Did LG coach podcast bonus episode? Hello Sarah. Hello. Kristen. Hello, if you guys haven't heard the latest subscriber only episode, you're going to want to go listen to this. What do we not only do we talk about our, our new favorite Internet boyfriend, Luigi Mangione, but we also we talk about a woman who took in a homeless man and built him, built him into the perfect man. Yep. So go to go to patreon.com/dataology coach and subscribe to listen to that.
But today, this is a, this is a free episode. It's a bonus episode and we're going to read a letter. So, Sarah, do you want to read? It sure, here we go, the letter says. Hi guys, I have a tendency to get caught up in limerance and stalk my exes Spotify to see what he puts on his playlists. I get I get that. Actually, this has often kept me stuck on him since some of the songs appeared to specifically reference issues that he and I
had. I recently stalked him and saw that he was creating playlists with another girl. Of course I looked up the girl and she looks like a prettier and thinner version of myself. I know it's my own fault for praying, but how do I not let this fuck with me? I have vowed to stop stalking him but feel horrible about myself and regretful that this shitty man was able to pull someone hotter than me. You're so real for that. Thanks for having the space to let me send in letters where I'm
being petty and ridiculous. Grateful to both of you for the podcast. Listen, We support women's rights and. Wrongs and wrongs. Exactly. So this is very normal, right. Like we we have to find out. OK, but. But you know what this is? You know what this is? It's Carrie and Natasha. Oh, Natasha. Right. Like, yeah, you're going to look at her. Katie with the curls.
Jesus, this is what it is. It's Carrie and Natasha, and you look at her and you think she's just, she's everything that I'm not and da da da da da da da and turns out. Big. She she, she bored him like she didn't give him what he wanted. And so, and that's not a flaw. That just meant that they weren't right for each other, right. So you're looking at her and you're thinking, oh, you're you're comparing yourself to her. And, and I, this is a great
saying. You don't want to compare your insides to somebody else's outsides. And I, and I've always, I've always loved that saying. And and that's really what you're doing, because you're letting what she looks like externally affect you internally. Yeah, you're internalizing it. Which is really hard not to do. Right. It's very hard to do, very hard not to do.
So don't assume that like for all you know, she treats him like shit or for all you know, he treats her exactly the way he treated you, which is probably which is bad and you don't want that for her, right? Right. So trust me, he hasn't upgraded And and even if he did, I, I shouldn't know. I take that back. He no, I don't. He hasn't upgraded because he hasn't changed. He's going to pull the same shit with her that he pulled with you.
Yeah, I mean, I was going to say too, he hasn't upgraded because I mean, I, I guarantee I, I, I bet anything that your relationship with him improved him. Right. So yeah, I mean, unfortunately now he is a better version of himself, which is how he was able to pull this woman that you're impressed by. But I mean, he's still the same person deep down, you know, right? Which is not great, right? And eventually, she's going to realize she could do better. Right. You know, we just.
We are conditioned to focus on her, on the other, like the new girlfriend, right? Yeah. When we really should be focusing on what a piece of shit he is or not. Even if they're like, let's say they just weren't right for you, we need to focus on, you know what things didn't work out because we weren't right for each other. And this is not a reflection of me. Like he didn't win, I guess, is what I'm saying. He. Didn't. This isn't if he treated you poorly. This isn't him winning.
This is him being exactly the same. And he's going to and he's going to blow it with another great woman. Right. You know, I, I don't even know if that's helpful. Like, you know, I don't even know that this is limerence either. Like, are you saying that you still have feelings for this guy? Is that like, is that the root of this? Do you feel that's what she's saying in the letter?
It's not really clear, but you know what else is not clear is whether these two are even dating, meaning the ex and the New Girl. Right. I mean, I think it's safe to assume that they are if they're making Spotify playlist together. Yeah, but like, maybe he's just like trying to date her. You know what I mean? We don't actually know that they're dating. He could just be shooting his shot and she could be humoring him.
I mean, I think you're, I think you're right to point out that like it's not a ridiculous leap to make to assume that they're dating, but like I just, I can't, I can't even think of a time when a hetero couple broke up and through their relationship, no matter the length of it, the man did not come out improved. And at first, like that's probably going to make you feel worse, right? Because you're like, oh shit, like I made him better.
And I like, I don't even get the benefit of that, but it's because he had such a gap to close, my friend, right? Like you were already so much, so far ahead of him. Right. And, and, but also I, I think when you saw the songs on the list and you were like, oh, it's kind of, they sort of resembled issues in our relationship. You thought that that meant he was regretting he had regret over. Yeah, I was was thinking about it a lot, right. Right. And then you just see him move on.
You're like, oh, I I guess he wasn't feeling that way. Right. That's the other thing, too. You don't, you don't know that because men can't be alone. Yeah. Like that. This is the thing we have to remember. Wow. Like he moves on pretty quickly because they can't be alone. They cannot. Right, because they don't want to. They don't want to deal with their hurt feelings because they don't know how to. They don't know how to like
self-care. They don't know how to tend to their feelings, so they just pretend they don't exist. Right. Which I guess is why ultimately we're saying like this new relationship is probably not going to last either. Exactly. Too long, didn't read. He's not. He still sucks. Right. He still sucks. Exactly. That's how we can summarize. Yeah, he still sucks. No, sucks he's still not good enough for you like.
Never was. There's such, yeah, there's such a there was such a gap to close there that of course some positive rubbed off on him, which allowed him to temporarily fool this new lady. But she'll she'll catch on. Yep, she sure will. She sure will. She'll. Catch on. So fuck this guy and don't feel bad about yourself 'cause this isn't a reflection of you. No, I mean do any, do you have any strategies about like maybe how to quit pressing on the bruise? Oh God.
'Cause you're kind of like. I'm familiar with that. Of the Bruise Press. I'm queen of the bruise bruise press for sure. I, I really had to get to a place where I hated him, right? Because I still didn't hate him enough. Like, I was hurt and I was angry and I still held out some kind of hope. But once I really faced like this guy's such an asshole. Right. Right and and then. And he was. And he sure was, sure still is. You know that it takes time to get there and everyone gets
there at different times. It took me 5 years, four years, five years ish. I would say a long time, wicked long time. It took me a wicked long time. And that's where you need to to get like until you really see him for who he is and and understand that he didn't treat you the way he treated you because of anything you did. Right, because he wasn't capable of better. Because he sucks. Right, because he sucks. He sucks, remember that. We're going to, we're going to
say fuck that guy. Do you have any more feedback on? This well, I mean, so again, in terms of like concrete things you can do to be proactive about like stopping this behavior so that you can feel better about everything and move on. Like do you would you recommend like leaning onto your leaning on your friends? I don't, I don't know if that was helpful. Each and every time I was like, Kristen, this guy sucks. Like I, I don't know if that was helpful. What? What do you think?
Yes, of course it was. Of course it was because you had that. You had that objectivity that I wasn't seeing. I'll never forget. I will never forget when he wrote that stupid fucking Quora thing about men being in the waiting room and he was just like, so proud of his wife and she's so much stronger than me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all this regard for women. And he's a serial cheater who had sex without condoms when he had girlfriends. Like, he's a piece of shit.
He's a piece of shit. I was a piece of shit for being involved with him. And so this is all performative bullshit. And you said, Kristen, do you not know that men tend to develop a little bit more respect for women once they have kids? Like daughters, Like it's, it's, it's this, it's an ego thing, right? And I was like, no, I, I, I didn't know that, but it was those listen. And it didn't snap me out right away, but it was those little gems that absolutely got me there.
You know, just wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Can we talk about the other one? The other one where this piece of fucking shit, he wrote this whole long thing about Oh my daughter's name and we just kept it secret and then he revealed it. Yeah, and and did the group chat go crazy? And it was the most fucking basic predictable. Let's just say he's British. It was it, it was, it was a
British name. I'll just say it, it was a not a British name, but it had British association. Oh, he thought he really did something. He really did. Yeah. Oh, and I just remember saying Oh no I won't because that gives it away. Were you, were you going to say like? I just said like, you know, you're British and you, you use the name of somebody a famous British person like too long didn't read. That was the that's the story. As usual.
You took 1500 words to say something completely fucking basic and stupid. All of which is to say, my friend. My friend. That this is this is where you need to get right. You need to work with your friends on finding threads to pull, for which you can absolutely dismantle this man until he is nothing but a pile of dust in your memory. Yeah. Please, I promise you he's not worth following up on. Not worth checking in on. Nope. Not worth pining for.
Nope, absolutely not. And there are better things to come. Absolutely. For you and not him. Right. Are we saying fuck that guy? That's it. No notes. No notes. We have a 2nd letter and it says I broke up with a guy two years ago because I didn't have a lot of dating experience and I didn't know what I wanted and I thought we didn't have a lot in common. But after a year of being broken up I was missing him so I reached out to him with the intention of asking for a second chance.
That was Don't do that. We texted for five or six days, but I kept chickening out and then we just stopped talking. Now it's a year after that and I've dated a few other guys, but I still always wind up missing him again. This time feels different, though. I feel like I'm in a better place. I've learned some things about myself and I have more of an idea of what I want. Should I reach out again or just
leave him alone? Leave him alone, because if he felt the same way, he would have reached out to you by now. Well, or he would have like he would have picked up what you put down before, right man, he would have. He would have taken the bait. Right. But instead, he let the conversation slide. Yeah, right. Let's see. So I reached out to him with the intention of asking for a second chance. So let's address that. This is in the year of our Lord 2025 on Miley Cyrus's Internet.
We don't ask men for second chances. We're not doing that. We're like, we weren't doing it in 2024. We are definitely not doing it in 2025. And there's nothing wrong with being at that place, right? But we will never give men that kind of power or control. Yeah, I certainly wouldn't phrase it as yeah, give me a second chance, right? Yeah, and it could just be and. Hopefully everyone sees the difference between give me a second chance versus hey you want to try this again? Right.
This is different. Yes, but it says a lot about your mindset. Yeah, right. Because you seem to think that you didn't have a lot of dating experience and and that that somehow was made you wrong or bad or like it was your fault. Right. Well, it also kind of sounds like you may have forgotten the reasons that you broke up. I assure you, you had them. You you had them, even if you didn't write them down. Yeah, we texted for five or six days, but I kept chickening out.
And then we just stopped talking. Yeah, you stopped talking because he wasn't interested in pursuing the conversation. So, you know, and I'm sorry to say that so bluntly, but that but that's just the reality. And let's say it's not and he actually was interested. The fact that he would let you slide and let you go, you don't want that either. Exactly.
You want someone who's going to say, oh, I really like this person and I, I don't want to, I don't want to miss this chance Exactly, 'cause you're worth that. You deserve that. Yeah, and I, I think that is true. I mean, that's definitely true of of men, right? Even if you're the one that ended things that like if they see a second chance and they want to pick up the bait like they they will even if they didn't end things. Correct, Correct.
Yeah, All right, if you're not. Perhaps it really is that basic, you know? Yeah. With men, there are no mixed messages. If, if, what do they say? They're coming up, They're booking the second date. Yeah, yeah. From the. Does just come down to how old
to you is he? Right, exactly from the great philosopher Jack Burger. Now, I do want to say, because this is a person with, at least in her view, relatively little dating experience, should you initiate contact again and like, start bantering, I think he will begin to regard you as a person with whom he can casually hook up sometimes, right? Right. I feel as though the relationship, the relationship ship has sailed. Yes. Yes, OK, if you want to hear our
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