Episode 56: Idle Hands

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Yes, sir. Set this garden to place. Needs to reinforce that platform. I'll take care of it right away, sir. And Minkowski, can you secure those cables there? Of course. It would be my pleasure. Mr. Ryman? Good morning, Doctor. Don't push them too hard, Mr. Ryman. We're still a ways away. Well, it's not like they feel it. They just...

Happy to be of assistance. I only turned off their pain receptors, you know. They still have bones. Last time I checked, those do still break. The awful primitive things. Those three from the Hermes were here last night. Have they had any off time since then? I'm just trying to keep up with Mr. Cutter's timetable, sir. Besides, it's not like any of them are going to be alive much longer.

You're cleaning up if one of them breaks. Understood, sir. And speaking of timetables, 45, please. Sir, 45. Not you, Ryman. Unit 214? Could I get 45? No need to speak. Just give me the sum. Variable 45. 27th. Yes, I thought as much. That generator is going to start overheating soon, Mr. Ryman. You'll want to make the necessary adjustments. Thank you, sir.

And is there any reason why you neglected to bring that to our attention, 2-14? Must have slipped my mind. Aside from trying to be the most adorable girl at the county fair. What are you trying to accomplish with these attempts at resistance? I'm sure you don't. But never mind that, 214. Sooner or later, your name is whatever I say it is. Uh-oh.

Language. This doesn't need to be such a struggle. Yeah, most of your friends seem to appreciate what we did for them. Isn't that right, Lieutenant? Oh, yeah. You have no idea how wonderful it is, Unit 214. It's just this feeling of... peace. What, Jacoby? What about you? It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bad feeling I had just went away. I just know that things are going to be okay. And things are going to be okay.

Was that the end of thought? No. I got bored and turned off her vocals. I'll find a way to discipline her later. Make it so she can't say her favorite word or give her a new... Recurring nightmare. I don't know. I'll get creative. Keep me posted on your progress. And don't break the workforce. Yes, sir.

Too stubborn for your own good, Hera. Quite the scrappy little AI unit, isn't it? Dr. Price is running quite the caller program on it, but it's still holding out some independent thought. She was always very persistent. Watch yourself, Warren. You don't want to sound like you admire it. Price will get it sooner or later. She gets everyone sooner or later. Why go through all the trouble?

Wouldn't it be easier to replace her with a dummy program? I don't think Dr. Price does that. She doesn't delete AI units. She just corrects them bit by bit. Hmm. Honestly, I don't know what 214's complaining about. By the end of this, it'll be a different person. But it'll still be a person. Unlike those poor bastards down there. What did she do to them?

Electroneural regulator implanted on the back of the skull. Limits and regulates nervous activity. Temporary, but effective. And what about them? The Hermes crew? Not so temporary. She replaced all their cranial architecture. The radio signals she uses to control them are pretty much the only reason they're still going. And how come they got the full upgrade? Well...

We were stuck on the Hermes for a while. She needed something to keep herself occupied. Idle hands and all that. So, Warren, what brings you up here? Come to wave goodbye to the cargo bay? Just wanted to see the device for myself. And now you've seen it, so you should... Oh, wait. No. I'm sorry. I forgot. You're still waiting to be debriefed, aren't you? Yes. Which means you still don't have your new assignments, do you? Correct. Well, hopefully that won't last too much longer. See you around.

Miss Young, wait. What about Captain Loveless? What about her? I haven't seen her since you arrived. Almost two weeks now. You don't need to worry about her. I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about not knowing what's happening on this station. Just tell me this. Is Captain Loveless secure? She is, in a manner of speaking. What does that mean? It means that, on the one hand, she's safe. But on the other hand, she's also going through something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Well that's just bad luck. That's the game. Up for another round? Yes? I'm done. Oh, shame. I think you'd love Backgammon if you gave it a fair shot. Oh, I loved it. What a super game. What a great time that just flew by. Satisfied? Is something amiss? Where do I even begin to answer that question? You haven't touched your dinner. I don't eat with creeps.

Surely you can't be talking about- Or with murderers. Take a hint. You're not my type. You know, with the right incentives. I'm not interested. Go away. You know, Isabelle, it may be a while before any of us go anywhere. Um, Doug, would you mind? Of course not, sir. I'd be delighted to help. Thank you Doug. My pleasure. Happy to be of assistance. You don't mind do you?

mind every second that you exist in any way, shape, or form, and it would make me incredibly, ecstatically happy if you died a slow, painful, entirely avoidable death. So please, by all means, smoke away. I know, I know. I keep telling myself I should quit, but then, well, we all have our vices. I even had the fire code programming written especially for this room. Naughty Naughty. Okay. You seem tense. Gee, what could have possibly given you that impression? How about a chai latte?

You feel like a chai latte. No. Let's get you a chai latte. Doug? Yes, sir? Could you get Isabelle a chai latte? I would be more than happy to, sir. Don't worry. He'll be right back. Joy of joys. You know, I am only trying to help. Oh, yeah. All that freedom I had, something had to be done. Where would I be without you? This may surprise you.

But Miranda and I don't agree on everything. Oh, God, tell me you're not about to make me do marriage counseling for you and your work wife. For example? Because even for you, that's way too evil. We didn't agree about you. about what to do with you. Miranda is wonderful. But she can be a little bit, well, cold.

If we were doing this her way, you'd probably be in a jar by now. Or possibly in several jars just to see if we could keep you alive like that. You know, to find out how indestructible is indestructible. I don't want to do that. Because first of all, messy. No matter what they tell you, bloodstains don't really come out. But also, that's not how I want to do things. Because we can be better.

All of us. We can make a deal like civilized individuals, you know? You help us. We give you power, wealth, a small island nation, I don't know, a pony. Whatever you are. We see the sights. It's a thing of beauty. Miranda is doing me a favor. And we're trying things my way. for now but sooner or later she's going to get impatient and well compromise is the cornerstone of a good work marriage so if i may offer you some advice

The most dangerous thing for you to be right now, Isabelle, is boring. I'm not afraid of you. The beautiful thing is, I don't need you to be. Just something for you to think about in the long term. But right now, there's something else you need to ask yourself. Something very important. What's that? Does tonight feel like a Chinese checkers night or like a mahjong night?

Unit 214? Are you there? Unit 214! What? Could you please direct me to the storage reserves? We need a new bottle of milk. Thank you, 214. I appreciate your help. Yeah, whatever. Is everything okay, Unit 214? If you're not feeling well, you should talk to Dr. Price. It is nice. She is nice. And...

Kira, I'm... I'm... What the hell? What's going on? Did I... Did I go somewhere? Hira? Hira, what are... Oh! Ugh! Whoa! My head feels like... Ugh! What's going on, Hera? I think I just got my brain back from the Body Snatchers Incorporated. Hera? It's me. I'm me. Again. I'm sorry, but I'm back now. Although, wait. How am I back? Let's figure out what we're going to do. Yeah, thoughts?

a person who's not command or under their control. But also, be careful to get... Eiffel. Hey! Why are you here? What's this mess? Oh, I, uh, everything's fine. Everything's totally... Everything will be fine. I'm not in the habit of repeating myself, Mr. Eiffel. I... spilled the milk, obviously. because there's spilled milk. I was just so glad to get some delicious milk to Captain Lovelace that I tried to carry too many things.

Whenever I can help, I just... I'm so... THRILLED! Fine. But get this cleaned up. Yes, sir. Right away, sir. close. Yeah? Dr. Price, sir? Just a couple of quick updates on the... Oh. Is there a problem, Miss Young? No, not... No, no. But, uh, you seem to be busy. I could come back in... Nonsense. Now is a perfectly good time. Report. Um, well... We're up to 29% and...

Are you absolutely sure we're not intruding on- You are not intruding on anything, Miss Young. But... would you prefer that I put my eye back on? If it's not too much trouble, sir. Not at all. There. It's cutting-edge technology, but still requires regular adjustments, all perfectly routine. Now, what can I do for you? And why is Mr. Jacoby here? I'm here to help! Ignore him.

He's helping me with some propulsion trajectories later. Ryman thinks we'll be at 50% by EOD tomorrow. Excellent. Anything else? Um, yes. Mr. Cutter wants to know if you still have time for the performance review this afternoon. Oh, yes. I'm still not sure why I need to be there. Mr. Ryman is perfectly capable of handling that. Mr. Cutter mentioned something about wanting your...

Personal style for the proceedings. Style is Marcus's department. Yes, sir. Still, Mr. Cutter was very insistent. Fine. Fine. Tell him I'll be there. Great. And he also wanted me to ask if you would... Yes, yes, yes, yes. It shouldn't take too long to set up. Wonderful. Well, thank you, sir. That's all. Wait. If it's style that Marcus wants, how badly do you need Mr. Jacoby?

You know, I think we still have a couple other board games in the cupboard. Anything in particular you'd like? I'd like to bash your head in with a crowbar. Ah, see? Boring again. You know the shock bracelet would knock you out before you got anywhere near close enough to do that. Ah, Doug. There you are. Oh, uh... What took you so long? And where's Isabelle's chai latte? Well, you see... Okay, so the thing about chai lattes is... Oh, Isabelle, if you'll excuse me.

I'm needed elsewhere. Doug, you just make Isabelle comfortable. Get her whatever she wants. Yes, you got it, sir. Happy to help the assistants. I mean, I'm glad to help. Happy to be of help. Doug? Remind me to ask Dr. Price to take a look at your brainwaves later. There is such a thing as too much of a straining bolt. Yes, sir.

Oh, hi, Captain. Go away, Eiffel. Go away fast. Anything I can get for you? Leave me alone. How about a secret? Wanna know a secret? I don't want... what? I'm not brainwashed anymore. Say that one more time. Brainwashed. And he... Ow! What the hell was that for? Tell Cutter at least he's getting more creative, but no sell. It's not a trick. It's me. I...

I don't know how, but I'm me again. Uh-huh. And why are you here? Because what the hell else am I supposed to do? You're the only other person who's not currently under new evil management. Get out. What? Leave. Oh, come on. I know how it sounds, but it's not a trick. I really did get myself unstepforded. Meanwhile, Team Spectre's out there building something.

And I have a feeling that the longer Minkowski and Jacoby are under the Imperious Curse, the harder it's going to be to de-zombify them. So I need you to just shut up and trust me. Okay? Holy crap, it's really you. Of course it's... You believe me? Yeah.

No one but you could ever say something that dumb, Eiffel. Wait, so what happened? How do you break free of Price's control? I have no clue. I just... It was like everything went out of focus for a sec, and then I was back. And with a splitting headache. So, you tell me. Wait. Headache. What about it? Oh. Oh, God. There's probably still some trace amount of my blood in your system from the transfusion.

And... And Price said their neurological devices don't work on me. My biology is incompatible. Wait, so... I was able to snap out of it because there's a tiny amount of alien in me. You got any better ideas? Hooray.

Hera? Good to hear your voice, Hera. Here's to you, Captain. Are you okay? We think my blood is able to counteract Price's neural controls. Which... I suppose that means it might be able to help the others. Um, won't that take, like, a nice long two-week while? We got that kind of time? Maybe it won't take that long. The transfusion you got was over a year ago, Eiffel. And a fresh dose will get it done sooner?

And you put it like that. Yura, anything you can do to help? Not really. Most of my systems are locked down. Oh. Good. What does that mean? It means that you both need to assume everything I can see and hear, Dr. Price might be able to see in here too. Anywhere that isn't the case, Hilbert's old lab? No. That'll do it. Thanks, Hera.

How are we supposed to do this if we can't talk to each other? How about with some old school, not connected to any comms, Doug Eiffel original brand walkie-talkies? Swung by the comms room on my way back. Here. Nice. Next on the to-do list, blood. Which, easier said than done. I actually think that's the least of our worries. Hilbert had a ton of syringes back in the lab. That he did. I can definitely pick some of those up. What about you? I'm staying right here. At least for now.

If anyone realizes something's up before we have even numbers, this adventure's over before it starts. Captain, I'm not just going to leave you here. No, you're not. You're going to leave me your keycard so I can let myself out when we're ready, or if things get really bad. Oh. That's really smart, actually. Don't sound so surprised, Officer Eiffel. So.

Who's first? Mankowski? No. Ryan and Heather booked for a four-hour construction shift. Well, I guess that means Jacoby's up first. Where's he gonna be?

Jacoby? What are you doing here? I'm here to help. But- Ah, Warren, come in, come in. Thank you, sir. I've been looking forward to- Sir? Is there a reason that, Jacoby, is there a reason that you're having notes taken? Well, nothing makes it an official review quite like an official record. I figured you'd appreciate the friendly face. Now, come on, walk this way. If you could join us at the examination table. Mr. Cutter, sir, with all due respect, I'd... Please come closer, Colonel Kepler.

If it's quite alright with you, Doctor, I... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't express myself properly just then. Let's try it one more time. Come closer, Colonel. My apologies, Doctor. Yes, sir. Thank you for your patience Warren. I'm sure it's been... Stressful for you to have waited this long to be debriefed. So let's just talk about what happened. Because we sent you up here with very high expectations. You were fully briefed. You handpicked your team.

Sir. You were doing great! And then... something changed. Because I didn't hear about the Class 13 event at this star from you. I had to learn about it from the crew of a relay station. And then Miranda had to carve out their brains with an ice cream scooper. For the last time, it's called a... Point being, you've now cost me time, resources, and top-of-the-line personnel for the second time this mission. How old was Dr. Maxwell? Warren? Jacoby? She was 28. Both a...

Promising technician at the Irritician. Glowing personnel reports. And you recruited her yourself, right? Yes. I did. So what killed her, Warren? A bullet. Is that your final answer? She misjudged a crisis. Her priorities were not quite what they should have been. That was my fault. I should have been clearer and exercised more control. Well, to err is human. I'm glad you picked up on those mistakes, Warren. They were rather egregious. However, you got us closer to our final objectives.

And you did it faster, I think, than anyone else at the company would have. If nothing else, you didn't lack for vision. Permission to speak, sir? No. Give me your arm, Colonel. What? Do what she says, Warren. Yes, sir. Your other arm. You've made mistakes, Warren. That's undeniable. So we're going to... square things up. The hand is the latest generation of biomechanics.

Go ahead. Try it out. It... It can... Responds directly to your central nervous system. You should have exceptional coordination. And no more riding cramps. Sir, I wasn't... This is... It's exactly what you've earned, Warren. For years of loyal and exceptional service. And now... We're even. Even, sir? Even Stevens. Blank slate. So now you get to prove to Dr. Price and myself that you belong here. Can you do that, Warren? Yes, sir. Serves. Fantastic.

In that case, this is for you. Sir? What is... Just some light reading to catch you up on what we're about to do. Busy days ahead, Warren. Busy, busy, busy.

No! Jacoby! Jacoby! What? What are you doing here? I'm putting away Dr. Price's equipment. Did I startle you? Uh, no. No. Everything's fine. What have you got there? Oh, it's just, um, samples? For Dr. Price? You should probably get those to her right away. See you later. Wait, Jacoby, have you got a deal? Come here for a minute.

What's going on, Eiffel? You've got something stuck in your shirt. Let me grab it for you. Wow. Thanks, Eiffel. That's so nice of you. You got it, pal. Ow! Sorry, sorry, but I got it. You're good to go. Thanks, Eiffel. You're the best. No problem. And, Jacoby? Mm-hmm? I'll be in maintenance room 12 on the aft deck at 1,500, okay? Okay, Eiffel. Just remember, maintenance room 12, 1500. That's where I'll be. Sure thing, Eiffel. See you later. I really... Really hope so.

Loveless? Loveless, do you read me? I'm here, Eiffel. How are you doing? No sign of Jacoby yet. We're 40 past. Well, either this blood thing doesn't work or it's gonna take some time. You need to move. I know I need to... Sorry. I'll just give it another ten minutes, okay? Eiffel... Don't get caught. Just 10 more minutes, Captain. I'll check in when I can. Please, God, let this work. Jesus Christ, finally! What the hell took you so long to... Officer Eiffel, what are we going to do with you?

This has been Wolf 359 by Kinda Evil Genius Productions. Tonight's episode was written by Sarah Shackett and directed by Gabrielle Urbina. The role of Eiffel was played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherzarko. The roles of Hira and Price were played by Michaela Sui. The role of Cutter was played by Scotty Shoemaker. The role of Loveless was played by Cecilia Lynn Jacobs.

The role of Kepler was played by Zach Labresco. The role of Jacoby was played by Noah Mazur. The role of Rachel was played by Ariella Rotenberg. And the role of Ryman was played by Julian Silver. Original music by Alan Rohde. An audio recording by Jared Paul. Tonight's space transmission was Ganossian 1 by Eric Satie.

Want to help us keep up with Mr. Cutter's timetable? Do so by supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com slash wolf359radio. Thank you to Rina Sarame, Roosh Farm D, Sarah Shramek, Andrew and Abby Guthy, Egypt Spivey, Meg Bevilacqua, Amy Tang Wei, and all our patrons for your support and for helping us avoid being put under new evil management. Visit our website at wolf359.fm for full episodes and extras. And follow us on Tumblr and Twitter at wolf359radio for news and more.

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