Ep. 22 How to Spot a Narcissist

answer the questions. And I learned a lot about my husband this past one. Yeah, like what he doesn't believe in soulmates? What I don't exactly. I don't believe that there's one person in this world that is meant for you. But do you believe in I believe in multiple soulmates. You can have friends who are soulmates. You can have you know, a deal with certain lovers that you have made this deal to learn this lesson and grow with and then you move on and there might be another soulmate.

So I believe in multiple. So you believe in multiple and you don't believe in soulmates at all? Well, my whole thing. The whole stigma in my mind is soulmatee is there's one person for you? And that's why yes, I'm saying and when I say yesterday I said we're meant to be. Absolutely we're meant to be. Then what's the difference between meant to be in soulmate? Because then I just my whole thing is that I feel like

the expects I feel like the expectation. You're setting expectations so high where you might meet someone great and maybe they don't check one box and then all of a sudden, people are like, oh, they can't be my soul mate because my soulmate would have these characteristics. I feel like people are just setting their expectations by looking for one person out there as opposed to seeing what's in front of them and being and not being blinded by their

high expectations. Is being like, Wow, this person is amazing, right, but that's your one. Why can't the one slash be your soulmate? I think that's what it's trying to say. Soul mate at this moment, well, that's what she probably have multiple soul mates. I feel like your soul mate is the one. I feel like there are lots of different people that you can be with. Obviously, we've all been in different relationships. There's I think there's different people

for possibly different seasons. But I believe your soul mate, slash the one is the one that you stay with, the one that you like. For example, my mother, she was married to my father for twenty something years. Was that her soul mate? No, it was the one that during that season and she was meant to have kids. But her soul mate, her one is the one that's she's married to now that's going that they're going to be together forever, and that's her twin flame, not her

soul mate. But this is the same, right, twin flame is very different. No, Lobster's Friends is fens twinlame different. What's twin twin flames is what your mom's experience. Now, Like that's really meant to be. You are twin flames burning the same candle in the same pace, and you guys are really say, I think that's the same definition of a soul mate. Like I think if you stay with me, Michael, that you were my soul mate. I thought I've had other soulmates, but those people left, right,

But that's the thing. It's it's all You'll think they're your soul mate. Then all of a sudden something happens, they must not be my soul mate. And then you find another person. Oh I really like this person there soul mate, And so people just say the next the next three thing is their soul mate. Okay, we're married right now. So you still don't think I'm your soul mate. I think we're meant to be. What is the difference.

It's just like turning you. I'm ready to this, but I don't understand what the different Like I'm truly at like, what is the difference. So now you're saying there are multiple soulmates, I'm not saying there's multiple there's multiple people in seasons, yes, I think, but your true soulmate, so

I think there could be multiple ones. But you're true soul mate is the person that stays with you, that is with you till the end, you fight through stuff, you don't leave when stuff gets hard and you fight. That is your soul mate. You are living with your with your mate and your souls together, and we are doing that. But people's I'm just saying people's idea and your soul mate, yes or no. We need a soul mate expert. People's idea of soul mate is that there's

one person one not multiple soul mates. One person out there form right, I'm you're one person. Yes, But I'm saying you've even said yourself, Yeah, I've thought I've had multiple soul mates. I thought before, just like I thought they were the love of my life. They weren't just like I thought. I was saying. That's all I'm saying is that it's ever changed. I didn't. So the next person, I know you always like to say this and be you always like to say, well, Mike, if we get divorced,

so I'm going to play that card. If we got divorced, there for me, then then the next person is your soul mate. So it's just everyone, he's a soul mate. You're so mate everyone. It's like, when does it stop? Come on? When you are with the person for life,

your twin flame, Yeah, twin flame experts. So if we were to be together till the end, you were truly my soul mate, And on my deathbed, I'll write in my little note like I love you were my soul mate, and then I'm you know gonna die and you're gonna be like, man, I wish I would have told her that she was my soulmate. That took a really dead time. I see the movie right now. You might just tell me. You can tell her when you go upstairs. I just

don't know what the difference mean. I mean, if you if you can honestly look at me right now and say that I'm not your soul mate, slash the one, you're my wife and you're the one I meant to be with. I need the term. I need to know I'm mate. This is going to drive her stil nuts so mad by Janna. If she really likes a meal, like something really good definitely not Tahita, And if you definitely and she wants you to try bye, if you say no, she'll get like highs within anxiety and she's

like you have to try this. I'm like, I know it's so good. Were and I was eating the most incredible cech ever and I think it was so good and I was like, honey, we please try. But he's like, no, I'm good. I was like, can you please try it? Buy it because I just know how good it was. She takes it personal, like she made it. She's like, please try this. I knew how much you love it. And guess what did he order? Like five more the

entire time we were there, it was fantastic. But the point was for a twenty minutes she was like, couldn't sit still, like just try it, just place, try it. And then he's like, well try this. I was like, no, I'm good. But for some reason, when I want someone to try something because I know that they're going to like it, it really it physically gives me hives and

I started to get anxiety. I was so she feel this way about me not saying the soul mate, well, it just it just makes me sad that, like you don't think that I'm your the one and you're you're the one I'm meant to be with what I would google airplane writing words over homes and like, Janna, you're my soul mate. He doesn't, really, I'm not your soul mate. It's obviously I'm going to keep looking for my soul mate. So if anyone wants to be my soul mate, email

me at Janne Kramer. I hurt me. I'm gonna find myself a soul mate. Next topic, what else what else. Oh, we've just turned the dateline. Um, so the next thing is when we were doing our little half a seat. Um, I'm fine. On YouTube, my husband says, So here here's the deal. I went to therapy and I've just been very overwhelmed. We have a new baby coming obviously in less than seven weeks, and it's fast approaching, and I get very overwhelmed with things. I have a very hard

time delegate. I love actually I love delegating, but I have a very hard time asking for help. So my pist encouraged me to ask for help. More So I wrote a honey to do list, and I said, and I put on there too when I would like it done, because I want things done yesterday. But you know, a dollhouse on this We'll get there later, because that's a great point too. No, it was not on there, but so I said, you know, please have all the trash taken out by the end of the month. Uh, clean

up the backyard. Um, you know, sometime this week would be nice, please. And there was a few things with the kids that I was having. I need we need to transfer some of Jolie's medical stuff, and I said, please call her doctor's places and get her files sometime before this date that we're going to the new doctor at just things that like I didn't I wanted to alleviate off of my plate. And he says to me, Michael,

I said, okay. No. First of all, I said, okay, that's not the first thing you said when you gave me the list. How long is the list? There was like four things? What did I say? You were like like, right now, you have to give this to me. Well, again, it's like timing. I was in the middle of I was in the middle of doing something, okay, and she's and it's just like I hate when I get overloaded too.

So it's like I'm in the middle of doing something, taking care of something, and then she hands me this list, and I'm like like right now, like you're gonna hand this when I'm in the middle of like doing some work or whatever it was I was doing, Like, you're gonna hand this to me. So it's all about timing for me, okay. But then he says, well, where is your honey to do list? So his question when she posed, so he said that that one day and I kind of let it go until last night when we're doing

our have a seat. He goes, I have a question. Why don't the guys ever wady honey to do list for the white serious? Her eyes just not. I was of her. I said, has a guy we can watch this video? Prooved? I said, has a guy ever given his wife honey to do the list? He'd be? I didn't say why don't? I said, I didn't say why don't guys? I said, has a guy ever done that? What would you put on a list? Mike? Stuff? We want you get done what? It's already all? Thank you?

There just not coming. He's like, you're on your own. Pa. Have I not done that? You would like to put on the honey to do list for your wife? Go ahead? Mike, you have the floor, everyone's listening. What do you want to put on there? By the way, I'm serious here you you you asked and post a question. I would like to know what you want me to do on top of everything else that I do, that you want on that list? Go ahead? I didn't come prepared exactly what I would like you to do? Is this is

a joke. If you even pick up after yourself, excuse me? Is um? I don't know what because that's already all done. It's already all done. She leaves stuff around the house. What you know what it's I'm so sorry. I'm literally going to throw this pen right in your eyeball. But you and it told me one time that I sometimes leave my shoes around the house. I have done a very good job to make sure to put my shoes away. What else have I left around the house? You leave

things and things that shouldn't that aren't. Like I have this cute little candle thing and he puts his coins in there, and I'm like, this is not yours. I'm sorry, be careful when you walk into our house because you're gonna walk into about two dozen half drinking Lacroix cans everywhere pregnant, so that stops you from throwing them away.

Please counsel us right now. I'm just hoping that you both you drove separately here today, trust me, did no. I just is just so many things that I do and that wives do that you don't know that we even do. For example, like we talked about, we don't have to keep it. You know what, I'm going to say this to all the women out there, all the wives, all the girlfriends, everything Leslie. You know me, girl, and I got you right now. For the next week, don't

touch anything, don't do anything. The world will fall apart. Give it another week. Your life is like Lee. I'm not challenging you, just I'm challenging the women to stop. Stop, go on strike. Pick up the kids stuff, don't do don't do the laundry, don't fold their clothes, don't put away there they're over there. I will give Michael that he does. We do a very good job of like doing the dishosher and doing those like household chores. I

will give him that. But when it comes to the kids stuff, the planning, and you know, all the things that I that up for the new baby, you know what, I'm just not going to do anything anymore. And I'm gonna see and you always will you do it before me. Okay, I'll see if you even think of something, the things that actually need to be taking place. I'm heated. I'm on strike, ladies and gentlemen. You're gonna have a lot of I mean, what else are you going to do? Right, honey?

So can you guys explain to me? Um? I'm gonna email Watermelon now the giant dollhouse that's been constructed that looks like a guest house. We were we were talking about Christmas ideas. It's actually a guest room in the back since our son is taking our third bedroom here, it's actually the guest room. So my we were looking at our backyard and we realized that the playgrounds that that we got for Jolie last Christmas, she's completely outground.

She doesn't been stand in anymore. She's she's too she's too big for it. She doesn't even go in it. So I started looking at dollhouses online and they're very expensive. They're like two grand up, like they're real nice wooden ones. So I was like, hey, honey, I was thinking about buying this for Jolie for Christmas, because, as you know, I'm already on top of things for what we should get our daughter for Christmas, three months ahead, three months

ahead of thinking. He's just ugly staring, he was giving so anyways, so I said, and he so we're we're building right now a house in Nashville. Okay, so we're gonna we're yes, we're making our our our move back to nash sometime next year. And he wants a work bench so this is a little offside moment. He wants a work bench in his garage, and I said, why do you want to work bench? You don't build anything like you don't He's I've never You still need a

place in new cabinets. You need to work bench. You need stuff, even if it's a household stuff. And you fix something, you gotta have a place to do it. You don't do it on the kitchen counter. But like I grew up, you have a workbench, garage, you got cadas, you got tools, that's what you three years, I've never seen him do anything on the workbench that we had at the old house. He might have put like a little like nail, like those little nail things that you

put for you know, hanging a paint tang. I was like, you've never done anything handy, right, So he's like we're circling background. He's like, well, what if I make her a doll house? And I was like, you can't make her a dollhouse, Like there's no way. And he's like, if I make her a dollhouse, can I get my work bench in the house. And I said, fine, if you can prove to me that you can actually make

a dollhouse. So cut to the next day he was at home depot and he got all this would and go ahead and Michael, yeah, So again, just because Jeanna hasn't seen me physically do any of this, you know, carpentry or manual labor or anything like that, because we haven't had to. But there's nothing we've had to build or do anything like that. Because she hasn't seen it first hand, she doesn't think I'm handy. So I'm like,

all right, after shut it off real quick. Because I grew up building stuff with my dad all the time, we built dex we built sheds. I've done it all. And so I was like, all right, well, challenge accepted. I'm gonna show you that I am. So I went up the necessary tools, got the lumber, and I'm building it myself. And she and she even asked me like I was putting space in between the four boards. She's like, how do you know how to do that? I was like, because I know how to do this. You look like

a total pro. You have that triangle metal thing and you have a pencil out and you're like, well, producer Amy texted me and she goes, let's talk about the fact that your husband's wearing a tool belt, but it looks like nothing's actually in the tool belt walking around with an empty toolbottle. Which is really funny that you guys went on date night. You were working on it, you went on date night, and then all of a sudden, it's like I was like, is he kneeling stuff together?

At midnight? Yeah? I felt like we're going to come home after like a really nice, nice date night and we're going to cuddle him, bead and have a little like into mistech. No, No, he went back out to the dollhouse to start. Yeah. I was like, not the way that I wanted to end the night. But it's just she, I mean, she lit a fire under me and on now, all I want to do is just get that done and show her improved to her like that I am handy and I know how to do

these things. I mean, it's like a two story like dollhouse and it's building him. It's it's eight ft by eight feet okay, um one and a half Okay. I will say, I'm really impressed by you. I'm impressed that you haven't quit yet. I'm not going to like, what are you going to are you going to use um real what are those called shingles or tile? What is that singles? I've been decided yet still it's like sliding windows or um Yeah, probably probably remote remote windows a

power outside. This is like you guys are going to have to move it. We're gonna know we have to. And I will say, I'm, I'm it's really cute to see Jolie and him there were come together, So I

was like, this is really cute. Yeah, And I will say like I was coming home yesterday from home depot and as maybe hokey as it sounds, I was carrying some more lumber into the backyard and I just had a moment where I felt extremely grateful and kind of reflected on the past couple of years, what we've been through, where we've been. I was like, how awesome is this that I'm in the place I am getting to build my daughter like this dollhouse, and because I'm pregnant in

the house that we share together as a family. It just I had a moment yesterday. I wanted to share it with Jannah and I meant to yesterday but we got busy. But but yeah, I felt that I was like, this is the best feeling ever, Like, if there's any kind of healthy behavior like this is it. That's really sweet? It was cool, that's cool. I'm sorry if everything is that during this podcast and I think you and I think you're so great and you can write me honey

to do list if you want. Thank you know that's sweet, and I'm just it's yeah, it's it's the healthy behavior and you're You're just I'm really proud of you. I'm excited to see the Stallhouse come together. So I'm really excited about this thing that I just learned about. It's

called legacy Box. I have so many photos that are I mean albums and albums which I miss honestly today in this day and age, but you know, from childhood, my parents have so many pictures in their garage and on all these books and they're just kind of sitting there and I never do you ever get to see yours. I mean, they're in a they're just in a box. So it's taking up space, um first and foremost, but then also I kind of want to be able to

have it all in one thing. So that's why I'm really excited about legacy box because all you have to do is send your legacy box filled with old home movies and pictures and they'll they'll do the rest. So they put your moments on thumb drive, digital download or DVD. Legacy boxes the world's largest, most trusted digitizer of home movies and photos. I think we should do that, don't you think? Yeah? I did this over the summer. Took a photo album and it took me hours because you scan,

I'd like four times. Yeah, but then you have to go in and you have to like split up the different things because it copies them always one big collage, and I don't want him. It was, it was. It took me forever. I wish i'd use lely Se Box from now on. I'm going it's hard to legacy box. I wonder does hit. I wonder if they'll take roles of film because I opened my college drunk the other day and I have undeveloped undeveloped in there, and I have no idea where to take it. I'm sure they

will or what's on there. I have old cassettes of me and my friends messing aroundhen I was a kid, when I was like seven years old. I'd want that kept forever. I have like old CDs that I remember I burned for, like you know, the old like high school boyfriends stakes. Yeah, seven o'clock. I think everyone here had a mixed DAP with that song on there. Everybody. Well, there's never been a better time to digitally preserve your

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past today. I'm actually really excited about this because I feel like this term gets thrown around a lot, but yet we really know the true definition of what a narcissist is, right, And how many do we have in our lives exactly? And are we a narcissist? Count five? But are you one? Though? That's the thing we're about

to find out. Laura, Hey, you got the crew, You got the wine Down Crew, So I'm we're really excited to have you on because can you just, you know, first off, tell us in our listeners, what is the true definition of a narcissist. A narcissist truly someone with a personality disorder. Um. In my book, there there are a characteristics that psychologist psychiatrists have said that a person with narcissistic personality disorder has You have that? I can?

I can. I'm going to lift them up. And my husband applies to any of these boxes as are checked. You know, people say everyone knows the narcissists in his or her life. Do you think so, how many? How many of those they come to realize that the narcissist is looking back at them in the mirror. None? None, because there's no self awareness with the narcissists. Absolutely not. Yeah, that's very true. Okay, so can you just give me to the point so I can we can those down

and yeah, here we go. I'll give you all of them. Okay. The first one is has the grandiose sense of self important. For example, they accept rate their achievements and their talents. They expect to be recognized as superior without any commensurate achievements. So yeah, Number two is preoccupied with fantash fantasies of

unlimited success, power, brilliant, beauty, or love. Number three believe that he or she is special and unique and should only be surrounded or associate with other special or high status people. Okay, next one requires excessive ever sorry are you okay? I love it? And it has a very strong sense of entitlement unreasonable expectations of from people. Um. The next one is exploitative of others, so basically they

take advantage of other people to serve themselves. Um. The big one is the huge I have not heard of or met a narcissist that has empathy. A narcissist lacks empathy. They do not look at the feelings or needs of others. Um. And they're two more is often envious of others or belief that others are envious of him or her. And then the last one is regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes, hatty behaviors, haughty like um, yeah, potty potty h A crap? Check that one off from me? Shoot,

that X is accent? That's okay, okay. Have you ever actually met someone that has all of these? My ex has eight seven of the eight. How long were you with your ax? Way too long? Sixteen years? How did you survive seriously seriously. Um, lots of counseling. Um. I eventually lived upstairs. I talk about all of this in my book That pub Ugly Love. Eventually lived upstairs and even moved from the guest room into my sunsroom because he would not come in there and scream at me

and yell at me. Um, if my little boy was around, How did you break away? Because isn't it almost impossible to get away from a narcissist? Don't they what's the word they play with your brain? The gaslight you? It's all gaslighting. They yes, they gaslight you, and they eventually isolate you from friends, family, and they tell you that make you think you're so crazy that you know, he would say things like, Laura, you're I'm the only one who could ever love you. If you ever leave me,

good luck. You can't compete with all these other women in Dallas. No one will love you. You You know, you better stick with me. You start to believe that, But you know, Um, how did I leave? Through therapy and realizing leaving wouldn't be any worse than what I was going through? Did you probably is probably so much? Oh? Yeah, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Did you grow up with a narcissistic parent. Is that that is a great question. Yes, that that typically all the women. I have a Facebook

group it's called Victorious Voices, and it's mostly women. We have a couple of guys that are members, but almost everyone has someone in their family that is a narcissist, and that becomes your default because it's that conditional, almost unattainable love and you never really get that from that parent or grandparents, so you try to sign that in your next significant relationship, which is often a partner. What is your best advice to deal with family members who

are full blown narcissists. Stay away as much as you can, and when you are in their presence, don't expect anything from them. Um. It helps me to learn to anticipate what mine was a parent, what this parent would say to me. Even in the last two years. I would think, Oh, she's going to criticize how I am setting the table

or how I'm raising my son. And I would count like one to three, and then there it would be so prepare myself and mostly, Wow, Michael, do you know anyone that's a true narcissist like this that has all those eight points? Because I'm not, and I don't know there are things that I can say, oh maybe this one point or this one, but I don't know anyone

that actually has all. Well that's all I was gonna ask Laura, after how many of these kind of going down the checklist does someone have to have check off, you know, three out of the eight to be really considered a true narcissist or is there do you have any kind of system around that? Um there, it's five of the eight. That's what psychologists and psychiatrists have determined,

and those eight characteristics are listed in there. It's called a diagnostic in statistical Manual of personality or um psychiatric disorder. So it is truly an illness. And you know they don't change. These people don't change. So you know it's to get out or stay away or laurens that or very very thick skin. You really don't think there's any hope for a narcissist at all, even if they were

to go through, because really they just don't. I'm getting shaking their heads in the right, Okay, But but I mean for Mike, I mean you could have you were a strong manipulator, and you've now been able to kind of see and change that. Yeah, But but I also had the capability of empathy, and I didn't think of myself better than other people, and I'm still grounded human beings.

So yes, I had negative traits of things like being manipulating to hide my secrets or flaws or whatever, but I had other characteristics that completely go against what a narcissistem. He didn't have the checklist to diagnose him with a personality disorder. Personality disorders are almost untreatable, so they're just screwed pretty much with people around them. But that's sad though,

that's sad that someone you can't get through people like that. Well, we all know people that it's hard to get through to them, right, But I think, I mean, over time, can't you if if there was like an intervention to be like, look, ten out of ten people in this room, I think that you have all these traits and you really need to look at yourself. Like even that one worked.

It's like if you have like an old, senile grandparent or something like, you just kind of accept it, right, So it's it's kind of to the degree of that like use an old person not necessarily, but I'm disorders. I'm just saying that's an example of you just accepting how they are, so like, oh, this is my grandfather, this is my grandmother, she's this way, that's just her

and you accept it. And so dealing with people with this, I feel like it's kind of the same thing once you address it and you acknowledge it, like you know what you are, what you are called, you know, spade to space, even move on, right. I don't think it's hopeless, but I will tell you of all the research I've done.

There is a psychologistic guy named Lundy Bancroft, and he has counseled over two thousands abusive, emotionally and verbally abusive men, and he says he's only seen a just a handful like two or three change and it took years and years. He must be exhausted. Do you see it more in this day and age or is it more because I I honestly see some of these traits in someone in my family. So what do you see it as as older people? Or is it? Does it? Does age really

make a difference? Age doesn't make a difference. You know, there's some a lot of people joke O with's some millennials and they're very, um, narcissistic. But then you look at those millennials that care so much about the environment and it's impact on all of us and others, and so you know, I, you know, I don't know, but age does not make a difference. Um. You know, I still have a narcissistic parents and in her seventies. And then I have you know, my ex who's in his fifties.

So and do you tell her she's a narcissist? Um? Well, yes, there's a chapter in the book about it. And we do not speak right now. I'm sorry, it's nope, it's a free and feeling. It's kind of like when I left my x now ex husband. So so what do you do now to like move forward in your new relationships? Like what are you just like if you see one of these traits, you're you run for the hills or are you? Um? There are some traits to look for

when you're dating. And I've learned what those are, and yessess um there are three or four that I'll tell you they're the most important. One is narcissist are very very charming, Like on the first day they will roll out the red carpet for you, flowers, you know, the nicest restaurant you know, blah blah blah. Another one is that, and they like to move very very fast. They want

to hook you. And if you don't see that any perceived you know, default in their character or any you know, just like lack of integrity, they want to move very very fast, whether it's intimacy or you know, telling you I love you. I had a guy tell me you loved me on the second day. I'm like, really, I've known you for like about an hour and a half. How they know the second I don't know what? Um?

And then another one is and you will notice that they eventually begin to gas light you, like they'll subtly say, they'll say something and then you might question them about it, Like they'll say, oh, um, your hair looks okay, and then you'll ask them about it later. Will you you don't like my hair this way? No, I never said anything like that. I've never miss your Starting to make you feel crazy, Yes, you start to feel crazy, But those are probably the top three or sounds like a lifetime.

I wish I would have met you three years ago, and I hope not. I'm just I'm just ignoring all of these comments. No, no, I will say those like the charming and moving fast that that just plays onto our love addiction. So I you know, yes, I'm there, I'm a love addict to Why do you think? Where do you think the term narcis like narcissist or narcissism is thrown around as easily as it is, like, you know, people get an arguments, you're such a narcissist this or that.

Why why do you think that is? I think, um, the word is more commonplace these days, and not to get policial, but you know what I'm talking about, right, Um, So people tend to just use that word not knowing it exactly what a true narcissist is, someone who's maybe ultra confident. They say, oh, you're such a narcissist. You know, you can be very confident, but not be a narcissism for sure. That makes sense. You look at what you do?

Three do you know you're you have this awesome podcast and you're confident what you do, but you're not a narcissist.

You have empathy? Yeah? I mean I I don't I look at this list and I don't feel like I'm an narcissist you because I think it's so funny that you're like, hold on, do I check any of these vis I think sometimes we can mean, but some of these I don't think you don't check, Laura mat Now, when you're in your life, you know, post your divorce with your ex husband and everything, do you still kind of deal with a lot of trauma from that relationship trying to move forward in your personal life with with

other you know, men or dating. That's a great question. Um, I didn't initially with men, I would date. I would Um. I found myself, especially right after the divorce, being attracted to narcissis, but that too reset my default, if you will. Um, And lately I've kind of gone the other way. I'll go out with guys i'm they've even attracted to and I end up on a date going okay, just really stuck. So I've got to get happy medium. So yes, in

the beginning, I did. And it's uncomfortable on the beginning, isn't that? Yes, what a great journey though, I mean, you went through something that sucks, but you're you have like the silver lining. You have a you have a book that's called Ugly Love a survivor story of narcissistic abuse. So I think that's really great because now you're you're able to give back in the struggles that you faced.

I have. I spoke with a woman yesterday and she's been um with a narcissist for almost twenty years and she's ready to go, and so we talked about how to exit that relationship without losing her money and her kids and her home and it's all the things that are important to her. And she texted me last night because I just feel like I can conquer the world now. And I thought, Okay, that's why I wrote the book. Right there, I'm done. That was that was your purpose theory,

that's my purpose? So where can where can my listeners find everything about you? Um? I have a website called the Ugly Love Book dot com and then you can find my book on Amazon or Barns and Nobles dot com that if you want to friend me on Facebook at Flora Koreansa with a d H, and I can lead you to my page. For those of us that have been through this journey or are going through it,

I love it. Well, thank you so much for sharing your insight and I'm going to start exing some people out of my life, right that garden weed, that garden baby, Thank you so much, you do it all right, Thanks so much, guys, Bye bye bye. I honestly feel like the narcissistic people I have in my life they are older, are all older people in my family. I feel the same way you do. Absolutely. Yeah, I don't even know. I can honestly say I don't think I have a

true narcissist that I know, or am I family. I think again, for me, maybe a grandparent or something. It's they're kind of stuck in their ways. That's how That's how I look at it, because there is they don't check all these boxes. There are some that they're definitely not. So I think that in that sense, it's a generational thing. Possibly.

I don't think like your question to her about does it does age affect whether someone's a narcissist or they're more narcissistant and older generation, I think just there's more the older generation, there's more people stuck in their ways. Yeah. I actually got into radio from a play on this word because I wrote a story in fourth grade called Sussecran, which is narcissist backwards, and scran was the opposite character

of Narcissus. Narcisi yes fourth grade and fourth grade, and he was secure and unsure of himself and wouldn't look in the way to see his reflection, and so it was a complete opposite. And I won the Young Author Award for in Michigan and I got to read the story live on air for the AM station in Detroit. And when I walked into the studio, I was like, Oh my god, I love this. Yes, that's really cool. Do you have the recording of that. I'm trying to get it. I've been trying and trying to get it.

You should. If you do get it, put in a legacy box in that way you can have it forever. Okay. So we've been trying to eat really healthy. I love Thrive Market. It's really really easy. It's basically an online marketplace on a mission to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone. So for us, um Jolie, she can't have peanut butter in her school, so we can get Justin's almond butter. We can cash you butter. We have

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I am so excited because I have the most incredibly beautifully talented woman in studio right now, Nicole are Parker. You are so just You're naturally just stunning. I mean, you make but what do you do your face is just like you know, you're really making me feel good right now, so good. I don't know, are you like a family morning show. Because the truth is, I like, stop drinking. That's great. Stop drinking. Yeah, stop drinking wine the one o'clock every night, every night. Don't tell me

that I have to every single night. Obviously I can't right now, but I'm not. I can't. That's I said to the same thing. And then I was like thirty pounds over the top and I stopped. I got it out. It's about even for the skin. That helps your skin because it dehydrates you all that stuff and you read all those beat hydrates. You read the beauty blogs and you're like, really, eight glasses of water, no booze, no bread. Who lives like that? Because I'm a pasta wine drinking

So what are you drinking? It's no fun. I'm just about friends friends. I'm the I'm the friend with the lime and the silts of water. Now, no, but what about that? But it in the last say it was a nightmare the first couple of weeks. But I lost him pounds the first couple of weeks. Yes, because it's

just you're just swollen, You're just in flaming. See, I disagree with you because because my trainer always says, I disagreed with myself Okay, maybe I'm just but I will say this, I feel like my body works differently because my trainer says, stop the wine and you'll get the blow. When I stop the wine, I get more bloated. And then when I drink my wine, my stom is flatter. He's like, my stomach is flatter in the morning when

I wake up when I have wine. I mean, honestly, I can't now, but that's the that's the mom and the wife and you, that's the married with kids in you girls. It's how I survived. So I just I don't know so much prettier with the martini. If I have to get more botox so that I can continue, then that's what I'm gonna do. I'll get some more hydration. Listen. And I'm not going to be the person who never has a drink of champagne at the wedding, you know.

I'm not going to be that person. But I had to do something and I didn't want to get like a bunch of fillers in my face, you know, And it was starting to show on my birthdays on Sunday. Well, why no way, no stop. Yeah wait, I mean I'm still not drinking wine, but I gonna do the man, but listen that Yeah, I was. I was born in nineteen seventy. Oh my god. But what's your background though racially? Yeah, you know what, I wish I had a really sexy

answer for you, like I'm half Dominican. Yeah I'm not. I'm just light skin. I'm black. I'm all black. But c so it's like I don't know everything. Like so, yeah, it really is the win great skin. Maybe that's it. But no, seriously, I just took a break from wine. I didn't really do anything else, not really a tequila person. I just had my glass of wine every night, and I lost weight, my skin cleared up. I use a thousand creams and serums. I'm just, you know, fighting the clock.

Like they're just taking care of yourself. I'm just taking care of myself, taking an aggressive approach, taking care of yourself. Your kids are he summed it up. Stop sucking up to her right now, because I know you want something from her right now, and we'll get to that later. What is your work out? Um? I don't kill myself in real time. UM. I just do something every day. Um, and then on the weekends. I don't really do that much. But I like, you know, I do cardio, you know,

I just go for it. That high intensity really works. Twenty minutes, that's usually all I have, and then I'll just do a circuit. You know, you don't have to pay someone. I've had really great trainers, but I got to the point with traveling and shooting and working and crazy schedules from the Empire right now, I'm Empire right now. Yeah, and I shoot out of town in Chicago, my families here in l As I'm flying home all the time. I had to create like a twenty minute workout for myself.

And basically, you can get out of bed in your pajamas and you can either go for a run if that's what you like outdoors, or if you're in your pajamas, you get laid down on the side of the bed. You do tin setups, tin push ups, tin squats, ten jumping jacks, and you do that five times with your glass of wine in hand. Well, you have breakfast and then amosa. But that's great though. Yeah, I mean, and you have two kids, yes, ages ten eleven and thirteen.

Yes boys girls. Nicholas um is going to be twelve on Halloween birthday and Sophie's my thirteen year old eighth grader. Yeah, so how's the thirteen year old girl? Because we have a three year old girl right now and then a boy on the way. So I know you're still in the wonderful stage. It's wonderful. Um, she's okay, wonderful is a strong word, but it is more times wonderful. Yeah,

it's more times wonderful. But she's been super challenging lately. Yeah, but then she has that one second of sweetness yet. But you knows, I just tried to do everything right. I like, Okay, you gotta have manners, you gotta be a good person, you gotta know how to make your bed. You gotta eat spaghetti with with not your fingers, you know what I mean. Just you have to say your grace. I just tried to give them everything, and then around

nine eleven you start to see what sticks. So like I didn't really clearly do well in the bed making discipline in part, but Mike has been more of the disciplinary. Uh yeah, he's kind of like regiment and he's really good with teaching them time management because you know, seventh and eighth grade these days, it's serious, like you have to monitor the phone time. This is my son's a little athlete, the athletics, and so right now at thirteen, my daughter is a really sweet, kind person who just

likes blue nail polish and blue hair extensions. First boy, thirteen and a half years. You've known each other about believe that's like a hundred years. In Hollywood, people ask us to speak on marriage panels. Yeah, so what's your secret? I don't know, you know, It's like, married is one thing. I was just saying this, and married with kids is another thing. It's a really hard job. And anyone who tells you different has like eight thousand nannies. Okay, I

have one, amazing one. And but in terms of your relationship, some of the old fashioned stuff, you know what I mean, Like when you find your husband, you gotta make him your boyfriend. You know, youve got to still be boyfriend and girlfriend. That includes date night. Let's that includes you know, caring about what you wear and also being nice. Like we have every right in the world to be grumpy. So much stuff is coming at us and we're developing

all these skills. Like you, I'm sure you can catch your baby like without even thinking, and you're gonna have to You're gonna have like these crazy octopus arms. Your brain's gonna explode. You're gonna know the weather three days in advance, and then do you know what I mean? And now like somebody drops something in you're in traffic, like you might have a meltdown, and you're gonna call your husband, you know, in the four oh five. It just it's unfair and he's not going to understand. But

that's just the reality. And so like the husband has to work too, and has he ever given you a honey to do list? What's the honey to do list? Well, you know how we give men honey to do list? That was my other thing, like trying not to give to my lists. But but has the husband would you even think that that's something that a husband should do for the wife, that the wife should have a honey

to do list? Well, you know what, I would love that, What I would love that because listen, I would love it because what happens in a marriage is that you break down communication. He has all of a sudden, he has hearing problems, you know, he you know, but we do everything. Yeah, but no, I like I could I could just walk in the room of my husband would know I'm there and now I'm like at a party and I say, boris honey, sweetie, babe, babe. But like so I think that if my husband woke up and said,

you know what, I would love. I would love it if you made the lasagna you made, and love it if you wear that black dress because I love it. That's not a honey, I'm talking And I wouldn't love to all that stuff because I'm like, you don't like the grace weapons, right? What I mean? No, I mean like a honey to do less, as in, like you know, tasks which we already do without even them even thinking of it. Will give me an example, like give me like,

like to make the appointment for the kids dentist. Um, we've already done that. We've already been there, done that up, and you gotta sign up for that. Married with kids, you both got to do that. I'll call the dentists and make the appointment, but you gotta take them. Do you know what I mean? We went together. There's just no way you get We gotta work together. Yeah. Absolutely. And the other thing is that you know those self books they talk about you gotta be happy inside yourself. Yes,

you can't lean on another person happiness. It's like, well, I'm stuck with this person. This person better make me happy, That's what I really think. But after thirteen years, guys, I can tell you that you gotta work on yourself. Yes, and bring You're happy to the dinner table. You just have to. There's no way you can't survive. Like, that's good a cookbook title, bring You're Happy to the table. Oh that's cute. I feel it coming. And I cooked too,

got together. I'm a cook in the family, so really cooked break sides. Can you make mash potatoes? Sure, I can mash them potatoes. I can't make mashed potatoes. Figure it out. Let's fire out to do it. So I'm gonna tell I'm kind of going to burst your bubble bab because she knows about what you put on your head. I saw it. So we share the same publicist. And so when my husband was making a dollhouse jendorable dead situation,

Nicole has come out with a new product. And so what Michael did is I brought this is if those of you that can't see obviously, it is the cutoffs. Do you know what I didn't realize that's what that was in the picture. Yeah, it's the cut off sleeve of Michael's T shirt. So he puts this on his head so the sweat won't go in his eyes when he was working. I need something on my head. So like when he was looking at your product, he's like,

I needed this. I could actually use this, Like we are bringing that then to show her that you love that you showed it to me. Because you're not ready for this bit of detail information, please give it to us. Like six years ago, I sat down in my kitchen and I cut up my husband's dry fit T shirt to make my first prototype for my product that I'm now giving to your husband. He must have felt intuitively that that was the secret and this was you a

couple of years ago. That's exactly what my husband was not happy. That's amazing. Yeah, I made it, and you know, and then I'm just a mom. I was actress. I went to with you, but I studied theater, I got a b f A. You know, I didn't know anything about business, and I just you know, hit the ground running and ask questions and corporate let's see it. I'm like,

let's honey, I want you try it on. So I saw that it was gray workout too, Yes, yes, And I brought you, ladies a couple you designed this because and this was I have two designs. One is the tie and if you like them to like camo and sparkling, I'm gonna send you like a pretty package. But I just brought what I had. You explained to the listeners what they are. Okay, there are three layers sweatband that I created to fit every type of head, every type

of hair, and it's just highly absorbent. Like there's a lot of cute sweatbands out there, but the sweat just dripped on your face. So I created a set band that actually absorbs your sweat. And then I know people who don't like the tie, look at him. I gotta get a picture later. This is my bandy for people who just want to wearn errands. My cheerleader customer wears this, my mom's on the run. These are just cute little Oh my god. Then Joe, this is gonna be worn

every day. Now when I help you have the do you have the man type two that doesn't have the tie in the back, Yeah, I have gray and black. I'm gonna I'm gonna send you guys a little package. I'm gonna send your you and your husband this in gray, white and black. Okay, great, perfect, thank you. And so it's really keep your hair yeah yeah, off your forehead and you know, I um, it works for everybody. Like I'm a black woman and I made it because we

always spend so much money on our hair. And when I first started my business, I did all these media buiyes. But basically you know those infomercials you see at night, Like I put the money back into buying those shot an infomercial. My biggest return was on the tennis channel, like my definitely, I all of a sudden overnight became like every white female outdoor athlete was like I need this, and then men realized they could wear two. But like

I'm completely it's for everybody. Is it? Every age, every race, every size, and for bald people for the they're called they're called jim Wrap, jim rap, gim wrap dot com. Okay, so jim wrap dot com. And then is there specifically for men and women's bigger killer. I used to have three sizes, but everybody just bought one. So I just stream you have a big head through this one. I love the Thai. Yeah. If he likes the time, I'm

going to send you a whole care pack. Okay, I mean that's fantast I've got boy colors lots where where can you do? You? Do you only e commerce them online? Or girl address? Six years of pounding the pavement. I'm in Target. Yeah, congratulation, and i just ordered more stores. I'm in. That's eleven hundred Sally Beauty in a hundred Walmarts and I'm online. What do they for you? Part of me? What do they retail for? Um? Different prices,

somewhere anywhere between always having a sale. That's great. And you can just rinse them out, squeeze them in your sink and let them air dry, don't put them in the dryer, or you just throw them in with your towels or your pajamas. So yeah, yeah, they last a really long time. Wow. This is also cool running zoomba Yoga's thin crossed that way, training volleyball, at basketball, tennis, anything,

anytime you sweat. My son went to school like I'm his mom, and he sees all my products laying around the house and I'm making gift bags for people and sitting out thank you notes for people have supported me. He goes to school and his friend is wearing the blue gym rap and sec in sixth grade and he's like, what are you doing with my mom's headband on? He's like, this isn't your mom's headband on? My dad bought this for me from from Target. And so I was like, like,

it's really getting out there. You know, to come from my kitchen with the cut husband T shirt. Heck, yeah, you know that's fantastic. And then you're also an Empire right, yes, season I play a really mean person. You know, you're so like you just you give off that vibe mean girl. Now. I came in and as a guest star they I got a call saying, do you want to play Force Whittaker's ex wife and Oscar Winner's ex wife on Empire? Think about it? Think about No? I went it was great.

It was so much fun. I was like, great clothes, thy high boots, for jackets, big earrings, like who wouldn't And so I then in the spring of this year, they said, do you want to be a regular? I said, yes, please, I want to work with Taragi. I've known Terrence for a really long time in the whole cast Jesse and Gabby. It's just so great and it's dangerous. It's fun. It's like emotional roller Coade. For an actor. This is like heaven. You know you have to do like you read the script.

I'm like, okay, I'm just happy I'm not dead. Yes, I remember that. And I get to like get in a fight with Cookie. I get to boss people around and you know, climb my way to the top and stand there. It's great. Are you enjoying Chicago? I am. I'm a city girl. I don't know what I'm doing out of your in l A. I've been here for ever. But your family? Are you born? Michael's from Well, you're from I lived in for a little while. You look so familiar. I don't know why. I like, it's like,

did you wear? Do you to school? I went to James Madison Small School in Virginia. My husband went to BC You yeah, yeah? Is he from the East corrist Also he's from Germany Deutsche bi Yeah, Oh my god, he's literally my husband. We got married over there. He literally is from like we're Hansel and Gretel was written next one of my favorite cities. I can't wait to take him. I love Germany. I'm German, so his family on his mother's side is German, French and Jewish and

his dad is from West Africa. So he always enters the room like, just back off, okay, I've, I've, I'm from the generations of the most persecuted people in the world. Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear about the chiki's or anything. I know everything about Africa and and like, you know, German Judaism and like, you know, he's just the boss man, you know, the king of the castle. I love it. Yeah, smarter than everyone, even though I don't let him. So would you? Would you

move your family in Chicago? Um? Move back? You don't like it because I feel like actors nowadays we don't have to. I just talked to my manage because we're we're building in Nashville, and I said, you know, everything now is off self tapes. It's it's like, do we really have to be here? And nothing I've ever filmed has ever actually been in l A anyway, So I'm like, we can get We're you know, we're building a beautiful house. So we could never buy here because it's it would

be five million trillion dollars. I know it's a lot. It's you just have to like plan and hope, you know, like that's still on my bucket list. I want to just buy something in New York eventually, and you know, just I don't know, but I can't really do too much until the kids there your life now and once they get into middle school in high school, you don't want to move. That's what I'm saying about you guys, about like, you know, like the babies, you can. I

took my kids with me everywhere. Yeah, they all right, Well, we love you. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Where can our listeners find you? Um, I'm on Instagram. It's my name, Nicole ra Parker. Um the gym rop dot com. I'm always having great sales and promotions and stuff. Um and um. Yeah, I had a great time. You guys are You're awesome. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right, y'all give it up

for Nicoll Well cool Carbon thirty eight is amazing. Workout close, Okay, but you can also for example, I could have been helping my husband with the dollhouse, warned the outfit, but then also doubled it for a night out. Because the clothes are so cute, you can wear them out, but you can also wear them working out. So it's Carbon three is a performance fashion e commerce site that rates brands that blur the lines between workout where and street style.

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to raise some emails, I do. Um. Ashley says she and her boyfriend just moved into a place together about two months ago, and from the get go he was referring to us as roommates. His reasoning is because I never want to have sex anymore, and we never do a couple of things. Now we're on different schedules, so a lot of the time, so when he gets home from work, I'm already in bad asleep. But a couple of nights ago I did try to have sex with him.

It started with me getting him in the mood and ended up with me rolling over crying because he said he just wasn't into it. I met a loss right now with what to do. Ever since that night, it's been awkw intense between us. I'm embarrassed because I feel like I don't do it for him anymore, and I'm upset because it's like nothing I do is right or good enough. He's always complaining about never having sex, but when I try, he's not in the mood or he's

just not into it. Well, two things that I'm going to take from that is him saying his we never do a couple things, So callinghi roommates is very passive aggressive of him to say that you should talk from a better place. And it also sucks when you're the one you are trying and then he's not. It's like, hey, wait a minute, Like I'm I'm actually trying to give you what you said you wanted, but then you're not reciprocating. So I can understand how, but he might just be

shut off at this point. My guy's perspective, I'm not sure, except that she's feeling a lot of rejection because the rejection is not fun. But if he's giving her crap about it, she's trying, so yeah, I mean, that's that's tough. What what stinks is that they went into the new place together starting off like that, came seeing that their roommates. So obviously this is something that was ongoing before that.

And if he wasn't willing to stay in the relationship and keep working on it, they wouldn't have got a place together even though this was an issue. So clearly he still wants to be in it. They just have to talk about it. They have to put down their shields, put down their defense and just be like, look, you know. She can go to him like I'm sorry it's been this way, explain what's going on with her. But she's trying. Yes, I know they should talk about it, but she is.

It's not like she's like yeah, but again, it's not. It's the whole thing I've said on here numerous times. Were not light switches, right, So if he has feelings, maybe these pent up feelings of resentment or whatever, torture because she hasn't want to be sexual in a while, and then all of a sudden she tries one time. He's like, he still has resentment though he's like, no, I don't. I don't want to because he's got feelings

that he hasn't expressed to her and let out. So he's still angry or bit or whatever it might be. And they just moved in together a couple of months ago that it sounds like they need to talk about more, like there's there's a different issue. Maybe, yeah, definitely, maybe he's having second thoughts that they moved in together. You might be freaking him out. Yeah, I mean that's a big step. I feel like guys can definitely freak out. Absolutely. Did we get any paid forwards? As a matter of fact,

we did. Terry emailed us a story an older handicap man was in front of her the grocery store and he was fifty two dollars short on his bill. The groceries were all bagged and he was a mess. He didn't know what to do, so I yelled, I'll pay it. I paid. I can't really afford to do that, but I just said i'd pay it. He said thank you, and I said Mary Christmas. I have no idea why I said that. I love her. The clerk said, that

was so nice of you. All I could say was I was a single mother of three and in my very worst of time, somebody helped me. And I hope he enjoyed his food. Sweet that Terry. Did you guys, did you guys pay it forward? This week? We fed meters. I love that. Yeah, that's awesome some yeah, you know, and that's one of those things. It's funny we kind of sent that challenge out in Janna and I were trying to We're almost trying to look for opportunities, like, oh,

we gotta do something. That dinner we went to dinner date night, we went to go see Walker Hayes and we had dinner before and he's like, hey, let's pay for you know, they must be celebrating some let's pay for their meal. And I'm like, like it was just we were trying to figure it out about it to be for Yeah, we're trying. We realized we're trying too hard, and it's like the whole pay for things like it just comes to you. Situation comes to you, and if

it doesn't in a week, that's fine. It's okay, but you know, situation day walking to the store to pick up some things and walked by a couple of meters and we saw someone red and saw some fewer running out. Let's just feed these. But I felt stressed out though, because we didn't have like the opportunities didn't really come.

So I was like, oh, we have to have We can't say that we didn't do anything, you know, but it becomes Yeah, it's like the opportunity has to be there, so you have to be aware of those opportunities when they're there. Did you do anything, It's okay if you didn't. Yeah, I did my huge you know, the contact always pay it forward with coffee, um, And I ordered a coffee maker for the staff here because you know, coffee is my thing and everybody is always trying to get a

cup of coffee here. And I was like, why don't we have a why don't we have coffee here? Good coffee? That's rights Instagram and she had a she said thank you, Oh she did. Yeah, Oh that's okay. Um, And uh, you know, just the usual trying to pay it forward on a regular basis, trying to make people happy, make their day, easier bringing bagels in all that stuff. Did you pay for this week? For sure? But now this coming week will for sure? Last week I didn't. I

don't go places or do things, so it's hard. It's hard if you don't, if you just go to work at home, it's hard to find the right opportunity. Absolutely, I do so much for so many people on a regular basis. It's hard to slate just one. But you know something I've been doing a lot, Well, know something I've been doing a lot of, actually is when I'm out Well, no grandiosity at its finest. No, No, I'm just I'm just better than everybody else. That's all. That's

all it is. Surely you can understand. I was at the mall the other day and the scroll working at the clothing store Vans was struggling to move some product that was on the upper shelf. And I'm tall like to think of myself as a reacher, so I put myself on the clock for longer than I had anticipated and helped to move these things around. But it made me feel very good. I hope to think, I hope to think that her day was better because of that. I'm sure it was. It made her day easier. Yeah,

that's cool. You know one thing too, I was just thinking of it came to me when you're talking about something that lady was. I was at Walgreen's yesterday and this one clerk there is super talkative. You know a lot of times when you go to the stories, you just want to get in, get out, grab your stuff. And I sat there like talk to him and conversed with him for longer than I maybe usually would, and he seemed very apreciative and shook my hand when I

was leaving and stuff like that. But just Eastern telling that like that could even be paid forward, Like even talk to somebody that's helping you were working somewhere that normally blow them off like I gotta go, I'm busy. You're right, Yes, you gave your time on right, which is the most valuable thing you can give, speaking of all grains. When I was going to pick up the prescription,

there was this older couple there. It was such a long line and I was waiting forever, and I was like, maybe she should like let them go in front of me, and I was like, no, maybe that could him a pay for it. Now I think of something else, like like, I don't want to wait any longer, just like keeping it real. But I really truly intended to do something. Your heart was in the right place. But I was like, and she was so sweet. She was a little lunchback old lady. And I was like, I love that. That

that what was her name? I love that. Terry said Merry Christmas. That's like when you go to movies and they say enjoy your movie, like here you too, you anywhere? Oh my goodness. So this was a really fun show and got heated. It was fun. It was funny. A huge thank you to our guests and also to Legacy Box. Go to Legacy Box dot com slash Janna to say forty percent off today. Thrive Market get off your first order and get a free thirty day trial at thrive

market dot com. Slash China Carbon thirty eight go to Carbon thirty eight dot com and use promo code wine for off your purchase. So I love you guys. That was so much fun. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to wind down and see how the strike went this week. That was that was a heated one. I feel like we're gonna get a lot of emails. Ladies. The strike begins now and I want to hear how the week went, so email us please at Jenna Craman. I heart media

dot com. Let the strike begin. Wind Down next week. Oh, one more thing before we go next week. Oh, next week, my girlfriend Kristin Cavalary is coming on the show. I love her. Yeah, she's the best. She's so awesome. So can't wait. Can't wait to chat with her because we talked about married life a couple of weeks ago and I was like, I need you on the show. So that's gonna be fun. Christ and Cavalary next week. Wind Down