Swiping Right with Chelsea Handler

I don't have the kids. You're trying to Yeah, you don't have the kids, your pack every second of the day. I take advantage of your lack of responsibility. But I have so much responsibility. But like, so what do you what do you fill your days with? Oh? My god, therapy, lash, appointment. I have to work out, I have an audition I have to do today. I've got a meeting. Catherine and

I have a meeting. Um, I answer my email. I haven't answered any of my emails because I've been running around town doing therapy and this and like and so I'm like, I feel like burnt out now now and now it's like, okay, now I want to say breath. And then there's idiots on the road, I'm like, no,

I start to get a little road rage. So you're not one of those people it is late for things, because I know, like this woman when I work with on the morning show is always late, and she claims it is not just being irresponsible, it's actually a characteristic some people have that they don't understand time the way other people understand time that I don't. That makes no

sense to me. I don't I agree with you, but she claims this, and so I'm wondering if that's if there is because we don't we all have these people in our lives. They're always late for stuff. Is it a trait or is it just blowing stuff off? See? I find it very disrespectful personally, Like I feel like I just disrespected y'all's time with me being late a few of the times. And it really bothers me because I I think that's a good trait to to be

respectful of people's time. So I'm someone's late, it's like, hey, this is my time that you're not wasting. Oh yeah, drives me crazy, right yeah. And I don't think I could be with someone that's a late person, like it would drive me crazy. I'd get really frustrated. Uh, it does take some adjustments. But people, some people think that, oh I need to be there at noon, it's a ten minute drive. I need to leave at eleven fifty. And it just doesn't work that way. There are too

many other factors in it. And you're only at the door, and oh, I should go to the bathroom quick. I'll let me grab a mask, or where are my sunglasses? And suddenly you're late. Probably wasn't enough time anyway, people, we are late. That was not enough time. It takes you thirty minutes, not ten minutes. It drives me crazy. I want to get back on this topic. But we have a really special guest in the waiting room. Her

name is Her name is Chelsea Handler. I don't know if any of you guys know her or not, but we're gonna take a break and then we're going to get her on. Hi. Hi, how are you fixing your hair? You're so beautiful? Stunning girls are beautiful. How are you, Chelsea? I'm good, I'm good. My voice is a little lot raspy. I had a show this weekend and I lost it. So that's a great way to kick off my tool. Not being able to talk. We um. So I had the privilege of being on your show. Was it five

years ago? Yeah? I think so. Do you know, I just have to give a little little t on do you remember what happened? So okay, So I'm obviously so excited I was. I mean, you know, I'm a huge fan of yours, and so I get asked to, you know,

come on your show. And this was at the time when no one knew that my It was when no one knew that Max and I were separated and he was in rehab, and so you know, I'm trying to like come on your show and like, you know, be positive and you know, not like because I'm dying inside right Like I'm I'm like literally want to cry and then all remember and like my like you are like

a piece of my like divorce. Because the second I get off stage from my public says pulls me into the you know, the Chelsea Handler dressing room and she's like, we need to talk. Do you remember the conversation. We actually knew before you went out there. We just so you didn't ruin. We already started dealing with it. It's fine, but yeah, well you want to want what was the conversation again because I like tried to block it out

of my right. I think it basically was when he the story came out, yeah, that my husband was a sex addict. So it was like that was breaking in the chelse. I was like, you know, like I just feel very bonded to you, even though you have no idea the story. But well I do now, my god, Yeah, we are bonded. I'm glad that I can facilitate a breakup though part of one part of the memory of

a breakup, right, I mean, breakups are so hard. They're so hard, but they're so good, you know what I You mean, like breaking up when it has to happen, it is so hard. But I always I remember reading somewhere Gosh which book was it, where it was like, you know, any time you're in a state like that, when you feel like your heart is breaking, and instead of that despair that we all feel all the time, to welcome the pain, you know what I mean, Like

I remember reading welcome the pain. Welcome This is an opportunity for growth, an opportunity for growth, And it's easy to say, but it's harder to apply it to your life. But when you are able to take a painful situation and be like, there's a huge lesson here. This is okay. I'm okay with the pain, I'm okay with the discomfort. The sooner you absorb it, the sooner it passes through, you know, is a good way for for people to

think about it, I think because that helped me a lot. No, that's that's a really good advice, I think where it was so last night I got a d M from someone and was like, hey, not to trigger you, but and I'm like, oh, here we go. Why why am I going to continue to read this? But they sent me photo of my ex husband with a new girl, and it was the first time that I have seen

him with someone else. And like that's weird too, you know, like to see like your person that you were you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with now canoodling with like this cheek checka chica whatever. And I'm like, it's like remembering that, like that person wasn't good for you. But then it's that this is all good. It's so it's so hard to even like, um, you know, um, how do I say that? Like it's it's hard to even tell yourself that too, because in

the moment, you're like, why wasn't I enough? You know, how do how do you deal with that? Well? Again, it's just like you know, it's it's it's again. It's like welcoming the discomfort of where you're, where you are at in that moment because like everything, just like the highs don't stay high forever, the lows don't stay forever.

Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent at all. And that's, you know what we've learned, even more so in the last year and a half, going on five years of this of this pandemic, and what feels like five years, you know, it's like enough already with this, Okay, we're all in touch with Jesus now or whomever your Jesus is, like, let's wrap it up, um. But I think I think for any situation, it's really important. We talked about this on my podcast a lot. Dear Chelsea, is like, you

just have to be okay with the uncomfortable. You have to be okay with the devastation. You have to you have to learn to accept it because anytime you resist anything, it persists. Right if you say no and you're or you're like I don't want to move with that, or I don't want to change, or I don't like change, Like you're just perpetuating the friction and the sufferating, the suffering,

sufferating and making of a new word. That's what's just what one days are four girls, um you and so not resisting it and accepting it even when it's not news you like, helps you get through it quicker. It's when you deflect and you drink or you smoke, or you distract yourself that you're putting off the inevitable, which is kind of which is pain, and pain is part of the process of living, you know. Unfortunately it's just a matter what your responses to the pain. Are you

sure you're not a therapist? I mean, like I am. I think I'm a medical practitioner. I've prescribed medication all the time to my friends cannabis. I mean, my podcast is like a self help podcast, which I did as a joke but it turned it's too It's like very serious. People call in with real well, I mean, you're you're you're you know what you're saying is I'm like, yes,

Like that's that's exactly what people need to hear. So obviously like you've you've done your work, and I love that you talk about therapy too, because I'm a big

therapy advocate. We have therapists that come on here, and um, I think therapy has been one of the best places that I've learned so much about me and who I want to continue to be and things that I have to change and grow and so I just you know, I've I've I've always looked up to you, but also how vocal you've been about therapy has been really cool too to see. Oh well, thank you very much. I

always just like to share my story. So whatever I'm doing at the time, if it's one night stands and to talk about that, because you know, drinking and party, it's going to be that. And when I went to therapy, I just thought, oh wow, you know, I've made a

career out of oversharing. This is actually something that's valuable to share and with people because how many people can really afford to sit down with a therapist like I did, you know, to two times a week for a year and really get to the bottom of what you're where your anger is coming from, where your impulsivity or your impatience or whatever your issues are so I mean, I it was a great transaction, right, paying someone to tell you why you're a bitch or why you're you know,

where you're coming up short in life is a great transaction. And I wasn't taking it lightly because I looked at it as like a project. I was like, Okay, let me get my head sorted out. That will probably take a year. I'll take you know, I'll take a year off of work and do that, which is a luxury and a privilege. So when I got all that information, I just thought, how many other people and women feel like I do? You know, how many are going through

something similar? And you know when I wrote I wrote my book, I did my last special based on that book for HBO Max called Evolution, And it's all just tied into that kind of like, yeah, I went through this, and you know, and I came out the other side. So it's really it's it's and I take it. I took it so seriously, like you know, I was taking notes in therapy. I was like, okay, wait, wait, wait, okay,

this makes sense, this makes sense. And so it uh has helped me a lot become a much softer, gentler bitch. I mean, and I love that. Is there anything that you still feel like because I feel I know that, well, we always evolve and there's so many things that we have to continue to grow and change, not change, but continue to grow. Is there a place where you feel stuck, because sometimes when I go into therapy, there's this one

issue where I just feel stuck. I feel I felt stuck there for the last thirty years of my life. Um stuck. No, I mean, it's always for me. My exercise is always about reacting, right, Like, I don't want to be react if I don't want to fire off an email where I'm pressing down on my phone like a lunatic that you see walking through the airport, you know, somebody's like, like, I don't want to ever be reactive in that way because that was my signature dish without

thinking things through. You know, people would say, oh, you can write the email, but don't send it. It's like, what I'm not doing that. This email is already out. I already replied, and but when you do do that, you realize you don't need to send that email cares you know, It's just about for me, it's about changing my reaction to things. And saying I'm sorry when I don't necessarily feel like I did anything wrong. But I know to be a bigger person now, and it's not

about right or wrong. It's just about compassion and understanding. Some people are going through a more difficult time than you are, and sometimes it's the opposite, and you want that compassion to be held for you. But with with what you're saying about being stuck, I think you only get stuck when you have the same reactions to things that you did before. Yeah, is it a hard balance for you because as a you know, comedians like you you, Um, it's like you're you're wanting to be funny or not

wanting to be funny. You are funny, You're just you're just naturally funny. But where it's like you have to there's like two sides of you and it becomes like maybe not confusing, but I don't know the right word to say it is, but um, like a challenge to be to be like, oh, oh sorry, I was just trying to be funny or that came off wrong, or do you feel like you have to apologize for for

acting you were saying something? Well, I mean I think you kind of marry like you you you have your personality right, and then you get the tools to understand how your personality affects certain people, right, and so you basically want to marry those two things. So in the beginning, when I went to therapy, it was all about not over talking, not over inserting myself, not being so aggressive, not being in your face. So I overcorrected, and I

go to dinner parties and I was basically mute. Like I would just sit there and be like, don't talk, don't talk. You don't have to be the life of the party. You don't have to be the center of attention. And then eventually people are like, Okay, this isn't fun either, like what's your plan and are you gonna have? You kind of have to take all the tools you you know, you learn in therapy and then applied them to your old personality so that you have this new and improved

personality and you don't lose your edge. I mean I still have my edge, of course, but it's it's a nicer way to go through life without having to be like did I say something to offend somebody or you know, I mean listen, To be quite honest, I wasn't thinking that much about how much how offensive I have been in the past, so it's nice to think about it now when I'm not as offensive, right, No, that's get

that for sure. I can't. I sometimes have that issue where I'm I'm so um sarcastic that I am like, oh crap, I shouldn't have said that, or I don't know, yeah, sorry, it's okay, it's fine. Best friend so she's like, yeah, you have been kind of chy, but I don't mean to be like I think I'm like trying to be funny. And then I'm like, oh, just like yeah, um, you know. My therapist at the other day she goes she basically said like, I'm not your pastor I'm not your you know.

You're like God, She's like, I need you to usually you have to confide in your friends with some of that that you're telling me, because if not, you're going to continue to repeat the patterns. And she's like, because I I don't see you every single day, I don't know what you're doing. I don't see I just see you,

you know, once a week or every other week. So it's like, if you can't acknowledge some of the things that like you're either doing wrong or that you want to share, like you're not gonna grow because your friends can't hold you accountable. I thought that was like pretty interesting thought too. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're basically moderating your behavior, right, or modulating moderating You're you're basically mitigating

the damage. Right. You're thinking about how how to be how to hold yourself accountable, right, because you don't want to be relying on this therapist to hold you accountable or your friends. You want to be accountable like now, I know sometimes I'm like, oh, I want to like things cly out of my mouth a lot, And now I'm like, don't say that, Like it's not necessary. It might be funny, but it's not necessary. You don't need

to prove that, like, you know, in this moment. And that's been a really great, like kind of direction for me because I just it's nice to be able to edit yourself and to be like, you don't you don't have to be make yourself be funny in this moment. I don't have anything to prove, you know. It's always kind of ego driven when we do that, and once you can identify, oh, this is me acting in my ego instead of acting in compassion love, blah blah blah. Then you're like, Okay, I don't want to do that

all the time, you know. And when I'm on stage, I go off because that's what people want, and I have a lot to say, and that's a good place for it, you know, ranting and raving about the state of the world or the state of men and why they can't understand what they did was wrong for the last you know, well since the beginning of time. Um and uh, you know you can that's a that's a great um medium for that. But you know, in real life, yeah,

it's always about breaking patterns. And you know what the great news is, it takes so little time to rehabituate yourself. Like it's so it takes like three or four days of doing something every day before it becomes something you want to do. And so that's what's the good news is, like everyone is possible, has the possibility to change. I know I did, and if I did, I mean I'm a hardhead and I have very strong opinions. And you know, all of my friends and all of my family have

seen the change in me. You know, I went on vacation. This is a great example. I went on vacation with my family like two summers ago in COVID. The first COVID summer, we went to Martha's Vineyard because everyone had been locked in their houses for like the last six to eight months. I was like, let's go to Martha's unior for two weeks instead of one. And that was a mistake. My family on vacation for two weeks with my eight nieces and nephews. I wanted to blow my

brains out by the end of the week. You know, I've been working very hard in my life to remain childless and alone for a very specific reason. So I don't know what I was thinking, but it was it was. It wasn't good. So I left that vacation and I was like, you know what, I've had it like if these And I wrote this email to everyone, to all the kids, to all my brothers and sisters, and I was like, here are the rules moving forward. This vacation is not required or you know, you know, um a given.

It's a choice I make every year, and it's an expensive one. So I need to make sure that everyone says please thank you. We look people in the eye. If there's somebody working at our house, you don't walk past them without saying anything. Blah blah blah. All these just like basic remedial reminders of how to be a

human being. But but the first draft of that letter was like yeah, you know, you like don't and then you know, and then it went to like it went through three four drafts, and then it finally was like, dear family, like I love I named every one of them, and like, you cannot, I love you. It would be impossible. But moving forward, we have to we have to, uh, you know, behave a little bit better and a little

bit more gracious. And I went through, you know, a list of things, but just just from therapy like that letter would have been, and it was received so all. By the time I sent the real thing, my whole family was like, oh my god, we're so sorry. You know, we won't we don't ever want you to feel that way after a vacation and and blah blah blah. So that was a perfect example of me being able to kind of edit myself, you know, and say it with love instead of saying with anger. And how good does

that feel? Too? Because like I I know that I've I'm doing. I'm really trying hard to make sure that I do things differently this go around with you know, just everything in my life, and it's been nice to I even I'd called Catherine um uh the other day and I was like, I just did something right for the first time that I've never done before, and I just had to share it because I'm actually proud of myself, like how I handled the situation that I normally would

not have handled like that in the past. Having said that, though, I do feel now because that was a while ago, I do feel like now I'm in a place where I kind of want to get back out there and date slowly. So what is your best advice to getting back out there and dating in the world slowly? I mean, I don't know if I should be giving anybody dating advice.

I mean, my track record isn't that great. But like you're happy though, that's the thing, right, Well, I'm happy because yes I am, I am happy, but I have a happy disposition and I don't have the other thing, like I wake up and I'm pretty like rare and to go, um, then that's also part of your personality. And you know what I learned on One thing that I learned in therapy was like, hey, you you're born

with a personality. There's nothing you can do about that, so you need to lean into it and embrace it, right the best parts of it. You're not going to change your personality. I still have the same thoughts I used to have. I just don't act on them and I don't respond to them, you know, I'm just like, oh,

I'm not necessary that kind of thing. So so it's always about I think, embracing all of the great things that you have and highlighting those, you know, Instead of embracing all the qualities you have, you could just kind of look at yourself and you know what works for you and what brings people in and what spreads kind of like joy and sunshine, and operate with you know, with that more in your front feet then in your

back feet. I just wish I was more like E though, because you say, you know, I mean, I'm obviously I love my children. I would never take that back. But when you say that, you've you know, you've your whole thing was like, you want to be childless and alone, but do you really, at the end of the day want to be alone? Are you trying to find that

person to be with you? Yes, I would be with someone, but you know there and I am with someone right now, and there is like yeah, but they have to be in addition, they cannot subtract, you know, there can be

no subtraction. You cannot be a distraction in a negative way, because I've been in those relationships to where you know, everything is about them and everything is about your relationship and you're so obsessed and you're so that's great and all, but not when it has like a kind of a negative when there's not trust or there's not respect, all of those things. And so now I'm with someone, yeah, and I and I'm you know, it's new, but it's

a much. I mean, I'm so different that it's like I'm in control of the situation instead of the situation being in control of me. How do I how do you do that? Because that's what I need, because that's where I'm like, it's now I feel like I'm in this, you know that not I don't want to play games. I don't want to. I don't know how to. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to date. I mean, it was married for seven years.

You know, I don't remember, and I don't want to be the twenty year old dater that I was, Like that was right, but I mean, I don't know, are you opposed to I mean, who would how would you date? Would you go on like Riya or would you have friends set you up? Like what would be your first inclination? I mean, I'm I'm open to I'm open to all things. All my friends are married. And you know, you're not the first person who's been single and doesn't remember how

to date. Like this is everyone's story, right, So you all you have to do is just start the action of doing it, Like it's one step, one little baby step takes you to the water. You know, you just have to make the move to do it, Like go on, Ryan, I go on a date, even if it's just for practice, like practice dating so that you get better at it, and then it becomes not a big deal and it's not like this mountain of like, oh my god, I don't know, I've never been on a date before. It's

not that serious. It's just dating, you know, and when you fall in love, yeah that can be serious, but that's also you know, you just again. I mean, it's like my view about cannabis, like I'm in control. Cannabis isn't in control of me. I'm in control of cannabis. Although I do have a good story. Yesterday my friend was over and went into my refrigerator to take some lemonade and uh, and she came out and she was like that lemonade is so delicious, and I was like,

I don't have lemonade in my house. And it was cannabis lemonade. And she drank half the bottle and and she had taken a suit offen because she had allergies. And so then we went to lunch and she just literally was her tears were streaming down her face, and I was like, what is wrong with you? I what I forgot about the cannabis, of course, And first of all, no one should go on my refrigerator and think that they're going to find something that's not spiked that's on her.

We went to lunch and she's just she's like, I don't know, the suit of fed is acting so weird. I don't She's like, I'm getting so loopy. And then I saw her grab a French fry from the basket of fries. When was a whole plate of French fries on her plate, Like her plate was filled with them. And I was like, wait a second, I know that you were high. Wait how do I get more food that's already in my mouth? How do I get more of it? Um? Yeah, So she had a rough day

yesterday and I was very happy to be her support system. Um, that's just a little side story. I love that, you know. Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to start smoking weed to just chill the Yeah, you need to chill out a little bit. You need to get some or take some microjose And you don't have to get we doesn't have to make you blottoed like that. You can just take like a blueberry that's five milligrams or two and a half milligram mint. You know they

have those mints. What are they called? Um? How about this the next the next time that um I come, because we we went and saw you and zany As. Was it last year? Yeah? I think it was. It was after it was after COVID or no, wasn't before after COVID was before? Okay? Yeah, we me and my girls we went to to go see you and um,

it was an amazing show. But next time you come back to anis or wherever tea back, um, I will I will hit you up and be like, okay, like you have to be the first person to like help me with that. That's trying, not that I do. I'll take care of you. I'm very good like that. I'm good with people in there and and first time cannabis users. Okay, great, because I'm gonna be like, am I gonna because I'm such a I'm not a control freak. Maybe I am. I don't know, but I just don't like to be

out of control. So right right, that's called a control freak. Yeah, it's fine, fabulous. Okay, So you are on tour right now? Are you an horny? That's my tour name, vaccinated and horny stop? But I love it. Are you freaked out at all about going back out because I know some people are canceling shows and stuff, which, yeah, I mean vaccinations are required at my shows, so you know that's

basically the deal. And they're all with Live Nation, well not all of them, but you know Live Nation and made it a requirement for any ticket holders to be vaccinated. So no, I'm gonna go forward with a tour. Like said, I feel really strongly that this is just such an important time to be showing up for people and giving

them something to laugh about. And I know it is a scary time with COVID, so I'm we're just taking it one day at a time and if things get really really bad, I mean, luckily, my audience is mostly vaccinated, you know. I most of the people coming to see me are are doing that. So but we will definitely, you know, take it day by day. But it's just fun. I opened the stand up Barbara Bull this weekend for the first time in two years. It was their first show.

It was so beautiful. They had this big blue moon you know, out and then when the sun went down, it's this huge amphitheater. It was just the vibes were just so good that I was like, oh my god, I just cannot wait, you know, to do this, and I'm going to like, I'm going all over Ohio, Florida.

We'll see, Yeah, they're gonna love you in Florida. I know you have to find your little liberal pockets and progressive pockets, but I think like anything goes that's what's so great about I feel like being a comedian and I don't know, because I'm not funny at all, but like when it comes to like you guys can say what every like, you don't have to be politically correct.

Like That's why I think it's fun to go to those shows too, because it's just it's so nice to laugh and then even around things that you can just say whatever you want, like how freeing is that? Well, you can't say whatever you want because you know you can't do that anymore. And I like those parameters. You know, we're not making fun of people anymore just for the sake of a cheap joke. You're it's forcing comedians to be a little bit more clever and a little bit

sharper about their material. And I welcome that challenge, like I always want to be challenged. First of all, I'm a complete hot mess, chaotic, So if you have give me boundaries, that's great because then I can go into that little plate then and just blow it up, you know. So I like, I like any sort of like um, like um, how how would I say it? Like you know, when in school, like when you when they give you like okay, these are the rules, It's like okay, okay, okay.

If I have the rules within the rules, anything goes. So that's kind of how I operate at my at my best, probably I need a little bit of like, um, you know, responsibility enforced upon me. And then where can people get the tickets at? Actually you can get him at Chelsea Handler dot com. You can get him at live nation dot com. Yeah, and then your podcast, which is, um, like what can people expecting to listen to your podcasts

and therapy sessions? Like you said what, well, basically yeah, it's just basically like what you and I just talked about, people call in for well, I it was an advice podcast because I just love Dear Abbey when I was growing up and reading that, and I was like, you know what, they wanted me to do a podcast, and I was like, I just have to think of the right thing. And then I thought, you know, I'm like that in life. I'm always the advice giver or like

the crisis manager. I I thrive in a crisis. I'm able to go in and like, you know, handle it and help my friends stand up and be a little bit braver and a little bit stronger. So we've had some really meaningful calls or callers call in. One guy called in he was getting high way too much and felt like he he had lost his tolerance. And I was like, why don't you take thirty days off and I'll do it with you, And we both had like

a thirty day cleanse of like no pot smoking. And at the end of the thirty days he called back in and he had come out to his family as trans I mean clearly he was just smoking pot to just you know, not feel not feel, not feel. He had come up to his family, he came up to his friends. I mean, his whole life transformed in thirty days.

And it was like wow, I mean, so those things, you know, when people kind of come back and check in with us and let us know like the progress they've made or if they've acted on the advice we've given. And but it's all basically about self esteem, and you know,

comparing yourself to others. You know, everyone gets lost in this game that we're all in where you look around and you think you're not good enough or pretty enough, or smart enough, for funny enough, because somebody else is doing something a little bit better or different than you are, and you know that's that's ego too. We all have to just like that's not healthy, you know. I don't want to sit and scroll down TikTok or Instagram for an hour a day. I don't want to be like that.

I want to be present. I want to be Chelsea Handler right now, right, I just all, I just I've appreciate everything you've said, and um, I I love you and I want everyone not to go out intee your show and I'll obviously promote all of it at the end too, but just thank you for coming on and sharing your wisdom and your weed and everything else. So anytime, anytime. You're so sweet, And if you know anyone, you know, I'm just hook a girl up. Okay, and you're in Nashville.

Is that where you are? Yeah, but I'm willing to travel. Okay, there are some hotties in Nashville, so you shouldn't have to travel too far. I'll put the word out with my feelers. Okay. Thanks Chelsee, you're the best dating dating girl ever. Um, You're the best. Thank you so much, Chelseie, Thank you. Girls. Have a great day. Girl By she's so funny, you know, it was the funniest is like one of the things is the emails. I that is so me. That is like me to a t because

you have family. But it's like I feel like I have slight like a little better in the emails where I don't because my thing is and I think you can definitely attest to this, but I'm like, that's absolutely not happening. And then I'm like, and then I'll send another one, and then another one and then another one and then so it's like five emails. It's like, why can't I just take a second collect my thoughts and

then put it all on one email. It starts with I do that too sometimes, but it starts with absolutely not. It ends with I'll do it right now. Just wait? Do you literally just waked? Because Katherine's always like I need you to redo. I'm like and then it's like and now I'm just yeah, that is true, I am doing that. And then you're great, I'm proud of you. Thanks,

But I'm trying so something. This is gonna be so stupid, not stupid, but um, I was in church yesterday and I really wanted to stay because they were doing did you go No? They were doing um this and this is this, this is like such a squirrel moment and I apologize and I don't know, maybe maybe someone needs to hear it. I'm not really sure the Lord of speaking, so I'm here for it. No, but um so I

I don't know. I think getting back into the because here's the deal and Mark, you'll love this because this is and we'll not juicy. But like, I think I'm at the place now where I'm actually ready to put my feet back out there. And it's not because I saw a picture of Mike moving on. It's not because

of this. It's like I just I know that I still have a lot of work to do, but I also am like I'm I'm I'm I'm open to it, knowing I still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm open to dating and like finding out who my person is and who like and not like knowing

that I don't have to be with someone. Um that I'm okay alone, Like I've gotten to that place, like I am okay alone, but that yeah, like I we all know, I like companionship and I'd love to find someone that can I can have companionship with, but they I need them to check all the boxes at the end of the day, like there's I'm not going to continue on something, which is you know what, I just I'm not going to do that. Okay, I get you said.

They have to add they have to be added value to your life, right and if not, like, there's no point in me keeping someone around if I don't feel like they're going to be the end alb all, because then I'm just it's it's just not fair to them. It's not fair to my healing process. It's not And then that's just repeating a pattern that I would have done in the past. What's the time frame? Where are we right now? How long has it been that you've been on your own, um, like a month or so?

Like I mean like since Mike, yeah, oh since April so um April made so four months? Are you signing off on this being ready to find someone? I'm not saying like and I think seriously like I wanted to late slowly, I wanted to date, but she's not. She's never been a great data. That's what I'm saying. Like, I'm not I'm gonna go I Well, here's the thing too, when are we going with this? We started with church,

never get to church. I'm just saying like I I'm not going to just continue to hang with someone if not like again, like I'm okay to like snip things off like I have, Like if I don't see it going, I'm not going to write back or I'm not gonna I'm just it's I don't have time. I've got kids, Like I'm more worried about the other way. I'm more worried about you all of a sudden, being head over heels's the greatest. I can't do that, which I guess I have done that in the past. Yes before, Yes,

my marriage before, Yes, I have done that. Why I've been very clear about that. But now it's like I've got kids, I've got responsibilities, and I need to be careful with that. And also someone said this to me. They're like, you need to stop putting yourself on trial,

like they need to be on trial. Yeah that's good. Yeah, And I thought that was like so interesting because I was telling her about a situation or somebody or whatever, and she was just like, you are the prize, Like you have to stop putting this person like you need to opening yourself on trial, like you need to look at what did you do wrong? What like what I did wrong? Like am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I successful enough? Like it's like, you know, no, no,

are they going to fit into her life? Are they good enough for you? Like? And I've never looked at it that way, and it kind of and and so

that leads into them. My church thing was because I just started to feel, you know, especially seeing the stuff with it's not easy to see the acts with somebody or whatever, and so I started to be like, man, like I'm not pretty enough or I'm not good enough again, and so um, I went into church and I'm so glad that I went, but it was, um, they did do this thing at the very end of like for the first time. They're like, we don't usually do this, but like if if you can stay, um, it'd be

really nice. Um, We're gonna pray and God's gonna say something to you, whatever you need to hear. And I was like, I really want to sit here and listen to this, but I can't because I gotta bring the kids back home. So I'm like, so he's like, if you have to get up and leave, get up and leave. And like every part of me like wanted to stay because I'm like what is my message? God? Like what are you trying to tell me right now? Like what,

like what what is it? And because I'm just like wanting that, like that answer or like what he's like wanting for me. So then I was just like I can't do it. And then I think I didn't even want to hear it. So then I was like, okay, I gotta get the kids because we went to the

later service that day. So then I come out with the kids and this random girl just stops me and she's like I just have to tell you that you are so beautiful and that you are just so worthy of love, and I was just like I literally started bawling. I was like how did this? I was like holy wow. It was like the coolest like experience ever. Like I just like started like she's probably like what why is she going? But I was just like it's what I

needed to hear. And then I walked away from and being like, you know what I am like and I don't need to like saddle, I don't need to like I'm good either way. And I think that was kind of like my turning point where I was like, okay, like you know, I am like someone will be lucky one day to be with me a man. I think we can all agree on that, for sure, I know, but I'm still like I have little asters like and I say that, and I'm like, well, you know, but maybe like I know, and then I let it, like

the voices creep in again. Stop there. But this woman is a fan. She's a fan of your work or what. How does she know you? She doesn't. She just saw me walking out with the kids and she was in one of those um like one of the helper ladies or whatever, and then she just randomly stopped me and said that I've never seen her before. I don't like, I just know that she she had like a little tag on, but like she didn't need to stop me. I think God knew you needed to hear, but you

weren't going to stay And that's something he put her message. Yeah, but anyways, I thought I wanted to share that. So that's cool. Listen to listen to the messages that people send you because it might be a higher power message. Did you want to get back to the habitually late topic that we were talking about earlier. I actually would love to because I I honestly that would be a

deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with someone that would would be always late because I could see me just like fighting with the person that would drive me crazy. Like that's going to be one of the boxes. If you can't do it, I'm on checking the box. Yeah, I'm here for that one. To these people, I think you're stretching. I think that there can be very good if a guy checks every other box, but he runs a little bit late. I think like five minutes or

like an hour. There's a big difference. I would say five to ten minutes regularly. And it's for that same reason he starts probably getting out of the house. Oh my gosh. She gets halfway there and he realized I had trouble getting out of the house for like serious, I didn't. I'm sorry, but like what, well, that's a

very good point, patience. Meanwhile, you've gotten all the kids stuff situated, and you're like, yeah, you probably kicked out his clothes, right, like no reason, I don't know, but yeah, I think it's a respect thing. So and I apologize for being disrespectful this morning and rushing, but I have overbooked myself on this day. We were we were always thrilled to get you whenever we can get you. And it wasn't a terrible thing. And also it's not like

we're sitting in a studio waiting for you. We're houses anyway, so it's no big deal. I mean, but still I don't like it. It's an anxiety and I'm like kind of like, how kind of feels okay? Fine? But it's okay. It's better than the old days when we heard their running a leg and we're like, oh, they're fighting me a tough one today, poor mom. Those were brutal and for everybody involved. God, I'm so much happier, and so

just keep any emails. We do have one actually, yes, is from Oakley, which by the way is a fantastic because it could be a girl or a guy. I don't think i've ever heard that name before anyway, great name, Oakley says. My husband and I were going through a

rough patch for about a year. We went on a friend trip with about eight of us to Florida, and when we got back, I found out he had kissed my very good also married friend, a drunken kiss that they both snapped out of, and we're like, this cannot happen. Given the loveless state we were in, I chose to forgive him because my friend was also at the lowest of the lows in her marriage, suffering from almost the

same thing. About a week after I found out, working through issues, arguing, anger, etcetera, my husband invited that friend to a bar to t talk about everything and basically vent to her that he's losing his marriage and what should he do. They talked and my friend ended up telling me that the next thing she told me that she kissed him again as they were leaving the bar. This was early June and I'm still working through everything with my husband and my friend. Do you have any

advice on this? I feel, Oh, there's so many boundaries broken, like there's no reason. Well, okay, the first part is just wrong, but the second part again going to a bar afterwards, Like there's that so many boundaries broken, Like there's no reason that they needed to go back to a bar to have a conversation. You are inviting trouble, You were inviting something bad to happen, and that's so disrespectful on both of their sides. I would be pissed

at my friend. I'd have a hard time being friends with her because I like, no, I I there's no way, there's no way I couldn't do it. No, No, she's not your friend, right, I mean, how is that a friend? You wouldn't I mean, not one of my friends would do that, not one, No, never, that's never. Okay, let's start with the drunken kiss. Now. I feel like, Okay, they were in a really bad place. The other couple

is in a really bad place. I also wonder how much, because I am a non drinker, I wonder how much infidelity is preceded by alcohol consumption, because I think it's a pretty darn high percentage of my husband was stunkelds over and all of them. Okay, well that's that's and that's you. But like some people say to me, I

would never did a guy who's a non drinker. And I feel like I have to stand up for the non drinkers because I am one, and I always say, like, you never have to worry about him getting drunk and doing something stupid like this husband did. But I agree that going back to the bar with her as you're still healing from the first betrayal, I think that was a major misstep. And that was a sober decision. Yeah, that's making the decision to go to the bar alone.

Bad bad, bad, bad bad bad. And also, at the end of the day, a guy is going to cheat. And this is what I've learned. Whether they are drunk, whether they are or stone colds over, they will cheat regardless. So I mean they will, like, if they're going to cheat, it's going to be it doesn't matter how much they've had to drink. I think that's the biggest excuse. And just like you know have saying well, I've got an addiction, like no, like that. At the end of the day,

it is a choice. You are making a choice to do something that is inappropriate and wrong. And also they make a choice to they make the choice far before they actually do it. I feel like so much cheating has to be set up, and him going to that bar was making the decision to cheat. Like, I think that was absolutely his making the decision that this that who knows, maybe okay, so again, I don't know, Maybe that's everything. It's inviting a woman back to your hotel room.

Oh it just happened, going to the hotel bar with somebody on a business trip. Oh it just happened, doesn't just happen. It is set up in advance, yea. And those are boundaries you do not go back to their like no, like I'm sorry. It's like there's no reason that should have happened. And I could never be friends with that friend again. She chose to go to the bar.

I think I can't get about that, like like no, no, no, no, no no, and she kissed her like no, I'm sorry, like no, And I would not trust that he wouldn't do that again with somebody else. So and I was telling a friend this too, and this is like probably bad advice because as someone always asked, like do you

believe in the good fight? And you know obviously the book, I'm like, of course I do what I wrote, yes, having said that, when someone has that trade, that's a very hard thing to gain any trust back whatsoever, or to always wonder and then if if they for them to do it again, because if they can do that, like it's in their nature to do that again, right, kind of like the ones a cheater always a cheater thing.

And now I will say, you know, I'm like defending myself in the past, but like you know, I think again I do think people can change? Having said that, when you were in a marriage and a committed marriage, and that is the choice that you're making, Clearly something's up, and I just think it will happen again. So you have to ask yourself, do I want to be here in five years because I always think back, I'm like, man, I should have left my ex a long time ago.

Having said that, you know, we have you know now, a second beautiful child. But so it's like, yeah, sure, give it, give it a try, but just know in five ten years, this most likely could happen again. And then you're gonna ask yourself, Damn, I wish I just wasted ten years in my life. So the friendship should be over right, right. Neither of you should have any

more contact with this friend. In my opinion, he should not text her, talk to her, look at her, nothing like that's only going to be a trigger for her. How could they even possibly, you know, reconcile if they're together all the times, right, right, And so two separate things. That's the one. And then with the husband, if you want to try to work it out for whatever reason, time spends already, the kids, whatever it is, work it out. But jann is warning you you're gonna have these feelings

again in the future. And I will let me asktrict what I what I just said. I do believe people can change. I do believe people can make mistakes. That person, though, has to show up like they're King Superman and and you know, so does the other person to like try to trust. But you watch, you sit back, and you watch. If their patterns are not changing their behaviors or not changing, run for the freaking hills. I do know a few

people that have been able to change. You know, their marriages from infidelity, and you know that that man or that woman was committed to changing and doing the work. But very few get that opportunity. And now I'm now I see that. But again, if if if I would have sat back and watched, I would have seen repeated patterns. And it's like, those are your signs to leave that. I'm sorry's are nothing without actions. It's all I have to say about that. I'm sorry. I'm really passionate. No,

I'm so happy to hear these things. It's true. I'm fired up. Okay, I have nothing else to say. I see the signs leeve just saying okay, Catherine, Okay, sorry, I can just let it go. Bye bye,