Ghosted: Unfinished Endings & Unhealed Wounds

Worth the wait podcast Sarah not only does fuck that Guy Summerfest continue in this episode, but we've got some pretty spicy meaty letters and a very provocative question that you sent me regarding what should a woman do if a man chooses to pay her a student loan instead of getting her an engagement ring. And we kind of I think we're going to come at this from 2:00 to I think we're we're not going to agree on this. I never know it's so

unpredictable at this point. But we're also going to answer

some letters about that, that first couple of dates and everything's great. And you think the connection's there. And then out of nowhere, they just pull the rug out from under you and say they're not feeling it or they just ghost entirely. And we're going to talk about why we tend to blame ourselves as women. How do we prevent that and how this can be sort of a, a micro trauma and, and can trigger old wounds for people and what to do when it happens? We just got done recording the

recap for and just like that. And I'm going to let everybody know now. This is one of the best episodes of the series, not of Sex and the City, but of and just like that. And if you're not subscribed to the Patreon, go over and subscribe now because this was a very pivotal episode. I think that's going to resonate with a lot of people, especially if you come from a divorced family. So go to patreon.com/worth the wait show and subscribe. But it's a great episode and I'm

excited. I I really liked it. I liked the episode but I love doing the recap even more it. Was a good episode. It was. Now we have a letter. We have a couple letters. Actually they do. We do, and I would love for you to read the first one. All right. First one says hello. Kristen and Sarah have a question concerning dating what I imagine to be an avoidant

person. Maybe I should specify I'm looking for a relationship that would be something like consistently casual, open for a bit more if there's mutual desire for it. I'm a busy person with kids, friends, and activities, and I wish to keep my independence while adding some joy and romance into my life. So I'm not looking to live with a partner or anything like that anytime soon or ever. I met a woman on her, a lesbian

and queer dating app. Since I came back onto dating apps, it was the first time I felt a bit excited by a profile. She is incredibly beautiful, creative, outgoing, joyful, politically engaged, everything I could hope for. I do feel that I am a bit less interesting than she is. Rapidly and met two days later for a drink after work. We connected, conversation was easy and fluid. We also both could speak in Spanish which facilitated the connection I think. So we stayed there for almost 3

hours. We had a second date that consisted of a drink, a restaurant, some sexy dancing, almost six hours and we said we would meet next week for 1/3 date and I suggested a movie but we have no actual plans yet. I've noticed that in between dates, which are about two weeks apart, she takes a really long time to respond to my message, anywhere between 24 hours and three days.

I'm not a big texter myself, I would feel overwhelmed if somebody texted me every day, but I always respond as soon as I can and I engage pretty easily in consistent communication. I know that I'm not sending a lot of texts because I always

wait for a response before sending another one and I keep it short, which is a bit of a challenge because I like details. Never ask more than one question at a time, so I don't think I'm overwhelming her when she does respond. Her messages are somewhat detailed so she's not showing a lack of engagement either. It's been a full week of no contact since the last communication where we agreed on a movie date.

I kind of knew I should be patient but this feels triggering to me. I tried not to engage before she did as a way of letting her have space, but also to be honest because of my brew's ego. I wanted to see if she would write me first. I think if she was a this man I would have unmatched and disengaged totally from this because I don't want to put in more effort than he would.

So I wonder how I would communicate with her to make her know that I think about her and I like her so far but without much expectation and without triggering into more avoidance for her. Also, I want to avoid carrying all the emotional weight of communication in between dates. Still very early on into dating her. But how do I know when to disengage if my needs for a more consistent communication are not that I'm getting? Mixed messages, kind of from both of them, right?

Yes. He starts off by saying I'm looking for something casual, something to bring some joy and romance into my already pretty full life, which I am a big advocate of, by the way. And then she meets this person and it doesn't sound like proper boundaries or expectations were stated. Why do you say that? Because if she wanted something casual, this woman being taking so much time to respond shouldn't come as a surprise to her if they discussed the idea of wanting something casual.

OK, OK. It just feels to me as though she thinks she wants something casual, but she meets this person that she really likes. And now, and I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to be bothered that this person's taking three days to respond. That communicates to me, I don't care about you. That's that's right. That's what that communicates to me. So I don't blame her for being bothered by that.

However, she's categorizing this as avoidance when I actually think it's indifference, Meaning I don't know that this person shares her level of interest. Just because she felt this connection doesn't mean that the other person did. And we're going to be talking about this later because this happens a lot when you go out on these dates and you have this great time and then they pull back and they pull away that

affection. That's sort of a, that's a bit of a, of a, of a micro trauma that that we experience. And depending on what your history is, certain things can be triggered. But we're going to be talking about that later in the episode. We're going to be talking about how to cope when you're going through something like this. She seems very triggered by this woman's lack of engagement. Yeah. I mean, I think that's reasonable. Yes, right, I do.

However, I also think that if she truly were looking for something casual, I don't think she'd be bothered. I don't know that she'd be bothered by this person taking 24 hours to respond. How? How often is she taking three days? I mean, if that's if that's the norm, then I would say no, no way. But this doesn't sound like somebody who's looking for somebody kiss. OK. And.

That's that's my take. So she's not looking for something casual and then the woman she went out with you think is maybe not matching her level of interest or or definitely not matching her level of interest. Definitely doesn't seem to be matching the level of interest I'm reading this again. Beautiful, creative. We have a second date party. We said we met, plus the dates are two weeks apart. She takes a really long time to

respond to my messages. I think there's also this belief that because she's dating a woman, she's not going to be dealing with the same nonsense that straight women who date men or women who date men deal with when if this this sounds like she could have been writing about, you know, a CIS man it. Really does. Right. It really does, yeah. Which, yeah, you want to, you want to think that it's going to be easier with a woman if you're

a woman. But it it sounds like there's a lot of the same issues, same challenges. Maybe her. I just feel as though her expectations weren't realistic and I don't feel as though she communicated what she was looking for. But I also feel as though, and, and I do think this is now or

should be a first date conversation. What's your communication style? Are you a texter? Do you prefer to check in every day? What's what do you prefer? Because this is important. And it's important because of this. It's important because if you're triggered, if you have abandonment issues, the lack of engagement can trigger something with you, then it's really important for you to be with somebody who's not going to keep triggering you.

Yeah, which is why I think it's a fair, I think it's a fair question to ask. Or, or may you might even want to work it into a profile of what is your love language, daily text checking in, something like that. Where you again, because this, this communication style is part of compatibility. And I don't think we we often think of it that way, but it is it just doesn't feel to me that anything was discussed or that expectations or boundaries were communicated. What about you?

What are you? What are you thinking? I have a hard time imagining that expectations and communication style wouldn't have come up on either these marathon dates. And typically we caution against marathon dates, but I think I think it is a different case for women dating women. I just, yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go on a marathon date as a woman with a CIS man and I wouldn't recommend either. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the marathon dates in this case.

I just, I just bring it up again to say it seems like you had time to establish some of these expectations and it's it would surprise me if that were not the case. However, she did say that the second day it was a party, right? So maybe they didn't actually talk much at the I have a couple of follow up questions. One is because I haven't used the app, Is it is this truly like phone to phone texting directly?

Or is it possible that the woman in question, the potential avoidance is getting the messages filtered through the app and maybe she only logs into the app every couple of days? That would be essential to know. Yes, because if that's the case, that too communicates an indifference, because if you've just met somebody, you've been out twice, you like them, you're not going to want to miss their communications. Well, and probably you're going to suggest, oh, let's take this

off the app, right? Let's just begin texting. Well, we listen. We we say that, right? We say they probably communicate. I don't think the average person knows to communicate what their preferred communication style is. I really think women have been told that anything they need in the relationship is too much and so they don't communicate it. We're here to tell you and we're in charge and we make the

decisions. Now. You are allowed to communicate what's going to trigger you, what's not going to trigger you whenever the hell you want. There's no preferred timeline. If this is part of compatibility for you, state it up front. Get it out there. These are the things statements only. Put it out there, you don't have to wait.

Right, got the impression in this case that the letter writer was just really being cautious of coming on too strong because she said like, oh, well, she obviously feels like this woman is a catch rate. And she said, I feel like she's more interesting than me. So this must be somebody who's really good on paper, right? And or on dates, right? Right. And that may be why you're not hearing from her, because maybe she's going on a lot of dates. Right. That's the other thing.

It's, it does sound to me like this person might be dating multiple people. But here's the thing. Some people are just really, really good at those first, say, two to five dates. Oh yeah. And then they completely fall off. You know why? Because they never get past those, those five dates. And we, you know, we're, we're going to address this with, with the other letter as well. But when things go well and then we don't hear from them, what

do, what do we do? We wonder, we wonder was it was it something I did right? And for me when I'm reading this letter and she's saying, well, I only I don't ask more than one question and I only text as a response to her text. I'm not initiating. Why are you shrinking yourself? Why are you? She just seems to be not just being being cautious, but being almost hyper vigilant over cautious here. Well, I'm glad you.

I'm glad you mentioned that because the other thing I wanted to say is you never really know how you're being perceived. So for all we know, this woman might not even like really know you're interested. She might think she's matching your energy if you said casual, she's maybe she's trying to give it to you. But I don't think we should ignore the information we do have, which is this is not making you feel great, right? It's making you doubt yourself.

It's making you, you know, re evaluate every step here and it's making you feel like she's a little bit out of your league. So I think, you know, you did technically arrange 1/3 date like you, you had an informal agreement, right? So I think this time bite the bullet, reach out and just be like, here's what I would like to meet. You know what I mean? Like propose a date. Just be like, are you free Saturday?

Let's meet here or there. And then, you know, if she doesn't and give her like a week, I would give it like, you know, I'd give her at least like a work week. Reach out on like a Monday ahead of Saturday, right? And if she's give? Notice by Thursday. OK. But you're, I want to clarify, you're saying give her a week's notice, yes, regarding plans, not give her a week to respond? No. Right. No, that is not what I'm saying,

right? I'm saying give her a week notice because that's being respectful of her time and yours, right? But if you don't hear from her by Thursday, move on. Right. And let's not ignore you said the magic word here. I kind of knew that she would be, that I should be, but this feels triggering for me. That's a very, very important part of this story. And. I feel as though that's the moment, that's the sign where

you say, why is this triggering? Because when we're triggered, it's probably it's because it's reminding us of something that caused us great pain or great anxiety or something. It ain't good, right? That's something to pay attention to. I would be way more focused on why is this triggering to me and how do I work through it. Then how do I make myself as small as possible so as to not

push this person away? But like Sarah said, pay attention to how you feel because you're not feeling great here. But could that be remedied by a conversation about communicate preferred communication style?

Who knows? You're never going to know until you try. What was? What is it that Seema said? Don't ask, don't ask you. Won't. If you don't ask, you don't get. Yeah, right. If you don't ask, you don't get my friend. Right, yeah. So I would ask her out again, but. Right. Just see where it goes and then get that, get that opportunity to get in front of her and have

this conversation. Yeah, You know, the other thing I, I think I would recommend is if this is in your, if the word casual is anywhere in your dating profile, I would go ahead and take it out. I would as well. I would as well. Because it means something different to. Everybody.

It's one of those subjective words you really do when you're writing your dating profile, be very careful about what words you use, whether it's active, whether it's casual, whether it's relaxed, whatever it is, these, these adjectives that everybody uses, they're subjective, they have different meanings to everybody. So keep that in mind. All right? I feel as though we're going to be moving on from this. Feel free to follow up.

Follow up, please. We love a good follow up me a TikTok. We're not going to play it, but but we're going to. We're going to sum it up. Well, there's what is it kind of nothing to play in this case, right? I just sent, so I sent Kristen a screenshot of a it was a tick tock, but there's some text on the screen and a random woman sitting behind it.

It's a hypothetical question and I'm interested in your take on it, Kristen. So the question is, a man proposes to his woman with a receipt of her $70,000 student loan debt being paid in full. She thanks him, but says she still requires a ring before getting married. Is the woman a reasonable, B ungrateful, C smart, or D dumb? First and foremost, if he chooses to do that, that is wonderful, but that's on him, number one. But #2 do men not understand why women want engagement rings?

I don't know that they thought about it. Do you think they think about it even? Well, that that is the point that that's no, they don't think about it, my dude, that ring is not about you. We're. Not going to say it's not about him at all because remember when Aiden got the yellow gold ring with the marquee diamonds? Yep. And Carrie was, was very upset about it and she was like, Oh my

God, does he even know who I am? It's kind of about him and his, his taste level in that, in that way, right? So we use it as a barometer. I mean, I'm surprised that your very first response was like, if you chose to do that, that's on him. Well, it is. Well, it is. Right. Don't hold. Don't. Don't make her responsible for that. It's great that you did it, but unless she asked you to do it, I don't. I don't.

Do I want someone paying? I don't know that I would want that because then you're just in you're, you feel indebted to them. I mean, if you choose to feel that way, sure, because as you said, that's on him. You chose to do it, she didn't ask for it. Right. OK. Correct. So that doesn't mean that doesn't mean it's kind of like Sarah when people I would vote on New Year's Eve. It's kind of like when people give me one gift and say it's for both Christmas and New

Year's and my birthday. No, I want 2 gifts. Does that make me unreasonable? I don't think so. I want the day of my birth acknowledged. Sir, if you don't know that she wanted a ring, I don't. I don't know what to. That's You're showing her that you didn't know that the ring was important, right? Am I now? Am I the drama? I don't think I'm the drama. So what do you think she's being? Well, initially I was like, I, I don't know many people with a $70,000 or more engagement ring.

That's, that's quite a lot of money to spend on, on a ring, even a set, right. So I was like, well, that's, you know, he's, he's frankly done enough. But then half a second later I was like, on the other hand, he already did it, it's already paid right? It's not like he can get a refund so she might as well ask for a ring while she's at it. Right. But also, Sir, just why didn't you just pay 60,000 and get her a ring? I'm sure she would be just as

overjoyed and relieved at that. If you're going to spend 70, if you have that kind of money to spend. That's the other thing, right? Right. If he just wrote that check or made that payment in one go, like, yeah, why are we not getting a ring? What are we doing? Of course you should get a ring. Right. And, and I think it really does

come down to what does she want? If she if you know that she always wanted a ring then, and you just chose not to do the thing you knew she wanted, well Sir, you're an asshole. You know, Speaking of that, I think you could also argue that he did that for him, right? Yes, Bill, of course you do that for him. Wasn't early for her. I think if he knew she wanted a ring, he should have gotten her

a ring and paid her loan. If you have that kind of money and you knew she wanted a ring, first of all, if you have that kind of money, then you have an extra 10,000 to get a ring. Which can get a very nice ring correct, a set even. Correct, Yes. So it all depends on what the woman wanted because not a lot of women want engagement rings. Right. And, and I was, you know, the other thing is like a lot of women end up upgrading anyway.

Right. Right, So like right, she can always get a quote UN quote better ring later, right, If she wants to or you know, add a band or whatever. Right. But yeah, the point is she, she wants it for this milestone. And it seems to me like, you know, the framing of this question, like is it seems like he's trying to use this as leverage to not get a ring, almost like he wants to see if he can get away with that like he wants. It's like seems like he wants her to feel indebted or like she's.

That's what I'm saying for this. That's what I'm saying, right? It's I don't feel that it's the act of generosity or love that people think it is. I tend to think there's more behind. It it's a test, it's a test manipulation. It sure is. It is. It's I want to see how she's going to react. Is she still going to want to ring? Yes. And it's. And don't try to. Yeah, it seems like the beginning of like seeing how else we can disappoint her. Right, right.

Yes, she is going. To hold this over her forever. But it's it is, it's that test. And here's the thing. If she wants a ring, OK, and I want the ring. Don't make her feel bad because you chose to do something that she didn't ask you to do and you decided, well, this is more important than what I knew she wanted. You're making that decision for her. No, we don't do that anymore. Especially Sir, if you're on that, you're about to get married.

You've got $70,000. You're not talking about it with her, but what you're going to do with that money. Here's what I'm going to do with this, this extra cash that I have. Is that a sign of things to come that you're going to take money out of the account and just decide what to do with it and decide where it should go and why it's better to do it here or there? That's kind. Of what I mean about like, this feels like the beginning of a series of tests, right?

How else he can disappoint her? Yeah. Right. And I think we might be digging, you know, we analyze things, I think, a little bit deeper. I don't think we're going too deep here. No, I don't think we are either. I don't think we are either, but some people might. But I thought it was a really thought provoking question because it it's encouraged a bigger discussion of, well, what what's behind it and what's going to be expected of her and why can't she have needs and why

can't she want a ring? Right? He's deciding for her, for her. What's more important. No, I'm not OK with it. So what was your answer? Do you think she's being irrational or reasonable or? Well, like I said, you know, the money's already spent, so she might as well ask for the ring. But also, I think, you know, like I said, he's obviously if he has a spare 70,000, he has a spare 5 or 10,000, right? Yes.

And yeah, it would be important for me to know that he did this because he wanted to and not as some sort of introductory test, which is going to be like a series of like ensuring that I never push back. So right. Yeah, I think. It's done to silence her, I think, to control her. For sure. That's my personal opinion. I think so. So fuck that guy and let's move on to the next letter. OK, so goes we'd love your thoughts on a dating conundrum. Why didn't I drop off after that?

Appeared to go very well and went on a date this weekend where I felt totally comfortable and had fun and went into it with low expectations and was surprised honestly at how great of a time we had. We were laughing the whole time, hung out for six hours and were physically affectionate and kissed at the end. They gave the guy my number at the end and left completely confident about how it had gone.

He texted me later that evening thanking me for a great time and said he had a great time connecting. I asked if he was interested in hanging out again and he sends me this long text which was honestly sweet, about how he wasn't as ready to date as he thought he was and that he

didn't quite feel the connection that he would need to feel to move forward romantically. Am I delusional for being confused by how affectionate he was and how much we seem to vibe on the date? Taking the rejection in stride, but I am feeling a bit of whiplash. This is the emotional whiplash we were we were talking about earlier in the episode. And so this is very common, right? It is, and it's can be very, very confusing, but it can also be very triggering, right?

There's sort of 22 levels to this. Her confusion is totally normal. Yeah, very understandable. But what ends up happening for a lot of people is they internalize it. They start questioning themselves. It alters their perception of reality. And it's sort of, it kind of tears open a wound. So why do people do this? I, what I'm, what I think is interesting is he went through all the motions and then then he tells her, you know what? I don't think I'm as ready to date as I thought it was.

And I didn't feel the connection I would need to move forward. Well, how would you know that? Because you're not ready to date. Those are two kind of those don't align right. First you're saying I'm not in the right headspace, but then you're saying, well, I, I know how I should feel. I'm not feeling it. That to me, that to me is incongruous. And, and I think the main, I think the real reason was I'm just not feeling what I need to feel to move forward.

So, so then why did he do it? Because he doesn't attach as much significance to this behavior as you do. I mean, I feel like the key thing to always remember about men is they will continue to take from you as long as you

continue to give. 100. Percent, they will not stop out of decency or consideration. Or empathy. Whatever you offer so well, it really does not indicate at all how they feel. If they have sex with you, if they hold your hand, if they hold the door for you, if they laugh at your jokes, they make you laugh. Doesn't tell you anything about how he's feeling. Other than like what? He's a good conversationalist and a good date. You know what tells you whether or not they truly care about you?

Do they put your needs above theirs? That's how you know. Yeah, yeah. That's that's the real, that's the real sign. Yeah, foreign actions in my. Right, the actions, but not just actions like, oh, he plans the dates and he buys me that. No. Does he make himself uncomfortable to make you comfortable? Right. Well, I mean, I think that

happens eventually. I don't know that that's reasonable to expect on a first or second date, which is why it's so important to not have these marathon dates. Listen, this is the thing about the marathon dates, is that the tricky part here is the brain chemistry. It alters everything. Yep, it does. That oxytocin, you're going to start being more trusting than you should be. You're going to start seeing

more of a connection. That's then what is probably there and you're going to form a bond, which makes sense because what typically happens on those six hour dates, They start becoming very emotionally vulnerable and emotionally intimate. I mean, yeah, eventually you're going to talk about something real, right?

Right, because you're going to start sharing experiences and you're going to start feeling closer and you're going to start telling yourself, well, they must really feel comfortable with me if they're telling me these things. And that's going to contribute to this idea of wow, they must really like me. They must really feel safe with me. Right. I was going to say. And then after the fact you're going to convince yourself that like, oh, that's like the

equivalent of three days. We just zoomed out. Right, right. Yeah, exactly. Nope, there's there's no shortcuts here. No, now I want to talk to the people who when they find themselves in this situation, they have an extreme reaction, right? I brought it up earlier to many people who have any kind of history of trauma or who have, and this is very important, who have dealt with relationships where things were very emotionally inconsistent, this kind of you're being led on essentially.

And so when this happens, you know, every, everything's going great, your nervous system's regulated. And then when this happens, your nervous system becomes dysregulated. And when that starts, that's when you start having all of the, you sort of go into fight or flight because, because remember, your, your brain only knows what you're feeling it it doesn't know the context of the situation. So when you feel this great disappointment, your brain goes, uh oh, this is bad.

That's when PTSD kicks in or kicks in. And that's when when your your brain starts to think, oh, oh, boy, we're not, we're not safe. Yeah. And. Dredges up all this old stuff. Right. It dredges up all that old stuff. This. It completely disorients your sense of reality and it makes you go. Was that in my head? Like, and then you start feeling stupid. Did I just imagine that? Oh, my God, I can't believe I told them that. Oh my God, I'm so stupid.

Yeah. Because as women, we're we're just conditioned to always just blame ourselves for sure. And if you right, and if you have any kind of attachment wound, that that sudden detachment, that sudden abandonment can be really traumatizing. Yeah. And, you know, there's this kind of potentially, did you really even have informed consent to be emotionally intimate? And we really should prioritize emotional intimacy up there with physical intimacy?

And did this person misrepresent themselves to get you to open up? Do you think so? Do I think so in this situation or do I think emotional intimacy is is should be on the? Same happen in this situation. I don't know. We don't know enough.

We know how she felt. We know it was a six hour date, so I'm assuming, I'm assuming this guy really, you know what this sounds like to me. It sounds to me like someone fresh off a breakup or recent breakup just started dating again and was really just wanted to be out with a woman and potentially get laid. And that didn't happen. And so right, so that's. The vibe I got as well. Right. And so in a case like that,

yeah. Do I think that that they they were, they were emotionally intimate without informed consent? Yeah. In a situation like that where they're telling somebody they're looking for a relationship when they know they're not. And even even if they didn't know, even if they didn't know, if you behave one way and then after the fact you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, I don't really feel that way. No, this is what we need to be responsible. We need to be responsible to our actions and we need to be

considerate. And this is the problem that we have with women. We not say things like, I just don't want to, I don't want to lead them on. We think that way. Men don't. They don't. Yeah, no, they really need to. I mean, for like, for men, the worst thing they can imagine is being uncomfortable, which is part of why they do this too. Like they probably a part of him was like maybe we'll have sex if I just wait this out. Right. Isn't that the point of the marathon date in the 1st?

Place but then also he probably was like, you know, subconsciously or on one level thinking it's it's going to be easier to do this later than in person. I'm going to just roll with this for now. It's pleasant enough. I'm having an OK time and we might have sex. Right, agreed. Now the question is what? What can you do when this happens, right? I think we have totally different takes on this, you and I. Well, we're going to talk about this in two ways.

We're going to talk about this as the person who this isn't sort of triggering for, and then we're going to talk about it for the person that it is triggering for. And in the first situation for the person that's not triggering. For me this is a block and delete situation. Well, I would say it's definitely shitty behavior, but it's also part of dating. It's just, it is, you're just going to have this and, and furthermore, I would say you're going to do this at some point,

right? Except when you do this, it'll be because it feels less safe for you as a woman to leave in the middle of the date, right? You won't be like, maybe we'll have sex, right? You'll just, you'll just be thinking it's going to be more comfortable to do this over text. Right. So you're going. To do this too, it's just part of the correct but that doesn't negate the fact that it it makes you feel like you're losing your grip on reality right you start to really question whether you're.

Right. And that is, that's the shared reaction, yes, between the two, right? That's the shared reaction of wait, was this in my head, right? Did I? And in some cases, I wouldn't say it's in your head, it's that your brain chemistry has conveyed convinced you of something that wasn't wasn't accurate. Or maybe, for whatever reason, you wanted to believe, right? Right. In both situations, the initial reaction should be to say to yourself, listen, it felt real

to me and that's what matters. Whether or not it felt real to him, OK, it felt real to me. And don't pass judgment on it for sort of, you know, getting not invested but hoping. For getting fooled. Don't think, oh, I got fooled. Whether you did or didn't what you reframe it and say, well, it felt real to me. And the reason you're doing that is so that you don't start going down the shame spiral, right?

You, you don't want to. Oh my God, I was so this and why did I you don't want to do that because that's just going to that's that's not going to lead to a good place. And you need to maybe start rebuilding trust within yourself in terms of your instincts, because in situations like this, I, I don't think this is AI, didn't my instincts were wrong

or my intuition. Oh no, there were no reflex. Right, right, right. Exactly. You believed it because he wanted you to believe it. That's that's the thing to remember. You believed it because he wanted you to believe it. And that's why it's so important to validate your own experience. And like I said, it was real to me. And then you want to reframe this as this is about them. It's not about me. Because as women, we tend to internalize and blame ourselves and we start focusing on

ourselves. And we sit there and we try to pinpoint, well, what did I do wrong and what happened? Did I miss a sign? Did you? Probably not right? This is how women react to it. Most men do not a lot of men they get, they get angry and they'll, they'll take men, they're not going to do the introspection. We're just going to take it out on you, whereas we take it on ourselves. So try not to do that, right? Try not to do that. Try to reframe it as this is, this is a them problem.

This is not a me problem because I didn't do anything wrong and just try and this is so hard. Try not to personalize it. You know, a lot of people like in this letter, they think they're ready to date, but they're not. They think they're over somebody, but they're not right? They, they think they're ready for a relationship, but they're not, they're not emotionally available. They, they have listen, self-awareness is not common in men. It's really not.

They're not, they don't, they're not encouraged to be self aware that they, they socialized to what's the word I'm looking for? They're not socialized to care how their their behavior effects other people. Right. No, not at all. Right, whereas we are so just reframe it, try not to personalize it. Make sure to validate your experience, reconnect with your

body, right? Because that nervous system dysregulation can throw you out of whack a little bit and that you can do a grounding exercise, you can write in a journal. And again, I know I keep saying this, I really love journaling. I've really gotten so much help and healing from journaling. That's a great way to reconnect to yourself. So try that. And I would also put A and also put a sign up somewhere that says fuck that guy and look at it and say it out loud. I know that sounds hokey.

Fuck that guy. I know how I felt. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know right now I'm not feeling guilty or feeling bad that I could have hurt somebody. I didn't potentially hurt somebody. That's how you, we must reframe it because we're so quick to blame ourselves immediately reframe it. This isn't about me, this is about them. I didn't do anything to hurt anybody. I didn't do anything to confuse anybody. I didn't give any mixed signals.

I did the right thing and I was I was the right, I was a good person here. Reframe it so that you don't start personalizing it and going down the rabbit. What are the? Practical like preventative measure for next time to just yeah, just try to avoid these marathon dates like please. You don't necessarily have to double book yourself for the evening, but he should think you. Are yeah doctor that either.

No, I'm not saying schedule 2 dates, but like maybe make plans with friends afterward or or just, you know, act as if you have somewhere to be after because you need to give yourself a time limit. Right, but also when you get home, have something to do when you get home. Exactly. To re channel, start reading a book you don't even. Have to go home, that's what I'm saying. Right.

But if you do read a book, watch a movie, do something else that so you can create that mental space between yourself and that date and so that the oxytocin and all of that stuff can all those brain chemicals can normalize. And then you can look at it with fresh eyes and say, OK, we had a great time. They might call me again or they might text me again, but there's a real chance that they won't. And either way, I'm OK. Well, I like that. Either way, I'm OK. I'm going to put that on a mug

too. Right next to the fuck that guy won. So that's I. I can't stress. The reframing is so important and fuck that guy. Indeed. Sarah, any final thoughts? No, this is a good one. I think this was. This was like. It's hard for everybody to date. I guess it's the take away, you know, Dating men, dating women, they're all going to behave

badly sometime and so are you. All right, make sure you're following us on Worth the Wait Show on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. If you want to send in your dating questions, send them to hello@datologycoach.com or just go to datologycoach.com to submit the question. If you want not just our recaps on and just like that, but advice or feedback that we think is maybe a little too spicy for the public feed, go to patreon.com/worth the Wait Show

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