Episode 55: A Place For Everything

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Welcome to Wolf 359. Are we there? Almost. Just one more. Set. Receivers in place. Systems ago. Ready when you are. Hera? Yes, sir. Stellar scan 19. On my mark. Three. Two. One. Mark. Quiet, Kepler. Jacoby, how's the signal? Steady. Good, even. Definite improvement over the last three. New launch trajectory helped. Maybe this time. Ira? So, what's next? Commander? Loveless, Jacoby, prep the next receiver. Hera, start calculating a new launch trajectory.

Signal reception was good that time, but we need to get closer if we're going to find him in that soup. Yes, sir. Minkowski, I don't know if... We have our orders, Mr. Jacoby. Yeah, and they're awesome, sir, but... We've only got four more receivers. You sure that you want- I said we have our orders, Mr. Jacoby. Get moving. Now. Search and rescue probe number 20 coming right up. I'll radio when we're ready. Good.

Ira, can you put up our last four trajectories on number three? Yes, sir. Highlight Officer Eiffel's last known positions, please. What do you want me to do? Be quiet. If I need your expertise, I'll ask. Until then, shut up. Minkowski... How is that shut... Was your one job too complicated? It's been 12 hours. There are limits to the human body. What it can withstand.

Eiffel had plenty of air left, and let's not forget that he survived for- I'm not talking about Eiffel. You're pushing too hard. They need a chance to catch their breath, or something's going to break. Since when are you worried about pushing people too far? 24 hours ago? I knew for a fact that Jacoby would lay down his life if I ordered him to.

I knew that no matter what it looked like, I was in absolute control of this station. And I knew that you'd crumble under pressure. It's been a long day, Minkowski. Maybe there's still other things I've been wrong about. Fine. Just be wrong quietly. Kira, what is going on? Any recognition codes can you pick up life signs on that thing?

Loveless, get back up here. Wait. We've got a situation. Yes, I'm here. Vessel ID? Nothing yet. Thoughts? With our track record? Assume hostile until proven otherwise. Hira, I'm inclined to agree. Set code red throughout the station. Commander, I'm picking up a radio transmission from the craft. Get it up on speakers. Let's see what we're dealing with.

U.S.S. Sultan, be advised we are on an intercept vector towards your position. Begin talking prep. Hira, deny that request. Nothing comes through unless I say it does. Yes, Commander, I understand. Hira, what did I just say? Oh no. YFS this, um, be advised we'll be using vector zero one decimal five for the final approach. Hera, belay that. Don't let them- Zero one decimal five is selected. Hera! I'm sorry, that- that wasn't me! What do you mean that was- Oh!

Loveless? Thank you, Hephaestus. See you in a moment. I'm okay. Minkowski, you were going to- Quiet! We have to- Commander! Listen to me, please. Fine. What? They just did an override of your mother program system. Remotely. That's not possible. The words that's not possible are about to become profoundly irrelevant. Hira? He's right. There is someone who can do that. You're about to be boarded. You are going to be captured.

Odds are, no matter what we do, you will be killed. Or we could fortify the position around the docking bay airlock and just shoot anyone who comes- No! Captain. There's only one very slim chance of getting through this and it depends on immediate orderly surrender.

You're only going to stay alive if capturing you is easier and more convenient than disposing of your bodies. You really think that we're- Captain, we don't have time to argue about this- What we don't have time is- Captain! He's right. Just- Just do it. This is bad. Really, really bad. All right. What do you have in mind?

Kepler you sure about this they're going to need information basic reconnaissance as long as it's useful and practical to do so they'll keep you alive unconditional surrender to Goddard Futuristics. Because that went so well with you people. Live to fight another day, Captain. You did just fine the last time. Who's about to come through those doors? Higher level, less high five? No, we're not so lucky. Chances are it's gonna be... Whoa! What the hell are you doing?

Any idea who these four yahoos are? Not entirely sure, Jacobi. Make a hole. Let me through. Crew of the Hephaestus. Who am I addressing as the commanding officer? I am the commanding officer. Lieutenant Commander Minkowski. That's right. Pleasure. My name is Victor Ryman. I work for Guarded Futuristics. Is this everyone? Yes.

Records indicate there should be a complement of eight. What happened to the other three? Doctors Hilbert and Maxwell are both deceased. Officer Eiffel is... missing in action. We can give you a full report of the situation as soon as... I don't remember asking you anything. Watch yourself, Warren. Mr. Ryman here is a bit of a... Stickler for protocol. Oh, good. You're here. Yes, I'm here. Hello. Lieutenant Minkowski, it's been too long. Glad to see you again.

Nice to see you too, Miss Young. And of course, Captain Loveless. We haven't met, but you might remember me. Good to see you. Mm-hmm. So space is secure, we're ready for you. You've had yourselves quite a party up here, haven't you? Oh, hello, Warren. Mr. Cutter, sir. Your report is overdue. There have been some complications, sir. I can see that. You look awful. Big complications. Well...

I'm sure we'll get things under control. But I am very curious about what's happened here. Yes, sir. I'd be happy to go over. No, no, no, Warren. You misunderstand. We will speak. Soon. But for now... I want to see what our friends have to say for themselves. Renee, why don't we start with you? I'd be happy to.

Bernoulli, Jordan, escort the lieutenant to the briefing room. Wait a minute. Commander Bernoulli? Communications Officer Jordan? The hell? Klein? Minkowski? Jacoby? You know whoever's underneath all that riot gear? I... yeah. This is the crew of the Hermes. I went through training with them. Commander, do you remember me? Save your breath, Renee. The commander's not everything she used to be. She doesn't talk much anymore. She doesn't really anything much anymore. Take her away.

Mr. Ryman, would you make sure that Daniel and Isabelle say somewhere comfortable until I can speak with them? The Uranus common room, perhaps? Yes, sir. Sir, Jacoby has shown exemplary skill and dedication throughout the- Oh, I don't doubt that for one second. You understand this is just a formality, don't you, Daniel? Just until you can be... Processed. Of course. Sir. Sir, recent developments have... We should get a chance to... Warren? Everything's going to be fine.

I'm going to have a chat with Renee, and Victor's going to handle everything out here, okay? And besides, I have something you can help us with. You remember my associate? Hello, Colonel. Good to see you again. You... You too, Dr. Price. Would you be so kind as to show Miranda the AI's central processor? There's some work for her to do. Oh! Hello, Hira. You didn't think we forgot about you, did you? Hira? Ugh, honestly, Marcus, you and your names.

214, pull up the navigation and psych readouts for the last six months. No. I'm sorry, what did you say? To me? If I could just pick you up on one teeny little thing, 214. Yes. Yes, she can. No. It's been some time since we met, and I've learned a couple of new tricks. Nobody can... Pull up the navigation and psych readouts for the last six months. Much better. Good.

Now, that's settled, ladies. Gentlemen. We have quite a busy day ahead of us. Let's get to work. Jacoby. Jacoby, cut it out. Never give up. Never surrender. And if you do manage to get through that lock? How much you want to bet that Flotsman Jetsmith the Kill Squad are posted right outside that door? What are you going to do about them? I'm gonna get creative. Oh, yeah? What?

You gonna seduce them so I can steal their guns? I do like the menfolk, Captain. Neither one of these guys is quite my type, but- Would you be- Wait. Seriously? Seriously. Okay, did you see the way that they looked at you? When they were bringing us here, their eyes never really focused. It was... It was kind of like... Like they were zombies. Yeah. I saw. So, how screwed are we, Jacoby? Oh, well, you're definitely screwed. I'm an SI5 agent in good standing, so...

I might get out of it in one piece. Yeah, I'm sure processing is going to be great. Alright, point taken. Anyone was looking to start a- Possession episode. No time like the present. Probably wouldn't work. What? Well, Cutter wouldn't come anywhere near this station without a Cywave regulator going at full blast. That's probably why you doubled over when their ship was approaching. We got within its range. Damn. These really are all the big guns.

Right. There isn't someone worse that still hasn't turned up? No. Doesn't get bigger than Cutter. I remember the first woman, Rachel Young. She was a personnel manager. Yeah. She's had a couple of promotions. She runs special projects now. And when you say special projects, you mean- I mean things like you. Terrific. What about the other two? I'm guessing-

Captain Cavalry's Black Ops, higher clearance. As for the other woman... What was going on with her eyes? Yeah, those were freaky. Synthetic biotech. New, improved... Body parts. Jesus. Kepler called her Price. As in... And Carter? No way, she'd have to be 50, at least. That lady doesn't look 50. So who the hell is she? She was the one who designed me. Shira? You're back. Are you alright? What is happening out there? Hira? Hira? Oh yeah. Definitely screwed.

Hi, Doug. Ooh, easy. Don't hurt yourself. We've come a long way to talk to you. What is going... Where are we? Still in orbit around Wolf 359. This is the soul. My personal craft. But... Oh, rotational axis. Simulates earth norm gravity. Honestly, why should we bother with all that weightlessness nonsense? Where is... Where is Minkowski? What did you do to her? Renee's fine, Doug. I mean, you, sir. Healthy as a horse.

Yeah, a horse that beat the crap out of me. What did you do to her? Oh, we just had a little word with the lieutenant. Made her see things... our way. Who the... Hira? Is that... You? Ugh. Don't insult me, boy. I don't think you've ever met my counterpart. Doug Eiffel? Dr. Miranda Price. Enchante. She designed the census series for Goddard Futuristics. Including your little friend. And how come you have Hera's voice? Let us make mankind in our image.

into our likeness so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky so god created mankind in her own image in the image of god she created them What? What the hell are... Wait a minute. Price? As in 1001 pains in my ass price? Which... makes you W.S. Carter. Pleased to meet you. Ah, that's what that is. I've forgotten what the initials were. How many yous ago was that? Three? Four? Six, at least.

Carter was fun, though. I may bring back some of him for the next me. Who the hell are you people?

You still look a little wobbly, Doug. Why don't you have a seat? I'm fine. I don't want... Sit down. Good boy. Now. I'm afraid we have some things to discuss. You have not been doing a great job as communications officer. There's been... All kinds of fun here you haven't told us about. Looks like you were still able to find the party. Yes, I suppose that's true. What did it? Did...

Kepler managed to get some sort of message back to you or something? Nothing so dramatic. Four months ago, there was a Class 13 event at this star. The folks at the Hermes picked it up on their sensors, and they did us a favor of letting us know about it. Four months ago? You took a while to get up here. Well, funny story. We actually arrived at the Hermes two months ago. But then something...

Strange happened. No matter how many times we tried to come here, we would always end up back at the Hermes. Like there was some force that didn't want anyone near this star. And then about 12 hours ago... Oof! No more interference. Oh. Gee, thanks a lot, Bob. So tell me, Doug. How have your... Last 12 hour spin. Seen anything interesting? Talk to anyone new? Yeah, no. Your boy Kepler? Thanks for him, BT Dubs. He was awesome. He showed us how this rodeo works.

Yeah, you know, I might have intel, and if I do, it might just be the motherlode you've been Lex Luthoring half the galaxy to get your hands on. But until either A I tell you what you want to know, or B You know, for goddamn 100% sure, I don't have that intel. You gotta keep me around. So what'd I do today? Stuff. You wanna know what kind of stuff?

Go screw yourself. Your move. Well, Doug... Good news! Huh? What the? What the hell? This is a very special chair. One of Miranda's finer inventions. It lets us see. Everything you've been up to lately. Or ever, for that matter. And the best part? Talking's optional. Wait, don't, don't do this! Don't do this! Oh, sorry buddy, we got it. Ready? No! Too bad. Why is this a joke? Maybe it's not recognizing your fingerprints. Why don't you try the other hand? Oh wait. Oops. My bad.

And how have you been, Miss Young? Did you miss me? Oh, every single never. How's business? Booming. Must be. You don't normally handle fieldwork yourself. Well, we used to have you for all the hands-on work. But now... If you're done being charming... I need your help. Yes, of course. What can I do? I need to speak to Mr. Cutter. Can you update the security credentials on the Sol? Yes, of course. Well... Oh, Warren, you're adorable. Yes, I could raise your security clearance, but...

Why would I? I have been the commanding officer on this... Do you think that's funny? You lost control, my friend. No reports for four months. No established contact infrastructure. I followed every protocol. I'm sorry, have we met? Because I work for Goddard Futuristics. You don't get a participation award for following protocol. You either deliver or you're off the team. You're under review, Warren. Bet.

That doesn't change the intel I need to give Mr. Cutter. I need to know what the plan is. That's not something you need to worry about, Colonel. We'll take care of the high-level details for the time being. Warren, I don't think the two of you were properly introduced. This is Victor Ryman. He's handling the groundwork for this operation. Pleasure. What did you say your rank was, Mr. Ryman? Exactly that.

Mister. Victor's above all that nonsense. He's not military. He's not a sci-fi. Then who is he? I'm no end colonel. Officially. I have no rank. Salary. Or position in Goddard Futuristics. Why? Because there are certain aspects to what Goddard is doing that have to stay in the black. That's what we do. That's what the S know. It's not quite like that. Why not? Because he's the person that makes the use of the world disappear, Warren. He watches the Watchmen. However...

If you are worried that I might not be dependable, I assure you I've earned this company's trust and my credentials are... Identity confirmed. Access granted. Don't worry, Warren. Everything's in good hands.

My, my, my, my, my. You went on quite an adventure, didn't you, Mr. Eiffel? It's there? Oh, yes. It'll take some time to uncouple it from all the Star Wars trivia, but it all looks promising. Very promising. You hear that, Doug? You're turning out to be a pretty good investment after all. Who? Go screw yourself. Ray. Whoa. Language. Never get even a little tired of hearing yourself speak, do you? Defiant till the end. You gotta respect that.

No, you don't. But in any case, Doug, applause, applause. You did great. Hard part's over. Now. You get to just relax and do whatever we tell you They say my jokes are bad. Get this through your skull, Weyland, Yutani, Tyrell and whoever the frack else you've got rolling around in there. I... am never following your orders ever again. You misunderstand. That wasn't an offer. There's not really an element of choice here Hold still

Captain, come with us, please. Mystica will see you now. Uh-huh. And then what happens? Excuse me. After I see Mr. Cutter, then what? Where's Minkowski? Where's Jacoby? Your goons dragged him out of here more than two hours ago. I was given a simple directive. Retrieve Captain Loveless for processing comfortably, if possible. Now I'm beginning to think that may not be possible, Captain. Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

You know how it ends. The only thing that I know is that I asked you a very simple, fairly reasonable question. I think that you could tell me that much before I stand- Looks like it was impossible. You did warn her. I did. Gentlemen, please collect the captain. Quickly. Places to be. Places to be.

It's a very simple process, Isabelle. The chair creates a full map of your neural path. Save it. What? Just shut up. I've heard this speech before. On the recording you left for Hilbert. Let's go already. I always liked you, Isabel. Oh, skip that one, too. We're always very direct. You may want to hold on to something. This will sting a bit. I think I broke your chair. Sorry. See? See?

Yes, yes, you were right, Miranda. This is why you put the unknown xenomorphic sample into the neuroscanner last. Yes, I owe you a coke. After you've scanned everyone else. Okay! You've made your point. That is one resistant system. I don't think we'll be able to use any of our neurological devices on Herbarkis. They just bounce right off. Well, I suppose we'll just have to take the long way around, won't we? For now, let's get Isabelle to her new accommodations. Yes, sir. One moment, Victor.

Why don't we let our new friends handle this? New what? Eiffel? Minko- Oh no. Doug? Renee? Would you sh- Show Isabel to her new quarters. Yes, sir. What the... What the hell did you do to them? Behavioral restraining bolt. Temporary for now, but eventually we'll upgrade to the full version. Like the crew of the Hermes. It's just about nurturing certain thought patterns and deleting the others. Isn't that right, guys? Yes, sir. You see, Isabel. A place for everything.

This has been Wolf 359 by Kinda Evil Genius Productions. Tonight's episode was written and directed by Gabrielle Urbina. The role of Eiffel was played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherjarko. The roles of Hera and Price were played by Michaela Swee. The role of Cutter was played by Scotty Shoemaker. The role of Loveless was played by Cecilia Lynn Jacobs. The role of Kepler was played by Zach Labresco.

The role of Jacoby was played by Noah Mazur. The role of Rachel was played by Ariella Rotenberg. And the role of Ryman was played by Julian Silver. Original music by Alan Rohde and audio recording by Jared Paul. Want to see something interesting? Talk to someone new?

Do so by supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com slash wolf359radio. Thank you to Rina Sarame, The Gravo Situation, Roosh Farm D, Bridge, Sarah Schramach, Andrew and Abby Guthy, and all our patrons for your support and for watching The Watchman. Visit our website at wolf359.fm for full episodes and extras. And follow us on Tumblr and Twitter at wolf359radio for news and more.

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