was just coming in to help, but yeah. you know, it just, it got me experience, you know, it allowed me to pour into some young lives. And, so shortly thereafter, I became a public speaker.

I started speaking at, public schools, at alternative schools, at prisons, at juvenile, the local jails here in, Dallas. Wow. I became one of the chaplains here. And I was speaking, I was one of the keynote speakers of the TYC Texas Youth Commission, which are the juvenile of prisons. Yeah. So I don't travel all over the states speaking, at events, you know, and man, I saw hundreds and hundreds of young men and women coming to the Lord, you know, praise God.

And, but still, I had this desire, I've always had this desire, I'm pastor, that's what God called me, to do. You know, I didn't, I didn't know that. You know, you gotta start from the bottom. I'm trying to start from the top,

And and it would just minister to gangs, you know, even though I was still speaking at schools and juvenile systems and, rallies and you people were asking me to speak here and there, but then it got a little bit harder to get into the public school system because once they, they heard gangs for Christ. Okay. Gangs for Christ. Yeah, yeah. You know, they wanna separate, uh, and religion. Religion, yeah. Yeah. Um, so it made it a little bit harder. So what I did was, I still had gangs for Christ.

It was kind of like on the back burner and I started another ministry called, focus on the youth. Okay. Prevention and Intervention and Hope. Yeah. And that just blew the doors wide open and you know, in the public speaking. Yeah. But I was smart about it because the law tells you you can't speak about Jesus, you can't speak about God. Unless somebody ask you the question. So I what I did?

Yeah. I took my wife with me most of the time, or I found somebody to come with me and I would say, okay, I leave it for, leave it open for Q&a. If nobody ask me what changed my life, I want you to raise your hand and say, Hey, can you tell us how you changed your life? 'cause then I can by law, yeah, yeah. I can answer that question.

Hey, the Lord. Amen. You know, Jesus came into my life and he turned my world upside down, and it's only because of him that I'm able to be free and live the life that he has called me to live. You know? So, yeah. What that's getting around that, you know? Yes. Hey, there's a will, there's a way. Yeah. Praise Lord for that. Amen. Amen.

I probably wouldn't have went to the juvenile system. I probably wouldn't have went through prison. I ended up doing 17 years total. But I knew that I needed to be a blessing to other young kids who think, or going down that road, you know what I mean? Yes. So, so that, that's what motivated me to start really working full throttle with, young people at risk and trying to keep them out of the system and trying to get these kids, you know, where. Challenge young people.

Yeah. Sex is there, they're gonna challenge our, our young teenage girls. So I had to come up with something that would give them, some something or someone to turn to. They didn't have to turn to the wrong crowd. They didn't have to turn to, sex to become a, a single parent at 15 years old. They didn't have to turn to the gang. They didn't have turn to drugs or the alcohol. And, and that's where the church comes in. That's where ministry comes in. So, and my heart is still there.

My passion is still there for, for young people, but now I'm able to do it in a broader sense. Yeah. Because now praise the Lord, I'm pastoring a church. Whereas I have people, we have ministries here, and, and the ministries that we have here are targeted towards the young people. We have an apartment ministry as an example. You know, young people, for the most part, are not gonna come to church. Okay? What do we do? We go to them.

So once a month, we're gonna probably begin to do it every other month. But right now, once a month, we've been doing this for over a year, we go to the apartment, we have bible studies there. We bring them snacks, we bring them, uh, pizza, you know, uh, get to hear about Jesus. We send out a van on Sunday morning, which brings some of them here, church, they come to Bible study service, we take them back.

So we're, we're, we're doing that, you know, but in a different way, you know, and we have some other things going. We got some ministries here that are called, um, I named them, I disciple 365. And it, it means what exactly? It says that three, which is what scripture calls us to do, 24 7, 365 days year, be pouring somebody, you know what I'm saying? Yes. For the, and some other things in, um, from a ministry that's gonna be called from Boys to Men.

And the same thing for the young women from from girl to woman. Yeah. And what I wanna do there is, is to create some kind of a mentorship, discipleship, but it's gonna be open to the public, you know, for kids struggling, you know, kids that don't have a. To get these kids on the right path. And, but yeah, we have some things in the oven man that, uh, that tells us we need to start pouring into the community, you know? Yes.

Okay. Solid dude. Yeah. And then the women they're going through a study, that's called, on our knees. Okay. And. There's more women than there is men, but we got some men. Amen. And we got men here too, you know? Yes. There's a big difference, you know, with the churches up north than it's the churches in South. Yeah. In churches up north. Most of the churches are women. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. No,

But, and that's another reason why, um, God led me to create that I 365 men, because that's, that's my challenge to the men. Yes. You know, in our society, step up and be who God has created you to be. Amen. A leader, a husband, a father, provider, protector, you know, et cetera. Yes. And, yeah, because, you know, that goes a long way, bro. I rocky. I wanted to be free from, again, lifestyle. I just didn't know how It was only until God came into my life.

It was only then that God, you know, changed my life as a man. Married for the first time with my wife, 22 years, Francis, you know, I've been faithful to her. You know, I didn't know how to be faithful to one woman, bro. Yeah. But it's only because God. Now I got my two boys here, uh, and my daughter, I, I raised my daughter six, six years old. She's my stepdaughter, but I don't call her. That's my daughter. I raised her. She's 30 years old now.

And you know, I'm the only dad that she knows, right? Yeah. But it only because of God that he allowed me to be the dad that I am to my kids. I think a lot of that has to do with me not knowing, what I knew, what it was like not to have a dad in my life. So there's a part me that wants to be a dad in my children's life, you know, because I didn't have that. Right. And, um, I have to, uh, be honest with you, uh, Omar. Yeah. And, um, I gotta share this with you.

I. I was allowed, you know, we were united and, um, his mother, uh, allowed him to come out here to Texas when he was 13. So I kind of raised him out here. And then when he became of age, um, I think 21 years old, he moved out to, um, to Kansas with one of his, uh, one of his aunt was out there while he was out there, met this, this girl ended having kids from girl good. Didn't do any drugs, any, that's what I'm told. And um, and that's what he told me as well.

Uh, but unfortunately, man, in 2012, my son was murdered out there. Mm. And, uh, so yeah, had I known that, you know, the day that I gave my life to the Lord, I mean, obviously God wasn't gonna know that, but it's because God used my son. He used my desire to be a dad to my son, to change my life. Yeah. And um, but yeah, man, when in 2012 I mean, I was in a very dark place, man. I was devastated, you know, to say the least.

And, uh, I had a lot of thoughts, you know, the old Rocky wanted to come back.. You, the way that I handled things was through violence. I, yeah.

Yeah. So, um, and the reason why, the reason why that's crucial is because I didn't have a whole lot of time to pour into my relationship with the Lord. Yeah. Yep. And I was very vulnerable. I was at a vulnerable place in my spiritual life because I was working all the time and I had to support my family. Yeah. Because we had to close the doors to the other church because, uh, we just weren't bringing any enough money and they couldn't pay me. You know, I had to get a job. Right.

So when that happened to my son, man, I was really caught off guard. I was very vulnerable. Caught me at a bad time. A death never announces a sudden coming, you know what I'm saying? Yes. And uh, I really felt like, you know, really related to Job at that time and I really felt like Satan was challenging God. You know, see what he's back. Yeah. You know, that old life, you know, once the dust cleared, smoke cleared, man, you know what? Here I'm serving the Lord.

It was through, through some time that, um, I came back to the past pastor role. Um, there's a lot of details in between. I'm not gonna take a whole lot more time. But my wife, um, well actually it was my son, Malachi. Malachi was probably about 10 years old at the time, and he wanted to, he wanted to visit a church where his friend went to church. And, uh, so I, I found myself having a day off on a Sunday and we brought him to church and then I had to continue to work all the other Sundays.

And my wife really liked the church, so she kept coming. And then when I came back to that church, which is the church that I'm in now, I really sensed that was telling me I didn't know how. Right. Because, um, they had a Pastor, you know, I don't see it. Still, I was still grieving over the loss of my son and I didn't wanna go back to school, but God really, really pushed me to go back to school. And you know what?

I'm so grateful that I did, because when I went back to school, this was, um, two years after my son passed, so this was 14 January, 2014. And when I went back to school, bro, I'll tell you man, it was like the voice of God that was speaking through my professors and, and that that's when the healing process began and I began to start getting healed over the loss of my son took me years really to be able talk about it without getting too emotional.

Yeah. Um, but yeah, God used school, used my learning, you know, scripture to kind of get out that depression, that, that grieving and, um, yeah, son, of course I still grieve, you know? Yes. I'm stand my head, God, you continue to the Lord, you know? And, um, it was just a. Now I feel the pain of people. Yeah. Now I can feel the hurt that my people and other people go through, you know? Yeah. Before, I didn't feel that, I didn't sense that. Right.

But, you know, through the loss of my son, man, that has really tenderized my heart. So, that's where I'm at, man. Yeah. I'll see him again, you know? Oh, yes, yes.

Are you kidding me? Right. I didn't go back nine weeks later and even nine weeks later, man, as I was working, man, the enemy was, was torturing my mind. You know? And here you are, Big rock, and there there's little rock over there. He was killed. Whatcha gonna do about it? You just gonna let it go. You're not gonna do nothing about it. Man, bro. Tortured my mind.

Yeah. But again, it was only through the grace of God, depending on God and, and falling to my knees that, that I'm able to get through that because there's absolutely no way. I mean, what father, what loving father or mother for that matter, can go through the loss of a child. Right.

It's the worst ever, Omar. Yeah. Imagine nothing that they say, you could lose your spouse, you can lose your parents, you can lose your siblings, you can lose your grandparents, but there's nothing like losing a child. And man, you know what? I feel that, yeah,

And there's, there's nothing else like, for me to do, you know, like, or whoever, you know, whatever word God gives you or whoever it is that, that you want to, uh, say, say, say something to, you know, and, and absolutely man. And then after that, if you could close us out in, in a prayer

I went up to him, said, can I ask you a question? He said sure, I said, you mean God, can forgive anything? No matter what. He says, oh yes, God can forgive anything. There's not no sin. That's too big many that God cannot forgive. I said, but you don't understand, man, I live a gang lifestyle out there. I hurt a lot of people. I was responsible just by my word for getting people hurt. Are you telling me that God is able to forgive me? And he says, yes. And you know what? That blew my mind.

That blew my mind. That is what God is about. That's why we, we refer to it as the amazing grace of God, because the grace of God is so amazing that it'll blow your mind. Grace means that you, you get something that you don't deserve, and that is the forgiveness of God, and that is eternal life. You're getting something that you don't deserve it. None of us do. Omar doesn't deserve it. I don't deserve it. The best person on their best day does not deserve it.

It tells us in scripture that all of our righteous acts are as filthy rag before God. It's only by the grace of God. You can never be too far from God. You could never have done too bad that God is unwilling to forgive you. And let me, let me close with this. Isaiah 59 and in one says that's ears are not too dull, that he cannot hear neither his arms, too short, that he cannot save. But what has separated you between you and your God, are your sins god loves you. God wants to forgive you.

He made that possible through his son Jesus. And, and if you're in that place, man, and you think there's no hope, I the same way. And God has changed my life 10 times over and all those things that we did can be wiped clean. And when we are ready to go, we can be confident to know that we'll be with God for all eternity. And with our loved ones, those that place their faith in what God has. Father, thank you so much for this time. Lord, it's not about me. It's all about you.

It's about where you have brought me from knowing that if you did it for me, you're able more than able to do it for someone else. There's a lot of hurting people out there. There's lot of people that are hopeless or Ill open. A lot of people think that they've gone too far from you, that you'll never forgive them, that you would never love them.

And Lord, I pray that through the power of your spirit that you would reel them in, that you send people that they can relate to where they can hear your voice. And Lord, I just pray those people are looking to you that praying, are calling upon your Name. That you would reach down. Thank you for Omar. Thank you for the ministry. That you have called him too. I pray, father, that you just continue to use him to make an impact in the city, to make an impact across the waves.

Story after story of redemption, story after story of your goodness, how you can take a no good person and make them into somebody in you. Father pray. I pray, give him favor with you and favor with man, and I pray that you bless his wife, keep his wife and his children put a hedge of protection them. Father, let him continue to do what you have called him to do. And wherever, call him, we love you. We praise you. We honor, we pray to you. Above all else are magnified. In Jesus' name.

Amen. Amen.

And like you mentioned throughout the ways, man, throughout the country and, and God willing throughout the world, man, I know like my wife says, uh, Jesus is the hero of our story. You know, like, uh, amen. No matter what we've gone through, eventually it, it points to him. So I just, I just wanna thank you for, for your time and, uh, man, God bless you, your wife, your children, your ministry, and keep up the, the, the guide work out there in Texas.

Matthew four 16 reads, the people who sat in darkness have seen a great light, and upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death light has dawned. My name is Omar Calvillo. I am