Live and Thriving with Dr, Jenn Mann

ready to wind down? This is so cool? Um. I'm sorry that you guys can't drink because apparently there's liability issues, but weekend so cheers, but we'll drink a fewph you because, oh my tissues are over there Eastern. I brought tissues just in case you never know what wine done? Right? Who knows what you did this week? I don't know if I'm gonna cry higher? Um, oh you really want to talk about that? I mean, I thought we were just going to sweep that one under the rug. I'm

cool with that too. No, go ahead there, okay, No, we do want to say thank you so much for coming out, and our whole theme here is if you guys do listen to wind down, which hopefully you do, is you realize how open and vulnerable we are, and we want this to be an interactive experience as much

as possible. So this is a judgment free zone. Be open, be willing to open your hearts and to expose yourself a little bit, to try to grow as an individual and as a couple, um, because that's what Jan and I try to do, and that's what we want to promote. So we want to hear your problems issues and make sure that we don't know. We don't have shots because they're like shot alright, I have sex problems. Shot alright, I got this problem. We gotta make sure that this

is like we're past know. But like to what Mike said, like we just want you know, if you guys have questions for our experts that are here that we're so excited to have um join us on the live podcast today. I mean, please feel free to be vocal um. And I'm sorry for the guy standing for you guys in the back, like they don't have chairs. So I love you guys. Shots, shots, shots on me. Tori waved everybody so they can see. You have the microphone too. If

anybody wants to ask anything, will come around to you. Yeah, just like raise your hand, be like that annoying kid in the first brow Like I was that kid. So I'm like, okay, oh she's already got one. Oh let's bring it girl. So I feel like I'm starting with a super heavy question. I'm sorry about that, but all right, well let's just like just like put that in your

mind drink. Like you guys have like shared recently a little bit about um, Julie's language delay and sort of how you guys have addressed that, Um, did you have trouble, like or have you had any trouble like making peace with it yourself and like trying not to like obsess daily because like my son has a pretty severe delay and I'm just always kind of curious how people navigate that. I will say, for for me, I've had a really tough time because I feel like whatever not I'm not

saying issues that's a bad word to say. It's I blame myself, Like maybe she has a speech delay because I did something wrong as a mom. And I don't know if that's just a mom thing where we just put everything on ourselves, like it has to be my fault that something's wrong with her, because I don't know, maybe I didn't read a hundred and two books that night instead of you know, I read just five, or I skipped a couple. I don't know. Like, so I have a I'm definitely really hard on myself when it

comes to comes to that um. But you know, I've I've also talked to so many of my friends like kids just learn at different times and but I have. But I also have a hard time to where my daughter will say something to me and I'm like, I didn't understand that, and I'm like, wait, I'm now like I have to help her and not not getting mad at her, upset with her if she's not explaining it to me properly. But you know, I think hopefully like she knows she'll get it, but you know, she's she's three.

But it's hard. I hate when people say mean things. So sometimes I'll want to post something like today it was so cute. She was singing into her microphone and she did not make one word, not one word made sense, And I was about to post it and I was like, oh, no, people are going to be mean. But it was like it made me really sad because I was like, you knew what I was like the video and I didn't end up posting it because I thought, I truly was just like someone's going to make fun of her, and

that made me bumped. I don't know what about you, bim No, I think a great question. Already, love you guys, microwd. That's why I say it's probably good I'm not on Instagram because I wouldn't have a filter with that and I don't know how to politically correctly handle that situation.

But um, with that with child issues with Jana and I, we kind of balanced each other out because she is that her mom and always wants to be doing something to be proactive and help, and I'm just kind of like, it'll be all right, Jill, be fine, she'll learn, and yeah, it was like, honey, I think she might have a speech delay and he's like no, she's fine, Like she's fine, she's fine. And then we go to the doctors and

he's like, well, she has a speech delay. And I was like I have been telling you this for them, and he's just like, well whatever. Yeah, So we balanced each other out, but I mean, you know, it's one of those things, unfortunately with kind of Janie following and being a celebrity that she is. It's it's comes with the territory, and it's unfortunate that people out there stooped at that level to comment about children and think they

have it all figured out. Um, yeah, that sucks. Can we just like I just have to ask a question to the crowd because I know we weren't going to talk about our fight earlier today because no, no joke, I don't know if we've actually made up. So this is kind of weird at tension. We're professionals, honey, so we we turn it on a little bit, like I really don't Yeah, we're definitely turning it on a little bit because like I'm a little upset with you still, But let me just talk about it really fast. So

can I to what degree? To the degree of that, I'm not gonna like tell like the number amount, He goes, I don't know. Okay, I just have this thing. I'm sorry. He doesn't say yes, but I'm doing it anyway. I don't get people that buy games on their phone, Like I just don't shoot, oh is my phone? Well there you go. So I just don't karma. I just for me. I I'm fine if you want to do like the candy Crush like you need another life? Like, fine, let's

add five dollars, okay, cool? Whatever for me. I'm like, that's five dollars you could spend on like your coffee. Why would you spend that on, you know, your candy crush game for another life? Like it doesn't make sense to me. Well, this guy, okay has an NFL game, all right, so he thinks he's back in the game, right, and he's like and and every time his player does it die? Or what are you what are you buying? Does this have a broken leg? Like does he get injured?

Like I don't know, Like, what is it? Please explain it to me, and explain it to you whatever it is that you want. But what are you buying? Though? Like what is like? What is that a hundred charge? Every time? I'm just trying to get better, better players, better everything. So I get an alert on our credit card actually knows our business manager reached out via email and was like, uh, you have this charge? Is this accurate? Because this is kind of excessive? Yeah, And so I

start going through the weeds of the bill. Okay, and again I don't I am the most frugal person you will probably ever meet. I don't buy things for myself. I will buy him the nicest wardrobe and the kids stuff, but like I have the hardest time buying something for myself. Brought up a great speaking topic. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's when we bring up Sarah. Later we'll have a discussion about something. Oh god, I remember that. We kind of got into it a little bit. You don't time out, guys.

So anyways, let's get back to Mike and his issues. I'm totally kidding, but I'm not. But so anyways, so I look through the weeds and I'm telling you, guys this I was. I felt disrespected as a spouse because if there's a big purchase and I'm not just talking about five dollars, you know, Candy Crush, I'm not talking about okay, like a hundred dollars, but when you were spending thousands of dollars, m h m hmmm mm hmm exactly,

this just became like a murder mystery. No no, but I am telling you, like, to me, that felt so disrespectful that I'm like you not only like if I'm going to buy a purchase, let's just say let's just say it's three grades. Still that makes me sick. Let's just say, hey, I really want these pair of shoes. I know I can't even fathom that. I still I still can't do that. But let's just say, hey, I want to buy a nice restoration hardware, couch or chair for our new house. I would come to you for

that kind of big purchase. But this guy's like, let's buy another life. Let's buy another life. Let's buy another life. That's buy another life. And it adds up and I'm like, it is how could you? And so I was He's like, stop being my parent, and I'm like, I'm not being your parents. I'm being an angry ef thing wife that like you should like that's irresponsible. So he's like, I'll never do it again. Okay, ever do it again. I'll

never spend another dollar on any games. A couple of thousand dollars later, So I confronted him yesterday about this and I was pickin right now, no, but I mean I was no, but I was really angry, and he just but to go ahead. You can defend yourself. Now, there's no defending what can I say? There's tangible evidence that I was an idiot. I'm just a big child still, but like, okay, Dr Jen has some thoughts. Oh does she? And Janna, she's on your side. So first we have

a commercial. Oh but this is good though. I like this commercial because this is Thrive Market. And I'll tell you what we actually we used to Thrive Market. And this is the reason that you guys are all here today is because of Thrive Markets. So let's give a round of applause for a Thrive Market. Um, what's great about thrive for us? Before I get into the actual

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Was that good enough? Funny babe? Come on? You know, I'm just being like sarcastic with you, which I think I get the comments like yours I'll mean to him, and I'm like, no, I'm just really say, oh my god, I'm just the thing. I'm here. It is Dr jen Man. You guys give it up for Dr Jenna. So I want to get into what you posted something really great today on your Instagram. But can you just help us, um kind of resolve this fight that we have right

going on right now? Absolutely okay, And it's not quite as clear cut as one person being right, one person being wrong. This is actually more complex than but he said he'd never do it again, but then did it. What we're going to get to that, but I think that understanding what it's about for you guys is actually

even more important. Can you guys hear her? By the way, And since you guys have been so incredibly wonderful and open and honest and vulnerable about what's been going on in your lives in your marriage, and you guys have come out and talked about sex addiction and what that's been like in your marriage, I want to help you connect the dots. When people have a sex addiction or any addiction or a compulsive behavior, they tend to be really uncomfortable in their own skin. They tend to be

uncomfortable feeling their feelings. They tend to need a lot of distraction, and especially when you give up one behavior, oftentimes that compulsive behavior switches over to something else. It's like that whackhambol game. So okay, so he's not acting

out sexually, wonderful, that's fantastic. That's key, most important. I'm sure you'd rather he spent two grand on video games than he acts out and ultimately stiff a lie though that he said like he said I would never, But then that triggers me to, oh, well, that's what you said about this, so this must be equaling this. So it's going to be triggering for you, no question. But it's an extension of compulsive behavior. And I have no doubt in that moment he really believed I'm not going

to do it again. But then he probably found himself in Those games are wired to be addictive, and he probably found himself sitting in front of the video game going I really shouldn't do it. Well, yeah, I'll do one more just But he didn't have that thought though. That's That's what bothers me is that I'm like, you didn't even think about like, did you ask I did?

He said, go ahead? Did you ask what I asked you when you when you picked up, I asked you, I go, what hurts my feelings is that you didn't think of me in that moment, Like you were selfish in your own feelings, which feels very similar to the addiction piece, Like you didn't think about how that would make me feel or so, and you just like what I thought of my need in that moment to trump my empathy for your feeling too. So you probably went I shouldn't do this, did you? Yeah? Yeah, I could.

I could see it in his face. It's because you're here. He was like, it's just you know, I think for him though, He's like, it's not I'm not looking at anything appropriate, so I can do this like this is equal that. But look, like we talked about when we met before, when we did your podcast, he's very shame based. He carries a lot of shame, and I'm not understand this does not excuse behavior. I am not one to

ever excuse behavior, any kind of compulsive behavior. You're right, if he makes a commitment, I'm not gonna do this again. He should talk to you. If you guys have an agreement, we spend more than X number of dollars together. He should talk to you, but understanding that this wasn't him intentionally being malicious to you. This is a flaw and a broken part of him that still needs to heal. He still has a lot of work to do. But for you to understand that this isn't about you, even

though it's not okay, it's unacceptable behavior. He needs to keep his promises or not make his promise, not make a promise that he can't assure you that he can keep. This wasn't him being malicious. This was him acting out in an unhealthy, compulsive way. Thoughts con said it better myself. I will know, I will say, I mean, I definitely can see the correlation, and I will just completely honestly

it is. Uh. I'm more nervous right now just because it is harder in front physically in front of people to be transparent like this. So I will say that. But again I want to thank you guys for comming to being willing to willing to be a part of this and kind of open your hearts and open yourselves enough to to listen and you know, acknowledge these things. Um,

but no, that's totally it. I mean the rationalization there of me just saying, you know, minimizing it and saying it's such a it's such a game, and saying justifying it by saying, you know, I enjoy this. I just want to do it. I enjoy it. And probably, hey, I'm giving up all this other stuff like I'm clean and I'm doing all the right things. I can't at least play a game, right for sure. And you know

it's like it's like you buy your wine. He's like, this is just my thing, and I'm like, yeah, but if you there's not I didn't say I would never not do this again, or like can we at least keep it to this amount versus like this amount? Right? And I and I mean, I think you can attest you can attest to this that since yesterday last night, when this came up, I haven't defended the fact that I did. You know, I understood that I did that wrong.

I understood that I wasn't defending that it was okay for me to tell you one thing to do the other. And I totally understood how she correlated me telling her one thing and then not doing the other, because that's what I was doing when I was acting out. That's what I was doing when I is in that addictive behavior and doing things that were hurtful for our relationship,

So I can it's taken some time. If you'd asked me that a year ago, or even six months ago, probably my initial reaction would have been to defend it and to minimize. It's just a game, like what do you Why is this a big deal? It's just a game, you know, And I wouldn't have been able to empathize

towards the bigger picture of the behavior. Um, but still it's it's hurtful to Janna, and I do feel a lot of shame that even though it's a stupid the fact that we're even sitting here talking about stupid game, you know, but it's real and everyone is here is because you are so real and you are so willing to share of your painful, relatable moments. And this is relatable. Everyone has been in a relationship where someone has made a commitment or acted out or done something that has

been painful and hurtful. And that you guys are willing to share this and let people bear witness to your struggles is amazing and it's a gift that you give your listeners. Well, we love you, gen Man, and you know we have some emails right here. But is there anyone that's willing to ask jen Man, who's obviously an expert at sex, relationships, you know, life. So is anyone want to raise their hand and ask jenn a question? Oh, come on, not one? There we go, we got one? Yeah,

did you see? Okay, it's okay. Can you hear me? Yeah? Okay. So I'm just wondering with addiction and things like that, and almost kind of very similar situation to the game. Is that something with addiction like of pegn insects and things like that, that you're gonna have to look at in your relationship for your entire life. Is that something that's going to be life long for your partner to

work on? Absolutely? Um, When you're an addictive person, when you're a compulsive person, that it is you have to watch that like whack a mole thing that I just said where you you're wanted to and another pops up you do stop doing one compulsive behavior. Another pops up that said that when you do the deeper work on yourself, and you're a guy who's very willing to do that, it's something about you that's really impressive, and it's got

to make you very proud of him. That when you do the deeper work to address the underlying issues, the need to be compulsive and to act out or do addictive behaviors tends to dissipate. But it's an intense, long

term process. It's not a quick fix. And I think to your question too, is something that my therapist has told me is when they when you gradually are not gradually when you stop there, you're not feeding was that you're not feeding your endorphins, that you're not getting that hit, So over time they're not going to think about like chocolate, like it's always chocolate is always going to be there,

but it's not going to have that pull. Yeah, And also that the thing about that kind of compulsive behavior is that it creates such a spiral of I'm feeling anxious, sad, scared, like whatever the feeling is you don't want to feel, and then you go, oh, I'm gonna act out. You act out, whether it's the video game or sex, or drugs or gambling, food, whatever your thing is, you do that thing and then you go into shame spiral. Then you beat yourself up, then you feel terrible. I can't

believe I did that. I promise her I wouldn't do it. I hope she doesn't catch me. You're nervous, you're getting some endorphin rush. They are just with the anxiety of that, which is kind of a little bit of a buzz. At the same time, you're in this horrible shame spiral, So you're feeling incredibly conflicted, and you're feeling terrible, and you're beating yourself up so you feel bad, So then you're more likely to act out to avoid feeling those feelings.

So it creates this. Yeah, it's a vicious cycle. And what's interesting about what you just said is that's exactly what happened in this situation where when I would purchase again it sounds so childish, but when I would, you know, spend a hundred dollars in a sitting and buy something I did, immediately after, I'm like, damn it, Like why did I just do that? I told her I wasn't going to do it, you know, And then I'll start rationalized to myself, oh, well, I enjoy this, this is

something I want to do and whatever. And it is the same pattern for when I was you know, acting out sexually outside of our marriage. It's the same thing. You go into that shame, and what do you do to get out of that shame? You go back to the behavior that made you feel a certain way to escape all of those you know, your reality of all those feelings and and with you guys to me that there are two key issues in this. One is the compulsive behavior, which you have to address in your individual

therapy and do the deeper work. And the second is the rebuilding of trust with her and the understanding of even a little lie like that at this point is going to trigger Well, that's what I said to him. I was like, I don't at the end of the day, yes, I'm very upset about spending the money, but at the same time, it's I would have It would have shown me so much growth and it would have made me I would not have been as upset, hardly at all. Is if you came to me, were like I I

left up. I knew I should have done this. I hate the finding out part and then deceit behind because it's not about the game. It's about you lying. We're not lying withholding information so that you said you wouldn't do it's it you looked me in the eye, just like you looked me on when you said this, like that's the perfect But also it's that he couldn't stop himself. You really stop and think about it. It's that he wasn't able to be emotionally disciplined. It doesn't compulsive energy

on it, which makes it harder to trust. And let me say this, just to touch on it a little deeper, just from you guys talking about that situation and Janna, you're saying, if you just come to me and told me the truth, like you know, it has shown so

much growth. It has shown me a lot the amount of times and I'm again nervous about getting emotional or getting deep, but the amount of times that I heard that from my parents or my father when I was a kid, and I would actually take him up on that and come to him and tell him the truth, and I would still have the same level of repercussions as I would when I lie. Is still traumatizing. Even hear her say, if you would just come to me

told me, this would have been a lot better. Well, I'm still trying to work through the fear of being able to do that and know that I'm doing the right thing and regardless of reaction by her or anybody that no one, I still did the right thing. So I just came up for me. When you guys were talking about that how and Green that still isn't me. Have you ever tried that with her? Uh, come to her? Yeah, There's been things that I've brought to her attention that

I've said, Hey, I lied about this. Yesterday I was I said this, it was really this, Um, how did it go? I mean every time it's been great. So she's offering you reparative experiences. She's helping. Absolutely, there's no question, you know. But it's I think just probably trusting that

this was hard. Even though I've haven't mother f you after it, you know, I've been like okay, then I'm like but like inside, I'm like I know that if I do that, like, he's not going to come to me again, So I have to like swallow, like you know, yeah, I know, I know. Jan How does How does Janna navigate when Michael comes to her and tells her the truth. She wants to him to know that's the right thing to do, but she's still a little mad about either what it was or the lie. So how does she

navigate that with him? It's a great question because I did it wrong. Like I will say, like, what I can own on this was that I did not handle my emotions correctly because I was so triggered by well you said this last time, and look what happens. So what else are you doing? Let's look at the phone bills? I mean I spiraled today. I was like, I want

to see phone bills. I want to say this. That one is because I'm like, if you're lying about this, and you must be lying about and I'm like, oh, we're here again, Like of course it makes sense that this real time. By the way, she hasn't said any of that to me. Me. That's what I think the question I think you were asking about when he does do it right, But if he comes her and says, hey,

I screwed up. I did it again, I spend a thousand bucks on the because she needs to sort of quote reward him for doing the right to be mad right, But I can't. Second, I have to bring it back

to him later. The first conversation is thank you so much for trusting me enough to take me and sometimes you know what I was talking to a parent in therapy this week about this that sometimes when our partner tells us something that we don't like, or our kid tells us, you know, they confess the crime that they committed, our first reaction is to get mad. But it's a

compliment to the relationship. When he comes to you, it means he trusts you, he's invested enough in the relationship to take that risk, he's willing to be vulnerable, So it's actually a compliment. And if the first thing out of your mouth is thank you so much for trusting me enough to tell me, it will shift your energy as well as the conversation. There's there's a guy, John Gottman, who did a bunch of research. He's one of the top searchers and relationships and he can predict divorced with

accuracy based on his research. And one of the things he says is it percent of the time, the way a conversation starts is the way it's going to end. So if you started with how could you have done that? I can't believe it like it's gonna end on that same note. But if you can turn to him and say thank you so much for trusting me enough to share that information. I know this has got to be really hard for you. I love that it's going to change it. Um, let's lighten it up a little bit.

Who was that guy again, John Com? Okay, Amy's like, I'm writing that one done. I'm just sorry. This one just kind of kept because I can't relate to this. So I want to hear this. But from Kimberly, I'm not attracted to my husband. My marriage has been someone's left well. But the weird thing is that I've had a friend tell me this before, so I'm curious to kind of get your take. But she says, my marriage has been in the gutter. In the last three years,

I've only had sex with my husband. Wait, yeah, in the last three years. Sorry in the last no judgment, by the way at all, but no judgment. In the last three years, I have only had sex with my husband four times, two of which ended in babies. Um, but I am not attracted to my husband. I don't know what to do. I'm so irritated with him that I can't get past it to be turned on by him. Believe it or not, this is more common than you.

That's the thing I remember having conversations with one of my girlfriends are like, I like, A, I don't want to have sex with my husband. It's been a year, and be I don't really think he's attracted, Like I'm not attracted to him. But they give away in this was I'm irritated at him. And typically the number one how many of you are irritated by your spouse? Raise your hand? What if your hand down? But wait, but that was like half the room. What is going on?

And here's the thing. The number one reason that I have seen in my clinical practice why people male or female, by the way, because men withhold tex too, it's not just women. But then number one reason why people withhold sex is anger. Anger that has not been talked through process. That's what I'm getting from this person. And that she doesn't say like, oh, my husband's getting a hundred pounds and he has worked all over his face. Now, like

she's not saying there's been a physical change. What she's saying is I married this guy. She's probably attracted to him. That usually were attracted to people we marry, but now I'm not. So something has changed in her marriage. And it sounds like she's angry and it sounds like what

they need is talk therapy. They need to be sitting in the room with a neutral person to help them have productive conversations and to communicate and talk through their anger and process it, because when anger doesn't get processed, it gets leaked out in all different forms in our relationships. Is there anyone that's willing to open themselves up attest to this and say that maybe you're going through a dry spill in your relationship sexually and that feelings are

coming up or anything. Is anyone have want to step up to the plate? Come on? Oh, okay, yeah, there we go. Um, so my boyfriend I've been together for almost eight years. Eight years, Sarah, you got some help there, barre baby, get my love? Okay, years going on at years. Um, we both live at home, but it's kind of the same thing, you know, Um, and we actually just recently had a break for a couple of months. Are you

guys back from your break? Yes? Okay, yes, but even so, so, I don't know, if you know, we both kind of have some anger and frustrations, um, from the past, maybe even now, but we really don't have sex that often, and I don't know if it's maybe we live at home because I live with my parents. He lives with his parents, so that maybe has something to do with it. Um, I'm going to school. I'm a nursing school, so I don't have the funds to move out financially. Um. But

it's for me, it's really frustrating. And I know you kind of have touched on this in the past that for you, you like the physical touch, right, and I'm kind of the same way. So that was actually a question I was gonna ask you and how you kind of dealt with that with Mike. Does your boyfriend know that's your love language. I think we've had the conversation before. Um. I did buy the book of a couple of years ago and we went through we were going camping, UM,

so I was doing it in the car. But um, I'm sure he does, or at least he did at the time. So I don't know if it's something I need to bring up again. Well, I mean, for you know, I'm gonna obviously let the experts speak on this, but for what what I've done is, I think it's just, you know, he really needs to know what you need

and what makes you fulfill. So for me, it's like, you know, he knows if I like touch and and so he makes an effort to to do those things because he knows that it's going to fulfill me more than him emptying the dishwasher when it's like vice versa for for each other. So like he rather have me em be the dishwasher than give him a guess. So like, I think he just needs to know so that way

he can show up for you. And then you have to find the way that you can show up for him in whatever way that he needs because it might be different from what from what you know he wants. Um, But I think it's just, you know, it just takes some time in some practice because it might not be his first thing. Like that's not maybe not what he you know, gravitates towards. I don't know, expert, because I'm like, tell me a little bit more about the dynamic and

the relationship between the two of you. Are neither of you wanting sex? Is one of you wanting it the other one is not? I need a little more information. I think I'm wanting it more and he is, um girl. And what does he say about when when you talk out that or you initiate what's his response. Typically, if it's initiated, you know, we we will have sex, but it's not as often anymore that he'll initiate it um And a lot of times he's like, well, I'm just tired.

You know, I work. He works for the gas company, and so it's like, well, I've been working all day, I'm tired. It's this and I'm like, okay, I guess you know or does want to have a good sex life with you. I think so it's not honestly, not something we've been We've brought up a lot because I'm not sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex once it becomes an issue, becomes so scary and so difficult to do that everyone's afraid of hurting each other,

of egos, of making things worse. And sometimes people think, oh, if I talked about it's gonna make it worse. But things have to be performance too, because it's like the more we talk about it, the more you know it doesn't work. Yeah, that's not pure, but like you know what like like we all know like from the other side of it. Never mind, but if you want to take right now, German, let me ask you something. When you guys first met that first six months of the relationship,

what did you guys do that made you gut? Like if you were getting ready for a date, what did you do? How did you get ready for a date? It would depend on where we were going. Did you pick out an outfit? Yeah, and I do still try to do that. Would you get like some cute laundree? No, I'm not really that to p Anderson either, I'm really not that type of more of like a naked cow

whatever whatever, had a job done. Would you think about like the last time you guys had sex or they kissed, or how hot it was once in a while you like, And I'm talking early stage of the relation, when things were hot and heavy. Yes, definitely. One of the things I see a lot of the time that I have a feeling that's going on for you guys, is that eight years into a relation, people go on autopilot and they expect their sex life to run on its own, And I'm sorry, sex lives don't. And if you just

let it kind of do its thing. We tend to be negligent. We tend to not take as good care of ourselves. We tend to not do the things that not only were seductive to our partner, but seductive to ourselves. Like you're you're not a brown panty scale. I I feel you, but there are a lot of people out there who are. And when a woman who's into cutber on panties puts it on for her partner, she's also kind of getting herself sex stuff. She's getting that energy going.

She's seducing herself as well as him. My only thing to that, though, and I'm so sorry to cut you off, is that if that's not what he's because if if I were to do that, because I'm not I don't, like, I don't even know if I have one piece of laundry, Like, I'm just not laundrey a girl. I'd rather put on an extra large T shirt and some panties and go to bed like whatever, like like i mean, I'm talking about like the Target brand. Like I'm just not like

that girl. So if I were to do that and then get turned down, that feeling sucks, you know, So you might have to really have a conversation with him, because again, figure out what his love languages to make him, you know, because it might not be the launerie. But you know what I'm saying, that that's not what I'm saying. It's not about. What I'm saying is the things that we do in the beginning of a relationship get us excited about sex and excited about a date, are the

things we tend to neglect doing. I don't care about the specific bra or the panties, but what I care about is the mindset. And I care about the things that she did before that date and doesn't have to panties, not brow on panties. But she was thinking about the last time that they kissed or they made love. She was thinking about things that made her hot and got her juices flowing. And he probably was doing the same.

He's probably like, but not because I can't wait to see her and I can't wait to see her as sparkle and like touch her arm and whatever, you know. But it's about getting into a seductive mindset. And eight years later, if you're not making an effort to get into a sexual mindset, if you're not doing things to kind of keep your juices flowing, they don't tend to flow. We tend that the familiarity tends to kind of squash

that our sexuality. It tends to have to make it flat, Sarah, what do you do because you've been six years in almost seven almost seven and almost there, we're almost still less in case you didn't notice. Um, yeah, so I was thinking because where they is, Oh my god, he's gonna kill me, kill me? Um, oh my god. So we're the opposite because like he loves to do it and I also loved to do it, and so like this is a weird mindset. Okay, let me just start

from saying my last relationship I was. I was cheated on when you were ten. I'm sorry, I just heard like I said, my last relationship. Okay, you said him, I was cheated on all up and down the walls, and I didn't even really care, and I was like, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me. So when I met him, I was like, okay, guys like sex. I'm gonna have sex all the time whenever you want to do it. I do it like I

don't care, like I'm gonna make him. And then as it kind of went on four years, five years, it was like, oh my god, we're still doing it all the time when he wants to. So I think, for me, listen, I'm also trying to ring, So if that's what I have to do, I'll do it. That was like four years after you gain my mind and I am dead, Oh it'll go and I'm like, well, here we are later. But I think that you have to find it enjoyable

for you. So like for me, I was like, you know what, I want to do it when I want to do it, and not just when he wants to do it. And so even though that's not your situation, I think that you need to find like, Okay, I feel best what kind of like you were saying, like,

if I have my nailed son, I'm done. I could take over the world for you if it's like I feel really good today and I'm going to do this and if he is still you know, because I think there's a sense of like when you're feeling yourself, someone else picks up on that. It's like like even with him, like when he's feeling himself, I'm like, oh yeah, like I get so do I agree with you on that, But I also think that you need to obviously have a conversation and be like this is how I feel.

Because for sure, what I was gonna say when you said he is. It's like everyone can say what they want, but you guys are obviously doing something right if it's lasting for eight years. And that's what I say, like when people are like no, because it's true. When people are like, oh my god, like he's never I'm like, well, we're obviously doing something right because seven years in, I don't hate him, and like we don't have kids, we haven't had a wedding, so it's only going to get better.

So like you're obviously, you guys obviously are doing something right that is working for you. So I feel like you just need to be like, look, this is how I feel. And then if he's like I don't care, then that's something huge. If he's like, you know what, this is how I feel? Because what's your sign? Oh Jesus, okay, I know because like, um, I don't like talk about

my feelings at all ever. And so like if I cry to tie, he's like whoa, and then like maybe he'll like cry like didn't you just have a blow up with him about the ring? Like here we go two nights ago, Yeah I did. I did? Oh you want me to go on? I feel so when I have a meltdown, and tell him how I feel that's like it's not his love l but he's like, oh

my god, like you're you're serious. So then like it allows him to be like okay, So like we had I had a melt down the other night and he also had to melt down, and Sich Cathery were just like melting but it was really therapeutic. And he was like, I hear you, and I was like, and I hear you too. So that's I mean, I think that's why he and I have lost it so long is because we have really good communication. Um, I don't know if he really listens to me, but we talk a lot.

So I think that I think that you need to just like obviously have a serious conversation, not just like a joke like I want to do it. And I think also the other part, and I see this a lot, is that once you've kind of talked about the emotional aspect of it, you also want to rule out the physical aspect. Because I can't tell you how many men I see young men in this day and age who have low testoster. I always anytime I get a couple in my office where the man doesn't have a sex drive,

that he's happy with and that's hurting the relationship. I was, please go and get your testoster and check before we do anything. We got to rule this out. I had a couple in my my office once. I wrote about this in my book The Relationship Fixed, which by the way, I'd love to give you a copy of um that this couple came in for ten years, this guy had no sex dride that his wife her heart was broken like she was so angry and resembled by time they came in and I said, you gotta get yourself in

there and just get your test aster and check. He goes in. His was incredibly low. The doctor puts him on an appropriate dose of testosterone. His sex drive is back. His wife was so hurt that for ten years she felt rejected, She felt hurt. She begged him to go the doctor. She begged him to do all these things and he didn't. That then the issue was no longer a sex drive. It was how hurt she was for ten years, and we had to spend all this time

in therapy because she was so hurt. So I always like to rule out the physical, talk about the emotional, and then also changed the behavior to behavior that's conducive to having a sex life. Both of you guys, being in your parents houses not so conducive. So you have to really go out of your way to create situations that make space for sex. If if it's not the the physical with the test testosterone everything like that, how can you determine if maybe it is just an intimacy disorder?

And I'm not talking about it diction aror anything like that, but some people can still just once the relationship is getting, you know, longer in his tenure, you know that that

magic does kind of naturally fade. Right, So if someone it's easy to have sex early on when you really don't know the person that well you're going to to know each other, but then when you get into a nitty gritty it's it's like that there's so much intimacy there, which for me, I just know personally makes me so uncomfortable that I'm trying to get through and grow from.

So have you seen that just in relationships that don't have to deal with addiction, but just absolutely yes, I think that for most people, for the vast majority of people in this country, if we're really honest, that having emotional intimacy and having sex in the same relationship is challenging. It is a vulnerable experience. It is a challenging experience.

I mean, in my book, the last chapter sex, everyone was jumped to that chapter, but really a huge part of that chapter is about exactly this, in the emotions of how do you handle both and what do how do you do the things that make a sex life grow, and and kind of what are the actual steps you need to take in the conversations you need to have? But yeah, that is the conversation, Alan, how's your sex life? Yeah? Should we do one more question for Jenn? I thought

there was one in the back. By the way, thank you very much for opening year story. So there's not one in the back. No, okay, yeah, the last one for gen Man. My husband and I have been together for thirteen years, five years dating and eight years married. We got into an argument the other day about how much we should be happy sex. We have sex about three Jesus, we have sex about three times a week, and he thinks that isn't enough. Just curious what y'all think.

I mean, I think, hello, like, if you've got kids a factor in tired schedules. I mean, I want sex a lot, but I'm happy with two a week. I'd like three, that'd be fun. But hell, I do for spend me around, baby, But I mean like for you. I mean like I feel like you're good, like once a week, like you're like I get my thing in and then I'm good. Oh, welcome to wind. It was seriously like, what would you think, Like, what's a healthy number? It's it's based on these couple. It's what people need.

What do you want? Whatever you want? He's trained so well just thinking that. No, but I think we do it like what twice a week? Sorry? Mom? I mean I have kids, Jesus obviously do I'm not sex No, really keep tracks sometimes more, sometimes less. A lot of people want to know too, if the Tan Trick sex therapy worked for us and what happened. I mean, you're not to give me all the details, but just let me tell you. After we got done with the Tan

Trick therapy. No, um, I it worked. We just haven't done well on the follow through because we got sick, like we're still kind of dealing with the cold right now. Um, and we didn't really follow directions we're supposed to when we did. That's your fault though, buddy, I'm sorry when I have sex with my wife. So through through the exercises, you're not supposed to have sex afterwards, well every time we So the tantrik exercise is like so there was

a couple different ways. Like one was like massage your partner like that, so it's like like your massage their leg and their body from linked up to like toes or like feel yeah. But then the one of them was basically dry humping and you're basically just laying in bed like humping each other. I mean, I felt like we were eighth grade all over again. But this time I got to get lucky, so I was like, all right, I was doing it, so I'm dead direction Um, okay, Jan,

thank you so much. Just answer a little bit on the question real quick. Oh sure, it was a question I just imagined, like Mike drop humping. I actually wrote a call about the common InStyle magazine that was about how many times a week should you be having sex? The research shows and and look, I gotta be honest personally, clinically this sounds a really a lot of me. But people who have sex couples of sex once a week

are technically the happiest. I don't like that study that it just it seems low, but like whatever works, and and and look truthfully, clinically speaking, what matters to me is that therapist when a couple comes in. If a couple comes and says we're having sex once every other week and we are thrilled, were satisfied, we feel connected by great, that works if there if the problem is with the disparity, And what I would want to know with this couple is what's going on that he wants

more sex? Is it really just about the sex? Is it about he wants more intimacy? Is it he wants more attention? Is it that he was molested as a child and is sexually compulsive and is acting out and needs sex to bind his anxiety? Like there are a lot of reasons why people want sex besides sex. Well, can I just intro Christine to this and are you okay with me? Okay? You guys? First, I'll give it

up for Christie Morrell. She was she was on the podcast a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about health and um, we talked about weighing myself and you know, just about body issues and I kind of want to bring you in on this conversation with us, because she, well, Aimy just kind of whispered in my ear with that thanks and again you said you're okay. So I feel like I feel like I'm kind of like being intrusive and kind of mean, but it's fun.

You schedule sex exactly. So we've been married for um fifteen years and we have two kids, a nine year old and eleven year old. And we went to see a therapist before we had kids, and it was an amazing experience. And what he did is he had us each right down what our expectations are for each other. How do you want to raise kids? How many kids do you want? How do you want to discipline them? How many times? Does he want to have sex? Many times? And sex was very important for him and I'm very

emotional and I needed a lot of attention. So he was like, Okay, then if it's important for him to have sex twice a week, we have kids, how are we going to do this? So we've decided and we have a lot of communication on this and it's easier for us to schedule sex. So Mondays and Fridays, I usually get home early, the kids are still in school, like legitimately every Monday were single Monday at the same time, at the same time, exactly doesn't ever have sex like

during the weekend and we're just spontaneously. It happens rarely rarely, But does it? Does it feel? Because I know that will that would never work for us because well, for for someone like me, it would be a mind it would be in mind. Oh my gosh, would be like I would have so much anxiety around that tom planning intimacy. Like for someone like me who doesn't like intimacy and anew that I would be like, Okay, so at Thursday at five, I gotta be informed me because I'm just

thinking about that. I can't do that. But like for you, like does it No, it gets me excited, Like I know, like mondays, I get up and I'm like excited, I'm looking forward to the day. I know exactly what if it like your stomach hurts or like you have a headache, or what if you know, you get a meeting that changes, like sorry, I gotta have sex at three o'clock, Like

you can't change your schedule. I'm friends with Christie and she's been at my house, Like does she do it at your house, but she's like, yeah, it's five are all our neighbor and girlfriends. And she'll say, sorry, guys, I gotta go in six minutes after have sex. Yeah. Yeah, you can change days and Fridays and now it's changed anyway.

But it totally works for us and he gets he gets what he needs, as do I. It's just I don't know, there's something about the excitement of looking forward to it and knowing it's going to happen, because I feel like for me, I I can get like exhausted and I'm tired, I'm doing a million things, and I just I feel like, if it's scheduled, I know I'm gonna make him happy. Therefore I'm going to get what I need. It just works. Be like hour, You've told him don't touch me at least two or three times,

So is that like your way? I'm just bring it baby like you and to say that one more time is now I'm not going to be mad at you when you as the Christian when my diffuser do go ahead like I just kissed off creamer, it's amazing. So I'm just wondering if you use sex and like pushing away intimacy as a way of showing him that you're piste off because you know that he knows that that's your love language. And the last two last hour, you've said don't touch me at least twice and he's physically

pushed him away from you. Yeah, so it's great question up because that any push him away again. Shoot, no, um, I've never used sex against um, against us ever. For the last night when he tried to get it on last night, I was angry at him and I felt really disrespected. And what I don't want is I don't want to use sex in a healthy way. So I knew that him trying, like him him wanting to have sex to me last night, I wasn't in the head space.

And I know that if I'm not in the right headspace, I'm going to spiral it and I'm gonna start thinking about bad stuff when we're having sex, and then it's just gonna end up being bad. So if I'm not in a good headspace, and that's when does that ever happen? Like, like, in the spirit of pissing you off, potentially, did you choose to try to be intimate with her as a

way of good question? Good question, but no, honestly, but do you find it interesting that you were super attracted to her and like super horny as you just said, and wanted your juices to flow as you would say, like when you knew she was pissed off at you. That actually is a very siightful question as well, because very stute. Yeah, very stupid, because I, honestly I don't know the answer to that, because that could very well be in my subconscious being like, Okay, I know she'll

probably turn this down. So for me and with my issue with intimacy and sometimes per for me, it's like, you know, she's probably not gonna want this, so there's no pressure for me, there's no But I'm onto you though, here's the deal. Maybe I will start using it as something, so maybe I will get mad to be like I'm gonna get it. Definitely about giving a little. I think that there's another factor in all of this, and that

is Mike. When you when she's not mad at you, you guys are more merged emotionally, and that intimacy scary. But when she's mad, she pulls back from you, That pulls back in terms of the intimacy, So it makes it a little safer for you to approach given your issues around intimacy. And I think you are the perfect example of when we're angry, we withhold sex, we're pissed, we then don't want to go there and be that

emotionally connected. But one thing I want to add to the question that you asked it, and it was a series of truly brilliant questions and incredibly astute um. But sometimes with couples less you guys have experienced trauma, So this might not work for you, guys, But for a couple where there's just kind of the typical intimacy sex trouble of like, wow, we're so emotionally intimate, it's really

scary to have such close intimate sex. Sometimes getting into stuff like role playing, getting into you know, toys, bondage games like all that kind of stuff can kind of remove or even positions where you're not face to face, you know, those kind of things in kind of help lessen the intimacy and make the sex exciting and kind of shake it up a bit, but also kind of pull back on the intimacy a little. Love that. Um, Christie,

can I see the question? I want to switch gears a little bit to health and Sarah too if you want to pop on with my Mike. Um this is from Caitlin. She has a workout addiction, just like Sarah. I have to work out. When I don't, I get upset and work out even harder the next day. On top of that, I have to sweat. If I don't, then I feel like I failed myself. But question is how can I get out of this habit? Until that podcast, I would have never realized this is a bad thing.

Is this something of a concern I should take focus on or just let it go? I think it all depends again how it affects your life. I think if you're mad at yourself, or you can't enjoy your day because you haven't sweat that day, I think that there

is something wrong with that. I think you should be able to have workouts where so I can speak to this personally because I had an addiction with exercise, so um, I would say that was my means of almost like exercise bliemeia when I was in college, where I would eat a lot and then have to exercise. But I didn't feel right unless I was like pouring sweat. And so now in my adult life. I do things that actually don't sweat at a hall, which is interesting how

it's the complete opposite. But for those that feel like they can't have a good day or they are just in a you know, funky mindset all day because they haven't sweat, I understand the adorphins. I get that it's important to move your body and feel good, like there's nothing wrong with that, But when it's an absolute addiction, like if I don't sweat today, then I will have a bad day and everything will be like wrong, and

that that definitely is a problem. And for sure I would think about either talking to somebody or you know, be up for the challenge. You like, let me just see what happens if I just go out in nature and do a hike or do something like a walk instead of having to do a class where I'm like dripping sweat. How does that make me feel? And if it is a problem, then yeah, I actually think you

should talk to somebody. And I think a part of that, like to your point, because obviously we just have this come station like two weeks ago, I which I didn't say on the podcast, is when I was I think there's a difference like is it a control thing or is it it like an addiction? And for me, I had Texa Jenna and being like I feel so out of control with ties sometimes that I feel in control when I work out. So when when we were talking about the addiction thing, I was like, okay, like like

she's running for the rain. But it's like sometimes because I can think we're so good, but when we're not, I'm so out of control and I'm a control freak, and so when we're out of control, it's like if it like so that was more okay, it could be an addiction, but maybe for her it's like you need to kind of decide, Okay, is it a control thing

or is this like an addiction thing? Because I feel Jenna and I have had these conversations if we've been addicted to other things and then it's like, oh no, it's onto this or now it's onto this, and it's like, okay, it could be I'm addicted to this and now I'm not addicted to that anymore. Now it's working out, and so I feel like it's always been working out. But for me, it's more of a control I just and I feel better. I just love to work out, But

this is a good one that I think. Sorry, Christie, UM, just a lot of people with kids can probably relate to. This is from Stephanie, and I think Jane and I have kind of touched on this a little bit, just in fear of when Jolie and Chase get older. But she says, my daughter is almost twelve and went from ninety eight pounds to approximately a hundred sixteen. She has had a lot of changes during this time. Her dad not split up and we moved. She used to play

soccer but now how but now has zero interest. She loves cheeseburger's, pasta, soda and all the all that kind of junk food. We went to buy a swimsuit over the weekend and it was terrible. She's always one or two pieces and when she tried one on, she hated herself. How can I help her so that she feels better about herself? I joined the y m c A for both of us, but she but she really won't work out. Well,

how would you say she was twelve? That's really sad. Okay, So I have a lot of thoughts on this question because I do work with a lot of young kids in my private practice. And I think the first thing is to have an open dialogue about it. I think with your kid is so important to talk about it. What do you want instead of I'm going to join us a Y M C A that you really don't even want to do. So right then and there, I was like, you need to have a conversation of what

would you like to do? What interests you to move your body, because it's important to move your body. I want her to feel good in her body and wear a swimsuit and be able to go to the beach and feel comfortable. So what does that look like? So again, the first conversation I've always tell parents to do is have a real heart to heart with your child about it, which is, look, how do you complained about looking this way in a swimsuit? You're not you have been eating

all of these things. Why don't we talk about what you would want to do to be active? Do you want to go ride your bike? Should we go down to the beach and go for a walk to you like hiking? Like, let's try different things together and explore activity because the inactivity is such a problem for kids. So it's the first establishing what could be something she

would enjoy doing. Can I ask a question. I feel like today with so many helicopter parents and snowclad parents, are all those kind of concepts of them just allowing the ke it is to run the household almost and dictate what they do, what they eat, and everything like that. And you, I understand what you're saying. It's like, hey, let's make this decision together. But say the child really just says, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do this. Like at what point You're like, no,

I'm the adult, this is unhealthy. I'm your parents right there. First of all, I don't want to see you upset. Okay, So that's one thing. And sometimes I'll have the parents direct them to the pediatrician because that power struggle can be an issue. So the pediatrician says, here's where you are on the growth curve. This is really you can develop, you know, pre diabetes. These these types of things can really be harmful for your health. Then it's not just

coming from the mom and having that struggle. You're actually having an appointment with a doctor that says, look, you are head in the wrong direction, and from a health standpoint, this is where what I would you know suggest you're doing, and sometimes that takes the edge off the mom um. And then I would also say accountability for the parents, like if you're just buying what a what they want

and chips and oh, she really loves ice cream. And I do think it's important that the mom the parents take the role of bringing healthy foods into the household. I know with my kids, when they get home from school and they're hungry, I'm not just throwing them chips and all this other stuff. I'm like, Okay, let's have

So what's the balance for that? Because he's a he's a major dunk food eater, and I can't have junk food in the house because I will eat the entire bag of whatever it is, Like I had to throw away huge I'll wake up you are at three o'clock in the morning. When I woke up this like the other morning, there was an entire Oreo case empty, I was like, yeah, it was like you ate the entire bag of Oreos in one setting. Are you kidding me? There's two nights it took me to eat it. I'm sorry,

is that any better? So? And I just like I know that I can't have something in there. So my girlfriend Julie, she kept their doing these little like peep things in my bag and if I have those, like, I will eat the entire thing, and so like it's it's so, but he'll he'll bring home the gusters and the you know, the doritos. And again, if I see cheese dorritos, I will eat the entire bag in one sitting. So I know that I can't have it in the house, but he brings it home and I'm like, well, let

me do that one. But then like my daughter's eating and I'm like, well this is now. Now we're creating the environment of like not well, when I was pregnant, I was craving them. So he brought him home a lot. So I think it's very important, in my opinion that you have that balance between the two. I think it would be really strange if it's like they only ate apples and carrots and peppers and and once in a blue moon they got a chip or a parrot's bootie

or something. That would be again, it's going is healthy, Yes, it's fine market, but the point is for them to establish good, healthy eating habits right when they're young. That is a huge thing for me. So when they are hungry from school, that's when I can get in a good amount of fruits and vegetables, and then they can have their pirates booty or whatever it is that they want. And then for dessert, if they want an oreo, it's

fine as well. You have to be able to have conversations about that versus No, that's bad, that has sugar, No, that has chemicals in it, that's you know, the worst thing you can put in your body. That's not helping the child. So it's really about educating them of like eat your you know, growing foods first, or however you want to say it. And then if you want to have some ice cream after dinner, it's fine. I wrote my doctor's dissertation on weight loss and eating stories. I

have an app called No More Diets. When I hear a story like this, especially she mentioned in it that her and her husband were having problems. This is a child who's acting something out. This is about more than this is a kid who's turning to food to soothe herself. She may be being compulsive with food. She may be using food to tune out, to not take in what's going on in the household and to me, the bigger issue,

the more important issue, is the underlying anxiety. She's binding, sadness, she's feeling, whatever it is that is driving this has to be addressed. Because you can put all the healthy food that you want in the house, and you can encourage and you know, teach her about nutrition, which is all valid and legit. But if she's depressed, if she's anxious, if she is acting something out that's emotional, it's not gonna matter because she can get to our friend's house

and she's gonna eat it there. She's gonna sneak it at school, she's gonna act it out elsewhere, because it's about the acting out and it's about the developing relationship she's having the food and what she's using food for. What was the question? Okay, so I'm gonna be completely raw and honest. In middle school, in high school, I have history of an eating disorder. I'm not I'm in recovery.

I haven't had it in quite a few years. But I don't know if I'm projecting, but I a hundred percent feel that my best friend has an eating disorder, and I don't know how to approach it because I've tried kinda hint at her, but at this point, I'm lost and I'm worried. So what is your advice on what to do with that? It's a great question, and thank you for asking that question. I think there are a lot of people who may suspect of friends or

family members who are struggling. So it's it's always a hard thing of what to say, and I'm obviously going to let John talk about this as well. So the first thing that I would say is just letting her know that you care and letting her know that you're worried about her, just the two of you, obviously no other friends around, and just make it like, hey, let's go for a walk or let's go whatever, do something just the two of us, and just look at her and just be sincere and a good friend, and just

be like, I'm really worried about you. This is what I've noticed, and I don't know how to help you, but I'm really concerned, and I think you should talk to somebody, um and I think you just Again, those are those hard things because unless they want the help, unless they see that they need the help, it's very difficult. But then you kind of have to let it go.

It really hard as a friend to stand by and watch somebody suffer, But at the same time, you can't try to take them on because then you're just trying to do something that's almost an impossible thing. So I think if you just have that one on one conversation, let her know that you're there and that you're worried and that you're concerned, and that you really hope that she gets some help um and that you'll be there

for her. I think is really I mean for me, that's what I tell my clients or friends that I have had this happen. But again, I think Dr Jen coun probably, yeah, absolutely, with everything you said. And I also think that one of the great gifts of you being in recovery is that you can share that and that when you're able to say, this is what I went through and it was so painful and it was so scary, and this is what I did to get well.

A lot of the time that experience clears the way for someone to not feel judge, because it's one that's one points that you and goes like you have an eating disorder, you need help. It feels like an assault, it feels it can feel judgmental, but you're able to say I see this in you because I recognize it from me, because I've been there and this is what

helped me. And you know, I really want to see you get the help, and I'm here if you're even if you're not ready now, I just want I want us to have a conversation so that when you are ready, you know I am here for you. I will help you find a therapist. I will share the things that have helped me recover. That. That's really a great gift that you can give her. Oh, we got one more question. We'll do one more question up front. Thank you for your question. By the thank you for being vulnerable. We

really appreciate it. You have You and your partner are both trying to stay healthy. You go to the gym, and sometimes it will be me, sometimes it will be him in the aspect that screwt I'm having a bag of chips, or he'll be like, I'm not going to the gym tonight. How do you maintain or how do you keep up with your partner and saying like no, come on, like how do you get encouraged and to do it without being mean or trying to be the

boss of them. I guess there you go first. If I personally love to work out with Mike, Um, I think I do better when I work out with someone. I'm always wanting to work out with Sarah, like I just yeah all the time, like I'm always trying to work out better. We tried the whole thirty I have. I did wine thirty instead because I made it fifteen days, and I was like, I'm thirty five years old. No one can tell me that I can or cannot have

a glass of wine and justification. Yeah that's fine. But um, I tried to drag you down with me, but you you stayed real strong in your whole thirty approach. Um, and then we both died a miserable death like day fifteen. But um, I don't know. I mean for me, it's like you have to just make it your own path, your own journey. So I'm like when I asked him, I'm like, all right, fine, you don't want to because you're being lazy. Well I'm going to go out there

because this is what's good for me. And I know that when I work out, I do feel better. But I do, like I love like being around him and working out with him. So yeah, she tries, she's tried for a long time to drag me out there with her, and uh, this is my own issue, but I don't like being told what to do. And it's an invitation. It's not like I'm telling you to do this like you're working out I know, but it's like, because it was her idea, I don't want to. But if it

was my idea, I'll be all for it. So that's my own issue. Um, but you know, Janna didn't let that drag her down. She's just like, all right, this is something for me. This is what I want to do. Guess I'll look to do it with you, but I'm going to do it anyway. Tori, Chrissy, do you have anything to that before we move on to Actually, I love what you just said about your own path and your own journey. Sometimes you just have to do your

own thing. And if he decides that he just wants to sit home and eat a bag of chips, You're like, okay, cool, I'm going to feel better when I get home and you're gonna not probably feel so great. So I think I think shaming him probably probably we can think that. No, not, no, not shaming. We can think that physically, like, but I do think that the self care or aspect of it that like whether he goes or not, that you guys

are not one unit. Yes, it's wonderful when couples can inspire each other, when they can say like, hey, going, oh great, you know, I hadn't thought I'll go with you. But I think it's also important that your health and well being in self care is not dependent on his, and that sometimes in a relationship sometimes we have to be the leader in the relationship. Sometimes we're lucky in our partner will do it, but sometimes we have to

be the leader. And I think it's really important that when you make a decision you're going to the gym, whether he goes or not, you go to the gym, You take care of you, and then what he decides to do, that's on him. Tori. So I just had her own question for like kid wise, Like so meema husband have both agreed on when we have our daughter that she's not gonna have like dairy or anything like

that because we don't eat that stuff. So when we told our my, my mom is a vegan, so I'm not worried about her but his parents they are like, all, we'll feed her whatever we want to feed her when she's here, because I said, I'll pack her a lunch when she comes to your house. Can you please feed her this? Because that's how we are. And then so how do you go about because I'm like, if you're not going to give her what I want that, I'm just not going to bring her over here because I

feel like I can't trust them. How do you go about like doing that because they don't they think how we eat is like I'm like crazy, like because vegan, Like you're crazy, Like you're weird, you are and you can speak vegan. And I have two daughters who are a vegan, And you know, for me, it's it's an ethical decision in terms of my beliefs about it. For me,

it's like a religion. And if my parents wouldn't support that, I would have a real hard time sending my kids over there, not just because of the um the food that's being but also philosophically that they aren't showing you the respect as a parent of saying, you know, we don't agree with you, we really think you should feed the meat. But if this is what you want Okay, we'll do it's your husband. Has your husband talked to

his parents about this? Yeah, and I have to. I'm just like because I would say like, oh, when she comes over, like I'll pack a lunch, and they kind of just shrug it off, like oh, well, maybe she'll eat something from that, and it's like or if I get the lunch back and it's like still full, then I'm like her and it's like mine like like like I said, like ruthless. I mean, here's the question though, But what if I said to you, I'm like, I mean, I'm not. I mean, I eat meat, I eat dairy

and stuff. But what if I was like, hey, you know what, I now think it's bad to kill cows, so we're not we're gonna be vegetarians, So what are you imagining? Murdering that the same a burger I had about an hour ago? But I mean, would you if I said, like, we're not feeding Jolie meat anymore? Like, how would you be with that conversation? Like would you would you respect my my thoughts and opinions on that or would you see them? That's the things because we're

we already started reading our kids this way. You can't all of a sudden, see you started from ground up. Well she's not here yet. I'm here yet. Oh yeah, agreed on that. Yeah, he's like, hey, I want to do it. But that's the issue. I would hope you wouldn't come to and be like, I've decided we're not eying meat in this house anymore. But what you would do is I read this really interesting article. It got me thinking, I wonder if we're doing harm to our

health here here's what I read. What do you think about this? It should always be a collaborative conversation, not like I've decided this is what we're doing. Whatever I want. He kind of just like yo, like, yeah, well, speaking of meat and fish, Thrive Market now offers fresh meat and fresh seat foods. So if you change your mind, let me just tell you so. Early we were talking about Thrive Market, a revolutionary online marketplace on a mission

to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone. And like we said, you can get everything you need, snacks, cleaning products, bottom and supplements, personal care products, everything you need. And now, like Jenna said, fresh meat and seafood. Um, they're the highest quality meats. Is this really interesting? You? Right? Now the highest quality meats at the most affordable price. Says the beef is a grass fed, free range and

antibotic free um. The chicken is certified free range, certified free range in organic from small family farms. Um the seafood, I will say, we get the salmon and it is absolute delicious, so more than the Thrive Market catalog cannot be found on Amazon. So there you go. They're the largest retailer retailer their Thrive Market right there. They're like, yeah, but they are the largest retailer in the country that

sells exclusively non GMO groceries. All right, we'll just keep in mind Thrive Market sprices are already fifty off as I said earlier, and now they're giving you an extra off your first order in a thirty day trial. And of course go to thrive market dot com slash Channa, slash Janna for your extra off in thirty day trial. Maybe one of these days we're gonna thrive market dot

com slash Mike, No, no, nope, just slash Janna. We also want to shout out our friends at a dunk condoneuts because wind down runs on Duncan you know you don't have to go to the East Coast anymore. If you've got that craven for Duncan. Uh. They've got over fifty locations in the Greater Los Angeles area, as far south as San Clemente and as far north as Santa Clarita Altar. There's a great one near you. I know, there's one just down the street from me in a

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gotta we gotta shout out Shake Shack really quick. You know, we're talking about Duncan Donuts being one of the great treats from back East. It's made its way out here. Shake Shack also falls into that category. Uh. They they have made the big move out west and they have expanded their empire and they are all over the southern California area. Now. It's a modern, dary roadside burger known for its all natural Angus beef burgers, chicken sandwiches, and

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a single Shack burger all at the same time. And my my wife, Allison doesn't eat chicken, eat gluten, but she loves shake Shack too because they do an incredible gluten free bun. So shake Shack is a is a big, very popular place in the in our household. Uh And they just launched this new menu item. I've actually had this a bunch too. It's a chicken bites. There's no e in there. It's chick apostrophe and bites. It's made with all natural chicken breasts containing no hormones and no antibiotics.

It's made fresh to order, never frozen. The chicken bites are prepared with a suvied cooking method so they're extra juicy and tender, never fried. If you haven't checked out, suevied, you sure really should. It's kind of it's a crazy way to shock cook meat, but it, um, it really gives you this, uh, this really fresh taste that you that you can't get if you're just frying it. And it's a lot better for you too. Those chicken by available in either six piece or ten piece and comes

with your choice of sauce, barbecue, or honey mustard. I like to make them together. It's really really good. Head to one of shake shacks eight locations throughout Greater l A to give him a try. Locations include West Hollywood, Hollywood, Glendale, Century City, Westlake Village, Elsa Gundo, Downtown Los Angeles, or the one I frequent Burbank shake shack dot com or download the shake Shack app to get more information and find the one nearest to you. Um, you guys, please

give it up for Alan. Hi. I've been sitting Hey Alan. Um do you guys obviously know Alan? He's you know, the star of Dancing with the Stars. Um, and I had the pleasure of dancing with you a couple of times when Mr gleb was sick and had his knee issues. Um, so do you do you have any takeaways from the conversations today, because yeah, actually I was sitting there and I was thinking, a lot of this is extremely, very impactful, impactful. Yeah, but I can't talk because I don't have a kid.

But a lot of the stuff about eating disorders is especially in l A. When someone is in shape and they post a picture online and everyone compliments them and they say, wow, you look so good, you look so much better. That's going to encourage people to keep working out. And like they said earlier, sorry I don't know the names yet, but like they said earlier, if you're working out and you're you're not stopping until you feel that really good sweat. That's because other people are like encouraging

you to feel that. And I personally think it's a psychological thing because you're trying to make yourself look better for someone else. So when you were dating the Instagram model, sorry you know, I had to go there, But did you see that we're you know, because she posted a lot of like half naked. How was that, by the way, like, as like her boyfriend at the time, was that How did you feel about was that just because it was like her image and that was fine or so I

was with Alexis Frind. For those of you who don't know, Um, I'll show your last partner, my last partner on Dancing on the Star. She is a beautiful person in and out. Um, but that didn't end up so well. So for not dating anymore, for everyone asking, um, but you know we met on the show I and that's her whole career. You know she is a social media influencer. How could I tell her whether she should post something or not?

You know that's not my duty as a boyfriend. Um. I personally am a super private person, So I don't like that. You know, I post some shirtless selfie is here and there? Who doesn't I'm stopping? But you know how who am I to tell someone not to post that? And so I'm sure she feels really good when she gets this awesome positive feedback from people, from millions of people, as do I. But is that this is that healthy

to get that reinforcement from people? Well? I will say this, do you get upset when when you post something on Instagram and you don't get as many likes? So is that like an adorphin hit? Because sometimes you know that's something where the media is a drug. For sure. Yeah, where it's like, oh god, I didn't get that much on that one. Let me post this photo because I know this one will probably get a lot abrlutely. Yeah. I I mean, I personally think social media. I use it.

I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is check my Instagram and then I go back to sleep. So if any of you guys want to date him, you can just you know, the first thing we got a hand back there. What's them is that to date me? Or a question? He is here for the sex talk, let's go. I was a little uncomfortable with that. Now I'm open to it. Okay. So first, Janna, can you please come back to Seattle at some point because you'ven been there in a long time. Yes, please,

before we love to Nashville. Please. Second, I've been getting a lot of grief from my family about my appearance, whether you're too big, you're too small, and I was kind of wondering how any of you guys handle any kind of criticism just about how you look, because it's really hard and I feel like that's kind of the biggest blocker and getting me healthy is just all the constant criticism because whenever I feel healthy, then my grandma

is like, you haven't lost enough weight yet. My mom is like this, or my family and so it's just like and it's on every spectrum, whether you're too skinny or too fat, whatever, And so I'm just wondering, like how you deal with the criticism, because I think that's my biggest problem. And also, please come to Seattle. I want to talk first. Please. I think, honestly, it doesn't matter what you look like, how much you weight. It's

about how you feel. And I think that's one of the best parts about working out and and getting that physical activity is feeling good afterwards. You know, just because you work out every day doesn't mean you're healthy. You know, you can be malnourished or under you know, under the correct body weight, under the percentage of fat, which is not good, it's unhealthy. So I think it's all about

how you feel. And when most people work out, I think the whole concept of working out is creating a routine that is balanced in a good life, like where you eat healthy, you do enough physical activity where your body is balanced, and that you feel good. I personally, I don't know if when someone tells me that oh you look Like for example, when I go back home and my mom's like, oh, you look healthy, I immediately go, wow, I must have put on some weight. Yeah, I don't know,

that's just some mental that make you feel though. It makes me feel like I have to go running, like honestly, I mean, but I feel like that's the society we live in here, where everyone will tell you something and you feel like you have to fix it, even though in my mind I'm not, Like, maybe I'm just not confident enough in myself to know that, oh I am healthy.

Maybe I need that person's reassurance. And that's why, you know, Mike, I think you can attest to that well because like in it sense, like even like our friend Nick was like, you know, look at you like you don't you're not working out much or you're so skinnyca when when I have the same problem, it's totally the orios no one. When I first met all of our friends in Nashville, I was thirty pounds heavier because I was just getting

out of the NFL. And so I mean that's one of those things like Alan was talking about, it's just a societal thing where I mean, even when I was in the NFL my time, they're you know, professional athletes who you think will have nothing but confidence about their body. A lot of guys would have, you know, diet restrictions in their contract, where me had a hard time keeping on weight, and if I got under a certain amount of weight, it was a fine for every single pound,

every single pound, it was over three thousand dollars. And so a lot of times had that. Yeah, yeah, I had to stay in a range, like an eight pound range or you'd have to pay. Oh yeah, yeah it's fine. That's true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, that's true. So I mean there's a lot of guys that's actually the lineman and stuff like that. That's your candy crush life right there. Good thing I didn't get fine, I say, within my range, so I can use that money on

candy crush. More justifications. Okay, Um, but no, that just that just goes to show like no matter what profession, no matter who you are, but the important thing is as long as you're happy with yourself. But unfortunately, even in professional athletics, you're treated like a piece of meat and just a number. So you know, they don't really give about you. Okay, So I have a lot to say about this. I'm sure you do too. UM. So that's why I dislike Instagram so much and um social

media for for that particular reason. I think when when people come to see me and they are so unhappy with how they look and they feel like they have to look a certain way to be accepted and all of those kinds of things, I'm like, what are you comparing yourself to? And a lot of them will say I follow this person, this person this for so, and I always feel inadequate. I always feel bad about myself. I feel like I'm not My plates don't look as pretty,

I'm not eating all of these incredible colors. And that's why I'm not. I mean, I post pictures of my kids sometimes, but I'm not. I just it really bothers me, the whole Instagram thinks sometimes. I just I feel like it. It really does make you feel bad about yourself sometimes. So I would say, first, take a step back and analyze yourself. Are you happy with how you're living your life?

Do you feel like you are comfortable? Then you kind of have to go And I know it's hard to do, and you have to build up a little bit of a wall and thick skin and be like whatever my grandma says, whatever my mom says, whatever people think. Who gives a crap, Like, I need to be happy with myself at the end of the day, that's who you're

living with. So if you're comfortable with you, be you and what they say, you literally just have to, like somehow, some way just to have it roll off of you and not take it in and not take it like that. So that would be my first thing. And then if anything is making you feel insecure, you have to be able to take that away, take that off of you, know, of your life, because it's not good to wake up in the every morning and scroll through your Instagram be like,

oh my god, she's posted a bikini picture. Oh my god, her plates look like this, and I just had whatever for dinner last night. Then you feel like, oh my god, I'm not having these beautiful plates. If it's just comparing their lives to everything, I mean, do you compare your body to Artem and everyone else? Is like when you take like their shirts off, you like Artem has like twelve abs and I've got like sex absolutely, but that's photoshop.

I completely agree because I feel like, right now social media is just used to compare, and that's what everyone's using it for, as opposed to what I think it was originally meant to be, was to be able to reach out to people and create new connections or rekindle old connections. Is becoming a comparative tool, which is horrible. Okay, when's it going to stop? Because I feel like everybody knows that, Like everyone's is that when we talk about it. But when is it going to stop? What's gonna stop?

What you mean? They're comparing in the social We always, especially women, were always going to compare. That's that's the problem with us women, Like I feel like you guys don't compare? Do you guys compare? Like women are all I feel like that that we're always going to compare. And I don't know if you can speak on that, doctor, because it's like as much as I try not to, I've had to unfollow people on Instagram because I was

comparing so much that it was destroying my day. And I'm like, why am I letting this like put so much power on me? What do you want him to say? Like, what would you want like to hear? Like do you want to hear like you just you look beautiful, Like what is it like? I have a little bit of a controlling family. Based off of your Guys podcast last week, actually you guys are talking about what you guys will do when your kids are older and how like yore kind of baby jays more your baby don't a more

my grandparents. I found my father when I was twenty years old, and my grandparents went behind my back and told him he had a daughter before I was ready. I didn't want him to know I had found him. I wasn't ready. And so they're very involved and it's the constant criticism, and I think that was actually my trigger was that moment when I was twenty and so then now they've kind of been like, hey, we're going to keep like judging you and critiquing you, and so

I just kind of want to be left alone. But I want a good relationship. Yeah that's not okay. I mean if you can have that conversation with them, I mean, because you don't want to avoid your grandparents who you know, so that might just have to be a conversation of like, look, I love you and I want to be around you and spend time with you. It's just like you said, it's just not okay to make those comments. So I appreciate just not saying anything at all and just being

able to say that. I think is important and it empowers you to to be like, look like that's not okay and acknowledge the fact that that's their issues, not yours. And we teach people how to treat us, and they've been treating you a certain way for your whole life, and that's the way they're used to operating in the world. They don't know any better. It may not even be malicious,

it's just what they're used to do. And you have to teach them how to treat you and to say, if you talk to me that way, I'm gonna leave dinner and go home. And there have to be a consequence so that they know you really mean this. Yeah, thank you for your question. But you are beautiful though, so just know that, um Alan, you're on tour right now, Yes, you were on where the tour just ended, Well, it

was just a dancing with the Stars tour. Now me Goo and Artem created our own little what's that called dancing? Dave dancing, and how can people so they can actually dance with you. Okay, Sarah, get up here right now. Come on, Sarah, get up here right now, because I want to see so like to explain to me what day of dancing is and they can actually dance because I want to see what you'll do. I need to see. Come on, all so take take the mic, take the

micro here. Don't know what the so so describe like what you do on the tour with Artam and Glenn. Well, first, we have a cool little experience where do a meeting greed, We do a Q and A and we have three words. They get to feel the abs, Sarah, you can feel the abs. No. Um, but it's it's it's a really cool experience where we get to hang out with the fans.

And you know, a lot of the people on tour they're like, oh, we wish we could do like a dancing with the fans or something because everyone thinks their celebrity. But but this is a cool way to actually dance with everyone. And yes, she has now we can dance together. Zero You got okay? But so so when do people come are they are they beginners? Are they where can they can sign up? Damn dancing dot com. Yeah, but watch this we're gonna do a little salsa right now.

You're gonna go left foot forward. Wait, I had to get my Instagram read because it's all about Instagram. Do it together. You can go right, you're gonna go foot back, You're gonna go I'll show you one, two, three, and then you're gonna go left foot forward one to three one to look at there we go. I have never met Sarah before. Can you get a little closer? How can you see a little problems? Can I see a little something? I mean a little bit more? Yeah, once more?

What we'll do? Want like dancing with the stars, like shower action. Let's see it. Come on, can't they're dancing, they're dancing, They're they're touching, their hands, are touch shaking your dance right now? So just like you can be just like Sarah. Trust me. If Sarah can do it, anyone can do it. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm great. Oh, I'm great. It's easy. Anyone can do it. Let's let's get down to why we really all came here. You really play some music? Little? Did you guys know the

last year I's guitar player. No, I'm just kidding. Jeff following um wait for time out though really fast? Can you guys please give a round of a pause to Christie Dr jen Man Alan by Amy producer, We got tour, beall here with the Mike Drive market for hosting such an incredible event tonight bananas all you guys coming out and thank you guys so much. This is the first time.

This is kind of like our draw round before the podcast tour, and you guys have made it amazing, have validated us that fact that you guys are all here, So thank you for that. Nor is she's um no, seriously, thank you and I love you Bed not pushed anyway. Right, all right, this is my new single, Beautiful Eyes, surrounded by pieces of vows that were broke. Yeah, leaving miss speechless. It's black God don't know you everything we built his

falling down. Tell me I'm making this up the same flooring. Take me back to now I could feel I got was in love when love was just blind. I'm not ready for true to see the line. Make it up, making pretty out of mind? Tell me beautiful life. How did this happen? I thought we were per I never I imagine him feel it so world. I know why I need to face it, but I can't right now. Tell me I'm making this up, that this ain't for me. Take me back to the night I could feel like

I was enough when love was just blind. I'm not ready for the truth to see it lie, make it up, make it pretty out of my Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah, go on and tell me those beautiful Tell me I'm making this up. That's the sapori. Take me back to the night I could feel I was enough when love was just blind. I'm not ready for the truth to see the lie. Make it up, make it pretty out of mind, dream it up, make it read one more time. Tell me beautiful, Oh yeah, Please tell me those beautiful eyes.

Please tell me those beautiful h