A New Normal

has not been easy. I'll say that. UM. And honestly, I don't even know, like like I don't even know if I want to do the show anymore. I mean completely honest. Um, you know, I started the show, you know, by myself and something I always wanted to do. And um, and then you know, once Mike came on as a guest, and then we talked about our stuff, and you know, he said that he loved sharing, and so then we partnered together and but then it just felt like ours.

And so now it feels weird, um, not having him on here, and uh, I don't know, like it's not it's just it feels weird. It's like a m I mean, I can imagine. So this is this was y'all's thing that took off. This is this has always been your thing, but you know when you guys joined together, it really became I mean it was the two of you. And now you're here, which is so I don't even know

how you're doing it. You're so strong, And that's what I want you to know that everyone listening right now loves you, has your back, and you could come on here and talk about absolutely nothing and everyone is still going to cheer for you and lift you up. So just know that you have an insane army behind you of all of these listeners who are literally just tuning in today to hear that you're okay, Like they just want to know that you're okay, and it's it's tasts.

So you've got balls to be able to come on here, and you're so strong to be able to, you know, address it. And and I'm just amazed. So cry and you take No one wants to hear an hour of crying, but I mean you won't sniffling is like stop the sniffling, No, but you I mean it's hard right now, and even last night, like you you've. I definitely think you're better like you are. Yeah, I know you might not feel it,

but it takes time. I mean it's fresh, but even you know, every day so cliche, but every day you're tackling something and you're feeling better, you know. I don't know about that. I feel like it goes in waves. Um like I've. I feel like I'm so in the middle of the grieving where it's like and I when when I when I grieve, I isolate and I am like I don't want to I don't respond to like

my people, and I just like stay in bed. And I had a friend come over the other day and she was just like like I'm here for the grieving. But at the same time, she's like, you have to get out of bed, and I'm like, I don't. I don't know how. Sometimes it's like and it's like the days that you know, I've and obviously I have to because the kids, But the morning and the night are the hardest because it's like I I wake up and it's like that scene in Sex in the City where

she's like was it a dream? And then at night it's like my like I just can't. I can't sleep, and it's like, you know me, I'm usually in bed by eight thirty and like lights out by nine, and now I'm like counting the clock at two in the morning and being like, oh god, I gotta get up, and you know, the best mom I can be, but it's like I've never It's just it's it's so on. It's so hard when I have all these feelings and emotions and um and then I have to be a

mom on top of it. It's like it's I almost like the first week I counted down the nap time because I was like, Okay, I can go in my room and just like shut the door and like cry and my like just like cry, you know, and then like button it back up by like because it's like obviously I don't want the kids seeing this, of course. And I think that's I mean, everything you're saying right now, anyone who's been through this, I think this is so normal and so relatable. Like you're not alone in feeling

this way. It's just something that you're trying to navigate and you're doing the best that you can. Like you said, it's like, of course you're grieving, but it's like the kids are up and stuff I don't have. You don't have time to grieve. It is game time all day for you. And so I think that you're doing the best that you can. Like you, you really really are. I've only been here for a day, but I've seen it,

and well, you caught me. I was angry. I've been I've been sad, sad, sad, said sad, and then I hit a. You saw me on my one angry day. But I think, I mean, I think it's okay to be angry, and I think it's healthy to be angry because you know, everyone goes through waits. First you're sad, then you're you know, first we get sad, then we get mad. And I think it's okay whatever you're feeling, even if you were feeling happy or whatever you feel,

it's okay to feel that. And I think that's important for you to just remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. You're Nobody ever expected this, yeah, like this was not something you were like, I mean, not that anyone's ever prepared, but like you know, yeah, I I I do owe it to you, know, you and my friends. It's because because I still can't physically do things because of my freaking boob job that I got,

so I can't lift things. I can't, you know. And it's like I've I've had friends come over here and you know, do my Now I can do it all, but like, well not all of it, but like I couldn't even put glasses in the ashwasher because I was so depressed. Like I was like I had literally had my girls on rotation being like doing my dishes, taking my trash out, you know, like helping clean the house,

like helping me. Well, I'm just like a zombie. And that was like for two weeks, I was just in a totally and now I just kind of go in and out of like crying. And then because I didn't want this at the end of the day, like I think, I think we're like where I'm at as I'm embarrassed, Like I'm embarrassed by Yeah, I'm I'm embarrassed that this

is how it ended. And then I also feel like I let people down because it's you know, we've come out here and we fought and we fought for it, but really the words that was spoken wasn't I don't

know they were honest from me is what I'll say. Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm speechless, like I'm trying to find words, and I just I don't want you to feel any of those things, embarrassed, whatever it is, because I mean, I'm someone who considers myself in in the circle, in the Mix, podcast with You guys, shows with you, I was so this took me by like I was completely completely shook and shocked at all of this, So I

can't even imagine how it was for you. And I just yeah, I yeah, I mean I did too, because even a few days before things came to light, we were like, wow, we're really good right now, you know, And I was like that was where it was just like a because I thought we were good, and you know, even people on Instagram or like you guys seem so happy, and I was like, yeah, I thought so too. You know.

It's where it's like yeah, um, But I just I do want to say thank you to everyone who's reached out, and i'd say of so many d m s and messages, and I appreciate just hearing how you guys have walked through the same path and gotten to the other side, because right now I don't see the other side. Right now, I'm just like I'm gonna be alone forever, and like, you know, I'm kind of playing the you know, the SOB story um and but you know, just hearing your

guys of stories. But also like what kind of breaks my heart too, is there's been so many messages of people being like how did you get the courage to leave? I want to leave. I don't know how, you know, like I'm scared, and I'm like, there's there was actually more messages of that, and I was shocked by it. But I'm the same time, I'm like I didn't. I still don't have the strength. Like it's just something where

it's like I have no choice. That's a good point. Yeah, I mean I think I think so many people are in your situation and it's either they whether they turn a blind eye or they are in it for the kids or whatever reason. But it's it's sad to think that there are people who are struggling out there and look at you as like, you know, how did you do it? Like you're so strong. I'm like I am

the weakest I've ever been. Like it maybe hopefully in the future, like I'll feel that strength, but I'm like I went to my therapist a few weeks ago and being like, you know what, fine, I'll you know, I'll just I'll live this life. It's okay, Like I don't want to break up my family because my whole thing is like I didn't want this for the kids, like I've stayed for my kids, you know, even when other

things happen. And but you know, my therapist was like, you don't want to live that life where you're just constantly like it's taking your light away, it's taking your everything. And I'm just like, yeah, but my kids and like we'll be together, and like I don't want like the first time that they like me for overnight, I'm gonna be destroyed. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I worked for, it's not what I fought for. It is not king fair, and that makes me so angry.

It's like that I've I worked too damn hard for it to end this way you did. And but I just feel like now I'm like I don't like how like there'd be no way like we I just like and in my mind, I'm like I even asked, I asked some people like how like okay, how could I how could I try again? Like give me? But then I realized I was like, I'm now not I'm now weak. I always thought I was strong by staying. I'm now weak for staying because I'm staying because I don't want

to be alone. I'm staying because I want to keep my family together. And I don't know if I believe if I don't, I don't know if I believe a change anymore. Yeah, And I think sometimes, I mean, it's so hard, the scenarios back and forth. But I think in sir, scenarios, you know it is strong to stay.

But I think in this scenario, you are so strong for walking away, Like I know you don't feel it, but like you're sitting here crying for your family, like you will look back like the strength I mean, I know I keep bringing up today or last, but like the last twenty four hours, like the strength that I see is like I can't I can't even imagine. So you are so strong even though it doesn't feel like it right now. But I think you're right. You really

just had no choice. I mean I had friends that were like basically tell me they would lose respect for me. And those were the friends that were always like, we love you and support you no matter what you know, and that's tough, because that's tough. But as a friend, I yeah, like you can only watch someone go through so much before it actually starts to kill you. As

the front. When I realized I'm like I've told my therapist is I was like, I feel like now I'm the addict where I'm addicted, and I've I've been doing meetings and stuff and I um someone who she's a friend of mine. She's a sex and love addict and she's kind of like my sponsor. I've never really asked her, but I've been calling her so much. Her name's Brian and um and she I was like, Brian, I was like,

I feel like I'm coming off of heroin. Like I'm I'm like, I've never touched a drug before, but that's what it feels like where I'm just like I need it, like but it's like, what what do I need? Like is that's not healthy? Like that's not I don't even know what that healthy version looks like anymore. So it's like, ah, but it's just I've never felt that coming off of something like that, and I just but you know I had. It's just sucks, I know, and I hate seeing you

like this. I hate that you feel this way, but I genuinely believe, and I've told you this a thousand times. You're getting probably sick of it, but I genuinely genuinely believe that when you come out of all of this, whether it's a month, six months, a year, five years, you're light. You are going to shine so bright you thought you were happy to three years ago, like you

don't even know happy. And I genuinely believe that, like you're gonna be like, oh my god, I'm just so You're going to radiate happiness and sunshine to the people. Your friends are gonna look at you and be like, you know you you did it. You're so strong. You didn't think you were strong. And I know I keep saying that, but like I really I think the last

I think it's been hard for you. I think I think this has been really hard for you because like any relationship, ups and downs, everything, But you know, I can't wait for you to just be a ray of sunshine that you are but like times ten, because you

really are going to. I mean, people keep saying that, but I'm just like I don't feel that, like, and that's where I'm just like I lay in bed and I'm just like where I go through my like I'm gonna be alone and like I'm not gonna be the kids and this that another, and it's like I just I want to believe that, but I don't feel that now. That's kind of where I'm at and that's okay to not feel it now, Hi, Mark him. I had a question kind of based on what Sarah was just saying

about how hard it's been for you. Is there any part of you that feels relief that you no longer have to be wondering, no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop? Um? There is there. Yeah, there's a There's definitely moments where it's like it's nice to not have to wonder, worry, look um, because I was always so afraid of that moment um And you know, I even we had a conversation a few weeks before everything kind of came to light, and I was just like,

if there's anything, like, just tell me. I don't want to find it, like whatever it is, like we can work through it, because I just don't want to and like it was such a connected moment, and you know, he swore on his sobriety there was nothing and um, so yeah, but knowing now that like what I know, and not having to yeah, not having to look at things and question and wonder and worry, there is some relief and that, Um, but I'm not fully there yet.

I think I'll get there once I get past all the other I'm as because everything else is kind of like my friends are reminding me of that and I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're right, But there's still so much sadness. And most of the sadness just comes from my kids, um, because they didn't deserve this. They didn't they didn't ask for this, um.

And then also the dream of what I thought it was going to be, and the um who I thought I was working with, and the who you know he said to all of us who he was, you know, so it's a not having that really be a reality is kind of a slap in the face. Well, I thought I saw a quote today that I thought of you.

I said, I thought, Um, the quote is the moment you start to believe you deserve better, you do, So I am happy for you, and I do think that like Sarah was saying, you will look back on this as um a turning point one day and a year from now, two years from now, you'll be very happy that you made the decision you did. I'm gonna be alone Mark forever. You're not, because you're gonna be so happy. You're going to attract people to you that you didn't eat. Like.

Here's the thing, though, And I have so much work to do on myself because I've just picked the worst, Like my first guy, which I hate, you know saying this, but like you know, I hate I hate when they're like even married, you know three. It's like my first guy I met in two weeks, we went to you know, Vegas and got married. I was nineteen, Like I was an idiot. I don't consider that a marriage, and he

ended up trying to kill me. The second guy, we were married for a week, Like no, those two were not marriage and I wish I could just wipe those and like, this is my first marriage, this is what I've fought for, and like, but I just I was reading in my diary just like because I was like, I gotta figure this out, Like and why am I still wanting something that doesn't want to you know, change and grow and and and fight and um, I mean, I know it has nothing to do with me, but

I'm like, why do I still like I have this thing in me where I'm just like, I've never felt like I was good enohing. I don't know if that came from, you know, my parents divorced. I don't know. And I I mean, I know some of it, like why but I look back on my journal entries and it's like, I know I need to leave, but why can't I? And I'm like, why was I so weak? It's like why do I Why am I pining for like these men to like love me? You know, I don't know if it's weak or if you just didn't know,

you didn't have the tools, or you didn't understand. And now I think you do. Like you said, I mean, I think it's really big of you to admit that you have work to do on yourself. I think that's huge, like that you are owning this and saying I gotta work on myself too. And that's why, you know, don't

blame me. I don't want you to lame yourself, because I think all of us in this little circle right here can literally I mean we all worked very closely together, Like I think, it's not like you were you know, mh, this came out of left field. I'm gonna do the work, though, and I'm gonna attract one day, not now, one day hopefully I'll I'll be healthy to attract healthy, and you're gonna have like a ton of us behind you, having our checklist making sure. I can't even think about that

right now, exactly. Please don't focus on you know that is like the first it is. I know it is you and those kids are are which is a perfect thing to focus on. Yeah, um, anything, Mark, I have a question for you, yes, um, what like how we go forward? Because I don't know. I'm like, I don't want this to be now like the divorce guide you know of single mamas. I don't want you know, It's like I don't you want like a re like what like how do we rebrand this? How do we? How

do we what do we? What do we do? I don't even know, Like I don't know that we need to as a rebrand necessarily. That's such a cold way of looking at it. Um. I think this has always been about your journey, you know, because this show started as just you. Now it's you again in the future. Who knows what it will be. It's going to evolve, it's going to continue. People listen for you, they love you,

and they want to know about you. And now it's going to be about you pulling it all back together again, rebuilding somewhat. But it's also going to be the people you talk to and what's going on in your life. And the kids did this, and I think there's plenty of there's so much positive in your life that we'll be able to focus on. I don't think it's going to be a sad divorce divorce a podcast. And you have so many fans. You're like, you brought people here,

you know, the two of you didn't. Maybe you brought some, but you, like we've all said, you started this, this was a dream of yours. And I think you have so many people who are like, you know, listening right now, yelling at their phone like no, please keep doing this, like we love you, we we're here for you, we want to hear you. And so I agree with Mark, well, I'll keep going. I mean at your you know, let's keep you healthy. Yeah, Um, we have Gabby Bernstein coming

on the show. She's a number one New York Times best selling author. We've had her on the show before. Um, but she's basically an awesome life coach and writer and just I mean she's she's she needs to inspire us, so can't I Let's stake a break and then get her one. Okay. So really happy to have Gabby on because hopefully she'll give us some insights because I gotta believe that I'm not the only person going through grief

and trauma. You're not, yes, And I know that. UM. So that's why, you know, like I said, I'm not going to have each episode be this heavy thing. But I also I'm at the point of where of my kind of grieving and of losses now I need something to that I can like hold onto. So I guess Gabby, my first question is, you know, well, I'll ask this to um, because I've been told that it's not good to just mask grieving and not grieve like you have

to you have to sit in it, right. I think that you have to fully feel something all the way through to completion mhm, until you know that you have given yourself the full bodied expression of the emotional experience to allow it to actually move through you ultimately, and it may be a daily practice. It might be a daily practice of living in that full expression of feeling

the grief. And what happens for most people is when they push past that grief and that suffering, they may move beyond it through anesthetizing it with you know, the next relationship, or the drugs and the alcohol or the work addiction or whatever it is that they can numb it out with, but it's still there. It doesn't actually

go away. The energetic disturbance is still dwelling. So the more you give yourself permission to go there now, to feel the experience all the way through, to give yourself permission to grieve, the better you will be faster, the healthier you will be faster. And actually want to take back the word better because what's better, right, Better today is just that you're feeling more. Better today is that

you're giving yourself more permission to feel. So it's not that you're getting better, but you'll be freer from the experience the more you allow yourself to experience it. How do you I think I'm stuck in the I'm stuck in there, Like what if it's like what if he does change this time, or what if like you know, um, you know this person would change, And it's like, how do you how do you kind of not focus on

the what ifs and just start living your life? If thet's talk back to the what if because they don't. They're not real. The what ifs are a projection from the past onto the present or a projection of the of the future that doesn't exist. So what if something could have been differently or what if it could be different in the future is not real. It doesn't exist. All that's real is what's happening right here in this moment.

So this sounds really esoteric and pretty like self help new ag, but it's the most valuable thing you could do is to be fully present in the moment with whatever is up today and show up for today without the digging up the past and the future tripping of the future. Because all there is is right here right now. That's it. That's all there is. There's nothing else. There is no what if yesterday was different or what if tomorrow could be a different way I wanted to be

doesn't exist. I mean, what when you went through your miscarriage, Sarah, what was how did you get out of your grief? Um, I really allowed myself to feel it. Like I'm like you, I go into hiding, I go underground. Um it's probably not the healthiest, but for me, that's what is best. Like I just need to step back, cry it out, and then I'm someone who it's almost like I shed that, like I felt it. I allowed myself to feel it,

and then I can kind of grow from it. And and that's why, you know, I think, like what you guys are saying, like whatever you're grieving process is allow it because you know you're either going to be someone who goes and drinks every single night or copes with it in whatever way that you feel, or or you're gonna face it. And I think facing it, as hard as it is is you know. So when someone says that they don't want to sit in it and that we all grieve differently and they go off and do

fun things, that's really not the healthiest version. Well. I always say that you have to show up for WhatsApp or it will keep showing up. So, Okay, you want to go party for a week because you just need to let it out or you just need to numb out. Okay. We all have coping mechanisms that we may rely on from time to time, and as long as they're not life threatening or harming others, okay, maybe we need them for a moment, that's okay, that's okay. But you don't

want to stay there. You don't want to stay stuck there because you don't want to avoid what's up. You need to show up for it. If you don't show up for it, it'll keep coming up. It'll come up in the next relationship, It'll come up in the next job experience, or whatever. The issue. Maybe if it's not resolved in the president's going to continue to manifest in the future. So if I go to Miami for what would have been my sixer wedding anniversary, that's okay for

me to like not keep continue to sulk. A month later and it's like, it's okay for me to like go out, but I need to come back slute, Okay, Well, I I think that grieving isn't about always being upset.

I think that there's allowing yourself, as we've already said, to be fully present, to feel it all the way through, to truly allow yourself the permission to go there, and then to also give yourself permission to good days, give yourself permission to have fun, go to Miami, dance on the table, whatever, do your thing, because you need to live it minute by minute. When you're in traumatic grief, it is a minute by minute thing. It's not Okay, I'm going to be good in a month or two months.

It's like what am I doing right in this moment? Did I shower today? How do you? Yeah? Because that's that's where I'm like, it's is it depression because it's like it's like it's it takes so much energy for me to even put like my my bowl in the sink now, Like it's like it takes like every part of and it's I'm like, God, I'm like I feel weak, Like I feel like I'm like this weak person that I'm like I can't even like like it's almost like

I just want to snap out of it. But it's like that's I just feel like my body is just kind of like I'm just feeling Is a depression or is that just a part of grief? Depression is a part of grief. But I actually have a hit that I want to do something with. You would you be open to doing something that I think could give you a lot of relief right now. Okay, let's do it. So this is called emotional freedom technique. It's otherwise known as tapping. Have you guys heard of this? You know

what this is? I've done? Like? Is it similar to like m d R. It's quite similar to m d R. So E. M d R otherwise is known as eye movement to sensitization and reprocessing. And I think absolutely epic for you right now would be to get into some regular evening twice twice a week. Well, there you go. You are hooked up. You are on the fast tract

of freedom. I'm proud of you. That's amazing. So E m d R was extraordinarily beneficial for me when I was going through deep trauma recovery of my own in my own way, and I can say, you're all hooked up now. Similar to m d R, E f T addresses the emotional disturbance, and it expands that window of tolerance to feel into things that we otherwise might be

to protect of. And it also allows us to regulate our nervous systems so that we can actually process things with a greater sense of safety rather than being in that fight flight response. Okay, what you do is you tap on different energy meridians and you're gonna follow me. Tap on the side of your hand, eyebrow, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, the chin, the collar bone, under the arm, on the top of the head. You're gonna follow me. So you don't have

to remember that. And I'll say it also so someone's listening, they can tap along with us. Yes, tap with us, because you whoever is tapping along will borrow the benefits of the tapping as well. So this is where we begin. We well, you're gonna follow me, but the main process is we tap on the most pressing issue, the real disturbance, the grief, the trauma. We're gonna let you name it. And then when I recognize as I see a change,

I'm gonna start to guide you into the positive. But only when I noticed that it's safe enough to go there, and we may go. If you hear me talking about things that are like, oh, that sucks, I really I really hate that she's saying that that's good. Like just let's just let's be real. This isn't about this is no small talk. Which is going right into big talk. I don't even need to describe it too much. I want you to experience it. So tap with me while

we talk for a second. Just tap on the side of that karate chop point right here, and just talk to me for a second about the most pressing issue right now is just in your own words, what is the most pressing issue? That my family isn't together anymore? Family isn't together anymore? And like you know, like, yeah, I lost my family. I lost I lost the um what I the dreams of our family being together as a unit. I lost my dream of my family to be.

I lost my dream of my family. Okay, and anyone else that's tapping along with us, they can apply this to any form of loss that they may having, maybe having may not be specific to you, but it's their own loss. Okay. Now, from a scale of zero to ten, where is that grief? Where is that that with that pain? Totally okay, So just repeat after me, and just so I'm super clear, the most pressing issue is I'm I say it again in your own words. I want to

hear it exactly. Oh god, there's like a million but yeah, the most pressing I would say, is that, Um, I didn't want this. I didn't want my family to not be together. Okay, my family's I didn't want my family not to be together. Okay to repeat after me. Even though I didn't want my family not to be together. Even though I didn't want my family not to be together, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Take good time,

keep tapping and breathing. I just don't believe that yet. Yeah, even if you don't believe it, just say the words. Repeat after me. I deeply and completely I do believed, completely love and accept myself, love and accept myself. Even though I never wanted my family not to be together. Even though I never wanted my family to be together, okay not to be together. Well, I'll change it up a little. I deeply and completely, deeply and completely love

and accept myself, love and accept myself. And even though I'm devastated that my family is not together, and even though I'm devastated that my face only it's not together, I deeply and completely, deeply and completely love and accept myself, love and accept myself. Let's go to the eyebrow point. And the eyebrow point is right there where the hair of your eyebrow meets the bone, and I'm ana ten. Just repeat after me. I'm at a ten, I'm out of ten. Side of the eye. I never wanted my

family not to be together. I never wanted my family not to be together. Under the eye, I couldn't have imagined this. I could not have imagined this. Under the nose, I can't even get the ball in the sink. I can't even get the ball in the sink. Chin, I can't get the ball in the sink. I can't get the bull in the sink. Collar bone. All this pain, all this pain under the arm, all this what ifs, all the what ifs. Top of the head. I never didn't want my family not to be together. I never

didn't want my family not to be together. Hiro a point, I never wanted my family to split up. I never wanted my family to split up. Side of the eye, having it's hard time for giving myself. I'm having a hard time for giving myself under the eye, am having a hard time accepting myself and having a hard time accepting myself. Under the nose, I'm having trouble accepting myself. I'm having trouble accepting myself. Chen having some trouble accepting myself.

I'm having some trouble accepting myself. Collar bone and all that means to me, and all that means to me under the arm. Kind sucks, skin sucks over the head, This really sucks, is really good zucks. I wrote, why me? Side of the Eye. I never saw this coming. I never saw this coming under the eye. I never thought this would be me. I never thought this would be me under the nose. Kind sucks sucks under the chin. It really really sucks. It really really sick sucks collar bone,

it really really really really sicking sucks. Yes, really sucks over the head, and I just I just want relief, and i just want really eyebrow, and I'm working for it, and I'm working for it. Side of the eye. I'm doing my two E M. D R sessions a week sessions to MR sessions a week under the eye, and I'm doing my work, and I'm doing my work and reading a ton of self help books. Under the nose.

I'm reading a ton of self help books. I'm reading a ton of self help books and the chin and that is something I'm proud of, and that is something I am proud of collarbone. I'm really actually quite proud of myself. I am proud of myself. Under the arm, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. Out of ahead, I'm showing up for myself. I'm showing up for myself. I'm showing up for myself in the present moment. I'm

showing up for myself in the present moment. Out of the eye, I'm showing up for myself in the present moment. I'm showing up for myself in the present moment. Under the eye, I'm showing up for myself. For the future, I'm showing up for myself for the future. And under the nose, everything I'm doing now is hooking me up for my future. Everything I'm doing now is hooking me up for my future. Under the chin, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. All are wrong. I accept myself.

I accept myself. I really can accept myself right now. I really can accept myself right now. And this is the only moment that matters right now. And this is the only moment that matters right now. One more round. I accept myself right now. I accept myself right now. Side of the eye, I accept myself right now. I accept myself right now. Under the eye, I accept and forgive myself. Right now, I accepted and forgive myself. Right now. Under the nose, I accept and forgive myself. Right now,

I accept and forgive myself right now. Shin, I'm doing great. I'm doing good. Color. I'm doing as good as I can do today hand and as good as I can Under the arm, I'm doing as good as I can do today. I'm doing as good as I can do today. On top of the head, I'm doing as good as I can do today. I'm doing as good as I and do today. I'll take a deep breath in and just place your right hand on your heart and your left hand and your belly and breathe and on the excel,

let it go. You can cannonball breath like breathe deep in and on the excel, cannonball breath, let it go. M just when you're ready, just open your eyes and just notice what you notice about your body. And from the scale of zero to ten, now with the same most pressing issue, I never wanted my family to split up. Where are you now? I'm about five girl? Ye, thank

you You're welcome. Thank you for your bravery. That was a little bit long tapping, but I hope people borrowed it, because when you tap along, the listener or the viewer can borrow the benefits even if it's not exactly related to them. You cut it in half and seven minutes, maybe six minutes, I don't know how long that was.

So I think that the point I want to give you is that these practices E M, D R, E F. T. Reading the self help books, talking about it, moving physically, whatever it is that's working for you, you add it up, and you add it up, and you added up and you add it up, and each day that goes by, it gets easier and easier. These are showing up for it, right, Gabby? Um? Where can I mean? I know you have, I mean you're just you're everywhere. You're incredible of people that haven't

heard of you before. Where what books can they get? Where can they find you? Um? So that they can reap the benefits that we just got today. And I think the best place that people could find me I've written a lot of books, but the best places I just started a podcast called Deer Gabby, where I workshop people just like we did here. This wasn't my intention today. I was coming just a riff with you. But I want when I see suffering, it's it's like I'm a fixer.

I got to just go in and just fix and especially when I see that there's a desire, when there's a willingness which you've offered up beautifully. So I started my own podcast this week called Dear Gabby, and it's me workshopping coaching people in this way very extemporaneously with

all kinds of trauma and suffering. And my primary intention for that podcast is too shift the shame and stigmas and speak about the unspeakable, to give voice to the unspoken shame, the things that people don't talk about, and to normalize it. We're all suffering. One of the fastest ways to acceptance that we're all that of our own suffering is to recognize that we're not alone in it. It's called Dear Gabby on all your Apple and podcast players.

That's where I would send people these days. Well, I know what I'm listening to now, Um Gabby, thank you so much, and I'm gonna be sliding into your d m s because I'm gonna just need you every day, so listen. I'm I'm proud of you. I think that it's extremely brave to be vulnerable, and the greatest gift you can give yourself in the world is your authentic truth and your vulnerability. So just applaud yourself. And I also think that you're going to go through this experience

looking back. So proud of your bravery and your vulnerability. Thanks Gabby, Thank you, Gabby. I appreciate it. Everyone listened to Dear Gabby um wherever you listen to your podcast and then get her books because they're incredible. Thanks Gabby, Thanks guys, thank you so much. Seriously, really appreciate it. I gotta say I've slid into a few other like

self help d m s and like help me. I mean why not like like give me like because it's like I don't know if you went through this when you with your miscarriage, but I mean it's grief is grief, you know, like I don't think you can measure people's pain, and you know, and that is I remember going through just being the worst pain ever, you know, going through miscarriage and you just want to find like hope, you want to find totally and I think, like what Gabby said,

like you're you're ready, willing and able. You're not someone who thinks like I don't need the help. Like I think it says a lot that you're like, no, no, no help me. What can I do to get better? What can I do to be a better person? But our mom? You know? So yeah, I mean it keeps sliding because self help. It's just there's something there's nothing better than like getting Um, I just hope, even though

you don't feel hope. It's just like I've been knee deep and like quotes, Listen, I'm all about the quotes and the words, like say it as many times as you need, read it as many times as you need. I really think that there's something words or something about words. Yeah. And it's also about connecting with people that have been

there as well, so I have UM. I talked about her earlier in the show about how she's been a a light in the darkness for me, UM and someone who's really helping me kind of walk along my recovery journey as you know, as a love addict, you know, because it's like I just I want love and I don't want to be alone, and UM, so we have

brian Davis, Um this show. Hi Brianne, Hi, Lovely Ladies. Um. Brianne is a sex and love addict, and she had has been walking Um you know you guys had her on the show, UM last year and UM just walking through this journey with me and UM, you know she's she'll always she'll text me be like hey, I'm about to happen a meeting and I've I've done some meetings

and it's been really nice to just have a community. Um. Can you speak to on that community brand just of like how important it is to find something like that when you're in places of grief and needing connection. Yeah. I mean the first step is you're not alone. Other people are going through the same pain, the same feeling, the same loss, the powerlessness. You know, when we look outside of ourselves for someone to fix us or be the answer, or get an unavailable person to love us

that's not capable of loving us. To find a community, to get on a meeting with thirty other people, a hundred other people, three hundred other people because the worldwide and say my god, I'm not alone. That person is feeling the same way. They went through the same thing. And it's just the best community in the world because there is recovery and sex and love addiction. You just

have to commit to getting better. And if you're not committed, if you're not willing to look at your darkness, there's no way you're going to get better. And you have stepped into that, like, Okay, I have this thing I need to look at and there is possible for change

and self love and all that goodness. Yeah, because I was, you know, confiding in Briton, I'm like, I will say I I was worried that I would get triggered on there because I I don't like my sex addict husband, you know, and it's I don't ever want to like.

But at the same time, I also know that like we all have our stuff, but we're the people that are in there are really wanting to change and grow, just says I am too, you know, I'm like I but it's it was it was interesting because I I found myself like appreciating and like loving the fact that there are people willing to do the work and with me. I'm like I felt like I was coming off of Heroin still. You know. It's just like my love addiction is like love me, love me, like you know, show

me that I'm worth the fight. Well that I've told you that, And I explained when I was getting my six months chip, this man came in and he said, I can quit heroin, but I can't quit her. And he was addicted to this girlfriend that kept cheating on him and cheating on him. And this was a man. And I think we always think like the men is the cheaters and it goes both ways. But hey, there's empathy.

If someone's willing to do the work and change, that's where you can like stand up and say people change. I know people say it once a cheater are always a cheater. But I'm proof. I told you I used to cheat. I we've had this discussion, and I used to go from relationship to relationship like you and I have talked about, and there is change is possible. But you have to be willing to do the work. And yes, you hate your cheater husband and he's not doing the work.

It pisces me off, like I've told you how angry it makes me. Um, But you are willing to do the work. You're willing to walk through the fire and let it burn and come out on the other side, and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing that you can't feel yet, but as your friend, I can see you

on the other side. Thanks. Um, Like it's hard taking like because I'm like, I don't feel it yet, but um, the I'm curious because so I've been doing a lot of sm on meetings and I've been sitting you know, and sharing my story, and I a lot of d MS that I've gotten in some of you know, just like being in those meetings is they don't know how to leave, and it's like that brokenness and they don't feel good enough, and it's like that part just makes me so sad for just the women out there that

are in that situation and where I'm still like struggling of you know, not feeling good enough. It's like, how how do you kind of walk through that path of finding your strength? Well, I think the first thing is admitting that you have a problem, admitting that you can't walk away from this unavailable person. Just saying that and saying I'm struggling. I want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to try to make this work. But you have to remember you could be the most

perfect person. You could have everything someone envisions as perfection, but if they are not available, if they have something that is shutting down there, you know, connection, there is nothing you can do. And I think the first the second thing is being like, there is nothing you can do to make an available, unavailable person be available. It's impossible. That's like the most impossible task ever. So I think just understanding that, like you could do everything perfect, Jannah,

and it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter. But I look at you and we've had this thing and I said, but you've changed brand, You've changed, like I'm like, and even when we were on the meeting the other day, I was like, but do they do they get back together? Like there's this like because I long for the like you know, I long for this, you know, um the change, but at some point, like there just might not be changed,

right right. I mean you and I've had this discussion for years and I told you, you know, like stick it out, maybe separate, maybe maybe you know, do that work. And this last time I just said, you gotta get out. It's not it's not happening. He's people, he's not taking it seriously. And the reason that I have changed because I was willing to look at all the things I have done to feel those feelings too, you know, walk through the process of getting healed from sex and love addiction.

It is harder to get through sex and love addiction than a A and A Not that any any addiction is bad, but when you're addicted to people, when you're addicted to sexual acts, it is like the most difficult addiction. And like I said, you have to be willing to change for I change for me, not for my husband, not for anybody else. I had to change for me. And if you're not willing to change for if he wasn't willing to change for him, he's never going to change.

He's never going to change. I feel like that's just like what we've all been saying over and over and like that's what Like how do you tell someone Janna or others listening like it wasn't you, it's not you. Because I even said, I'm like, you know, all the resources in the world, someone could have everything they ever needed, but like they have to do it ultimately end of the day. Yeah, I mean that's the problem. Janna has to get to it herself. You and I can say

everything I can bring her in the program. I can give the tools she can. She has to be the one that her Psyche has to like let go of the fantasy of what was or what could have been and step into the reality of this is the situation. This is where I am. I have to love myself enough to walk away. And I'm saying this and this is so hard for me, you guys to say, because I'm an advocate for any sex attic, sex and love addict. As Janna knows, I've been an advocate for their relationship.

But it's just like you have to let go when someone is not willing to do the work. It takes two people to do the work. And when that doesn't happen, you have to be able to walk away. But nobody can tell you. It's a process she has to go through, just like I had to go through, just like my sponsors, just like a million people I've worked with. Um, let's talk about your book because you have a book out and tell us all about it and yeah, well I

read it, Yeah, so the book is. I really I'm really grateful that you brought me on because the reason that I wanted to talk about sex and love act I never wanted to break my anonymity, but nobody understands it and they think it's like a made up disease or it's a man's disease. I mean, Janna and I had that whole conversation. But I wanted to write a book that was fun. It's like a summer on the beach,

really fun book, but it also educates. You know, it's a story of a girl in Hollywood going through her first year of recovery. It's based on my life, other people's experiences. There's other female characters in it, and you really follow this journey of the first year of recovery, what it looks like, how horrible it is. The subtext, it's just like it will take you through the nitty gritty,

the dirty, the like embarrassing, all those things. And I just wanted to make it fun but also educational and people they can get it on Amazon um worldwide. We're worldwide now and yeah, and the audible just came out and it was torture recording. I almost called you and was like, can you just read the character because I don't want to relive all these horrible things that have happened. Well, it's called The Secret life of a sex and love addict.

It's an awesome read. Um, it's fun. But yeah again it's it's it's you're also going to get an in in that in that world. Um yeah, this is what This has been a heavy show. Yeah, well I mean that's life. Yeah, like and it won't always be like this. Yeah. And feelings here's the thing that really helped me. Feelings are meant to be felt. We especially you know your tendency, my tendency, we don't want to feel feelings. We want to feel euphoria. Love addicts, exotics want to feel euphoria.

But feelings are meant to be felt, and you have to feel them, and you're feeling them. And every time I would cry, my therapist would tell me, you're digging through this to get to your gold, Like Janna, you're digging through this to get to your gold. So every time you cry, just like pat yourself on the back that you're willing to walk through these uncomfortable sad you know, abandonment feelings and it will go away one day, I promise.

I'm gonna hold you do that, okay right now. Um, but Brianne, thank you so much for coming on the show, and guys, for everyone listening, I hope that I apologize that was a rough one to get through. Um, Sarah, thanks for flying in and doing this of course, UM, and everyone please listen to her podcast as well. Oh my, this is not the timing, this is not the chicks. It's amazing. They talk about you know, shows, movies, all of it. They're like, they're hilarious. It's a good one.

You're welcome. UM. I always want to support my friend, but like, this is about you. This is like, no, we're supporting you today. And but what we can I promise you every week will not be a SOB show. We're going to figure this out and let us know, you know, some things that you guys want us to continue to talk about, and UM, yeah, we'll figure this

out together. We're on this journey together. And I hope that we were able to help people today get through um whatever they're grieving or having pain or lost with so UM, I'll see you guys next week hopefully. Bye guys,