It's Going to Be Okay

we like edit it out? Well, I will say I usually will have a little bit of a vulnerability hangover for like maybe a day, maybe a couple of hours. This one has lasted well over a week. I mean, it was just such a gut punch, like it was so honest from my heart, and the tears were so genuine that I it was just not cute. Nothing, it wasn't cute. But I also got a lot of messages. So it's hard because of my family system for me to say the things I say is not okay. There's

a lot of pushback. Why because I'm truth telling and I go against a narrative. So that's why all of that felt genuinely honest to me. But then like it also there's this little bit of like shame piece, like I'm not going with the flow kind of. But then when everyone started reaching out to me like I feel this too, it was everything I need. It's confirmation. Well, that's kind of I told you. I'm like, listen ye to talk on a podcast, to to be I think the best thing to be able to do. And it's hard.

I mean whenever I'm vulnerable, or when you're authentic or not authentic that's a bad word. When you're vulnerable and you share, sometimes it's very um it's hard because you feel very exposed. Yeah, I felt naked in the middle of like an arena. Yeah, and so but I'm like, but that's where that's how you connect to people. You can't just kind them on here and not speak from your heart and tell the truth, which I think that's

why you and I are friends. Yes, And I think that's why people connect to you, is because you're honest and yeah, and you speak with vulnerability and you speak with and then that's what people that's what people connect to. Yeah, people connect to people, Yeah, not ideas of people. So I think I think, uh, I think that showed so much last week. And so there's any bad comments I don't want to know, Well, that's the thing that's the problem,

Like when you open yourself up. I didn't read and then people know I didn't either, and I've you know, you guys have taught me to stop reading. But it's hard because when you open yourself up and then you see people go, well, she should feel terrible for having relief for this or that, and it's like whoa, and then you were like you feel that's where the personal attack comes in. And it's hard because it's like, but I shared so vulnerably and like, how do you not understand?

Like and then it's like you almost Then where I go is I want to defend and then that's just like it's a rabbit hole that just like gets that Michigan grit gets us every time. But I will say people did have my back last week though about the swapping they did. Did they not have my back? Then? They're like so many people were like, oh no, that's how I met my so and so, and then poor funny Jewish guy was like, listen to the episodes, so

I guess we are just friends. It's like getting broken up with on a post it find out on a podcast. But I was like, we already had this conversation. They're funny Jewish guy so much I know bless um. So he's not coming to the podcast for the holidays. No, he's not coming for holidays. There is someone this is really funny. So I went to do you want to hear the story? I haven't even told you? Was like, this is I get excited. This is like inside of queendom.

There's a lot of I like that where it's like because it's christened kind of told me one of the best things that I've heard. I think it was where it was either's too much blue? Oh yeah, I'm too much blue? And she goes over sharing that, but also like the guy needs to have like anybody, and there shouldn't be that much blue for anybody. Right, Yeah, that's a lot of gray. That's a lot of gray. This is good. This is good. So life in the gray

area looks pretty tunting. Who is this? Well? This is okay again, Like y'all you guys know, I'm just like, I'm open. You're dating dating, right, just like I've never been good at dating. Well me neither. I meet someone, I'm like, I want to get married. That doesn't seem accurate. Oh wait, let me google just a couple. That's okay. I just know what I love to love. I know, and I like that you go all in I do. I'm like, here's my heart. But this time you're going

all in on your yes. And so this time I'm with an optional funny jewish guy here and there, an optional boring guy that I wanted out here and there he's out good good, shoot, I can tell you something that I did. No, I did? What did you do? Did you do the closure blue text? I need to know it's bad? Tell me this is like so this is like a group not y'all are just in it with me right now? I know, I have sweaty hands, like maybe we shouldn't be you tell them everything on

this podcast? Not everything kind of kind of but no, I'm like, this is actually a topic. I want to talk to them. I can go back to there's so many things. Okay, I actually have a one to maybe Okay, yeah, I know it's a little juicy or two for me. Okay, let me hurry up with my no no, no, And we don't even have to get to it, can table. I didn't to qualify it. So this is like a dropping no, this is kind this is great. Okay, so let's go back to boring Jewish guy just for a

hot minute. I wish I could share his nickname. Okay, Um, I sent a text, I know, why are we wrapping today? Nothing to wrap up if you had nothing in the first place. But it wasn't a wrap up, which makes it even worse. What was it picture? So no, I didn't send a picture a video? I did. It was it was a video because he might be in the sports world, and it was a video of Jace playing baseball.

M and so I sent it to him now and then I said, I thought this might cheer up your DAGs and I I could just tell from the stuff there was like a rough day. I thought that this would might inspire your personality because my almost four year old has more personality in his big toe. Continue, I said, why this is I'm going to the topic. Okay. So I sent this message and I said, I thought this was Um, I'm so mad. Yeah, I'm I'm equally a

little bit angry as well. I know I'm gonna get to the topic though, But I said, so, I thought this might make you smile, cheer up. Um, I said, you've been on my heart we taught you nothing, damn it. And I said, like, I hope you're doing well, because again we would talk every like two days, and then it went to like and by talking mean you talked, and he gave appropriate no no. I know he would always text me first though I never texted him first ever.

And then when he told me to start texting him or text him when I feel that's when it stopped. Was like, what the heck? And so then I didn't. I maybe like texted a few times and then and then what happened was then all of a sudden, we this this is also what bothers me with the dating world. It went from him texting me every two days to like hitting her fro him for two weeks. I'm kind

of like what happened? And that's when we kind of had the conversation like my personal detachment issues blah blah blah. So cut to then it's been another two weeks since that whole corporate message personal attachment stuff. But I was just like, you know what, I'm just gonna send a thing, and so I sent that and then I was like, you know, you've been on my heart. I'm like, hope you that heart really bothers. That's the part where I'm like, have we learned nothing? Damn it. It's genuine of you,

an authentic of you. It's just not going to ever Land anywhere that's going to feel like it's reciprocated. I know, well, this is where my This is the topic right here that I'm about to get to is this. And I sent a little blue heart And the second I sent the text message, I was like, damn it, no, no, no, no, we're trapped were tractor tractor tractor track? Why is there not an unsend button? There is on Instagram, There is

no not on text mess and there should be. I am so angry at myself that I sent that because I know better. What did you want? Well, guess what do you sent back? Damn it? Black heart to you too? No do we need any more signs to Okay? So one thousand million person I literally woke up to that. Mario, Oh and I'm done. I'm done. But we rolled back the tape on two episodes ago when we also anybody does anybody have that audio? And we just insert it

right here, so I, um, black are not new? Oh wait there is now with the new iOS, Apple will come see stop. Really, there's a new one, Jackie. Please come on here. Please lease lea lea LEAs list. It's

gonna be helpful and also scandalous. This unsaid what because there's so many things that I've said that I'm like, oh shoot, I want to take that back, Like you know that when like last year with my divorce, like things where I was angry with I'm like, well, I told you to pack the freaking lunchbox, you know, like why didn't you forget it? It's like dis similar this morning?

Where's the garage door opener? Jannet. You can in the new iOS you can unsend and edit messages, but we'll tell the other person that you did it to be fifteen minutes after you sent it. I don't need I need. I need I need to after the second I send it. I need the unsend because you know, in the moment, I mean literally the second I press sent, I go, oh no, Janna, why did you do that? We need a fifteen minute delay on Kramer's life at all times.

I think you can't mean you should get one of those like medical bracelets and just as weight fifteen minutes before hitting sent, you know, like she had that it's called the queendom and she doesn't use it or the medical bracelet. We've said, We've even said text us in the group chat, any of your feelings, pretend were the guy. Just send it and let us respond to you the way it should be responded to and that you won't get. And yet here we are on episode I have to

I have to test this out. Are you sending something to me? Have you updated your iOS? Hello, Kristen, I don't know. Maybe I'm gonna go hello Christen more delete? No, okay, I'm gonna have to Maybe I didn't. You have to update your iOS and then the feature should be already get there. Well, I could have used it last night. Black Heart to you, Kramer, Welcome. So I'm done for real this time. I just need like a pinky swear or something, a document or an Affidavid. I'm exhausted. When

is this over? But I was like but then I was like a block, like what like here and here's the thing, just tell me, like when you're done. But that's what what like I kind of did? Did he? Well? He he kind of? When someone here's the thing, when someone stops communicating with someone, I'd rather I would like I wouldn't meet when he tells you Eastern, but I didn't. We just text me for over two years, like I think we know. I think I want someone to be

like hey, like you do change the game. I want to be like, hey, I'm really not into this anymore that I would appreciate that. For example, this one guy was texting me saying, um he was saying, it's an l A based guy. Uh yeah. He was like, hey, like I want to see you again, you know, would

you like to hang out again? And I'm like, personally, I was like, I just I'm not in that space and I don't know romantically if I'm if I'm feeling it, And so that to me is how it should be handled, both very respectful instead of like I'm not going to text you for two weeks. Well that's why I asked why you sent it, because I feel like the one thing I've always loved about you is that your heart on the sleeve. And no, but it is a good thing. Like when you think of someone, you just send them

that you're thinking of them. That's like a really wonderful characteristic. If more people did that, the world might be a kind or softer place. So if you're sending it just because you're like, man, I was just genuinely thinking of a hope as well? Or did you send it hoping there with some sort of like something more than a black heart was going to come back? These may not be answers you're willing to share with your beautiful podcast family.

This might be an internal or a diary question, but I would challenge to ask you eas didn't just sent me a black heart? And I want to east and great you're our newest love interest. Wait wait, look again, did I actually send it? Look at your tex How did you want to send it? Oh? Wait, it's there? Oh wow you Oh it says you and sent a message. Jane K can still see the message say well, because I don't think you've updated yet. Oh wow, that's gonna

be dangerous. So everyone has to be on the new iOS for us all to play the game software updates, download and installed. Okay, I'm going to download it while we're gonna take a break and bring our guest on, and then we're going to try it again once um the guests is done. Because now I'm this, this is

this is like the most needed thing for me ever. UM. So it's gonna download, We're gonna take a break, get our guests on, and then we're gonna unpin something that Kristen is going to bring to the table, and then I'll answer the other question maybe someday, probably not in her diary offline alright. So our guest coming on. Her name is Dylan Lovitt and she has a blog called we Got this Blog. UM. So her dad committed suicide

UM at four when she was fourteen years old. UM. And so she's been able to grieve and um heal through writing UM. And so she's got this blog UM.

And she actually wrote a blog post that we saw about coming on wind on podcast UM, and so we reached out to her because we thought it would be um, you know, obviously a conversation and something, you know, like when she wrote about coming on wind Down, it's like, hey, like there's you know, there's things that she wants to share and things that people, um, you know, UM should hear like one of her things. As grief is just like the ocean, there are so many parts that are

undiscovered UM. And some wounds just don't heal and they never will and UM. So we're gonna get her on and talk to her about her blog post and how she's doing today another late day for me, I'm sure. Dylan, Hi girl, Hi, how are you good? How are you? I'm good? Thank you, Dylan. You're beautiful, Kristen, I'm sweet. Hi. Um. First of all, how old are you now? So I'm seventeen. I gotta tell you there's an injustice in the world. Are you ready? When I was seventeen, I didn't look

like you. We all had a mandatory ugly phase. We all had to go through it. And your generation doesn't have that anymore. It's absolutely you all just go from cute to stunning. Oh my god, you're both are so sweet. I was like so nervous getting ready to got my hair done this morning. I was like, I did my makeup. I was like, I'm like on the phone with my grandma, Like, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous, Like I want to look really good, like I want to look put together,

like I didn't do that. I think that's fairly honest. Well you have. You look amazing and um, we're so

happy to have you on the podcast. Um. We saw your blog post about coming on the show and we're just really happy to have you on here and UM again, as a she's seventeen year old, I mean to be um, to have walked what you've already walked, and to be so vulnerable and sharing, like I just want to, like, first of all, like affirm you and just say thank you, like for for having um the heart and the and the you know, and and I think to like you,

you probably want to help other people with with your words, and I think that's a beautiful thing. Totally. Yeah, that's that's really why I set out to start this blog and to write about my story because where where I come from, I live in New Jersey, and I'm also

young with a teenager. I've never really I never really met someone who had been through something like this before, and so I often felt really lonely, like I had my mother and my sister, and I'm a twin, so my sister and I are very much like we see

a lot of things similarly, some things differently. UM, But really, I I was like, I have met nobody who's ever, you know, had these type of experiences, and I'm like, I don't want other people who, unfortunately in the future, may go through something like this to feel like they didn't have anybody to help them out and to guide them and to show them, you know what, A lot of days are really really difficult, and a lot of days are really hard, but not every day is super difficult,

and not every day is super hard. Like I'm oftentimes a very happy kid. I feel very blessed in my life. I'm very lucky to live where I live and to be given such amazing opportunities. Um, I have my dream job. I teach kids martial arts. Like I I really do often feel very grateful for my life. But then there are you know, things that have happened and things that I wish didn't happen. Um, but yeah, that's why I said, you know what, daih, you gotta start this, you gotta

write this, you can do this. And and here I am today fell in at seventeen the words too that she's speaking, and I'm like this, are you gonna be running an empire gon a ceo of like I mean, my god, planning your own helicopter on top of your skyscraper. I'm here for it, Lancz. I mean, I guess let's go back to um, to that time you were fourteen, when your father committed suicide. Um, where where were you? Where was Um? Yeah, just kind of like set that scene for us. Yes, So he died on a Tuesday.

He died on October twenty nine, twenty nineteen, And it kind of started off as any regular day. He Um. He drove my sister and I to school, and we were listening to music and we were laughing, just kind of what we normally did, and it was just a normal car ride. And then he told us he loved us, and we told him we loved him back. And that was the last time my sister or me would ever see him, and I'm fairly certain it was the last

time my mother would ever see him. Um. Right after school, UM, my sister Alex and I had a tennis lesson, so we went straight from school to tennis, where we played in a two hour clinic. And everybody in my family plays tennis. My dad was like a ridiculous golfer tennis player, and um, and I played really well that day, Like anyone who plays tennis knows that sometimes you have really good days and sometimes you have some not good days

on the court. But I felt like I just played amazing, like I had scored like several points on like the best kid in our clinic. I felt like at the top of the world. I mean, it didn't really matter, but I was like, oh my gosh, like he's the best kid and I can keep up with him. And the first person I wanted to tell after my lesson was my dad. I'm like, he's gonna be so proud of me, and he's gonna give me a high five

and hug and and I got home that day. I got home that night and nobody knew where he was. Mother's looking for him. I'm looking for him, I think I it. It was like called out his name, Lynned and answer. I was like, Okay, he's probably in a work call. He worked from home. So I go to my room, My sister goes to her room. And then about ten minutes after we got home, I hear my mother screaming to leave the house and sorry, I take

my sister. And it was raining outside. It was a gross night in New Jersey, and we went to our neighbor's house where we were there for two hours. Was zero knowledge of what was going on. What did you just say, What's happening in that moment? Like what is your fourteen year old brain think? Like you're you're no questions asked, You're just leaving. I thought that there was something wrong with my dog. I don't think I processed, and like I thought that it could be my dad,

like I thought. I don't know why I thought this, but um, my cousin has epilepsy and I'm super close with my cousin, so I'm like, maybe it's brody. And my mom's got a call from my aunt. Like I really had no idea. I mean, we're walking slate at night. My sister's crying, trying to comfort her. I'm like, Lex, it's okay, Like it's gonna be all right, Like Mom's gonna text us and we'll be home in a half hour and then we could do our homework and eat dinner,

like everything's gonna be fine. Um. We go to our neighbor's house and we were there for like I said, we were there for two hours. I think we watched like six episodes of Friends. He Um, he was super sweet. He's like, we can order in pizza, we can order in dinner. My sister and I are like no, no, no, Like we don't want to intrude like, we're probably not gonna be here for that long and we're just gonna leave this guy with like it's like a full pizza pie.

Like we're like, like, it's fine. Um. And maybe like an hour and a half into into it, my sister looks at me and goes still, I think I should text Dad, like what's going on? And I said to her. I was like, I was like, no, Lex, I think you should wait for him. And in hindsight, I'm so happy that I did that because it's the last text my sister sent to my dad was Oh my gosh, Dad, what's happening? And he responded, I feel like that would have been so haunting for my sister, and and so

I was like, just waight um. About two hours later, my uncle comes and picks us up, and I'm so confused, Like, like I said, my cousins was like five minutes from my house, and I'm like, why is my uncle picking me? Like that's that's so strange to drive me a few houses down. But I had never seen him look so sad, and he was quiet the whole thirty seconds. And we get in the house. The door was unlocked, and both my sister and I walked into the kitchen and we

see family members surrounding our kitchen table. We have like a like an oval table or like a circle table, and a bunch like my uncle, my other uncle was there, my aunts were there, my family friend was there, and they all look so sad, and I'm like, like, what's going on? So my mom sits us down and she calls to her sister. She's like, Steph, can you come with me? My aunt nods, and then the two of them take my sister and I on upstairs and they sit us down on the floor, and I want to say.

My mom gave like a speech like guys, it's gonna be okay, We're gonna get through this. We're gonna stick together. And she said Daddy took his own life tonight, which was the most shocking thing I had ever heard I And I remember I didn't process that it was my dad because my like, I's up calling my dad daddy like years before, and my mom didn't call him daddy.

He was just dad or my father whatever. And I remember being like, wait, like my dad like my father, and she nods, and then I just turned to my aunt and I'm like screaming in her arms like no, like over and over and over again, like because I never thought that anything like this could have ever happened to me. I mean I thought that this was stuff that just happened in the movies, Like it wasn't gonna

happen to my family. Like we we were fine, Like we were you know, your I don't want to say, like your picture perfect family, because every family has problems and issues, but you know, like in terms of what we looked like to maybe the outside worlds, like my parents, um had been married for maybe like sixteen years, fifteen sixteen years at that point, Like my sister and I were happy kids. You know, we had a lot of friends. My mom knows everybody, my dad knew everybody. Like we

just looked like you're kind of normal, average family. And so later that night, I go in the shower and I'm like, I'm like sobbing, like my eyes out, like I'm so in shock, and I'm like like I I say this to people, and I say this to my blog. Like before he died, I felt like I was almost standing on top of a mountain, like I had everything

anybody could ever dream of, friends, family, my dream job. Um, I lived a beautiful life, and then when he died, I almost felt that mountain kind of crumbled beneath me, like everything I had ever thought or pictured, like like future with him was just gone. And so I cry in the shower and there's people in and out of my home when I get out of the shower, and I'm like, I really want to listen to music. Because my father and I loved country music. It was ours

thing together. We love to go to concerts, we love to play it in the car, and his favorite songs I go back by Kenny Chestney, and so I remember turning it on and like crying to it and like singing it and just feeling so broken and in shock that this is what had happened to me. So yes, so that was That was Next month will be three years jelling mhm, you are just an incredible human being. Like I have no words for how you articulate. No, it's how you articulate, how you can identify your emotions,

the bravery and the courage you have. I mean, it's it's really I don't think you'll ever quite understand until you're a bit older, how phenomenal you really are. I mean, truly this is a really, this is a that's a day. October twenty nine is the day that turns your life around and it shape it's it's day one of a completely new life. Yeah, I mean I echo everything you

just said. I mean, I'm just sitting here like just the grace that you carry even just like talking about it and then you know what you're doing with it now, And I think, you know, I wonder like, did did you ever? What was the hardest thing? Was it? Not? Like knowing why? Yeah? For me, like I kind of thought that something was off a few days before he died. My father was a very colorful person with a very big personality. And I say these people all the time.

When I talked about my dad, I'm like, he either loved you or he hated you. He was like a very like black and white type of type of person. But he was like the funniest person I had ever met, and like he wasn't like it wasn't like dad jokes, like the type of jokes that you probably shouldn't share. You're like teenage kids are like your young kids. But

he just really didn't care. And I noticed that he kind of wasn't himself and I just kind of equated it to like his lack of sleep, because he had gone home from like Hilton Head a few days before and he was a terrible sleeper. So I'm like, oh, Dad's probably just tired. But I didn't think anything of it.

But that kind of falls under like the what if category that I think a lot of people who grieve kind of get trapped under, like what if I did this, if I said this, and there's and I hope you know now that there's nothing, because I mean, you know, very different scenario, but like in things that have happened in my life, I'm sure christ and yours too, where it's like, oh what if you know, what if you know, we didn't do this podcast and you know, we exposed

to much of our path, like maybe we would have been able. It's like there's no matter what um you could have done or you think you could have done differently, people are always going to make their own choices, regardless of what the other person does, you know, And mental illness is just that, like your dad is obviously, as you're saying, like battling for so long these you know, it's an it's an imbalance, that's the hardest part. This isn't that selfish, He's not. You know, there's all those

things that go through. But you know, if you're low on vitamin D, you take vitamin D right. And if you're if you have something, if you're whatever, if you need more teena drink of protein jake, if you have a mental illness. I have these discussions recently with some friends of mine that are not they're feeling shame overtaking

medicine to manage anxiety or depression. And I've been on both of those medicines at some points in my life, you know, and like still depend on it, some of those medicines some of my life same some medication for anxiety depression O D. And there's no shame. People should never ever feel shame for going on medication to help them. And sorry, just go fever. Your dad's fancy dad, and Dad's like, I'm in this. Dad is bringing them. Any moms out there at a controls moment, just now, oh

my god, and your dad is showing up. I know he's like he's like he's like, oh my gosh, let me make my own presence and kind of crash a little. Is that like his personality to do that. Yeah, I thought there was a joke start to the very end. He he definitely did that to kind of like kind of be funny and like show off. Well he just

did it. Dad, Welcome to the interview, Dad Dylan. Tell me, can you tell me, like would you if I'll say one word because I don't want to make it too difficult, but give me like one word to describe your dad, like how you see your dad now post death and grieving the person that he is to you but was to you. What's one word you would used to describe in um, I would say one word to describe You

can pick more words. I just didn't want to make you have to like Yes, it's like as a writer, I like have like a million words in my heaving

all the time. But I would say, like the word to describe my father that I think kind of goes before he passed after and is hardworking like my father before he died, like he ran his own business, and my mother was like to stay at home mom, and she always like my mother drove my sister and I at all these places and made sure that my sister and I like got everywhere we needed to be on time, but my father was up in his office like like

making the money and and working. And then I also think even after he died, he was hard working because I know now that I didn't know then that it takes a lot of It takes a lot to continue to keep going when you really don't want to hold on anymore, and it takes a lot of hard work

to continue moving forward. But I also think, you know, he didn't come to this decision lately, and even though we don't have these conversations, and we can't ever have these conversations, like I know for a fact that this was his last and final straw um. So I would say for me, my father was just like I see what you know he went through with his work and being a business owner, and and I see kind of the toll it took on him. But no matter what, he's still he just wanted my family to have the

best life possible. Like he didn't grow up with that much money, my mother didn't grow up that much money. Like, but he wanted my sister and I to live and my mother too, But he wanted us to live a life of comfort. And I think that's the biggest word, Like I could say he's funny, I could say he's athletic, and all those things are true. But I think for me, when I talk about my father, I like to dig deeper into kind of like like the surface level things. Um.

You said in your post um. One of the things is you have every right to blame the person for dying by suicide, and anyone who tells you otherwise is naive. You want to touch on that a little bit, sure, So when my father passed, I was really agree. I didn't understand how he could do this to my family.

I didn't understand how he could put us like his passing broke me into a million in one different pie says like I had never felt as broken as I did, and and so I would blame him, and I would get angry because I was so hurt and felt so abandoned by him. So I wrote that because I wanted people who have lost a loved one to suicide to not feel ashamed for being angry or for blaming the person. Like these are in my eyes, very normal reactions and

very normal emotions. But I think sometimes people like people who have never been through something like that can kind of look at it and be like, well, you can't blame the person because they were fighting battles or but they were in pain and they were hurt and and they just wanted to be at peace. And that's true. But it's also like if you've been through it directly, then you know that so many emotions come from that.

And I didn't want people to kind of look at themselves in the mirror and go, well, I shouldn't feel this, this isn't okay, this isn't this isn't right. I should be happy that there are a piece. I should be happy that they're no longer suffering. So that's why I wrote it, so I could almost validate, like it's okay to be angry, It's okay, yeah, And there's so many unfin there's so many conversations that you don't get to have. My dad passed away last July, and it was quick

and not unexpected. But I didn't I didn't have this hospice moment that I thought I'd always have my whole life where I could like have this face to face. And I've learned something that I've called heaven reckoning, which is just this, like the conversations you have in the processes you go through without that person, and sometimes I just will for me. I guess I just felt like there just has to be a reason. It's only a

one sided conversation. Maybe you wouldn't be able to hear or understand or comprehend or you know, digest what I had to say. But the heaven reckoning conversations are still really hard and very unfair, and they're still anger totally. I mean, your dad left a tremendous legacy by leaving you with us, like he has contributed a massive amount to the world just by having you. And there's two of you because there's a sister. When um, you also wrote to I said, UM, which, gosh, there's so many

things where like grief is like the ocean. There's so many parts that undiscovered. And that's so true, Like things come up and you know they're different pieces and parts and times. UM, And I think an, I think too. I'm curious that you say some wounds just don't heal and they never will. And I'm curious, like where you're at with then, like what do you see healing? Like? Um, Like how do you deal with Yes, the wound is there and it might not ever fully hear heal, it's

going to be um there forever. But like, how do you kind of go okay to not um to to protect the wound and to keep like and to keep going and not just um yeah, to keep to keep moving forward. So when I wrote that wounds don't heal, I kind of played that off as like like I feel like everyone knows the saying, like like time heals all time heals all wounds, and I don't look at

that it's true. And because I'm like even still, like three years later, like I'm not as sad all the time or I'm not as you know, hurt all the time, but I'm still like even a few days ago, I was doing some writing or college because that's what I feel like my whole life is like right now is college. Um. And I was listening to like music, and I just kind of stopped in my tracks and just started falling

my eyes out, Like I'm sitting in my bed. It's like one am, and I'm just crying because I'm like, oh my gosh, like he's been gone for three years, like he's missed out on so much good that has happened in my life, Like he's missed out on so much, but I don't like um. But even though he's missed out on so much and there's time we could have had together that we can never get back, I choose to move forward with two memories that I already have with him and the blessings that I already got to

you know, share with him. Like my father and I were very very close. Like I said, he worked from home, didn't really travel for work. He would travel to like hang with like his girlfriends, um, but he was always around. Like something that I always love is that my family at dinner with each other around the dinner table pretty much five days a week. My mother would cook or we would order in, but we always, no doubt eight

dinner as a family. And so I choose to you know, kind of move forward by saying, you know what, like, even though fourteen years isn't enough and I should have gotten more time, the time that I did have he is good, Like we had really good moments together, and I choose to hold on to those really tightly because they're they're mine. They don't belong to anybody else. They are my memories to hold close and to hold dear,

and nobody could take them away. And nobody can tarnish them or kind of like pick them apart and then put them back together their own kind of way. So so I choose to say, you know what, I'm lucky, and now you get to, you know, maybe one day, you know, when you have kids, you get to honor the memories by having making sure you guys do family dinners every night and and honoring something that he loved

and enjoyed too. And I think that's that's beautiful. What would you say to the kids out there that are dealing with um, you know, a family member that has died of suicide or a friend, because I know there's just I can't even like the kids this young getting younger brother day and that's just like breaking my heart. But yeah, what would you say to them that are

they're going through it in this moment? I would say something that I used to hate hearing, which might sound weird, but I got so many like texts and messages from people saying it will be okay at the beginning, and it was like the worst thing. I felt like someone could say to me, like, what do you mean it's

going to be okay? Like my father's dead, Like I'm a I'm a fourteen year old girl living with one parent, like Father's Day, like everybody gets to hang out with their dad, and I'm going to a cemetery and I was like, I was like, it's not gonna be okay.

How could it ever be okay again? But as I got older, and as I got wiveser and had more experiences, like I've fallen into depression and i have anxiety, and I've experienced panic attacks, but I'm okay now and I've been able to kind of pull myself out of some really dark places. So to those kids who have lost a parent or a sibling or a best friend, I

would say it's gonna be okay. It might not be okay right now, and it might not be okay two weeks, two months, two years, but at some point you're going to wake up in the morning and you're not gonna want to get back into your bed right after you get out. You're not going to want to crawl into like a hole and be alone. I'm not going to cancel on plans with friends, like you will find yourself doing things that you didn't think you would do again, Like frankly, for me, like I didn't think after my

father passed it, I would ever laugh again. I didn't and I would ever laugh smile. I was like, my father was the funniest person I know, and I loved him and he loved me. I'm never gonna smile because nothing is ever gonna make me happy ever again, because I'm too sad, I'm too angry and to her, too broken, never gonna be happy. And and that wasn't true. Like there have been so much good that has happened in my life that has made me smile and that has

made me happy. Like my job, for instance, makes me so happy. Like working with my my karate students is probably one of the biggest joys of my life because I've worked later today. Because my kids are so like they see the world so like, so uniquely, and they all like they're so funny and so like, and there's always uh entry canning story to bring home, like to my mom and my sister, there's always like a kid

always says something funny or does something funny. Even I mean the other day I almost like, I like tripped over something and my kids are like looking at me and like I'm like, you guys, didn't see that, And they're like they're like laughing and smiling, and I was laughing and smiling too, Like I, like I said at the beginning, I'm a naturally happy kid. Like I'm someone who who smiles. I have like when I'm around people that I'm comfortable with, like I'm goofy and I'm silly

like and I try. I try and make jokes like whenever I can. And I don't consider myself to be the funniest person by any means of no comedian, but I think that like I'll be the doctor's appointment and I'll try and make the doctor laugh. Or I'll be at school and I'll try and make my teacher laugh. I'll try and make my friends laugh, and then I'll laugh long with them. So and like I said, those are things that I just thought we're gone. I thought

when he died, he passed. He took my happiness, he took my smile, and he brought him with him to heaven and that was it. It's not true, No, And he lives within you. You know, Dylan, what was your dad's name. His name is Eric. Eric. I'm glad Eric gave us to you. Yeah, you're a special person. You are wise beyond your years. You're beautiful and He is shining through you. The best parts of him live within you.

Thank you. Where can our listeners find you so that they can read everything that you write and your words and fall along with your journey. Yes, so my blog is titled we Got This. You could just kind of type it into like your U R L and I should be the first thing that pops up. I have an Instagram titled we Got This. Blog was like an underscore they can they can follow me on there. I'm always posting quotes or back the latest post that you know I just uploaded. Um, so you looked me up

on you know Google. It's weird that people can like Google like my work. I didn't think like and think that can ever happen to me. There's goodness, girl, there is goodness and all of that. You know, there's and and you found it. So um, thank you so much for coming on wind out. This is just stunning. Thank you. This is like one of the best, you know, opportunities I've ever been given. Like, I mean, I've been listening

to music for years. I wrote in my post that you know, my dad introduced me to your music, like years ago. We were on the golf course and he's like, I have a really good song for you. I was I was like, okay, what is it. He's like, you should this not I got the Boy by Janet Cramer. So so I'm like okay. So I listened to it and we're on the golf course, like this is a good song. And then I went home and looked you up on like Google and it was like watching music videos.

I'm so bad that we were able to connect. And you're just keep shining, keep being the boss that you are in the light that you are. Thank you, so love you, Dylan. I'm gonna hug you someday real hard, and I'm not letting you go. It's a warning. So okay by Dylan. Bye bye, sister. How I am mean seventeen? I mean just she doesn't even know how phenomenal she is. No, I mean she's just she's just plugging along, I mean, writing and helping and so so much grace too. I mean,

she's just she's incredible. Can I tell you that those little Jersey accents get me a time. I would listen to her talk all day. I mean, she's so she's beautiful. She really is Um, I really don't have much. I don't have yeah, No, I mean, I'm just I'm so glad that she was able to come on the show. And I can not even imagine fourteen, Like, gosh, what

a what an age too? I mean this, yeah, I mean at any age that that I can't imagine, but such a formative I mean that he teenage, so many emotions already, and then to now you're so aware to like my parents got divorced most thirteen, I knew everything that was going on, and when you come home at two in the morning was not right and not a

good thing. Yeah. And it's interesting because I feel like at that age, what you don't know, well, you know everything, but what you can't figure out you try to figure out without asking. And what she's learned way beyond you know earlier, I wish I would have learned. It's like I took my dad leaving at two in the morning and then leaving our family and going to the essentially

the mistress was m hmm. Then the worth that I took with me like, Okay, I'm not worried worthy of a man's love, and so then I then I start attacked so like but she's like she's so beyond that, beyond her years, like that they the work that she's already done, and like the knowledge and the to be able to go like it's you know, it's it's incredible. I know. I was like, I would give to feel that it's seventeen because I would have had three less marriages.

They all tell us something and one gave us two kids. All right, don't diminish all those unions, screamer, You've done hard work out there. Um Dylan, Okay, there were some really good things, really good topics, and we kind of went all over the board. But if this episode is now going to run super long, so can we put a pen? We can pen because I need to have a minute to how to phrase things anyways. Okay, so

let's put it in our phone, not on send it. No, I can't un send it because I haven't updated in my iOS. But I won't unsend. I'll remember and I'll just frame it. Okay for next episode, Yes, for next week's Okay, stay tuned. I'm so said bring the popcorn by y'all. Bye. Mm hm