Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Topaz Adidas. He has a new book out called The Twelve Questions for Love, A Guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships. Let's get him on, Topaz. Where where are you recording from?
You're Aguay. I moved here two months.
Ago, so you're living there?
Yeah? Yeah, I lived in New York eighteen years.
Why did you move?
Well? First, I moved because I met my wife in Mexico in Gualajaro, had two kids four to one year old. And then the big question, you know, do I how can I contribute more worth work? And the other big question is how do I prepare my kids for a future that we have no idea what it's going to be like. Those are the two things. So then where do you If you have the luxury of choosing where to live because your business is online, sure, then choose
a good place. So we I researched five countries, I went to many places, and I checked it out and I ultimately ended up here.
Wow. And do you feel you said? Two months you've been there?
Yeah, I'm stoked.
You love it. Your kids love it.
So far, so good. I'm just in a I'm just in the I'm in a honeymoon. I'm in the honeymoon stage. So anytime i start hearing like bad things about the place, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no no, I'm in honeymoon stage. Don't piss on my parade. Right now, we're good.
I felt that way about Nashville actually just until the last year. And I've been here ten years, but yeah, this last year. Man, the traffic, I'm like, okay, and I don't want to be one of those bitter people, so I'm trying to stay like, but I'm with you.
One of my rules was I want to be able to drive around and not hit one stoplight, Like, no stoplights. I can drive forty five minutes here, I don't hit the stoplight. I'm just stoked.
Do you hit anything else?
Trees occasionally? You know? I have my heart broke into Nashville? Is that what you guys are right now?
Yeah? And I didn't do it. Go ahead, I'm helping you. And she didn't either. No, No, I don't know. I was like, well, I was like, wow, this is getting deep.
Bast that was quick. Are you guys in Nashville.
Now are you live in Nashville?
Ya?
I'm sorry you got your heart broke here?
I know.
Is that why you have now your twelve Questions for Love, which is a guide to intimate conversations in deeper relationships? What did that relationship not have the deepness there for you?
No? That was the what was that? That was the high school love moving into college? You know, I think that's the kind of a cliche, is and it it's like your last year of high school, you fall in love, and then you both go to college long distance, you try to keep it together, and so many things are changing and growing.
So well, what are some of the questions from the book? Like what he says, twelve questions for love? What are some of those? Is each chapter kind of broken down in a question or.
Yeah, we have three parts. So one is about creating the space. Okay, two is here the twelve questions and why they work and what threads of relationship they pull from. And number part three is just here's how to tackle problems that come up.
So what is one of the big questions that what's one of your favorite questions from the book that you think is great couples.
What's the pain in me you wish you could heal? And why?
What's the pain in me you wish you could heal and why? That's a great question Light topics with Topaz. Yeah, exactly, Holy mackerel, that's a great question.
I don't know if you guys have i' assume you haven't seen our videos, but our videos have been around for now eleven years. It's called the and, and the and is about the space between because relationship is not you or I, us or them, it's you and I, us and them. And basically for the last now and eleventh year, we bring people in relationship, not just romantic but any kind of relationship. Best friends, grandparents of their grandchildren, brothers, sisters.
We have them face each other. We film it with three cameras, a wide shot and two kind of tight over the shoulders, and then we ask them really powerful questions and they have a conversation, and then we always show you it's on YouTube and all that you see both their faces at the same time, and it's just a really powerful format. And so the editor, who had been a fan of The Skinny for years said, Topez,
what are the strongest twelve questions. You know, what have you learned from this experience of holding the space for over twelve hundred conversations to be had, And so that's what is in the book. It's a distillation of that.
So everything I know comes from that, from witnessing and holding the space for conversations between all kinds of people and all kinds of relationships, and how to really create a moment in a space where you can deepen an explore relationship and really illuminate your connection to them, which then makes you feel even more alive, right right.
It's interesting because I was we just had a little connecting two day get away together at this treehouse called Bolt Bolt from treehouse just outside of Nashville is beautiful. But on the table they had these conversation cards. It was connect and reflect and I was looking at the notes that you also have some kind of card game. But from there there was questions and it was it was detailed relationship questions, and that was we were when we were riding back home, kind of reflecting on the
time spent. That was my wi I said, that was my favorite part, and that was also his, just sitting there and asking each other these different questions from from the card box because there was things I learned. There's things that you know, reminisce the first time seeing each other and just we got to have those like flutters again, you know, yeah, yeah, So what's you do? You do you have a is that the do you have a card game?
Or what is that?
We have twelve we have twelve different We just released Motherhood and for moms for Mother's Day, a digital edition. We have twelve physical ones. We have a number of digital ones, and we're very good at making really good questions. We're actually one of the I'm not going to say the first because obviously there's many before, but in this last wave, because we've been around for ten years, we're definitely one of the early adopters and creators of these card games that you see now popping up.
And what do you think is the hardest question to be answered in a relationship?
Well, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is that ask a question that starts with is are do all those questions? If you start a question with is, are or do then you're setting up a binary answer.
What do you mean?
Do you love me? All? We're still in love? So the only if you start with is are a do do you love me? Do we fight too much? Anything that starts with those three let words, the only answer you can give is a binary one. It's yes or no, we do we don't, right, And I think what people miss out is that the answer is shaped by the question you ask, and we so focus on the answers that we don't realize the power is in the question. It's only the question. So if I go, why do
we fight so much? That's different. That's not a binary do we fight so much? Yes? No? Where is the moving for inspiration? But if you go if you ask why or how?
Yes?
Yeah, exactly where does that go? Where does that go? And what information does that actually give you to work off in your relationship? And so you know, in the book, I talk about the five things that really make a quality question when you're in a relationship. So one is don't make it binary, right, right, And there's a number of things, And I think that's what makes our questions really good is also what creates the space for expiation.
I mean, for instance, you and I assume you said we meant you and Allen went on a weekend getaway, right, So the thing about those card games. Which is great is that just by virtue of a game, it created the space because what if the question give me what was like one question that was really great from there.
Remember, okay, one was like, uh, what how do you think we like something about like handling conflict? Or what is what's been the hardest thing we've had to work through as a couple.
So if you if he comes home one day and he goes, Janna, what's been the hardest thing that we've been working through as a couple, out.
Of the blue, and how do we overcome it?
How do we overcome it? You would not be you would not wonder if he just came out of the blue and he asked you that question or you asked him, he would not wonder. You guys would not be wondering about the answer that question. You'd be wondering where's is coming from? Right? So the very first thing about anything that's creating the space, it's the intention. And card games do that. You know, here's a book, Hey, let's play this game. Let's ask the twelve questions. Boom. That creates
a space. So first you create the space by putting out intention, Hey, let's have a conversation. Hey, let's play this card game. Then let's ask really good questions.
That's so interesting you say the space piece, because that just happened to when we were on the way home. We were almost home, I mean maybe ten twelve minutes to home, and he goes, what do you think we do the best as a couple and what do you think we need to work on? And I'm like, Jarry, I was like, I was like, well, do you want to do you want to start? Because I feel like you might have something that you want to ask first,
you know, or it's just or say first. So that's interesting about the space because though I love talking about that kind of stuff, it did kind of catch me off guard.
So right, that would do the same thing for me.
Yeah, so then you're stepping back and then so what we want to do is create How do you create the space in a simple way? Doesn't have to be heavy handed in this. You just like, Hey, I'm gonna play a card game. Hey, we're gonna just ask these twelve questions. Hey, let's do a game now where you just create a question and I'll create and we'll just
go back and forth make enough questions. So therefore, you create the space and the permission to give an answer, and maybe even more important for you to receive an answer. If he comes home one day and goes, Jannah, I love you more than the sun and the moon and dada da, and he just out of the blue tells you why he loves you so much, you're not really going to receive it because you're wondering where's this coming from?
I will say in Allen's defense, so he's always like every day he's like, he'll say something that I'm just like, I don't know. He's he loves me very well, and it's beautiful, but I see but if anybody else in my past would have done that, I'd have been like, what.
Did you do?
Yeah?
Was she?
That's where my mind goes.
Even when you're like playing that, even when you say that scenario out loud and you're like he just comes home and says I would be like, what were you up to before you got here?
Exactly exactly? And even for you general like Ellen, the reason that you accepted now is because he's established that as a thing. Right Like, when he's very first did it, you might have been, wait, what is this? And then when he establishes this is.
My character comfortable. Yeah, I wasn't used to it at all.
Right, but now because he does it repetitive and the it's almost a space is created by virtue of the practice, right, so now you can receive it more than you would otherwise.
I just really wish I would have known about this book before I paid thousands of dollars and a couples intensive two years ago, because it's essentially what we did in there. And granted it was a beautiful experience, but it was like, so much of what we've missed in our ten year relationship is just connecting because he's on the road and then I'm home and i'd be have babies, and it's it's literally been brand new babies since we started together and then away from each other two hundred
to two hundred and fifty nights a year. So when we sat in a room for three days and he was not on board, I married the most redneck, handsome country Like, he's like, baby, why do we gotta go drive into Nashville fighting traffic just to go sit and talk about feelings? But like when we got in there, he was so open and there were tears and it was like, because we've never created actual space for ourselves more than an hour long at like a therapist office,
you know when, And that's kind of triagey. You're like bandating things that need like a deeper dive at that point.
But this is like.
Absolutely this book feels to me like not only is it added to Kart by the way, but I can't wait to tell you. I know I love add to KRT thumbs up. I just think it's so important and it's the framing of questions and and if I'm honest, I will. I've lived my life in fight or flight and survival, and so I am working really hard in the last year specifically just receiving without being defensive, like
not living in a fence. I'm because I'm so guarded that I'm like, everybody, check your sh at the door, and then I'll tell you if you can get through the gator. Now is your name on the list? Unsure? Right, But these kind of questions open it in a different way where I can actually like receive what he wants to say to me. And I want to ask him those questions because they're not questions he can you know, these are questions we can't ask in a turkey blind, Dopez.
We're out there hunting and it matters.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
It's special.
Yeah, it's special. And one thing I want to so one note is where do we learn this? We learned this by modeling our families and maybe our friends. I've learned it because I've done it for the last eleven years by watching all kinds of people in conversation. And that's what the offering here is. This is a way to easily learn how to do this having these dartic conversations that deepen your relationship, which means it'll deepen your life. These are people close to you, right, I mean your
love with your partner. You then have this conversation for two two days. I'm sure you guys left that feeling not just more connected, but you felt more energy in your life because of the reflection that you get from your partner and the conversations you had. So that's one two. So that's why I think this is really important. What work that we're offering that I'm really honored to offer.
The other thing is I really appreciate you saying about the vulnerability, because I think it's really important for us to recognize and not confound safety with discomfort or safety with comfort. A lot of us feel, Ooh, I'm uncomfortable, therefore I'm not safe. Were holding a secon We can be safe and uncomfortable, and matter of fact, that's a great place to be. I'm in a safe relationship. I
feel right, But I'm right now tackling an uncomfortable issue. Well, there's a lot of things for us to grow from tackling this uncomfortable issue together, right, And then if you feel unsafe, then we'd also don't want to be uncomfortable. Right, But if you are in a safe relationship, then this is a great vehicle on which we should lean into discomfort because this, on the flip side, discomfort is where growth is correct.
Tell me what it was like when you met your wife, because I can't imagine someone is an intuitive and introspective as you like, what's a first date with you?
Even look like?
I mean, dude, right, questions on the napkin?
What's the pain in me that you like?
I don't ask.
Question?
No, definitely not. I mean, that's the thing too, is in the book, you know, that's the peak climax question and Jenna as a filmmaker prior to doing this work, very familiar. Three actor in this case is a five acts structure. So you establish a space in the connection of the past and the basis of our relationship. With the first three questions, the next six to three questions we start leading into conflict and tension. How do we
handle that differently with these three other questions. Then we go to the climax, then we start appreciating each other what we're learning, and then we land the plane with resolution. So there's a structure to the question. So obviously on a date, I wouldn't start off with, hey, what's the pain because also I could ask that question, but what kind of answer am I really going to get? We're just on the surface. You have to build the architecture to get to the depth or get to the peak,
so that there's safety created. There's a a safety created space creation so that we can go discomfort. I met my wife when I was forty two. I remember living in Williamsburg, New York, thinking and I was always looking for the love of my life, if.
You will, hopeless romantic, hopeless romantic.
But I hit this point where I said, you know what, I am not going to make that commitment unless it hits me like a mack.
Truck Please tell me she's not a mac truck driver, nobepy.
No, she's a universe delivery sometimes friend.
Yeah, but also delivers in unexpected places.
Correct.
So I actually went to help my father who was sick and I'm the oldest and he's like son. I was heading down to New Zealand because I needed to get out of New York. I needed to go to nature and take time off. I just sit in the mountains in nature. And he was sick and I'm the oldest. He said, Son, can you come and help me and my wife? Just support us as I'm because I'm sick right now and like he was close to dying. So
of course I went. And I went to Gudalajara, Mexico, which is a place I had been avoiding because I just hated the name for some reason. I'd lived in Mexico before, but who knows why. And then mutual friends said, hey, you should meet these three people. The third person I met was her, and that was it. So I met my love in the most unexpected place, much like I'm living in the most unexpected place and I find that interesting.
What would you say to the person who Okay, For example, I in my previous marriage, I really wanted to do this book with my partner at the time, and it was called The Love Dare. I don't know if you've ever heard of it or not, but you go through challenges each day for a month with your partner. You write it down. It's something I really really wanted to do. Immediately turned down. Stupid idea, you know, he basically like ripped the book apart. Why would we do this? You know,
that's stupid. We'd be doing the same challenge every day l L and I'm like, just shut down. And so when I got into this relationship with Alan, it took me a second to go, hey, i'd and not the saying we need to right now or it's a have to, but I'd love to maybe one day read a book
with you. But it took me that's something like this, right, So I would love to do this book with Alan, But it took me a while to even have the confidence or the courage to ask him because I didn't want to be turned down, because I think there's so many people that are listening there, like I'd love to do this, my spouse would never and then I would feel, you know, turned down or rejected. And that's the worst feeling that we can feel as women, is that rejection.
And you don't want to feel it inside your own house. So what would you say to the person that is wants to do this but feels like they might have some resistance with their partner.
So that's a wonderful question. I have two thoughts that come up. One is just in general about if there's something that you want to engage with your partner and you get shut down, then what's core to that is the ability to have a conversation about the shutdown, not about the thing, Like it's not about the book. It's about the shutdown. Like I have a thing I want to do. It could be X, Y or Z. It's X now, it's why tomorrow, and it's Z in a month,
but I get shut down. So there is a fundamental issue we need to talk about, which is why am I getting shut down? Right? And so the core that is the ability to communicate And because then I go the second thought, which is because oftentimes there is one person who wants to have the conversation and the other person who does not. And if we're going to go into masculine feminine energies, however you interpret, you know, we
can talk about this but non binar or not. But let's for me, I feel that there are masculine energies and femin energies independent of gender, but there are feminine energies that want to have conversations. Holistic is open, let's explore this. The masculine energy is pointed and basically wants to address conflict or challenge. So it's oftentimes the feminine energy that say, hey, let's go have this experience and
explore something, and the mask energy is reticent. But when the mask energy like says okay, we're here and let's have the conversation, then the mask energy is like, hey, waste the challenge. This is a game. We're gonna win it. So I'm actually going to really go there. Kind of like you were mentioning about your partner, why are we coming in the traffic in Nashville, and then he was in it. He was expressed because he's okay, we're doing this,
then we're going to do it. And so for any energy, any person who's trying to invite their partner in and the partner doesn't a we need the core ability to say, hey, this is important to me. Can we set the time to do it? And secondly, and this is on you who's inviting the other person, is you have to let them be who they are, meaning if they don't want to answer the question, they don't have to answer the question.
If they don't answer it the way you want them to answer it, there's articulars you there's an emotionally connect as you you have to accept that the fact that they're in it and that they're being who they are is a thing that we need to as the ones who are inviting others into the space to allow them to be and be who they are, and hopefully in allowing them to be who they are, they can step out and practice something new if they're not particularly practice
and emotional articulation. Does that Does that make sense? Like, yeah, yeah, you know, and I understand because I think, yeah, that's just I have people who say, well, my partner doesn't really want to play this fair enough, whether there are other things they also don't want to play with or do, and you is there are there other dead ends in your relationship that you can't talk about. How do we explore that? How do we The only way to explore
that is we have to practice communication. We have to practice creating the space to have these kinds of conversations. That's why I think the book is important because it shows you how to ride the bike and how to create the space and how to ask good questions so that you can explore it.
Sure, my therapist, she's she said, and I can't remember who the guy is, but she said, there's a study where this guy can tell within like five minutes if a couple is going to stay together. Because if if someone says something in the couple and that other partner leans in, it's like so it's like, oh, like one day I want to get a lake house. And if the partner's like, oh yeah, that'd be fun, like they're going to work. The couple that's like, oh you're crazy,
Like a lake house. Really, that's going to be so much money. The person that leans out, like they don't make it.
It's interesting because I my husband and I have been through it music industry marriage, right, So like, I mean, it's just tough.
It's tough.
Any marriage is tough. Any marriage in twenty twenty four, is you know whatever. But I remember sitting with our first couple's therapist and he at one point this might actually make me emotional, ways say it too, but he I remember him saying to us. He was like, you too, are breaking my heart. He's like, because you love each other so much and so fully and it's so on
a soul level. And he's like, yeah, it hasn't been built the way you would rebuild it if you could, like you know, he was like, it's gotten messy, but he's like, it breaks my heart because it's all in. You're both so all in, but you're just all indifferently
and you're not hearing each other. And it was just like that moment was such a to see someone from the outside in a vulnerable space see us that way, and it felt true and honest, you know, like it hasn't been perfect, but it's so when he was like, you two, you're breaking my heart. You guys like you I know, like he could see it in us, And I think when you create books like this, you create the opportunity for people to put the walls down. That
is like what most people are. My husband is, you know, doesn't want to be that emotional guy. It is now more so, but like a middle kid wasn't heard growing up, we learned a lot about that and are intensive and how that has translated into his world and what he's been good at. He's clung too, But I don't I want all the pieces of him.
Right.
But when you create books like this, you give opportunities for my sweet hunting husband to just sit with himself and ask me things and get honest answers from guarded had to grow up too fast, Christen, Right, it's a really special thing you've done. Do you and your wife do this with each other?
Still?
Do?
Can you repeat the book?
I'll tell you the truth. I for me, I'm very much classic masking. So if we're gonna if you're going to ask me a question, I will give you the truth, like the my truth as I see it all the way. And that could be pretty intense.
It's New York. I'm not gonna lie. It makes me a little intimidated, right.
So, but I'll tell you when we play the game, it's when we don't want to, when we don't want to talk, when something comes up and you're like, God, damn it, and you're just like and you can feel in the room just and you're growling at each other. That's when I go to the car game and I pull it out and I open up and now it's
like lubrication. It just starts because it's a random question, right, So like if you're in a conversation with your partner and you're asking the question, instantly you have more power because you are asking the question, you're saying, we're going to talk about this. But if it's random out of a car game, this is it's like a neutral person.
It's like a reset though too.
It's a reset and it's a random question that then opens up the space and the questions are shaped so that they don't grant power to one other person. So, and this again goes to the shape of the question, why do you think what do you think is our biggest chance? No, what is our biggest challenge right now? Okay? If I ask you that what is our biggest challenge right now in our relationship, you are then in a position where your answer is saying this is this is
the biggest challenge objectively. But if I just add do you think or do you feel? That makes it subjective? It's like, hey, what do you think is the biggest lands. And now I'm already not combating you because that's your opinion. I go, hey, what is our biggest challenge? And you say it's this. I go, no, it's not, it's that. Wait a second, if I just change a question, what
do you feel? What do you think? Then it's say that's your opinion, like, oh, interesting, because my opinion what I feel is this, and you see how it creates less conflict and so just the shaping of the course. That's why the random cars are really helpful, or my questions that we create my team and I are really helpful because they create the space to have a conversation where you could really explore and not be confrontational per se and also constructive. So that one, what do you
think is the biggest challenge in our relationship? I would then add at the end of that, what do you think is our biggest channel? What do you feel is the biggest challenge? And what do you think it is teaching us? Because then it's also taking the challenge, giving off empowering and just the thought about what's couple's therapy, which I think is great and I've been it before, but the thing about a couple therapy is that the therapist is holding the space. The therapist is the one
asking the questions. The therapist is the one who is the referee. And that's great and it's important because sometimes you need a therapist to guide you to certain places. Absolutely, but what's also a really important relationship is that you both can hold the space. And that's what's great about
the questions. It's like we are here, we're both asking these questions that we're coming tout of a card or in the book, and we're sending in each other's space and we're holding it for each other, right because otherwise you don't want to get used to we only have our deep conversations in therapy, correct, Because so you want to practice having the deep conversations where you're both the mutual referees, the mutual SpaceHolders of your relationship. And that's
why it's actually not important about answering the question. What's important is holding the space to ask them.
Well, that is brilliant, amazing. Can everyone get twelve Questions for Love?
Uh?
Wherever books are sold? And then where can we get the cards to abez?
It's on Amazon? You can find them all on Amazon and also the skindeep dot com.
What are the cards called, because I'm going to Amazon right now.
They're called the and card games. So type in like if you type, if you type in the skin Deep card game, you'll find it because the skin Deep is the name of our studio experiences I studio, and the and is the name of the product. But just the end is so hard to search because it's like, good.
I got it, and there isn't this one the black with like the really pretty.
Yes, the pretty cool, meaningful. I can get it overnight seven and I'm going to order your book too. Do I want the long term edition?
Get the long term? Oh?
Long term?
Long term? Well, just because you've been in it. And then you can also get the Healing which is great. It's like a mixer.
I see you're busy at the card.
There's also and then but if you go to the skin deep dot com, that's where we have our digital editions, which you can get right now and download. They're not physical, and those are great because we just created the mother this one and the Motherhood.
And there's a dating edition as well, Healing Edition, so you guys, I'll check it out. Friend's Edition, Family Edition. Oh, Jana and I will get the Friends edition. We'll be doing it on on the podcast. We should do it for the podcast and then the book. I'm putting it on there right now.
I'll be back on after you. Okay, your partners, and your partners will be like this guy. I want to talk to this guy because this guy really put me in the hot seat.
We have Well, I'm ordering your book right now too. So thank you for coming on. I appreciate you.
Thank you both.
You're wonderful. Thank you, Bye bye friend.