I want the fairy tale. I want the prince charming.
She how do I put this? Isn't a fan of my kissing style.
With a boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours. He's in a trash bin. He's non recyclable catching her mu.
I love being love. I love love.
On today's episode of Where's Your Head At, we are reminiscing over the One that Got Away.
And why sometimes the ending of a situationship can hurt more than a long term relationship.
Stay tuned to find out why your more heartbroken over a three month fling than a five year relationship.
Don't worry, you are not alone.
Where's Your Head At is a podcast that talks all things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.
This is your new go to destination for laughs, gossip, intimate details, advice, and much more. Hey Matt, Hello Anna?
How are you back for a proper episode? Not an interview?
I know, I feel like we haven't done one of these in so long. We've got a good topic to go off.
I am. I had a friend recently who was talking to me about her one that got away, and I feel like everyone has one, even if we don't want to admit it. We all have one. And anyway, she was like talking me through like how she was feeling and all of that, and I had like a similar situation, and I was kind of like comparing notes with her, and I was like, this is such a good topic to talk about because I feel like it's something that
at one point or another we've all like googled. I mean, I have like get over the one that got away. How's your morning. You've rolled in and you've looked a little bit rattled.
Yeah, so it's very hot at the moment. It's a bit of a heat wave in mail Is and I our air con in our room is not working. Well, not it's working, but we had while we were away, we had a mold check, like the bathroom renovated and all this sort of stuff. So they're checking our air con. So they've said don't use it until it's fully like it's fully cleared. So I'm sitting there sweating. Last night and when I was actually asleep, I was had a dream that I was being chased by the police.
Oh my god.
So I don't know what that means. If anyone knows what that.
Means, you looked at us.
No, I haven't, and I don't want to because I think it might be something bad. Yeah, something bad, I feel like it would be. But I felt like I was off season two of prison.
Break, like I was escaping the prison.
Yeah, I was getting chased by the police. So if I'm a bit tire shapes because I've been running all night.
He's been getting running through the streets trying to evade police.
I remember a bit of a dream. A bit of it was I climbed over a backyard fence and then I landed on a tree and hurt myself and I was a limping through.
God, it was terrific.
It was pretty intense.
I wonder you look a bit rad oled. That's like, what if I'd done wrong? For me? They're rocking up to the studio.
I actually have done nothing wrong. I'm not stressing about that, but I'm still who knows? Really these days? What about you? How are you feeling?
I'm feeling good. I've been going to my natural path a lot. I've been kind of like working on my health, so I'm feeling a lot better. My gut health is finally feeling like it's in a good place, which is a big deal for me because you know me, like I've been on antibiotics pretty much every two weeks. Yeah, for the past like six months. Like it's been crazy in between, like UTIs, I had parrot influenza a while back.
I just somehow just keep catching sickness and like also like you know, going into winter, it's a very scary time for me. So I'm like, I need is stay at home. I don't want to get sick. So obviously before winter has hit us, it's kind of been my goal to get my gut health in check. I've been on the probiotics, three biotics parrots.
Are they good for you?
It's fiber, which my so my natural path said, like have fiber before you actually have dinner because then it kind of like into the system. Yeah. What about meta musal metaw mucal is really good? Actually they have actually recommended that to me. And what's it called. What's the actual thing called. It's like celium husk, no helium husk. I think give me if I'm wrong, Guys, if you're sitting at home being like what is she talking about? I'm pretty sure metaw mucil has celium husk in it.
And so basically it kind of like builds like a barrier around your gut. I'm all over gut health, right you are, You've got it.
I just take these vitamins that say they protect your organs, and I'm good. You like, yeah, that's all I do. I heard as well cheer seeds are good for you. They are they almost clean the lining of your guts. Yeah.
Well, I've been having smoothies every morning, which has actually really helped because I was doing like fasting up until about midday. But I would have like three or four coffees because we're in the studio seper early. And yes, I think since having like my morning smoothie, so I have like this gut health powder that is packed with everything. I have cheese, you seeds, I have protein or berries you put in there, blueberries, blueberries, blueberries, gal.
My smoothie is mixed berries, FROZENX berries, frozen bananas, oats, protein.
Remember time freak yogurt. Oh in Greek yoga. I love Greek. That's very good for the guy as well. I have Greek yogurt with some honey at night.
I know that this is in a this isn't a hotline and we're not doing recommendations, but you guys, I'm going to give you have a recommendation here. I recommend we do it all the time at home. Greek yogurt and we dip mission chips that are flavored in there Mission chip. You know, just the corn chips.
The corn chips with Greek yogurt is amazing.
You don't know if that's a thing that well, trust me, guys, try it and let me know how you go. It's instead of sour cream, So it's a healthy alternative to see our cream because I used to.
Okay, I can get around that.
I would used to abuse our cream like i'd finish a tub on my stuff. Yeah, I can eat see our cream out the tub.
Yeah. Well, I make burrito balls and I instead of using sour cream, I will do like a Greek yoga.
Yeah that's the Yeah, that's just changing it over. And trust me, it's so good with the chips.
I can get around that.
Yeah, let me know how you go. That's my recommendation. You guys have a bonus one this week.
Look at you, guys, Lucky that fucking loves the recommendation.
For driving into the studio. I'm always like funk, what's my recommendation this week? Dressing? Like what have I done? And then but when I get here, I get them, don't I?
Yeah, you do? You have some good recommendations.
We like that.
Okay, well we're talking about the one that got away today? Do you have a one that got away? Would you say?
So? We were talking about this when we spoke about the topic, and I I was under the impression that once upon a time I did have got away?
Yeah, and who was that?
It was my ex for my ex like a while ago, from my first X. Yeah, but I was like, no, like you, over time, you realize that like if you had stayed with them, like opportunities, situations, you wouldn't have been able and I wouldn't be the person I am today. Absolutely, I don't know who I would be right now.
We wouldn't be with Jen to start with.
I want to be with Jen. Yeah. I was thinking more like life, like me as an actual person, like who I am, my personality, and that I think I to like leave them. I've matured and grown up and like, you know, seen more of the world, done more things that I know who I am, And yeah, I wouldn't have met Jen I wouldn't have met amazing people along the way as well. Yeah, yeah, what about you? Do
you have someone that got away? I mean at the time, don't get me wrong, Like I sat there and I was like, damn, Like, how am I ever going to come back from this? I've spoken this before on the podcast, So I was like, that was my one, she was made the game, That's my soulmate. But you realize that there's other people out there.
Absolutely, I think I've had like two that got away. Being greedy, can you have two?
The expression no longer is the one that got away, and it's got that got away, the couple that got away?
No, Like, Okay, So I've spoken and obviously we've spoken about all of our relationships on this podcast, but my first relationship, the DJ, the one that we were very on and off, cheated on you seven times, cheated on me seven times. I cheated on me six times in seven days.
He missed the day there.
Yeah I missed a day him. Yeah. I feel like for so long he was my one that got away because he cheated on me. I felt forced to break up with him, but I really didn't want to break up with him, and so it was this thing in my head being like and he would always message me being like, I'm still in love with you, give me another chat, I don't know all the love of my life, And like, obviously I was feeling all of those things at the time, and I was like, why is life
so hard? Why do I have to be a strong woman? And so why am I so stubborn?
A well, you know what I mean?
Yeah, And then like I obviously after him got into a very serious six year relationship, we were living together, and I think, if I'm being really ho with myself, I've probably never admitted this out loud before, but we we are on the podcast. I think throughout that relationship, even though I was extremely happy, extremely content in my relationship, there was a part of me I think that was
kind of like what if. And I really did feel that whole, all encompassing feeling of he was the one that got away whilst in that relationship, even although I was happy, it was just like a niggling thought in the background. And occasionally he would snapchat me and your partner whilst I was in a relationship and would send me like essays being like, yeah, the big egg would kind of like send me messages saying how much he loved me, how he still loves me five years later,
how he regrets what he did. And after I broke up with my partner of six years, on a drunken night out, I did bump into him. We didn't have sex, but we did go home together and we like kissed, and it kind of like it was such a weird feeling, right because for so long I'd put him on this pedestal, being like, yeah, he is the one that got away
from me. And then when I went back to his house that night, when I was single, and like i'd only been single for like three months, but I was single, went back to his house, and all of the sparks kind of came back naturally. Naturally. I guess, if like you really have put someone on a pedestal for that long, it's because there is like.
Yeah, while you're with someone as well.
But I don't think that's rare, no, I think a lot of people probably feel this way. But after that night, like I didn't feel the need to have sex with him, And after that night, it was almost like closure, Like the pedestal that he had been on for so long was finally pulled. Down, and I genuinely remember, and this is so like funny because I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember walking out of his apartment being like, if I never see him again, I'll be okay with it.
Did you No, I've never seen him since, and it was no, no. And I think maybe it was closure for both of us, because like you know, when someone cheats on you and there's all this like emotion and like you both kind of feel like what could have been? But yeah, he was like my one that got away for so long. And then after putting him on this huge pedestal for so long, after seeing him and actually like spending a night with him.
That's sometimes all you need, though, to realize that it's just not what you think it is, and it's.
Like it was a fantasy.
It's like, yeah, your brain almost like telling you that, like, well, you automatically remember all the good bits, so you're probably remembering all the good.
Bits with him, and that's that that's the whole thing as well, right, Like I don't know if you feel this way with your ex that was the one that got away for you, You forget all of the bad stuff and you're like, but they were amazing and they did this and oh remember that time when they did this surprise for me, and you know, all of those like all of the bad shit in the bin, you don't think of it, or one the fact.
That you guys were completely incompatible. You were just like two friends, Like.
This guy cheated on me six times in seven days, and I thought he was the one that got away for seven years? Like what was I thinking? Like that's crazy?
So who was the other guy?
Then?
So you said two, Matt doesn't forget, Yeah, who was the other guy?
So the other guy was this guy that I was seeing for like two months and then.
Oh so you hadn't even.
So it was like a situation ship. Yes, we weren't like I mean, we both said that we weren't really seeing anyone else, but it wasn't like officially, well you know, it's up for debate unless someone tells me like I'm one hundred percent you know, yeah, yeah, But anyway, we were seeing each other for a couple of months. Something happened where there was like conflict and it just never got resolved, like our communication just wasn't good enough to
resolve it. And then it just ended very abruptly. And it kind of just like knocked me for six. It's kind of like when you're like in a situationship and you're in the process of like really falling in love with someone, yeah, and just before you hit that mark for two.
Months, it's probably the right amount of time, yeah feeling.
Yeah, So for me, because of the circumstances around it, I really felt like he was the one that got away until I met Michael.
Okay for that long then yeah really yeah, I mean when you're saying that, I sort of have a feeling about like some girls that like I spoke to for a bit and then it just never eventuated into anything. And I used to joke with my mates being like that's the one that got away, but like like I wouldn't think, like I don't actually think that, do you know what I mean? But like there's a bit of me that's like, what what if like we kept talking or I had like going exclusive, you know what I mean?
Like I think that, but like, noah, nothing serious. But do you think that anyone thinks that you're the one that got away? Except for that DJ dude, Well, I.
Don't think he thinks that. Now. I think that was like our closure, and I think like the whole like the one that got away phenomenon I feel like can be like nipped in the butt when you get closure. I feel like the lack of closure or feeling like you don't have closure can sometimes make you feel that way. But then I always say, if someone goes to that's closure in itself, or like the fact that you guys aren't together should be closure enough.
Sometimes it isn't you need more.
Sometimes you tell yourself it is that you should tell yourself that it is closure.
I reckon that I am. Some girls think I'm the one that got away? Do you Yeah, I've got one in mind, particularly tell me more?
Do you reckon?
I don't know. I jumped into her and she said you were actually such a nice guy, all this sort of stuff.
Was she drunk? Yeah, well, I mean the truth comes out.
And I was just like, oh yeah, yeah, like not giving her much obviously because I've obviously moved on. And she was like, oh, I think she said what could have been? And I was like, well, it hasn't been and it won't be or something.
Did you feel the same way with her? No?
God know, when that ended, I was so happy you were relieved. I was relieved. I was like, thank god, is there anyone.
Else who you reckon you're the one that got away for?
Oh yeah, I reckon there's a couple of girls. But I don't know if if you feel like I'm the one that got away from you, let us know.
No one's letting us know that, mad.
Let us know. We're curious.
I reckon I'm the one that got away for the guy who I was seeing before. Michael. Remember in our first episode of this podcast, I told this story about how I went to the airport.
Oh yeah, god, yeah, Okay, yeah, I think yeah, because you can tell by the way they view your stories. You can just tell when you see their name and your people have view your stories.
One, there's there's so many ways to know if you're the one that got away with someone. I mean, yeah, they still follow you on social media. For one, they keep following you after the breaker. They're not like I mean, I follow a lot of x's to be honest, like just out of like I do. It's just it's like a nonchalant follow like it has no emotion behind it, and I'm just like respectfully following them because at one point we dated.
I find it petty almost to unfollow them. Yeah, I find that as like they probably think, oh, like I've won, you know what I mean, They're unfollowing me for this reason, where like I've muted a bunch of people that oh yeah, I muted so many people because like people are for that reason. I don't want to see them on YouTube. But I don't want unfollow them because I don't want them.
You don't want to be rude.
Yeah, I don't want to be rude. And I'm like they might get that satisfaction of that unfollowed him, because I know if someone unfollows me that I've dated or something, you're like, ah, you care.
One in two ways, maybe they just don't care.
Let's just that's like.
Your face just like completely like drained them, and you were like, what they don't care this concept.
You talk Now, I know they care. I could feel their energy. I know.
What's other reasons that you know that you're like the one that got away with someone. I guess if their friends ask about you, that's a pretty obvious one.
Pretty obvious one. Yeah, they don't get into another serious or long term relationship for a while.
It's an hour to last exits been in a relationship.
Since we're the one that got.
Away from there, I highly doubt it.
I'm sure my accidents hasn't even from what I've heard, hasn't really seen or anything with anyone.
She did remember the lawyer.
Oh you're talking about that one. Who are you talking about before? But yeah, both of them. I'm just everyone. I'm only got away from everyone.
This is not supposed to be an ego. Let's just rein it in. I don't know how people.
If I don't know on the other side of the but I'm just freeding the facts here.
You get drunk text from them is a key sign that you're the one that got away. I don't get drunk texts.
I don't so maybe, but I.
Think we're both in pretty serious. I mean, I'm engaged, so if I was getting drunk texts from someone, I'd be worried for them. They're probably like holding in. I mean, to be fair, when I had those feelings of the one that got away, I never sent a drunk text. I'm going to put that out. Yeah, I think that like drunk texting was like eighteen year old to twenty year old Anna, twenty one year old Anna was like, we are no longer sending drunk texts.
Last year, I don't remember lastime I sent a drunk text like I'm too busy, like talking.
Shit too on this podcast.
Yeah no, when I'm dreaming mynd Yeah to send a drunk text, like you know what I mean. Yeah, they text you happy birthday or congratulate you on like a life achievement.
See again, Yes, you could be the one that got away for them. But like I would respectfully send someone a happy birthday? Would I who was the last ex I send a happy birthday to if.
They were in a relationship.
There's a couple of people who I would now classify as like friends who I would send a happy birthday to. There's others who I mean, it's really hard. I wouldn't know anyone's birthdays. I'm going to put that out.
That's true as well.
It's probably like one or two ex'es that I would remember.
I actually always have trouble remembering the exact date.
When's my birthday?
Yeah, the twenty third, Try again, twenty cloth twenty, it's the twenties. Yeah, it's before.
Out my Instagram handle the twenty first.
Yeah, I thought it was I was going to say the twenty first because it's before an exact day. I remember it's before an'zact day, so I know around about I know around about time.
It's easy because it's everywhere, like I use twenty one for everything.
Yeah, it's true. I just remember it's the roundabout time, the actual day.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Another one is they keep in communication with your family and friends. That's a big one, sliding their way into your life without like actually being in your life. Do you have any exes who still talk to your family or friends? Really, maybe you're the one that got away from it.
They flirt with you now and then as well.
Well, I mean, I don't know how many exes you're seeing, but I mean I'm not seeing any of my exes. I personally wouldn't want to see my exes. I would just prefer not to, but.
You can occasionally bump into them out Melbourne's a very small town.
If I know that one of my exes goes to a certain place, I will go out of my way to not go there. I will avoid it like the plague, because seeing an X for me is just like I just couldn't think of anything worse. Also, they didn't untag or delete photos of you together. Again, I still have photos of all of my exes. If you go down my gram, it's still your life at the end of the day.
You have you archived a grid post of your X Yeah?
Absolutely, I've archived like a few, but I'm not like totally deleted because i feel like it's part of my story almost like just because you're not with someone doesn't mean that you weren't.
I archived the ones that I'm like, but then the cool.
The PDA ones, Yeah, yeah, I archive.
Those ones, but then the ones that I'm like, car, these are cool, like like I've left like launch picks up?
Have you?
Yeah? Well I changed the description.
Oh did you.
Haven't you seen that? So you say your love heart and the artsis tombstone.
Fuck you are savage, And that's actually so funny, man, I actually think that we should all do that.
Yeah. Literally, the launch.
It's like knife forever in a day. Forever isn't long enough, my one and only, And that's like put like a tombstone rip rip to our relationship.
I'm funny like that. Well, I had something else? What was the other one I had? Years ago? I did another one and I did something funny, but I can't remember. Oh I had I left this up because I looked good.
I mean, only you would actually do that. So it doesn't surprise me that that to And the last one is that they find reasons to bump into you. Luckily I haven't had this happen.
Yeah, same, Really, I don't think there's any reason to bump into me.
With's the one that got Away. Let's talk more after the break, Okay, So do you know what's actually funny is you know that song, the one that Got Away by Katie Perry.
I'm not familiar.
With it, you know, like the one My God, I don't want to see in the microphone, I don't want to like burn everyone's ear canals.
It's actually funny that because I actually searched the one that Got Away in podcast listen on the way in and it was and this is just funny how the world works. It was about people escaping from prison. Yeah, I saw that and I was like, my dream last night this. Oh yeah, I was like, what's going you know what I mean?
Yeah, that's weird, it's weird.
And then I did read this script before I went to bed.
Interesting, you know, something actually really freaky happened to me the other day. I was at my parents' house and I made a coffee and like, you know, coffee banging for his coffee, and like it was a concrete bench and a cup and I was like in the house alone and the cup knocked over, Like how can that happen?
Are we going into ghost stories because I can tell you some serious ones.
No, we'll do another episode on stories, but I just had to tell you haunted. I think my parents' house is haunted. After that, the ghost of like my grandparents could be alive, and well, I looked at I looked it up what it meant, and it said that a coffee cup knocking over by itself means it's something really good is coming. So I was like, oh, okay, thanks grandparents. That's just knocked out for his coffee.
Car That wasn't me.
Spirit has to do it. You can't. You can't that. Okay, Let's get back to the topic, which is the one that got away. So normally when you have this feeling of the one that got away, it's when you've been seeing someone for about six to eight months, and usually that's because you're still in the honeymoon vase, So you put them on this huge pedestal, you fantasize about what could have been. And there's normally two things that can happen.
So the first is you guys sort of knew each other socially, fell to spark, and then they didn't follow through with the relationship, which leaves you obviously heartbroken and wanting more, wanting more, wondering what if.
They've taken that dok mean serotonin hit away from you.
They gave it all to you and then they ripped it away. The next one is when the relationship has actually kind of started, there's some traction, but there's a disconnect or a misunderstanding, something wasn't resolved and it ended very abruptly, and you're kind of sideswiped by something else. So can you relate to either of those kind of circumstances?
I would say the second one, but not how long did they give again? Eight? Six? Eight months?
They said normally it can be six to eight months, But obviously there's exceptions to every kind of rule.
When I think about that, I think about one that's been going for like two years nearly, and you're just so complacent and then maybe they just go you know what I mean, and they just go nut, they just wake up one day.
And maybe that's a boy thing. Maybe that's a boy thing of not putting in enough effort, which I feel like many men are guilty of. And then in hindsight you have regrets.
Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, so then they just get swept the rug essentially get swept out from under you. Yeah, and you're just like, well, where did that happen?
See? For me, as a girl, relationships like proper relationships, it's less likely to happen because when you're in a proper relationship with someone, you can see their negative traits, so you can be like, they're not missed a perfect anymore, which I once like in the honeymoon phase, you put them on this amazing pedestal. You think that their shit don't stick.
You're like, literally, mine doesn't.
I don't know why you continue to say that. It's so bizarre.
The doors opened.
You just anyway, and like you just think that they're amazing, right, I agree.
And then over time you realize things and then and.
Then it's easier to let the relationship go because you could.
Be like, well, then what happens when you're on the other end and you don't see that happening and you're not thinking that way. That's what I'm saying.
What do you mean, so.
Like you, you're not thinking, oh, you're seeing all those faults because you're sort of just slack.
You're putting in minimal effort. Oh yeah, they're probably doing everything for you.
Fuck when did this become so personal?
I'm not taking personally. I'm just saying exactly what I'm thinking. If you're taking it personally, and that's a problem.
I forget I said anything, but you know what I mean. And then you're focusing on like your job, you're like your careers and all that sort of stuff, and you're you're not really focusing so much in the relationship, which happens, and then they just wake up one day and go nah and pull the rug and you're.
Like, oh, yeah, wait what Yeah?
I think that's that's why I'd find it the hardest to move on sort of thing.
One hundred percent, because I guess, like, you didn't make them a priority, and the fact that you didn't do that, then you think, well, what if I did make them a priority? And that's where that what.
If kind of like, I agree, that's exactly.
I think that imagination kind of can drive you wild and takes you away to a place where you're like regret. Regret, Yeah, the regret. Well, it's the concept of hindsight, right, It's like, what could I have done? Could we have spent the rest of our lives together?
Hindsight is a beautiful thing, isn't it?
But is it just a grass is greener mentality? Is the question that I have for you.
I don't believe the grass is greener on the other side. I believe it's greener where you water it.
I know you do say that, and I do. That's throwing up some gangster SI right now.
Yeah, I reckon that.
I'm a little bit worried.
That's literally that saying I reckon that because I was, for a strong period of my life always believes that the grass is greener on the other side. You know what I mean. I'd be if we're talking about relationships, I'd be with someone when my younger here is like sixteen to eighteen, and I'd be like, fuck, all my mates are single. I want to be single. I want to be with them. And then like you end the relationship and I would just cry for ages wanting to be with.
That, but that's because you can't be single.
But do you know what I mean? Like yeah, and I'd be like, well, I want to be back with them, And then I took I don't know, a couple of years ago. I sort of like sort of had the mentality of like, I'm going to actively in my mind the grass is and greener on the other side, Like it's not better to be on the other side. You've got to work on what you are.
Certainly better for you, that's for sure. I look, I'm going to say something I think that I know for your one that got away, then you've had all of these like what ifs, regrets, whatever, But if that person was right for you, you would have prioritized it.
That's what I said from the start. Yeah, once you realize that they're not your one, they're not the one that got away, it's just that initial stage where it might be what year, a year, and that where you think, oh, I've I've done this differently, if I've done that, But then you realize, yeah, they weren't your priority at the time for a reason.
But then another little sorry to play Devil's advocate. But could it just be a timing issue, like you weren't ready, you were too young, both parties couldn't commit properly at the time.
Good, good call. But I believe that in time now I realized that, like maybe it was just timing. Maybe it wasn't. But I don't think that. I don't know. I don't know. I'm happy with there I'm at. So it's kind of weird to think down that way, if timing or if things are being different, because in a way, I don't think so. I think that like they're living their life and you're living your life, and I don't think those lives link up. Yeah at all? What about you? I don't think they link up.
It's interesting because I've seen this thing on my TikTok algorithm recently, and it's about how men marry the woman who's in front of him when he's ready. Does that make sense? Yeah, So guys, when they become ready and get into the mindset, okay, I want to get married, start a family, travel or whatever their life goals are, that's the person who they marry, the woman who's in front of them at the time. Think they can make it work.
It sounds like it's so like I'm ready, let's pick her.
It's a thing on my algorithm that I watched once and now I'm getting a million of these videos. You know how the algorithm work. But like people seem to really relate and resonate with this.
I can see what you mean. What would girls do then? Though they always are thinking about it, they're always ready?
No, why do you think girls are always ready? No? I think it's like, I think timing is such an important factor on deciding who you end up with one hundred percent, because I think like when the timing is right and you meet someone who's like ready as well, then you kind of like align and your life goals aligne and you start to kind of like plan out
the future. Whereas like, for instance, when I was in my six year relationship, we were kind of just like in a relationship, like nothing really happened.
We moved in together, buying saving for a house. Did you have the same goals?
Like he was a builder, so he was building a house and we were going to move into it, but like, well that's.
Brutal, And then you broke up with him and he built the house for you too.
Don't make me feel bad? Has such discussion.
Does he still have that house?
I don't know. I haven't spoken to him in a hot minute.
But he has a sausage dog, doesn't it?
I think? So cool? Dude, Matt wants to make friends with my egg.
Just to play with the goods. No, but I know what you mean that if they're not on the same journey with you, then the timing's not right.
Yeah, okay, Matt, Let's talk about why situationships hurt more than a real breakup sometimes.
Next, why does it feel like sometimes when we end a situationship it can hurt more than like a long term breakup.
It's such a hard one, right, because I've definitely had situationships that have ended hurt more than long term relationships. And I know I'm definitely not the only one in this boat. And I think it's just because it triggers those feelings of like what could have been? You know what I mean, Like what if I was.
I've been trying to think about a situationship that's ended that I've been distraught about, and I can't really think of one, think of one like I can't. I'm trying to think I don't think this sounds pretty bad, but it is the truth. I don't think I've fully invested in a situation where I'm.
Like, oh, but then, how do you get to a point of being in a relationship?
Then well, I guess just you keep hanging out, and I think it hasn't gotten to the point where like.
Or so, you've never got to a point where you've like thought it was turning into a relationship and then didn't.
Actually, I lie. That was probably one girl when I was younger. She used to make my coffees all the time. We hung out a fair.
Bit and I was like, oh, okay, she was a barista.
Yeah, she was my own barrista who made my coffees. And there again right and I was like, oh yeah, cool chick, Like see where this goes. So I spoke for like five months or something, hung out, and I think this was probably this first and last person that I realized like, don't go two balls to the wall because they might not be do you know what I mean? So I was pretty into it, and then she wasn't.
She met some other guy and my mates were making out at the local, and then I sort of took a step back and I was like, okay, well we're not exclusive, so fair enough. But I was sort of like respecting that line. And then it just sort of fizzled out from that. I was sort of not upset. I was like, no more free coffees. That sucks.
How is your feelings? Feeling that it was to the side.
I was upset, But it was a time in my life where like it was like thank you next sort of thing, like well, who, Like I was young, I was twenty one twenty two, right, so young. Yes, it was sort of like who's who's Like, you know who's there?
Like and you next on the rotation?
Who's next? Once you're going out all the time you're meeting new people, I was like who I And then funnily enough, another situationship actually arose not shortly after, just through sheer, like just you know, you're meeting people all the time, single.
So you reckon it. Like twenty one you kind of got taught the lesson of like, don't invest until you know there are one hundred.
Percent Yeah, twenty two around the great.
Time to learn it.
Yeah, exactly.
I wish I got some of that. Could have done with a couple of those lessons.
I mean, but I'm sure along the way, i've sort of, like with Black Spoken, I've been like, oh, I like this one, but then I don't have I ever been Have you seen me distraught every situationship ending?
Not really, if I think about it.
I've sort of just always been like, oh, yeah, well it's not meant to be.
I mean, you kind of if you're single, you would probably be talking to a couple of people. So if one fucks you off, you're replacing pretty quickly. She's a bit toxic of you, but I will but also not really because you're single, like you can date around like and the thing is when you meet someone. Thent's talk about Jen. You met Jen and you were all in
from date one. Yeah, so like what happens if after like six dates, when you put her on that massive pedestal, if she was like, I'm not ready, how would that have felt? Or were you still not all in?
I guess we'll never know, No, I I was.
I think maybe you've just been lucky that you've never been all in and someone's pulled out. Yeah, maybe I've been there in a fucking sacks.
It's actually a good point because I just think I think there was a lot about that though. That was like it was six years of chatting on and off. It was that like do you know what I mean, we sort of got like when we got to the point, it was like, oh, here we go, Like, yeah, this has been a long time coming.
I mean there was moved a blessed life to never experience that type of pain because, let me tell you, fucking suck. Oh. Like I remember when my situationship ended, I reckon. I cried in bed for a week for
a situation over a situation ship. I took it harder than a long term relationship breakup, definitely, because in a long term relationship breakup, if you're breaking up with them, then you're kind of like, okay, these are the reasons why, Like I want to be single, and like I want to do this with my life, and like you have all you have all the reasons. You've justified it, right, And I feel it's still sad, but you've justified it.
I feel like by the time you break up with them and you've done the seven things of grieving as well, if you're the one pulling the trigger, you've done like the I don't know what they are off the top of my head, but you know what I mean? And then yeah, come to acceptance.
Yeah yeah, yeah absolutely. Whereas like when it gets swept from under your feet, it's like it's almost like it kind of gives you that feeling of like, well, it hurts your ego firstly, right, Like your ego takes a big hit when someone says I don't want you, because you're like, what have I done wrong? Is there something I could have done better? Was I bad in bed? Am I too fat? Like? What is it about me that makes you not so appreciate me the way I appreciate you?
I just clicked. Then Jen was telling me a story on the way last night, we're in the car about her friend at work had been in a situationship with this guy for five fucking How do I forget this for five? It was probably because I was holding down a barm me in while she was telling me. I was focused on that, Yeah, that this girl at work had been seeing this guy for five months and he literally they'd been hanging out all week, going on dates.
He'd be cooking her dinners, all this sort of stuff, and he literally told her on the weekend that he's not interested in taking this any further and she's heart broken about it. She's like, I really failed for this guy. I was starting to like him. And yeah, Jen was like confined.
What's the word she was confiding in gen Yeah.
And was comforting her at work.
It's because you just don't see it coming.
Well, this is the girl that I went. When I went and got drinks with her and her work friends, she was telling me about the situation. I said, he's not into you. And this was in December. I knew straight away. I was like, he doesn't. He's not into you.
That's all you've given me, those hard truths.
And yeah, Well Jen cracked it at me for telling her friends that. She's like, you shouldn't say that, and I was like, I was just helping her.
Out, you know what. I always stand by this. The truth hurts, but people should hear it. Yeah, Like, why have your feelings run away with themselves and prolong something that's already coming, Like if something's not going to work out, I would prefer to know at the two month mark over the five month mark, all day, every day.
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never love it? All?
But feelings at two months compared to five months are very different. At five months, you're getting comfortable. You're like basically living at each other's places.
Like when you fixed up that baby name list on.
You've got the agreed. I'm the one that's going.
Ahead the photo shopped her a wedding photo.
But it's so hard with situationships because you lose something that was never yours to lose.
Yeah. I've had that thrown in my face a couple of times, not with relationships, but with like opportunities and that, and people have said, well, you didn't get it, like you were just in the running for it, and I'm like, yeah, still it sucks because you've pictured yourself. Yeah you know what I mean in that position.
You picture yourself at the end of the aisle.
Yeah, well not yeah so much, but you know, like opportunities of yeah, well that's what we're talking about relationship, but in the opportunities you like you picture yourself in that that job role or that role. Yeah, it's been taken away from you.
And the thing is as well, you go from all to nothing. So like I guess, like situationships are very spontaneous. It's like nothing's defined, so it's exciting, And I guess you can quickly go from speaking every day to being unfollowed, to being ghosted to being blocked. Like you know, it's just it's a real whirlwind and it really does take you on a spin.
Yes, you can spiral very quickly when that happens to you.
Yeah, And I guess like with relationships, you know, there's disagreements that you can be like, oh, well, like he was a bit of a fuck with and like you know, you have all of these, like your list of negatives about them, Whereas with situationships, it's honeymoon phase. And that's I think that's why we feel so deeply when we do feel that rejection.
And you also want to know, like there's a natural desire of why they didn't choose you, like what went wrong? Like you said before, it could be what is it? Something wrong with me where? And the end of the day could just be that you guys weren't compatible when they saw that and the timing was off for them.
Yeah, I think as well, our attachment styles have a lot to do with it, don't you, reckon?
Yeah, So like if you and me our attachment styles struggle, don't they?
Yeah, Well, like unless you're Unless you're a secure attachment, you can find it really fucking hard if someone turns around and says, sorry, this isn't working out for me. Unless you're secure within yourself. It's tricky because then you
start to think, like, what's wrong with me? You know, we're all terrified of being abandoned, and all of these attachment styles are kind of developed because of abandonment issues or things that have happened in our past, and like when you actually actually get abandoned, then you're like, whoa, this is a lot everything. All of my worries and anxieties have been reaffirmed by what this person has just done to me.
Yeah, I agree. It definitely plays on your insecurities and makes you question if you are attractive, worthy, or desirable to the other.
Things, Like I reckon when situationships have ended for me, I've never felt more insecure, Like I was like I need to go want and diet, I need to like anything. I need to dye my hair blonder like all of these things, which is so silly and like in hindsight, I'm like, oh my god, Anna, you're so stupid. Like, but if you don't have the confidence in yourself, or like your ego takes a hit, you really do start
questioning yourself. And when I look at younger me and like, I feel bad for her because I questioned myself so much, so much. I don't know if you felt this way, because you've got more confidence than anyone I know. But I make surely, surely you've questioned yourself.
I question things I've done, not myself.
What about when I didn't reply to your date request? Did you question yourself? Will be like not next?
I'm sure like the next girl replied, or the one before I said.
That message is one of twenty?
Sure? What is that? What's the expression? If you if you throw enough lines out, one's going to take a one's gonna take the bait.
Well, maybe that's the difference between girls and guys. Like I will talk to like one guy and if like I get rejected, then I take it more personally. Whereas if you're talking to like ten girls and throwing the same line out and you're getting two replies, you're still feeling like.
Good young single man. You do that? Wrong with that?
No, there's nothing wrong with it. But I'm just saying, like, if you're talking to one person, as opposed to like ten, of course, the odds definitely mine.
Yeah, it's a numbers game, the odds.
Okay, let's jump into our listener questions, shall we?
Okay, guys, so this is where we ask you to ask us where our heads are at.
Okay, So Cherry has written into the podcast and she has asked, I always get stuck on my last situationship, or date and cannot move on until I meet the next person. Why do I get so infatuated with people?
Cherry? I think that you feel hard.
Maybe I can relate to this.
Yeah, So why do you think Cherry does this?
Well? I guess she's kind of putting her self worth on like the date that she's been on, Like, are they nice to me? Does that mean that I'm worthy? So? I mean, there's nothing really wrong with like, in my opinion, you know how I feel about this, get under to get over, even if it just means going on another date to get over Essentially.
How shit would that date be if they just suck and you're trying to get over someone and you're thinking about someone the whole time.
Yeah, I think it's pretty normal to feel that way, especially if you're kind of like out there really wanting like a relationship, and you can't seem to find one, So then maybe you put like quite a lot of expectations and pressure. Maybe our advice to Terry is just to take the pressure off and kind of just go into each date with like a really open mind, have fun, but don't get to like invested and invested like.
And what do we always let them come to you?
Don't, you know, chase them?
What do we always say? Don't worry if they like you, worry if you like them.
Love that?
Okay? The next one comes from Martin. Is it true that to get over someone, Oh, here we go, you have to get under someone else, or at least take someone else.
Yes, I disagree, But when the last time you were getting over a relationship and you weren't getting under people, I mean, let's get right.
But that's so I know from experience that it doesn't work.
But you still do it.
Yeah, well yeah, you do it, but I reckon it makes you feel more shitty, like you just get with people, like like I said on that episode, Like I said, when we've spoke about this before, like sex to me comes easy, you know, like I don't like, it's comes in it comes into my life. So it's not like I'm feeling anything. I'm briefly feeling a void and then they're gone, you know what I mean, Like and then you're left even lonelier and emptier.
Metaphorically, I disagree with that. I feel like getting under actually relieves some of the loneliness I think the over one night, yeah, as opposed to being alone the whole time.
But then, like how I think about it is, so it's.
Not like I'm having one night sense. I'm talking about like going on dates, meeting people, like not trying to find a spark with someone else. That's trying to remind myself that there's other people out there, there's other fish in the sea.
Yeah I can see that.
I'm not going to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs.
Yeah I can see that. But like I think that if you've broken up with someone and you truly are heartbroken by it, I think that like mending your heart and like spending some time by yourself and acknowledging your feelings and sitting them and like you know, holding space for them, as we say, and then knowing how you feel, and then when you come to a point of moving on then healthy and ready to move on. Look, I just know that when I've like got gotten under to
get over. Let's hypothetically say, right, so, you pick someone up, you're vibing with them all night, you go home, you sleep with them, you leave their house or they leave your house. But then, like you know what I mean, like you send them a message. You're in your head about sending them a message. When do you talk to him next? What's the next step? Do you know what I mean?
Getting jumping back on the bed.
Yeah, but if you're not ready, you're not in a healed, good mental space to do that. I can also be spiraling and be more detrimental to you.
Look, I definitely get what you're saying. But I will say that after my last relationship, I was very upset, and then I hooked up with someone who I had hooked up with in the past, and it reminded me that there was other people out there, people that I liked, and even although me and that person weren't going to get back together, it kind of just made me feel calm,
like I didn't feel like time was running out. It felt like when when I was in a breakup mentality, I felt like it was like a ticking time bomb. I was like, you know, it's just that stressful, anxious feeling. And I feel like getting under kind of broke that cycle for me, and then I could kind of move into doing those more healthy things. I started going to the gym, I started taking care of my mental health.
I started really like focusing on me and like, yes, I wasn't ready for a new relationship, but I still wanted to experience single life because also, I feel like single life doesn't last that long in the scheme of things, Like if you think about it, for the majority of my life past eighteen, I've been in relationship. So single single life is short and sharp, like it's here and there. It's not like a constant. Being in a relationship is more of a constant from me. And I think you're the same.
I think I am. I'll have to do some numbers, but the same. Yeah, I'll talking about that, but I hear what you're saying, and look, all I'm going to leave it on is if you're not over that person, and then you go and you get back into that scene too quickly and you're sleeping with someone and then you're like fuck, what's going on. And then you're already you're you're not healed, so like the heal, the wounds
haven't healed from the previous thing. Yeah, you're making more wounds, more stress for yourself opening up the other ones by like dating too quickly.
Yeah, definitely don't date too quickly.
Reason like, yeah, I did you know my opinion from experience, I just don't think it works, but you do. So we're on two different things with that.
That you're actually like you're rolling around celibate. You're not rolling around celibate, like you're not getting over people, but you're still not being celibate. So, I mean, there's a happy medium in between what we're saying. I know you do exactly what I'm saying, but you get but you're just not getting over this.
I'm not getting over it. Remember like my last one.
I know, you're like, it's not like you're sitting in your bedroom with a chastity. You're making this Saint's.
Like Hail Mary's and all that. You literally said.
To me, that's going to church on the weekends instead of going to the club. Trust me, guys, it's not happening.
It's not happening. But you literally said to me what you're doing is not working. And I was like, you're.
Right, Yeah, that's true, But I mean.
It wasn't working for me. It just wasn't. I wasn't I wasn't happy within myself.
I think what you would do would have worked for anyone, to be honest.
Yeah, true, a lot of not good not good? Oh mad, all right, you go, let's go on to the next one.
That's like, let's move on from that. Okay. So Jordan says, my ex keeps telling me that I am the one that got away, and this makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable as I don't feel the same. How do I get him to know that he needs to move on?
Two points Jordan telling him be honest with him, tell him that your communication, Yeah, tell him you don't feel the same way. Yeah, I think you've got to be cruel to be kind, yeah, or else he doesn't seem like he's ever going to move on.
Do you know what the hard thing is? As I feel like secretly every single person on the planet loves to hear from the X because it's like, ha, yes, you still care about me.
Yeah, And I think Jordan's actually like loving the messages and loves.
Hearing don't come and Jordans.
That I think she's in Yeah, sorry, Jordan, love you, thanks for listening, thanks for the message, appreciate you. But I think that you've you're as much to blame here as much like he needs to move on. You need to tell him to you and you need to block him off.
Yeah, you just have to be super clear, because the thing is is if you have an ex who's reaching out and you're not setting clear boundaries, then it's kind of unfortunately, as like hard as it is to say, you're kind of giving them a little bit of false hope by kind of maybe replying or you know, I guess like the whole feeling guilty and uncomfortable, like she doesn't want to hurt her ex's feelings, which is totally understandable. But at the same time, you have to be cruel to be kind, right.
And what do I say? The two strongest emotions for humans are hope and fear, And he's got hope right now, so you need to lost you, yeah, and getting to move on or else he's not going to and you're going to be stuck in this vicious circle that you're in okay, Matt.
That's all we have time for.
Thank you for joining us. Guys. It was a good one.
Yeah, I hope you've enjoyed it. Make sure you check out all of our socials, our Facebook page. Let's have more of a conversation about this episode there and until next time, Bye bye.