Ben Shapiro Book Club Part 5: The Big Finale

alive on planet Earth, and I have never been angrier. Yeah, they just did. They just take um clips from our show over the past few years. It's just our show, is as I understand it. It's it's just our a show, um. But but cutting it and editing it very carefully to have Cody admit to being the UNI bomber. Well, yeah, no, it's not a hard well that sounds like good journalism, capustrated stitch together. That's my assumption. I've said it before and I'll say it again. No, they put periods in

between the words. Oh yeah, yeah, that's just trying to trick the algorithms so they don't get a d m C A motherfucker's I'm going to burn radio Lab to the ground. Yeah, I think it's a real lab, right, It's like, oh yeah, it's it's a laboratory. So there's a lot of flammable things in there. They should not tried us. Yeah, they'll be they'll be too busy being on fire, on fire a d O lab people collab. Welcome back to the worst year we've been reading books.

Good we have been. Has there been news? I don't think so. It doesn't seem likely, does not seem like a thing there's been. The only news I care about is what's going to happen to this tiny little guy inside of another guy. That's what matters to me. The emotion allegory we discovered this was this week. Yeah, you know there's people in the reddit who are frustrated who say that the story What's Fair had a point and we didn't get it. I think we got it. They're like,

you doing an iron rand allegory. We got it, it's just incompetently done. So there's not actually a point because it's not really established whether or not um like, what's his name? The murderer brother is any Like, we just hear from his perspective that his physical labor is what's saving the farm, and we never actually get a reveal to show that his brother was actually doing anything that

kept the farm going or the family going. So again, yeah's that's what Ben is trying to do, but there's no message because he didn't do it competent do it. That's my argument with reddit. Well, also the other brother. Uh, not only did he not demonstrate that he was actually doing uh uh, it did demonstrate that the work he did do was build a tractor that did not work, that did not work, that that was not effective. Didn't it didn't work when you press the button should have

been easy. Uh. Yeah. If the messages that like, there's uberman inventors and laborers and laborers need to know their place. We never established that the Uberman's is in fact good at anything. It's not actually shown by anything that happens in the story. Yeah, one could argue that it demonstrated that he was bad at it. Yeah, that that just that the messages that sometimes two people who are bad

at things have a murder. Yeah, sometimes, and sometimes a murder happens between two people with very fewer teeming qualities or qualities at all, oh qualities whatsoever, because they're not really characters in any meaningful way. Yeah, well, important thing, are we? Where did we leave off on this other this other book, I think the one that we haven't gotten wrong yet. The pictures of the mechanical might have

been breaking through tearing the halo apart. I think we created a cliffhanger um and two listeners to eagle eared listeners. We may be repeating ourselves, and that's okay, because it was so good that we had to read it twice. The story is so nice we read it twice because we forgot exactly where the story so forgettable that we're gonna read. We may repeat ourselves. So I think the mites are coming, dozens of them, hundreds of them. I pull, I tug, I yank. Finally, I pry the damn thing open.

I think he's talking about the halo here halo. I I skipped. I skipped some important bit. Okay, So first of yeah, so he's climbing, all right, A climb through the hole in the halo, grab the stomach, lining and climb toward what looks like a closed ring above me. I have to get out. I have to get the hell out now. It takes me a second to realize that the stomach acid is burning away layers of skin.

I'd scream, but I need the air instead. I grit my teeth, breaking a moler as my shoulder muscle is exposed. I do remember this. The mites are gaining. The liquid is gluing me to the walls too, like a fly stuck in a web. Yes, this is where. It's just above me is the ring of the esophagus. Hand over hand, I grab my legs, hang free. Wait, how did you I thought you were stuck. I thought he was climbing hand over hand. He was climbing hand over hand on

the walls. But he was stuck because of the liquid that they said. It doesn't matter. My legs hang free though. As I am hand over hand grabbing, I'm upside down. A drop of stomach gas bathes my face, a drop burning off the skin. I don't think almost fast. Okay, all right, too late? Yeah, sure, sandwich goes in, Robert, that's fine, that's fine. This is what might do. And this is also the esophagus works. You PLoP it down and it just Stomach acid is basically the acid from

alien exactly excellent. Yeah, yeah, we all know this. We all learned this, we're all learning it now maybe, But the important thing is learning is important. I'm upside down now. A drop of stomach acid baits my face, burning off the skin. But I'm almost there. I feel the jerk before I see it. A mechanical might has my leg claws at it frantically. Not a good sentence. Ken might has my leg and claws at it frantically. But who has the time to write the word? And I kick again,

But my leg feels slow, unresponsive. Then I feel warm. When I look down. The mechanical might is gone, so is my right leg. Below the knee. The bone hangs out in shards. I bite right through my bottom lip. Bone hangs out in shards. It would fall away in shards. If it's in shards, it's not, it's others right, Yeah, he doesn't hang out in shards. It hangs out right like splintered. Maybe you know Ben's wife is a doctor.

Oh you're right, I'm sorry, Yeah, sure, she's the one who said that if you if you wind up vomiting, you have to get clear immediately because the stomach acid will eat a hole in your floor. Oh yeah, whenever you know, whenever you like throw up. Yeah, it goes right through the toilet, is coated with stomach acid, and you never speak again. Yeah. That's why everyone dies when they throw up a single time. It's the leading cause

of death. Throwing up once. It's a real problem. Yeah yeah, Well, you know we'll get through it h with collective action together and not a rugged individualism. That will Oh god, it's trying to get away from the news. When I look down, the mechanical might is gone. So is my right leg below the knee. The bone hangs out in shards. I bite right through my bottom lip and the acid

gets in. I don't know. The adrenaline is coming. I know to fight the pain, but I use it instead to pull myself up, push myself through the ring, do both. It won't give way. The mites are coming, dozens of them, hundreds of them, So many fucking commas in this Uh, it won't give It won't give way. Semi cool, and the mites are coming. Comma, dozens of them, Comma, hundreds of them. Period. I pull tug yank. Finally I pry the damn thing open, pull myself halfway through formatting her

and it closes around my waist. I'm trapped. The clicking sounds of the mites closer and closer. I'm dead and I know it. I'm going to die down here in the gut of the whale. Amy will never know what happened to me. She might she knew you were, she knew what you signed up for. You didn't tell her that you were going to do this for three years. Yeah, that does seem like something you would chat about, because, like mentioned, I don't know what the risks are. Love.

Love is a powerful force. But also most people whose partners abandoned them without explanation for three years will return to find that person has moved on. Yeah, maybe don't expect her to care happened to you if you just sort of disappeared, So maybe expect her to be like livid, because that's incredibly not okay. You should have told me you were going to shrink down to a tiny guy and go go help kill dust mites that are apparently bloodthirsty.

And I have been with some very forgiving people, um but but I don't think anybody would forgive that really really unacceptable. Love you, babe, but I just gotta do it for me, you know, but even sign there, you just like left right, just left, just out God, assuming she's waiting, sitting at the door every day like a that dog in the Futurama episode the Sad One, but less sad because but less sad because no one competent

wrote this. Take a stomach acid for you, babe, drop h Amy will never know what happened to me because I didn't tell her. They'll they'll tell her some fiction about dying, a huge plot hole, Like you're just assuming she's going to be around and fine, yeah, waiting to hear the news about the secret this is a secret company. Oh yeah, again, we know nothing about this world about because Ben is terrified of actually telling the story. We know basically nothing about. Like is this a normal thing?

Do like all crazy rich people now do versions of this? Is this guy famous for shrinking people down then to shrinking technology, so you would think he'd be famous for that. Like what is the extent to which any of this is commonly known? Or like what is the actual cultural relevance of all of this? How has it changed life? These? These are the questions that a science fiction writer would Yeah, I heard a great quote the other day, Cody Katie. Um. I didn't come up with it. I don't know who

came up with it, but it's. Um, science fiction is not anticipating the internal combustion engine. It's anticipating traffic, right, Like that's like, what's actually interesting science fiction? And look at this cool thing? It's how does this How how would this cool thing impact people? Um, generally in ways that are not obvious or would not be based on the intent. Um. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it says it's

it's it says everything. UM. And I guess Ben is telling us that the unintended consequence of shrinking technology would be that tiny people fight dust mites on cigarettes. Yeah, he really thought it through. I think that the primary problem with Ben in general is that I think that he can't be bothered. You know, we've danced around this, but not just with you know, his works of fiction, but with his tweets, with his articles, with just anything.

He can't be bothered to do the work of sitting and thinking through and answering some of the questions he poses. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense and he wouldn't have an answer. But that's like across the board. So I guess it's not surprising that that's how he shows up. Oh yeah, but it is just, of course a fucking course. Yeah. If this, then what is not a sentence or question here? No? No,

If this, then that's the fact. No. Bill has never asked a question, like a real question where you actually are hoping to learn something that might inform or alter the way that you see the world, because that would that would imply that his view of the world could possibly change. Yeah. No, he asks uh quote like rhetorical questions that like he has his prepared answer for. But he was never He's not a curious mind at all. Yeah, absolutely,

he can't be. It's immortal to be a curious A movie about Ben, A movie about Ben would be an incurious mind. I'm curious mind. Curious someone write it, Yeah, it would. I'm imagining it it being like, um, what's that Ben Affle? Like Matt Damon movie where there's like there's like a math problem on a chalkboard and he just erases it in writes in sex is I don't know penises or shouldn't do anything. That's something something terrible. I didn't have together, don't have sex, don't be married yeah,

or like and like, don't be married unless you're straight. Yeah, my wife is a doctor. Normalized straight marriage, normally straight marriage and swallowing stuff and having whatever you eat go plink plink plink against the walls of your esophagus machine like a fuck it, it's amazing. Okay, please continue, all right. So he's dead and he knows it, and he's gonna die down there in the gut of the whale capitalized T capitalized w Amy will never know what happened to me.

This is where this is where we keep getting stopped up right, a tiny note, right, a tiny note, and then then grow it. That's a perfect plan. Uh, They'll they'll tell her some fiction about dying hero against the mites, doing my job, the whole routine. My skeleton will be digested by the whale. He'll outlive me. You can put like a butt my skeleton with whatever is in sheer despair. I slam my fist against the ring and miraculously it loosens for an instant. I pull myself up and it

snaps closed, locking out the mites. This is like, like, I know what he's going for here. It's just like happens. So like quickly amidst like all this other bullshit that like, like what he's doing is like the like the Sienna Jones hat grabbing a hat right when the door closes, Like he wants a suspensiful moment where's like getting through a doorway and it snaps shut and the horde of mites get like slams into it and he's safe. But

it's just like too much work to describe that. Nope, yea, all of a sudden works and the mites are trapped up way Okay, it's like incredibly boring, like and she's yeah, just gets a ring miraculusly it loosens for an instant and put myself up and it snaps close, locking at the mites. Okay that and I know, I'm sure Again Ben's intention is that the actual bad guy here is

the whale um. But he's also not a character um not not really and uh there's no all of the actual like action tension is between him and these very boring enemies that that aren't exciting or cool, And that would be fine if the focus of the story was anything other than him fighting them, but that's all Ben seems to want to right, Is this guy struggling against mites, which is again the least interesting part of the story. Yeah, it's the facials, horde of mechanical mtes that couldn't do

the job that he's hiring. He's tiny people to do. Yeah, program to kill the other mites. It's like in an alien the the alien is not the thing that is like the most interesting. Like, that's not the bulk of of the movie. The bulk of the movie is how like these individual human beings react in the choices that they make, and like the alien is important as to how it pushes them to make choices and reveals things

about the characters and causes conflicts for them. But like, the movie is always centered on the people and the things that they are doing and what it reveals about like them and and the world that they're in. There's a lot of like commentary and one not in that movie, and a number of things. Um then appears to think that the thing people actually want is just a I for no real reason, fighting weird hero. Yeah, it's like, um another example, you kept saying the thing that people

want or whatever, like the thing. If Ben made the thing, it would be like a bunch of battles with the monster instead of a movie about like the isolation and mistrust and all these characters and how they deal with that. Um yeah, I was gonna say, to be fair, we are referencing a lot of like much longer works than a short story. But to be even more fair, doesn't matter the principles of storytelling pertain to a short story.

I just felt like it's good to acknowledge, like, yeah, we're talking about larger pieces of writing, but there's lots of people that have written brilliant, beautiful, concise short stories while also following these same kind of Right, you could write a short story version of Alien and still get all of that across us. A good writer would be able to do that. A competent right, I'll go step

for further forward farther. Just a writer, a writer Philip K. Dick could have taken this story and and thrown in a giant head screaming at him from the sky. And you know, with with just a couple of pounds of amphetamines, we would we we might have something you could make

and do a Paul Verhoeven movie. Oh, this would be a This would not be a good movie, no matter who makes it sorry now, Like, wait, maybe no, you would need that extra bit of Philip K. Dick being on amphetamines listening to a giant head screaming at him from the sky. Maybe it's like a sequel to the

Honey I Shrunk the Kids franchise. You can take a nugget of it somehow, But yeah, honey, we gave we resurrected Philip K. Dick, gave him or meth amphetamine and handed him a bit Shapiro short story and he made it like, Okay, it's family friendly, you give it back. It's very erotic and erotic, family friendly foot a lot of extra scenes with the mites, if you know what, Philip K. Dick really focused in on the mites, really

focused on the mites. Yeah wait, wait, wait before we continue, I think he's starting to take a quick ad break. Oh but before we do a quick ad break, I have one more paragraph to get through before they break that pen makes So we got a cliffhanger coming up, surely, and it's gonna be exciting because in Sheer Despair, I slam my fist against the ring and miracuously it loosens for an instant I pull myself up and it snaps close, locking out the mites. The adrenaline is wearing off now

and I can feel myself losing consciousness. I shoved the stump of my lower leg onto the ring. Let the remnants of stomach acid on the ring caught aize the wound. The blood turns, the flesh burns into darkness, just like sign ends we'll be back. That's how it works. That's how stomach acid works. That's why if you both puke and cut open an artery at the same time, you just jam some of that puke in the wound and you're good to go. Baby. If you ever, if you

ever get cut, puke on yourself. Yeah, if somebody ever gets an arterial injury where and you're around, just stick your fingers down your throat and vomit on their open wound, and you will save their life. That's actually what military medics are trained to do in combat. They just puke right on the gunshot wound. Star Wars was accurate, just to be like a bunch of people puking on each other's vomiting on each other's laser birds. And on that note,

here's a word from together everything. Don't don't and we're back from Yeah, I care what happens. What happens? What where did we leave? Where did we leave off our hero anyone? Where do we leave off our heroes? I already can't remember conscience. He slipped into darkness after losing like a couple of his limbs. Yeah, he lost his leg and he caught herrized it with stomach acid. So we're good. He's fine. Yah. Yeah, thank god for stomach acid.

Mm hmm. Nature's turniquet. At least utilize natural remedy for wounds. Get on a healthcare system. Okay, September. I've lost all sense of time, But you just said what day it was. He's done this a couple of times where he said the date and he's like, I don't know how long it's been, nonsense. I can tell by my size. I'm now about three inches tall. That has been another thirty six hours. So you haven't lost all sense of time.

You have a sense of time. I love saying something and then immediately contradicting myself, like even the thing that I've written and have the ability to edit, like if I'm if you're in the woods and you don't have a watch and you don't know how long it's been, and you look at the sun and you can determine how long it's been. That is a sense of time. It's a it's an external you have, like you're like

using your environment. But like, Cody, do you remember we just opened a part of this with him listing the date and then saying, I don't know what day it is, like I've lost all sense of time. So actually you haven't. And I can tell by my size how how much time there's gone by. It's very funny in the same sentence. It's the sandwich of like contradictory, like it's so been Try it a little harder, just like read read what

you wrote once. No, Cody, No, okay, anyway, it's been another thirty six hours despite me having no sense of time. The acceleration will be fast now, all acceleration is. It's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine, doesn't it doesn't matter, it's fine. There's no room to expand. I'm standing in the whales esophagus. Actually there would be a little room to expand. It's fine, discussed the esophagus. Okay, it's fine. Sign sign I'm standing in the whales esophagus

on my one good leg. How are you wait, it's fine standing, I know I'm curious about that too. What are you standing on? How are you standing? I don't want him to explain, because then that would be more words. But also, yeah, you need to explain, like even just like if you're in like as he's imagining a pipe, then you're like your leg is against one side and your hands are like pushing against this, either to hold yourself up or something. It doesn't matter anyway, it doesn't matter.

I'm standing the whales's esophagus. Wait you have I mean, what was the thing that snap clothes beneath him or whatever? The halo the halo so theoretically, but like the edge of the esophagus or something. Yeah, just say that. Actually, you're right, that's where he's standing. He's standing at the bottom where the little hole is closed. All right, there's barely any air, Okay. I breathed slowly, laboriously, trying not to use up all the oxygen the whale has swallowed.

The whale will realize I'm alive soon. I'm large enough that he should be able to feel me. It's only a matter of time before they try something else, right, Like, isn't he like isn't the whale? Like wouldn't he be choking? Right now? You're standing in his esophagus. There's a three man's that's a really big thing to have on your vomiting. I would think there's like that's huge. Yeah, that's like that's like the size of an iPod or at least an iPod nano stuck in your esophagus. This is nonsense.

Now now I'm upset because I'm sorry. It's only a matter of time before they try something else, like I don't know, the himlick or something, because sucking iPod nanos in your throat, which gives me just a little while to climb my way out. Uh huh, I've made up my mind. I'm going to go out the way I came in. Yeah, you have to. You didn't go the other The esophagus will lead up into the throat and then I'll force my way out. But before I can try it, the water comes pouring down. It comes down

in great gushes. Bad, it comes down own like the water comes pouring down period new paragraph formatting air. It comes down in great gushes, washing over me, refreshing me. But then the stream becomes too strong. The ring opens again, sucking the water into the stomach. I grabbed the wall of the esophagus and hold on for dear life. I'm not going back in there with those metal mites, says the iPod nano in the throat. The water stops, and the whale takes a deep breath, swelling his belly out,

swelling out his belly. Now that I'm in the esophagus, I can hear everything better. And now that I'm bigger, the voices don't seem quite so distorted, which means I can hear that the doctor is back. Too many new paragraphs for so little to say. Sir, he's saying, I cannot imagine how we survived. But oh I can't demadge, and how you botched it, says the whale. But you'd better fix it. I feel the pressure in my chist. I know it is, and it's growing worse all the time.

How are you talking so well with an iPod nano throat? Yeah, not quite throat, not quite throat yet, and the esophagus, but like what it seems like it would make it difficult to talk, difficult I've never shoved an iPod nano into my esophagus, but I don't think I would be able to speak the way I normally speak, especially if it's like got little hands and it's grabbing. It seems like it would be a problem, be a problem. I

don't know. We can ask Ben Shapiro's doctor wife. Perhaps she will say, no, the esophagus actually does fine with an iPod nano in it. We do it all the time in our family. We eat I pod nanos, but not all the way. We keep them in our throats, keep them stuck. That's called medicine. Esopha. Guys that he should started. Esophagus is a good band. It's okay band. I've listened to them. Yeah, Esophagus rock rock joke on hip hop fans out there radio in radio land. I smile.

At least I'm giving the bastard a little pain. But you're clearly all right. He seems very actually notice at all. Then I punch his esophagus from the Yeah, he flinches. I feel it now, he says, I feel it now, he says, kind of, because he's got the thing in his throat. We tried the mice, says the doctor, how about a metic smart, very smart. They know I must

be out of the halo one way or another. Yeah, you punched his esophagus and then and they know that I haven't been killed by the stomach acid because you punched the esophagus. Wounds. It helps you. So if they can't bring me to the acid, they'll have to bring the acid to me. If he vomits, he'll bring up everything,

including the acid. I'll be burned beyond recognition. Or he'll throw you up, and then you'll be outside of his body in a very shallow pool of puke that you'll get out of quickly, because puke doesn't dissolve, doesn't dissolve skin particularly quickly. Guys his world, his rules, his world, his rules, his dream. These facts don't care about your feelings of how the world, But my facts do care. Ah, I can't, says the whale. My ulcer. It'll start beating again.

Good point. So that's what that red spot was in the stomach. He already knew this. Hold on, yes, hold on, I gotta word. Just banged my head on the table. What do you I feel like He's already noticed this and guessed it was an ulcer but whatever. Uh, maybe I'm just making it up because he should have. So that's what that red spot was in the stomach. Well, bless God for the whale's coffee and stress addiction. Okay, no, it won't, she said. No, he's the doctor speaking. No

one won't, says the doctor. That medicine you talk earlier. Here we go. No one won't, says the doctor. That medicine you took earlier. Couded your stomach lining the acer should be closed temporarily. The whale leans forward. I can feel him do it, Yes, he says, I see your point like it's like c W dialogue. No, the ced the c W dialogue is always better written than this. Yes, I see your point like it talks like that. All right, I prepare myself to die, amy, if only I could

say goodbye. Also formatting error on that paragraph, of course, it doesn't doesn't matter. The doctor pads out of the room. The doctor pads out of the room. That is the ridiculous pads out of the room. Is um a phrase that you see when you're describing sleepy little children up going back. Maybe he's like, he's just like being careful not to upset the whale. You know. Ah, the doctor pads out of the room, or at least it sounds

like it. A few minutes later he's back. See this is where we get like earlier, when he's literally in the person's stomach and he's describing like what the people are doing with utter like complete, like omnipresent confidence, and here he is, the doctor pads out of him, or at least it sounds like it. Yeah, so just from the beginning, describe what things sound like, not what is literally happening. And then five pages later be like, well,

I mean it sounds like that's going on. It's like it sounds like the doctor leaves and comes back five minutes later. Yeah, Like it's like I hear I hear footsteps. It sounds like having a thing the size of a smartphone jammed in your esophagus is not a problem enough that they need to like rush a ton. Also, the doctor pads out of the room, or at least it sounds like it, and a few months later he's back. So here's the thing, Ben, Your character has resigned himself

to die. He's gonna die, and he wants to say goodbye to Amy, whoever that fucking is but you've already established it. Like he can grab onto the esophagus from the inside, and like you're like standing in there and you just like hanging out for a few minutes knowing that he's gonna puke you up. So just like climb use those few minutes to climb the esophagus. Right, he's just like chilling down there. It's just like a wasted seems like wasted time. Anyway. A few minutes later, nothing happens,

and now he's back. Follow he orders, and here comes the shower again. Not water in a pill. No, they're too smart for that. They know I'd grabbed the pill prevented from hitting the stomach. Now you wouldn't it were like knock. It's like it'd be like half your son. Whatever. No, this shower is of epicac slime all over me. Too many commas. You need to right, sens is better, very apparent right now, No comma. This showers of epicac comma

slime all over me. The ring opens, sucking it in just a few seconds now before the guys are of acidic vomit comes up, finishing me. I rubbed my right leg what's left of it, and looked down through the ring. The epicac is washing through the stomach. The mechanical mites are swimming around in it. Soon they'll be joining me along with the acid. Okay, so the acid doesn't affect the mechanical mines. Oh yeah, no, they're fine. It burns

through than very quickly. Yeah. The mites, well, obviously, that's why there are so many mites in our stomachs. That's why we got the mites. Soon they'll be joining me along with the acid. New paragraph, unless I joined them first, the script, the ulcer. New paragraph. It's the only chance. New paragraph. All of these new paragraphs are designed to be like dramatic and it's just dumb. Well, it's because each of them is expressing a completely distinct thought. M

So you gotta switch, you gotta switch. Well, yeah, because like it's like he wants the suspense of like timing and space, um and like drawing it out, but he can't write enough words, so he's got to make two word paragraphs and like it's the illusion of suspense, right, Um, but I'm full of suspense, so let's find out what happens. I can't make it up the esophagus in time. You had a few minutes while the doctor was gone. Buddy, this is like, yeah, you could have been climbing up

by that. I can't make it up the esophagus in time. You could have when the doctor was gone. I did, all right, Not with this time bomb below me. Well you had time. It wasn't a time bomb when the doctor was gone. But I can make it down. I hold my breath and dive down through the ring. The fall seems endless. I feel like I'm skydiving through noxious air. I briefly wonder if I'll survive the fall at all,

but then I'm on the side of the stomach. I claw at the wall, grabbing a handhold, plastering myself as the acid swirls below me. The mites haven't noticed me yet, covered as I am, and the sticky gou that coated the stomach just a few body lengths away. As the ulcer. It's covered in that same coup, but not for long. If I can keep holding my breath, I edged my way down toward it. It's raised and throbbing, but yes, right,

but not obvious to the mites. I fall to my knees and begin scraping away the now hardened black coating, chunk by chunk, I rip it away. The mites turn and see me, but they see something else, the red, ugly flesh of the ulcer, bleeding, inviting them because they love blood, love to as much as they love tobacco. Mechanical mites. Um, yeah right, these are the mechanical mites too, So they don't they eat, No, they're they've been programmed to chase attack ulcers, to crave blood like normal mtes

also crave, apparently because the normal whites were also bloodthirsty. Correct. That's fucking great, Ben, very good, and it's so good, in fact, that I think this is a wonderful time first suspense cliffhanger time. We'll be back. I promised that this story is over in a couple of pages. I don't promise ship because it's been Shapiro. There could be a whole another version of this story that he's producing with his new film team. Oh god, yeah, I hope

he is. I was gonna say that he is. I bet he's not, because and hear what's some what's a failed actor who turned into a right? I mean Kevin Sorbos as guy fighting mites, Kevin Sorbo Dean Kane is probably the whale or the doctor. Yeah, Dean Cane will be the whale. Get like kid Rock in there or something. Yeah, Kid Rock could be his friend who dies tragically to the mites. Man, I'm already wow, perfect casting. Maybe could be a throw Kirsty Alley in there. I know we

have a winner. M I'd watch it. I would too, I absolutely would. Of course, will be right back together. Oh we're back. I'm thinking of Kirstie Ali waiting at home for Kevin Sorbo to finish his three years fighting, having no idea where he went, having no idea where he went, but waiting faithfully reading all these news stories about the one guy who invented shrinking technology and exclusively uses it to shrink down people to kill the mites that he fears are drinking his blood. Yes, that's why

he made mechanical mites to drink his one. Exactly. You gotta get those. It's more sterile, right because they're mechanical. Oh absolutely, yeah, that makes sense to me. M M, all right, what happens he's been Oh we're gonna get you, We're gonna get you up from that cliff. The ulcers bleeding and inviting the mites. They rush at it, pincers, scraping together with twisted glee. The first mite virtually leaps over me, and it's eagerness to be flesh. Oh yeah, firstually,

I didn't read it fairly. The first mite virtue. Man, No, that's bad. That's not that's not that's not my fault. Correct that the first mite virtually leaps over me, is eager. It leaps over you. It leapt. It either leapt over you or it did not. Yah, did it? Like? What are you saying? Are you saying it like leapt and then hit you in the head because it didn't get above you? Are you saying that it it jumped up and then like walked around you? Or yeah? At this bad?

At this? It plunges deep into the ulcer, dig blood oozing from the interesting that the stomach acid is not caught aizing the ulcer wound that he's describing. I thought that that's what the stomach acid did to all wounds. Maybe it's just if you're tiny. The whale screams convulsive. Sorry, Katie, I cut you off with no, I did. I had nothing to say. Really, screams gonna keep coming. I grab another chunk, pull it off the ulcer, throw it away.

How big is this ulcer? Now the blood of the whale is around my knees, and the mites are coming. Oh they're coming. Yeah, sorry, and we're sure these are still the robot mites which which he has programmed to be insatiably attracted to his blood. To blood apparently, and not just mites or one guy, but the blood of the man who invent to them and is deploying them. Yeah, it's a classic story of hubrists, the hubris of a man who made mites that don't need to eat, but

somehow are again insatiably attracted to his blood. A little to the sun, um a great, what happens? A little too close to the halo? Mistic All right, oh what happens? They're coming by the tens, the dozens, the hundreds, drawn by the blood, and they follow the first much Where are they coming from? All over? He is now the size of like an iPod. Those mites will be almost microscopically small. Tom shouldn't he be able to stomp on him or something? Anyway? Also than this ulcer by now?

Yeah he's yeah, I was just thinking that too, But they're coming by the ends. The dozens the drawn by the blood, and they follow the first mite, tearing into the open flesh, the first mite, which virtually leapt over me. That's not included in this. It's fine. The whale screams again. Then I'm horizontal, Comma flat. The whale has been pushed to the ground. The acid drips towards me slowly. I climb for higher ground. But something is going on above me.

A scraping, a cutting, too many commas. They're cutting open the whale. They're gutting him. My breath is running out, but the sawing is growing nearer. Then I see it, a sliver of light. They're almost at the stomach. Then they're through. I see the point of the scalpel sliced through the tissue. An enormous hand reaches down towards the ulcer, airrying an enormous piece of gauze. Is he gauzing the ulcer? That that is what he's doing? Wait, I'm sorry? Is

that is that a treatment for ulcers? I don't think cutting someone open is? I mean, I guess there's sometimes you do. Sometimes there are surgeries for ulcers, And I don't think you just like cut them open and shove gauze on it. Not a doctor pretty sure that's not the treatment. Is also pretty sure, like we have their right and if he's like, if it was a bleeding situation bad enough that they needed to do an immediate intervention.

We have stuff like cellocks today that like stops bleeding extremely quickly, and I imagine in this future where they can shrink things, maybe they have other options, but no, they're just jamming gauze onto an ulcers. Just wanted to make sure. Um, yeah, science has progressed to the point of shrinking technology, but literally nothing else. So this is my chance, and I take it. I leap as far as I can grasp the hand so like quite a bit.

I hear a gasp. Remarkable for only having one leg, truly, yeah, really pretty good jump for a one legged man. This is where we find he's got some like moon boots onto that. Yeah, like grappling sort of gutten type of thing, or much like the actual left over him. He leaps as far as he can, but literally I hear a gasp from above, and suddenly I'm flying through the air clear of the whale in the bright artificial light of

the office. I'm on the carpet, screaming, laughing, all at once, covered in the whale's blood, covered in his filth, crying for air and crying for joy. I'm alive. I got to read the sentence again. I'm on the carpet. Comma screaming, Comma laughing all at once, Comma covered in the whale blood, Comma covered in his filth, Comma crying for air and crying for joy. What a bad sentence. I'm alive. Period, That's a complete sentence. No, Katie, you are right, and

I did it again. That's what this is for. We can't just read all the way through. How is that a way to enjoy this piece of art? Uh? Then I look up into the eyes of the whale. He sees me, his eyes widened. Kill him. Sherihspers and the doctor turns, but he falls to his knees. Job second, kill him, Step on him, whale, step will kill him. He whispers, and the doctor turns. Period new paragraph. But

he falls to his knees, bleeding. I look up and there's Jensen Giant in the light, sweating, holding a scissors. My name is that the guy that was supposed to die? Uh is the guy who's like on the calm, right, Okay, I do my casting. This guy's kid Rock. Absolutely, this is kid Rock. Uh yeah, with the my name. Okay, to explained the thing I just did. I look up and there's Jensen Giant in the light, sweating holding a scissors.

They're dripping blood to the blood of the doctor. Oh my god, then we know it's the blood of the doctor. But wait, just a point of clarification. Did he say holding us scissors? He did, thank you. I kind of glossed over that holding scissors, holding scissors, scissors, holding a pair of scissors. Tiny, But that's important, nobody. Yeah, I think in general, writing is important in a story. Yes, I entirely agree. It's just like, it's just how like a six year old would say it scissors. He pads

to his bedroom. His pads to his bedroom holding a scissors. A thank you for because I thought I was putting enough sauce on that that part to really to really highlight I feel like, but I feel like it sort of passed us by. Um, this is a team effort, you know, what are the things passed us by? So the doctor turns, he falls to his knees bleeding. I look up and there's Jensen, giant in the light, sweating, holding a scissors. They're dripping blood to the blood of

the doctor. Again, they're dripping bloods too. He did say the words correctly or write them down correctly, but like it's just it's bad. It's bad. This is this is the this is the c W stuff where it's like, oh, oh, oh, okay, now I get it. Now I've been explained enough to understand this like dramatic thing you're trying to create where we really realize Jensen has stabbed the doctor. I know he stabbed the doctor. He doesn't explain the things he

needs to explain, and over explains the things that are obvious. Yes, anyway, she over explained. He's she said, explaining Lee their whole They're dripping blood the scissors or us is or is dripping bloods the bloods of the doctor. He slumps beside me, his dead eyes staring through me. Yeah, you know he's dead, Jensen. I squeak. Oh sorry, I squeak camp, he says. The whale's eyes turned to Jensen. You bastard, you betrayed me. Kemp, whose name is Kemp his name is kemp Ah. You

you bastard. You betrayed me. No, says Jensen, you betrayed yourself. Okay. Jensen sits down next to the whale, and the whale bleeds period. He bleeds period. Yeah. Down by my feet. I can see the dust mites feeding on his blood as they do. Sure, that's what dust mites love. Also, you can still see them, m I can see the dust mites feeding on his blood. Dust mites are visible easily by the naked eye. I laugh. I laughed for myself. I laugh for Phillips, and I laugh for Amy, mostly Amy,

who has no idea where you been for three Oh? No, oh no. I laughed for her. When she's gonna she's gonna laugh at this story when she finds out what I've done and why I didn't explain where I was going and where contact or where my leg went, why my entire body is burned. Sorry. Protagonist Amy is busy fucking a guy who works for being there that invented an enlargening ray, so she always knows where he is because he's so big. He's so big, how can you disappeared?

She wanted a man who was so gigantic, she could never not know where he was. This the sequel to this, as he goes home and Amy hasn't been faithful and he becomes some sort of in cell. Yeah yeah, he like becomes an anti small game. Yeah yeah. He comes home and Amy is living in the shoe with her gigantic boyfriend. The tiny man got cut like but like like if Amy did get together with like an enlarged guy, like that would make this story just good, like I

would like every favorite an amazing Ah. Well, fingers crossed. We still have a couple of sentences left, we do. I laugh. I laughed for myself. I laughed for Phillips, and I laughed for Amy. Mostly I laughed because I'm alive. End of story. That's the conclusion. Um. So like, well, I want to come back to like what the the allegory was supposed to be about abortion, as he made very clear two times within like two paragraphs and then never again. I feel like nothing else in this story

does that. He didn't even like come back to it, Like I guess technically the actions of like, oh, the doctor and then like his friend the abortion doctor, right, like that's what he's advocating for. I guess, unless do you think that he doesn't he has to be conscious that he was doing an abortion allegory. Oh, he definitely was. He like there are so many uh sentences about like choice and like it's my body, my purview. He was very obviously an abortion, but then it wasn't. But then

it wasn't. So maybe he's just saying, um, yeah, you're justified in killing people if they're trying to do abortions. I don't know. I guess, yeah, sure, that's the message. I just I guess we're giving him too much credit. If there is a message, Well, I think the message that people who are fans of him would get from this if you read it was like, oh, I agree,

abortion is bad, Like that's what he like. It's so empty and lazy that like all he needs to do is those two sentences and then and someone like, oh, yeah, I get it, but it's not really what you're doing.

These tech people not trustworthy. Maybe there's something I don't know. Um, and like the idea that the law the law is that like if you have a little guy inside you, like some adult man shrunk down to kill your mites, then you have the right to kill him, which again, I feel like it's not the law unless he's again, unless he signed a contract it said. Even then, I'm not sure you can sign a contract to let somebody

murder you in this way. I don't know. Maybe I'm sure you can sign a contract that like, if I die, it's not his fault, but I don't know that it would apply in this instance. Liability waiver, sure, but not murder, not active murder. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he could hide I accidentally swallowed you and like you're gonna be the benefit of the doubt on that m That was a great short story that changed my feelings about all of society. Also, I have a quick question about society.

Um how is it? No? Um? So the because the Maybe it's just because we've stretched this out over three different episodes. Why did the whale want to kill him once he was inside him? Um? Oh, because he'd seen that the whale had cancer and was going to die and could tell people and that would be bad for that. Wait and why Yeah, that's that's why the way I wanted to get him. You know, part of the reason why you forgot Cody is because it didn't get mentioned

ever again. Ever, again, and you would speak, You would think that that would factor in somehow, in some way, body invented shrinking technology, business will be fine. But he only uses it to have tiny men fight, never monet down. Like it's like it's like sometimes as an artist, you write something, or you you put together a song or whatever, and you you just you don't want to sell it. You just want to put it out there because you didn't make it for the money, and you want just

one thing that's pure and disconnected from capitalism. That's shrinking technology. For this billionaire, we all have our things I'd forgotten that is so fucking stupid. Stop him from ruining his company's stocks or something right, stop him from ruining his company's stocks by like revealing information that like his technology can fix. But also like if you just got him out, he wouldn't like be trying to ruin your life. They saved him and didn't try to kill him. Be like, man,

can we not talk about what you saw? I'm really struggling to deal with my cancer diagnosis. Of course, of course you saved my life. Also as like your employee money suggests using this amazing shrinking technology to shrink the tumor down to nothing. But yeah, maybe we could use this miracle technology you invented to stop this, Like, don't even you have, like, don't even tell anybody that you used it for that if you don't want to use like obviously you should, but like you can keep it

to yourself. Man. Also speaking of keeping things to yourself, So maybe this guy signed a contract that said, if I get stuck in your stomach, you can kill me. But almost definitely if you have tiny humans in your office killing the mites for years, because there's no other way to kill the mites. If you have that, you definitely have them. Like sign an n d A for

this exact reason. Yeah, the first time you overheard a phone call in all your being a tiny guy in this guy's office like this the last minute, I finally heard a phone call, and I'm gonna tell everybody because I didn't sign an n d A, which is utter nonsense. Um. Bad job, Ben, bad job, no benefit of the doubt. Um. So we're at the time. I guess that's that's all

we need. There is one more short story left and before we go for listeners for you all, I think we can play a little game a quick guess of what you think this is called. Keep in mind, this is a Ben Shapiro short story that is a very poorly veiled allegory for something about how like I don't know equality is wrong or fairness is whatever it is. This one was I believe, sorry me, I believe this was called in the in the Depths or something or like in the whole. Yeah, it's from the Jonah and

the Whale. But I was gonna say it's real meaning, like actual message again Jonah and want to read it. Yes, I'm aware he had a message. He just did not succeed in getting it across to absolutely obviously has a message. It's bad, it's just incompetent. Mean when we say that is that there's no actual message because of how badly he wrote the episode. Complete nonsense. Yeah, and fair sex. Oh interesting? Um, I guess I'm excited for Amy to realize where her lover has been for three years. I

don't think she cares. She's got that big guy. She's dating that giant guy. She got the enlargening array inventor who weirdly makes tumors bigger. Yeah, it makes them so big they can't hurt you. Yeah, you just live inside your tumor. You get a free flesh house. That's the trips um an answer to the housing crisis. Really, yeah, Robert, what's your guest for the next chapter. I clearly guessed wrong. That's the title of the story. Yeah, we're guessing um

why liberals um are bad. You're both wrong, but you're both very close. Uh. The next one, and I cannot wait to read this is called utopia. Oh my god. Okay, a little nauseous because it's been I'm gonna guess it's like some sort of leftist utopia that is uh nine four but written by an idiot. I guarantee that that's what it is. Okay, I'm very excited. I'm extremely excited dystopia. In fact, I'm so excited for this I am going to read the first sentence of this story out loud.

Oh Cody, what an embarrassment of riches for our listeners. Oh my gosh, you are so lucky, you greedy listener. Whip your dicks out, listening. Is it's time for happy, It's time for the mites to come all right, in all caps, it's a quotation in all caps, all men are created equal, excellent fantastic. Yeah, yeah, Oh my god, utopia, that's what I likes to hear. Well, we're all gonna wait with bated breath for this next installment. This has been a delight, the most excited I have of course.

All Right, all right, we'll be back next week. Check us out, check in next week, Brohems and other teams. Oh, there's so many words that he's capitalized for no reason. Every Daniel Worst Year Ever is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.