Love the podcast? You'll love seeing even more of it on video. Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get the Angel Reese special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good?
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. won't you date me a podcast where me Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come um uh you could come on the table and then cut the dried cum up and say, that's a SIM card. I guess today is a comedian cartoonist.
And co-host of the podcast. I don't even use a SIM card. I don't think anyone uses a SIM card. And co-host of the podcast is Sweethearts. Her new comedy special, Dad Jokes, is out now on Hulu. It's... Welch. Welch. Welch. Like hard C-H. So is it Welch grapefruit juice? By the time people get to Welch, it's like they understand. They're not grapefruit juice. They know who it is. Yes. Yeah. It's Welch? Welch's? Yeah. Welch's.
We've been calling it Welches. This is humiliating for me. To the Welch family. Oh, my God. How disrespectful of me. Yeah. Jack Welch, other famous people. Are you of the Welches? No, but I used to lie about that when I was a kid. They'd be like, you own fruit snacks. I'm like, hmm. That's a funny lie. Yeah, it is a great lie. My sister's old roommate, her last name was Ortega. So I would call her, her first name, Ortega, heiress to the Ortega's fortune.
And my sister was always like, why do you do that? Because her last names were taken. That's funny. It's such an easy thing to lie about. Right? Especially when they see my mom pulling up in her car, they know immediately I'm a compulsive liar. Oh. Yeah. No? You got a question? Yeah. You're married, aren't you? Yes, I am. When did you get married? Okay. It was either 2017 or 2018. I cannot remember.
It was 2017. It was? Yes. Oh my God, thank you. And it was during the winter solstice. Wow. Yes, yes. I knew the date, but I always forget what year it was. It's okay. All the years are running together. It's kind of wild. Yeah. It was the first Trump administration. I remember that. Isn't that funny that we get to say that now? Mm-hmm. The first. Trump administration. Especially after having a break. Yeah. A little halftime. Yeah. It's almost like...
graduating high school and then going to college for four years and going, I want to go back to high school. It is. We're Josie Grossie. We're Josie Grossie. Oh, man. What? That movie does turn out well. She kisses Michael Vartan, her teacher, which is not truly okay in the grand scheme of things, but for the movie world, it's okay. So that's at the end of this administration. We can all look forward to kissing Michael Vartan.
Who I don't even know if he works anymore. Mars, can you look up if Michael Barton is working? Sure. He was in so many good rom-coms. Was he? I only know him from Never Been Kissed. And I know he was on Alias, but I have never seen Alias. I'm not interested. Yeah, me neither. I don't even know. So it's a spy. It's Jennifer Gardner with her brown hair flipping around, and Michael Vartana's there. And that other guy. His last credit was in 2018 for God Friended Me. You're right. Oh, on CBS? Maybe.
I love that you know that. We don't know any other movies he's been in. Yes, CBS 2. It was on CBS? CBS 2. Why do I know any of this? CBS 2. Wait, CBS 2? What is that? I don't know. It's just CBS and the 2 logo. Do you know what that is? It's like ESPN 2.
There was a CBS too? That's probably local. The local affiliate of CBS. Oh, on the East Coast CBS's channel too. I don't know what it is out here. Right. Never gotten to cable out here. Anyway, you got married in the winter solstice in 2017. Yes, I did. Yeah, I got married. married i did it and we're still together that's not even yeah even all these trying years we're still together
It has been. It's been a long time. And you met, or no, your first date was at Mohawk Bend. We, our first official date was at Mohawk Bend. Yeah. It doesn't exist anymore. I know. Yeah, because here's the thing. She asked to meet at Jones in West Hollywood, which is an iconic bar.
And I don't think that's going anywhere. And so if I would have not ditched the first date. Oh, you could have had a nice anniversary spot. Yeah. Now we got to go to Pit Fire Pizza, which is what's in Mohawk Bend now. Which is kind of a bummer, isn't it? Yeah. But OK, can I? This is very. controversial opinion. I actually think that I would eat a pizza from Pit Fire.
and like it more than Mohawk Bend. I liked Mohawk Bend's pizza. I did too, but I really like Pit Fire. I also do like Pit Fire pizza, but I guess it's a bummer for me because it's a chain. Yeah, it is. Chain, chain, chain. It's a chain for a reason though. Yeah, it's good. I feel crazy today. I don't know why. But I guess, yeah, chains are good.
But like they bum me out. Do you know what I mean? Well, there. Yeah. I mean, you go into a chain and I hate like walking into a bad Panera chain because there are actually, believe it or not, some good Panera chains in the Midwest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like my grandma, my mom go as if it's like a French cafe. Really? It's genuinely good and it's run well.
That's really funny. Anyway, you got married during the winter. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did you ask your wife to marry you? So we were going on this big trip. And we kind of knew that we both wanted to ask each other separately. And so we knew it was going to happen on the trip because she didn't really want like a big surprise, like it's going to happen. And so we were like, okay, it's going to happen on the trip. I'll go first and you go second. And that's all we knew. And so when we were.
In proposing? Yeah. You picked a proposal order? We did. Wait, that's really funny. And you just said that like it was a normal thing. No, it's not normal. Yeah, I guess. Or not normal. It's unusual. It is. Fun, though. Yeah, it was. Because she didn't want to be surprised. So I was like, okay, I just know it's going to happen. After I do it, I know that she'll ask me at some point on this trip. And we were going to Paris and Barcelona. And so I asked her in Paris.
And then she asked me in Barcelona. Oh, that's nice. And it was, yeah, it was so fun. Did you like Paris? I mean, it was raining and we were there for two days. Okay. Paris is interesting. I found it to be a very romantic city. And it was like pretty to see like... Kind of like how New Orleans is kind of like very, very pulls from, you know, French culture or whatever. But I was like, what a dirty city. It was dirty as hell. It was. I don't remember.
I feel like I've been in so many dirty cities that I don't even remember it was dirty. Yeah, I mean, I guess cities are just dirty in general. But I also got into a cab with a man who smelled so terribly that I simply was like, you don't smell yourself, you don't do it. How are you living? Because all the windows are up. And I was like, nobody's sentencing you to live like this. Roll down a window. Go get deodorant. And then nobody liked it when I spoke French to them.
Except for the man at the hotel. He liked it. And he kept encouraging me, but everyone else was so mad at me. I know, because you think you have to know a few phrases and you go over to a country, they're like... I know immediately they know we're American. Well, other countries, sometimes they're like, wow, you tried. That's fun. Like everywhere I've gone to Mexico, they're like, good job, idiot. And I'm like, yay.
Because I'd be like, hola. And they're like, nobody cares what you want to eat. Hamburguesa con queso, por favor. And they're like, good job. And in France, they were like, no, stop. Yeah, they want no part of it. You're right. Yeah, it's very mean. And I feel so self-conscious saying anything in any other language. Why? Because I know it's bad and I know they know. I know they know I'm an idiot. Like I know that. They know. Well, it's wild that we only speak English. It is. It's...
I mean, that's my parents' fault. Like, that's on them. No, it's the education system's fault. And the education system's fault. And if we're similar ages, George Bush's fault. No child left behind. Actually, I have no idea what that's about. None whatsoever. I just know that he was like, don't leave the children behind. I was like, some of them need to be. Like the dumb ones, leave them behind. Yeah, I got a few siblings I could have left behind. Right? Yeah.
You left me behind, honestly. I need a little bit, a little extra time. So how did she, wait, okay. So what did you do in Paris? Did you wait for like a very romantic moment? So my plan was... I read somewhere that the oldest tree in Paris was in this park. And I thought, isn't that cool and possibly symbolic? And I... Had a little, I can't remember what I had prepared, but I had a few things on my phone prepared to say. And then, so we're going on our walk. We had a few shots of tequila. And.
And we were walking. It's raining at this point. It's always raining in Paris. And we get to the park, and the park is closed. Oh, no. And that was my whole plan. I just wanted to get to this old tree. And hope it doesn't fall on us. And I like proposed to her. It must be really romantic. Will you marry me? This tree's not going to kill us. Yeah. And then so, I mean, everywhere is romantic in Paris. It is a romantic city. So we went like.
like down by the river. And I was like, this seems nice. And it was like under a willow tree. And then I just like proposed to her and it felt so weird. It felt like I just don't feel like I should be like. Because I like went down on a knee because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And it felt so wrong to me. Like I was like, why am I down here? Like what? Like it felt so I can't even. It's like she I was like.
Like, she's like my queen or something. I was like, this is odd. Like, what's wrong? It is. I have never thought of it. It is weird to get on one knee. Yeah. Why? Mars. You gotta look up. Why? Why are we doing this? Why is that a tradition? And also, like, when you're gay, you really can make up your own rules. And I don't know why I didn't make up my own rule at that point.
It does stem from medieval times as a practice of knights kneeling before their lords as a gesture of respect, loyalty, and submission. Wow. Oh, interesting. I know a lot of men who've gotten on a knee and were not respectful and didn't submit. So that's pretty interesting. I don't think I need anyone to get on a knee. No. I mean... you see the photos, like not these photos, but like of anyone getting proposed to it. I'm like, okay, but when you're actually doing it, it's weird.
I'm telling you, it's just the weirdest thing. Everything inside of me was like, this is wrong. And it was just because I was down on a knee. Well, it's strange because it's like you're getting on one knee because you have two knees, but you're only getting on one. Yeah. And then. There's another person who's like, ah, screaming at it. And then there's people walking past her like, what's, oh, it's a, like, it's just, it's a weird thing that we do. It's very weird.
It is like, we were like, we'll probably come back in the morning and there's like a dead rat with an e-print on it. Because Paris is dirty. Paris is filthy. As we know. But romantic. Yeah, it was romantic, even though it felt wrong. And yeah, and then she proposed to me in Barcelona. Where in Barcelona? In an Airbnb.
But it was a really pretty one. Oh, it is nice. Yeah. And I don't remember anything we said. You prepare so much. Like, what am I going to say? And then you go, what did I say? I don't know. I was just like thinking about how I was on a knee, you know? how weird that was. You said it was raining. Did your knee get wet? Yeah. Ew. Yeah, we were wet. We were just like, And then you just had to walk around wet. Yeah. But engaged. But engaged. So. Yeah.
People were envious of you. There was some woman somewhere that was like, I wish I was wet and engaged. I don't know if I would ever propose to somebody. I don't know if I want to get proposed to. Yeah. But I'm like, yeah, what do you say back? If I know someone's going to propose to me, should I have something written that I then take out to read to them? Right. Like it's The Bachelor?
I've never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or The Golden Bachelor. At the end, they all have... Well, I guess, okay, Love is Blind. They both have... Do you watch Love is Blind? I watch the... The second season. Oh. Yeah, I do a weird thing where I'm not...
I'm not getting on it when everybody's excited. I'll get in, I'll watch one season, and then I dip out. I love that you're like, wait for them to get rid of those kinks, too. They iron them out, and then you're like, I'm in season two when the producers figured out what they were doing. Yeah. They figured it out. Fat people are not a part of the conversation, which I think is wild. Put some fatties in there. Put some real uggos in there. Let's really see if love is blind.
I do agree. Wouldn't that just be more entertaining? It would be entertaining. I totally agree with that. Because love is not blind. I think you put someone in there. I'll say it. Somebody, young voice, 86. 86-year-old with a young voice. I thought you said young boys, and I was like, I don't think I can co-sign that idea. You're like, actually, delete, delete. Officer, she's here. Rewind. No, I agree. Really old guy, young boy.
Yes. Old ladies, young voices, big titties, strange voices. I don't know. Big titties. Let's get some voice actors in here. Imagine the hottest woman you've ever seen with that voice, and then you realize that you didn't choose her. And you fucked up. Yeah. That would be more entertaining than what they have going on. Yeah, I agree with that.
And I'll say it, Nick and Vanessa, not great hosts. I just have a feeling that they go to a lot of couples therapy, but not in a good way. In like a last ditch effort kind of way. Right. Well, they just never ask the questions I want to know the answers to. It feels like they always just end up talking about their relationship. Yes. And I don't think anybody should be...
Like, if they break up, it's their career's over at this point. Uh-oh, yeah. Well, no. Look at all this love. Nick Lachey will just bounce back with another woman to do things with. A different reality show, you're right. Yes, because he went from Jessica Simpson. to Vanessa. And then after Vanessa, there'll probably be a Tiffany. Yeah. Or a Marta. Ooh, a Marta. I don't know. Hopefully he'll date someone age-appropriate. That seems like an age-appropriate name. Yeah. You're right. But...
Love is Mine will be over. Somebody else, another married couple will have to host it. Who do you think? Maybe Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber. Yeah. Somebody stable. Yeah. Wait, how did you meet your wife? We met at... We'll take a break first. Yes. It's a cliffhanger. We'll never know. taking care of my skin but I hate wasting money on products I don't
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Yes. I do like... I mean, I've only been to three in LA. Okay. So Highland Park Bowl. Yes. They're hard to get on the phone. Right. The Roosevelt has like a little party room where they have like two lanes. It's really cute. Right. And then Chateau is great. They got a good hot dog. Yes. That seems like a place where...
They, when smoking was banned from indoor places, they like took a hit. I think so. And they probably let people smoke still after that. Probably. Yeah. I love smoking inside. Not my home or anything. Because I think that's gross. Yeah. We watched Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw chain smokes in her house. And I think that's sick. But like out and about. Oh, my God. Give me a little ciggy. When I was younger, my parents smoked in the house until I banned my mom from doing it.
And it's funny that that was such an argument. Like, I really had to argue with her to not smoke inside. What was her counter? Once I actually kept doing it, she eventually just was like on the porch. But I don't think she ever had an excuse. I mean, Chicago is cold, but it is cold. But I feel like if your child is like, please stop my lungs. Well, that's why she quit smoking. She quit smoking for my 16th birthday. Oh, that's nice. Because I was bullying her so much. I was like.
You think I can go play basketball when you're just smoking? I have all this secondhand smoke? Like you're going to slow me down. And my hair would smell like smoke. And I just had all this smoke on me. And so eventually she quit for my birthday cold turkey and never smoked again. That's wild. Yeah. After smoking for 25 years. Whoa. Yeah. That. Does she? Well, I should talk to her. No, I don't want to quit. I quit for one year.
Because I read this book by Alan Carr and I got to the last chapter and I was like, I think I want to quit. So I stopped reading it. Yeah. And then when I wanted to quit again, I reread it and I finished it and I quit for a full year. And when I started again, I made a conscious choice. I was like, I'm gonna start smoking. I'm going to get addicted right back to this. And then I did that. You just, you read the book backwards and you started smoking again. Secrets are yummy. What is your brand?
Oh, it's humiliating. Marble menthols, they do not sell them in California. Is that green or blue? Yes, green. It is green, but it's fully green, not with the white and not with the gold. Oh, okay. Because there's a difference. Yeah. And then when I leave the state, that's when I get them. That's when you get them. Yeah. We used to do parliaments in like high school. Parliaments are the best because you can do coke with them. They've got that recessed filter.
It's a perfect bump. We're really missing out in Chicago. No one ever. No, I didn't even know anyone did cocaine until I moved to L.A. Everyone loves cocaine.
That's why girls go to the bathroom together. Yeah, I've learned that. I learned that. I always thought people were like, I was like, Jesus, why are they doing like a threesome in the middle of a party and they're taking up the bathroom this whole time? Because there's mirrors in the bathroom. Well, actually, there's a door so you don't have to share.
Right. That's the only reason. Because if you put it out on the coffee table, then other people... If you put Coke on a coffee table, it's like flies to honey. Is that the phrase? Flies love honey. Wait, what's the phrase? Who loves honey? Flies to fly strip. You can catch more flies of honey than with vinegar. Oh, hell yeah. Coke on the table is honey.
Wait, how did you meet your wife? Oh, right. Okay. So we met a place that's probably had a lot of people doing cocaine at it. We met at Chateau Lanes. Oh, yes, yes, yes. At an event, though, we met at an event that was run by Joey Soloway, who created Transparent. And it is called Les Bowl. And that's where we met. And it is embarrassing. Why is that embarrassing? Because it's just, I just never imagined that would be my fairy tale story that we met at Lesbo. You met at Lesbo? Yeah.
But you met at an event that has a pun for a name. Right. That's nice. Which is number one wrong, I feel like. I feel like that's immediately like this is unserious. I mean. Yes. It is funny, though. It's funny. At Les Bowl, I'll assume it was lesbians bowling. That's right. Look at me, scooping up context clues. So who spoke to who first? Did you see your wife and you were like, oh, yum, yum, yum. I was dating around at that moment. You were in the streets. I was on the streets and I...
couldn't be tamed, and had no interest in really meeting anyone at this Les Bowl. I was just going with friends. And I was kind of focused on the game. Because I was bowling with a few people and I wanted to beat them because that's always my focus when I'm bowling. Even though I make it seem like I am, you know, just being chill and talking with everybody. I do want to win and I do get.
upset if I don't. That's funny. Yeah. That you care so much. I care. I do. I care. I'm so bad at bullying. If I cared, it would harm my mental health. Like, I'm just really bad at it. So when you're bowling, you're not competitive at all? Or are you competitive with yourself? Like, I hope I get some pins down. No, I spend a lot of time being like, I threw that straight. Something's going on that's not me. I did good.
And I don't know why it's not knocking. Like, last time I went bowling, I kept rolling it down the middle, and it would hit the middle, and then it would leave, like, two on the side or, like, two over here, and I would turn around and go, they should have all fell down. And you're right.
And that's how I bowl. I hate when there's one on each side. And they're like, oh, you just have to hit it on the right. Hit the pin all the way on the right so it flies over to the other side. And you're like, how about, I think you should get, I think it should be like a field goal.
And you should be able to just put it right down the middle. And then you get three extra pins to your score. Three. I don't know anything about bowling. It's okay. One pin is one point. Yeah. But then if you get a strike, that's more than... 10 or something? I'm so happy those are automated now because it is impossible to map. I wouldn't know how to figure out a bowling score. There was always one person when we go bowling. We used to always go bowling in high school.
And you'd have to get the one friend that could pay attention enough to do all the math and to not get wasted and figure out our scores. I feel like it's always been. No. No? No, there was a place. You just put your name in. What, you're writing it down? Yes. What? No, when I was a kid. Circle Lanes, that's where we went. It was not automated. Really? Yeah.
I wonder if it was on, my mother was a bowler and she used to go to Brunswick Lane's in Eatontown, New Jersey. If you know about it, let me know if it's still open. But I feel like all of it was automated. There was also a kid's room where all the toys were covered in like filth. And I remember being a child being like, I'd rather sit in the smoke than be in here with these nasty toys and these nasty children. Ugh.
I love a kid's room just like the children of bowlers. Like, what are we doing here? The children of bowlers, they just sat in this room. I don't think there was an adult there either. We were just put in the room and told to not come out. That place did not have automated scorekeeping. And then my sister was always like, we were told to stay in here. And I'd be like, well, bitch, you stay in here. I know where a door handle is. I'm getting out. And I would always escape. You should. Oh, my God.
Okay, so you're at Chateau Lanes. Yes. And you see your wife. Okay, so she sees me. I'm bowling. I'm doing really good at bowling. I did beat everybody that night, and I felt good about myself. She came up to me and said, hey, I think I've played basketball with you in the basketball league. And I was like, oh, really? That's how we sparked the conversation. And we started to talk, but she was on a date with another woman. Yes. Yeah.
go after what you want. Yeah. And so she would wait. She waited until she went to the bathroom or the kid's room. Who knows? At this point, now I'm questioning myself. She's like, I got to touch some toys. And so she would wait for her and then she would come in and talk to me. And then after that, that woman was like, hey, do you have a thing for Mo? And she said no. But she messaged me after on Facebook. Uh-huh.
And said, do you like, hey, do you want to get together and talk about what position I could play in the WNBA? So call back to the conversation. And I still at this point was like, this is not a real, I think she's networking because she had just moved from New York. And I thought she wanted to like, you know. get in on the UCB deets. Like, how am I going to get a show? How am I going to get on this improv shows? Thinking I'm a gatekeeper. And so I, that's why I blew her off the first time.
at jones and then and then we met yeah and for our first date at mohawk ben Had she broken up with the other lady or was she in these streets with multiple people? She was in the streets and then, well, I think they were like kind of, they weren't like exclusive. They weren't like official. Yeah. But had gone on the date with her, like went to Les Bowl with another woman. So that's on her. I, of course, would never do that.
Well, no. You know what I mean? Also, every time you say lesbo, I'm like, I know it's a pun, but it also seems like a slur. You're right. Like, it just, if you say it... aggressively enough. It's like, oh, God, why'd you say it like that? Jesus Christ. Lesbo. You get shoved in a locker. Wait, have you been to Jones yet, though? I love Jones. Yes, I've been there.
It reminds me of Entourage. Like, currently, everybody looks like an extra from Entourage. Yeah. And I love it. Actually, I said I love Jones. I don't know if—it actually is a little loud in there, to be honest. It's so loud. It's so, and it's very crowded at all times. Yeah. But they have the best apple pie I've ever had in my whole dang life. Okay, I have to try the apple pie because I've only gotten the pizza. It's so good.
And I didn't like Jones for the longest time because I went on a date there and it was not a great date. And I was like, I'll never come back here again. And then I went back and I was like, wait a minute. I put something false on this place. Yeah. This place is great. Doesn't deserve it. It was the date that was not great. When you go back to—oh, yeah, because I have to bring this up. Okay, so when you go back to Jones, do you still—
see where you sat on that date and think about it a little? Oh, I have no idea where we sat. Okay, good. None whatsoever. But I was on a flight last night, and there— Every single time I fly Delta, I think about your story about the blanket. Don't open those blankets. every single time. They're disgusting. But that is what's so funny about being a stand-up is if you really get a joke into somebody's head, you will remember that comic for the rest of your life.
I'm happy to be in your head. Yes, every time. But truly, the blankets are disgusting. They don't wash them. Was it one of the little blankets or the big ones? It was a little one because it was from, I think... Atlanta to maybe back to LA? I don't remember, but it was, um... It was like the little ones in the bag. It wasn't like the Delta One big ones. So when you open that, but so even if I'm cold on a plane, so even if I open it, I always am waiting for something to drop because of your joke.
And I feel that way about dates, too, like where you really could get a place ruined because of a bad date. And, you know, the place doesn't deserve that, but it happens. How do you feel about having a place with somebody and then you break up? but it was like a place you went to a bunch, would you ever go back to it? Or would you just be like, it's retired? It depends on how long I was with that person. Like if my wife divorced me there. Obviously, I could never go back to Chateaulence.
Mohawk Ben, it's not a problem because it doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. You can go to Pit Fire Pizza for the first time. Yeah. Wait, Mo, tell me about your dating history. Did you date in high school? I did. I had a boyfriend all throughout high school. I had a high school boyfriend. Four years.
So you met freshman year and then that was it? Well, no, we started to date junior year and then we went after high school as well. Oh. Yeah, so he was on the basketball team and... We, yeah, we dated for four years and then broke up in college. And then I had a college boyfriend for two years. Oh. And he was like, they were both, I mean, the first guy was a natural bodybuilder.
What's a natural bodybuilder? They don't use any, like, they test to make sure that you don't use steroids or anything. Oh, well, what's the fun in that? I know. I agree. That's why we broke up. You're like, I need to get big. I was like, I need somebody with roids. So then I date this other guy and he's like a power lifter and rugby player. And was he using steroids? I actually don't know if he was, but he was...
big. He was like, I always thought it was so impressive. It's probably the reason I dated him because he could stand underneath the basketball hoop and jump up. and slam dunk two hands just from standing there stationary. Wow. Very big boy. Yeah. And I was like, that is cool. And I'm gay, I think. I don't like... I don't like you as a person, but I like this cool trick you can do. I don't like when we touch, but I love when you dunk.
God, that's really funny. Hey, stop kissing me. How about you dunk that ball again? I was like, that's hot. Whatever that is. I was always trying to get him to be on, like, my rec team in college, too. And he was like, he didn't really like basketball as much as I did. But, like, our co-ed teams, I was like, can you please be on our— I thought you were trying to Juana-man him.
Yes, can you please put on a ponytail? Oh, yeah. Joanna Mann doesn't hold up. Surely, surely, surely doesn't. Neither does Big Mama's House. Big Mama's House. Yeah. I thought that movie was so funny. And I couldn't rent it anywhere. So I bought it for $24.99. Does not hold up. I love Big Mama's house. Really? I loved it. I also, well, I loved Martin Lawrence and I love Joanna Mann. I remember.
crying laughing I don't care that it doesn't hold up now back then I was crying laughing with my siblings like this is because he was like running down the court trying to grab the players' asses, and I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I mean, here's the thing. Sometimes I'll watch a movie where I'm like, I know this didn't age well, but I'm still laughing really hard. Yeah. Oh, my God. Listen, that's happening in the WNBA anyway. OK, everyone's dating. Yeah, I'm sure.
People play each other. They're dating. Like, they're dating. They play each other's team. You're not going to grab a lot. You're not going to, like, good job on the rebound, you know? I'm going to box out my girlfriend pretty hard if I'm playing basketball with her. I mean, that's kind of funny. Box out. Like that was a hard foul. Let's talk about it later, babe.
Write the TV show. Write the TV show about, write a soap opera about love in the WNBA. It would be, I mean, so many, I feel like people have tried to pitch that so many times and now is maybe the time. I think you should. I think it'd be very fun. I've been to, I think, three WNBA games, and I really want to see the Liberty. I gotta see Ellie the Elephant. Ellie the Elephant is...
Who's under there? I don't know. Who is under there? I don't know. Someone who can dance. This is like my Banksy is Ellie the Elephant. Like, who is Ellie? I don't know. Who's Ellie? Hopefully they'll come out with a documentary about it. There's so many documentaries about things. Let's make a documentary about that. Let's do it. Yeah. There's already a documentary about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni's whole misfortune, and it's not even resolved. I was like, so this documentary's not ended?
How did you upload that? Is it like a 2020 sort of situation? Yeah. It's so strange to me. Oh, my God. Mo, I have to tell you. I watched a movie last night called In Time. Have you seen it? Is that a... Romantic comedy? No, it's a sci-fi with Justin Timberlake. Wait. I didn't know we let him act.
I hadn't. And then I mentioned this to someone today and they're like, he had like a whole career. And I was like, of several movies. Oh, yeah. And they're like the social network. And I was like, haven't seen that. And then they named something else. And I was like, what? Yeah, he had that one where he's like a bad guy. Really? Yeah, I forget what it was called. I missed it. But I don't know this one in time. Okay. The whole premise is time is money. Okay.
Immediately I'm in. Literally. And then you stop aging at 25. Okay. Random thing they throw in there. Right. Justin Timberlake's mother is Olivia Wilde. He comes down the stairs and he's like, hi, mom. I don't think I've laughed harder. It was so weird. Cillian Murphy's in it with a coat. He's running in like every scene. I can't believe this is a movie. Alex Pettifer. Remember him from Magic Mike? Poised for stardom, but acted bad on set. So he got blacklisted. Why do I know this?
He's in the movie. And I was like, God, his English accent is terrible. Hit Wikipedia. He's English. And I was like, what? Blew me away. I was like, how do you talk bad? That's your native tongue. Anyway, we should talk more about relationships. No, I love that. I want to know more about Olivia Wilde's relationship to her son, Justin Timberlake. Are you going to watch it? No.
I think you should. Do you think it, were you like, that's pretty good or was it like that? Okay. No, I Googled midway through who let Justin Timberlake act and there was no answer. Is that his last movie? No. Oh. He's been in several more since. And then I asked, is Justin Timberlake a good actor? And then Google was like, he's a capable actor. And I was like, Google's throwing shade. I said, good. I'm like, what? You say yes or no, Google. Capable.
That's a read. But he... It's some of the toughest acting I've ever seen in my whole life. But I recommend the movie. Would you see him live? For what? I don't know. Remember, did you see the memes or the videos when he was like the tour? What tour? The world tour. Just saying that after being arrested for a DUI. I would just be quiet. Yeah. Let's cancel it immediately. Yeah. I'd be like, well, this isn't going to end. Like, what do you think? The cop is going to be like, oh, my God.
Please drive home so you can go on your world tour. Like what? And he's in that like Peter Pan being hoisted up with his like little his little thing. I got to show you. I'll show you after the show. I've never seen that. I. So I was never an NSYNC person. I was a Backstreet Boy girl. So I never really understood the allure of Justin Timberlake. I find him upsetting to look at. Right.
His voice, he talks. He has such a strange voice. He's very Disney. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Who is your man on, or who is your boy? And the Backstreet Boys? Yeah. I like them all. Even Howie. Howie was my man. Oh, really? Yeah, he was. Howie seems nice. Yeah, I thought he was most attainable. So I thought...
I always went for the attainable ones. That's very funny. Whereas like genuinely, I think if they really got to know me, we could have a thing. Did you ever go to concerts and be like, they're going to see me? Yeah, of course. And they're going to like pull me on stage. I'm going to have a new life. Absolutely.
I still think that as an adult. I think those are all the people that moved to LA. Like, genuinely, I'm going to be pulled up on stage. I'm going to be pulled up on stage. When I went and saw Beyonce, I was like, she's going to see me and she's going to go.
She looks familiar. And then they're going to look at the footage and then she's going to show Rumi and Sir. And they're going to be like, we love Nailed It. And then Beyonce's going to come find me and take me away from this place. That one makes more sense, though, for us to be like. No, it does. She's rewinding footage to find me for herself. Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right. They're rewinding. I was thinking more like a live feed. She comes and finds me.
It's real or believable. Like she's watching game tape of all of her concerts. Yeah, when she's stitching it together for her like Netflix thing, Rumi and Sarah are like, nailed it. Just like, hold on. Get Nicole Byer's people on the phone. We need Nicole Byer to entertain Rumi and sex. That's what I think every time I go to a Beyonce concert.
And I'm going to Cowboy Carter. It wasn't even my favorite album. I don't care. I love Beyonce. I love her. I really feel like you could be pulled up on stage. Please don't feed that. It's a delusion. Okay. let's say we're talking about attainability, you go to like a Backstreet Boys concert, you could be pulled up. I think Kevin, Kevin Richardson is, he's what I, he's who I liked growing up. He's who I like now still. Yeah.
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Maine. That's squarespace.com slash date me with code date me for 10% off. What were we talking about? Oh, attainability. Yeah. Speaking of attainability. Your dad used to steal TVs? Thank you. Yes. Yes. And yeah, he thought those were attainable. And guess what? They were. That made him go to prison. Wait, did he go to prison, prison, or was he just in jail? No, he went to prison. Oh, dang. I'm sorry. Oh, that's okay. For how long? I was a baby, so.
It was. Yeah. For I think it was like a few years, but he had a few stems on and off. And that is love because my mom stayed with him the whole time. Oh, my God. That is devotion. Yes. I. I think it's wild that like stealing evolves. Like if you steal a TV, TVs are like $200 now. I know. You're so right. It was like stealing a car back then. Yes. And they were heavy. Heavy. I mean, he could have broken his back. Yes. He could have hurt himself.
It was him and his brother. He had somebody. Oh, I love that. I know. Siblings. I love when siblings get along. Yeah. That's sweet. It was sweet. Yeah. Him and Paul just out there. Stealing those big, because those TVs, you had to get a mover. Yes. Yeah. Huge. And yeah, but my mom, so my mom, the first time.
The first kid she ever had, my dad was in prison when she had the baby. Oh, no. Yeah. And so she would, yeah, she would go visit him and all that. And I'm always so surprised by the people that stay with me. People in prison. I would immediately. I mean, it's so fast. I would cheat. There's no way I could be devoted to somebody ever. Would you tell them that you cheated? Why? They're not going to find out.
They could if they get out of jail and they move back to your hometown and everybody in your hometown knows that you were cheating. I mean, I guess I thought I was thinking more of prison. Like it's going to be like 20 years. Oh. Yeah. If it's a little bit of jail time, I could work with that. 20 years. I don't think I would cheat. I think I would tell them. I think I'd be like, hey, 20 years is a really long time. I love you. I'd love to stay together. I'd love to see you.
grow and thrive on visitation days, but, like, I need physical release from somebody, so, like, we're gonna have an open relationship. Open relationship in person. Yeah, that's what I think. You just like go to a visitation and be like, so we're in a polycule now. You don't know the other people. Yeah, you don't know them. I'll bring them if you want. And you can meet them one by one. Or can you have like a group session? Yeah. Yeah, have a group session.
Group conjugal visit. Conjugal visits are interesting. I was technically, I mean, they called it that. But it was actually my dad was on work release. Like he did have to go back, but he was on work release. And I'm like, that's not as like I was imagining like, oh, they were in like some cell that like they put walls up on or something for privacy. But it was just work release. Wait, work release is wild. So you're in jail.
And then you leave jail to go to work? I guess. And then come back to jail? I should ask my mom. I don't know how it works, but this is the story of how I was born, allegedly. I don't believe anybody's stories anymore. I wouldn't go back to jail. Oh, of course. I would just leave town. I think, especially back then, I feel like you could have been like, I'm going, like I'm moving to Indiana and nobody would care. Yeah, that's exactly what I would do. I, I just.
Jail's not for me. And I don't see it for me. And I think I would escape. Just like when I watched Traders, I was like, I would win Traders. Whenever I watch things, I'm like, I could do that. Do you think you can do Survivor? Yeah. I know I can't. I can. I could not do the surviving part of it. I could maybe do the manipulation. I think I could do the manipulation. I think I could do the whole, like, not eating and sleeping on the ground.
I think I would like cuddle up to a lot of people and people would find me endearing and they would take care of me. And I think I would like do badly in challenges, but like then do just good enough to like really help them win to be like, yeah, she's not.
She's not strong enough that I want to vote her out because she's not a threat to me. Right. And that is a threat. And that's exactly where you want to be in Survivor. Although I feel like you don't even have to be good at all challenges anymore. No, you have to be good at like...
playing the game, which is just lying to people. Yeah. And that's why Traders was created. They're like, why don't we take this other stuff out? It's great. The first episode, it's like, I think you're a traitor based on what? Yeah. We just met. I don't know anything about you, but I think you're I see it in your eyes. It's wild. It is. They're like, I felt I felt somebody say this when when he went by. And I think that that's why they're the traitor.
Like when he goes by at the beginning, you're like, what? Yeah, what? What does that even mean? And you got to catch up because Tom Sandoval, I don't know him because I'm not, I don't watch the Bravo stuff, but... They cut away to him for reaction shots, and he always never knows what's happening. And it's delightful. Like, his...
his brow is furrowed and he's like looking around and he just, and somebody's just saying hello to him. Like he doesn't know anything that's going on. It's wild and I love it. He was in that like special ops or whatever that I don't, special forces, some reality show where they. Social forces. It's where they trained to be military people and they did a bunch of challenges. Jojo Siwa was in it as well. I watched maybe six episodes.
And I'm like, they really just hop from reality show to reality show. Wait, Mo, we barely talked about dating. And I will say, my fault. Were you ever on dating apps or were you just lucky? I did OkCupid once. Oh, did you go on any dates from OkCupid? I did. So when I came to LA, I kind of dated a lesbian that was like...
I was like, oh, she's hot. She's an artist. And then turns out like a lot of people have dated her. And so it was just like a really harsh way to be thrown into the L.A. dating scene. And then all I remember about OKCupid was one girl was like, I was like, oh, she's really cute. And then apparently she didn't want it. So everybody knows everybody. That's the problem. Even with online dating, especially back then. But it was like.
She had told another lesbian like, oh, yeah, Mo wanted to go out on a date with me, but she's way too tall for me. Oh, no. And I was, yeah, I was just pretty rude. It was rude. How tall are you? 5'10". That's not too tall. That's like Cindy Crawford. Yeah. But I was like, I feel like height doesn't matter in the lesbian world as much. Hmm.
What? Brittany Griner had no problem. She's very tall. Is she dating a very tall lady? No. A very tiny lady? Mm-hmm. Have you seen Denzel Washington's daughter's wife? Oh, yeah. She's so big. She's... I don't think she's that tall, though. I think she's wearing heels. I think she's like 5'10". I mean, that is kind of tall, you don't think?
I mean, it is, but I just thought it was such a funny thing to tell another person. I'm like, okay, there's no privacy on these sides. You're telling another person I'm too tall. It is funny that she decided to tell another person that you were too tall to date. I'm trying to start my comedy career out here. I have these rumors swirling that I'm too tall. That I'm too tall. I'm stomping around just tall. I'm just trying to find love. Is it still very...
You said the L.A. dating scene for lesbians is small. Is it still small? I guess you don't know. You're not in it. I think it is still. Like, I'm still a part of, like, all of these basketball leagues. And, you know, everybody dates each other. They know. Like, I was trying to put a team.
together this last season. And another player was like, Mo, you need to ask me who you're putting on the team first because you asked this person and they were dating this person. They can't be on the same team. So, you know, I do think it's really intertwined, but that's like specific. with like sports and lesbians in LA. That's genuinely very funny. I think I played basketball on that league. Oh my God, I feel like I remember this. We were the traveling pants.
I played for 36 seconds before I had like an asthma attack and coughed for 20 days straight. And Eugene Cordero was the coach, and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, I don't think so. I think I gotta go. Because I hadn't ran in years. I don't run. It is a lot. It's so much running. Yeah, it's a lot of running. And but there was a lot. There was a lot of scissoring going on. There was just there was a lot.
There's a lot going on in those locker rooms. There were no locker rooms. Yeah, I was like, it was a rec center, I think. I didn't see a single locker room. Although, I will say... Hot fantasy, but impracticality, disgusting. Were you going to scissor on the floor? The floor's dirty. I mean, I've definitely had sex. On a floor. First time having sex with somebody. In a public place? Well, the door, it was after hours, but it was at a circus school. Excuse me? That's how I lost my...
My lesbian virginity, I guess I'll call it. At a circus school? My real virginity. My real virginity? Yeah. So you fuck somebody in a circus school? Yeah, after hours. What does after hours mean? Like in a bar or like? No, no, no. Like the school was shut down. I mean, it's an adult school, but it was like it was the circus performance space. And she was an instructor and a performer. And I think that we went there to do that for some reason. I don't know why we were there that late.
But I remember being like, you know when you're like in the moment and you feel like you're in your own movie? And I'm like, I can't believe that this is how I'm doing it. This is how it's happening. How long were you in circus school? I wasn't in circus school. I was just dating a clown. Have you ever had sex with somebody for the first time and it was on the floor? Yes. I highly recommend it. Yes. I hooked up with this man who I think lived in a model apartment. It's the weirdest story.
And we started on his bed, but the bed didn't feel like a real bed for you to sleep in because it felt like a model apartment. He was like, let's get on the floor. And I was like, all right. And that was one of those moments that I was like, I can't believe this is happening at all.
The idea that, like, the floor is going to be a better place to have sex than the bed that's next to you is great. Well, the bed was, like, really creaking. Like, with every movement, it was like... It was, like, not okay. Because I don't think it was meant to be slept in. And there was a dry erase board in his kitchen. Oh, my God. What about an inflatable bed?
I've never had sex on an inflatable bed, but my roommate, when I was in New York, you had to walk through my room to get to her room. It's not a railroad. We just turned... like this weird dining room into my room. But she was fucking somebody on an inflatable bed and it had a hole in it. So all you heard was like, With like sex noises and like movement on this mattress. It was awful. Just like white noise. Yes. And I'm trying to go to sleep and I was like, this sucks.
Oh, this is bad. It was awful. It's so terrible because if you do, if you have to on an inflatable mattress, at some point you will feel like your tailbone on the ground. And you're like, wow. Okay. Yeah. We did some work tonight. It's not good, Mo. No, it's not. We should have talked more about dating. Because we're done. We're done. Wait, where else have you fucked?
Those were very exciting. Oh, like, you know, a bathroom of a comedy venue while the show was going on and I was hosting it. Whoa! Time that wrong. A lot of dead air. Yeah. They're like, where's the host? And I was at the time dressed up as Larry Bird because I do the Larry Bird character sometimes where I dress up like him. So I was straight up hooking up in the bathroom. My 20s, I was really like, I was so fun.
I like it. That's fun. It's like you were in drag. You were hooking up in drag. Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was fun. I haven't done any. I mean, like the thing is, is when you get married, there's really it's just like that is. You really have like one place. It's like interior bedroom. Your own bedroom. I also feel like just kind of when you get older, because I was pretty wild for a minute. And then I was like, I just want to partner. I got to stay inside.
Yeah, I can't keep going outside. It's also like we find our adrenaline. We are comedians. So it's like we get a lot of that adrenaline rush. already. And a lot of that is worn off for me as well. So the adrenaline rush of hooking up with somebody in a public place, it's long gone. No, thank you. Don't need it. I can just do five minutes of stage time and get my ha-has and go home. Yeah. Fireplace door.
Fireplace store. I'm just going to keep naming locations. Oh. A fireplace store? Fireplace store. Yeah. My high school boyfriend, his family owned fireplace stores. And that's where he brought you to have sex with you? That's right. And it worked. Where else? Fireplace wasn't even on. Again, it was after hours. You love sneaking into someplace after hours. Love it. Give me two more locations, please. Okay, let's see. Obviously, dorm room. Definitely done the car. Definitely done, like...
Yeah. Cars are, I've done like a lot of cars. I've done cars too. And there's not enough room. There's not. Yeah, it's very uncomfortable. I don't like it. Again, can't do it now. Like, my neck, I wouldn't be able to, like, move my, like, neck or, like, my back would be, like, out. Just be, like, fucked up and, like, sorry, I had sex in a car. I'm approaching 62 years old. I'm very old.
Wait, give me a wild sexcapade story before we go. Oh. I mean, a lot of it was the clown just because she was a clown, right? Did she ever honk, honk, and then go down on you? Yeah. That's what she said. Honk, honk. That's how he knew she was going. I was like, this is going to be good. This is going to be good. Wait, I feel like you're joking, but I would really like that.
Well, I mean, I've talked about this in my set that she was like, I never had an orgasm before I met the clown. Oh, yes. I think I have heard that. I always have this thing where it's like... So like my life is I met my wife at Lesbo and the first orgasm I ever had was given to me by a clown. And that is the life that I have made for myself. You know, I like it.
I once asked my boyfriend to honk my titties and go, honk, honk. And he just smiled and went, no. So you're like, okay, you just squeeze in, I'll say honk, honk. Oh, that's a good question. Maybe I'll do it. He's like, seems like you have an idea of the read you want on Hong Kong. That's such a good idea. Because maybe he just doesn't want to sound silly. Let me know how it goes. I will. I'm so pleased. Because I love getting my titties honked and hearing honk honk. And I can just do it.
He can honk him and I'll just be like, honk, honk. And then I'll laugh so hard. I mean, it's going to be a lot of, he's going to be like, you promised you're not going to say honk, honk this time. I promise. And then I do it anyway. No, we gotta go. Okay, we gotta go. Would you date me? Of course I would date. Oh, my God. After hearing my story, you don't think I want somebody that wants me?
To say honk honk when they squeeze their boobs? Like, absolutely. I am a catch. Do you have anything you want to promote? Just my watch, you know, my story about my dad and going to see him after not seeing him for 20 years. It's called Dad Jokes. It's on Hulu. It's my special. When did it come out? It's come out a few times, but now it's on Hulu. It came out like a few weeks ago. Actually, it was kind of during the fire, so that's why I wasn't promoting it. Okay, cut this out.
If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty to Why Won't You Date Me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This person writes, I'm gonna put you in a waffle cone for you. I'm going to put you in a waffle cone feet first. Then I'll drizzle you with chocolate fuzz and top you off with whipped cream and a nice cherry on top.
How come there's no ice cream? Maybe some sprinkles if you're feeling extra frisky. Then I'll let you up and down and say, let me some double chocolate sundae. There's no ice cream. Wait. This person just wants to lip, like, whipped cream off of me. Then why am I in the cone? These are your fans. These are my pants. You did this. I did do this. I asked for this. Bye.
You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kanofskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay. Kemp. Our VP of content at HeadGum is Katie Moose. And our theme music is arranged by Mike Comite. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye.
That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hi, I'm Caleb Heron, host of the So True Podcast, now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or...
or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to so true on Spotify, Apple podcasts, pocket casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes. on the So True with Caleb Herron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.