Wind down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
Just the two of us. We can make it with jah Tra Yeah fine, okay, well this feels so weird. I know, it's like a a pregnant hole is missing right here so far.
I know, comes closer, literally, come to you, tiny, come a little closer.
I'm so used to.
Hanging off the end like I do at night in the bed.
You why do you hang off a minute?
I don't like to be touched when I'm sleeping, Like you can touch.
Man then Catherine ladies and gentleman's.
Sleeping, and he gets closer and closer and closer. The dog gets closer and closer, and so I have to I'm basically off of my king size bed.
You don't like being touched when you sleep?
Do you?
Like?
Who can sleep with someone touching them?
I can.
That sounds about right.
No, I mean I like my space when I sleep. Yeah, But I also like in the middle of the night, like sometimes like he'll like start rubbing my head, or he'll like grab my hand like and we'll like fall asleep like oh like like he'll grab my hand and then we like but it's like that's sweet in like the middle of the night. Oh yeah, like when when we toss our turn or something. We're both tossing her and turners.
So you're like half asleep tossing and turning, and you are aware enough to grab and hold hands.
Yeah it's kind of cute, right, I mean it's kind of cute.
Definitely nothing I've ever done. It's so cute.
Yeah, I know I haven't done that before.
Like, I just don't think i'd even be aware enough.
To, Like, I think it's just like, Hi, good, I know.
That's sweet. Hey, things she learned that.
You didn't know, but you didn't know that you were bracing for, Like just.
Literally this much of my bed between the dot he sleeps between me.
How do you let your dog sleep in your bed?
I'm obsessed with her, but she sleeps literally between me in your bed between my life.
Do you let sleep on the couch?
No?
He only she only likes my bed. She doesn't get on the couch.
That doesn't like gross you out.
I mean I have to wash the sheets and stuff like real often.
I just for some reason. I mean I used to be the persons. No, no, I used to be the person too, And I think a lot of people will agree with you way more than me one thousand percent. And I know that, but like once I had kids kids, like a dog just became a dog. You're not in my space. Get away from me, Like I don't want you on my bed, I don't want you on my couch like you stink.
Yeah no, I don't disagree with all of that in general.
Like I love Leo, love love him. I think he's an amazing dog. Lauren trained him, beautiful dog, he's a great dog. But you're not getting in my bed and we're not snuggling, like I don't want a dog dog snuggling with me, and rather, and again, I don't like falling asleep snuggling either. I like the random in the middle of the night like touch base, but like yeah, like we'll snuggle then roll over. I'm fine with that. But when it comes to a dog, like I used
to have my Boston Terrier and Sophie too. Mia and Sophie would snuggle in between my legs. Now that was like twenties, Yeah, but I could not. Maybe like when the kids are out of my house and it's like my only baby, but I'm like I want to be left alone.
So I do too, and I was the same way. But when I started having baby fever after Ramsey is when I got rosy. So she's the only one. So she was like my newborn, like my baby, and that treated her that way. And now she literally has to be up between my legs before we go to sleep. Any other dog, no, like Ranger doesn't. He'll get up on the bed sometimes will let him, like when he falls asleep at first. But like the puppy, you know in the crate, the big dog. I got a lot of animals, you.
Know, I couldn't imagine. Yeah, I mean Alan's dog Alba is here Shooberman like. But some people have their big dogs like that sleep in bed and I'm like, this is like my only time to myself, like get out.
Yeah, but like me and Rosie going there like by ourselves. She doesn't need anything like everyone else in my life.
But I kind of do get that piece where it's like, hey, you know when the kids are gone or when the kids, like when you get that they're getting older, baby fever, you're kind of like, all right, you want to mother something, yeah, and like have it be your baby.
Yeah, that's where that's why we'll get there eventually.
Make fine that.
I mean he doesn't love it, but no, he doesn't really have a choice now. And like at one night, you know, because Rangers kind of had a harder time going to sleep at night. I mean like just put him in the bed. He's like absolutely not, Like there's no way we're doing two dogs in the bed.
Like okay, no, how do you have like fucks with the dogs?
She goes in the crate too, Like, so she sleeps really well in the crate too, so she'll go in the crate. So she goes in the crate and then we put her up on the bed or sometimes she she gets a little like she freaks out a little there for the Yeah, yeah, she freaks out a little bit, like what.
Are you doing about that?
Oh?
I just couldn't have a dog staring me in the eye.
Well that is uncomfortable. The cry and put the blanket over it.
Yeah.
I don't know how this came up or how we got there.
Well, we always find a topic we do. So it's interesting, Well, did we talk.
About why we're why we're alone?
Oh?
No, KB is having contractions. She texted and she was like, no dilation, but we she's contracting, so she is on Baby Baby Baby Watch good. Yeah, but we are very excited. We miss KB obviously, but we're excited because we have Shreihely coming on the show in a little in a little bit, so we'll get her on. But I do want to say thank you to everyone who have shown love for not only the engagement but the book too,
Like it's been it's been so great. It's also been really fun to block people because the people that have just been I mean, here's I was gonna get a handful and that's okay, but like it's just been like I don't take any offense to any of it good or I'm just like it's so easy now just to
be like boo blah. But no, I think I've only you know, normally where when I focused where I would always focus on the negative, I focus on the positive of like the things people were saying, and that has been that's been nice.
Yeah, I feel like you've gotten a lot, a lot of love and I'm very.
I'm very sweet and I really appreciate it and I'm just like, yeah, with the engagement side of things, and then the you know, with the book, like it's just just feels I appreciate it, so thank you.
I'm really glad to let me say that, like because a lot of times when you have announcements or new things and people want to attack and people like it can kind of get you down, you know, and like you you've been great from what I've seen, Like I haven't. You've just been awesome.
I've laughed at the comments. Wow, like I just and then I'm like block because I don't need you to Well what's so funny though about some of these people like well, okay, so like on the engagement side, it's like I can't wait for her to be the victim of number four or you know what I mean, just like of like whatever, like whatever fine, or just being
like mean. But then I'll go I'm like I wonder if they have messaged me before, and then I go to like the message like oh my god, I love you and like that looks so cool, or like like they're so nice.
They're probably just trying to get attention no matter how they do it.
Yeah, so I was just like, well, block, but and then some were like you know, mean always I'm like, oh, block, Like yeah, because I just don't need your like negative energy. And then on the book side, someone was just like, she's like she just found love now she's writing about it. I'm like, where did you not read that? I said, this does not involve my new relationship whatsoever. People don't I say like one sentence because I went back and revised,
like one day, I hope to find love. It's like, you know, I said like something about like finding love, like one sentence.
People don't pay attention. They really don't.
But I was just like, okay, whatever, bye, Well let's get schriy helium. Let's take a break.
Hey, h hello, Darleene. It's so good to see you both.
I know it's been a minute. Our middle pregnant mama, she's about to have a baby, so we you know, want any day now. So she's she's on maternity leave from Wine down. Oh rats, woman, you got me and Kat? How you been?
Oh so good?
Yeah.
I can't wait to talk about this topic with you because the last we talked, I think I told you that I was just going to date my face off and that I thought that the guy that I was with was my one, but then he wasn't right.
And how long were you guys together for when, Like, how long did you guys date for? It was like, what was a seven years? So did I make that up?
We had known each other since twenty nineteen, so it was like several years, but we didn't date that whole time, right, And I told you I thought he was it, yes, and then we broke up. But he is it, as it turns out.
Okay, Wait, so let's go back. So you met in nineteen and then you dated for how long until you guys called it off?
Well, we did it for like a minute, and then we got back together and dated for six months. Okay, but we've been friends for like three years.
Right? What made you think he was the in the beginning? And then what made you guys break it off?
He knew I was the one in the beginning, but I didn't why. And then I thought after that six months that he was it. But you know when when you know someone is your soulmate and there's there's like this deep, unbelievable connection, but there's stuff that they've still got to do. There was still growing to do. I had big therapy and work to do that first time that I met him, and then he took his turn and now we're amazing.
So okay, So then you had the work too, like so you realize you still needed stuff to do. And then you guys were kind of like, wait a minute, like let's try this again.
Yeah, yeah, And then I broke up with him again.
Why did you meet up with him? Tell me more?
Why? Because I think he had work to do? You know the story of twin flames, you know when you when they say too. So many of us are being reconnected in this lifetime and I can't wait to hear about yours because we have we have this rule to play for each other where we really wake each other up. We advance each other and help each other learn. And that sometimes looks like coming together and then moving apart, and then coming back together and moving apart to do
the work. But I feel like we've done that core work now so we can be together in a really healthy way.
Right.
And that's something I so thought we'd talk about today, because it's that first healthy relationship after all the unhealthy ones, right.
And I will say too on that piece, like when I look at my fiance now, I don't think we would have been right, Oh, I know, we wouldn't have been right for each other any years before that, like I would have met him even before my ex him and I both would have been not good for each other.
Yeah.
Yeah, I still have so much of myself to do. He had stuff of his stuff to do. So it's like we would have not been We would have had a great romance and it would have been fun, but I would have somehow sabotaged it with my own past stuff.
He would have had his own stuff, his you know, whatever it was, and so it would have never I don't think it would have ever worked until Like that's where I'm like, the timing of things is interesting, but I would But then I go to Catherine's point where it's like, you guys, I feel like like when you hear the word soulmate, like do you think Nick's your soulmate?
And also like do you have do you then go in and out of the seasons too because of like the challenges and ups and downs in your marriage?
That makes sense, Yeah, that's a very interesting question. You know, I don't use the word soulmate that often, but I definitely he's definitely my person.
But what's the difference then for you?
I guess it's the same I don't know. I just don't use that term often.
Is it true?
Like dramatic a little bit? I mean, so I get it, but like.
But yeah, I mean, but it also is like yes we're yes we're soulmates or where are people? But it takes a lot of work, and it's been a lot and yes, I think there's been seasons of like, yes, he feels like my person, Oh my gosh, now we're not great. Yes, you know, I think there's been a lot of that ups and downs, and I just think that that's you have to continue to do work. I guess as part of that.
Well, because you guys didn't because they married young, so like they didn't get the chance to do their own work before then they got together and then both like super healthy. So it's the people that didn't do that work. It's like I could see going because I mean, shoot, when I was married to my ex, I'm like, I
don't think you're I don't think he's my person. Yeah you know what I mean, Like I'm gonna keep fighting for this, but like this isn't how it's supposed to look, this is how I'm supposed to feel, Like this is my needs aren't getting met. His needs aren't getting met like and.
Maybe I guess that's interesting because then I wasn't so sure if he was my person because we got married so young, and then we did it's safe, we were going to get divorced. And then that's when we were doing our work and realizing, wait, we are meant to be together. I don't know, it's just interesting, but it took that for us to see it, right, you know, at least for me to see.
It almost like sure, you like with your thing, then like you guys taking that break, going, oh, we just had to do some deep work work.
Yeah. And I remember talking to you all the way back, Gwen. Are we both willing to do the work? You know, because it's not that you have to leave each other to do work. It happened to be true for us in those moments. But I think ideally you come together in relationship to work on yourselves together. It's what relationship does. I lived in an ashram when I was twenty five, and I asked.
I should know what that is, but is that what is that?
It's like living with a spiritual teacher. It's okay, sterary, okay, And I said, I wanted to be come a swammy. I'm like twenty eight. I thought that would be the path to growth. What's a swaman, they said, Like a swammy is like a priest or a nun. Okay, you know. And I had grown up in the Catholic Church, and I know you're in your faith so beautifully it's whatever path works to have you find the answers that you're here to answer, you know. And I remember saying them,
I want to devote myself to the study. And they said, this is not the fast path. Meditating in a cave and doing what we do is not the fast path. You go get married and have children. That's the one because it really has us grow so much. It has us it's like the final level of growth to be in relationship.
And I'll say this too, to add to that, is like there's I'm not saying that you and your guy and mean Alan are not going to have like we're going to have our issues. Things will come up from our past, but it's how we would have handled things in the past that would be different how we handle them now. Right, So like where I would go like to just be like sabotaging, I can now go Okay,
like let's have the sit down. Let's have it, and I might not do it perfectly right the conversation, but it's it still looks different, like there's still going to be conflict in relationships. It's not to say that like just because we've met at the right time, we're going to be perfect. Like nothing has come up as of yet, like we've been able to really communicate great and have great conversations. But years down the line, you know, I'm sure things will come up. Like that's just the like
that's marriage, that's relationships. It's fighting for you know, it's being under the same roof.
It's hard, yeah, and it's good news if that stuff's coming up, yeah, because then that means that you're healing things and these things are ready to come up, you know, if you have the skills to hold it and the awareness, which I feel you do.
Well.
I just like something that I said to him, because you know, he like he's a big fix to process things, and I'm like, I don't want to hold in anything back. So if you have like resentment and like let's talk about this, like what are your feelings? And I think you know he comes from more of like you don't share feelings, and so it's very new for him to like sit down and like have those discussions with me.
But it's also I'm like, we need to do that, you know, because I'm like, I know what resentment does. It kills a relationship. So it's like I don't want that does. So I'm like, if anything is coming up right now, like I saw you get a little frustrated, would you like to talk about it because I don't want you to hold anything in.
Yeah, which is so interesting because I used to be the person that held it in and now that I'm trying to do better, I'm like, well, I'm just feeling well. He almost doesn't even know what to do with that, Like, are you mad? I'm not mad. I just want to talk about it. I just want to get that out there.
And he's like what, Like, it's just you know, you can change and you can get to a point to where you do want to talk about your feelings and it not be you fight a fight, Yes, which is hard sometimes, but yeah, you definitely can get to be.
So then where do you struggle then?
Too?
Shure like on this new path with your your one.
You know, it's so wild and I mean, we all know there's not necessarily a one, you see.
I disagree. I think he's my one, like and you do. I do. I think I think there's the I think there's seasons of people, but I don't think those are the ones. Like I don't think you get a one each season or however many seasons. I think the one stays, the one is like the one that you were like destined to be with all along.
Yeah, I feel like there are potential more ones. That's my take on it. You know that there's this unbelievable limitless ability for us to love and grow. And but I love this because I think where I'm with you right now, as I feel like mine is so my the male version of me. We are so right for
each other. It's absolutely unarguable. So where though the challenges come up are I think it was so amazing to me to see my old patterns come up in the way that you're talking about too, when we've had trauma and we've had relationships in the past that had our nervous system be so dysregulated, so up in fight or flight, and the triggers that are there, you know, are ours to work on. But it's our partner's love and generosity, you know, to know about them and to tread lightly
so that we can heal. And I think it was amazing to see how much of the old fears came up for a review with him. I remember walking through the kitchen one day and just saying, are you okay? Like I could sense, you know, I'm so hyper sensitive like we are when we've gone through abusive relationships, And he just took me in his hands and he said, I just need you to know I'm pretty much always okay,
and if I'm not, I'll tell you. You know, it was like this finding new ways to find safety, to relax into this kind of a relationship was really work.
Yeah, what would you say to the girls that like are afraid of you know, they've they've gone through the trauma, they've had the mistrust, and the ones that are like I don't want to I'm afraid to put my heart back out there because I don't want to get hurt. Like I know my reasons in my you know what I would say to that, But I'm just curious, like from your more therapeutic side of like what to do in that situation where you're like, I don't want to
get bamboozled again. I I don't want to be embarrassing, and I don't want to be fooled again. I've been fooled so many times.
Yeah. Yeah, it's such a real challenge and I think so common. You know that we want to protect our heart and build up walls around it, and you can see people over lifetimes have just built so many walls. And I would always say making a choice from fear is never the right choice. We can't make decisions from fear, and that is a fear based decision. You know, I'm going to avoid and I think there will always be hurt, So it's making peace with life is full of that.
And this was a big lesson for me over the years and all my working with people. You know, I've never met anybody really amazing who hasn't been through a ton of pain. And the lessons and the transformations that we go through, what our souls are here to experience, really have to come with pain. I think trauma and pain are coded into our childhoods for a reason, and so to make peace with that means that you will
be able to know the deepest love. You know you and I've talked about the needs before, and these needs for certainty and uncertainty. If somebody is really really fighting for certainty, they're never going to have the epical, you know, because big fat love is messy and it's it's vulnerable, and like we're both talking about, you have to bring your heart out, talk about it, talk about the things
that you're holding in there, and that's that's hard. If you're really wired for safety and certainty in ways that would have you never really know the depth about love. So I think it's just being clear about the decision you're making. If you don't want to ever get hurt again, you put a lid on that, then you put a lid on love too.
That just seems so sad to me too, Like I don't I don't want to be the girl that's like, okay, just because I've failed, but I've also like I've tried and I've loved and it's like I didn't want certain things to end and like you, but it's like I would hate to be like, all right, well I don't want to try again.
Like that just is like, well, it's interesting. I was just thinking about the beginning of this relationship. I can remember having a conversation with you because it was like, I want to not put boundaries up essentially and not be afraid not but like you were struggling with it at first because you were scared. Yeah, but you don't put those walls up where that's very different from people.
You think about it and you you struggle with it, but then it's like, you know what, I'm just going to dive in and if I get hurt, I get hurt, you know, and a lot of people I wouldn't be able to do that. I mean, I'm queen of walls. But like that's why I think this relationship could work so well for you, because you were like, I'm scared, but I'm just going to jump in.
Because I could have missed out on like such a great love. Ye if I didn't absolutely go for it and really try and like bring my best version to myself. If he doesn't want to show up the best version, well that's on him. I'm going to show up the best version that I can be. And you know it's
still not anymore. But like it was scary, you know, going, Well, I hope I hope he's who he says he was, because I've you know, I've just been before like not the truth, but I gotta I gotta just I gotta believe in my gut that I know a little better this time. And if not, well.
Yeah, oh and if the end is yeah, if the end game is to know great of if that's what you ultimately want and there's fear in the way, then that's where we get help. You know why I had to take that time to do em d rart work, you know, or healing or we have these talks, we have each other to sort through those fears. I'm just I'm not a fan of letting things stand in the way of me and what I want.
Yeah, there's a I know. I don't want to quote her because I I don't I don't want the headline of it. But she's a reality star and she basically was like I paraphrasing, like I've been hurt so many times,
I will never love someone again. And I was like that's sad because I'm like they shouldn't get the last Like you deserve to be loved, you deserve to try, and like, yeah, it might not work out, but like I promise you once you get healthier, like you're going to pick healthier if not, like, well you know, at least you know and move on and think I just feel like it's that.
Don't you think it's why we're here though, I mean to love. It's one of the main purposes I think of being a human being.
Yeah, And it's not like you don't have to like and I'm not saying like being a relationship is like whatever, like I found happiness with that blah, Like yes, one, And I still think you shouldn't hold yourself back from trying in a relationship just because you've been hurt. I get being scared. I totally understand, Like I get it, And yeah, you shouldn't like you shouldn't like it's just you know, like you said, we're here to love and we deserve to be love and to love.
Yes. In the Book of Joy that Dalai Lama wrote about and Desmond Tutu is incredible book about how many horrors they've been through, I mean just horrors.
I'm a horse.
What oh okay those two or is it just me?
Did you hear that too? Yeah? You never know what the.
Horrors of being exiled from your country or being held in jailed, or being threatened to die. You know, all those things are actually what taught them joy, that those were the doorways to knowing great love and joy. So I think that's just what gets misunderstood, you know in this crazy ride that we're on.
Yeah, I know, and I I you find out more too, like from those relationships, like the worst some of the worst relationships that I've been in, the lessons that I'm like, oh man, like really they become such teaching moments too, to like what you don't want. So I'm almost sometimes grateful for them.
Yeah, I mean, and not even just in love and everything in life. I mean, like you make mistakes, that's how you learn from them. It's just like kids, you know, growing up. They make a mistake, they're going to learn from that, They're not going to do it next time. I mean, it's just like how we're wired.
Yeah, how is your it's even with things like does your ex husband like the guy?
Yeah, completely great. You know, we're we're still great friends and he's actually finally in a relationship too. So it's such an amazing thing, you know, just to see how far we've come.
Isn't that so great?
Oh? God? You know that's what I'd love for people to know is if you are listening and you're in that place where it just feels like there's no way out, you know, where you and I both have been through so much. You know, there is I think something to this world that is kind of a natural and perfect order towards goodness, towards growth, you know, and if you
just keeps showing up. I mean, we just kept having all the talks, and we just keep showing up for the kids and knowing that we're in this to you know, be a modern family, like I alway said I didn't want to have the broken family, like a really cool modern family. Then that's that guiding light that ultimately brought us here. And it's not without its ups and downs, you know, at all. Like kids go through their different phases and it pulls on us as parents in all
kinds of different ways. And I'm moving in now, so we're changing like the whole structure of.
The wait, moving in the house, moving in with.
Your with my man and does he have to Yeah, but we're older kids, you know. His are twenty seven, twenty nine and mine are eighteen and twenty. So it's a a whole different phase.
Sure.
Yeah. How are your kids doing with all of it?
Oh, it's great, Like they're everything's great, Like they love Alan, Alan and Max. I mean Alan and Alan and uh Alan and yeah, Alan and MYX have a great relationship. I mean, you know, everything is good, you know. I mean, and we have been able to Max and I've been able to have when stuff does come up, we're like, hey, can we kind of talk this out? And you know, we still have our moments where you know, we get frustrated, and but we're able to communicate in such a better
way now. So that's been nice. And it's just we've had more respect out of our marriage than in our marriage.
That's a good hallmark that says you are you made the right choice. Yeah, we're better as co parents, better as friends than married. Yeah.
Yeah, And I have a book coming out and I talk about that just kind of like that, never thinking we'd ever get to that other side of like and there's still going to be things that obviously come up.
There's deep resentments and stuff like that, but then also it's like how to how I let go of a lot of those things and like, you know, can just kind of look at them as you know, the father of my kids and not hold that stuff because I'm like, I don't want to be walking around with I feel like this year just shifted me and like I don't want I don't want any bad energy. I just don't want it. I don't want I don't want it. I don't want hatred, I don't want like heaviness, just too
like too short. We talk about this all time, like it's I feel like a broken record saying it, but it is. Life is just too damn short to like hold onto any negative energy or put it out there. I don't like it, That's what I'm like. I mean, I even rewent through my book being like I don't need to put that in there anymore. I don't need like you know, it's not necessary. I don't need to write about that, you know, about my exer about you know,
don't need it. So it's like I don't want, I don't want, I don't want any.
I remember telling you years ago that all it takes is one person to choose the highest choose take the higher road, however you want to say it, but it takes one person to shift a relationship, and you did that right now too, just holding out to stay in that higher vibration.
Yeah, because we could do the meeting, like I know, friends that are divorced that meet at you know, a certain drop off at And we got there at one point almost where it was like Katherine was like, you know, you got to set a better boundary because it was ugly, you know, and then like all right, fine, we're mean net whole foods at this time, you know, like it was about to get there, and then it was like, you know, as time. But then it's like read about it in the next chapter.
Good place.
I so excited for this.
Yeah, but I mean it's just like it it's you know, but sometimes and there's still people like we've been able to at least kind of hang our hats going, like we've done a decent job of like even though there was hurt, that we can co parent. And I think at the end of the day, it's like kids are number at the top, you know. Yeah, so if it's going to make my kid happy to have his dad here for his birthday party, I'm gonna invite him over, you know, put my stuff aside. But yeah, so it's good,
we're good, We're fine. I mean, he's yeah, I I uh, yeah, I fived him today when he took up when he dropped off Jolie from the Dennis later as I kissed my fiance, like it's good.
Did it bring up anything for him that you're getting married? You know what?
I said this on the last show when when he found out, well, when we told him whatever Jolie I did, he was like, after everything, I've after everything I did. You deserve like such happiness in love and and you know, of all people, you deserve it. And so yeah, it was great, amazing, Yeah, healing is that it was beautiful. Yeah, it was really really really nice, like his acknowledgment and then his like, well wished is like that seemed so genuine. So I was like that was cool.
Yeah, oh you're showing up everybody. What's possible? Lady?
Well, hey, who knows like in about you know what I mean? But yeah, yeah, but I mean like you never you know, it's like as long as but you just keep every day, You're like, let's just be you know, be positive, be be good, happy.
Literally it's stay by day.
Yeah, yeah, because I mean anything can set up.
You know, did you and Alan put together a vision for what it is that you're creating, do you do? You both have kind of a shared vision for what the marriage is going to be, the life that you're creating.
So no, we haven't like really sat down. But for us, it's like just love and respect. Love, respect and trust are like the the main three things. It's like respect is like our number one thing, and like we respect each other so much. And from that respect, like I trust him, and the love is is we know how special it is, and so we're also like we don't. I don't ever want to be in a moment where
I'm like, I don't trust him, but I don't. I don't even I don't fear that one one ounce of my body fears that, Like how he loves and respects me, I trust him.
So everything stems from there.
So I think that's just like the the love and respect is at the top, which is also a very good book too. Yeah, they say men want respect, women want love. Yeah, it's yeah.
So I remember I did a workshop once with David Data, and he teaches sacred relationship and the practice of intimacy, and he's an incredible teacher, and he had us do this practice where you choose a partner a woman and a man sitting in front of each other and say, looking into the other person's eyes, over and over and over again, the two things that men and women want to hear the most, and that's masculine identified feminine identified.
It's not a gender thing, but to say over and over and over again to a man, I trust you, I respect you, I trust you, I respect you, I trust you, I respect you. I watched this man in front of me collapse into tears. It was so profound. And the reverse was you're beautiful. I love you. You're beautiful, I love you, And I mean, well, it is true. Those are the things that are, at the end of the day, so vital to keeping us feeling alive and appreciated.
You know what is nikto for you that you like feel.
Oh gosh, I mean I've never questioned for a second that he loves me ever, Yeah, honestly, but I think the thing that I have. It's funny what was coming up for me when she was saying that, I was like, man, I bet sometimes I don't come off like I respect him, not a lot, but like sometimes you know, like not the trust thing we have, trust, like he knows I trust him and place, you know, no issues there, But I think the respect thing is the harder thing for us.
Interesting, I could.
See, like the way I say some things, or the way I you know it, control the kids or you know, like things like that, I could see where as a man could see that as not respecting, like their ability to parent, or their ability to make a decision or you know whatever. I don't mean it in that way, but I can see where that would come off.
Do you think it's because of like the direct way that you're saying it, or I think.
The way I say things sometimes, which I've gotten a lot better at, but also just like the controlling factor, like in the like family, like we're going to do this and he's like, you know, he's starting to kind of I mean after what fourteen years, but like hey, like you know, let me make this decision, let me do this, and like, you know, I don't know, it's just it's interesting. But I mean he's I mean, he always shows me that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I've never questioned that tree.
What do you think to that?
I think this is where it gets interesting. Why I asked you about your vision and for the relationship, because when you have those shared values, then it's how do you get down into the to the cope you know, to the co parenting, to the doing of the things you know with those values in mind that it gets down into how you do your life, you know. And I think I think it's it's tricky because I always say, the more you want to give, the more you need.
And so if you want to give a lot of trust and respect, then you have to talk about what you need. What's the exchange? You know, what fills you up? What has you be in your most true self, you know, your most resourced self to be able to give those things to him? You know what? What what has you respect him?
Well?
End the question? Then do you do you respect him? Oh?
Yeah, absolutely, yeah, absolutely I can. I just know my personality and at times I can look back and be like I could see where that didn't sound like I respect him. Does that make sense?
Do you go then and tell him that I do?
Now? I am better at that time now I was not before. And I think that was a lot of our problem. And it's just interesting because I really hadn't truly thought about it that much as like a respect thing like even like like just even just random things like with business stuff, like he may mention something. I'm like, well, you maybe you should have done this, or you should have done that, or you should and I can see
that triggers him. And I think that comes from like, Okay, you're not like respecting my job and what I'm doing, and you know, and so I've noticed that creep back in a little bit and then I try to like stop myself, like no, no, but that was a great, great job or you know whatever, just trying to like not criticize it.
But you know, and that I know, and we can criticize because you know, when we get criticized, weaks changed. But when you criticize a guy, he just wants to go away, right, you know, it creates distance. It's very different the way criticism lands on us. Yeah, and what it does. So but in those moments where you catch yourself, this is where I think it's so great because there's
also a good reason that you are saying that. There's a reason that you feel like you want to say a thing like the need for control you said, or there's maybe fear popping up, or you want to contribute and you want to help, but it's not what he needs. And so to check in and say, oh man, what's just going on for me there? Or what I'm feeling right now is stress and it's like a way that I'm dealing with the stress to try to manage you like you're one of my kids.
So true. So sorry, literally nailed all of it right there. Yep, sorry, you're not one of my children.
I know, I know, I know, but I think just like I'm being not humble in the moment, but like you are humbling them and be like I'm sorry you're not Like it's like because then he's like, oh, that's where you just stepped in. You're just in that role, and so then you just categorize them in that area. And it's like if you say in that moment too, I think that'd be like so helpful.
Yeah for sure.
Yeah. Interesting, Can I offer one little tidbit?
Sure?
So I was talking to Nick.
No no no no no no no.
I like Nick is a close friend, Like I like Nick and I have a great.
Actually he said, no, no.
No, no, no no no. I just think this is like such a good like such a good thing to add going into what you guys are about to do Okay, So I we were talking about he was leaving right, so he was like cat on vacation. I was like, Oh, she's the best. And he's just like, no, she has to have she has to do something.
Oh yeah, I like to be busy.
You like to be busy and have an activity every single day. I go, Cat, I was like, no way, she's like He's like, oh no, She's different when it comes to like the kid vacation. I was like really. I was like, man, she's like awesome to like vacation with him, like play cards and we chill, like because I don't have kids her. But he's like, no, she's like she always has to have like a plan or
like an adventure thing to do. So I'd be curious what it would be like to try this on and so maybe one of the days go hey, Nick, what would you like to do today? And or like and don't plan anything and just and if it's just they just want to whatever and just for one day out of the seven days, just don't have a plan and just relax.
Okay. I mean I don't have a plan every day, but.
You know what I'm saying. As right, or no, is this terrible? Is this terrible advisue? It's great, It's great, just like you like almost can surprise him in a way.
He's gonna know.
No, I don't think you will after vacation when he listens to the podcast, but whatever, you can try it on and be like I tried it.
It would be such a gift to him. Yeah, it would, because you know, to give him his version of the vacation for a day is just yeah, what a gift. But you know what beyond what a gift it is to him, I kind of want to know what that would give you, to be able to just relax.
Can I answer for because I'm almost thinking she's just gonna say stress. Yeah, I don't think you can do it. I don't and I don't mean it out of like not love, but I'm just like, I think it's gonna stress you out more, just not have something to do for each of the children.
If it's just me, I am like the queen of relaxing, Like I could binge, watch Netflix and like have no issues. But when you get the kids involved and it's mom mom mo mo mo, mom mom, I find it just much easier to have activities. That's all it really is. I can chill now. I don't love just like sunbathing all day long if you haven't picked up on that by on the beach, because I cannot just sit there and lay there in the sun all day long.
Right, But maybe that's just what they wanted to do and go down those fun little slides.
Oh we'reon'll be going down the fun little.
You know what I mean? For like in not doing something that day and just letting Nick take it over because it can be you don't need to carry every day of planning. Moms take it on as their thing. True, let him have a day and he again then in a way thinks he's like cool, you.
Know what I mean?
All Right, fine, I'll give him one day to plan. I will report back and let.
Y'all know how.
She will report that.
Let's refine it, though, because I think there's this thing called making a deal that I love where it's not a compromise and it's not like, oh, you're now going to have to be stressed all day and it's going to be really hard in taxing on you because then there'll be fallout from there. Right that it's okay in order to give you that this is what I need.
You know, it's a little bit of like back and forth until you know, you get spaw time to you know, decompress from it, or there's somebody else, you know, the kid daycare, you know at this hotel that takes over. But there's got to be a way that you make this that really serves you both.
Yeah, she's speaking my language. Okay, I can do this. Yeah, I'm not saying the game.
This is what I heard. This is not what I said. I want you to recovery.
There's no plan for today except for you get.
The kids all day.
Yeah, that was not what I was going for. Oh sure, where can our listeners again find you and everything that you're doing.
Oh, they can find me at the sirencall dot com or Shari Heally And yeah, there's a whole lot of good, new, amazing things coming out of my work. Like what my calling is to help you? My calling is to help you answer yours. So it's really after all these years, sixteen years of coaching and working with people in branding and leaders and companies to help them find their purpose, it's all come down to Siren and that's the new the new brand to really help people find their purpose and live it.
I love that. All right, well, we'll get you back on, we'll have the fiance on, and then we can make a plan for our our thing.
I love I would love it. I'd love to meet him. Congratulations and thank you you too.
I'm so excited for you too. Good luck with the moss.
Thank you.
Okay, bye bye girl. That was funny. I love her, She's so sweet. I want her to do and I don't have to look now, but I need her to do like some kind of meditation things. I'm real big into meditating now. Meditating meditation, Yeah, like Alan will always be Katie wanted to like a ten minute meditation? And or does this start since I met Alan? Because he does like these little like ten minute meditations. They're so relaxing.
I know we've had this conversation before, but do you truly think of nothing in those ten minutes?
No? Okay, I will be like, oh I got to do but then I'm like, oh, go back. So it's just like training your brain. Now, I don't think as I don't think of as many things. And then there's one that's really good. We actually fell asleep to it last night. It's like a go to sleep meditation. It's so nice because my brain, you know, her brains are still like going and stuff. So yeah, it's great. But I feel like she's got such a good voice for like meditation, so calming.
Yeah, I want to do that on here one day if I can do it.
The meditation. Yeah, it's really great. I get seriously, I never thought I could do it, but because I thought, I was like, well, mom, I'm always thinking of something. Yeah, yes, and you go right.
Back right sure makes sense.
Well, I'm very excited for your vacation.
Thank you.
You want to come back on Thursday for some more breaking news, I would love to stay tuned.