Hello and welcome to Who Are You? This is a podcast where three internet strangers, now friends, review Crusade?
I'm Jafar
I'm Laura.
And I am Ben.
I'm so used to Ben being second. I forgot to do the thing.
I, I'm literally coming from a last time on recording session right before this and it was so awkward to do the intro and just like, wait a second for Ben to not say his name.
Because I wasn't there.
Yeah. RSVP Ben.
But yeah, Crusade. We're here to talk about needs of earth. But before we do that. Ben, we do have a question for you.
Yes, you do.
Where are you going?
I'm going to tell you guys right now. It is really, really hard for me, being who I am, to not start singing by my side from Godspell. Where
you should just do that.
Where are you going? Won't you take me with you for? My hand is called and needs warmth. Where are you
no, no, that's, we're, Ben, Ben, you got the point across.
I, I'm gonna sing the whole song. J Fair
And we'll put it after the credits.
Commitment to the bit? No. So, I, I wish uh, you guys had had me on. for the long road, because I would have had a much more interesting answer.
Well, give us that answer, because you're coming to STLV with us. In the episodes that haven't aired that you haven't been able to listen to, we've been talking about it. Everyone's sick of us talking about it. So, instead of telling us where you're going, why don't you tell us where you just came from?
So, I was fortunate. My parents, my dad especially, has dreamed of going on a family trip to Ireland. And so, my wife, my son, my father, and my mother, we all went on a 12 day cruise around the British Isles. which was a lot of fun. Uh, Yeah, one stop in France. We didn't actually get off the
don't think the British want to acknowledge that though,
Heheheheh.
Nice.
Sorry, which king do we start the, the lineage of English kings from? William? William the Conqueror? What did he conquer? Where did he come from? France.
Heheheheh.
What, what people ruled England? The Anglo Saxons, of course. The Angles? The Saxons? Who did they conquer? And where did they come from? France and Denmark.
Yeah, yeah. So it was really self loathing the whole time.
it's the uh, I always forget this term, the narcissism of small differences.
Mm.
Yes uh, but didn't actually get off the boat in France because, and I didn't know it at the time, I was coming down with something. And that was COVID. Caught COVID on the cruise ship. That is not surprising for all of the coughing and people in their 60s who never learned how to vampire cough. Just walking around coughing on everything. I've
heard it called vampire cough, but Ben's like illustration of coughing into his elbow, like he is a vampire pulling a cape uh, really sold it for me. So if you didn't know that term, now you do.
hide my germs in the crook of my elbow. Yeah, so, uh, got to go to Ireland, got to go to Scotland, my wife and I may have already done a lot of looking into what it takes to emigrate
Yeah, and he's not the only one, so, we'll see, we'll see, I don't know, the, the, Europe's looking pretty nice right about now.
I'm, I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty good all things considered today but, uh, that's just me anywho, yeah, so we just did that big, uh, trip, You know, some people love cruises. my problem is they're kind of like an undersized sampler platter. Like when you get the appetizer plate and it's got one onion ring and you're like, this isn't enough. I know I didn't want a whole bowl of onion rings or a basket of onion rings, but I wanted at least three.
You gave me one and one buffalo wing and one mozzarella stick because you are in each city for just a few hours. And so, like, we were in Edinburgh, had tickets to go see Edinburgh Castle, which is gorgeous. It's amazing. It is up on this beautiful hill. My wife was sick with COVID and could not make the way up. Uh, We didn't know it at the time. And my son was, you know, he's five. And so he's like, my little legs are tired and I don't want to go up there.
And I'm like, I've got about four hours left in Edinburgh. I want to get up to the top of this hill, and so I pick my 75 pound son up, put him on my shoulders, and I empower walking up to this castle, which is up. It is up on a bluff, on a cliff
On Royal Mile, which is aptly named.
Uh, And so, I was I was tired, but uh, it's the sort of thing where it's like, you can't just say, I'll check it out tomorrow.
Um, and so, I got to go to a lot of really, really cool places, but I also, like, didn't get to, like, do what I like to do, which is, like, you know, taking an ice core of, of each place I go to, where I'm like, I'm drilling as deep as this will go, and I'm going to, like, fifth and sixth museum in this place, because that's where you get the weird stuff where it's just like, and here's some funny story about some doctor from 19 oh, six. And I'm like, awesome.
Tell me about the guy who invented the, you know, how to Lance a boil or whatever it is, you know, uh, let me, let me dig in deep.
You gotta learn where the spittin stone is so that you can spit on it.
Uh, While we were in Orkney We were supposed to go, there is a thing called the Ring of Brogdar, which is sort of like, uh, Stonehenge, it's 5, 000 years old, standing stones. Our tour got cancelled so we weren't able to do that. And so we just ended up wandering around the city. This this town in, in on the Orkney Islands. And I had, you know, a ton of fun doing that. Oh, hey, I got to, you know, visit some old destroyed palaces, one of which belonged to Patrick Stewart.
Not that Patrick Stewart. Um, And got to find just by going through St. Magnus Cathedral, I find the gravestone of the guy who found the Franklin Expedition. You know, which is cool for me as somebody who, like, loves Northwest Passage stuff. Which I wouldn't have seen if I just went on the, the tour. And so, I like going to a place and like, digging deep. Hey, what's, you know, what am I going to find on my fifth day in town?
That said, it was still really cool that I got to see, ten different really cool places.
Can you guys hear that?
What are you hearing, Ja'far?
In the background? Can you hear the TV in the background?
Why uh, Beth watching Smut?
Uh, no, that's, that's us actually.
You're still trying for that segue, aren't
doing my best. You guys sent me the episode that starts with Lumberg watching porn.
I, I had not, I never saw this episode before, Ben. It was the one that had the space when you were back. So it's the one that you got.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
but it, but it is random. Random happenstance, I promise.
Tell us which episode this is, Ja'far, before we get too far.
that we happen to be watching uh, Crusade, uh, The Needs of Earth.
So I watch this with closed captions, guys. I think I've mentioned that before, you know, cause I have auditory processing difficulties sometimes. And the closed captions, when you boot up this episode, immediately start with the words, cheesy music plays and boy.
I have some comments about the music in this episode. I don't know, it's, it's interesting.
I have a bit that requires me to apologize to Aaron now because of the music in this episode.
Oh no. Usually you apologize at the end.
but don't worry, we'll get there. Um, yeah, so it's just cheesy music playing as Captain Gideon is totally just watching porn at work, just casually, as Dr. Chamber walks in as summoned. Where the fuck is Excalibur's HR department?
she has a surprisingly chill reaction to being summoned to her boss's office while he's in uniform sippin from his Stanley and watching porn.
On the big screen!
Yep.
Wow.
on his phone!
Yep. And then he reveals, Hey, don't worry, it's not my porn. And, for me, that feels worse. Like,
This is your other co worker's pornography I'm forcing you to watch right now.
It's okay, we don't like him. And
yeah. There's nothing hostile work environment going on on the Excalibur at
you imagine this happening to you? Can you imagine your boss summoning you to their office to find them watching pornography and they say, don't worry, it's this person that I know you hates?
Yeah, nope. Can't imagine this.
Jaffer, I've got a question for you. As somebody who's done a lot of uh, Uh, sailing the high seas Have you ever handed somebody the wrong flash drive?
No.
Okay. So, Well,
fuck up mistake. Why would you commit that? I mean, one, you'd never hand someone a flash drive if you don't know for absolutely certain what's on it.
mm hmm.
Two, those are not the kinds of materials you would store, why would you keep that on a flash drive? Why would you keep that on a flash drive? Knowing that it is mobile storage medium.
you're on a spaceship, so Your only Your only computer is your
No. Yeah,
If you've never made this mistake having, like, Supplied illegally downloaded BBC shows for people for 20 years.
I deny that comment.
How like this, this is just a rookie mistake.
Yeah.
So, not only does he watch porn on, you know, on his work devices, our colleague Eilerson, he's also watching the really weird stuff.
Yeah. Uh, Snow White and the Seven Narn? That's a choice.
It was the pockmaraw that really did it for me.
Yeah. Which Chambers is just Like, you can't do this. They're not, you're not compatible. Oh god, the tentacles!
no, we're not here to yuck anybody's yums,
Oh, no, I'm okay with it. At work. Yum yucked.
Oh god, what the actual fuck, Crusade? Like, I know that this is all a, Oh, this is the recorded VHS tape and you left something on there you shouldn't have because you recorded something else on top of it gag, right? This, this has not made sense for storage mediums in a long time. And even then, how is a crystal rewritable? I would think a crystal would be right one time only kind of storage medium.
Yeah, I know you're getting nitpicky.
That's fair.
Oh man, yeah,
this just feels like JMS is just telling the writers room, This one time Harlan Ellison sent me a VHS tape.
Oh, good point. Is this a dig at somebody on purpose? I want it
this just he's telling a story not realizing, No, this is horrifying.
Yeah.
Either or.
I wrote down that I really hope this is the whole bee story, and it was not the whole bee story, but it did come up more, which
It was at least the sea
that.
Yeah. I think it's safe to call it the D story, Ben.
Ah, yeah. Yep.
the, the D story.
Yeah. Yeah, We
Anyways. Yep. Okay. They meet up with the Mimbari captain. And, did you see the M'Bari captain's ship? Am I crazy or was this another destroyer of the same class?
Oh, Aaron had this moment too, and we rewound it. Or, you know, whatever you do these days, you don't rewind. But yeah, we scrubbed back, and It was just some weird, bad edit, Aaron said. Because it looks like there's actually a white star that they come from, I think. Yeah, but there was a weird, bad edit where Aaron went, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah. I was like, what the fuck?
Nope, I know exactly what you're talking about.
M'Bari captain has some information that will help Earth. But it's gonna involve breaking a bunch of laws and the rangers just can't do that shit. And Gideon's like, he's like, are you, are you willing to cross this line? And he's like, I just watched a Pac Man or a fuck a human woman. Like there is no line I won't cross.
I compared him to Stringfellow Hawk again at this point, because he says, I've been alone before. And he's just really hitting those, those buttons hard.
Are you willing to cross this line? That is all my Earth Force HR folder says about me.
You know, I'm down for anything to theme. Yeah.
but yeah, this is very much uh, if you are caught or captured, the secretary will disavow all knowledge. This tape will self destruct in three seconds.
After theme, Max tries to get his porn back, but Gideon keeps his tax documents folder in his pocket.
Conspicuously in his hand the whole time.
oh my god, I didn't catch that part. That's hilarious. Yeah, Eylerson has a whole story about, oh, you know, I think it's gotten corrupted and I'd hate to corrupt your whole system, so, give me that one back and I'll just rewrite my shit on a different crystal.
Just give me that one back, please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. It's so important. It's so important you gave me that crystal back. He's like, nah, we'll talk about it after your monthly performance review.
You know what would have bumped us up to C Story is if there had been a reckoning at the end where we bring it back up one more time. I just needed it one more time. We kind of drop it in the middle and forget about it. It's just so disappointing. Yeah. No, we need Eilerson coming and asking for it back again or something. You know, like we need, we need it to come back up.
Yeah. We learned that the Mimbari captain the information he gave over was a Maradi is on the run with hundreds of years of highly compressed data on a handful of crystals that for some reason might aid in their search.
Mmm,
this did, like, this is where I started to lose this episode.
It's, it's real thin, real thin premise.
yeah.
yeah.
Max is all like, this isn't worth it. Doreen is all like, you're a coward. But none of this matters because the captain says so.
Yeah, I like how Eilerson tries to say, we don't need to do this, and Gideon's like, did you think this ship was a democracy? Like, why do I care what you think?
So, having only been able to hear the first two episodes of your guys coverage and now jumping in, who is Eilerson?
Oh, he's the worst. That's who Eilerson is.
He was in the pilot, he was the archaeologist in the pilot. Um, you have not missed a ton of character development for him. He had some, but it doesn't feel like it was particularly remembered. Um, yeah.
not developed. He's just a big jerk. In one of the episodes we just discussed, like, he makes a stupid decision in leadership of his team that gets people killed, and it just doesn't seem to be acknowledged at all.
Yeah. He's just kind of like there to be a douchebag.
Yeah. Oh, and he insulted Darina by talking about her profession as the second oldest profession comparing her to only the other, you know, female dominated oldest profession that is often looked down upon.
He's farming, yeah.
Yeah.
it, Ben. Everyone looks down on farmers. So, the Excalibur arrives at Praxis just as it explodes. Matheson briefs Gideon on how to break into this dome. Dorino volunteers, and he fights us for like 30 seconds before realizing that's the entire reason she's there. It's like, oh yeah, maybe he should come. That would make sense. They get into some Eva suits. They get dropped off outside of a big dome to avoid detection. Darina Darina lets Gideon know it's dangerous as they go anyways.
Uh, And she hints at something in her past before. I wonder if that will come up later.
and this, this whole chunk really bugged me. Because it is a four minute chunk of the episode, one with no music. There is no music in this, this section of the, of the episode. And two, they just land in a fog machine and talk about how, okay, we're six miles away from the city. Oh, this is as close as we got last time before everyone died. And then, okay, well, we're almost there. So let's just sit down and rest. Actually, I don't feel like resting.
Now we're at the door and it was just like, If this was any other sci fi, like, we would have gotten, like, trudging you know, like,
Montage.
montages of movement you know, uh, Wesley noticing that the, the crazy freighter captain is drinking booze uh, as they wander through the desert
Michelle Yeoh saying, Oh, these are our footprints. We'd walked in a circle. And then you, the space out. It's, oh, it wasn't quite a circle, was it?
no, uh, and uh, Then they get there, and the difficulty getting in takes about 30 seconds. And so it just becomes this whole, like, why did we waste these four minutes?
Yeah.
get a real Any, any danger from the previous two scenes. We got some cryptic Darina stuff. But you could have gotten that as like, they walked through a bazaar and she was just like, Oh, I haven't been here since. Since what? I don't want to talk about it. Well then why did you say half of a sentence? Ha
I have two beefs with this scene that you haven't mentioned yet. And my first beef with this scene that you haven't mentioned is we talk on the shuttle About we need to bring a third EVA suit, and it doesn't look like either of them is carrying anything big enough to have an EVA suit in it.
Correct.
Beef number two is, you know, there's a whole dramatic thing about she's gotta take the gloves off to hit the keypad because she's fat fingering the combo and it's gonna lock her out. Oh, Ja'far probably has a password security rant about that. Uh,
ha.
and uh, She takes off her gloves and that compromises the integrity of the whole suit. And I'm like, that seems like a design flaw in this day and age.
Okay, so Correct. I actually had a rant about that. Because you can see that the suit is sealed at her wrists when they take those gloves off. So her hands would have hypothetically been exposed the entire time. There's a little hiss noise, I guess, for some reason. But it's just like The suit is sealed at the wrist, so it doesn't matter. Your hands are exposed, which isn't great, probably, but you wouldn't be able to
you're
Yeah.
Or corrosive, something corrosive in the atmosphere could be bad, but still, like, it shouldn't get in the whole damn suit.
right? Especially so quickly.
Uh Huh.
Given you're only exposed to this much air, or whatever, right? And also, why does she need to take them both off to use one hand to press the keypad?
Because she is using two hands as she just
She's pressing enter with the other one. It's literally just the one button she presses with her left hand. Yeah, but I think, I think we've covered all the problems with that
Yeah, Yeah, Well, we didn't talk about the passwords. I think that she said that they were like the password she knew from the last time she was there or something. And I
When she was nine, we find out, the passwords from 20 to 30 years ago haven't been changed. That actually seems accurate. If you don't make people change them, they won't for that long.
That's fucking true.
you, most, uh, retail stores you go into, the password is the store number.
Yeah. Or, or admin.
5.
So, uh, Gideon needs to make a distraction here as we find out we're in a slave market.
Yeah.
And, uh, he decides to pick a fight with a Rhino kin. I don't know what these people are called, but he looked like a Rhino nausican. So, I'm going with Rhino
Yeah.
He looks like he's about to pick a fight with Spider Man.
yeah, for sure. Gideon starts his fight so Doreena can do what she needs to do. And Doreena finds the, like, thieves can't secret passage thing. And someone notices her finding that thing. Who looks super familiar to me, but I couldn't find him in the credits.
Well, because he has no lines, he's just a cowboy thief, as Gideon is getting first thrown through a table, and then Kurt angled through a window.
this was so confusing because the way she's like having looks with Cowboy Thief, we thought at first that he was like the slave trader who sold her or something.
That was the vibe I got as well.
Yeah, and then I think maybe she was actually like standing by the thieves guild symbol or something and that kind of summoned him or maybe she she did this symbol herself like she was trying to get him his assistants, but it was so unclear what was happening we thought that this guy was about to get his ass beat.
Yeah. When he shows up, they're like, As thieves, we're trained to look where the other people aren't looking. And so when the fight broke out, he saw me doing other stuff because he knew it was a distraction. It's all like Maybe he was just looking around the room.
Yeah.
He saw a girl by Glowy Circle. That's weird.
Yeah, but nope, it means he's a member of the Thieves Guild.
Yeah. Okay.
so he helps them out and then never says anything and just vanishes.
Yeah.
So important to the plot, guys.
And I'm not sure, so we're in the like, thieves guild secret hallway it seems like, and we come upon this table of guys playing poker and we need to just get them out of the way. Are they the guards or something? I'm,
I guess these are the bounty hunters, but why do the bounty hunters also have slaves?
Oh, well, you gotta have a side gig. Everybody needs a hustle.
Ah, no. Hustle culture makes it to 22 whatever.
Yeah, I mean, remember that Babylon 5 had, like, not the utopia of Star Trek. So, a lot of bad shit made it through.
Yeah.
and Darina needs another distraction here so they can go grab Nub Nub.
Here it comes.
Yep, so they put Max's porn stash on the TV in the other room, and it immediately pulls all the bounty hunters away. That uh, that Pac Maras milkshake really brought all the boys to the yard.
I just, I, I don't know why we would do this. I don't know why we would all get up to go see. And it's like porn on four TVs. It's not just
Right? Well, all the screens in this show are like 8 inch TVs because of the production value. So they really just gotta all get up there to see what's going on.
That's true. Yeah, we can't see from this far
Fidelity. Yeah, it's not great. This is not HDTV over here. Gideon grabs Nathak as Doreena Frees, a bunch of the slaves. We haven't gotten a good look at him yet, but this is Tony and Mandala. That's fun.
Oh.
Oh, he's in all kinds of stuff. He's in the Star Wars games. He's the Jedi Master who leaves the messages behind.
Oh, he's uh, yeah. Um, He's under a lot of makeup.
Yes. Well, the voice is very distinct.
but he is all messed up, and clutching his data crystals to his chest, which, it's weird, they let him keep.
Yeah.
good point. He was captured by bounty hunters.
Mm
Do they even really need him? Like, keep the crystals.
this is, this is the second point of incredulity I have with this whole setup. We've got this actually kinda neat sci fi setup where we have this planet, four domed cities, biggest one is the uh, capital with the spaceport, only place you can land a spaceship. Well then how do you get to the other three cities? Uh, But then we have, okay, we're trying to escape, we've got this beat up guy, send down the shuttle, oh no, the Maraudee have jumped in. And then No escape.
We don't see them getting picked up. They're just landing back on Excalibur.
Yes, there's no like exciting chase scene.
Yeah, we could have had an exciting
and it's six miles they carried this dude through dangerous desert that killed everyone last time.
Well, you don't even have to go through the desert. It could be we're running through the bazaar and through this bar again. And this time the guards chasing us bump into the Rhinocican. And he turns around and starts fighting the guards. And Gideon's like, ha ha, they're getting messed up. I know how that feels. Ooh, still forgot a bruise. you could have had some bits here and reused the same set.
And, oh, when we open the door and run outside, they don't have the EVA suits and they can't follow us. Uh, and that's how we got away. You don't even have to go back outside again.
Mm. Yeah. There was a lot of missed opportunity for bits. A lot of missed bits.
And for an episode that feels so padded out, you could have done some stuff. You already had the four goons. You
Yeah.
set.
Mm
I'm I'm meeting you at your level, TNT. I'm not saying like, alright, and then we have 40 extras in a laser fight!
Although,
the pieces are there of this puzzle. Exactly.
So the attempt at exciting chase is actually like, the Excalibur's gonna go jump away and then they're gonna get followed into hyperspace. Yeah.
you're driving a Ducati though, because they catch up in no time.
Yeah. It's good, I like that.
this is, that was some good wordplay, But this also is my biggest problem with Babylon 5. Is their complete, like, the Maradi are nobody.
yeah,
even, like, they are not even on the level of, like, the game or, you know, the the Dilgar, they, they are, we're not even on par to be in the League of Non Aligned Planets,
Yeah, sure.
which maybe they're not because they're these racist a holes, but even then, If they're these racist a holes, they're not as big as, you know, the Mimbari, or the Centauri, or the anybody else. And the Excalibur should be the biggest, baddest ship. Okay,
Yeah.
the Drakkar are difficult because, like, they're all shadow souped up. But this should be like,
Mm
Hey, you're bringing your, you know, 1800s Age of Sail frigates, and I've got, you know, an aircraft carrier. I understand, like, they bring a lot of guys, but it's like, it doesn't matter. Um, I can blow you up from over the horizon.
The only thing that really makes sense to me is that they are technologically advanced. They might be on par with a Mimbari. And they're just so far fucking out. that they have not interacted with anyone. Like, it's not that they couldn't qualify for a League of Non Aligned Worlds, or even a council seat. It's that they're in a different part of the fucking galaxy, and the Excalibur has just gone that far out.
which I could accept, if they had done, like, Star Trek does and Hey, all of this is happening in the alpha quadrant and kind of into the beta quadrant and now we're getting into other places but like when we see back in Babylon 5 when Mr. Morden is talking to Londo about all right, and we're gonna let The Centauri win. We just want this chunk of the galaxy here. They're showing like hey We know the whole galaxy
hmm.
We just want this, like, middle third of it. And that, you know, it is, it is in a few instances shown that enough of the galaxy is in play. That there shouldn't be a Big, you know, out there, Hey, you haven't met the Borg yet.
Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Also, just because the shadows have that big map doesn't mean that Everyone else has that big map or can travel that far. They are the shadows, but also you're not wrong. And I'm making excuses for a TV show that I shouldn't have to make excuses for.
yeah. The, the only thing they throw in there that maybe could work, That maybe could help is like, we can see this race is very isolationist because they've burned all their books and they're just a bunch of big fascists. So maybe they're purposefully trying not to be noticed as very advanced.
regardless, the Mirati have arrived. They chase them down. They uh, send over a bunch of ships. They fire a warning shot. They make an overture for diplomacy. At this point we see a couple of things. We see Natchok grasping the data crystals, saying they will be given freely to the right person. and then the Maradi send over their envoy. And the captain of the other ship and his translator come on board. They don't speak English because English is dumb and the people who speak it are dumb. Um.
Yeah.
Which I really wish I had a good argument against, but
Mm. Heh
I don't feel great about it these days.
Are you calling Dolly Parton dumb?
So, no. Dolly Parton is always the exception. One.
Hm. Hm.
I'm just saying that, like, all of IQ keeps rising, right? And uh, The reason for that is that the hundred IQ is like the center, right? It's based off of an average and it's based off of the average American. It's supposed to be the hundred IQ. That's like how the scale is written and maintained because of course we did that to ourselves. And so if everyone else's IQ keeps rising in other parts of the world, are they getting smarter or are we getting dumber?
Hm. Hmm.
of those things is happening.
There's a lot of places that speak English in the world that aren't the United States, though, so I don't know that we can throw this all on the English speaking world's uh, shoulders.
That it's very American of me to do so, and I will continue to do so as a white man.
ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha
See, the only time I get to be a white guy is on radio, so, know, it's fun that way. Definitely not at the airport. Ho Oh,
Oh, is somebody about to fly with you? Oh boy.
Enjoy that random selection, guys! Ha ha ha ha ha
But this part of the episode makes me think, Is this a plot device making it easier to Maraudee if they are dicks?
Oh. Yeah. Mm
if they had shown up and been like, Hey, so like, this guy's like a war criminal, man. And like, you're totally chomping on our vibes. And like, this isn't
You don't even know the heinous shit that this guy did. Fuck this guy. You can't, you can't like this guy. He's, he's the war crime guy.
we'll send some guys over. We heard about what happened to you. And like, we'll send some doctors. Like, we're chill, we're cool, we're the Marathi. Come on! You know, they have to be dicks.
We'll help you with, we'll help you with the cure. We'll give you all of our medical records for free. Don't even worry about it. They know what's on the fucking drive. Then we don't know what's on the drive. Gideon doesn't know what's on the drive. They know what's on the drive. And they could just be all like, Oh, well you were interested in this because you need help with medical research?
We will give you X amount of medical records that don't involve our personal, like, racist genome so you can't build a biological weapon against us. You can just have all of it. Episode over! And I'm out! I mean, not necessarily more helpful, that's the point of the episode. But definitely more in line with Gideon's goals. ha ha ha
Now it's your fare. Would you like all of the medical information that the first minister and the translator are willing to give you? Would you like the mystery box?
Mystery
change the ba Always change the door, right? That's the thing on,
Yes.
what's that game show?
uh, Let's make a deal.
Let's make a deal. Yeah, you always pick the, the, when they offer you the other doors. Statistically, it is always the option to choose.
Hmm,
Because you don't get offered it if you got the jackpot. So, you go from having a median goal to having a 50 50 and hitting the jackpot. Like, you always take it. It's a 50 50 chance, Ben. Either you will or you won't. That's
so they call their prime minister guy the a priori. Did you guys catch that?
Mm hmm. A priori
Yeah. A priori is a phrase or a word meaning relating to or denoting reasoning or knowledge, which proceeds from theoretical deduction rather than from observation or experience.
Huh.
So I thought that was interesting that we would call this guy that.
Yeah, that is interesting. That's interesting.
I feel like it's a JMS, little like winky, winky face. At
He
something. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, They start to negotiate when a bunch of other Marauding Warships show up. And Max is like, is this fucking worth it guys?
he's back with more opinions.
Yeah, is this worth killing or dying for? And Gideon's like, Yes, evil Tesh, yes it is.
I can't help but notice they haven't asked the Mirati for what they want at this point, still.
Oh,
It's like, how hard would it be to be like, Oh, well, we've got this stuff, and this is what we're looking for, So, if you're willing to give us that little bit, We don't care about the rest of the information that's on those things.
Yeah.
And we can just call it a day, y'all.
Yeah, Gideon's not gonna do that.
Nope. Nectalk is Digging around here.
guys, guess what?
It's Lockley's first appearance.
Yeah, we are what, five episodes into the show? Six? No, five. Into the show. And we get kinda Lockley, so Lockley Watch is still on. We still have to keep going, but
What the fuck is her personal log doing on a crystal out in the middle of wherever? There's this med lab still? Like, what the actual fuck? How does that make any sense whatsoever?
The only thing I can think of is this means cause we're out, this is what? Episode twelve or eleven or twelve? And we're watching out of order. So there's got to be a scene where they go to Babylon 5 and somebody palms a crystal from Lockley's office, right? Be on the lookout. As
about it, I can get past Alan.
Done this before, I'll do it again. Oh, it's just, it's so crazy that Lockley's personal log is just like sitting on board the ship to me.
Well, and also it's, he's got two crystals, Lockley's uh, captain's logs, and public domain music.
Uh, Yeah, he finds some Mozart and it's just like changed forever, you know?
you are when you hear Mozart for the first time. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He agrees to copy over everything after hearing Mozart. He's like, okay, these people have art, so they, I get it now.
Now, I'm just gonna ask. What would have been the worst thing for him to find? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA You, your art is so beautiful!
See another missed opportunity for this to come up again. I needed it to come up again.
Nektar gets on the autopilot shuttle and the Mirati just blow it up and then peace out.
Well, before that he copies everything.
Yeah, he copies over the goods. And then gets killed.
Yeah. He gives it to Gideon.
We find out the crystals contain all of the collected art of their people And his art is just libtards masturbating and we're too fascist for that That's what he's willing to die for
Yeah. He gives a good little, like, monologue and speech about, you know, saving these things and giving them to somewhere safe, you know?
yeah, maybe one day my people will want this back and not know what they've lost You know, you can hope for that. Dr. Chamber is just in awe of the art she said it's the art of hope and Earth needs hope right now just as much as science. Gideon is unmoved and rude as hell. He's just kind of a dick here about the whole thing. Just like, I risked my life for art? It's all like an entire society's worth of art.
I mean, like, I know it wasn't what you were expecting, but it's also by no means worthless.
right.
Is there any Murati hair metal? No. Well
like, there was a non zero chance that this was all going to be garbage anyway, Gideon. You had to have like, wrestled with that a little bit before you made the
Yeah,
right?
not everything was always going to be awesome. In fact, historically speaking on this show, it's always worthless. This has been the most worthwhile thing you've found so far.
No, no,
maybe those, those, nanomachines that let you be on earth for two days.
You are forgetting the apocalypse box, Jaffer, and I will not have it. This will not stand.
We don't even know what it is yet!
It's a fucking great box is what it is.
It's a box within a box that talks to you, Ben. You might have missed that bit.
That hasn't ha yeah that episode hasn't come out yet.
Yeah, don't worry, we don't understand anything yet either. Matheson records a diary entry. He knew they were lying and didn't stop it, so like, he's Jesus now?
Well, no, he's
Well, not, Noctuck is Jesus now, yeah. Yeah, he's got some personal turmoil. Here.
not, I don't hate this.
Yeah. No, no, no. It's, it's, it's an interesting theological question. Do you prevent the crucifixion? Like, I mean, it's not really my conversation to have, but I mean, you guys can feel free.
Well, and I also noticed, like, right after a really bad Gideon speech, I thought this was a really good one.
yeah.
I. And I, I don't hate it because I really did want some more of the, like, telepath issues to come up, and, okay, this is kind of an afterthought for me at the end of this episode, and, you know, it is a little bit of a, a, overly dramatic monologue for me, and that, just that, like, we're, we're throwing this emotion in here when we've not even really grappled much with Matheson yet at all but, yeah, like, what, what's the telepath to do when he's placed in, a situation where somebody's just
beaming their thoughts directly in your head, practically, and it can affect people around him that he he could do something for them.
Yeah. I mean, Talia saved Jakar's life.
So, I don't know. I wanted to hear more about how telepaths integrate into this new society and this new earth force and this is kind of scraping that surface. I hope we get a little more though. This can't be
I mean, I like it. Yeah. I hope not. I like it a lot more than 95 year old best or fuckin 30 year olds.
But what I really liked here was the dichotomy of Gideon in this whole episode is very much the ends justify the means,
Uh
Mhm.
I will do anything, and it doesn't matter if the ends are actually what I wanted them to be. I will have already broken every rule. I will already have you know, assaulted random people blown up buildings breaking and entering, possibly starting an interstellar war. I don't care. This might be useful.
Mhm.
as NotChalk is very much the means justify the ends, I am doing what is right. And how it turns out, it turns out which is a philosophy I try to ascribe to that it doesn't matter if if it's going to lead me into a place where these jerkoffs are going to blow me up, I'm going to do the right thing and uh, I'm going to get the the past of my people to some place where it might be safeguarded and how I'm doing it is more important than how this ends up for me.
And that's, that's a very important point to consider, Ben, and I do understand and empathize. And then we get a sample of what that art is. Because Gideon goes back to Med Lab, grabs a crystal, goes to Darina's, puts it in her Walkman, and hits play. Okay, okay, no, but really though, then he actually hits play.
no, no, no, it's not actually that.
no actually, it's this.
And that's the episode. We just get that to theme.
Yeah and then Gideon walks down the hallway to the pan flute of I'm Not Chakotay.
Akuchi Moya, yo.
The, the music is just, I don't know, I don't want to rag on Mr. Chen, but like, the aesthetic is not right for this show. Like, I understand a, like, sort of a non Western music, we want to have some more ethereal vibes and stuff, but boy, it's
Yeah.
for the show.
If Christophe Frank didn't go so fucking hard on all of the B5 soundtrack I might be able, I might be more forgiving. But having had the show previous have such good fucking music for so many seasons, once you got past the first episode playing the same song 16 times, and you actually gave him time to compose more than one piece it's just so fucking soul wrenching to hear fucking shitty, I don't even want to say EDM, it's just EM just bad.
Well, and then you still, even, even then, you have the whole bits where they're like, when they're walking through the, dust cloud, there should be music there.
Like, drum, something to up the drama.
like, I don't know how this works scoring a show. it might not be his choice. They might be like, no, in order to really get the, the atmosphere, we have to hear the atmosphere. Just more wind howling. But it means that the music is off at every level, everybody making a decision.
You know what this music actually belonged in? If this show was about the Rangers and had more Mimbari and a white star, I could buy off on this music, maybe.
you know, that's fair. I could see that.
Mm hmm. It needs some more, like, Mimbari mysticism to, like, back it up. Mm hmm.
Mm hmm. All right. Well speaking of backing it up It's time to rate this episode on a scale of one to four main guns firing Ben as our guest You have first crack at rating this episode Give me five seasons
Oh boy. Um, it's a whole lot of nothing followed by a incredibly heavy handed Hey, I'm making a TV show. Don't you understand? Art is important!
Right,
like,
stop fucking with it.
or this feels like, don't you realize that what I'm doing is actually deeply important? Either dad, or ex wife, or somebody uh, this is one. If, I don't know, I don't know if you guys have broken down partial, like, If this could be a misfire, this is
Ooh,
Yeah, we
I'll add Misfire to the scale. Yeah, that seems fair. I'm here for that. How about you, Laura?
So, you know, I ended the last episode with uh, this is a spoiler for you Ben, since you haven't heard it yet, but four main guns firing because of the just absolute bizarre weirdness of the end that made me cackle. This is, uh,
for you,
This bizarre weirdness hit me right at the top when we're watching space alien porn in the office and critiquing it together. Like,
so weird.
main guns just because that was hilarious and I couldn't wait to talk to my friends about it.
I feel neither way about this, this episode. it it was awkward. I, it, I mean, Ben called it the beginning. It's five pounds of episode in a 10 pound bag. Okay.
for real.
It was just not particularly enjoyable. Like, I enjoyed this conversation significantly. But watching the episode was just not fun. Good. It was not fun. I, I mean even like the little bits at the beginning, like where they both turn their head at the same time at the weird porn, and then all the aliens do it later and stuff. Like, that's a fun little reoccurring bit, but could you done it with anything else? I mean, like, I, I'm not a prude. Um, you know, it's just
approved.
famously not a prude and it's just like, I, I just, I don't know. It just seems like it was weirdly like alien body shaming to me is how it all comes off where they're just like the Pac Mara is like in this like, I don't know how much of that was like their skin and how much of it was like a weird like sex outfit. Um, if it was like bondage gear,
Oh, Pac Mara sex outfit.
new name of our punk band. Um, But it was just like, I don't know. It just didn't hit for me at any point. If they had committed to the bit a little bit more, I could have dug in, but they just skimmed the surface just enough for me to go do more with it or do less with it. I find this annoying and not a fun way.
may I offer another support for your opinion in that, you know, what one of the things that you have said before on. a factor that factors into your rating of the episode is whether you could have fixed something with one line of dialogue.
Yes.
And I believe that if we had fixed the Marathi setup with a little bit of dialogue about they're so reclusive, we don't know how advanced they are, we know they're, very isolationist, and they have this kind of technology. Like, if they just said a little bit about that, that would have made the Miratis appearance in hyperspace a little bit more believable.
Yeah, for sure. I can dock a point for that. Yeah.
in that same vein, If Chambers came into Gideon's office and was like, Hey, I heard you found Eilerson's weird porn, And was just like, Hey, this is a fun thing we're doing as this guy's kind of, like, superiors of this guy who's a douche. You know, hey, okay, now it's a fun thing instead of an HR nightmare.
Yeah, instead of ambushing your subordinate with porn.
an ounce of consent would have been worth a mile of runway for this episode. Truly.
So what was your rating?
I'm gonna say one main gun out of four firing.
I have a question for those, for you guys, since you have seen, uh, Chambers more than I have.
Oh, I don't know that we have, but okay.
Is this your first time seeing them?
Oh, no, no. We've seen Chambers, but it's taken me, like, four episodes to remember her name.
Does, does it feel like Everything they said this episode could have just been given to Franklin.
Mm.
it feels kind of like they're
yeah.
Doctor.
Yeah. Ja'far and I just
Yeah.
same thoughtful head tilt.
They did the simultaneous head tilt just like they're watching alien porn.
That's fair, Ben. That's a fair criticism. Dr. Chambers doesn't really feel like a distinct character.
Yeah.
They have, like, two things about them, and they could very easily be Dr. Franklin things. It's like, oh, my sister is trapped on Earth. Okay, that says, says Dr. Franklin's. Uh, Fair. You know, it's just, it's a bit much, and by a bit much I mean not nearly enough.
Right. Right. Leaning hard into the same stuff that like, recycling your same stuff that's already worked. Is there a term for this? It kind of reminds me of like, I
the well.
Well, I heard Ben talking on on last time on about flanderization, and it's kind of like that for me. It's like we flanderized the doctor character. just with the standard doctor tropes and doctor things that doctors say.
Yeah. All right. Well, that's an episode. We got another one next week. We got episode 9 racing the night. Gideon and crew find themselves trapped by an alien civilization using sinister methods to seek a cure for the same drach virus that attacked Earth.
Hmm.
Yeah, so we'll be back with that one next week. But before we're back with that. We do have a couple of thank yous to say out. Hey, Jeremy, Jeremy Siegel, the Jeremy Siegel 42 at the band camp. We really appreciate you writing our theme music. Thank you so much for that. You can find more of Jeremy's work on streaming services as Nuclear Jaguar.
And thank you to Angry Duck Time Machine on Instagram for our podcast artwork.
Aaron, once again, I'm so sorry. I know I put a lot of work on you in about three minutes of recording. And I recognize that. And I recognize that. And all the other hard work that you do. To make Laura
The
and, and I, and occasionally Ben sound like coherent individuals with full thoughts instead of the rambling nincompoops that we tend to be in reality. So thank you so much for that. Really appreciate it.
Hey, and thanks listener for sitting through Crusade with us. I don't know if you're watching along or not, but I hope that we're giving you some colorful, fun impressions of this show with our recaps. And if you have watched the show, you have thoughts you want to share, you can always go to email us at whoareyoub5 at gmail. com or join our discord where we're happy to talk about it.
Discord's awesome.
Or any of our other shows like last time on where Ben and Victor from Domini media television, and I will talk about TV shows that we haven't seen and it's Sister podcast yet to air cool girls. Don't look at explosions
Yeah. Okay. Bye.
Yeah, and then some other stuff that's on its way to fun stuff. We'll see you next week internet
Bye.