WHY DO EX’S ALWAYS COME BACK…

I want the fairy tale. I want the prince charming.

She how do I put this? Isn't a fan of my kissing.

Style with boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours. He's in a trash bin. He's non recyclable catching them up.

I love being love. I love love. On today's episode of Where's Your Head At, we'll be taking a look at whether exes always find a way to come back and haunt us.

Do they genuinely miss us and want us back, or are we the rebound that will satisfy them until they find the next best thing.

Stay tuned.

Where's Your Head At is a podcast that talks all things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.

This is your new go to destination for laughs, gossip, intimate details, advice, and much more. Him map, Hey Anna, and hello to all our listeners out there. I just start off by saying, Anna, remember how you told me that it's going to be a struggle once Jen moves into my shared house.

Yeah, I said it was going to be a huge challenge.

Well, I don't say this often, but you're right, Anna. Yeah, that's all right.

I'm glad that you've said this. On the podcast. We'll just replay that one more time here.

Yeah, well, look it's all right. There's just a couple of things that have happened that I want to touch on real quickly.

Oh.

No, first of all, we don't have the master bedroom, so we have what we've agreed is probably for maybe like a pubescent boy.

Probably What does that mean. It's like the bed only.

Yeah, no, there's a bit of room for activities around the bed. But the wardrobe it could only fit like just a teenage boy who's got like three shirts, right, So try to get that with two people. It's very chesting, and there's been a lot of clothes. If you go down to the local salvos you might get some of my clothes.

At this point that's uploading.

Yeah, I've had to clean out my wardrobe. Also. Jen gave the house a very deep clean, so she's gone around with her vacuum cleaner that's whole white. She's just given the house a whole once over, to the point where she scrubbed the shower so much that I couldn't even believe that it was actually had a color under there.

It was that's never seen the color, but the shower actually doesn't.

Hang on, wait, it isn't like brown and multi weight. What's going on now? She's all credit to her where it's she's done really well. She has said to me she does not want to talk about what she saw under the toilet seat.

Got one of Is that like all of the boys pibs.

No, I don't know. That's all she wants, that's all she said, because we have one of those toilet seats that doesn't stay up and it's shared between three boys. So pibs. Well, I say, Pierce, I don't know what's under there, and she just said she never wants to speak about it again. Anyway, that memory to the back of her mind. But we had a bit of dramas as well. The other day the toilet broke.

The toilet broke, yes in the boy's house.

Yeah, so the toilet broke and we had no toilet for half a day. So that was a big struggle as well, you know, quick trips up to Macas.

That's challenging.

That it was. It was very challenging, but we got through it now and we're better for it.

Look to be honest, the house did probably need a deep clean, so like if I was in Jem's physician. I would definitely be on that same train of thought, like it needs a full, deep clean, Like who knows what's happened in that house before she's arrived there.

There's some stories, I know.

Yeah, Look, living without a toilet's not fun for anyone, but when you're living in a house full of boys just makes it so much worse.

Yeah, it wasn't the most ideal situation for any of us, but we got through it. And let's say we're going to be monitoring that toilet to make sure that doesn't happen again. All right, So here was your weekend.

It was really good.

Michael and I ended up going to our first festival together, which was, you know, another milestone in our relationship, super exciting. We had such a fun time. I just love it that live music's back and we fully got around it.

So you had fun at this festival with your partner.

Yeah, why do you seem surprised?

I've never found that fun with my partner, Like I want a festivals and now I all think it's a place that like you go single and let loose. Maybe it was my age, my maturity level, but like I haven't done one with Jen yet a festival. I don't think I will, to be honest, but like, yeah, I found him that fun with a partner.

So you've been to festivals with a partner and you just didn't think it was that good of a time.

Yeah, I remember, like went to New Year's one year with my ex and it just wasn't. I don't know. It was different from the years when I went single. Maybe it was my age at the time, maybe it was my priorities in my mind, all that kind of stuff. Maybe it wasn't to let loose and have fun.

I mean, I have a question. Do you enjoy getting drunk with Jen?

Yeah, Jesus, yeah I do.

So then why would you not love going to live music?

Well, I said I drunk, Like I said, I haven't done it yet, so maybe I might enjoy it, but just in the past, I haven't.

And I mean, yeah, I guess like when we first start going to festivals, I know, for me, I was single. So if that's your mindset that it's like a single event that you do, then fair enough. But yeah, it's so fun going with a partner, and like it's fun getting to experience live music together, and especially if you both love someone who's playing, like it was so much fun.

I think the year I went before that I was single, I had this much fun and I just.

Spoke for this much for ever friend listening.

It's like one hundred percent. And I think that the next year I had a partner, and I don't think that anything could have topped the year before.

He was hitting sixty five with a partners.

Yeah, yeah, I just don't think anything could top the year before. So maybe that's why I have that opinion. But I'm surprised and I'm happy for you guys that you had that much fun.

Yeah, I mean it was funny.

Like I'm twenty nine, obviously, I've been going to festivals for a long time. I think, as much as I hate to say it, I think my festival days are kind of almost like if there's a band that I love one hundred percent, I'll go to see it, like Kings of Leona coming out soon to Melbourne.

But yeah, bands different.

But for actual festivals, like it was just so young, like so many young people, and that's fine, but I did find it a little bit hectic, Like there was lots of little hectic.

Events that happened throughout the day.

And I was just like, WHOA, I'm too old for this shit.

I'm too old for this shit, Like what is happening?

Like there was puncheons, there was people o ding like I was just like, WHOA, this is too much. I also saw this couple break up at the start of the day. They looked pretty aggressive with one another, which was a bit scary because I was like, oh, I don't like the look of that, Like that seems like way too much.

And then by the end of the night they were making out.

Loving life, and I was just like, Wow, I have some serious whiplash, and like the amount of aggressn't that I saw before?

There's just a lot.

I think that it's safe to say that this happens a lot in relationships. You break up and you get back together, which brings us coincidentally to our topic today of does your ex always come back?

Let's jump in.

Okay, Matt, let's jump into this. Why do exes always come back? Have you ever had an X that keeps coming back into your life?

Yes? So, my ex Laura and me have been doing that for since we broke up, for years, even before we even started dating. We always would just come and go between each other's lives and wow, kept that up. Sometimes we can catch up and it's completely botonic.

When did you guys break up? How old were you?

Twenty three and you are now twenty six, so for three years three and a half years.

Yeah, so what you'd both like be seeing other people and then one of you would break up or the other would break up, and you'd both be single and then you'd Yeah, from.

What I know, I would be seing other people. She's never told me if she's seen anyone or anything, like, I know she's obviously being with other people than that. But we'd always just shoot each other messages and say, hey, like this movie's coming out, you want to go see it? And we catch up, literally have dinner. She'd cook me dinner. I'd go around to hers, and it was literally completely patonic sometimes and obviously sometimes it wasn't sometimes you.

Know, see that's what I mean though, like you say, it's completely platonic, then you go, but sometimes it wasn't.

Yeah, well, if the if the vibe was there, sometimes we would hook up.

Isn't that so confusing? Though?

There was one time the most recent time I afterwards was like because I was like, well, hang on, and then she just said, can't we just be friends like that do this sort of stuff? And I was like, well, yeah, we can.

I was like, so you mean, does she mean friends that sleep together?

Yeah? Because I thought it was like, well, I don't want to hurt you because I don't want that again. And I brought that conversation. So I brought up with him and she was like, Matt, I just thought we could just be two friends that do that sometimes and hang out.

But is that possible, like two friends want to have sex? Like, don't people want to have sex when it's like a bit more. I don't know, Like it's a genuine question. I'm not sure.

Well, it's safe to say we dated. We've been in each other's lives now sexually for a decade. We know it's not going to work. We just know each other very well, so we know that we feel comfort in each other.

I guess, so it's a comfortability thing.

Yeah, So I think we guess keep going back to each other through comfort.

Why do we feel the need to stay connected with an X?

I feel because in some ways you can have such a shared history with them and have experienced such milestones together and also put so much time and invested so much energy into that person that to just let it go could sometimes be huge waste and like could almost sort of make someone feel empty or like they must like they've wasted their time, so they continued coming back, even though they know it's not right and it's not going to work for them, they still feel like they

Yeah, I mean, look, there's definitely two ways of looking at this, and I think the way that you're looking at it is definitely like if you're going to be best friends with someone and spend all your time with them and put all this energy into someone, and like that's the person who you want to see all day every day, like they are your person, and then all of a sudden you break up with them, and that shifts and changes, Like of course that's that. Of course

I agree completely, And that's why now that I have a girlfriend and I'm in a relationship, I have not reached out or Laura hasn't reached out to me.

So you guys respect the boundary.

Yes, we respect the boundaries.

Yeah, And I.

Think that's the tricky part because, yeah, when we're in a relationship, it can make xes long for us because they go, look at how happy Anna is. Look at how happy that is. He looks like he's having a wonderful time. Remember when I used to have wonderful times with Matt Well, I wish I had that back.

All right, And so you've had an illustrious list of Xes trying to come back into your life. What are some of the main ways they have tried to get back into your life? A late night text is probably one.

It's one of your personal thing.

Yeah, it's a classic go to What would be another one?

I mean, I feel like X's story reactions are a big one. They just want to mind you, like, hey, I'm still alive, Like I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to send you a little flame emogory because you're looking fine today and it's.

Almost like when you see it pop up, I'm just like, come on, if you can see that, I'm in a relationship now, Like just.

Yeah, what about liking photos?

Like if an ex is liking your photo.

They liking it while it's freshly uploaded or are they liking it a couple of days in the track?

Doesn't matter.

I feel freshly uploaded, no harm, no fear. I yeah, I mean makes up his own rules. No, if someone likes mine, I'm not going to look into that. I wouldn't like an excess photo. I'm saying if like one liked mine that I'd slept with or been with as it was a fresh upload, I'd be like, man, you know, thanks for the support the engagement. But if it was a couple of days later, I'd be like, come on, move on.

So what you think, like if they do it two days later, they're trying to get your attention.

Yeah, what if if they're like liking like a super old phone.

Then they're definitely trying to get your attention. I mean, if they're liking it when it's freshly uploaded and they have the confidence to think that I've noticed them in the mix of thousands of people, they're fucking ambitious.

Yeah, what about Like, so I know that when people break up a lot of the time people unfollow x'es, right, Yeah, Or like if you're in a new relationship, you might be like, well, I'm probably gonna unfollow because I feel a bit uncomfortable like viewing your stuff or whatever it might be.

Now, this happened to me recently.

An X of mine had unfollowed me because I obviously had a new boyfriend whatever all as well. Yeah, he recently refollowed me, and I was like, oh, there he is, Hey, what's going on?

Did he reach out?

No, he didn't reach out, but he just he refollowed.

So did you follow him back?

I'd never unfollowed him.

How freshly broken up were you before you met Michael?

It wasn't an official but it was a guy who I was seeing before Michael was.

He probably heartbroken and seeing you post with a new guy was probably a bit too confronting for him, and you know he's taking some time to reflect on his own thoughts and he's come back comfortable enough and ready enough to view your stories with Michael. Do you think that's what's happened or he's just trying to get your attention.

Maybe I feel like you're talking from experience.

Take some time to consult myself, talk to my loved ones.

It's too confronting.

I'm ready to look back at the stories and then it all comes down heavy again and you're like, oh, well that was a mistake. Unfollowed. Is this what's happened?

I mean, you probably know better than me, Like you're the.

Guy I've never done that.

I was just taking the pierce, But I don't lie.

It's I know that that's definitely happens to people out there. Fortunately with me, with my most recent ex, I've blocked her on every sort of contact. I've blocked her on phone, number, Instagram, Facebook, I don't know. The only point of contact we had was my old email address, which since has been hacked. So some Norwegian hackers getting all my hate mail from.

Wait were you getting hate mail?

Yeah? I was getting a couple I.

Got you're getting emails.

There was a couple of them, but I'll tell this story. Fuck it. Yes, So we weren't seeing each other at the time on her birthday, so I'm not going to go out and get a gift givings on my love language. So I'm not going to get u some extravagant present. We're not together. I'm more sentimental. So I got her a card and a DVD of our movie. That was one of the nice times we spent together, was watching that movie. Was one of the very nice days that we spent together.

I'm not laughing, but I just remember this story coming back to me.

And obviously we'd release a couple of our podcast episodes. The subject title for the email read, don't ever fucking talk about me on your podcast again? Foid with an attachment of the card and the d all cut off.

So why are we talking about her on this podcast?

Well, like I said, that, poor Norwegian Hacko's going to get sent some more hate.

Oh my god. I would love to see the emails.

I could probably pull it off.

But interesting.

Okay, So, Matt, have you been the one that's tried to get back with any of your exes?

Yeah? Probably my first girlfriend. She broke up with me. I tried to get back with her. Thank god I didn't. She's now in happy relationship, engaged. I definitely wasn't the best guy for her and she's found her dream guy, so lucky. We didn't get back together, but I tried with her as well. I've always been broken up with and I have, yeah, and I've always been like, well, I'm not ready for this right now, so it doesn't matter. Yeah, no, no, no,

Yeah, because you're so needy, you can't possibly like you're like, no, like direct.

Anymore.

You don't want to be me?

Why what about you? Have you reached out to any of your Exesena.

No, I actually haven't.

I mean, like there's always those moments when you're single, a little bit tipsy, and you might, like I don't know, react to someone's story or like you know, like send them a message being like hope you're well or whatever. But I genuinely do not want to get back with any of my exes. Like once I'm over it, I'm over it. I remember, like the second guy I ever slept with, we were seeing each other for a bit kind of fizzled out. I think like two to three years later. He was like saw that I was out,

Like why not. I ended up going home with him.

No.

He tried to kiss me when we got home, and like it just felt so off, Like I was just like the kiss was just uncomfortable, it was awkward. I was like, I'm so moved on from this, Like I feel like I've done so much growing and like progressing, and it kind of felt like I was getting pulled back to eighteen year old Anna, and I was like, oh, I just don't like it. And I ended up sleeping over at his house and I was like, I don't want.

To kiss you.

It feels really off. It feels weird. And he was like, oh, really, it doesn't feel weird to me. I was like, well it does to me, so it ain't happening. And then he was like, do you mind if I cuddle you? And I was like, m I'm just like feeling really warm and I just like prefer to not be cuddled.

And I just like it.

Really does rain true with me, Like I do not think I'm capable of going back to an X.

Like, once it's done for me, it's done.

Once I've started that healing process and I've gone on that journey, there is no turning back.

I know I've said all this stuff I've said here, but I agree that I and I think when we spoke about this before we came on, I said, I know why these relationships broke up, and I never want to be in another relationship like it didn't work for a reason. But I obviously at the time i'd try and win them back because I didn't realize that I hadn't fully understood why they've broken up with me, And now that I do, I don't try and get them back in a relationship sort of way.

Yeah.

Well, let's talk about why x's actually do come back next.

So a question on a lot of our listeners' lips right now, Anna, is why has an X come back to haunt me? Well, we've taken the time to write down a couple of reasons why we personally feel like x's come back to haunt you and back into your life. So let's run through.

Them, so obviously the first one we've touched on this. They're jealous of your new relationship. You look very happy. They think back to the good times you guys had together, and they're like, fuck, now I'm single. The dating pool is not as good as I thought it was going to be. Maybe the grass is greener back where you are.

They're also looking for some emotional support during a difficult time.

That knows a lot of it's a lot about that.

About that one. So that one is the main point. I think I really said that one.

Actually, that one's double our new line. Another one is they've only just realized how good they had it with you. I now think they can make it work. Look, I don't know about this one. I think if you're willing to break up with someone and let you know, then plant their seats throughout the dating world, can you have these realizations Like I don't know.

I feel like you can, but it's too little too late.

Yeah, I think it's too little too late as well.

Yeah, you've got to know why you're in the relationships.

Yeah, you need to value them. I think that's the key point. Like, if you're not valuing your.

Partner, then like then it's time to move on.

Okay, this one. They need an ego boost, need a confidence boost.

Maybe they got let down by someone, maybe they got rejected, and they want to come back to that dopamine hit that you give them.

It's an easy hit, right, Yeah, exactly.

They just want to sleep with you. They just want to sleep with someone that's easy to sleep with. When I say easy, I mean like, you know, you guys have shared your bodies together, so they know what to do. You know what to do, you know each other's body as well.

Comfortability, comfortability.

Yes, you guys know each other well, and they're going to come back to something they know when they feel comfortable with.

Yeah, they're healing from a recent breakup. That was kind of like what we both said, like we went back after a breakup because it was just that's very common.

I think that's also another one is they're drunk. There's always a drunk text, drunk call. We've all done it. Don't sit there and think you're better than us because you haven't.

Have you done a lot of drunk texting?

Ah not in recent years?

Yeah, Like I feel like that was eighteen to twenty year old me, Like after.

That, oh, actually I lie. Probably Yeah, drunk texting not to exes but to people.

Yeah, actually I think highlight to.

Everyone. Drunk text is a potential part, you know, fling, whatever you want to call it.

This is a good one. They saw a recent picture of you and it was a bit of a first trap.

Now, I mean, look, we all put those photos up that could potentially be classified as a bit of a first trap photo.

You know.

The comments come in fast and heavy. There's lots of flame emojis coming through into the dms. Have you ever reached out to someone when they put up a first trap, Matt?

Yeah, I have.

Actually, that's the look that Matt just gave me.

I'm guilty of that. Let's move on. I think that's a whole other episode, to be honest. First traps they're just looking for a little bit of closure. Yeah.

I've definitely reached out to X's in the past, not because I want to get back with them, but just for that little bit of closure that I just didn't feel that I quite got.

They think they have changed and want to try again.

Do people really change though, No, they don't.

I mean with some really self reflecting and self building, the right speaking to the right people, they could, but that's if they want to change.

Yeah, I don't know. I think yeah.

Look, timing in relationships is super important, very important, and maybe if you were with someone when you were younger, you maybe didn't treat them the best, and then you grow up probably look back and reflect and all the good times you have together and think like, maybe I was a bit of an asshole and maybe I could treat them better.

I mean, could it work? Probably? Maybe?

Yeah, I know that. Laura, after listening to one of these episodes right at the start, reached out to me and she said it was sort of hard to hear you speak the way you did, because she was like, that was the sort of guy I've been looking for all those years ago. Really yeah, and she said, you've now become the man that I wanted you to become.

Wow, that's huge.

Yeah. So I guess people do change in a way.

We will grow up, we all mature, and I think for the right person, you will be the best version of yourself because you don't want to let them down and you really want them to have the world.

Well, you know me, I'm always up to growing and being a better person.

So but I mean like, look, the big question is is it healthy to have exes trying to come back into your life, especially if you're in a relationship, Like I know for me personally, and I think you're probably in the same boat. I'm happy in my relationships, so honestly, having an ex contact me is literally the last thing I want. Like, obviously me and Michael have a very open relationship, so if an X is going to reach out,

Yeah, I agree, And it's something that like, it's not needed. I reckon, it's another stress on the relationship that's not really needed.

Yeah, Okay, So look, we've spoken about why exes come back to haunt us. Let's now talk about how to stop them from contacting you.

And I'm in a happy relationship now with Jen and Dora love it a bits. Let's just say, hypothetically, I have an exit keeps contacting me. How do I tell it to stop?

Look, okay, the first thing we want to do is directly tell them that you want to cease all communication. I think sometimes when an ex doesn't hear the words please stop contacting me very directly. They just think that they can keep trying and trying and trying.

And then there's the opposite end of that, which is do not respond to their text cause or anything, any reacts or anything that they do.

Ghost them, basically is what you're saying.

Yeah, ghost them to leave them on scene. Let them take the hint. And if they don't take the hint, I reckon. The best thing to do would be block their number and unfriend them on all social media platforms. I think as well, it's good to try not to check in on them, So if you've blocked them on your actual account, don't make a burner account and start stalking them and having a look at what they've done.

I think that keeping up to date with people's lives isn't necessarily healthy, and I think that focusing on your own life and what's important to you and remaining positive and having that good energy around you is what you want.

And the last point is stay strong and don't romanticize all the good parts that you had. Like we said before, I'm very guilty of it. You've got to remember the bad parts as well. So little tip I did was I got a little journal and I wrote down how I was feeling, wrote down all the bad parts, and when I did remember good parts and I felt like I missed them, I went back and read that.

Yeah, we've touched on this on our episode Breakups at.

Burn season one, episode two. Go back and take a listen if you haven't already.

And basically what I do is I write myself a letter from myself telling myself all of the reasons why I shouldn't be with this person, why we're not write together. And any time I feel like I have a little bit of a slip, which hasn't been recently, but I'm talking about like early stages of breakup, you read the letter, you feel so much better.

And after saying all this X is reaching out to us, all that sort of stuff. Do you think we like it a little bit when an X reaches out. Do we think that makes us feel feel good inside a quick release of serotonin? Yeah?

Like, I think a lot of the time.

The reason why a lot of people will just leave their exes on red and not be like, please do not reach out to me, is because they want to see how many times the ex is going to reach out to them. And it does give you a bit of a serotonin hit. Like, I think we'd all be.

Lying if we said that it didn't.

Each and every one of us would get that like, oh what do they want type of feeling even if there is no feelings there.

I know that with my ex, I had no feelings in the end, and I'd still see her name pop up and I'd be like, Oh, it's still released that same what does she want? Yeah? What does she want? It still makes you feel good and be curious at what she was saying in that So I yeah, I think that a lot of people do loose that door open because they do love their.

X reaching out, even if it's like one to two percent, it's just like that tiny little bit open just in case. Okay, Matt, that's all we have time for. The question of the day, do X.

Is come back?

I definitely think they will, But I don't think it's a matter of if or when or how. I think it's a matter of how you handle it and how you go about that X trying to come back into your life when you don't want them to.

Yeah, Okay, that good advice from you. That's all we have time for today.

Bye guys.

Ye