Emancipate Yourself

The Devil You Know, a Black Power Manifesto. We talked about how the black vote is too often taken for granted by the white male political system, and the ways in which we can take our power back and make our voices heard. Coming up, you'll hear my conversation with doctor Jen M. Jackson about the revolutionary and liberatory power of black love. As always, if you want to hear the full thirty minute interview, head over to my Patreon and subscribe for just five dollars a month at patreon

dot com slash woke AF. I keep replaying January sixth in my head and the trauma of that day and the fact that I knew you knew we were all

headed to that place, right. We know that there is there is something that I believe that is and this is me not putting words in your mouth, there is something that I believe that is inherently violent about white people, right when faced with their privilege being taken, when faced with the idea that they come White conservatives come from this place of lack of scarcity, right where they believe that anything anyone else achieves, anything anyone else is able

to attain that they already have, is somehow taking from them. And I wonder how you move, like how you're supposed to shift a society when you know that there are people that believe inherently in your lack of worth as a human. I will frame it slightly differently. I don't agree with I don't disagree with that, but I was saying slightly different than and say that there is something inherently violent about white supremacy, that many white people are

invested in that and they act out that violence. But it is the white supremacy itself that is violent. And the beauty of this idea, as you know, which what kept me up for you know, four or five days with very little sleep and very little food in writing a book post. I think when I ended. It was like twenty five thousand words. Was because it was so clear to me that we would no longer need to

center whiteness in black liberation. And whether or not you want to acknowledge that it has been centered or not, it has absolutely been centered the entire history of black people in this country. It either centers their guilt and us trying to get them to feel our pain. Either centers their resistance to our progress. It centers their participation

or their permission. The only reason you don't have reparations or police reform is because the white people, primarily white men, primarily rich white men in the Senate, don't want you to have it right, and that idea of the white male patriarchy existing and dominating every part of American power structure becomes the problem. They're the majority of the governors. They're only for none white governors in America. None of those four are black. By the way, almost all of

the ones who are, the white ones are male. White men are the majority of state House representatives in this country. About fifty white women are thirty percent and the other fifteen percent left over for the rest of us. So when we say things like the system responds like this, The system is predatory. Stop being euphemistic. The system is white men. The system is white people who benefit from

what those white men are doing. And the only impediment to you not being completely free for the system having been set up the way it was set up in the first place was because white men wanted it to be. And what this does. It says there's something that you can do. It does not ask their permission, that does not need their participation, does not require me to pat

you on the back for your racial growth. This is we can just assume this power, and that to me was powerful as a person who grew up in the set in nineteen seven, grew up in the seventies black power, always hearing revolutionary talk but never quite understand how we're supposed to get there. Arm revolution was never gonna work. But this is legal, this is constitution, It is revolutionary.

We can only experience black revolution and liberation by centering blackness, not just in our politics, but in every aspect of our lives. I was so delighted an honor to be joined this week by doctor Jen M. Jackson, teen Vogue columnist and author of the upcoming book Black Women taught us. Jen talks about the revolutionary power of black love, not just in loving ourselves, but knowing and practicing the love that we deserve as black people. For Jen, that includes

ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory. They talk about what those terms mean and how freeing ourselves from the patriarchal conceptions of love can be truly liberating. There was so much more we talked about in our enlightening and engaging conversation, and you can hear it all now at patreon dot com slash woke af For now, we pick up with doctor Jen M. Jackson telling us what exactly ethical nonmonogamy and

polyamory mean. So monogamy in the way that I've grown to learn it and understand it how I was socialized. I grew up in the Black Church, grew up very traditional, and for me, it was always about a kind of heteronormative principle around possession of one another in a kind

of marriage or some sort of nested environment. So some environment where the goal is inevitably an escalator that leads you into marriage, that leads you into this lifelong commitment where one person becomes your primary source for all manner of emotional care, right, so physical love, sex, intercourse, things like that. But also you know, folks use their marriages for things like therapy, for emotional work in terms of trauma healing, things like that. And so I witnessed this

growing up in monogamous relationships. And while folks do not say this as the formal definition of monogamy, I think it matters what people do in addition to know what they say. For me, polyamory has been really about finding ways to love expansively, right, So not just romantically and sexually, which is what a lot of folks reduce polyamory too, But it's about loving in a way that means that love does not have to be closed off, categorized, boxed in.

This includes platonic relationships, This includes best friends, to includes people who we have deep Internet connections with and we go on dates and we buy each other gifts and we care for one another, but we don't have the goals of being married, right, And so being in a polyamorous love style allows for folks to see themselves as

folks who are worthy of love. Right. There's something I think that is particularly harmful about being black and queer and monogamous in a society that all already tells us that black folks are not valuable, worthy or worth loving. Being a black queer woman and monogamous is very violent. The notion that one person is my one soul, make my other half, right, because I knew that someone will complete me, and if I don't find them, then what

am I incomplete? Right? Yea? Even yeah, the theory behind it, to me, reproduces so many of our own harms and insecurities and so much injustice toward black folk that I can't I can't participate in it um in terms of ethical nonmonogamy. So this came up a lot because you know, uh, Jada and Will and august Alsina had their whole dust up last year then a whole right, so a whole bunch of monogamous people got hold of it, you know, and we're like, oh my gosh, this is what the

polyamorous people do. You know, they've discovered the word entanglement and it was a whole thing, you know. Um, And that's what I was actually tweeting about when you saw that thread. I was tweeting about the that during all of that there were people who I really respect folks who are in the disability justice space, Folks who are in the social justice space, raised justice space, gender justice space, who were saying horrible things polyamorous people, not realizing I'm

a whole polyamorous person, a very out polyamorous person. I have a husband, assist gender queer husband. We have three children. We gave birth to those children. I gave birth to those children, and he is a sexual. We've been together for eighteen years. I also have a boyfriend who was sist gender and heterosexual. He lives across the country. And I have two girlfriends, the one who lives in the DC area and one who lives in New York City. I love all of these people very very much, like

very deeply. These are my twin flames. These are people who I don't want to live without. And when I was witnessing this happening on Twitter, it was very hurtful to me because people were saying things like, oh, well, polyamorous peop who are just trying to have a lot of sex, or they're very childish, they can't commit, they don't want to make that us adults have to meet.

And I think to myself, that is so interesting, because my life I make lots of decisions, and I have so many commitments, and I actively engage in these agreements every day. And so what I want to break down for folks is that this idea that monogamy is the place where agreements lie is really just a superficial or artificial boundary that people have created to make monogamy seem like it's righteous and like it's the only way in actuality.

Most polyamorous folks understand that agreements that we enter into, entanglements that we enter into, are so important that we have to actively engage with them and re engage with them over and over and over again, whereas monogamy has this kind of hidden curriculum you're just supposed to know.

I remember growing up, you were just supposed to know that when a boy hit you and then he liked you, or you were supposed to know that if you were going out to problem with someone and this person want to go to problem with you, then the other person you like, you can't like them anymore. Right Like, all these rules about how you're supposed to navigate monogamy were imparted to you implicitly, but in polyamory, because you are navigating these kind of open relationships. The dialogue often is

also supposed to be very open. So this is where we get into ethical and unethical nonmonogamy. So, unfortunately, a lot of folks conflate unethical nonmonogamy with polyamory and with ethical nonmonogamy. So ethical nonmonogamy is not being monogamous, but doing so in a way that is upfront, clear and allows for consent for all parties involved. Okay, at one

point was ethically monogamous. So I did not have additional partnerships outside of my marriage, but that I have romantic interests people I loved, folks I went our own dates with and I spent time with. Absolutely that I care for them deeply, That I yes, But was I at a place in my life where I could build a life with them. I wasn't, So I was ethically nominogamous. They also knew my kids, they knew my husband, they

hung out with my friend groups. Right, Um, So unethical monogamy is cheating, right, This is sneaking out behind somebody's back, not telling being right and polyamory and ethical nominogamy are not the same. As explain explain the difference though between ethical nonmonogamy because I think we all at this point should understand cheating, right. Everybody has experienced it in one way or another, or been cheated on, or you know,

or or cheated um or witness stead. All of those things explain to us the difference between polyamory, where you are actively in relationship up with varied people, and ethical nonmonogamy. Yeah, so, I mean it looks different for different people, right, and in my life in the way that I've embodied non monogamy. But I always tell folks they ask, how do you love? How do you do this? I say, my goal and love, just as in everything else, is to do justice to

others and justice to myself. And so when I am in an ethical nonmonogamy situation or engagement, I am very clear about what my expectations are, how I will engage, and what I have the bandwidth for and what I'm available for. Right. Monogamy often teaches us that if we come into contact with our soul mate or our other half, that we're supposed to just drop everything, move across the country,

forget our dreams. Right like it's now our whole life has to change and fold itself around this new person, because that's the only one and you better get it

or you lose it. Right. So, ethical nonmonogamy releases us from some of that right because it says, no, actually, you're your twin flame, you are your most complete part, You are your whole, and so it puts you in a position to have authority over your love life in such a way where you can say, I actually am not available to do that, but I still want to be in your life. So what are the parameters around which we can enter one another's lives and still do

justice to ourselves. You can still be a whole person over there, and I can still be a whole person over here. Or if we'd like to walk together and live together, or we want to have children or start a business, or we can do those things, but we can be clear about where the justice looks like for me and where the justice looks like for you, and

so for me. That's how ethical nonminogamy works. It's this ongoing cyclical process that allows for our relationships to grow and adapt because we our whole, right, we are whole people, and so what we bring to the relationship is the most important part, not the fact that we found this person who is now going to save us and heal us six things. And that's the that's the logic that

we have to get away from. And that's also the logic that often compels people to cheat, right, because it's the same right, ye, Right, It's built of Oh my gosh, my body is telling me that i want something else here, that I'm missing something. But I'm afraid to actually be honest with myself and with others about what I'm feeling. So it's inherently saying my intuition is it's not something I'm going to listen to. I'm not doing justice. Wow.

So cheating is injustice to others and to ourselves, right um, And so ethical non monogamy gets us out of that process of injustice. Love should be a process of justice. I have often quoted Bob Marley's line from Redemption Song and then to pate yourself from mental slavery, None but ourselves can free our minds. I leave you with that thought today. Once you are equipped with the knowledge and information, it is up to you you to free your mind,

to get woke, and to live in that wokeness. White supremist patriarchy is a hell of a drug and it's fed to all of us, all of our lives. But we know there is a better way of thinking and a better way of living. If we come together, we can build power and make a better world for everybody. So please do share Woke a f with your friends, your family, and if you have not already subscribe. It's only five dollars a month to get five new one hour shows every single week at patreon dot com slash

woke AF as I say every week. As I say every week, and I'll be saying it until we are free and mind, body, and spirit. Power to the people and to all the people. Power, get woke and stay woke as fuck.