SUPPORTING YOUR FRIENDS THROUGH HARD TIMES

I can't go on the sauna because I'm pregnant, and I.

Can can't go on the sauna if you're pregnant, Matt, Thank god, I'm never getting pregnant.

Where's Your Head At?

Is a podcast that talks full things right, Hold on a sec, let's give this a refresh.

Hi, I'm Anna and.

I'm Matt, and we are now too newlywed not to each other. Just a female and male best friend here for the good, the bad, and the ugly times and.

Exploring adulthood, family relationships, dilemmas.

And whatever else we have the mental capacity to deal with.

Come get the lowdown.

This is your male and female perspective.

So, Matt, where's your head At?

Morning? Anna?

Good morning? How are you today?

What the best? Well? I'm good, but I burnt my tongue. You know when you're burn your tongue. I took a sip of my green tea on the way in. I normally top it up with a little bit of cold water, but I don't know. I was feeling ambitious today and it was still hot. By the time I got to the studio, it was still boiling hot. It took a sip and it burned.

My tiping hard.

Yeah, I love my herbal teas though, you know me.

Yeah, I'm getting back on the herbal teas now. I've actually just come from the hospital straight to the Novas studios to record this thank you. I would like around or clause.

She does it for everyone, she does it for you.

So long story short, I have been really low in iron and my ob gave me two weeks to get it up. I was taking supplements and they just weren't agreeing with me.

And did you eat?

I ate a lot of steak.

So the supplements didn't work. They were making me feel nauseous. So I was like, Okay, I'm gonna get all of my iron from food.

So I was eating.

Spinach, steak, beef, pork, everything, and yeah, it still went down. So this morning I went into the hospital and had an iron transfusion. I was completely fine about it.

So iron transfusion, Yes, what does that look like? Are they sticking iron into your veins?

Yeah?

So basically what they do is they put a drip into my hand with just salt water because they have to get the vein right because this iron, which I didn't know any of this until this morning, So I had a little anxiety attack when they told me this. So they put the needle into the hand and then they put salty water through your veins to make sure it's actually getting into the veins and not going into the skin. If this needle goes into the skin, it

I do find that quite ikey, Yeah, that's a.

Nick an it is it's one of my eggs. Like if t is not it and sometimes look as someone who is a tanner. It is hard to be one hundred percent all the time. I looking good, But there's tricks I used to can do when you used to turn these tann every day.

Wow. No, but I used to do the full body loose ones when I had wrestle, so i'd come up tanned. One of my exes said, you do that with your knuckles. Yeah, rub the midst of my knuckle was like that.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mit tan though, because it can look a bit.

Gloves. She used to like latex gloves. Yeah, yes, never to face either.

Yeah, no goldie beer. Anyway, after I had it down this morning, I looked up what it would look like if you got the iron staining on your hands, and it literally, I could you know. It just looks like bad fake tan hands. And I was like, oh my god, that is literally. If I would have seen that before, I would have said.

Don't worry about it. I'm not doing it.

What is the eye? Is it in someone's blood? You didn't make me think it was in someone's blood. They give you a blood transfusion.

I thought it was a blood transfusion, but it's actually not. So they have this like dark purple. It does look like blood, but it's not. It's like a dark, purply red bag of medicine.

And yeah, they just.

I guess put it through intravenously, so through the drip plus five hundred dollars. I do have private health insurance as well, so I don't know what that covered, but I had a five hundred dollars excess. And I actually so the reason why you get it is because when you're pregnant, the baby just takes so much of it sacrifice, the sacrifice, it takes all of them. He takes all

When do they reckon it starts to kick in.

Well that's what I was gonna say.

I literally thought I was going to be hop skipping and jumping out of there with like the most energy.

But apparently process it, your body would have to break it down.

Well, some of us aren't that smart. Mat Apparently it takes two weeks.

Well, you can going straight into your veins that it would hit it like, not two weeks, it would be like a couple of days.

Apparently two weeks.

If you jog or anything and you go on the sauna, get your blood flowing, would help it.

I can't go on the sauna because I'm pregnant, and I.

Can't go on the sauna if you're pregnant. Thank god, I'm never getting pregnant.

It's like your one true love this song.

Did you fill in the form that, like in that sense where you have to answer the questions? It was like something you can't live without. What do you say for star? Star sign?

My star sign?

Taurist I said, superstar?

Oh my god?

Did you get that?

The dad jokes are coming in hard and far?

It was pretty all right? Well Anna, yes, have you heard about the IKEA Challenge?

No?

Okay, So it's apparently it's a test for relationships. You know, we like to bring up theories on this podcast. I actually saw it in episode of thirty Rock I've been watching that I've mentioned. It's a show that Tina Fey wrote. She stars co stars alongside Alec Baldwin. Right, and it's They've got a show on NBC so it's she's written it from her time writing on SNL and it's sort of like mimic out. They have like a live show

We love it? I love Ikia.

Well, then you're gonna you're gonna survive the test of time. Apparently, when a relationship goes there, it puts you onder turmoil because you can't decide what you want what you get. It's all like intense, like you know, you're walking around looking at different stuff, like you might realize that you like this design or something they like something else, and you know how it's just amazed and you can't get out anyway and you've got to go through the whole thing.

You're making it sound really anxious, but that's not how I view it like that.

I like literally, if we're going to Ikea, I'm excited.

I'm like, we're.

Going on a road trip to Ikea. We get there, we spend like an hour or so just browsing, looking around, having fun. Then I'm heading to the meatball section.

Meat poles get me every time. I'd love it. Let's not get onto the meatballs because I'm starving as it is, and.

I love it.

Like, I'd love to go to Ikea right now, get the Nash meatballs Cranberry Source Delicious.

Well, I've never been to Ikea with Tammy. I've been with X's before.

Yeah, did you have fights?

I with that far now? We thought a lot. I don't remember an actual fight about anythink we probably did. I reckon.

I mean, when you're always fighting, it's hard to really pinpoint like.

What the actual argument was about. Yeah, but then they say, if you survive Ikea, say you decide and you go through Ikea and you decide what you want the furniture. The second test comes when you bring that flat pack home.

Yeah, that's where I would have the issues, right the issue?

But are you a flat packer?

No, I'm an air what is it called air tasker type of gal and I've only learned that through mistakes of trying with Michael to do flat packs.

You didn't have about Jermin argument about is Michael Michael handyman?

You know what, Once upon a time I feel so bad. Once upon a time I did stay to him, you're not that handy, And those were my dying words.

Because he has improved himself ever since. He's pretty handy.

Now.

I am not a handy man. I never claimed to be, and I never will try and prove myself to be one.

But you do have the air task.

Yeah, I do have the air task. Tammy said to me, You're not handy at all, and I said, no, I'm fucking not. Like I don't want to be. I don't try and reverse psy colleage me. Don't bake me. I'm not a handy man. I don't want to be. I've put together a flat pack one time at one of my houses, and I screwed in final thing to do. You got pressed down on it, you go probably pressed

Do you know what the funniest thing about people trying to do a flat pack is when they get the instructions and they say two things. The first thing they'll say is there's a piece missing, and the second thing they'll say is these instructions aren't right.

And I'm like, no, here we go.

You have an extra screw or something at the end, and You're like, where does this go? They don't give you spares.

Yeah, they don't give you ses.

I once I remember it was with the next and we went to IK and came back and I put up a photo of her putting together the flat pack, and I was watching the wrestling in the background.

What you let her put it up?

I'm not a handyman. I don't claim to do it. She didn't want to get a task, she wanted to do it herself. I'm not going to argue with anything.

I didn't want to lend a hand.

I held stuff for I handed her the screwdriver. I don't claim to IoT.

You're watching the wrestling, so I didn't think you were handing stuff.

She asked HI for something, I would give her something I got fucking rinsed.

Yeah, I'm never looking like doing that.

Like I don't. I don't want to do it. I don't claim to want to do it. I don't admit it. But that's it. So if anyone has gone.

To it, it's so funny, Like there's two types of people.

Like there's you.

Someone just would say you're not a handy man, and you go, that's exactly right, I'm not and you just put zero effort into every try. And then there's Michael and I said it once and he's like trying to prove himself ever since.

Have you have you heard of the expression weaponizing incompetency.

I haven't heard of that expression.

That's very toxic.

Okay, we'll explain it to us.

Weaponizing incompetency means where it's.

Say a partner is shit at something.

Yeah, it's when a partner or a friend, a housemate, someone asks you to do something and you do it terribly, so they never ask you to do it again.

Yeah, I've seen stuff that men do this with cooking.

I'm just bad at cooking.

I'm not you're also doing that.

No, I don't weaponizing competition. I think something that would be like weaponizing comp tea would be like they asked you to make a cup of tea and I did. I would make when I lived at home, when I was like a teenager, if I was to make someone a cup of tea, or when i'd stay at my mum's, I would make them bad on purpose for everyone because I didn't want to do it. And you're admitting, say, I make a terrible cup of tea and also not even on purpose.

It's so mean, not even on.

Purpose, sometimes with a cup of tea as well, coming from a household that drinks a lot of cup of tea. I don't like judging people's milk like milk rasio, milk ratio. I think that's a thing that you need to do yourself.

I think that you should say what do you want your milk ratio to be?

Like do you want it?

Or even better, give them a saucer with milk and they can pour it in.

It's well, I mean, if you want to be bougie, I can't believe you just admitted to making people bad cups of tea.

That is so toxic. It's so mean.

I also do think like how you go like, oh, I can't cook. I think that is such a cop out. Like you're almost thirty. You can put a pan on a stove, put oil in salt, a piece of steak.

I do that.

Okay, well you can care. You can do that.

But I'm just saying I'm not going to put together.

You could put together a few meals by twenty nine years of age, yeah, I could.

I could cook a past I really wanted to do. I want to cook.

Okay, So there's a difference between because you said you can't cook, there's a difference between I can't cook and I don't want to cook. I think it's like laziness rather than an incomfidence.

How easy is it to throw just to shit, like a food microwavable food in the microwave.

It's just not fresh, fresh ingredients. Mat you should know.

I love a steak.

Fresh ingredients over microwaveable.

I'd like to ask everyone on our socials if they have done that Ikea challenge or they unwillingly did the Ikea challenge and they went to Ikea with their partner and they realized that that wasn't the one for them.

And you know the thing is, some things you don't actually need to build ika. You can get some plants, you can get some cutlery, you can get some plates.

Yes, but they might not agree on the plates and the patterns that you want. The plants.

Well, I mean, yeah sure. If anything, this Ikea challenge has just made me want to go to Ikea even more.

Yeah, I'd love a meatball.

I'd love some meatballs and mashed potato. Okay, Matt. Today we are talking about supporting your friends during hard times. I've had a few friends recently that have been going through some things. There was a death in a family is common, but it's also extremely sad, Like.

I have a friend that goes through it.

Yeah, and like I think it's it's quite like when it's an immediate family member, it's really hard to navigate, like what do I do? Like do I send them flowers? Or how can I be there to support them? And I think, especially at this age, you know, I'm thirty two, now you're twenty nine, we don't see our friends as much.

Week before my wedding, it was going to rain. And apparently in old wives tell as you go the night before to the venue and you bury sausages, we're all sausages.

Stuff that I've never heard that before.

Apparently did you do that? No, we didn't. In the end, we can forget. When we were at the shops, but Tammy was talking about doing that.

Yeah, that's so funny.

Can go a snaging bread?

Yeah, And I think you're making me hungry by talking about food so much.

And I think, look, when it comes to supporting your friends, there's obviously different degrees of people needing support. Like you know a friend who is dealing with a boss that's really difficult, you know, whatever the scenario it might be. I think it's good to support your friends. So we have a list of things that you guys can do when friends are going through hard times, whether that be a death, whether that be something that maybe to you isn't a big deal but to them is.

So let's get into.

It, Okay. So the first one is be there for them emotionally, so actively listen to them.

Yeah.

So a study of fourteen hundred participants actually found that social support was found to reduce the risk of depression by fifty percent.

I agree.

So, particularly friends providing that type of emotional support. So that's that's some big numbers there.

Imagine not leaning on a friend for emotional support and social support when you're going through a tough time.

That it just it makes your life so much easier, and it just.

Really feeling isolated and you couldn't talk to it.

Yeah.

And I think sometimes as well, people.

Get it in their heads that they don't want to burden other people with their problems, or they want to keep it in because they don't want people to know, because sometimes people want to look like they have a picture of perfect life and they don't want to show any level of weakness.

But I really do think there's power. There's power in doing it.

And I think talking out things that are kind of going over and over in your head is really powerful and it can kind of help you collate those thoughts and understand what you're actually thinking and how you're actually feeling, and getting some advice as well and taking that on board.

What about offering practical help anna, so like giving them solutions to the problem.

Yeah, And I think just being proactive as a friend, so, you know, sending people messages saying let me know if you need anything, always hear if you need to talk, I'm only a phone call away, things like that. So people do feel like they aren't alone, Well.

I've heard that women don't sometimes when they come to like their partners or their boyfriends or their like their husbands with problems, they don't want a solution where men are real solution base, they just want to vent and be heard.

Yeah, totally, I think. Yeah.

I think that is where a lot of relationship problems can sometimes come from because men in some ways not you.

Because you're not a handy man in different ways.

An emotional you want to be in an emotional handy man you want to physical.

I don't want to fix the problem. And I'm so guilty of this.

Like if someone comes to me with a problem, I'm like, let me fix it for you.

This is what I think you should do.

I think as well, when you are offering that support, I think it's important to be consistent with your support, so you know, if something bad happens in someone's life, it's not just a case of I'll send them a message and now like hands up, I've done my job, like wipe my hands of them. I think showing up with that consistency long term support, realizing that when bad things happen in your friends or found lives that you know time heals all, but you need to really show

It goes a long way as well.

It does go a long way, and it's nice to receive those messages like starting your day and if something bad's happened, you know that feeling when you wake up, your eyes open and you get that sinking feeling in your gut.

And then if you look at.

Your phone and you have a nice message from your friend who's thinking about you, you're like, ah, those.

When you go through stuff and there's like a couple of seconds when you first wake up and you've forgotten about it. Yeah, and then it kicks in it and you're like the fuck the fuck. Also, respect their boundaries and timing.

Yeah, I think everyone heals and wants to talk and communicate at their own pace. And I think you're right, like you need to really read the room and you know, know your friends and don't keep hounding them. Yeah, don't overstep, Like I think like one message a day is good.

You don't need to message them throughout the day and if they've.

Not replied, I mean you're not rocking up to their house with flowers and that they don't want to talk to you.

I mean you could.

You could just leave them at the door, or like make them a meal. A lot of people, because I'm pregnant, they've been saying.

Talking about had a smoothie today.

A lot of people have been saying to me, like when you first have the baby, A lot of people want to come over and visit the house, and people say, can I do anything for you? And just yes, say if that's it, like can cook me something and just drop it off, but like they don't have to come in, They'll just leave it at the door.

I'm like, oh, that sounds bliss, It sounds lovely.

Someone could drop something off now, who eats?

Could I'm surprised you've not ordered something at this point.

Complaining NonStop, encourage them to seek professional help. We're advocates on this podcast of therapy. I think there's nothing wrong with going to therapy. So I feel like sometimes yeah, seeking your friend's help or your family's advice, you're not getting the professional advice, and it is as well one sided,

Yeah, And I think as well, like no one's ever expecting to go through a bad time or through something bad to happen. And I think it's just a good reminder as a friend to tell your friends, hey, look, you seem to be really struggling, and I know this

This if I'm been working on that in my relationship as well, like actually validating the other person, so saying I understand what you're saying, I hear you. It's good. It makes you feel when when someone talks to you like that. It makes you feel heard and understood, and it can soothe pain.

Yeah, there was actually a two thousand and four study on emotional support done that actually showed emotional validation from a trusted friend was actually linked to four forty percent higher levels of positive emotions. So all of these things are really making a pretty big difference in.

Someone's life who is going through a tough time.

That Another one is to help them maintain social connections. So like when someone gets depressed, it's quite easy for them to stay in home, eat shit, watch TV, and just like not really get out of the house and do much. So I feel like helping your friend get out of the house, do stuff. Maybe take them for a mental health walk, take them to I don't know, a restaurant to eat, just get out of the house, go do stuff that will bring enjoyment to them.

Yeah, and I think, look, when we are going through a tough time, don't get me wrong, all you want to do is not talk to anyone. Sometimes get some moober eats. You don't want to do anything, you don't want to cook, and you just want to kind of like sit there and feel your feelings. And I think it is important to really feel those feelings, to have

I saw this thing and it was like how long you walk for what it does to your body? I think it was like even like fifteen minutes releases a bunch of like serotonin and dopin or whatever it was. I can't. I think I saved it on Instagram after find or screenshot it, and it was good like every and then like you get to like forty five minutes, it burns like this much fat and it does like all it was just going through all the stuff it does. Walks are so good. People say, like, oh, going on

Yeah, oh absolutely, and it's good to kind of. I feel like you see the world in a different way when you're walking through a street rather than driving through it. Like you notice things, don't you think, Like you're like looking at.

Like I try not to take my phone with me sometimes, but then when you take your phone, you don't have music, So I try not to be on my phone.

Mental health walks, yeah, do you have mental health walks?

Love that, Yeah, just to clear the brain. It's nice be it one with nature.

You know that looking at nature actually can reduce anxiety and depression, like looking at moving nature. So I'm looking outside of the studio right now and I can see a moving tree and I'm seeing the leaves move in the wind, and it's actually quite calming.

Have you ever grounded yourself? Like taking off?

I love grounding myself. How good is that?

I went out of my office one time, I went to the park and took my shoes.

Yes, just feed on the grass, feet in the dirt, to feet in the sand is my go to.

I live close to a beach, so I think, yeah, feet in the sand, feet in the ocean, bliss. I think as a friend, when you are giving advice, no matter how big or small someone's problem feels to you, it is important to never minimize someone's struggles. So just to be mindful not comparing someone's struggles to someone else's or to yours. I think we all have this habit of if someone goes, oh, this really bad thing happened to me, and then you go, oh, well this happened to me too, and it's almost.

Like this validating their feelings.

Yeah, yeah, And I think sometimes it's good even if you have something that you want to say to actually just go this isn't about me. They're talking about something that's really difficult in their life right now and actually just taking it in and acknowledging that's it, holding space, acknowledging it and making them feel like you've really listened to their problem and not doing the whole comparison thing of like, well I'm going through this so yeah you know.

Yeah, and I think that we're going is not comparing anything like well, when this happened or I've got this going on. Just hold space for them, listen to them, and validate.

Them, and holding emotional support, like you said, is amazing and comforting you can also do it through humor. And I say this lightly because I think definitely choosing your moments on the humor is important. But I think if someone's going through a really tough time, you don't always

If passed away or something, don't just crack a joke out straight away. Read the room.

Read the room.

Yeah, don't definitely don't crack a joke about anyone who's passed away. I'm saying more like, you know, bring a bit of humor into the conversation, make them laugh if that is your type of personality, and if you don't feel comfortable with it, just leave it to the life.

It's the best medicine.

Sometimes is the best medicine.

I totally, I totally agree with that. One of my friends, Maddie she I don't know what it is about like our friendship, but we just get into these laughing fits together and it's almost like it's it's not even sometimes about the topic, but I hear her hysterically laughing, and then it makes me hysterically them so good, and then you just it is laughing is truly the best medicine.

Last, but not least, stay patient and allow space for them to heal. Yeah, which is literally wrapping up everything we've just said.

Yeah, absolutely, Just I think being a consistent friend, being patient, showing support through their tough times, you know, is the best way to hold space for healing.

And remember bad times don't last. Your friend will feel better.

Soon and time heals or wounds, although some wounds are deeper than others.

So the time will be longer and will be longer.

You know what, Matt, I'm really glad we did this episode. I think it is something that's worth just putting to the front of the brain. And it's just, you know, these are all little tools that you can use in your daily life. Whether it doesn't even need to be a friend. It can just be like a work colleague who's going through a tough time, someone in.

Your family, or a friend partner, whatever it is.

But I think it's just good to refresh on, you know, things that you can do to really make a difference in someone you care about life.

I think I was very terrible back in the day. I think maturing and growing up has gotten me a lot better at that sort of stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, I realized back in the day I wouldn't have held space for mates and that, so now yeah, I feel.

Like I can, and I think as well, like when you feel like someone holds space for you as well, it's like this reciprocal friendship where you can kind of give and take and it's not just take, take take

Okay, guys, until next time, Bye bye your friends.