Episode 47: Into the Depths

I'm NFL linebacker TJ Watt and this is my personal best. YPB by Abercrombie is the active wear I'm always wearing. That's why I reached out to co-design their latest drop. I worked with designers to create high-performance activewear that holds up to my toughest workouts. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in-store, online and in the app. Because your personal best is greater than anything.

It's time to streamline with WhatsApp. The secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th. And never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end-to-end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. Learn more at whatsapp.com. Hey guys, Zach Valenti here. Welcome to Season 4 and...

Hold your horses. I know, I know. The suspense. It's killing us. But just three quick things before we get started. First, you probably saw this on Friday, but... We just dropped a new special episode about Lovelace's original mission. And you should really listen to that before you listen to this. It's big, it's fun, it's over two hours of brand new content that we're... really excited about. Can't you tell? If you haven't heard it yet, go to hearspoke.com slash wolf359.

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You can find all of that at patreon.com slash wolf359radio. And last but not least, in case you haven't heard, the official Wolf 359 merch store is live! Go check out store.wolf359.fm and buy our wares. Right now, you can get t-shirts featuring all the main characters and keep your eyes peeled for some new items coming soon. Once again, that's store.wolf359.fm. And now, without further ado, welcome to Season 4 of Wolf 359.

So here's a story. Pay attention. This will be important. I heard this story at... Well, I didn't so much hear it as have it crammed into my head with absolutely no consideration on whether I wanted it there or not. A long time ago. It's a thought experiment. Suppose there's this person. Could be anyone, really. For the sake of convenience, let's call him... You. One day, you're walking through a swamp when suddenly you're struck by lightning. You fall into the swamp and you sink.

and sink and sink into the depths and then you're just But that's not the end of the story. Because right at that moment, another thunderbolt hits the swamp water. And by some miraculous alchemy, it rearranges the swamp water. starting a chain reaction that culminates with the formation of of a new you. Exactly like you at the moment of your death. And now is when things get interesting. Because you knew you.

They've got a brain exactly like yours, down to the neuron. They think like you, talk like you, make poor decisions about their personal diet like you. They will walk out of the swamp believing they... are you they'll go back to your life show up at your job love who you love and live your life and die your death and the world will go on Are they really you? And if they're not, what makes this person that has your body and your memories

and believes with every fiber of their being, they are you. Not you. What is it that makes you, you? Alright. Ready or not? to Wolf 359.

That's not Captain Loveless! Like I said... Stop saying that! Bifold, you're freaking out! Yes! I am! I invite you to freak out with me! Would you get it together? No! Oh! Something very few people have seen, Hira, but which I think you will understand. Think of it as a physical reboot. And you knew! You knew this would happen! Not exactly. Jacoby, you didn't know about this? Of course I didn't! How is this even supposed to be-

This should still take a few minutes. What to take a few minutes? Would you just explain what is happening? Well, Officer Eiffel, it's just a simple matter. Medulla. Yes, oblongata if you have it, but if you don't, I'll settle for the hypoglossal nucleus. No, wait, that's not right. It's... it's okay, Captain. Oh, is it Lambert? No, wait, uh, not Lambert. You're the other one, the funny one. Well...

Not the funny one, but the one that thinks he's funny. Yes. You're my friend. That's right. It's me. Conan the Destroyer. No, Conan the talk show host. Conan the mid-level Wall Street broker? broker yes no that's not right is it oh well it's not not right well it's not not not right and and that's what counts kepler what is Does this happen to you when you reboot? Every single time. Clippy! You're still here. You know, I was worried for a moment. Or maybe it was an eon.

Probably somewhere between a moment and a neon. What is she even talking about? Oh, Huey, you're here too! And Dewey? Dewey? And of course, who could forget the last member of the trio? Chernabog from Bald Mountain? Good to see you, Captain. Good to see you, too. Good to see you. And also... Also... Also a little bit not. Yes. No, no, no, no. Well... Maybe. But also, no. You did a bad thing. You did a thing. You did a rude thing. You were rude.

Yes, let's maybe get away from the rude man. No, stop. I need to find the right wavelength. This is all very caveat emptor. Of course it is. No, that's not a good thing. We have to get back. to the place with all of the bendy and figure out who invented the swirling and the vasomotor sensor. Easy, Eiffel. I got her. Is she- Out, but fine. At least, I think she's fine. Getting there. We need to talk. No, we need to get her to a bed, make sure she's stable. Then I'll deal with you.

Eiffel, help me. She's asleep, I think. Muttering to herself, but she's settling. Hira, give me some good news.

Good job, thank you. You, explain. I think by now you've all realized that the person you've known as Captain Isabel Loveless isn't really that person. Or human. Which you've always known. Which I've always known. She is a very convincing duplicate of Isabel Loveless, sent here by the presence you established contact with. This is...

So you've been lying to us and she's been lying to us possible but unlikely When I say a duplicate Eiffel all evidence suggests that that includes mental infrastructure. I don't think she knows I think she's under the impression that she is the real Isabel Loveless. How in the name of God could you possibly know- Because this isn't the first time they've seen this happen. Is it? No. Not me personally, but Goddard has long time ago But right now we've got other problems like what?

Like, look out the window, Officer Eiffel. Hira? How are those side wave emissions doing? Yeah That back there wasn't the contact event That was the warm-up act And if you want to get through it, you're going to take these handcuffs off right now. You're hilarious. I'm right. Look.

The plan was for all of you never to find out about this aspect of the mission. The plan was for us to be dead. That's kind of what I mean. What about Jacoby? Yeah, was I supposed to find out it? The point is, you're here now. Welcome to the big leagues where everything is really, really scary. But... Good news! It's still possible for everyone in this room to make it through in one piece.

If you start listening to me, the only person with even the barest notion of what is happening right the hell now. That's not important. I'll be the judge of that. What are you going to do to her? I'm the smartest four-year-old in the universe, and I'm very cranky because of all the people who are dead because of you. Answer the question.

You have to understand. That's not Captain Loveless. Who your bosses also kill- That's a weapon. Designed to appeal to your sense of humanity. A weapon you'll like. Because it likes you, and it's about to go off. I'm going to disarm it before it does. She's a highly trained military ass kicker who can put herself back together. How are you- I'm going to get very creative, that's how. This isn't going to be pleasant. But you have to understand that it needs to be done.

Hira? Let me finish Shikander. I understand what you're saying. And now, I want you to understand me. You are never touching. She can't be trusted. It's okay, she isn't even human. That's very nice. But you're not going to stop this all by- She's not by herself. If you want to get Captain Loveless- You'll do it over our dead bodies. Agreed, Commander.

Is this a joke? You don't know what you're doing. And you have no idea what she is. But we know exactly who she is. She's one of us. You're not listening. We have listened to you. And now... Sit the hell down and shut up! Good choice. No, thank you, Hira. Again. Ahem. Not that that wasn't a great moment, but are we moving in the direction of a plan? One that isn't whatever Colonel Stryker was about to pull out of his weapon X-Files?

Yeah, it's called Get Clear and Hope for the Best. Hira, work on getting the engines to full blast. I know we just took a beating, but do what you can. Yes, sir. I'm going to see if I can find us a vector that'll minimize damage. Jacoby, I need a second pair of expert eyes. And what could possibly motivate me to... Oh. Consider yourself motivated. What about the comms department? The comms department is on trash duty. Get this piece of crap out of my sight. Aye aye, sir.

Okay. Hira, what are we looking at? And you were shielded against. Jacoby, any thoughts? I said, Jacoby, your hands are shaking. Yeah, look at him go. Nah, I... One of my friends just died. And I killed someone. And discovered that the man who has been running my life for years has been lying to me. And the only thing I feel right now... Relief. Re... What? Yeah, pretty screwed up, huh? Well, you weren't there.

You didn't hear him, outside, begging, so sure that... And ever since then, there's just been this voice in my head, whispering, well, how can you be sure? Maybe you're just a really good clone that thinks... It's Dina Jacoby. But now... We're getting showered by Sidewaves, and... I'm not having a fit. I figured it would have started by now if it was going to, so I guess I'm, uh... I'm... Oh. Oh, I was scared. I hadn't even realized how scared I was. Every single second since it happened.

I was scared. Well, that's new. I'm fine. Fine. Good. Sorry about that. It's fine. Don't think this means that I don't, you know, hate you all. Wouldn't have it any other way. Alright. Let's take a look at those star charts. Wow, we are so dead. I know. Right. Let's see what I can do.

Come on, move. You're... making... a... mistake. That's nice. You know... It's not too late to change your mind. Gotta start thinking about the big... If you start talking about the big picture, I will kill you. I have a gun. Someone's gotta think about it. Someone's gotta think about the people who aren't on this station. I'll take that under advisement. Let's go. You know, Eiffel, you don't know what working at Goddard Futuristics is really like.

You have a cool dental plan. Hooray. Nah, it's not about that. It's about going to new places. Meeting interesting people. You know, world leaders. Big scientists. Little kids. Wait, what? Hell. Just before I came up here, Mr. Cutter introduced me to the cutest little girl. Now, what was her name? Allison... Angela. Anne. That's what it was. I remember now. Anne. See, this is what I'm talking about.

It'd be a real shame if something made that little girl sad, no? Or if something happened to that little- Go back to the, back to the, back to the window. Okay, no, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't. No, wait, wait. Listen, I know we have. to take your time. To know that if you're not alright, you're not alright. That's fine. But that's not how this works. You're going to come help us.

Okay. You see what I'm going for? That might work, but... Easy. Nobody do anything stupid. Commander! Oh, for... How did... No sudden moves, Lieutenant. Or I'm blowing Eiffel's head off. Just shoot him, Mikowski. This is my own damn thing. Quiet, Eiffel. What do you want? Start with getting these handcuffs off. Throw the keys to Eiffel. Eiffel, catch. Good arm. Eiffel, get these handcuffs off me. Quickly. Gently. Better. Commander, I'm so sorry.

Alright, next. Lieutenant, you'll be putting that gun away now. Time to stand down. Not gonna happen. Really? How many more stupid decisions you gotta make? Because right now you're- Um, hello? Are you listening? Uh, yeah. Sure. What are you staring at? Is there something behind- Hi, honey. I'm home. Why you- Oh, no, you don't. I'll be taking this. I think you're done playing with guns. You okay, Eiffel? Y-yeah. Thanks. Good. I think it's time the Colonel and I have a little chat.

So, how have you been since the last time we hung out? I've been great. I went to this really, uh, kinda nothing place, then hallucinated a whole bunch, and, uh, now I get up to find everything falling apart. Did you miss me? Uh, Captain? You... You do... realized that... Yeah, Eiffel, somewhere in the vision quest I figured it out. And in case you're wondering, I didn't know about any of this before. Right? Right. Good boy.

What you did to me was monstrous. I could kill you. Maybe I should kill you. Hell, I've been thinking about very little other than killing you for the last hundred days. But I'm not going to. Upside of the whole violent death identity dissociation thing, there's time to think. Two days ago, click click, boom. But... I realized something. The whole epic rampage of revenge? Isabel Loveless wouldn't do that. The terrible wretch that you people made Isabel Loveless into? Oh, she'd do that, but...

I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be Isabel Loveless again. Even if I never have been before. Although... Okay. Now I'm going to be Isabelle Loveless. Good to have you back, Captain. Good to be back. Let's get these two back to their cells before... Oh, for gods! Can't we ever get a break? It's not at this station.

the engine. What do we know about this event? Next to nothing. It's causing fluctuations in the gravity fields and massive radiation outputs. Fine. Get me the readouts for- What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Uh... Captain? Your hands are glowing. Huh. So they are. Um... Your eyes are starting... What is...

Now, we are going to speak. Speak? Yes, Eiffel. Welcome to the contact event. What... What Hera said? I take it that I am now speaking not to Isabel Loveless, but through her? That is correct, Amundo. Very... good. My name is Colonel Warren. We know. How do you... We caught the reruns. Why is she speaking like... Because they learned English from Professor Magoo over there. We have been waiting for this moment. I am here to negotiate the no Listen to me. I am unimportant. Let me finish

I'm the commanding officer of this station. You will talk to me. No. You are a violent troll and we have had enough of your whamma jamma. We have nothing to say to you. I am the only one qualified to- We are done with you. But I am not done with you. You will deal with me or- ENOUGH! You think that violence gives you authority? I... I can't move. That you can take up airtime just because you have made yourself a weapon? What is happening? We are not like you.

We are ongoing. Work in progress. You are unable to hurt us. You will be unable to hurt anyone. Wait. Wait. What are you doing disarming you? There. Now we are done with you. What do you want? Where is the one we know? The speaker. Where is Douglas? I, uh... I think he's hiding underneath that console. Thank you. There you are. Yes, and- Closer. Actually, I'm fine, right? Closer. Okay, sure. Closer is good. We have been waiting.

Um, sorry? Waiting for... You. For you to communicate. For you to get together and feel alright. Sure. By any chance we could clarify what that might mean. You have started. You are ongoing. You cannot squelch off now. You really couldn't have the time. Get your act together. Finish the process. Quickly. Process? Like, do sort of? Work it out, Brainiac. And soon, the door won't stay open forever. We are waiting. Okay. That was... weird.

You gonna knock? Or just stand outside awkwardly? I was kinda leaning in the awkward standing direction. What can I do for you, Commander? Wanted to update you. Kepler and Jacoby are back in their cell. Kepler is... shook up, but stable. That's... good, I suppose. What else? Come on. You've got your face on. What face? Your, I don't want to have this tricky conversation, but someone has to be the grown-up for Christ's sake face. Is this where you suggest that maybe I should also be on lockdown?

Just until we're sure the aliens aren't about to make possession a regular thing. Not exactly. I want you to take over the Hephaestus. Excuse me? How is that a good idea? With the whole alien-ness? I trust you. And after what I did, I don't trust myself. I shouldn't be in command right now. Minkowski, I was the person pushing for the whole indiscriminate murder thing, remember? Yes, but... I disagreed with you. But you were in control.

I... I did what I did because I lost control. And until I get it back, I don't think my hands are the best one for this crew to be in. I think that's bull. It's not. I'm dealing with it, but... I shouldn't be doing that and in charge. I'm the very clear understanding that this is a temporary situation and that you are going to sort yourself out and kick me out of your chair ASAP. Fine. You're on. Thank you, Captain. Yeah. You're welcome.

Loveless has just assumed control of the station. Are you okay, Lieutenant? No, not really. You, Hira? Uh-huh. Nope. What about you, Eiffel? You mean, are you wigging out over your really close encounter of the third kind? I'm fine. Do I really have to call you lieutenant? Not if you don't want. Okay, good.

No. I may have given Marvin and the Martian Chronicles the words, but that mojo? That was one Roswell conspiracy above my grokking level. This is why we get into trouble. Commander, we have to get back to Earth. Eiffel, we don't know that what Kepler said is true. Why wouldn't it be? Yeah, now that we're ground zero for the new and improved invasion of the body snatchers, you gotta bet they're gonna be looking for leverage. One thing at a time, okay?

We'll see how much damage we just took on, and then we'll see what we can do. Well, I suppose at least things can't get any- Don't say that! Sorry! Maybe nobody heard.

Melon. Self-worth. Togetherness. Like a really, really big melon? Unity. Fusion. Century. Century? Just like an enormous melon. And time. Really, Klein? A melon? A MELON?! Wh-wh-what was it? No, hang on! There's still other combinations of melon and bigness you haven't tried. What if it's a gigantic melon? Captain? The word was flotsam. What? Flotsam. Oh, come on, Jordan. No, no, no, no. Do not blame the artist.

The artist is without blame. Jordan, can you even define the word flotsam? Of course I can define flotsam! No, I can't. Help, please. Oh, Klein, you were last. No, no, no, I wasn't last. Officer Klein, are you about to dispute my official ruling in the sacred tradition of nose-goes? No, Captain Bernoulli. Good boy. Get. Alright, let's see. That brings Officer Jordan's score up to...

Some tricky math here. So we have nothing, and then we have nothing, and then we divide that by nothing. It is not my fault that you people can't appreciate a true artiste. You do have a rather Dadaist approach to Pictionary, Jordan. Captain, I need you to come look at this, sir. And actually, you too, Dr. Burkoff. Whoa. That's... different. What are we looking at here? Psi-wave radiation flare? That's...

What, a Class 9? At those wavelengths? No way, Captain. That is a Class 13 at least. Klein, what's the origin point? Triangulating, but it looks like Wolf 359. It's gotta be. That's Minkowski's crew. What the hell are they playing at? Sir, are we doing this? Do it. Full readout. Jordan, on it, sir. One moment.

Alright, here we go. This is communications officer Jordan on board the USS Hermes transmitting to Canaveral. Come in Canaveral. When did this come in? How many people have seen this? Good. Expunge the records. No one sees this. It goes in the black. Rachel, this is a very busy... I know. I don't have time for any sort of... Thank you, Rachel. You're welcome, Mr. Cutter. It's already off the record. APO. Good. Clear the rest of my day. Of course. Say hi for me.

What are you doing down here? I... What is this? Read. Oh? Oh. Mm-hmm. It started. Well then, it looks like we have some traveling to do.

This has been Wolf 359 by Kinda Evil Genius Productions. Tonight's episode was written by Gabrielle Urbina and directed by Gabrielle Urbina and Misha Stanton. The role of Eiffel was played by Zach Valente. The role of Minkowski was played by Emesher Jarko. The roles of Hera and Price were played by Michaela Sui. The role of Loveless was played by Cecilia Lynn Jacobs. The role of Kepler was played by Zach Labresco.

The role of Jacoby was played by Noah Mazur. The role of Cutter was played by Scotty Shoemaker. The role of Rachel was played by Ariella Rotenberg. The role of Jordan was played by Kristen DiMercurio. The role of Bernoulli was played by Katie Speed. The role of Klein was played by Wren Beeler. And the role of Berkhoff was played by Zach Ehrlich. Original music by Alan Rohde. An audio recording by Jared Paul.

For more of Misha Stanton's work, check out Ars Paradoxica and The Far Meridian, wherever podcasts are heard. Want to help us get to the big leagues where everything is really, really scary? Do so by supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com slash wolf359radio. Thank you to Rin Sarami, Jamie German, The Gravo Situation, and Alex Brown for your support.

and your somewhat Dadaist approach to Pictionary. Visit us at wolf359.fm to get full episodes and extras, or follow us on Tumblr and Twitter at wolf359radio for news and more. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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