Finishing One Of Ben Shapiro's Terrible Short Stories

What's what's anyway? This is a podcast, which you know you you probably know this is a podcast unless you are someone who was living in an isolated hunter gatherer tribe and plane crashed over your territory and the corpse of a passenger was sucked out and landed in your in your area, and it just so happened that their phone hit a branch on the way down that had like the right the consistency or whatever was the right amount of wet that that it actually unlocked the screen

and it pressed start on a podcast. And you're hearing this as your first recorded voices that that that have you've ever listened to. And if that's the case, stay away from civilization. Just just keep doing what you're doing. Do not do not, do not go past the trees. Yeah, turn around, go back. Congratulations on learning English. Yeah really you're a quick learner. Love that for you. Just stop right there. Yeah, do not Spotify is enticing, I get it,

but but there's nothing. There's nothing on here that's going to make you happy. Ultimately, for the love of God's stay off of Twitter. Please stay off of Twitter. Do not open that app, um. But to everybody else, welcome back to ever podcasts that we are recording right now. My name is Cody and I've got a last name too, has everybody else doing? Johnston? The name of you I've got, I've got between two and three of them, depending on

how you what you consider a name. Um, give us two to three of what you consider I don't want to know what you mean. Yeah, Um, you know everyone has three names, right, you got your middle name, you get your first name back. Not everybody has a middle name I do. Do you guys know what my middle name is? Do you even know what my real name is? My full name is Cataford Datavin and I love that Kathleen based off of my first name, Kathleen. What do

you think my middle name is? Yes, he gets it, Kathleen, Jessica bille Stole. So I have four names that all belong exclusively to me. We're just really shooting the ship, um, and we've got something fun to do today. Everybody listening except for the first person that that Robert, Oh, yeah,

not that person. Except for that except for that person um knows that we are reading Ben Shapiro's short stories as a fun little treat, and uh, Cody was regaling us with the first story, and we have gotten precisely halfway through, um, this work of art written in point font. Yeah, like a children's book. Not a lot of paragraphs on the page. And still yet too many paragraphs and too many Yeah really walks that line. Yeah, when we met our hero, it's not good. It's not meant to mhm.

We found out on page nine that the guy's name is Tommy, right thing, we found it as a trend in Ben Shapiro. He doesn't he doesn't necessarily like you knowing who the characters are or what their relationships are to each other. He likes to keep that mystery. It's like fog of war in an RTS, but for the very basics of of plot structure. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta play a few levels before you can really see the full map. By map, i mean the character's name. Yeah, yeah,

it's it's it's pretty. It's bold storytelling. I'll call it. Got to send you gotta send your scouts out. Yeah, it's like a mammoth tank. You don't get the mammoth tank until it's like seven or eight episodes into the campaign. You don't learn the character's first the character's name until nine pages in exactly you got you gotta work for it, and boy did we. Uh. Tommy works on a farm kind of and he thinks everything should be fair and he's learning a tough lesson about what is fair. That's

the name. Oh story, story, that's fair. Um, and his brother has this way. It's a great idea on how to like make farming the wave of the future. Yeah, you need more air in your more air in the soil. Nobody thought about this until Also remember in the span of like a paragraph, Tommy fell in love with his or no, his brother fell in love with Jim. Yeah, and took her and then they're married. I really covered a lot of him. Yeah, Um, his mom sick, dad's

dad lost his knife in the woods. It's really again, if you're trying to actually, if you're trying to actually, like, like, if you wanted to write a story that was good and included a care arcter who was trying to single handedly develop a new innovation to improve crop yields. Tractor doesn't really make any sense against just just does not make any any sense in a number of ways. Maybe have him go to school and learn chemistry and be like a soil scientist to develop some new like fertilizers.

And I'm just saying it would be harder to poke holes than that, because you could just say, yeah, he developed an amazing new fertilizer, and you don't even need to go into that much detail. He's just like, was spending a lot of time and he developed a fertilizer and it worked great. You don't have to do this sweaty ass fucking anyway. Whatever. Sorry, it's just very frustrating that Ben Shapiro does not know the first thing about growing stuff. You do not need to apologize for anything.

You are right, I validate you ever power. Yeah, tell that to the guy I hit with my car yesterday. Well I would you can't you know alive? Anyway, let's continue. Well, when last we met our heroes, and with Jim out of control, everything spun out of control, yes soon and was having to take care of the Yeah, oh it was how we concluded. It was big. It was a big the big reveal the amount of control everything spun out of control. Ben Shapiro never read his own book.

He didn't read it a second time the first time. I guess I just need to I'm sure everybody's knows this already. Feels like I have to point it out again. My biggest pet peeve with his writing is how often he overuses the same word within the same sentence, or you know, within two sentences. But I'm sure that's the last instance. Soon m was having to take care of the finances, which meant that I was having to take care of mom, and I was still working in the fields. Meanwhile,

Jim was obsessed with that machine. One day, it was hot as blazes outside, so hot, goddamn it, so hot that the sweat would dry on your forehead and then break out again until you felt like you didn't have any moisture at all left inside you. Has been been in the heat. That's terrible. That's a terrible description of what it's like when it's hot. He spent so many words describing how hot it is, and we don't even

know if it's a dry heat or a humid heat. Well, I think are we talking like that you have any moisture at all left inside you? A desert furnace or are we talking like Texas heat where like all the moisture gets sucked out of your body instantly, and like what are you anyway? Sorry again for anything? Ever? Yeah, I was out in the fields as usual, and Jim was in the barn cool as a cucumber. Heat even brought. He had even brought a little unit air conditioner out

there with him. I need to keep my head clear, he had told m He'd told all right, the heat was so soggy that the waves were coming up off the ground like gas out of an oven. There you go. He was so soggy so that the waves were coming up off the ground like gas oon oven. That's that's a fine description. I'll give it to him, Okay. But I stopped for a moment to wipe off my forehead. That's when I looked up at the house, new paragraph.

It was burning. Oh dear, okay. I hollered at the top of my lungs for Jim to get in there and find out what the hell was going on. Cody. I'm like, Jim, Jim, come here as burning. There we go, uh Jim to an answer, I hollered again. Silence from the barn. My first thought was that a fuse must have busted in the house. But when I sprinted towards the house, I could see that the smoke was coming from inside the house. That's bad, from Jim's old room, Mom's room. I busted into the house. I busted into

the house. I busted into the house like I was breaking through a defensive line, and rammed my way upstairs. There was Mom in the bed and her sheet was on fire. Jimmy, I hollered, am who came to help me? How was she like smoking? Because she wasn't set up as a smoker, not, not the rest of the room, just the the house was not on fire. Then well he saw smoke. That that I'm fine with. It's more like how because he didn't set her up as a smoker? Did her? There's no context here, and I'm sure he

will say it. Maybe you will find out smoked like and like, Look, it's not a huge deal. But he's not using those words to describe describe. No, I mean me saying to like. I looked up and that's when I noticed the house was on fire or whatever. I called out to Jim to tell him the house was on fire. You could say there's black smoke coming from Mom's room. The house is on fire, suggests an enormous blaze, right versus theres some smoke fire anyway? You get my point?

Bad bad, Yeah, apparently the house is not on fire, but rather one sheet in the in the mom's room was on fire. Or maybe well maybe maybe he will look uh Jimmy. But it was m who came to help me. She rushed in with a bucket of water and daused Mom in the bed. I grabbed an old dress and started whacking away at the fire. Pretty soon, between the two of us we'd put it out. Okay, so fires out, Well, that's good. I sat there panting for a minute. Mom was sitting there, holding a box

of matches and crying. She didn't know what she was doing, and I started to get mad. I ran down the stairs and called after me, but I didn't care. I went out and rhyming, they're not really. I didn't care. It's whatever, it's what, it's whatever, it's not, it's unimportant. I went outside and headed for the barn. Sure enough, Jim was under that plow again. I stood there for a minute, then too, it's not his fault. Yeah, he doesn't does he? Could he hear you? This? Okay? I'm sorry.

This guy kid sounds like he just has so much resentment for his big brother that everything he's trying to make everything in his life his brother's problem. Which problem. It's not fair that he's been written by Ben Ship you guys, Okay, okay, guys. I know what this reminds

me of. Now. Um, I've been spending a lot of time on the am I Am I the Asshole Reddit yah, and this sounds like and in my the asshole thing where someone's like and can you believe this guy was out there working on his tractor and you're like, dude, what do you mean he's working? Sounds like that any who. But also I thought the house was on fire, right, Yeah? Right? I mean yea. I sit there for a minute, then two. It must have taken the bastard five solid minutes to

notice me. Why didn't you like speak up? Yeah? I must have taken all right. When he did, he got out from under the plow, stood up, gave a kind of little smile and asked what was wrong? And I knocked him flat on his ass. What it's un Listen, Jim, I said to him, you've been I mean, but also I think that's the point, right, like the this, this, what's his name, Tommy, it's supposed to like he's like I thought everything supposed to be fair, and I'm and

like he like he's being unreasonable. Maybe I don't know. I said to him, you've been having it sorry, I mean, yeah, you've been having it your own way all this time, but some things are gonna change. You've been king at this place for our whole life. But I've had enough of it. I want my peace. He looked at me, and I could see he really didn't understand what was going on. Here was this smart guy, and all of

a sudden he was playing stupid. I started to holler again, I'm out there busting out hump to bring into bread, and you're sitting here underneath this damn machine all day long, tinkering with nothing. I could see Jim was starting to get mad. It took a lot to get Jim mad. He'd look distant behind his eyes somehow, like he was hiding behind a wall. His eyes would go kind of cold, and his fists would clench and unclenched. He stood up and stared at me. The vein in his forehead was

popping out. Now me, he said, you don't do anything of importance around here. Do you think I need you to run this place? I gotta hire a field hand for one quarter of the price. I'm doing it at a charity for you. You never held down a real job. You're still going on and on about your days back in high school. Nobody cares anymore. First of all, isn't that is a real job. He is holding me down

a real job. He's doing a real job right now. Well, right, if if you assume that what Ben Shapiro says about tractors is true, yes, right, like exactly, like within the world that he has created, that he's doing a job anyway, I produce. The spark in his eyes was beginning to return. I knew this meant he was especially mad. You aren't worth anything you've got, all right? First of all? Right, now, well,

so that's the issue that I'm running into now. Um. Traditionally, um, when writing prose and fiction, you uh, it's a new paragraph when there's a new speaker. M. Yeah, that's what I'm bit of dialogue and then you okay, then they say their piece, and maybe that's not no. So in the same paragraph I produce, we assume that that's Tommy saying this, Um. It does not indicate that, but it's then wait a second, I'm not positive that it is. It might be Jim. Back up, back it up, back

it up, back it up. So there's a Okay, so here's a paragraph Tommy, you don't do nothing, blah blah blah blah blah. I could nobody cares anymore. And there's no quotation mark at the end of that paragraph, which indicates that well, that usually indicates like, okay, new paragraph, it's a new person speaking. And then the next thing is I produce. I don't like. I don't know why he made that a new paragraph. Um, I'm presuming that's Tommy. Okay,

nobody cares anymore. New paragraph I produce, So I guess that is tom it's Jim saying that. It seems like Tommy is saying a response no I produce, but Jim is actually saying it. Um. Yeah. So the Parker's eyes was beginning to return. I knew this man. He was especially mad. You aren't worth anything. You've got no education, you've got no prospects. You know what Dad told me before I left for school. He said, look after Tommy. If anything happens Jimmy, he can't take care of himself.

So what do you think I've been doing? Okay, so it was yeah, Jimmy, Jimmy and Tommy, come on, Ben can help us out here. Um. I started to talk, but he gave me a look that said I'd better shut my mouth. He I thought you knocked him out

or whatever. He kept going. You know, you know what I've been doing in this barn all this time, trying to make something for myself and for m sure, but mostly I've been trying to take care of you still, even though you're sullen and you're lazy, and you're ungrateful, and you think somehow I've cheated you, even though I spent years helping you with your homework, teaching you the rules of football. I've got that man from State Capital State, come see you play again. I I'm not a I'm

not an expert. I'm not even good at sports. But I did play football, and I can confidently say that if been Shapiro knew anything about sports, he would have written it to be something like taught you how to throw? You know, you know, like like, like, taught you how to actually throw football is a thing no one would ever say, right, you don't need like, yeah, the technique

is what you teach. Yeah, you wouldn't. You would say my brother taught me the rules the rules of football would be like, yeah, my brother taught me how to catch a pass, you know, exact. There's a number of things you could say that wouldn't sound like you were a fucking moon man. All right, So Tommy taught wait, yeah, so Tommy, Tommy taught Jimmy. Seriously, uh, Tommy, touch me teaching these rules football? Hell, I haven't got that man

from state to come see you play. When this thing makes us a million bucks, I'm planning on sending you back to college so you can make something in yourself. But if you want to leave, you pick up and you get the hell out. He pointed at the door I left. When I look back, he was under that plow again. So like this is a little it's like because like I think that what's going on here is that Ben is speaking through Tommy. Yes, like Jim the main character, the narrator is the ungrateful like but like

he but he works hard on the farm. Every day, Like he made that clear that that's what's going on. So like I don't know, right, like he's working hard. I think what what Ben is trying to do is have one of those story arias were like, you've got an unreliable narrator and so Jim think or been whatever whichever the Tommy I guess whoever the Jim Jimmy, Jimmy is Jimmy the viewpoint character Jim one find and replace and make one of them called fucking Dale or something.

So it's a seriously right there changed one of the

names doesn't matter, which, yeah, literally any of them. Um, But I think what he's trying to do is have an unreliable narrator thing where like the narrator thinks that he's keeping the farm going, but really it's his brother, and like that's supposed to be like that twist moment where suddenly like the whole perspective shifts and you're right, But he doesn't do any of the work, Like he does nothing to actually establish that if that's what he's

trying to do. If that's what he's trying to do, but he neither of the characters, um, problems with each other are warranted, like does that make sense, Like you're mad at at Tommy for some reason that's not Like this is not explained and doesn't make sense, and Tommy work is accusing things, accusing Jimmy of things that Ben has not illustrated and has actually said the opposite of it's a confusing mess, and it's been did the work to set up that, like okay, they had like a

competition over a woman and his brother like married the girl he was in love with, barely work, barely wait, and and we don't there's no like going back to that that's not built on as like it would be like we're not he's not doing the work to be like okay, And now we're going to show how that resentment gradually snowballs and this gets time and that it's just like, yeah, that happened. Let's move on to the next thing that I'm going to bluntly explain happening to you.

And at no point do we we don't feel any kind of building resentment, you know, there's no right, there's no momentum to the anger. Yes, what Katie pointed out like last last time time, like it's a list of facts. There are feelings. It's yeah, exactly. Now you know who whose anger does have tremendous momentum and will one day burn the entire world? Uh, it might be, It might be. It could be any of the products and services that support this podcast. That's the beauty of products and services.

Any one of them could end all life on human earth. Find out which find out? Yeah, break together everything and we're back, and you know what. About a week later, I heard some stir in the house in the middle of the night. I figure, I have to I'm sorry, so we're back. Uh, he could have shown that like he was like the unreliable narrator aspect, you show that he's actually not doing the work even though he claims

he's not. He's he is doing the work, right, Like you have him claim that this is going on, but you sort of like show some moments of him not doing It doesn't matter anyway. About a week later, I heard something stir in the house in the middle of the night. I figured that maybe it was Mom, so I slipped on my pants and stepped into the hallway. Mom's lights out. I don't know Mom's light was out, but the light from downstairs the kitchen was on. I guess it wasn't a mouse. I could hear Jimmy snoring

in the other room. It rattled the door to his room, a little powerful snore. I tiptoed downstairs. As I got closer to the kitchen, I could hear the sniff right, that sounds like sleep apnea. Oh yeah, he's got he needs another machine used to fix the air in the uh. As I got closer to the kitchen, I could hear the sniffling. I nudged open the door, and sure enough and was sitting at the table with her head in her hands. I sat down next to her and asked

her what was wrong. I didn't want any of this, she said. Her snot was dripping a little, but she looked as beautiful as ever. She was wearing her robe and it was open just a little at the top. I could see her breathing. All right, any of my head on the desk? Yeah, um uh, formatting issues can to ignore uh this, she said. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to have to take care of mom, or be a farmer's wife, or watch my man start to lose his mind from being pent up in this

little cage of a town. She looked so beautiful with the tears in her eyes. Oh my god, Ben, you already said that, and like whatever dripping down her face, I reached over and wiped them off with my big meaty hand. Okay, all right, Ben, Okay, he's given himself a physical description, but he gives himself meaty hand. Yeah, I have got this. Yeah, so I guess he's a big boy. I'll give it to him. I'm fairly certain. I'm fairly certain that I've heard meaty hands used before.

I don't think i've ever heard a character describe their own hands as meaty'. That's something that you describe somebody else with. But also, um, if you're just gonna slip that in right now, you would think that you would have told us slipped something in earlier to suggest that you're a large person, Like that's never been as far as I can remember, spurt right, right, But what we're not like saying like I lumbered through or X yeah no, yeah,

like a like a writer. Um, Also, I can't I just like you already said, she looks beautiful while crying. You don't need to say the second time. You don't need to say it the first time. But you don't need to. I really dislike I mean, yeah, it's it's it's like super trophy, just trophy, but also just a male male characters that are like ignited by women's vulnerability or like the sexualization of that, you know what I mean. Where he's there, he's uh, well he's started like a

savior hero role but that was open. Yeah, he's he's getting turned on by Yeah, but Ben can't actually write like people think of this as romantic, but men think that that's romantic. Men think of or like not you guys, but in general, like this accepted idea in our literature and our things of like this this trope, and I dislike it. Yeah, yeah, I mean I would. I would be more forgiving of it if he was at least

like competently doing that. Like, but there's no you know, you've got two options if you're going to try to write like romance um. One of them is to be very descriptive of it um if that's the kind of thing your story is. And another is to be circumspect but clear to where like, you know, there's building tension and then you kind of have the character acknowledge and then we like we we you know, we we cheated

on it or whatever. Like you you can kind of very bluntly and briefly go over what happened if you don't want to be like writing it out explicitly but been somehow like threads the needle of doing neither. Um, that's good, it's good. Yeah, we like it. Yeah, um, it's also we don't need to get into this too much.

But there's like a trend I've noticed on like TikTok about about Katie, what you're talking about, and just like these like you know, guys like doing the fake crying and like these fake stories of like oh you were abused or like this, and like I'm helping you like this sort of like hero fantasy. It's really I have not seen it, but I don't want it. You don't, and now I probably will because my fucking phone is almost certainly listening. I bet within the next week I'll

see some of those videos somewhere. Any who. Any who, she looked so beautiful with the tears in her eyes dripping down her face. I reached over and wiped them off with my big meaty hand. Wait is that a second one? No? No, no, I'm just catching us up just like. Uh, I wish he did it, just like literally forbade him a second time. Do you remember when I first brought you here, I asked her. Of course, that's when I first met Jimmy. I stumbled for the right words. You know, I had a crush on you.

Do you remember we almost a frightened look across her face. No, she finally answered, I liked you a lot, Tommy, but never like that. That struck me hard. Sure you did, I said, if Jimmy hadn't been home, I locked you a lot, Tommy, she said again, but I lacked a lot of guys. It was different with Jimmy. I put my hand out. Oh not your big meaty hand, all right. I put my hand out and touched her arm. It didn't make any sense, but she pulled away. I hate him so much, Okay, I think he is trying to

do the unreliable narrator, you know, in his head. They were right on the edge of doing things, and she was like, no, I was never interested in you. But again he's bad at it. He's doing like I didn't think that. Like this scene makes sense to me. I like reading it, like yeah, that she wasn't into you man, she liked your brother and and the end. Uh. But I put my not big or meaty hand out and touched her her wayfish thin, little dainty arm serious. No no, no, no no, it just says I put my hand out

and touched her arm. Okay, that's fine. Whatever, you don't always be purple. Good for you. It didn't make any sense, but she pulled away. What it seems like it didn't make sense based on the things that she said, or it didn't make any sense, and she pulled away like her pulling away is part of the thing that doesn't make ends. So the word but doesn't work there, nippicky doesn't matter what. I got up and walked out of the house. Then I ran a new section. This is okay.

I found myself in the woods. It was dark all right, but I okay, it was dark all right, but I've been in those woods many times, so I could see what about to find out he's part cat. That is not how light works like night division alright, Like like it was dark alright, but I've been in those woods many times, so I could like navigate, like I knew where I was going. Yeah, yeah, so I knew where

I was going. It was I could go through. Yeah, it's dark, but I know this that Yeah, the next line j K ran into tree and just kidding a fucking eight ships real bad, my, my big meaty pinky toe. It was dark, all right, but I've been in those woods many times, so I could see. I didn't know what I was looking for. Maybe I just needed to clear my head, that's obviously what is the situation. The woods had grown over since I was a kid, so you're not taking care of the woods around your farm,

all right. And I stumbled on some tree roots, scraped up my arms pretty bad, cursed my own stupidity. So there's not a j K. But yeah, but yeah, literally he did fucking follow his stupid face or his arms. He scraped up his arms pretty bad, cursed his own stupidity. How could I have said that to m? Humiliated myself like that? Um, I'm sorry, center, Yeah, humiliated yourself. Okay, But more than that, you made a woman on com trible.

You crossed multiple boundaries. Um, you touched her face with your big meaty hands and you and you violated her personal space. Let's you noticed her robe was open and you can see her breathing. Don't feel embarrassed, feel ashamed any who. All right, here's where it gets real salty. And how could she say that to me? She knew she was lying to me and to her side. I remembered holding her in my arms, and I remember Jimmy's

smiling smart face. Smiling smart face. I think Ben is Katie, but yeah, I do too, But I think this character has a little bit of that butter and her eyes turning up to meet his. The cold water rushing through my boots brought me back to reality. What okay, oh okay, I'd walked right into the creek and my feet were soaked. I'd be slashing my way back home to I thought. Then I saw it glinting there beneath the rock. It was like the movies. A beam of moonlight was hitting

it just right my hunting knife. I took it. What how many years ago? How many year doesn't seem like it would still be well? I mean, yeah, even if it's stainless, it's probably not going to be still shining. After again, he couldn't have just walked and found like in the direction of where he threw it. It doesn't

seem like he ever looked for it. We never hear about him looking for it because he was one of those you know how young boys when their brother gets a watch and they get a huge knife, they're always bummed because all young boys love watches, which I had that. Yeah, is that a stupid knife? God? Um, I have to Then I saw it glinting there beneath the rock. If it was beneath the rock, then you can't see it. Then it's beneath the rock. Right, Am I reading that correctly? Yeah?

I don't know. I don't see the words. But then I saw it glinting there beneath a rock. You're right, it's not logical. I get the implication that maybe it's peeking out, but you could say peeking out the rock or like wedge to the side of the rock. I get, like rights, Like so much of Ben's writing is like they get what I mean right right, Like yeah, it's good enough, sure, sure, but like whatever, only pussies that at their work. Yeah, in agreement about that. Why would

you read something a second time or a first time? Yeah? The first time anyone reads your work should be someone who's not you reading it. Would you self publish it wouldn't be surprised. So we got we got about three and a half four more pages of this, I would say, masterpiece. So we're gonna take a short break to let the people know that the whatever, the product or services that you're about to hear about, supports this story. UM and Ben's writing UM unquote. Everybody on that I don't know,

that's what you must say. They love it everything. It wasn't two days before Jimmy. It wasn't two days before Jimmy came running into How long wasn't dinner time? How long was it? It was, Well, it wasn't two days. It certainly wasn't it was one or three, or four or five or six or seven or eight or nine. But it wasn't any number of days other than two. Okay, it wasn't two days before Jimmy came running into the

house around dinner time. Everything had been awkward in the house between me and M or M and me, but I'm not sure Jimmy had noticed anything. Now he came rushing into the kitchen, his hands were covered in grease. It works, he whispered, it works. It's exclamation point in the next part. Um, so he whispered, and then shouted, Wait a minute. How is that it works? He whispered, it works. Yeah. Uh. He reached out and grabbed him and whirled her around like a pin wheel. Her skirt

flew up a little and I looked away. Yeah, good guy, ben. Uh. He looked at me too, and his eyes were bright. Tommy, he said, I want to show you this. M looked confused, but Jimmy grabbed me by the arm. Come on, kid, this is our fortune. Why is 'm confused? She knows she's been He's been working on this thing for a long time. Uh. He led me to the barn. He stood next to the machine. Now, Tommy, I want you

to look really closely watch what I do. We're gonna have to sell these up and down the country, and I'm gonna need your help. You can be my sales deputy. People like you and around here remember when you were scoring touchdowns? Oh, people like you. People like you and people around here, remember when you were scoring touchdowns. He leaned over and pushed a red button. You hit this button, he said, and that gets the motor going. Now look underneath.

I squatted and I saw a whole new fangled blade system underneath the plow. It was jumping and shaking in a queer way. What the fuck? Then, okay you can just say, odd man, Uh, that aerates the soil better, Like yeah, I mean everything with this tractor is nonsense. But whatever that areates the soil better. You don't have to know how it works. You just have to know that it does. That's convenient. He popped over to do not know how it works? Well, you don't need to know,

so yeah, yeah, I don't think about it. Um, ignore it, close your eyes. Uh, just go to sleep. Just got asleep. He hopped over to me like a jack rabbit and grabbed me by the arms. Keeps doing that, kiddo. We're all set from here to the flood. You're a junior Floods Capitalized, you're a junior partner in the firm, and we're headed right to the top. His smile was infectious. I could feel myself smiling too. And then the knife was up under his ribs. He looked so confused. For

a minute. I was a minute I was confused too. Then the blood started to gurgle from his mouth and I pushed him back, and the machine was still bucking and shaking, and his legs went out from under him, and before he could say or do anything, my foot came out from under me and kicked him in the ribs, and he grunted, and he rolled under that machine he loved, and the ground was covered with his blood. That was

one sentence. By the way, Wow, he was a reliable narrator, so he didn't he he throws, he stabs his brother, and his brother gets eaten by the tractor. He rolled onto that machine. Everything else it's not as incompetent as other passages in the story of Ben. It's not good, no good. A lot of commas, but a lot a lot of commas. What are you gonna do? Uh? Spans two pages. He didn't say anything, He didn't scream, but m did when I came in the house covered with

his blood new section. After the funeral, the police came to see me, but there was nothing to say about it. He'd been mashed up by that machine, so there was no evidence. They just said it was tough for me. There was no evidence. Okay, no, nothing to be done. It's good. It's the classic accident. Yeah, classic, like eaten by your own tractor that you were building. Accident happens to the worst of us Man in the Moon. Uh, that was a reference to the R. E. M Song

about what's his name? The guy the comedian? Right? Um, uh it's a Wasn't there like a tractor accident in the movie called the Man in the Moon? Then? Yeah? But was the man from the nineties about and man? Uh no, no, no, they're different things. Where you are referring to the Andy Kaufman uh song by R. E. M. Yes, yes, do you believe? Yeah, yeah, you are correct my references. Nobody listening will know what I'm referring to. And I don't even prove you wrong. It actually happens. Um, yeah,

proved me wrong. So um. The point is there was no evidence. Uh. They just said it was tough for me to go through this now that I was responsible for Mom and M and asked what I would do, and I told them that it was okay. I had a way to take care of things all right. That afternoon, I drove over to the big agricultural machinery store to see the boss, Mr. Ebson. I told him about our new specially aerating mechanical plow and showed him some of Jimmy's papers from his desk. His eyes lit up. He

asked if he could come out and see it. I told him I'd give him a ride. When we got to the barn, I didn't even hesitate. I murdered him right. Uh. It was quiet in there, which I wasn't used to. But I knew that my fortune was lying inside, and I knew that all I needed to do was to hit the little red button. Now watch, if you please, sir, Mr Ebson, I said, in my best fancy voice, you are about to see the machine that will revolutionize American agriculture.

And I hit the button. So he got it back like the cops presumably they took it away when he tore his brother apart, right, Like I mentioned that, that would be just like they left it there, just left it. There's no evidence, cleaned the blood off. Yeah, and then right for the uh huh, Like, isn't he like a guy Like yeah, we need the sucking cops because they

like self murders and stuff. But like they just like, well, we're not gonna take your blood machine filled with your brother's body, you know, Well, we'll leave that with you to clean up. It seems like you've got a good handle on it by now. Good luck very funny. Care nice farm you got here? Ah, So he hit the button and nothing happened. I could feel the sweat start up under my collar. Probably should have tested this out

before you brought him over. Never done it before. Yeah, it's the first time his brother died in the funeral, Like, he's going around pitching this device and he never once thinks I should figure out how to work it before some one's interested. Just not a test run, I'm okaying ahead. Yeah, well you know he's not a he's not a smart man. I got down on my hands and knees and I crawled underneath the machine that had killed my brother. You killed your brother that Uh it was still rust colored

from his blood. I hadn't cleaned it off yet. What he left the blood on there to show it to a guy? He man? So you you're trying to sell this product to like presumably some significant like investor corporation or whatever, and you don't even clean your brother's corpse off of it, Like are there like bits of him still there or is it just his blood? Like? Good God, keep going, keep going. I don't know what Jimmy had done under there, but it didn't look like any normal plow.

It was totally changed. So I hit it a couple of times with a wrench, then got out and smiled. Let me I again, Mr Ebson, I said, I hit the button again, and again nothing happened. Mr Ebson looked at me and shrugged. Well, he said, when you get it working again, come and let me know. I think we can do business together. How do you know that? How do you know that? He just showed you a broken tractor he described a miracle machine and it didn't work. And you're like, I can't wait to see it. You're

very excited for us to work together. I respect the way you didn't clean your brother's shattered corpse off of it before showing it to be all right. He walked towards the door after saying that they're going to be in business together, and sorry about your brother. He was a genius with those things. How do you know he never made one? His first one killed him. We have no we are He never explains that he's actually made

them like it doesn't. He doesn't establish that his brother's operating like a tractor repair of business or something which might make sense. And again, if Ben was a good writer, he would be like breaking the DRM on a bunch of John Deere tractors, and that would lead him to a breakthrough that led him to make a better tractor, and like everyone would know he was attractor genius, so they'd be excited to anyway about this genius tractor man is that he built one that doesn't work that killed him.

That's literally all that's the genius. Uh. Then he was gone. I walked back to the house. It was empty except for Mom and was gone to too. What. Yeah, that's a weird way to phrase that. It was empty except for Mom and was gone too. In addition to who, I guess the guy that left Tommy, I guess Jimmy or whatever, the guy that was just there that left, I don't know. That's stupid. They didn't go to the

house and was gone too. I guess. Uh, like it would have been so much more powerful, even like powerful really putting hard quotes around that, but like it was empty except for Mom. M was gone. That's it period anyway. And I'll tell you right now, it wasn't fair. Yeah, we're here here, we are none of it. I just didn't have the breaks Jimmy had. I wasn't born smart like him. I didn't get the education. I didn't get

the luck or the girl. So now I'm sitting here messing with this damn contraption and I've got Jimmy's rusty blood on my hands, and Mom's in the house waiting for me, and the house is awful quiet. That's the end of it. Oh God, Like what a sort of embarrassing Like look into what he thinks about, like what people think about fairness and like what yes, like anybody who thinks like he was, like evokes the idea of something being fair to be like this like spiteful murderer

or something. What it like? I mean, it's like a commentary of like how people are like that, lazy people are like so and so who doesn't want to work or you know, like yeah, but like he did work and he didn't work right, Like nothing makes sense, nothing is justified, like this is anyway, It's a really bad story, really bad as a parable, it's bad. Um. I'm sorry, everybody listening. I You're welcome everyone listening. And Mary, Merry Christmas.

Something our Christmas episode but it's probably not. But if it is, there's your present. This really good story about a fucking murderer, um for no reason, who found a saw who like saw through a rock for his knife that he never looked for and his genius brother with his tractor that killed him. And I fair with you guys reading terrible, it's so bad, but this was fun. I'd also like, so like, we're we'll be back, We'll be back with more. Um uh here's uh something I

think is just funny about this book. Um it's called What's Fair? Colon and Other short Stories? Um, and I think a much better title would be What's Fair? Colon and two Other short Stories? There are only two others left, one third of the short stories in this book, which only has three stories, three short stories, one of it which is titled What's Fair. It's fair? So weird to release a book that's just three of your short stories? Yeah, it is right, you know what, keep going edit these,

edit these all you're thinking of the other ones? Right? Five? Five would be fine? Yeah. Also think about maybe what what you're saying, Like, what are you saying in this first book because the story because it's it's not people, And then ask yourself if you are actually saying I'm sure the message is supposed to be that, Like, different people have natural talents that make them better than others, and so if you're not as good as someone else, you should just let them run your life and take

care of you and be grateful. Like I think that's the message that he should have just been happy that his brother was better than him and let him run things. Yeah, I didn't have the I didn't have a break Jimmy had. I wasn't born smart like him. I didn't get the education. I didn't get the luck or the girl. He's feeling resentful and he shouldn't. He should be grateful, and yeah, let Jimmy run Tommy's life. Do I get those names right?

Doesn't matter? Um. The closest thing to a message I can determine is like, yeah, don't don't be mad that other people have more than you. Otherwise you'll murder them and you you won't be able to get the tractor working. I guess I don't. There's not a message, is what I'm saying. It's not clear. Whatever is not clear. If you, if you really want to be a writer, maybe think what am I do I have anything that I want

to say? Am I just kind of crudely redoing the Tale of Cain and Enable, but without like any actual message at all. Ask yourself if this is something you even want to do, you know, because it seems like maybe you don't rush through it really fast. You know, you blaze through the parts where you might have fun,

developing some richness and some depth, but you don't. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I think that maybe this just isn't something you enjoy, right, Yeah, Like sit with this, like sit with your characters, like let scenes breathe, like get in depth, like all the all the off the cuff examples and suggestions we've made through these two episodes or other ones that you might

have while reading your story second time. My primary feedback would be, right, a short story, m hmm, yeah, if you if you do think that, like there's a if you want the version of this that's actually a story with characters. Um, I don't know, uh read the Bible. I was gonna say, like it literally is like he's just trying to do that, but really bad job. Also just one big am I the asshole thread? Yeah An killed my brother with a and then responding like didn't

you hear? Like in the comments to people like, sorry, dude, you're the asshole. Like, right, I tell you that she touched me. It's good. Oh yeah, So Tommy, who's listening to this? Um, Tommy, meet a second woman? Yeah, likewhere there are other there's there's a second woman out there that you could meet and maybe she'll like you and you won't necessarily find her like so beautiful because she is crying and needs your comfort. Maybe not, maybe not,

who knows. Um. Also, I can't I can't stop thinking about how the house is on fire. But really it's just a sheet in a room. Yeah, we never got an explanation for that kind of We don't know why that was on she was just playing with matches the mom the mom fire. We don't need no while the let that mother burn. That feels like a good place to wrap up. We gotta record our whole other book. Boys, time quick, a little short story. Ben likes to call from the pit, which I'm just gonna say is where

we've already been. Yeah, this feels this feels like we've been drifting pit word for a while, But we'll be back until then, go with Christ and indeed use his connections to get some real quality blow because he Jesus always knows if anything has been cut with fentel. That's that's in the Bible, that's in the Bible, makes water out of wine, and he knows if somebody's been cutting your blow with fentnel. All right, but still Worst Year

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