Understanding how to reform your behaviour | Elizabeth Bennett

Hi, Elizabeth. It's so nice to have you on the show. How are you doing today? I'm awesome, thanks. How are you? I'm doing fine as well. Okay, Elizabeth, you know... Well, I just wanted to thank you for having me on your show. Yeah, thank you for coming, for honoring the invite, you know. It means a whole lot. Okay, Elizabeth, you know, I am so excited to have you on the show for two reasons.

The first one is the fact that I believe that knowledge is the solution to what's problem and the second one is I firmly believe that there are some things that you know okay that some of my audience needs to hear this stuff directly from your mouth in order to experience transformation information. And I also know that I am going to learn one or two things from your story, your insight, your experiences.

I am so confident about that. So for that reason, I want us to get started with your story, the challenges that you faced, and how you overcame them. And afterwards, I've gotten some beautiful questions for you. Okay, Elizabeth, over to you. Thanks. So, my story is really about the challenges with bullying and what I noticed with students at school, because this is kind of how it started.

I noticed it with challenges with kids at school when I was teaching and certainly when I was in administration. And I wanted to find out from them really what was going on, you know, from their perspective, trying to understand why it was happening so frequently and being able to help teach the students too that, you know, there are different ways to be able to respond to things that are going on rather than inviting kids into your group and then pretending that you like them.

And then being really rude, crude, and socially unacceptable in your behavior with them. And it seemed to happen more like that with girls than with boys, because usually boys would be angry and upset with each other, and then five minutes later they'd be playing soccer or football or whatever kind of activity, and not so with girls. So as I was going through my administrative duties, duties being in a school and having more conversation with them and talking with their teachers and so on.

I was looking at that point in time and I was relatively new in the area of administration, but really in my heart, I wanted to be that silver bullet, the person in the world who was going to have a solution for the problem of bullying. And what I recognized throughout the. My time in teaching and administration and being with kids and so on and learning about them and learning about what was going on, I recognized for myself that it really wasn't about only one solution because there isn't one.

Every situation, every case, every conversation is very different and in some cases, very challenging. But what I recognized is that it's really about relationship And it's really about connection and understanding each other. And rather than making fun of kids for whatever reason, to understand where they come from, their background, their culture, their interests, and so on, and seeing that we are so much more connecting in what we want in the world than being disconnected.

And so that's how that started.

And then when I finished my career in education, which was just a couple of years ago, I retired as a school principal after 35 years in the field of education. I decided that I wasn't really finished. So I wanted to continue to share the messages with families and to be able to speak with parents. And so I wrote a book called Courageous Conversations, a guide for parents to understand and connect with their teens.

And so with, because I love the piss and vinegar and the raging hormones and all those things that come with teenagers, the things obviously that parents don't like the most. But with that, I help parents understand the whole idea of moving their judgment away and being able to understand where their kids come from and understanding as well that behavior is a form of communication.

Communication although in some cases it's not the best kind of behavior but it's still it's still an expression and so what i encourage parents to do is is to be curiously engaged about what's going on with them rather than being annoyed with the behavior to ask them so tell me what's going on because i'm noticing that you're angry or noticing that you're upset about So tell me a little bit more about what's happening there.

Now, what I recognized for all of that in these years is that I, too, was bullied as a kid. And there were things that were happening at home that were... Because my home was a little bit dysfunctional. There was domestic violence and there were other, you know, my father had lots of issues with alcohol and so on. And I had put that aside. But what I recognized as I was going along this journey and then writing this book and speaking to folks about it and.

You know, speaking to parents and going on podcasts and so on, that I recognized that my passion was to be able to turn some of that around so that other people wouldn't have to go through those issues and challenges and to be able to help parents as well have some different perspectives and different gifts and different just suggestions and ideas and strategies, strategies not to not for me to to teach them how to parent but simply to provide them with

other opportunities to have conversations with their kids and that's why i call the book courageous conversations because it takes a little bit for you to step out of your own comfort zone be a little vulnerable and at the same time invite your kids into having conversation with you beautiful release bed that's a great job you're doing you know the fact that you you went to the root by having a conversation with parents that's actually the root that

tells a lot and you know i am so happy about what you're doing because back then in high school i was also a victim of bullying, you know. I could remember vividly not being able to talk to my parents about it because I was so scared that if I tell anybody, they would add to the school and, you know, try to, okay, who among you is bullying my child? And, you know, that would have a whole lot of repercussion on me afterwards.

So I just kept it, I kept it within me you know not until when you know i just came out of it i couldn't take it anymore and i had to voice out these folks kept on bullying me every time all the time i i just don't know what i did to them you just you know and thank god it didn't it didn't turn out the the way I thought it would, because the principal, my parent, handled it well. So it turned out to be reaching out to the parents of those ones who were bullying me.

And, you know, this is what your kids are doing. So that's why I mentioned that I love what you're doing by going to the root, by going to the root. That's so cute. So that was how I got out of it. That was how I was free from that stuff, you know.

So shall we get started with the questions? Okay. So you mentioned your book. How did you thought of writing a book? Like the thought, how did it even started? Well, I mean, lots of it was from my own experience in throughout the years. And I thought that it would be a really good way to be able to share the information and be able to give it out to other people so that they could read and see through the stories.

Because, you know, because I'm a teacher, I like to be able to, you know, help people and teach them and provide them with information and so on. So, you know, I took some of the stories from things that had happened throughout my years of being with kids and being with families and so on, so that there would be something that was relatable.

And, you know, and I thought that it would be really helpful for parents to be able to read it and get some understanding about the possibilities that are there and some of the struggles that kids go through. Because part of what I do when I speak with families, if I go to a school and there's a parent gathering and I have the opportunity to share some information with them, I take a backpack with me. And the backpack has lots of rocks in it.

And on the rocks, I have written some of the issues and some of the concerns and some of the problems that kids carry. And so when I share that gives them a better understanding. Some of the challenges that kids deal with, because on those rocks, it could be things like, do I have friends? Do I fit in? Is the color of my hair the color of the moment? Am I wearing the right clothes? Am I wearing the right shoes? You know, what's happening in my classes?

My parents want me to do well. Am I sleeping? Is my social media up? Do I have enough friends? Do I have enough likes? Am I sleeping? There's an exam that's coming up. Am I doing okay in my classes? And so what I help parents to understand is that's the backpack that kids carry that you don't see.

Then they carry the backpack that has their books and their filter forms and their lunch that might be now a new science experiment because, you know, it's been in there for a while, you know, but any of those things so that they get to see the bigger picture.

And so those are some of the details that are in that book as well, not necessarily the backpack version, but really some of the stories that have occurred or some of the conversations that I've had with family, some of the issues that have presented themselves. And then that way, they get a chance to see if it relates to, you know, what's going on in their life, being able to pick the best moments to understand, and then try some of those things with their own face.

Okay, remind us of the title of your book again. And what made you choose that title? Well, the title of the book is called Courageous Conversations. A Guide for Parents to Understand and Connect with Their Teens. And I chose that title specifically because I love teenagers. I love their piss and vinegar attitude. I love their raging hormones.

I love those, you know, my favorite thing is their big eye roll and they look right at you thinking that you can't possibly know what you're talking about. And so those are the very things that aggravate and frustrate parents, but they are a space of telling parents what's going on. It's a form of communication.

And the reason that I chose courageous conversations is because oftentimes we put off having conversation and we say, oh, well, that's just like, that's just what he's like, or that's just what she's like. Like, oh, well, you know, and I'll, maybe it will, maybe it will, you know, maybe I don't need to speak with them right now. Maybe that'll just work itself out, or we'll just give it some time.

And then what ends up happening is things get out of hand, and they get bigger, and they get more frustrating. And so then we're put into these situations that oftentimes, if we had had that initial conversation, if we had taken that time to start that conversation earlier, we might not be in this place. So I chose courageous conversations because we need to step out of our comfort zone. We need to be vulnerable with our children as well as allowing them to see a

little bit of what's going on with us. I got that.

Okay, you know, I feel like you are an expert in your field. Can you talk to us about what made you an expert in your field? The expert piece is about just being real with the students that I've been in contact, being real and authentic and genuine with my interest in them and my being able to understand where they come from and what's going on with them.

And then at the same time, you know, being in that space of being able to teach them and showing them different perspectives and different ways of being and doing things and helping them to understand that. That they're human beings and that they make mistakes and that they can correct some of them and they can learn from them and they can move on to be better people. And so that's been the culmination of everything that I've done throughout the years.

So I don't classify myself as an expert because I'm just one person who's trying to make a difference in the world and you know i've chosen to do it with kids and parents beautiful and i must say this that you are doing a great job you know keep going okay so to bring this to and elizabeth what would you like to leave the audience with like a final thought and to those ones who like to reach out to you learn more about what you do how can that be possible Well.

Anyone who's interested in reaching out to me can reach out to me through Elizabeth at CourageousNetwork.com, and my website is called CourageousNetwork.com. What I'd like to leave is the opportunity for parents to really be engaged with their kids. And that means sometimes we need to put down the cell phone, we need to turn off the computer or the TV or the games or whatever, and just take some intentional time with our kids.

And if you have many children to be able to, even if it's 15 or 20 minutes, just with each one individually, because they're each individual and unique characters, they're unique beings, and we want to be able to understand where they come from too. And to be able to have those courageous conversations and have some fun, because I think that's missing in our world. We're too much about being busy, busy, busy.

But if we don't take the time to, if we're focused only on the busy piece, our kids might not be there. That was a great one. So that's going to be the end of the show, Elizabeth. Thank you for coming and thank you for dishing out this valuable information. Thank you so very much. Thank you. It was a pleasure being here.