Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart radio podcast. I loved to talk about You've just booked another movie.
I did yay old one in three months. This has never happened before. I don't know what's happening.
I'm going good luck, tell them vibe that's what it is.
Yeah, you are, absolutely, you know. It was one of those where I don't know. I mean, it's some years I'm lucky to get two films, so I'm just grateful for the work. And though it's a lower budget and there's things in there that just like the last movie. Me my agents because you know, they really want to get me in on one of those Taylor Sheridan shows.
So having one of the reasons that my managers wanted me to take it and my agent was because I'll be getting I'm going to be working with horses and riding a lot, so it'll be good for the reel again to just kind of show that I can ride.
It's all as the horse's only finger riding.
Bump.
Yeah, we'll get in. We'll get into all that later. We don't need to talk about that right now.
No, but listen, it's for you. It's amazing because I know you're like you came out of a movie and then you immediately worry about, Okay, when's the next one coming?
M hm.
So the fact that you've done three and three months should let you know how And you won't agree here, but you're obviously important in demand. Someone who's not in demand does not get three movies in three months, So you're definitely doing something right. My coaching, my acting coaching for years old obviously help when.
You's I mean no, but I will say I think when you are I think when you work on yourself, and that's what I love our guest today because it kind of ties into that. But when you heal the pieces of yourself, you're I believe, more open and your work is different, Like I think my work post divorce has been better than any work I've ever done for
different levels obviously, like more emotional. I've able to tap to tap in more emotionally, and also there's just I don't have that weight of worry and wonder and fears, so being able to really just have a supportive husband, know that I'm I don't need to worry when I'm away and when we're not together, and I get to just you know, again at knowing that I have that support and then also have healed some of the pieces inside of me that isn't holding me down, has freed
up the creativitiness for me to a lot that in so I definitely feel like I've a better because of that, like because I was able to let that negative energy and let the light in. And I think that's to be said for anybody, right, Like, if you're in a bad situation and you're not you're not happy, and do you feel stressed and worried and not safe, and obviously your work will show reflect that.
I think, So I think I can relate to that in a little a little bit. But also when I was going through the hardest point of my life, my work was my basically my welcome distraction to have a different type of pressure and a different type of stress. Was always like I was probably my best work, to be honest as a which was building that period, because I could I could separate the work from the craziness that was going on in the background and just be like, Okay,
forget about that. Now, you need to focus on this. But I get what you're talking about. If you're now now you feel safe to go and be on set for a week, you know, have to worry about what's going on around with the kids or me or so there's a safety aspect where you can relax and actually really really focus on doing a good job.
Yeah. I see what you're saying. There's definitely a piece of that for sure. But I carry so much of my surroundings so internally and I hold on to them so much that it does ultimately affect I think my work as much as I when I reflect back on movies that I was with with my ex or going through hard times with it. Though I was like, oh, it's not affecting my work, I look back now and I'm like, it's one thousand percent affecting my work. I was up all night crying the night before, or like
when I was in Vancouver. I mean it was a mess, like an absolute mess. So like, how of course that would have affected my work, you know. So yeah, I definitely reflect back on and then even just the hostility when we when you know, being being on the set, and maybe that's why certain producers didn't hire me back at that time, you know, because I was in such a bad place obviously, it's like, as much as I don't like to bring any drama to set, I was a walking drama, like my life was, as much as
I tried to hide it. So this is just yeah, so different, and so it's so nice to just feel that safety.
Yeah. Well three and three months, let's see if you can. What's the most of the amount of movies you've ever done in the year. Two that's the most you've ever done in the year. Yes, you've broken your record. So I think you'll get five.
Well, I'm soosed to film two more. They've just been kind of on hold. They're pausing, so I don't know. Maybe one will get pushed in next year because one I was supposed to be doing now in San Antonio, but that continues to be pushed because they can't find they're the dude that will sell the movie because I'm just the side piece on that one. But it's fine
side piece I am. It's totally when it comes down to those kind of movies, they have to have an international I mean, the budget is literally for the one guy that is you know, he doesn't work every day, he works a couple of days, but that's who they're going to give all the money to but that's the dude that's going to sell the movie.
You know.
Ultimately those kind of those kind of that's how that works for those kind of movies. But so yeah, I'm just kind of in a holding pattern. But I also think with this one, though it's not at my typical rate, it's something where I'd rather be working. Having said that, though, I'm about to miss some things that are really important to me family wise, and like what like field day. I'm devastated, literally devastated. I'm I almost said no to it because I don't want to miss field day. I
have never missed a field day ever. I mean I literally cried about it. I'm missing a field day. I'm missing Jolie's a softball game, Jase's baseball game. But I am going to travel. It's work. It's a close location. So I'm going to come home on the weekends and listen, work is work, you know, It's like at the end of the day, I want to keep working and I
want to support the family. And I had a really good talk with Joli about it last night, just because it's I just want to talk to her about it, and you know, well.
The good thing is if you're doing through three movies in three months, you'll be you'll become a better actress. I hope so because you'll berm and you'll learning Okay, ticket into the next one, learn again, ticket into the next one. So you're building some momentum there, which is always good. One of the most important things in the development is momentum for you.
Is there a piece because you're about a month sober?
When this airs like that, like a like an alcoholic a month sober. I told you I could stop drinking at any point, any point.
But like, okay, But that isn't that what it is? In technical terms, it's a month sober. I'm not saying you're there's nothing wrong with me saying you're obviously not in the program, but you are technically a month sober. So am I I haven't drinking a month more than a month drunk.
So I don't know how you can get a.
Technical term. You're a month not drinking. In technical terms, i'd be sober, right or no, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I don't know. I don't know. I think a month sober it is more for people that have an alcohol problem.
I don't know about that. But you know, our next guest is all about healing your relationship with yourself and those you love. Is there anything unresolved or I should say this because I think we all have pieces that we need to continue to heal, or to work on, or to revisit. I think acknowledging things that you know or that you see or that others see in you and you don't take defensively and you recognize. I think it's a really good quality to have because we all
have things we have to work on. I have things you know that I have to work on.
It's a good quality to recognize our back quality.
I think so. And let's get the doctor on to talk about that, all right, So let's get on doctor Tama Bryant.
Hello, Hi, Hello, Hi, good to see you both.
Good to see you. And you know what, We're just going to dive right into it and just bring you into our conversation we were just having because are you good with that?
Yes?
I am all right, let's do this, okay. So, because I was basically asking my husband here if there's anything that he needs to heal within himself, right, because I think we all have things that either we're actively healing or things we have to come back to and continue to work on, because again I'm not the expert you are, which I'll ask you, but you know, I don't think healing is a straight line. I think it's up and
down and you know kind of goals goes around. But with him, he was mentioning that he's got a short fuse, and I don't disagree, but I'm just curious with your fuse, what piece of you, like, where does that come from? Like why like why do you have that fuse? Or what is there something that is inside of you that are you frustrated with your work or this or that to get you to that fuse place?
So good the question. I think that expert can help shed some light on it. But I think those those a few things, those the those the past things which are part of it, Those are present things which might be frustrations, and then those the fact that those the future of things where you feel that you're not getting to them quick enough. So I think my short fusee comes from probably frustration of not being where I want to be right now and my just to shed some light.
My short fuse is never like aggressive.
For it's just you know, he's Scottish, he can get it's it feels to me because I'm very sensitive with with levels of volume when someone gets angry just because of my past trauma stuff. And so he's like, I'm not yelling, you know, yelling it's like, but I'm like, I feel they like anger in the fuse and that then like can trigger me in my stuff. But no, I mean like you're not. I see what you're saying. But what would be some tips around that? Doc help us out here?
Well, I appreciate you all both expressing yourselves, and that's so important because sometimes what happens because we're triggering each other, one person is allowed to express themselves and the other one is shut down. And so what I just heard in that exchange was both of you speaking truth, right, So the truth of I'm disappointed and frustrated, hurt about
not being where I want to be. And then what I heard you saying is instead of it feeling to me like self frustration, I feel like it's directed at me or it's coming in my in my path and it feels uncomfortable for me. Doesn't feel good to me, in part based on my history. In part maybe my culture, So you were mentioning his culture is like more expressive,
and then maybe yours is. People may have muted their emotions more and so it's us learning each other and both pieces of what you have shared are valid, and I think people can relate to in terms of frustration around timeline. That is one of the challenges we face as human beings is we create these false timelines right that by this age, I'm going to be here by and we train each other to do that. It's like New Year's resolution, what's your six month goal, what's your
one year goal? And in part being that specific, it's helpful that we don't get stuck or stagnant, but it can also set us up to be disappointed in ourselves when in truth, you may be right on time. That when in truth what has felt like detours may be preparation that is helping you get to where you're going so that when that door opens, the thing you're longing for, when it shows up, you'll be fully ready, not only professionally but emotionally to carry the weight of whatever that is.
And in the journey we change, and sometimes the vision changes as well. So a part of what we suggest, I say we around therapists or mental health professionals suggest is giving ourselves permission to be more present centered, because as you name past, present, future, some of us are stuck in regrets of the past or the wounds of the past, or stuck in worry for the future. But
what we have is present. Then I can instead give myself gratitude appreciation that I keep showing up and then say I can't control the timeline of everything, but I get today. So what am I going to do today? And it may also be in terms of you all's relationship. What are things that are helpful to me in terms of support that encouraged me, or that mobilize me, or that helped me to brainstorm, or that helped me to see my wins, because sometimes we don't see our wins.
So then expressing not just the frustration, but considering what would be helpful for you to do, and then what will be helpful in partnership. And so I'll get your response to that, and then we can talk about the trauma history and the voice well explained.
Thank you, You're welcome. I think you mentioned something there about past, present, in future and being really present and today, But what and this is purely from my postpone and where I sit in my frustrations sometimes is I can't fully engage in the day and be present in the day because I worry about the next day and I worry about the day after because I'm not quite aware of where I expected I would be and where I
want to be. So I'm always thinking about well, but part of that is also like, well, don't worry because in this time and a month, that will final this time in three months, you'll get what you need, or you'll get vindication of your hard work, or whatever it may be. So I always struggle to really maximize and be present within that within that day. I think you'll agree with that.
On you, Yeah, and I see and I see that within you, and that I get. It makes me sad to witness that because you take so much worry on that. We both know everything will be okay and everything will be fine, but you put so much weight on, you know, taking not knowing and everything else. So yeah, it's I witness, and I'm like, man, I wish he could be present in today because it will all be fine. I believe, you know, I have to believe that for all of us. You know well.
I think a part of it is the difference between worrying about the future and planning for the future. So the worrying about it doesn't get you anywhere, Like, it's not that because I spent time worrying about it today, like that something got relieved or that I solved something. The worry the anxiety can be a spiral and then we can end up ruminating, so you're just losing time thinking the same thoughts over and over again. And the more you think them, the more stuck you feel, the
more discourage you feel. So it's not so much that I can't think about the future, it is shifting from worry for it instead planning for it. And what I would ask in terms of your self awareness is where did the anxiety come from that you're not going to make it?
Is that a question for me? Yes, I think it's a good question because it's not that it's not that I worry about It's not that I, like I explained to you, I can't maximize the present day because I worry about the day after. And it's not a worry. It's like it's almost like an impatience where I know what I want, I know where I need to get to. I know what I want and I know how to get there.
There's so many pieces that have to there's so.
Many pieces that need to come together for me to do it. One I don't have enough time to do it. But also two I don't it's just not happening quick enough. So then I become frustrated. And when I become frustrated, I procrastinate and I don't maximize that day. So it's not a worry because I know what I'm good at, and I know my value, and I know where I'll
get to eventually. Deep down, I know that that's your version of you know it will be fine, and I know that, but I just I get really frustrated and patient and impatient on the present day. If I don't, like, if I have a day where I've not taken a step forward to where I need to get to, it sits in my head the whole day. Like if I have a day where I've not achieved enough, it will sit with me heavily in my head for that whole day.
And then where my experience with it is. Then he then kind of shuts everything else off around him and we're and I can tell that's where the lack of presence. But yeah, you're not as present then, agreed.
So you're it's also self sabotaging because I'm upset I'm not there, so then I procrastinate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably it's a little bit, but it was self sabotaged, not that you don't feel like you're des elve to be somewhere.
Do you sabotage yourself by procrastinating? Right?
Right? Yeah, it's not unworthiness and you have the as you said, you acknowledge your gifts. So there are some things that are out of your control. But then there are some ways in which you stand on your wings, which is not because you don't believe in the wings, but irritation, procrastination and then shutting out your relationships right, which ends up not only ends up penalizing both of you because then both are then feeling isolated.
Yeah, are there tips like this in your book to help heal all these kind of pieces?
Yeah?
Their piece about our self love. So it's matters of the heart, healing your relationship with yourself and those you love. And so the first part is about self abandonment and self neglect and those who are very driven sometimes we can neglect ourselves because we're so focused on the end result that we're not It's not sustainable because we're not taking care of ourselves in the present and then looking
at how we address relationships. So I want to give some time for you to express your history as it relates to people raising their voices or being angry or upset with you, and to ask you about if your history has resulted in you having a tendency toward people pleasing and trying to address other people's needs while you may sometimes neglect your own.
D all of the above.
Yeah, yeah, I think we both.
Yeah, no, we both are. I mean like and he is too where he's I say, I will say to him, I'm like, you're always trying to make everybody happy and you are suffering in the process, Like stop doing like you are stressing yourself out to make sure this person's happening, this person's happening, this part, like what does Alan need want? Feel like? That is and with.
You, it's the same for you as well them.
I know. But we care so deeply about each other and the people around us that we want to make sure, but we spread ourselves so thin to make those other people like our children and each other, that we then are exhausted and then therefore stressed, and then the fuses are short. You know, all of the.
Above, And what has that cost to you?
I would say, I mean, I've definitely gotten better, But I would say, hmmm, that's interesting. I've never really I just am in a phase of you know, raising three kids, and so for me it's I still do things for myself, you know, I work, and but uh, I don't really know how to answer that.
I guess, right, I think that's a part of problem.
You're yes, so you're focused on you know, his needs and your children's needs, and it's important that you and their needs are important, but so are yours. And so to be able to be present and check in with myself about when I am so externally focused, what am I missing? And so then what are the parts of you that get undernourished?
Yeah, I mean I think for me then I just get stressed. But I also know it's it's not like that in every season, right, so, and I do my best to balance what I can, But I do think kind of the overall arching thing is is, you know, because we all have dreams, right, we all want to
get to the next, you know, best thing. But I feel like even when this is I'm sure you've talked about this in your book, but even when you get to that, okay, the role that I really want, or the coaching career that he really wants, there's still, I bet going to be a piece that you're going to just continue to keep trying to climb up the ladder. And I make up that there'll be a moment where, Okay, when I finally land that TV role that I want, the feeling that I thought I would have won't actually
be there. And the same for him, like when he gets that coaching role, I make up that the feeling that for him won't be there too, because it's not really that we put all the stress and pressure on it being that's the thing that will make us feel great. I don't think that'll actually do that.
Yeah, So it's both the stress of.
When will we get there and then to what extent will that actually be fulfilling? And I wonder if you can both share away in which you would like to see the other person take better care of themselves.
Well, I feel like I definitely have asked him to.
And you can say it to him.
Oh okay, great, Well we've already we did speak about this. I'm you know, I wanted you to get your blood work done, things like that and prioritize what you need, and I you know you've done that and you you're doing a great job on that. I would just i' means so hard. I just I want I want him to be happy, and which I think you are. But I just I don't know. This is so hard. I don't know why this is so hard for me right now. I'm so good at this in therapy and I can't do it right now.
Oh you're not.
Just so there's some medical self care he's done. You had you made a recommendation about him getting some test and he's done that, and you would like him to be happy, but you're not sure what's going to make him happy.
Well, I think he is happy. I do believe that. I just career happy. I know you're not. And I know it's a process and a struggle in the in this moment because you're building and the building processes is hard. But I do want you to know that you have you do have me as a teammate in it. And then I'm here m hm.
So you would like him to make use of your support for you to you're offering it, and you would like him to actively utilize that. It helps to have support, Yeah, it does. Yeah, And what would you like for her to do?
What would I like? I would like for you to You're so busy all the time that sometimes you don't prioritize and you're asking me to prioritize my health, and I'm asking you to prioritize yours by not skepping food because you're busy.
I don't have time to eat a podcast days. I'm like, it's three o'clock and I'm like, oh, shaky.
How do you Yeah, So I think I think I would rather you balanced out a little bit more because it's it's not good at all for your whole physiological system, which affects your brain health, which affects everything. So to prioritize eating when you should eat, yeah, okay, But I think there's also a part where we'll discuss this before. I'm like thinking the best of each other, thinking we've
always got the best intentions for each other. And I think when you're stressed and you're busy, and you're jumping from one thing to the like we are. It's it can the admiration and love of I'm here for you, I've got you, I'm always here can not diminished, but it can dilict itself a little bit because you're focusing our things are just for your own health. Recognize that I'm always, yeah, always support you.
Look at this healing that's happening right here on this couch.
I love it because both of you named actually similar things, the same thing, your physical health and wanting the other person to take care of themselves physically. And then the second one that both of you named in different ways is to receive that. I'm like, let me love you, right, let me show up for you, and like really receive it.
Yeah, yeah, beautiful.
What is some of the biggest tips of healing? Because I have so many women that reach out to me and because for me, you know, post divorce, I said my number one thing was that I had to heal all a lot of the broken pieces inside of me before I could find love again. And so you know, again, I'm not a clinical anybody. I just kind of say
the things that I did. But what is your best tips for Because I believe the reason that I was able to find a loving, supportive partner was because I was able to heal and then learn that I deserve that right, which is why I didn't choose it before. But that only happened because I healed certain pieces of me. So what are some of the tips in your book that people can get that maybe our post divorce or post breakup that need to heal inside before finding love.
Thank you for that and for sharing your journey and testimony. It is important for people to know that it's possible and to see that it's possible, and even in the possibility of it and beauty of it, it's you know, we'll still have to.
Learn each other.
So one of the things I like to share with people is have to breakup, take time for you as you were naming about your own healing, and at the same time, no, you don't have to be perfect for someone to love you, right, So to release this sense of perfect and to know a part of the healing
will actually take place in relationship. So I have people all the time who are single and feel like I'm great, I got it, I'm good, and then when they start becoming more emotionally connected to someone, that's when the real triggers show up, because as long as I'm just sitting in my house by myself, thinking my thoughts in a calm way, nothing's disturbing that. And so for us to have grace and compassion for ourselves while we're on that journey.
And then in reflection, you know, for everyone in their past relationships, is to try to, I say, pull the wisdom out of the wounds. You know, what did I learn about myself? What did I learn about relationships that I can apply here, because sometimes it's easier for us to see what other people did, and people may have
done very terrible things. And then I also try to reflec left to myself of what in my past experience maybe made me either open to this or made me stay as long as I did, or that you know, broke down my confidence and myself, or that had given me a script about what love was supposed to be. So that's the gift of relationships that didn't work out,
is what I was able to learn from it. And I would say you all probably appreciate each other a lot more because you've experienced not having the things that the other person has brought into your life, So like not taking that for granted, it's really beautiful, and then also seeing the departure or the exit or the ending as a win, because sometimes when we think like, oh, I've only had failed relationships, you know, maybe those are
relationships that weren't supposed to last. But I was to learn some things in there, I was to develop in those and the time it was well, you know, some things are seasonal, and so it has then positioned me for this. And then it is important also that we develop self awareness because as my heart heals, my taste will change, my mindset shifts, the way I handle conflict
will hopefully shift and grow. So being tuned in and then communicating, you know that a lot of times, especially when you've had that relationships in the past, we can be conflict avoiding. So we're afraid of people getting upset, or people abandoning, or people leaving, or people changing their mind about us. So then we're censoring. And as long as I am censored, a person doesn't really get to
know me, they're not actually in there. And so taking that risk of actually sharing what we feel and what we need, so that we're not leaving it to people to guess or assuming they know or should have known. And then I would say putting in the quality good times, because sometimes we make the mistake of all of our exchanges are the difficult conversations which need to happen, but then.
There's no joy. We got to put some gas in the.
Tank, which makes the harder things easier to work through because we've attended to bringing joy to each other.
Yeah, for sure. Oh my goodness. So there's those were some amazing tips and tools, and everyone please get healing your relationship with yourself and those you love matters of the heart. Thank you so much for coming on some healing on all of us, and us too on the couch.
Thank you so much.
And I've just as a last point, we didn't get to it. I would say, you know, hearing the request for the softer voice even in the frustration, to know it's that like, intention is not always impact. So I think you're like not intending anything toward her, but the way she's receiving it or feeling it feels upsetting. So then it just becomes it's not that I can't speak my truth or my frustration. It's it's like, let me
take breath. I call it sacred pause. Let me take sacred pause because I want to share my frustration, but I also want her to be clear it's not at her, it's just something I'm feeling.
And I too can also take a sacred pause every once in a while as well.
Yes's great, it's beautiful all over. I'm like me too, ill take.
And that's a lesson that I'm you know, that's I'm gonna I like that though. I'm going to take a sacred pause, sacred sacred pause. Thanks. Thank you so much. You were fantastic.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate you both and looking forward to all of your success.
Thank you, friend, Thank you, I have a great thank Thank you you too,