Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast. This week's Thursday Therapy. We've got Roseanne Austin. She's got a book coming out in August, The Feminine Fertility Cure, which is discover your innate power to have a baby, regardless of age, diagnosis, or scary statistics. Let's get her on. How are you?
I am fantastic. I have to admit little starstruck.
Oh you're so sweet. I'm so happy to have you on because I feel like this is, you know, a topic that is relatable to a lot of women out there, and it is June is infertility Awareness month. So I'm just I'm very happy to have you on.
I'm so glad to be here. It's quite an honor.
Oh you're sweet. So you live in Austin, Yeah? Or no, No, you live Woodlands, Texas?
Yes, yes, just outside of Houston.
So we'll just hop right into it. But do you have one child?
Yes, he's my miracle boy. He's turning seven this month.
Okay, so that was kind of my first question was you know, did you have trouble conceiving which is why you you know, have this book coming out?
Oh? Yes, yes, woman necessity is the mother of invention, and that's how all of this started.
Yeah, so what was your journey like to having your son?
So this all started back when I was a prosecutor in California, So I prosecuted domestic violence and sexual assault cases for a very long time. And when my husband and I met, and he was in law enforcement as well, we were already in our mid thirties and so this I, you know, heard through the grapevine that it was going to be harder for me to have a baby because
I was quote unquote old. I don't know where exactly I picked that up, but that was the idea going into it, like, hurry up, we got to do this, you know, fast, before I'm over the hill, right and very quickly. I mean I had no idea what to expect, Jannam, because I entered a world that I was not prepared for. So, yes, I could pass the California bar, Yes I was prosecuting serious violent felonies, but I had no idea what the
world of fertility was going to be like. Because the minute we started trying, like I had seen my doctor before just letting her know, hey, this is what I'm about to embark on you know, what should I be prepared for. I didn't get that much information other than start a prenatal but that was the beginning of a seven year journey to my son. So we were trying, like we tried naturally for six months and then we're scared out of our wits because you know, of our age and everything.
We were hearing how old again were you at that time?
So around that time, I was about thirty seven, and it was crazy because everything we were hearing is hey, the door is closing, you better hurry up. So then we started going to fertility clinics. I mean we spared no expense. I was trying every treatment, diet, lotion, potion I get get my hands on, and nothing was working. And we were traveling hundreds of miles a week. I was going to a top ten teaching hospital in northern California,
like seeking antsers. Nobody could tell us anything except, you know, point to our age, and I was like, what's going on? You know, I'm otherwise healthy, you know, have a reasonably good diet, but nothing was working. So I had to get to a point where I was like, Okay, I'm a trial attorney. I solve problems. I strategized, I said, what isn't clean in all of this? Because I wasn't letting dairy or gluten sugar, anything cross my lips. I was if you told me, Jane, that's standing on my
head would get me pregnant. I did exactly that. Okay, I was a very good student. But what I didn't understand is I wasn't leveraging the most powerful asset I had, and that was my mind, my belief system, because I was going into every single one of our treatments expecting to fail and expecting you know, I felt shame. I felt guilt, Like here I am, I'm accomplished in these external ways and I can't do a biological basic of
having a baby. And it hit me. I'm like, I can't look at all this stress I'm creating, Like I'm terrified that my husband's going to leave me and find somebody younger, who's more fertile. I'm hiding this big secret from my colleagues because in the office that I was in, you couldn't talk about trying to conceive because you might not get the best cases or you might lose your assignment. You've been working so hard for that's a whole nother conversation.
But I just felt so much pressure to make this happen, that I was creating this insane stress. And it doesn't surprise me today when I look back on it all these years later that I wasn't getting pregnant. So what I did was I immediately began working on cleaning up the way that I thought, so that, I mean, that's what mindset is, is what you think and what you believe. And I had to change my belief about myself, belief
about my what possible for me on this journey. And the end result was, I mean, none of our treatments worked, but I became more fertile in my forties because I had my son when I was almost forty four, Jenna, So I was technically more fertile in my forties than I was in my thirties by cleaning up what was going on in my mind.
So I love the idea of that, right, and and that's a that it's amazing. And I do think you know the power of positivity and the power of you know, thinking positive thoughts, and there's also many women that still have infertility issues. You know, it's like just because you think positive doesn't mean Okay, you know my friend who's who's been having miscarriage after miscarriage, like you know, she's the most positive person there is, and like you know, she's like I'm going to put it out to the
universe that I'm going to do it. So it's like, so I get that and I love that. And the same time, it's like the woman that's probably like had her you know, tenth miscarriage listening being like I've been positive, you know, like give me something else, you know, Like I know it's changing the thought, but also it is like we lose our certain amount of eggs when we get to you know, the certain age, Like what do you you know? I don't know. I guess I don't
even know what the question is in that. It's more just like a do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, well, let's talk about that because when I when I come from the perspective that mindset isn't just positive thinking. Positive thinking is not enough. It's absolutely not enough. It's a way you think. So I look at it this way thoughts, beliefs, actions, results, It's logical and it's linear. So I mean I've worked with women who have had ten miscarriages, like that's that Those are the women that
come to me. So I women typically come to me when they're well into their journey, and it's not like positive thinking like Okay, I'm not going to have a
miscarriage again. What I'm talking about when we're talking about a fertile mindset is a way of strategic thinking, because you can be positive all day, but if that doesn't change the behavior, or you get stuck in a story of self pity, or you get stuck in a story that I'm not enough or this is never going to happen for me, that is going to directly impact the action you take. So my heart goes out to your
friend that had ten miscarriages. I mean, it's a blessing that she's still in the game at this point, right, But if you have a history that way that includes that kind of devastating loss, then you have you're at a kind of a turning point. Do you use that to stop or do you use that to propel you forward? And my work is about helping women propel themselves forward because I have women that I've worked with that have
had similar histories that are now holding babies today. And I assure you it's not because they just thought positive. It's because they allowed their history to work for them and seek different solutions and allow themselves to say, look, if I have this desire, it must be meant for me. There will be a way. If there is a desire, there must be a way. Does that make sense?
Yeah? That tracks more. I get, like that makes sense to me. Through your journey, what diet did do you think helped with your fertility?
You know? Funny enough, I call it the joy diet because I was trying every diet. I did, gluten free, dairy free, all of these things. But what really made a difference for me, quite honestly, was enjoying my life and to stop agonizing over every single detail. Now, obviously that's going to be different for someone that actually has a diagnosis of a food allergy or food sensitivity, Like then great, observe that, but at the same time, like
allow yourself to have some joy in that process. So that's a mindset shift to be able to say, oh, I, you know, I'm restricted from having dairy. It's shifting that into saying, oh, I want to have a baby. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna avoid dairy for this period of time. It's less about deprivation and more about a decision to be in alignment with what's going to help bring this baby in.
How do you because I get asked this question, you know, you know even when someone I just someone else recently, I know, just had a miscarriage, and I'm like, it's it's hard because I've been there, like I've had I've had my multiple miscarriages, but I've also i also have three healthy children, and so it's easy for me, like I don't even sometimes know what to say because I'm like, it'll in my mind, i just think it'll happen for our everyone, you know, if it's if that's God's plan
and that's what's supposed to happen, but I don't. But again, it's it's easy for me to say because I've got I have my rainbow babies. I have had the chance of having a baby at forty and so it's like, what do you say to the girl that has no kids, that has had miscarriages, that has lost the hope Because it's like, again, it's easy for me to say, like it's gonna happen, You're gonna have your rainbow baby. Well,
actually I don't know that. I don't know if she's got you know, some infertility that is, or the sperm or whatever, like I don't, I don't know. But that's like all that I know what to say, and then I just pray and hope for that person to have the baby, because that's you know, in their heart they want a family. So like, what do you say to that person?
So I don't. I I typically will ask what do you need to hear right now? Because I don't like to assume and and I mean, I have my son is a rainbow baby too, so I know that devastation of the loss. And I like to come from the perspective that women know exactly what they need and holding space and giving permission for that woman to be heard and say, hey, what do you need to hear right now? I want to be here with you in this moment. How can I be there for you? What do you
need to hear? And to allow her to express that, because that's what I write about in my new book, The Feminine Fertility Cure, is we get so stuck in these very masculine measures of success Jannet, that we use numbers against us. Right, So, like a woman who has ten miscarriages that you know that may sound devastating to her, like there's no hope, but I promise you on a planet of almost eight billion people, there's a woman that
had eleven and is now holding a baby. Right, So there's always and there's always space for hope and expectation. But I think the number one thing is to allow a woman to express and not to be afraid. We don't have to know exactly what to say. I think the better thing is to ask the question.
Right, No, that makes sense, but what do you do for the person that like is having that Because I feel, as we all know, stress affects the body. It's so much easier again, easier said than done, being like, don't
stress about it, it's going to happen. But the problem is is you've got like one week window a month to get pregnant, and so that stress is it's like, even if you're like trying not to be stressed out, it's stressful because in that then you're stressing about what the test is going to look like, you know, and then then oh my gosh, now we're starting over, and then get a plan those times to make sure you
know it works for everybody. So I mean, how do you how do you take away the stress when when that's what you you know, when you're stressed.
Yeah, so I don't think it's so much taking away the stress than it is learning how to manage it in a completely different way. So this is why I was talking about getting out of masculine measures of success because most of us and I coach women that are lovably type A control freaky professionals, physicians, lawyers, teachers, nurses, you name it, and we're typically focused on a very
linear result. But as you well know from your own life and you have three beautiful children, that the process of getting there is not exactly linear, and we kind of expect an immediate result. So one of the things that I really encourage women to do to at least bring the stress down to a manageable point so they can use it to their advantage is to be able to say, look, just because this isn't happening right now,
doesn't mean that it won't. Okay. That's the number one thing, because when we're in the middle of it, it's like chaos.
Right.
So the first thing is is, hey, what's happening is real. Okay, it didn't happen this month, but that doesn't mean anything. I mean, I had eighty four negative tests before I had a positive one, so that's a long time and that's a lot of negative tests. And none of those previous tests meant that my son wasn't coming, not one of them. So the other thing is we also get really wrapped up in statistics, and I really encourage women across the board just take the statistics as one piece
of data, not as a verdict, not at all. It's a piece of data, it's not all of it. And that also can dramatically drop the amount of stress, because once a woman hears you've got a ten percent chance like, it's you know, full on distraction at that point. And then the other thing is, you know, we get really worried about our age, like time passing and the window is narrowing. And the reality is is women in their
forties are having babies. I mean, women in their forties are leading the charge right now, according to the most recent census state.
Which is interesting because the percentage I remember looking this up after thirty seven, fertility begins to reduce rapidly and at age forty, your chances conceiving are just over twenty percent, so it's the worst odds for getting pregnant. But I mean look at us, we both you know, my due date was on my fortieth birthday, so yeah, but yet we were geriatric thirty five on which I think is that is so unfair to women that that's where labeled that at thirty five years old.
It's lunacy. It's absolute lunacy. I mean, just this last Saturday in my coaching program, there is a forty eight year old woman that announced her natural pregnancy. So my reality from the trenches from seeing these women, I mean, women are getting pregnant in their forties all the time.
M h.
And it's it's incredible. So, I mean, this is why it's so important that when women are looking to take the stress out is so let's look at the full constellation of facts, right, not just the scary ones but the ones which tend to be a little harder to find. But they are out there, and there's living proof everywhere that women are having healthy, wonderful babies. They're having enjoyable pregnancies well into their forties and beyond. Sure, So you know, yes,
it's painful. Yes, it's scary, but if you start taking control of your thought process and say, Okay, this is true. I'm struggling right now, but I also know that I can look at this differently. Right, two things can be true at the same time. Jan And this is what I'm yelling at my ladies all the time. Yes, you could be struggling with fertility, and you can know it's
possible for you. Like, in ten years of doing this work, I have not seen a single woman who was absolutely committed to all opening all possible doors to being a mom not end up with a baby in her arms. Now exactly how she gets there, that's God's will, Okay, sure, but she will get there. And so I think when women tuck that into their back pocket as they move through their day, like focus on finding the good stories.
The bad ones and the scary ones are so easy to find, but make a commitment to look for the good.
One hundred percent agree with that. And I also, you know, just thinking back on it too, there's I it makes me sad. I understand why it's expensive, but it makes me sad how expensive IVF is. I mean, I was fortunate to do it twice, but it's a very expensive option, and you know, some people can't afford that. A lot
of people can't afford that. So it's I just wish it was more accessible to people that were struggling with infertility to be able to have have those options, because it's just it feels like a very closed door without that option at times.
Yeah, And I think that there are a lot of clinics that are looking at creative and interesting ways to fund those things, and I think, you know, people are opening up. I mean, it's also a shift in priority, isn't it, Like you know, we don't have a problem dropping I mean, you know, looking at the price of SUVs these days, like people don't have a problem dropping fifty six ground on an SUV, brand new suv. And
I think it's a shift in our priorities. And people drop hundreds of thousands of dollars into an education, some they don't use right, So it's like I think that it's a culture shift as well into looking at how we treat our families and family building, making that okay, taking some of the shame out of that, you know, encouraging people to be resourceful work with their clinics, ask their clinics for help, right, because there are so many clinics out there that are willing to consider that.
Right. What do you want your biggest takeaway to be with your book?
I want women to allow themselves to trust that if they have the desire in their heart to be a mom, that it was meant for them, that everything can change on their journey if they allow themselves to really lean into that belief, I honestly believe that they'll become more resourceful, they'll see opportunities everywhere and to trust themselves. You know, getting pregnant having a baby is one of the most
incredibly feminine things we will ever experience as women. It's a beautiful thing, and it's difficult to do that when we're stuck, you know, trying to conceive like men. And I know that makes that's kind of a funny statement, but it's something that we say, you know, are you
trying to get pregnant like a man? Allow yourself to have this feminine experience by getting in touch with your femininity, taking some of the pressure off, allowing yourself to rest and to ask the people around you for what your needs are so that you can get that support and I see this time and again, Janna, that the more women lean into their femininity, this is not about gender roles, it's about feminine masculine energy. But they allow themselves to receive.
They drop the shame, they drop the competition, that they allow miracles to happen in their lives.
And that's my.
Prayer for them.
And that's what your fertility superpower is.
Well, right, absolutely, absolutely, it's like if we just allow ourselves. And this was hard for me. Look, I mean as a prosecutor, it was hardcore in my masculine right, like constant do do do Well.
You're surrounded by dudes too, so you had to kind of I'm sure you had to put on a very strong exterior.
Yeah, And I really want to encourage women to like say, you know, look, because if having babies and being having these feminine experiences were pass you wouldn't have women in their forties scrambling to do it. Sure, it's part of who we are naturally. So I think encouraging women to trust themselves at a higher level, lean into their faith and allow people to support them, like it's incredible.
What can happen for the woman that feels like she's not a woman that because I remember that's how I felt when I miscarried so many times. It was like, I'm how do I even call myself a woman? Like I can't even have a baby. I can't you know, I'm broken. I'm the one to blame I killed my baby, you know, like because I had a you know, a you know, a hemorrhage or whatever it was. What do you say to that woman?
The number one thing is, let's let's dial that back a little bit, sister. Let's have some compassion, because no woman would ever wish that experience on another, the devastation and the heartbreak, and it's one of those things where instead of completely crucifying yourself, you've got to have some compassion.
I mean. That's another aspect of femininity that I talk about in the book, is like, we have to relearn compassion, Janna, because we've made making mistakes or having our bodies do things that we hadn't expected, like in a miscarriage or you know, I've worked with women who have late losses, like very late losses, and it's our first instinct is to blame, I mean, which is part of the grieving process.
But we've got to make room for more compassion. And you know, I think the impulse is to tell a woman, oh, that's not true and all this. You know, we have to respect where she's at in her grief process, but when she's ready, is to remind her that she's a good person. There's no way she would ever consciously create that and remind her that she deserves compassion and forgiveness of herself, her body and things like that. I mean, that's the first place I would go, is compassion.
Yeah. Well, I am so thankful that you came on the podcast to talk about your book that's coming on August, The Feminine Fertility Cure. Thank you for everything you do. There's a lot of women that will not only love this book, but get a lot of tips and hopefully have their rainbow babies. So thank you so much for coming on the show.
And thank you Jana. Thank you for bringing this topic to light and using your platform to do so much good.
So thank you, No, thank you, girl. I appreciate you.