Losing Everything (w/ Tig Notaro)

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. So we make out that the next day... I'm, of course, on cloud nine. She sends me this 50 million page email about how she's straight. She doesn't want to lead me on that. She likes me a lot as a person. And.

that she's not gay, but she'd love to just be friends with me. And I was like, oh boy, of course. And then I just thought, well, I can't push somebody into liking me or, you know, being attracted to me. Even though I was bummed, I just wrote back because I was like, I'll just keep it lighthearted. And I wrote back, OK, Dyke. me. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Her new movie, Come See Me in the Good Light, is out today. It's Tig Notaro! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hello, Tig. I was really taking that in. Yeah. Did you like it? Yeah, I really did. Okay, Tig, can I ask you? Anything. I know. You're married. Yes, I am. And how long have you been married? A decade. Ooh. Going on 13-something. A baker's dozen of years together. That's romantic, and that's sweet. Yeah. How do you keep it fresh after almost 13 years?

I mean, we certainly have gone through slumps and issues and all of that kind of stuff. But I think that and, you know, I always hate to sound cliche. But it really is the most incredible payoff when you have devoted yourself to someone. This sounds unsexy, but it's actually really incredible to devote yourself and love somebody. devote yourself to someone and love them and get through those rough spots. I remember a therapist saying, you know, if you guys make it through this.

period of time that's hard, it could feel like a honeymoon all over again. And I was like, I couldn't imagine in a million years that that could be true. And sure enough, when we got through this one particular hard time, I could not love Stephanie more. And I think that... There's something I used to be very scared by committing to somebody because I thought it meant I was going to lose my freedom and all of those typical things. But.

Kind of similarly to when somebody writes a script and there's like a formula to it, it actually gives you more freedom to go anywhere you want when you follow a formula or structure. And that's how I feel with Stephanie is we have this agreement. We joke with each other where we're like, when does this contract run out? You know, but when you commit to that, I feel like. I can and have gone everywhere. I've gone down roads I've never gone down because all of the other people I dated, I'm like,

Yeah, I know what that's like. I know what it's like to not be in the right relationship. I've never been in this situation I'm in. And so it's the most exciting. And I've done the most with her. And so I don't feel, I think we're also very understanding and we don't hold each other back, you know? So I don't know. I love that. I think that is so. romantic and so nice. I'm a mushy person. I love love. So I'm like tearing up because I genuinely love hearing when people are like,

My love isn't limiting. My love allows me to explore all sorts of avenues and we allow each other to grow. And it sounds like you've changed as people and you've allowed each other to change and you've just... said, I want to do this with this person. I want to figure out how we get through this so we can get back to the good times or get to like even better times. And that's the thing is when people hear that, they think that you're forcing yourself to stay in it and like.

how do I get through this so we can just keep pushing on? But it's not, maybe to some people, that's what they're doing is like, get over that and just hold on tight and we'll just get through this till the kids go to college. And I mean this with all my heart. Stephanie remains, it's hard to say my favorite person alive because we also have kids, but I love Stephanie. She also, I tell her.

One time I said, 99% of the time, I am so in love with you. And that other percent, I want to rip your head off. And she said. Same. But it's true. I just I enjoy her. We have we think similarly but differently enough to where we challenge each other. She's who I go to for advice. She's who. I have a belly laugh with every day. And that's real. I'm not saying that just to say it. But I also want to say there have been rough times.

But there's nobody I'd rather get through rough times with than Stephanie. It's true. I love it. But it's true. And I love that it's true. And I feel like when people finally find their person. It's true of a lot of people. They're like, yeah, we have a lot of weird shit and hard shit we have to go through. But then I feel good going through it with that person. Absolutely. I mean, yeah, one million percent.

I love that. And you guys met doing a movie? We did. We were doing the movie In a World. The actress Lake Bell wrote and directed it. And we kind of... A little bit played love interest. And then, yeah, I just, I... Had no idea. I was working with my wife, my future wife. I just, I had no idea. And then, okay, so who said what to who first? Well, we started texting. I told...

Stephanie, we had run into each other and the movie was going to Sundance and we exchanged numbers and I just gave her a heads up, like kind of don't take offense. I just, I'm not really big with texting. And I said, not that I thought Stephanie was interested in me, but I said, I actually just went out with this girl for a coffee. And she texted me right after saying, That was fun. And then she knew I had a show that night and texted me that night saying, have a great show.

when i was in bed i got a text saying sweet dreams and i was like oh my god and i was like so you know i just a heads up that kind of was a bit much and then that night I got a text from Stephanie late saying sweet dreams. And I was like, oh, my God, this girl is hilarious. And we couldn't stop texting. And then I was thinking, do it.

Am I developing a crush on her through text? And so that happened. And then one night, this is months later, because I was touring a lot. I was home writing my book.

I hadn't showered. I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror similarly to today. And she was at the bar La Pubelle with friends. And I know this sounds... like we were aware but it we really weren't um it was valentine's day and she said i'm with friends if you want to come meet us and we hadn't hung out yet we had only been texting because i was touring and And I was like, I can't go. I haven't showered.

Because I thought I might have a crush on her. And then I was like, oh, she's not into me. So who cares what I look like? So I just threw on this big wool sweater that had like an eagle on the back. And my hair was going every direction. And I walk in. And she was wearing a blue wool sweater with an eagle on the back. And we were like, they were these Canadian wool sweaters. And I was like...

This is insane. I said, let's switch sweaters. And we did. And then, you know, Armin Weissman, he was he was one of the friends at this big table. And he goes, oh, you two get together and I'll take a picture. And we put our arms around each other and just started kissing. We immediately started, and I am not a public PDA person. And so our first kiss was captured. And then... You're killing me! Isn't that crazy? On Valentine's Day, our first kiss is captured.

And so I was like, hey, do you want to go out to my car and make out more? And she was like, sure. She had never made out with a girl before, too. So we make out. Then the next day. I'm, of course, on cloud nine. She sends me this 50 million page email about how she's straight. She doesn't want to lead me on that. She likes me a lot as a person. And.

that she's not gay, but she'd love to just be friends with me. And I was like, oh boy, of course. And then I just thought, well, I can't push somebody into liking me or, you know, being attracted to me. Even though I was bummed, I just wrote back because I was like, I'll just keep it lighthearted. And I wrote back, OK, Dyke.

And then she said lighthearted colors. But yeah, I was like, OK, Dyke. And then she said when she that after that huge email she sent that that was my only response was OK, Dyke. She said she laughed so hard and was like. I like her. And so, yeah. Oh, my God. I fucking love that. That is so sweet. I also really like that Stephanie was like, OK, I have this image of who I thought I was.

But this person really I'm really interested in this person. Yeah. Throw that out the window and say, I don't know. What if I know I feel so lucky it was. And actually, when we had gone out to eat, you know, a couple of. We had started dating and we had gone out to eat in downtown LA and we were sitting there. I don't know, it was a month or two in and she was talking to me. She said, she said, yeah, you know, I was telling whatever her friend or mother like that.

this and that happened. And she was like, you know, and I was telling them I was so surprised that I've fallen in love with a woman. And I was sitting there going, Oh, my God, she's in love, I think. Because we hadn't said that yet. And so I was trying to play it cool, and I was like, right, uh-huh. And in my head, I was like doing cartwheels. And then...

I was I was just stunned, you know, and then we finished dinner. We go back to my I had a loft downtown at the time. We go back to my loft and we're sitting there talking. And and I just said, oh, and I love you, too. And she goes, oh my gosh, you caught that? And I said, of course I did. I couldn't think about anything else in the world when you said that.

I'm dying. This is so fucking sweet. Oh, thanks. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. What a lovely start to a beautiful relationship. And you keep saying, you're like, I know it sounds corny, but it's like, no. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Truly is like a romance out of a movie. It feels that way. And then, you know, sometimes people will get irritated and be like, oh, nobody's life is perfect. Nobody's relation. And I'm like, I'm not saying my life is perfect. I can pull up a list of things.

that are so imperfect about my life. But my story of getting together with Stephanie is so fun for me to tell, and it's true and real. where we are now is true and real. So, yeah.

I love that. And then when did you decide to have kids? Were you like, let's do it. Or was anyone apprehensive? And also, if that's too personal, you don't got to answer. No, I always wanted kids, but because I. I think I just always imagined myself alone or I called it a... lazy susan of love just like spinning that dish like who's next what are we doing i just didn't have faith that i would find somebody or that i would be

That I was capable of anything like that. And I kind of don't think I would be if it wasn't specifically Stephanie. Not because I'm like cheating or anything like that. It's just I. I just never really aligned with somebody so well. I was very sick when Stephanie and I met. In 2012, the movie we were working on, in a four-month period of time, I... I had pneumonia. I had contracted this intestinal disease called C. diff that was very deadly.

diagnosed with invasive cancer. My girlfriend and I split up. And then my mother tripped and hit her head and died. And so I was in a really... not great space. Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, it was a very tough time. And I just... I started when I came through my treatment and surgery and I thought, well, I'm just going to get the ball rolling on my own. And so I was trying to get pregnant and then. Stephanie and I started dating and I...

Didn't tell her I was trying to get pregnant because I was like, oh, my God, I'm 15 years older than her. I am gay. And I'm trying my last ditch effort to get pregnant. I felt so unsexy. And I just. Thought I was going to scare her off. And so I was like pulling into like alleys and like injecting my stomach and wherever thighs. I don't even remember. It's been so long. But finally, I told her.

Because in my mind, I thought, I'll just try and get, I was going to have a surrogate. And I was like, I'll just try and get that going. I'll get that process going and then somebody else can carry the baby and then that will send us far enough down the road that... We can be either in or out in our relationship. You know, this is what I'm thinking. And then somehow I tell her she figures it out. And she was like, I.

I want to be going to those appointments with you. I want to be a part of this. And I was like, what? It never crossed my mind that she would want to be a part of that. And then she said, I've always wanted kids. She said, but she said, I actually want five kids. And I was like, five kids. I'd only thought of one, but because I... felt I had found such a great partner. I was like, well, I'm open to doing that. I'd have five kids with you. And then once we had twins, we were both like,

We're good. We're good. Shut that down. We don't need three more. Yeah. Yeah. During the pandemic, we started kind of toying with the idea. But then Stephanie, she would go. you know what, that does mean we'd have to get strollers and go through diapers and cleaning bottles and up all night again. I'd be like, right. Let's not do that. Let's get another cat. It's really interesting that, wait, how many cats do you have? We have three.

Okay. That's five. I know. Five people and animals to take care of. Yeah. But it is interesting that you were in this relationship, but you had started this thing before and you were like, well. I walk alone with this as opposed to being like, hey, partner, is this something you would like to do with me? Yeah. Was it a fear of like her saying no? One million percent. I thought she was going to be like, oh, I'm.

I'm just dating, and I want to... And that was what was nice, was when she came over to tell me, because I was in Montreal doing a show, and... We hadn't confirmed anything. This was after the kiss and after OK Dyke and all of that. It was still, you know, there's nothing. We weren't together after OK Dyke, as romantic as it is. But so I was in Montreal. And even though she's...

said to herself, I really like her. She didn't say, I want to be with you or anything. And so I just went about my life and I'm doing a show in Montreal and I get a message from her saying, I'd like to see you when you get home. And I was saying to my friend, I was like, why does she want to see me? And he was like, she likes you. And I was like, well, no, because she said that she...

And he was like, so what you think she wants to see you to be like, just to confirm, I don't want to be with you. And I was like, I don't know, maybe. And so I get home. She comes over to my loft and and she's so.

I don't know how well you know Stephanie, but she's very comfortable with herself. And she sat down next to me on the couch and she just said, I want to be with you. And she said, I don't. I'm not saying I want to try this out. I'm saying I want to be with you. And I was like, so floored. Because again, she's 15 years younger than me.

I still don't have that confidence. You know, I would kind of squirm around and be like, so I was thinking, you know, maybe we could date for a little bit. There's a weird voice that's going to help me get through. the awkwardness uh what do you think uh but she's just like i want to be with you and um so I don't know what I was talking about at this point. I just really went off on whatever. But kids were being worried that she wasn't going to be on board with...

Yeah, I think that was ultimately my fear was even though we got together, I had that secret where I was like, I'm trying to have a child and I'm like injecting myself and I'm. on an emotional roller coaster. And I was also just newly out of the woods with my health. And I just I felt like a scary old monster. You know what I mean? And she. Yeah. And you're like, who can love me? Yeah. Yeah. But she did, and she has. So that was my fear. But I'm glad that, like...

I'm glad that she knew what was going on and was able to be like, hey, I want to be a part of this. And then it kind of like alleviates your fear. And you're like, oh, I do have like a partner who really wants to do this with me. Yeah. And she had no. hesitation which was also it was just jarring i i have never still to this day i don't think i've met somebody so comfortable in their skin

That's nice. It's really attractive. I think I'm comfortable in my skin. I am comfortable in my skin, but not with other people. I tend to like... default to people pleasing and being like, what do you want? What do you like? I can I can mold myself to be like you. Yeah, I remember when we I was so confused.

Because I really couldn't figure out what is it? I mean, obviously, I think she's very attractive, but it's like I've dated attractive people. I've dated successful and funny and all of those things. But what? Why her? That I really felt something different. And I remember lounging around while she was getting ready one day and I said, I can't.

figure out I was talking to her about I was like I don't I can't figure out what it is about you that is that has done this to me and she was like yeah I don't I don't know and and then You know how you might have those thoughts, but how rare is it that you kind of have the epiphany a moment after? And I said, oh, my God, I actually think I know. what it is and she said what and I said I have never heard you say a single negative thing about yourself and she said

Yeah, I never would. And she said, that's not to say I don't have plenty of things to work on. She said, but I would never speak poorly about myself. And I was like, oh my God, I am so attracted to that. I love that. Me too. And I love that you were able, I mean, you don't have to figure out why you love somebody, but like that is such a nice, clear, poignant thing that it's like, do you think you borrow a little bit of that from her?

Well, it made me very aware of it because she told me she felt like I don't talk poorly about myself. And I would say I do more than like. I really don't know if I've heard her say anything bad about herself, but I'm not terribly hard on myself. In ways, I am. Like with parenting, I'm very hard on myself. And it has surprised me. But a lot of things, I just, I'm just not terribly hard on myself.

But I will make jokes, but not—I think I'm somewhere in between. But it's given me more awareness about— what I say about myself and I try to lean in the direction of not

saying negative things about myself. That's the thing that I've been working on because sometimes I'll say things in my head and I'm like, oh God, Nicole, that was so mean. Don't say that about yourself. And I was cooking with, or I brought over ingredients for my boyfriend to cook because I don't cook. And I was like, I can help, but I'm going to be bad at it. And he was like, hey.

don't do that yeah and i was like but i'm not good at like cutting things i i rush through things and he's like and that's fine yeah he's like you can rush through it all you want and then i'll just cut it a little finer. He's like, just don't say you're bad at something.

before you've even begun. I was like, oh, I'm just setting the bar low. He's like, you don't have to. He's like, it's not Top Chef. You don't have to be like incredible at this. You can just help me or I'm happy to just do it. And then you can just eat and have a nice time. And I was like, huh. How long have you been with your boyfriend? It's been, I think it's been a year and a half. Amazing. It's nice. Yeah. He's really nice. And how did you meet him? I met him on an app on Hinge. Great.

But we have a bunch of mutual friends in common. So it was nice because it felt like he was almost vetted before we got more serious. And everyone's like, oh, he's so nice, da-da-da. And... Honestly, they're right. He's so nice and so kind. This is a dumb little thing, but I had a hole in the back of my stocking. And I was like, oh, no, I think you can see my butt. And he was like, take my sweater.

Take it right now. And I was like, no, I think it's OK. Can you just look? He's like, I don't have to look. Just take it. I was like, well, just look first. He's like, I don't see your butt. I was like, OK, I don't need your sweater. But he was so insistent on it. And we were on the phone yesterday and I was like, I just wanted to say.

that that was really nice, and I really appreciate that you were so eager and wanted to protect my butt. He was like, well, I don't want everyone to see your butt. He's got your back. He literally has my back. Yeah. And your front. And my pussy and my crack. Well, that's all we have for today. Goodbye. But I never dated anybody who.

would like leap to doing something so nice and so kind for me. I've only really dated people who didn't like me. Is that true? I said that a lot on this podcast. Yes. Yeah. I'm a chronically late person. It is a problem. I do respect people's time, but... When it's time to leave, I'll find things to do like...

cleaning out the refrigerator or vacuuming or... Aren't you ADHD? Yeah, I remember that because we did that documentary together. Yes, yes, yes. Where we got to talk about all our dang problems. That was an interesting process. Only some of our dang problems. Yes, only some. Just a snippet. Yes, yes. They said, we're going to pinpoint this. We're going to talk about your dead parents, Nicole. And I said, okay, we could do that. But yeah, I have ADHD. And he...

Has just adjusted in a really nice way. So like if we're supposed to meet to go somewhere. An hour before, he'll go, is that time still good? And then I'll say yes or no. And then when he is leaving his home, he'll text me and go, I'm leaving now. Because I'm like, oh, OK, that means I have to leave within the next five minutes because I said I was going to be there at a certain time.

And he's never mad when I'm late. And it's a very small thing, but it's very nice. No, it's huge. It's really huge. Absolutely. Meeting people where they are. Yeah. Especially like if when something isn't just when that resentment isn't built up and because it can with those kind of things. And yes. Yeah. And we do talk about it. Not often, but every now and again, I'll check in and be like, is my lateness annoying? Are you annoyed that I was late to this? And he's like, nope. He says.

He's always like, you're on time for things that matter. Even though I've missed a lot of flights. We've never missed a flight. Tig, real quick, we gotta take a break. Oh. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the days get shorter and the sun starts setting at like 4 p.m., things can start to feel just like a little heavier. That's why this time of the year, it's nice to reach out and check in with people, even just a quick text or a call to a...

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And we're back. I did want to talk to you about you have a joke about after your mom died, the hospital sent you a like, how did we do? Yeah, brochure, like a questionnaire. That is so. deeply upsetting and simultaneously so fucking funny. How did we do? Well, she didn't leave. Yeah, she's dead. So funny. Both my parents are dead, and they send mail to my grandpa's house for my parents, and it's... So strange. And we got like a life insurance thing sent. It was like, does...

my dad's name, does he want life insurance? And we were all like, ha ha ha, no. He doesn't have a life to insure. He real did. But I feel like when sad things happen, funny things also tend to happen. Yeah. Yeah. And you just got to like kind of just laugh and move on. Listen, I was so neck deep in.

devastation when my mother died and and as I mentioned I was very sick at the time and when that questionnaire came in the mail I was so livid and i wanted to make it my focus in life to find who sent this how have they not fixed this glitch in the hospital and um I mean, I was so upset. And then one day, I was doing something at the house, and I just started laughing at... How was your visit? How'd your visit go? One to five? You know, did the...

Did the nurses and doctors treat you with respect? It's like my mother was in a coma. She didn't know what was happening. She didn't know. And it was to her. It wasn't to her family. Nope. It was to my mother. And I, you know, it went from this internal rage that I'm like, how dare you? You know, but yeah, it was a massive release. Those kind of moments that crack you open and just that kind of laugh is...

There is nothing better. There truly is nothing like it. It's very cathartic. I've told this story before, but when my dad passed away, the way you get ashes is the wildest. They just send it to you like. like an amazon purchase and then you open it and you're like oh that's not a bag that's that's a bag of a person that's my dad and then you got to like cut them open and then put them into transfer them into something else and

We didn't want to keep him in an urn, so we took him to the beach where he used to ride his bike. And me, my grandmother, and my sister were all... Not arguing, but we were trying to figure out who was going to spread them. And I was like, I'll just do it. And we put him in Tupperware. And I opened the lid and shook him out. And then the wind came. And I was like, ah! And then... There was ashes in my mouth, and I've never heard my grandmother laugh harder.

Never in my whole life. And I was like, that was deeply upsetting for me. But it is a very fun, funny memory that sometimes my sister will bring up. Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's nearly impossible to get through funerals and deaths without awkward... funny, maybe not laughing now, but maybe laughing later kind of stuff. My stepfather, when he was... being buried at his funeral, my brother fell in the grave. Yes, which is deeply funny.

At the time when it happened, was it funny? It was. No one. Well, what happened was they had a green tarp over the hole, but they forgot to put plywood over it. And my brother was going up to speak. and, you know, in a suit and our whole family, everybody's sitting there. And there's no planet that you're expecting somebody to... I mean, like it was like a trap door. My brother like went down and my whole family was like, oh, it was so confusing.

And then it was like Night of the Living Dead while he was like pulling himself out of the... And like kind of the, you know, he's a... Man, he's like, I'm fine. I'm all right. He's pulling him. He didn't want anyone to help him. But you're like, are you sure? Are you sure you're actually crawling out of a grave right now? Right. And so he got up and yeah, we laughed.

laughed right after, but he was like dusting himself off. And Stephanie said that her favorite part of that day was like, you know, my brother being like, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then we're staying at our. Cousin Jimmy's house in Mississippi and at the end of the night might you hear my brother say

Hey, Jimmy, do you have any Advil? You know, because I'm certain this entire... That is so deeply funny. Yeah. To watch someone truly just, like, fall out of life into a hole. Into a grave. a grave than have them be like, oh, no, I'm fine. And then a couple hours later. Hey, can I get some Advil? I'm just feeling a little stiff. A little achy, a little achy breaky over here. And the relationship my brother had with my stepfather, it's like...

How did he miss my brother falling in his grave? It would have been the biggest punchline of all time. My stepfather would have... Loved it. I feel like moments like that, when things like that happen... When someone's passed away and you know that that person would have loved it, I feel like it's them kind of being there. Yeah. And a little bit of, you know, maybe so. It's like one last ha ha ha. Yeah. Yes. My friend.

Kenny passed away and when he was in a coma, so many funny things happened. The doctor was telling us his prognosis and his dad hadn't put his phone on silent. And his text tone was just a clown honk. So as the doctor is saying this like awful, grim, sad thing, and we're all so sad. Yup. every couple of seconds. And I was like, you're not going to... And that's his dad, so you don't want to be like, hey, can you turn that off? And then in...

My friend Kenny's last moments, nurses were changing shifts and people were saying really lovely things. And I was standing by the door and I heard a nurse be like, and I told him he can't come back home. You cheat one time. And then another nurse was like, Stop.

And I was like, should I join and tell her she has to move? But are you going to get back together with the man after he cheated? It was just so funny. And it felt like Kenny was there being like, come on. It's sad, but you can still laugh about it. Truly honk and a honk. It was just so funny. When I'm dying, I really want, I hope I have a moment that I can... You know with loved ones by my side turn and be like

Knock, knock. You know, whenever you read an obituary that they had their sense of humor until the end. Yeah, I want to do a knock, knock joke. Still doing knock, knock jokes. Never did one on stage. on the death bed. Or that the joke is terrible and they're like, actually, she did lose her sense of humor in the end. Because the whole, like, she had her sense of humor to the end. Not tick. She got less funny. Yeah, she lost it.

It wasn't there. Really unfunny. Real quick, we have to take another break. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. So if you've been talking about building a website for your business or your side hustle, or just because you're tired of sending people to your Instagram bio, Squarespace.

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Been waiting for a sign. This is it. You've got this and Chamberlain's got you. Learn more at chamberlain.edu. Chamberlain University. Belong to something greater. Certified to operate by Chev. And we're back. I think you're so funny, but I also really like that sometimes your jokes really come from the truth. Like I opened for you at Largo and you open the show backstage. It's just so funny to do. Just sitting with a microphone. And I can't remember what you said, but the audience...

Or I think it was just like, and here's Dignadaro. And he went, hi. And everyone went, ha, ha, ha. And he went, I didn't say anything funny yet. And that just made me laugh really hard because I was like. The way you said hello was kind of funny, but also it wasn't a joke yet. I just really liked that. I didn't say anything funny yet. It really got me good. This will be easy from here. You just need a greeting.

So when you tour, was that hard to be in a relationship and tour a lot? Or was Stephanie, like, super accommodating and was like, oh, I get it, you'll just be gone sometimes? Yeah, she... very accommodating you know I think we understand each other's lives and I mean she's a writer actor director improvisational

She does improv, I guess is what I'm trying to say. That's clearly not my world. But that's what's been funny or great also about being with her is she opened... my world up to all of the sketch and improv people that I was completely unaware of like it just sometimes outsiders think stand-ups improv sketch that they're all just hanging out together and it's

There is some overlap, but it is not. It's not a huge overlap. No, not at all. And so I was like, oh, my God, these people are hilarious. This is incredible. And but yeah, like even now she's even though I'm the one that. normally is traveling, she's filming a movie with Angelina Jolie. She's in London for two months. That's fun. It's really fun. Are you going to go visit? We already did.

I took Max and Finn, and we went over there for, I think it was like 10 days, and Stephanie's mother flew out to meet up with us. That's fun. I like that. Yeah, it was really nice. Did you meet Angelina Jolie? I did not. Yeah. We went when Stephanie had a stretch of time where she was she wrapped up. She had her 40th birthday and spent her 40th birthday. looking at Angelina Jolie sing happy birthday to her.

That's so fucking wild. What a dream. She was like, this is like, what is life? We're Angelina and had a present for Stephanie. Stephanie was like and it was like the second day of her job. But. So anyway, we showed up. We got a hotel separate from Stephanie so I could get the kids and myself acclimated and not disturb her while she's... That's incredibly thoughtful. Well, I mean... It's hard to acclimate. And I had two nine-year-olds with me, but they were...

I can't even tell you. And I kept telling, I was like, you cannot sleep. We got to keep an eye on each other. And they took it so seriously. And by day two, they were all set. And we met up with Stephanie for dinner on her 40th birthday after she wrapped. And then she had the weekend off. And then it was a long weekend. And then the extra days that we were there.

She had night shoots, and so she spent the majority of the day with us and then went to work at night. So we actually set it up where we wouldn't be interfering with work at all. It's very thoughtful and very nice and very kind. Because I feel like sometimes you'll hear stories about partners coming while you're working and kind of... like being upset that the focus isn't on them or it's like, you've never heard stories like that? No. Oh.

So all your friends are in good relationships. I'm not talking about like the good things. Sometimes like bad relations. Like I have friends who like will go on tour. A partner will come and they're like, oh, they didn't understand that I was tired during the day and that I actually work at night. And interesting. Well, I mean, look, it was me and Stephanie making that plan. She was the one that didn't think we needed to get a hotel because she was like, just.

you know, come to the hotel or just like you can sleep on the plane and then just arrive. And I was like, I think we need a couple of days just to make sure there's a huge time difference. It is so it's it's. It's no joke. It's no joke. And I just didn't want Max and Finn's time wasted with Stephanie or their time in England. Stephanie's mother's... Stephanie's grandmother is from England.

And so it was her mother, Stephanie's mother's big dream to be in England with Stephanie and the boys. And so we made that happen. And so I just wanted to make sure everybody was rested and able to spend time together.

I think it's very, very thoughtful. Well, I'm 54. You know, I'm not like 20 needing all the attention, you know. Fair. Yeah. 54. You don't look 54, but also. What does age look like? Do I look 55? I would say you look 42. I was saying how, you know, being on TV and film sets with people that... And I have no judgment about any work people are going to do to their bodies in whatever way. That's your thing.

It's easy to be sitting there with actors and go, God, what have they done? Why do they look different? And you're examining people. And there's always that angle discussed. I was on a shoot and I caught myself and I started laughing and I thought. This goes both ways. I bet those actors are looking at me going, doesn't she know she can like whiten her teeth? Doesn't she know she doesn't have blueberry? She doesn't need to have blueberry stained teeth. And doesn't she know about.

Botox or dyeing her hair. And it made me laugh so hard because I'm certain they're looking at me thinking, what the, why isn't she doing? That's very funny. And I never thought of it that way where it's like. Nor had I, that's why it made me laugh. So I was like. look at me staring at them going, what have they had done? And they're looking at, why hasn't she had done? Why hasn't she had it done? Yeah. So that, yeah, yeah. I'm 54. It's true.

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and be like, what can I do to my face? And then I go, nothing. I like it. It's fine. I'm aging. That's OK. Yeah, it's a real. I don't mean to sound corny, but it is a privilege, especially having been sick myself. The movie of mine that's coming out that I produced about my friend Andrea Gibson. Man, Andrea wanted... To live to be 50. That was the big dream when Andrea was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. And what Andrea would give to have...

The opportunity to still be here. I think. that's a nicer way to look at aging that it's like it's kind of a privilege to have wrinkles it's a privilege to have laugh lines it means you lived a fucking life yeah like you you got to get to that age yeah because i'm sure like both my parents are dead

sure they would have loved to have reached. I think they would have been like my mom would have been 70 something this year. I'm sure she would have loved to have been 70 something. Of course. You know. Of course she would have.

But also, maybe she wouldn't have. And maybe it's good she's dead. Just kidding. And we're back. Just to pivot back to dating. Do you have any dating advice for single people? I mean, I think it's just kind of. anything else in life of not pushing too hard but also what I've never been able to put into practice but that I think is a good

piece of advice is what I do hear people say is like, gosh, I've been kicking around here. I've I've been in this town for 20 years. I've met everybody. I you know, there's no well, I guess now there's apps. So it kind of. You know, I feel like I really missed that window. You're very lucky.

I guess. I feel like it's this. Is it any better to go into a bar and pick out some stinking drunk that you're like, maybe when they're sober, this will be a normal person. You know what I mean? I just don't I don't have any judgment about. apps or however you find your person, that's awesome. But where my mind goes to, if I were single, I think I would love to create a whole new path in the same town that I've had all of my patterns of where I go and the places I go to regularly.

I would want to create a whole new path. Like I'm going to find a new coffee shop. I'm going to find a new grocery store. I'm going to go to a new, I'm going to be a regular at this bar or whatever it is that you do. And then just become a new regular somewhere else. I think that's good advice. Oh, good. Well, that's what I fantasize about is if Stephanie ever kicks me to the curb, I'm going to go.

sit in a new coffee shop. I'm going to go sit in a new restaurant or bar or whatever. Yeah, I think that's good advice because you're essentially being like, switch up patterns. for sure make life new and exciting again and then hopefully you'll attract somebody new and exciting well especially in a city as big as los angeles you really haven't met everybody you know and here's a weird thing i do when i go on tours i stephanie used to laugh at me um

Because she's always like, you do know you're like a public figure, right? And I'm like, I guess. I take those hop on, hop off bus tours. Oh. And I find them so relaxing. And if I'm just in Dublin or Rome or some Chicago, for a very short time, I find it really... interesting to hear the history and get kind of oriented. And then...

And then you can see over the two or three hours at the hop on hop off bus, you go, oh, I want to go actually visit that part of town or this monument or whatever. And then Stephanie started doing it with me. And it reminds me of that. of like, you think you've been to Chicago, you think you've been to New York, but there's little pockets you just actually haven't seen. And it kind of... I love that. That's so cute.

But now our family, when we go to cities together, we do the hop on hop off. We did it in London when we were just there. I like that. It is so. Because I feel like people think it might be corny. Yeah. But you are absolutely right because you will see shit that you never thought.

you would see and you're in a double-decker bus that has no ceiling and you're just like you can put the headphones in hear the history or you can take them out put your own headphones in or have no headphones and just look at the city and it is my favorite thing to do. And now I'm going to do that. You really should. I've never done one. I had never done it until I went to Dublin and I was like, that was fun. And then now.

Try to stop me. I mean, seriously, try to get in my way of a hop on hop off bus. OK. But it reminds me of that, of creating your new path in the city or town you've already been going around. Yeah, same. Hop on, hop off. Do you do therapy? I do. Why? Do you? You seem very well adjusted.

Do I? Yeah. And I feel like you have good advice. Oh, I think you just have a lovely outlook on life. Can I ask having twins? We do have to wrap it up. But having twins, have they ever like? ganged up on you because there's two of them well uh i would say the best the version of that is a little surprising but

They're so close and they certainly have their moments where they, you know, they'll bop each other on the head or they'll, you know, harass each other. But in general, they are buddies and they. get along beautifully but since they were old enough to get you know reprimanded for something which is around two i guess um Let's say one of them bops the other in the head and then I would put the head bopper in a timeout. The one who got the head bopped is like, no.

No, that is my brother. And I'm like, buddy, I'm on your side. Yeah, I'm trying to help you. And to this day, they... They are not OK with it. They are. And it's not like there's huge, huge situations at the house. But if if one of them has to sit out or can't do something or. Whatever. They try and, I don't know if it's codependency, but they're like, they've really got each other's backs. Are they in the same class or separate classes? They're in separate classes.

And after sixth grade, we're even open to them going to separate schools, depending on, you know, because they have similar interests, but they also have very specifically different interests. And so we're open to them checking. out other worlds for themselves wow they seem like they're having a nice time i think they are i think they're pretty darn lucky um yeah

Yeah. I feel like people are going to listen to this episode and be deeply jealous of your life. It seems so nice. Listen again. I've had my challenges. I am in therapy, but also it's a long road. I don't think I was mindful or present in any real way. before 2012. And when I got sick and I lost everything, I made very conscious decisions to shift every.

Element of my life and I'm still working on it, but I'm I'm happy. I want to maintain what I have. I don't need to own hollywood i don't need to be the biggest and greatest or richest or most powerful i just really appreciate my life and i want to keep it as it is i like that it's true Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. And if I can really encourage people to check out, come see me in the good light on.

november 14th which is today uh on apple tv it is so it yes it's sad but it's also so funny and every person i've ever seen walk out of a screening is like What have I been doing with my life? And I have to make some serious changes. And it's so life affirming. It's really, really beautiful. It won Sundance. Congratulations. Out of scripted, out of documentary. That's incredible. It's really, really beautiful. Wow.

Yeah, that's a good endorsement. I will check it out because I do have Apple TV Plus. And it also got into the festival unanimously. Wait, really? Yes. That's fucking cool. It's insane. I've been to. That's wild. It is. very wild my friend i have been to sundance for five different projects never have i been told

It was unanimous that this film got in. What does that mean for those uninformed for film festivals? For unanimous? Yeah, there's a jury. Oh, there is a jury that decides yes, no, yes, no. And the entire jury... Yeah, it's like unheard of. It is really fucking. And it's unheard of that a documentary. This is a non-binary poet in with stage four cancer in the mountains in Colorado.

and an old friend of 25 years. This is not like a sparkly Hollywood project. And when I went to the filmmakers and I said, This is my pitch. They said, we cannot take this to a streamer. We can't take it to a studio or network because nobody's going to fund this. So we raised the money independently. We made the film.

And we put it out there, and man, we're just blown away the response it's gotten. And it's the thing I'm honestly most proud of in my entire career. So please check it out. Check it out! It's on Apple TV. Come see me in the good light. Yeah, I'm excited to watch it. I have a question, though. Would you date me? Absolutely. If Stephanie kicks me to the curb.

Fair. Yeah. Fair. I'll wait. I told you I'm not going to cheat. Would you date me? Yes. Okay. I think you're very fun and I think you're very calming. Oh, well, thank you. I think you're a good time. It's a nice grounding energy.

Some call it boring. No. No, I don't think people understand what boring actually is. And to understand, I think you need to go to a restaurant and listen to couples. Because sometimes I listen to couples and I'm like, whoa, you have nothing to talk about. And I don't think you even like each other or even friends. Yeah. If you hear a friend group and you're like.

How are you not getting up and walking out immediately? I've wanted to do a podcast where I interview boring people because I find it so fascinating. The stuff where when I'm eavesdropping on a boring conversation, I'm like, what on earth made you talk about that for so long? And so I'd want to sit down. I want to put out a.

An open call to people. Are you boring? Do you have a boring friend? Would they agree to come on this show? Because I want to get to the bottom of what the hell are you talking about? I would love for you to do that because yesterday I was getting my nails done and this woman talked about shoes and how she found shoes that molded to her foot. for a solid 30 minutes. And I found it to be deeply upsetting. And then the timber in her voice was also upsetting because it was like this.

And she said, I found this shoe. And the shoe really molded to my foot. And her friend was going, mm-hmm. Do go on. Yeah. She just kept saying, mm-hmm. And it was really upsetting. And they were sitting next to me so I couldn't turn to be like, do you like this? Can you hear yourself? Are you listening? Yeah. It was upsetting. Well, that's my next podcast. I can't wait to listen. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you very much for being here. Do you have any tour dates at all? In the new year, I will. But I'm working out new material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter in L.A. And then when I'm filming, I'm on this new Star Trek series called Starfleet Academy. Holly Hunter. Yes. And my friend Tani Newsome wrote for it. Yes. Yeah. She's great. And Paul Giamatti is the bad guy. Oh, that's fun. But when I'm up in Toronto filming, I usually work out new material at Comedy Bar.

Nice. But go to Tignotaro.com. So. Perfect. If you like this episode of Why Won't You... Oh, my God. It's as if I've never done a pod... If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. And if you write to Why Won't You Date Me Podcast at...

and you write me something nasty hitting on me, I'll read it. This person writes, you're in Jamaica, poolside, sipping on a piña colada. Then you realize the straw isn't a straw. It's my actual dick. You're deep throating my colada dick. like it's a BOGO happy hour at Sandals. A nut so hard, a tsunami ensues. The swim-up bar becomes a splash zone and the pool overflows with my colada. People run for safety, but ladies and gentlemen,

This is an old-fashioned tragedy. CNN reports 16 are still missing in the Jamaican Kalodocus catastrophe. This is from Alex. Alex, that was fun and nasty. Thank you. Bye-bye! You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf.

Our VP of content at HeadGum is Katie Moose. And our theme music is arranged by Mike Comite. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye-bye. What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it.

Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about... So many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo. We're just two BFFs.

Having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes. drop every single Tuesday.