Adult Education: Push and Pull

Wind Down with Janet Kramer, an iHeartRadio podcast.

Interesting topic, David Harber says he's tried dating normal people in his early twenties, but they don't get his life as an actor. So David Harber was talking about his dating history during a conversation with Scarlett Johansson, who also said that she tried dating someone more normal.

What she says she said?

She said dating men outside of Hollywood cause jealousy since actors get very intimate. So she said, I've had serious relationship with people that were not in the industry, and I found one of the challenges was that the person had no idea of what I needed to do my job. Obviously, if I was dating an oncologist, I wouldn't know what they needed to do for their job. But it's not

Mm hmm.

I love one of the questions in this because it was alan, is Janna the first actress you've dated? It's like the first question I popped.

I was like, Oh, it's not.

It's not.

It's not Tell Tell not Talen.

But no, it's not.

I guess.

I mean, would we say that that one was an actual relationship though?

No, that was just like a fun little hook up.

Okay, pass, Yeah, I mean it was absolutely not relationship. Yeah that was Yeah, it's not even more discussing, but yeah, no, you're not the first actress that dated. But I don't I don't see people as like see this quote here, of dating normal people. Yeah, like the fine define normal.

An oncologist not a normal job, a teacher.

Because they're not in the lime light makes them normal. And I think it's I think it's I see your point. It's kind of the crying of their profession and the and demeaning of their not demeaning, but it's almost like, oh, it's only an ecologist, and an oncologist is an important job very and not by no means a normal person. So I think the definition of what normal is is it's different just because someone is an actress and they're in the limelight, or an actor they're in the limelight.

I I am, I agree with. I totally hear what you're saying. Yeah, Like, I definitely hear what you're saying. Having said that, I do think there's a bit of abnormality with our jobs. Like an oncologist is not kissing random co workers, I hope not. Let's just let's just start with that.

I hope.

I hope they aren't, do you know what I mean? A doctor isn't having a with people at walk I hope not. Again, let's just go to straight up, I hope not. So that's where I think it doesn't make it a normal quote unquote job.

I totally hear what you're saying that.

Yeah, I just don't like the phrase normal.

Sure, I it is a it is a I mean, I guess what would be the work because I totally hear what you're saying, and I wish there was a better word too, Yeah, because I totally get it, Like just oh, just because you're a teacher, that makes you normal, Like no, no, you have a very important job of teaching kids. And you have like that's that's not and to me, like that would be a really hard job. I couldn't imagine the patients that teachers have, so that's that would be a really hard job. I would say,

It's not.

The things that we have to do are not typical to what other professions would do, hopefully during during their work hours. It shouldn't be what they're doing.

I think there's a part of my profession where people have a judgment and people have an opinion because I train higher level players and stuff like that. Granted I'm not guessing.

My clients again, I hope not.

So that dynamic is different. Sure, absolutely. Did you find that hard to date normals normals?

Yeah, I think it's difficult at times for sure, because they don't understand like you really you know, we've had this conversation so many times on here about intimate scenes, I mean to you know, to the we don't even need to discuss it again, like we know we're you

You can see the red stump to fell off in my eyes. Here, why as the devil takes over me?

No, like you know, different situation. You know with this obviously I'm not single onset you.

Can get blood. How can the lanes get blowed?

Well, because you're around the person so much so if you're single and you're with this person all day long.

But as i your.

Shingle does nothing to blur your single you can do the hell you want anyway. So where's the blood lines?

The blurred lines are You're it's you're at summer camp and you're blurring professionalism. Just like in any job, really you can blur lines. But I think with this situation, it's you know, you're around the people. But you see, when you're around the people a lot too, you can get annoyed to them as well. I'm like, you know, and where I'm now, it's a I just like to kind of be alone because I show up, I do my work, I want to go home.

You can like someone at first and like the company being around, and then day three or four like pain in the ass, can't be asked, get me away from this person. Yeah, because you spent so much time with them. I understand that.

Mm hmm.

But I do see where lines can get blurred. But I think it is easier. I have a question about the person that you how many how long did you date that actress?

And then there's only one day?

You only one in one day?

Huh?

I think she still follows you on Instagram.

I don't know.

Every time we see her, like perfume Ad, I'm like, hey, bebe.

You want to be with you? Remember that could have been you. It didn't bother you that she was an actress.

No, And when it when it comes to you, like there's a question here about dating you and you was it difficult dating you because you were an actress? I don't see people as their jobs or their titles. I never have and never will. Does it. Did it make a difference to me that you were an actress or a singer or a heart surgeon or No? Absolutely not, and it doesn't. I've never been one for Okay, this person's got a title this. But I'm just like, I try and if you're a good person, then I try

So you wouldn't have cared if I was. I don't know what if I when you saw me on my on the page right, that's how I share.

You will not actous because I don't need to deal with a incussing scenes.

That's not true.

No, I want you to be an anxious because you love doing that. Yeah. Yeah, don't get me.

Don't mistake yeah, because that'll be a headline.

Yeah.

I do think it is is difficult, though, to date people that they just don't understand, just like I wouldn't understand like she said, I wouldn't understand what for example, professional athlete, you know you're coaching if you were to do well you were yeah, you know, And so I don't I didn't know much about soccer, I didn't know much of the coaching life being ten months away, Like there are things that I sure because if they're not used to that lifestyle, it's it's hard for people.

Yeah, I think there's also there's the unknown, Like don't I don't really know what it's like on a set with you and other people. So when I first started dating you, I was like, what does that look like? What you like on set? What are the other people like?

You see now kind of the you've done what a couple you know? Five plus movies now with me, so you can see that it's the same recipe in the same wheel, and it's you.

Know, it's the process is pretty much the same.

What it is every time each one.

Yeah, Yeah, do I get? Do I get? You know what I'm like the like I don't get jealous, But also I also need to lock eyes on the person that you're as your co star in the movie and be like, I need to figure this person out, and then once I figure them out, I'm more comfortable.

Would you get Yeah, I think I think you want to have that handshake with the dude, do Yeah.

And I think there's only been one you haven't liked.

Yeah, And it's not that I didn't like him. I just knew what he could have been in the background.

Yeah.

Anyway, not that I dislike him, because I think he's actually good at what he does and he was excellent in the movie.

Yeah.

But I think that goes to anything like you want to feel comfortable around your Like I would want to feel comfortable with who you're working with, And I think that's typical for a spouse to want to meet the person. And that's why I've been so like every time I'm like, hey, my mission always at first it's like for you to meet the person so you can see and have that connection and comfortability with them, and that's important to me, so that you're comfortable too.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I won with old guys so.

Well.

I mean you did coach for a women's team there for the first year.

Yeah, so you know.

But I again, it's about who you're with, right, So like in past lives with relationships, I would not have trusted that person to work on an all girls team with you. I'm like, have fun in Kansas, you know, like there's no I trusted you with being around a team of girls. Yeah, every week for how long?

Nine months? Ten months?

It's a couple of days a week. No, it wasn't that long. Was five months?

Okay?

Well even so like a week for five months.

Yeah, I was so comfortable because I trust you, and I think at the end of the day you can see the difference, like I was.

It's a great example.

I was showing him a instagram of someone that I've been in a movie with, and I said, this is how I used to.

Be with my co stars.

Say that again.

I showed you a video of somebody on Instagram of them like this is how I was like, babe, this is how I used to be on socials and you know, because I just was like, ah, like just we are just more free. But it does come off as quite inappropriate if you're in a relationship, but I never saw it that way.

Yeah, listen. Also depends in the situation.

I would like to instagram that's but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Like so there's times when I would have maybe wanted to more, but I'm like, oh, I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

What depends what you're doing in the Instagram video, Like that particular video you showed me the guys like hugging this woman. I'm like, i'd have been like I being straight on the phone. You know, Okay you then is it April Fool's Day? Get that down right now? I can get back. Yeah, I just spoke to the director.

Yeah? Yeah, I always am like because I want you to feel you know.

And you also don't want an angry Scott's and coming on to sit.

Yeah, stop it.

You wouldn't, okay, wouldn't.

Topic number two introducing kids to new partners, So lake Bell reveals parameters for introducing kids to new partners. She is open about co parenting her two kids to ex husband Scott Campbell, and that includes how the two navigate dating as single parents.

So she has.

Basically said that usually if she's hanging around someone for five or six months and they've shown that they care about meeting them, like okay, sometimes it happens a little sooner because if the people have kids, then you know, if the kids don't get along, that's kind of disastrous.

When you got did anyone? Oh yeah?

Uh?

I answered my own question in my brain? That did not end well.

I was gonna say, did you introduce someone post divorce? How was there a timeline for you in your brain?

Sorry?

Was there a timeline in my brain?

And this is not about me?

No, no, no, it's nothing to you, was there a timeline in my brain? I was. I was fueled by I was probably fueled by anger at that point in my life, where.

I think that's true for a lot of co parenting situations.

I was fueled by anger and resentment. And if I was to do it again, I would have done it. I would have done that differently, absolutely, and I would have I would have waited longer, and I would have put Troy's feelings in it first. So yeah, I have a regret around that. Absolutely I would have I would have waited and had more composure around it rather than fuel emotions around it, and like I had to do somewhat something to get one over someone else. Yeah, not handled it wrong? Absolutely?

Where does that sit with you?

Now?

It's it sets fine. I've had the discussion with Roy on it, like a few years back, and and I've apologized how or how I did that and given reasons felt why I did it and there were wrong reasons. So yeah, what.

Do you think is the best like tip then for people that are coming out of a divorce when it involves kids and having new relationships, Because I do I've always agreed, like when we've spoken about it, there is a piece where you are allowed to have your happiness and your Obviously it wasn't to end up with but I think there's like this push and pull between you, you wanting a new start, and but also it's hard when maybe they don't, when they don't mesh with the kids, that's that's tough.

Yeah, I think I think the biggest thing for me is the kids will tell you yeah, the kids will let you know you like you don't have to continually ask them and should never feel pressured by the other person saying well, what's the problem when we're going to meet the kids, Like it should always be about okay, this is and I think it should almost be the kids should depend on these The kids should come to you and say, look that I'm ready to meet this

Yeah, well we and I've always kind of had like a it's so hard to put a time limit on on it, right, like obviously the short like the very beginning, the first few months.

I don't think it's appropriate.

But if things are progressing, especially if they have kids, you know, I think you have to feel it out. There have been obviously I wish I didn't introduce the kids to you know, post, but that was I Again, I think when you're in that place of hurt and you're wanting to move on, it's messy. It gets a little messy.

Yeah, of course it does.

And even though I.

Tried going about it the right way, it's still they go back and be like, oh, that's a bummer. Now luckily learn from that made better choices post. And you know, trying to get the co parent to agree on proper timing is also really hard, and.

I think how you do it is also important. There's the timing of it, and then that's how Then that's how you do it and where you do it, and the environment and what you do it and so that the kids feel safe that they can leave that environment.

Well yeah, and I think with this situation too, like even when I was flying over to to didn't to come see you. You were very much like, you know, I'm spending time with Troy, and I need you know, I'll see you this is when you leave. Because it was we had to because because you learned the lesson, I guess on the last one. But he found out yea, which is funny, Like he was the one that actually found out before you even told him.

He actually he actually told me this story of how he found out. I'm mortified of him reading a Little Brown Mortified to this day, Like every time he tries to bring him up, I'm like, no, left in my room.

I die so mortifying.

Like I was like, no, no, no, we're not talking about it. Like I wrote a diary because we spent so much time apart that I thought it would be sweet when we didn't talk, because there's because of the time difference. I wrote essentially a journal of things that I was feeling. And oh my god, this is so she's a caam. I'm saying this well, and and I sent it to you and and then it was basically one of the things where then you can write and then send it back.

I never got it back.

It's fine, But did I even know it was there? Troy probably found it before. What do you mean, did John know thing?

I sent it to you? You opened it?

Oh, the one in a little Brown book? Yeah, a nice lettle book that is still cherish in the drawer.

Yeah, the whole point was like to send it, to write it back and forth.

Yeah, I get that memo.

Yeah you know you never sent it back. It's fine, it's all good. But in there I put my Christmas card of me and the kids. Okay, and that's when he saw it. Okay kids, Yeah, yeah, you.

Told me that. That wasn't that long ago that you told me that.

Yeah, and I was in a hole. I was like, please don't tell me.

I'm not sure read every page.

Let's hope.

Now, how did you feel introducing me to Mike, to Mike the kids or the kids and the kids? Like, how did you approach it with Mike when you knew you were going to introduce me to the kids?

We he was dating a girl around the same time that we It was the same almost the same time period where he was well, I'll say this, there was a time or no, that was that after the next time that didn't go well, Well.

Did you even think about it to who?

Like, oh, I'm very thought out now, I was after the last time. I just like, I cannot mess this up again, Like this has to be it.

Okay, So that's good information for people so based on the fact that you messed one up and would have done it differently, and I admit to the same, Yeah, they've done it ferently. What did you? What did you do? Definitely when I come onto the scene.

I knew that you were the one I was going to marry like that.

It was that potential where I wanted to then obviously see how you mesh with my kids. It was to that point, but just the other person that I knew I wasn't going to and there were things that was my mistake because I was wanting this made up story in my brain of what that was. So with this situation, I remember we were at I was going to because we had been talking since October. So so October remember, so it's been like it was like three months and

I knew exactly what go say.

I was like, I kind of do too, but I'll let you go first, and he's like, you know, you know, I've been talking to this person and you know, I it's it's I know it's only been these many months, but I would like to kind of introduce.

And I said, totally cool, totally get it.

I have also been thinking, are you cool, because you know he's going to maybe be coming at the end of you know, end of the month and in January or whatever, so just be nice to you know, have the meet because I think he's going to be moving here the next couple of months.

I remember, sorry, I remember when I was coming over

Yeah, well that's the thing. It's like, even now to this day where it's when Roman goes down, I'm like, all right, kids, family game time, you know, and it's like I am just laser focused on spending that time with the kids, and it's like, what if, what if this isn't the life that he does want? Like because because I do come with two young ones, like you you know, Troy is older, you know, and he's.

I was fifteen at the time, Jason still.

Tull up, you know.

Yeah, so Mike is this and I think there's a piece of that where you can say I'm to me as many times, but until you're in the situation, is he going to accept it's not just me, it's all of us. And for a while it's just been me and like cool, he accepts me and who I am, but I'm not that I'm different around my kids, but I am. I'm a mom and this is this is actually like you've seen the the highlight reel when I was in England, right because I had time to put on makeup and I was I got to sleep and

I think it's easier though, like to be to be fair on you, it's easier for me to meet younger kids than it was for you to meet boy.

Yeah, because it's not that it was hard to meet you, no, no, no no.

But love him.

Yeah. He's a teenager and he's got his own views, his own opinions, and he's got his own mom who he's been around for fifteen So it was more difficult for you. Well, I would assume it was more difficult for you.

Here's the problem.

I came from a I came from a divorced background, right, and so when my dad started, It's like I don't. I'm not looking for another mom. And again my kids have their dad too, but you again see them more than their dad. So you have such a big responsibility and also love and all of it to be this father figure in their life too. And for me it's it was harder because I don't. I don't get to see him as much as I would like to write.

I think nothing you do it well. I think he knows he can have a laugh with you and listen.

I am the one where he can, you know, take jokes at.

You know what I mean, like tell you a little yet won't tell me.

That's because I'm the cool friend, you know what I mean, like and the cool step you know step mom you know, right, But like in that I always think of like, yes I am a step mom, but I look at it as like not the mom, but as a friend because he's got, like I said, a great mom. So anyways, good chat, follow your heart with it. You don't want to evolving door, right, have people coming in and out.

It goes back to kids wants stability and safety. So if you're constantly introducing different people, then doesn't it gives a bad image of all that kids?

Right, So I would just for the people you know going through that now, just to keep that in mind and you know you're doing the best you can.

We all make mistakes, clearly we have to.

So anyways, on that note, see you next week.