Wind Down with Jane Kramer and I've Heeart Radio podcast.
How's the stress level going by this week? Feeling good about things?
My stress levels are actually good because I made the decision this week, Yeah, about what not take life too seriously.
I feel like you've done so, like you're you feel different, you feel like you feel lighter. Well, just make it you seem lighter. I don't know how you feel.
A conscious decision just to just not let things affect me so much, like comments, conversations, decisions. If things don't go quite as I want them to plan them, then it's fine. There's a reason for it. So I've just kind of had to not had to be chosen to take a step back and just relax a little bit, not relax as and get through less work, or but just be like, stop taking everything so so serious all the time, because it doesn't do me any good. I
take things so seriously, I become irritable, defensive, reactive. But as if I just speak to myself and be like, yeah, your life's good things are happening.
Just slow down, right, do you does it? Do you feel a difference?
Yeah? I do?
Actually yeah?
Yeah, smile more.
Again? Now just to defend you know, you a bit.
It's just you have you have so much that you're doing and so much writing on certain things, and it's it can feel hard, right.
Yeah, But I also become obsessed about things.
Yeah, I do.
I have an obsessive nature, so I must do this, I must do that, and and I forget to live essentially, and it's not nice. It's not nice for the people around you and the kids and Troy, and so it's just, yeah, just need to relax a little bit more and not take things so serious.
But I think too though you've had I mean maybe you haven't, but in my mind it's it's almost like I think when people go through that, it's like you're the only person going through that, and you don't realize other people that have stresses and pressure. And so when I express something to the other day because I ended up, you know, turning down two things, and then I started to feel, oh my gosh, like.
What am I doing?
And then I'm like, I also have pressure too, and I have those feelings and thoughts. And I don't know if you sometimes because I try not to let everybody else feel it in a way, so I bet I feel like in that conversation you might have been able to hear like it's not like I also have those same feelings too, just I just expressed them differently.
So you'll probably find that this week I held you a little bit more based on how my outlook was or not.
What do you mean?
So because of how I decided to approach this week with relaxing a little bit more and being a little bit more fun than not taking things serious, then I was in a better position to listen to you when you want to discuss the things that you had said no to and how you were feeling now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're you're I think it's like that. I think when you'll be your present.
Yeah, when you're an obsessive person, there's a there's unfortunately, there's a selfish trait in there. What do you Sometimes you think your problems are the.
Only problems, right, and they're not.
No, it's not, and it's it's not it's not a good mindset to have, and it's not place a good place to be in, which is why I needed to kick up they asked to get out of.
Essentially, Oh, I'm glad, I'm happy for you. Then I wonder question for you in relationships, because sometimes when people aren't having sex, they might start to feel a little.
Frustrated.
Now, that has never really been our issue, but I was reading something where they say sometimes in relationships, when you're not getting your needs met, you start to get a little more irritable, a little more annoyed. Maybe what do you think the magic number is to being intimate and having sex.
I think somewhere between two and three. I think two is minimal and three is good.
A week or day I'm goodding, but a week a week, yeah.
Yeah, And I think I think that's healthy physically. Emotionally there's a good number, but not quite the case for a lot of relationships unfortunately.
Well, I think it's hard. You know, everyone's so busy, especially if you have kids. Other factors into things. And I mean we're in a stage now where when we go to bed, I'm like, I'm tired. I just want if it's if it's past a certain point, like I'm done, I'm gone. Like if that's where it's like if we're in I feel like you kind of know me now too. If you don't get me on the front end of the movie, you're not getting me on the back end of the movie, which is not gonna happen.
I'm exhausted, you know what I mean.
You hear people get into you, hear couples that that actually schedule sex into the lives.
But that's something that therapists say to do. If so that you it's like a date, they sexy time.
Yeah, would you think that's intimate, that it's planned.
That I know someone that does that, So I can't again that that works.
For them, you know, judgment on anyone.
Yeah, to me, I don't like that because to me, it adds more pressure and then it takes the To me, it adds more pressure scheduling, and it it makes it a little less sexy. Okay, So that's just my personal for me and how I operate. Yeah, but I know for other people it can either be exciting that they know every Monday is.
Monday, Monday Funday.
Yeah, and then you know, for other people it's or it might make them feel pressured.
I don't know. Yeah, I don't think we.
I don't think we would ever get to a place where we feel like we'd have to schedule sex.
No, how do you know when I want to sex you?
I always know?
How do you know, I feel like you'd have it every day if you could.
Yeah. Yeah, we have a very healthy sex life.
Yeah, but I grateful for it, that's for sure.
You give me a look, I give you a look. You give me a luck.
Like the memes that you see the gorillas or the monkeys, all the.
Things that you send me. The memes the gorillas are the best band.
Questions who plans the vacations? Do you both match up on what you like your vacation to look like?
That's a good question because a lot of a lot of our vacations are we've gone because they come through being offered, don't they.
Well, I see where there are places that are offering three places.
And then we make a decision based decision. Yeah, I think we're both pretty similar when it comes to the vacation needs only.
Yeah, I mean I planned our honeymoon honeyon. I planned our year wedding anniversary trip that's coming up. Very excited about that, but I wanted to do that. I was excited about that.
And do you want people to know that I know?
Oh yeah he knows now, Yeah, I know that so fat.
I cannot wait. I think I think about it like four times a day.
Ah, I just I cannot wait.
It's going to be so fun.
If people know who were going. No, not yet, let's keep it a secret.
But I think it's fun because this vacation says like, do you both and what you like your vacation to look like? We have a wish list of all the things that we want to do, and they're very similar. It's not not one thing where it's like I don't want to do this, but my partner does. Like we're both open to trying things and having fun. And for this, I don't want to just lay at a beach somewhere. I want to I want us to where I think we thrive the most is an adventure and doing active things.
And so this is right up that alley.
I think it was a place for lying on a beach.
Yes, for a couple of days February.
Absolutely, And I think we're in agreement with that. Yeah, Like if that's what we're going for, then that's what we're doing.
Yeah.
So I think we're good on the front end because you hear a lot of people that go on vacational like, well, he just wants to lie in the beach and I end up just wander on the round, the walking, and I'm like, wow, how can you how can you not be aligned before you decide where you're going and what you're doing. I find that that would be tough. Yeah, okay, and a fine question. Who's the fun to apologize? And either of you have a hard time apologizing?
Who's the first to apologize? Yeah?
And then this agreement probably do Yeah, yeah, thank you? Yeah, both stubborn. You're less stubborn.
I've worked really hard to apologize first.
Yeah, I would say you apologize bost. I think we both have a hard tame apologizing, but we've got better at managing it. Yeah, and actually, okay, I put myself in your shoes. I'm sorry.
Yeah, that's the kind of our Our no rule is in something it's alan's brought to the relationship where it's flip it. If it's flipped, how would you feel? And that's just been a really good not only reflection before I do things, but just something I always think about in just regular conversations what I would do prior to you. I would never think to flip it, really never, But there was no respect, you know, previously, so why would I flip it?
You know?
When I when I didn't feel perspected. So with this situation, I always go to flip it. How how do you feel? What would I what would I want in this situation? Would I be happy in this situation? And then but I think it's interesting because I think when I ask you to flip it, you have a harder time with that, Like I will. I will look at what you say, like flip it, and I'm like, okay, yeah I can. I can totally see that. But when I tell you to flip it, it's like, no, it only flips the
other way. It doesn't flip your way, sure or not.
It's like a coin that's got heads or tails. This one's only got heads. Cliff it. No, don't see it, cliff a game. Still don't see it?
Yeah, that's be flipped a few times to show you.
Do you agree or no?
Again, it goes back to me being a little bit more stubborn. If you asked me to flip the situation when I would I like to be in that situation, then I'll probably have a few, if some butts before I finally say, yeah, you're right, it's not good or it is good or whatever the situation is at a time.
Have you ever disagreed on how to handle a parenting situation?
Not the big disagreement, None that I can think of offhand. No, I smacked Roman's ass once. No, you did, not a little bit like not, And you're like, we don't smack in this house.
We don't. But I don't remember that.
That's exactly That's why it made such an made that much of an impression. You don't even remember. Or I think maybe I said I'm when to smack.
Has asked, Yeah, I don't think you actually did.
No, maybe I didn't because I'm like.
He's this much old Harvard many months old or whatever, like and no, we don't do that.
Okay, So maybe I just said I'm going to smack. Has asked the you you raised it and said we don't smack in this house.
Yeah, like, hm, that's not how my glass region was raised.
Let's talk about that.
Really. Here we go.
We're having an Instagram right now. This is a big one actually, and we're just figuring this out.
No, we'll not figuring it out because realistically it's not something that I want to do. But have you researched the positives and negatives of it?
You just don't.
Yeah, that's like it's you're then telling the person the kid to hit.
Okay. Were you raised with a smack toass.
Yes, and not a good way, which is why then you think it's okay and it's not okay. I'm not saying I got into abusive relationships because I got into abusive room, but and there are levels of things that happen, and I think back then that was more norm to be spanked with. Like my dad was absolutely spanked with the belts because that was his generation him than carrying
that on with our generation. It makes sense, but there's no like it's I cannot imagine a world today where a child is spanked with a belt and it is okay.
I'm not talking about smacking anyone.
Right, but just think about like when we were raised, I would have the belt. That is child abuse.
You had the belt, yes.
Oh yeah, okay. My dad was a smick moss known again but that was.
Oh we got the belt. Yeah.
More so my brother but like not okay, again he was raised with that. I mean my mom spanked my brother with a wooden spoon and it broke in half. Like I mean, there was yeah, what I'm saying it's and I remember I laughed about it. I'm like, wait, are you punishing him?
Like, but yeah, yeah, I think there's certain things that you carry from generation to generation that healthy. There's not one of them. I don't think a smack toss now and again does anyone any harm. But I do not intend to be smacking Roman's ass.
I just don't.
And listen, I have friends that have smacked their kids before. I have friends we talked about on here, Kristen and Window, and we talked about how she gave her son the soap, and then I'm like, that's also something.
That we had.
I was raised in such that household that it's so triggering, and then now then being in an abusive relationships. I just don't see what the any sort of benefit would be to actually hitting a kid. And I think it shows that that's okay, and it's no, it's not okay to be hit. To be punished like I am bad equals I am being hit and that's how I am punished.
You know, I agree with.
You, So I just and it's not about kids being soft these days. It's not about that at all. There are ways to discipline your child without raising a hand. Again, this is my own personal opinion with parenting. I know other parents do it different ways if that is how they feel, and listen, there are times I am not proud of the way that I've screamed before. That's not okay too, you know, like I've lost my temper and screamed at them. Now that's very foreign fee between. But
we are all. We are doing the best we can. But to make a habit of that, like of hitting and it's great, like this is not okay in my personal opinion, don't come at me.
I agree with you, but so I would be upset with given my.
History, and I don't think him hitting that is whatever. There should be other consequences. Take away the TV or I don't.
Know a little bit, raising voices.
Again, I don't think there's any Again, I don't do it perfectly, but I don't see it's still anger in a aggressing, aggressive way manner. And again I have triggers from the way my dad would look at me or the yelling.
I don't.
I don't like it, which is why I don't react to it in situations if you get angry, I react opposite.
I don't like it. I don't hear it.
I don't like you can take that somewhere else because I'm not here for it kind of vibe.
What are your thoughts?
I think that to be a shift in tone.
A shift in tone, sure, like absolutely not do not do that, you know, like that kind of shift. But to.
No, I think that has to be a shift in tone. That has to be a shift in volume. It doesn't need to be aggressive. It can be. It can be a hey, yeah to get a reaction, an and some reaction.
Sure I could see that possibly, Yeah, woy to ask that question? Boy?
Did that just come?
Smack tosses and raised voices.
Relationship headlines, Kellie Ripper reveals the secret behind her almost thirty year marriage to Mark Quinsuelos. They've been married for almost thirty years. There's such a cute couple. This is what she said. She was the first year of our marriage for us was the worst. Like it was really hard. We discover things about each other, like, oh my god, he breathes and it sounds irritating to me. So you just have to not panic because you've because you'll settle
into each other. A lot of people find the first year, you know, really hard, and then it sort of deteriorates. So she went on to, you know, basically talk about that. Other people agreed, someone saying, we've been married forty one years and yes, the first year was the hardest. Babe.
How do you think the first year of marriage has been for us?
It's been I think it's been a it's been a roller coaster of good and good in growth and not so good moments.
What do you think are not so good moments are?
I think? I mean, listen, it's a first year of marriage, so you're still still a part of your developing into each other's habits and behaviors, monitoring and dealing with reactions to things, and some things are new, some things are not. I think it's been I think room for growth and it has been great. I think we've had so many
moments that have been amazing with it. So many moments we've been angry and frustrated, and but whatever those moments have been, we've grown through them in a positive in a positive way. Listen, we're in a better place. We're in a better place now than maybe are yesterday, and will be a better place tomorrow than we are today because we try and grow from each each day. I don't think anyone's first year of marriage will be playing sailing.
I really don't. But as long as you recognize that, Okay, this is my person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that never changes, then I think you can. I think you can overcome any hurdle that happens in the first year. And there will be hurdles like we've had. But I've never like, I love you more than I loved you when we got married or nearly a year I love you more now we've grown more together, we've been through and more together.
It's been tough at certain times, but we've we've we've got through it, and we've we've embraced certain things. We've struggled with certain things, and I think that's part of it. Never going to be perfect, But you grow from the You grow from the the moments where you have to challenge each other or deal with each other or deal with certain things. So I think it's been amazing. Like I love being married to you, Thanks be.
I love be married too, too, And I think has it been perfect? No, But I wouldn't have wanted it to be in a sense where like I love that we've been able to work through things together and that piece makes us stronger. And I love that piece just like you said, like I love you more now than I did then. And also our first year marriage, we have a newborn, you know, we have you know, you're you know, fighting your fight over here with green cards and work and everything, and so that just adds a
whole layer. There's a lot of stress, you know, and so that's that's hard. And you know, three kids, and so it's probably looks a little different than maybe some people's first year of marriage that don't have kids. But I do think there is something to be said of you are settling in and that is the first year of settling in and figuring things out and how people operate.
And it's exactly what it's like I said to you a few weeks ago. We need to almost need to click what sales about a slack Yeah, and actually of ourselves a partner back because we deal with a lot through your stuff, an eighteen month old baby, a lot of logistics, a lot like Julie and Jace boy being far away, and so we handle a law as a couple, and there's a family, so we almost need to, like, you know, what'd be good.
Nikolache reveals the golden rule by which he and wife Vanessa Lachay abide to keep their marriage strong. He basically said, I think the best thing you can do is not bring your work home with you, which is tricky when you work with your spouse. Nick said on the episode, which premiered on Tuesday, May twenty seventh, I think we do a really good job of doing that for the most part, but it's not easy working with your spouse.
Sometimes sometimes you show up for work and there's an argument at home that you brought with you to work, and you don't want that to bleed over. And sometimes these arguments at work, there's arguments at work that bleed over. You don't want that, So you know, it's kind of good to compartmentalize and recognize that you're doing a job. Yes, you're a married couple and we've been working together for
almost twenty years. So I think that's the golden rule is don't bring your work home, don't bring home to work, try and keep it as separate as you can are. Do you think we're good with separating work at home.
Life, Yeah, I do. I think with disagreements about the podcast at times, but it's never carried on or lingered to a point where it becomes a problem. I yeah, there's certain times I've been disappointed in certain parts of my work and career and I've not I've not been in the best of moods, and so the other's things when I have brought it home, but it's never really caused a huge issue for us.
Yeah, I mean, I think kind of the same thing the other day, I was in a bummer mood, but I told you, and I think that's the piece where it's the best thing to do in those moments is when you are upset about maybe something at work, communicate to your spouse because if not, they're going to you will then bring it into the relationship with whatever mood you're in and how then it's going to of course
affect the relationship. So saying like, hey, I've had a really bad day at work today and this is kind of where I'm at and what you did for me, We're like, let's go for a run. You want to go for a run, And I'm like, actually, yeah, like I needed to get out and do that. But to wrap up, I'm curious what would be your golden rule for our marriage? I have one, if you want me
to go first, you okay? Mine would be to never say, like I think it's really important in a golden rule for marriages is to never say in a fight, I don't want to be with you or I don't want to do it be in this marriage anymore. I think it's so important to not do that in marriages because then it just kind of opens a can of well does hea says he mean that? And then insecurity and stuff like that. So I would be like, that would be the golden rule for me and for I think for a marriage too.
What do you think?
Yeah, I agreed. And also with that question, that's kind of a loaded question on what's the golden rule. I think there's a few golden rules. I think the I think it's something that we've always and I had a foundation on since the since we met was it's not always perfect. One of them has never been, but the respect or is always It's never perfect because you get frustrated, you get angry, and sometimes you can be a little bit disrespectful. But I think their biggest thing has always
been a golden real is is loyalty and respect. I think those times were swayed on the respect, but never the loyalty. In respect. I mean like someone's stepped over the line in an argument and said something mm hmm that they probably shouldn't have said. I e me, not so much, not so much as you. But I think if you've always got trust and loyalty and a marriage, then you will. You're with each other because you enjoy each other's company, you make each other laugh and it's fun. Okay.
I think there's a lot of things that our relationship can get through. I think a break of trust and loyalty, it struggles and softens.
Yeah, And I would say another piece on that, always act as if your partner's right next to you. Would you do what you were about to do if your partner was next to you? And that is a huge golden rule as.
Well, especially when your own movie sets.
Please, I'm so good. Respect levels off the charts.
I know that, and that's why we're still here, loving each other absolutely.
All right, guys, Well see you next week for another one. Send us your questions in bye bye