Thursday Therapy: How to Be Alone

like I used to. And I think a lot of times too with the girls. I was just talking to my best friends in Los Angeles and you know, she's like, I'm finally happy alone, and I'm like, that's when it's all going to click after that, because you're changing a part of like your patterns and behaviors, and you're not going to fall back into something bad because you just miss someone.

you internalize it. It's hard not to. So. You know, when I wrote How to Be Alone, so much of why I wrote it was I didn't have I felt like there were all these messages about what I was supposed to have, what we're supposed to have. We're all supposed to have perfect families, which, by the way, you just get randomly assigned a family you actually don't like. If you have a great, if you come from a great, loving, wonderful, stable family, you don't like deserve that you randomly got

like everybody deserves it, you know what I mean. But there's all these messages that if you don't get that, it's because you don't deserve it, something's wrong with you. You're unlovable, and you're going to internalize that even more. And because we don't talk about anybody who isn't lucky enough to get randomly assigned that, you know, which was I say?

And I want to emphasize because so many of us feel like we did something wrong if we don't have this perfect, loving family, if we don't have these perfect, magical friends, if we don't have this perfect partner right away. And I had internalized that, and I was like, everywhere I look, everybody is posting all of these like best mom in the world, best dad in the world, best sister in the world. We're never separated, we've never had problems stuff on social media. I don't relate to that,

and I feel like I'm the only one. And so so much of writing how to Be Alone and talking about these things was at the time I hadn't read anything or seen anything that reflected my story of experiencing that kind of like, well, where am I supposed to go? I don't have this foundation that everybody allegedly has and because of that, finding out that because of that, making friends was harder because if you don't have that foundation,

everything is screwed. It's so hard, and you have to kind of go through all of these messages because that's really I just really learned that that's where it all started, was whatever messages that you got as a kid from your family, extended family, the people in your life that has molded your brain. And some people got very lucky, and they got so much self esteem and confidence and believe, you know, belief that they were worth everything, and so then they you know a lot of times then they

only they didn't settle for anything less than everything. But the rest of us didn't do that, and we were set on this path or we had to uncover all this sticky stuff. So uh. And the beautiful thing about How to Be Alone was that when I submitted that book to my publisher, I was genuinely terrified because I'd never seen anybody talk about this really heavy stuff, and I was really worried people were going to be like, what's wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal

like us? And I still to this day, you know, the book's been out a while now, and I still to this day gets so many messages on Instagram from people who are like I thought I was the only one. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I didn't know anybody else felt like this. It's like changed my life to realize other people can feel like this.

So I think that's a big part of not feeling alone, really, I think is knowing there's other people who have walked similar paths, and when you feel like no one has walked your path, it's like extra alone. So part of why I wanted to write this was, yeah, share the

things that I knew. And one of the biggest things that I talk about in the book is really realizing how much of what you're going through right now, the people that you're attracting, you know, through no conscious fault of our own, are really often based on those templates that we had when we were really young. If we were around people who treated us like we weren't worth anything, well, guess what, who are we around now? People who treat

us like we're not worth anything? And it's not that we want that, And that was something I really wanted to dispel because there's a lot of like, there's people out there who have kind of a toxic positivity spin on it, and they're like, well, just get rid of them. Well, people who had a really rough upbringing can't just get rid of them, because that's what we're used to, that's

what we're weirdly comfortable with. We know how to deal with not getting enough, we know how to deal with, you know, always kind of feeling short changed, always, you know that kind of sometimes even abuse or neglect, we we understand it. It feels familiar, and so we kind of don't realize the water is getting hotter and hotter and it's burning us enough to like get out of the water. We're kind of like, I can stay in

this a while longer. I'm really good at, you knowwithstanding this. So, I think that so much of the work of being able to be able to be alone, be able to be on your own, develop a friendship with yourself is to not hate the parts of you that are different than what you're being told you should be. Because that was really big for me where I was like, oh, why am I like this? Why can't I just be

like them? Well? I had a different story than they had, and how do we instead of judging that, how do we have compassion for these things we went through that you know, maybe didn't make us like other people, but maybe made us better in some ways, maybe made us more interesting in some ways, maybe, you know, and kind of looking at myself the way that I would look at a friend, Like friends of mine have been through a lot of pain and trauma and survived a lot

of stuff. I don't look at them like, oh my god, what a damaged freak. But like that was my kind of internal voice, like, oh, I'm never going to not be alone because I've survived too much. But I never looked at other people that way. So I think a lot of it is sitting with that discomfort, because a lot of people, when they keep choosing, you know, they

don't want to be alone. They're avoiding it. What we're really avoiding is that conversation with ourselves where we admit how much pain we're in and the patterns we can't find our way out of. Where did they start? So

it's a lot of that inner work. But you know, I'm sure you related to this as well, when you start to realize like, okay, but chasing this happiness, this love from this other person that's not working, and so you kind of hit that breaking point where you're like, all right, I think I have to choose myself because I keep just replaying the same pattern over and over again. We have to like fix what's going on inside of us.

and you know, it's better. It's better than us to saying like this is this is But I'm like, no, actually, that was the best thing that ever happened to me, like once I got through the really hard hard times because it was woodbwished on like a worst enemy. And also I love my new life so much better. It's

it's like a wild thing. But like that is what I thought, Well, it's better than you know, it's better than being alone and having a divorced family, because that's also what's been embedded in our brains too, and what we are literally supposed to or've been told to believe that that's what it is.

of and the same thing with family, like you know, I internalized like, well, you only get one family and you don't get any boundaries, and you got to just put up with whatever they do. Hell no, no, all of these messages are wrong. And you know, when you can kind of look outside yourself and say, oh, some of the pressure I'm putting on myself I don't even agree with.

could you not like that? And my daughter started to get upset. I'm like, baby, what's wrong. She's like, I just like, I feel like sad that, like I'm the only one that doesn't like something that like my other friends like and Jace likes. And I'm and that's when I'm you know, that's when she starts to feel like she's not normal or something's wrong with her. And I was like, no, no, baby, and I was like that

just made me think. I'm like, thank goodness, I at least noticed that and then corrected it to be like it's okay. I was like, you know, I love to run, Alan doesn't love to run.

be normal, be normal, be like everybody else. Even in so many ways, I've always been different. I've always been, you know, march to the beat of my own drummer. But it's so funny that even as adults, there's still these moments that are just like everyone likes that singer or that movie or whatever. You don't like them, what's wrong with you? Like what? I can make my own choices.

for me? And so many of us are doing that because we are told like, well, we're told mixed messages, right, We're told from like the kind of girl boss you deserve more. We're told the like, don't settle for that. That's crap. He's a piece of crap. Like just this kind of like look for any little thing that you don't like, and it's a red flag. Everything's a red flag. So we have that, and then we also have well you got to give someone a chance. No one's perfect,

you don't get everything you want. So we're told these really differing.

they can't offer that. I think I see so much second guessing and so much you know, in the in the book I talk a lot about I interview people from you know, different ages, different backgrounds, all these things, and have different stories from all these people about the mistakes they kept making over and over again. And the thing that I saw was so much second guessing and so much second guessing of our own self worth that I fully related to where you just start to think, well,

what am I allowed to want? What am I allowed to need? And then also, and this is something I've talked a lot about in in all my books and all my work is like this idea that we we've internalized, that idea that like we're supposed to be a chill girl who has like no needs and is down for whatever. And I, throughout my entire career have railed against that because I personally think that women are almost always settling anyway.

You know, every woman that I've met, everyone that I've talked to, is already like you know, you talk to so many men and they're just like, it doesn't matter who they are, what they're bringing to the table. So many so I'll give some added context here. I do a comedy show called Tinder Live, where I like go on my Tinder and I swipe through the worst, most

chaotic profiles. And I've been doing it a long time, and the number of men's profiles that I see that are like, first of all, you better be a ten. You better shave every single thirty seconds. No kids, no fed. He's like this list of demands while he's bringing we have no idea what he's bringing to the table. And there's so many men who have this like wild confidence. Even if he looks like a thumb, it doesn't matter, you know, and has like three dollars to his name.

He still has this list of demands and you better bring it if you want whatever he's offering, which I think is like a pulse. And then women are like, well I would kind of like this, but if he doesn't have it, it's okay. Like we're so used to telling ourselves to not be too picky, not want too much, so I you know, that's and that's just so much of what I saw when I was talking to people where they're like, well, he did this thing. I thought it was kind of scary, but maybe it wasn't, you know.

And I think that's so much of what and it doesn't have to be as extreme as that, but like that was kind of disappointing or I kind of wish he'd done this, but oh well, And that's where it starts. That's sort of like we're settling from the beginning because we don't want to be alone, you know.

guys out there, I'm like, why would you expect? Why would you It's like it's a mind blowing because I'm like I am I was that girl to be like, well, it's not that bad, right, I'm like no, it's actually really bad, Like he should not be sending you videos of him like doing disgusting things with x Y And I'm like no, like that's not a man I don't know.

in common. But we have kind of internalized that, like, well, okay, there's a lot of red flags here to me, but maybe that is him. Because we do see these romantic comedies where it's like, oh I hated him at first. He was the worst man I'd ever met. That he was my soulmate, what I guess, But like I think we you know, like, yeah, that happens sometimes that's your soulmate. But I feel like it's like being struck by lightning. That's probably not your soulmate. Is somebody who you think sucks.

But I think that all of these things, you know, contribute, and the timeline of it. Women feel like, oh, I'm running out of time. I should have this, and the cycle of comparison of like, well, my friends have already found people, but like, you know, one thing that I really want to note and that I talk about in this book as well, is like some of those people might divorce. You don't know if their relationships are good, your comparisons, Like all my friends have people, Well, how

good are their relationships? And really look at them, and do your friends have a good relationship? Is that a relationship you'd want? Again, just kind of looking at the sure that we're putting on ourselves, I'm you know, it's so important to me to remind people that I do think that if you are meant to have a soulmate, if you're meant to have that love relationship, which I think most of us are. It'll happen even if you set standards, even if you say no such a point,

nothing that's meant for you will miss you. I really believe that. So if you see that guy sending those videos and you're like, ough, not for me, He's not for you. And it's something I wish I knew so much sooner, you know, which is so much of my work where I'm just like, how can I spare other people the stuff it took me so long to learn?

But I will say that, you know, having a really great friend group is also such a great thing to be able to have when you're dating. Because for a lot of my dating life, and I don't know if you had this too, I didn't have really great friends. So I was kind of looking and so many of us do this. I was looking for my romantic partner to be like everything.

don't have anybody to talk to about it. Now you're in this bubble where it's just you and this other person. If you can't see clearly, you're gonna stay in that

relationship so much longer. So I think it's it really is this hierarchy of like you have to get be okay with being by yourself, really shore up those friendships because also the biggest thing that I learned when I started having better friendships is it was harder for me to set up because I was like, the friends that I have in my life are bringing me this incredible energy, this incredible love, this effort, They're bringing all the stuff

that I would want from a partner. Now, if somebody comes along in my dating life and they're not giving me that, please, I already see that this exists in my friendship. If you can't be as good as my friends, yeah, I don't need it. I don't need it.

that is a red flag. And I say that might sound simple, but if you're used to we are so socialized to not listen to ourselves, to second guess ourselves, to tell ourselves, you know, we're being too needy, too picky, too much of this. We're not, you know, just let it happen, let it unfold. Meanwhile, we're feeling really bad in this situation. We're feeling you know, uneasy about it, and we tell ourselves that that's just because we've been

through some hardships, some pain, some trauma. I don't think so. I think that when you know when it is a good person, they're like a good person for you. They make you feel pretty at ease most of the time, even if you have a lot of anxiety which I do. Even if you have an anxious attachment, which I talk a lot about attachment styles and things like that. You know, when we have those struggles, we tell ourselves that, well, everyone's making us feel uneasy. It's just us, it's just me.

I don't believe that, I really think, and that's not saying that anybody who makes you, you know, feel a little bit anxious cut and run. I think there are conversations that can be had, but I think that you know, looking really looking at how somebody makes you feel, and you can verbalize those things. And so then I guess that brings me to the next red flag, which would be if they're not willing to give you what you'd need.

And I say that because in so many of my relationships, friendships otherwise that I've had, I've told people, Hey, I really need consistency from somebody. I want to know that when you say you're going to do something, you actually do it, follow through. All that stuff is so important to me to feel like I can trust somebody.

with the bath water. We don't want to, you know, detonate an entire relationship just because of this. But again that goes back to the like, how does this make you feel when you've asked for something and told them why you need it, that you need it, and they're okay with letting you down. Why are you okay with that with somebody who doesn't care. If you are now feeling extra anxious, extra discounted.