I want the fairy tale. I want the prince charming.
She how do I put this?
Isn't a fan of my kissing.
Style boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours.
He's in a trash bin. He's non recyclable.
Catching them up.
I love being love.
I love love.
On today's episode of Where's Your Head At, we are lucky to have Hailey Michelle Andrews and her partner Sam join us to talk all things relationships, passion, pleasure, and porn. Hailey is a feminine empowerment coach who shares her wisdom through her followers and is an advocate for self love and self discovery. We are excited to hear what advice Hailey and Sam have for us when it comes to watching porn in relationships.
Stay tuned to hear how you can rev up your engines in your sex life.
Where's Your Head At is a podcast that talks all things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.
This is your new go to destination for laughs, gossip, intimate details, advice, and much more. All right, guys, thanks for coming. It's a pleasure to have you here.
Hey guys, Hi, thank you so much.
So excited.
Yeah, we're so excited to have you. I told you before. I actually stumbled across your Instagram Hailey, and oh my god, it was just so unique, like your content is so individual. It just really drew me in and I immediately followed you. But then I was just so interested in what both of you were posting. I saw that you are a divine feminine sacred sensuality embodiment coach, which is just number one. It's a very long, a very long title bit super interesting. Can you tell us a bit about that?
Yeah? Wow, okay, So the feminine embodiment is all about to me, is finding our fullness and our safety in our sexuality, in our sensuality. It's about coming back into that feminine space of magnetism, of creating our life through being through really just I guess, tapping into all these spaces that we've lost along the way, and to reclaiming our power, to reclaiming our sensuality and our sexuality. And yeah, I mean it's a long title because it is a forever expanding mission.
There is so much to delve into.
Is there a lot of women?
I am a lot of.
I need a big citer, So yeah, there's a lot to it.
And Sam, you are a breath work tanenteric facilitator, empowerment coach. Can you just give us kind of like a brief overview of what that means?
Yeah, sure, absolutely so. I think as soon as people hear this word tant they instantly think about sex. Yeah, And where it's like tantra for me is it's about seeing the divine and everything almost seeing like God and everything and each other and ourselves and our environment. And so much of my journey has been a mixture of delving deep into the science of things and then deep
into the spirituality. And so I've traveled the while I spent eight years traveling around the world, I spent forty days in the desert in Egypt doing a tantric shraumatic initiation. And it's all about energy management, you know. It's all about knowing our energy and harnessing our energy and understanding that energy, like sexual energy is energy, but it's just condensed intense energy, and how we can use that energy.
Because for me, it's like I've always had so much, but it's like, how how can I then channel that energy and use it? Not not just for sex, but you know, for creative endeavors or how can I use that in my everyday life? So so much what I do and coming to the breath. Wok, it's about the living consciously and so the thing is, it's about using this sexual energy, this energy that we have, and consciously applying it to our life. That's what so much my
journey has been about. I'm locking that within myself and now I'm locking that within others as well.
You guys are just fascinating, Like, I just have so many questions right now, like because honestly, I think everyone needs these types of coaches. We all struggle so much with this and I think there's so much value in this, but it's not spoken about enough. Do you guys feel that?
Absolutely?
Definitely. I feel like, well, I guess our bubble of life it is spoken about a lot, yeah, in general terms. Not enough. Yeah. And you know, this is something that has really been suppressed within us all because it's our power. It's our power, our sexuality, our sensuality, it's our fucking power.
And that's happening right now within our world with our society because so much the suppression comes from keeping us small. So so much of the suppression has come from religion. You know, so much of like sexual suppression, like you know, feeling guilty about masturbation or you know, sex outside of marriage,
all of these things. And it's like if we look back at ancient culture, if we look back at the Egyptians, you know so much the ancient Egyptians practice tantrau as well because they realize this sexual energy is this is life force energy.
It's where we were created, like we are created from sex, and it has been so shunned upon. It's been so shunned upon, but it is life force energy. It is so much more than what it is perceived to be.
Exactly what society has. It's been able to be aware of that and how to use that, so not to be overrun by this energy and this power, not to be controlled by it, but being able to use that in a healthy way. And that's what so much of our work is about, is like not suppressing our sexuality. Has been so much suppression of sexuality in our society. And this is where I feel like so much of
life for me. I work with a lot of brothers, and I have so much love in terms of bringing that awareness because there's so much and I hear there's like toxic masculinity on mainstream media, and well, I can
understand where there's been abuse of masculine power. For me, it's something so close to my heart because I see all these brothers who just you know, they're confused, they don't know what to do, they don't have that identity, and there's so much power in this and I think that negativity only really occurs when there's resistance, and so when we suppress our power and we suppress our energy,
then it can leak out in unhealthy ways. So it's about how to cultivate that and how to bring that back into our truth and then how to express that in a healthy way. Wow.
Yeah, I think there's definitely so much shame around sex. I've definitely felt it, and it becomes is like in a struggle that you face and you're like, oh, but I want to be open. I'm embarrassed. And I think that's why you guys are so necessary, because you're shy, light upon it and you're so open that it makes people feel way more comfortable and way more comfortable than you know. I mean, I've never seen a page on Instagram like both of your pages and it's empowering to see.
I was fascinated what you're saying, Sam about how like you're very sexual and you have a lot of sexual energy and you've used that, like channeled it for different ways, because I find myself very like sexual and very high intent of that sort of stuff. Yeah, And I found it fascinating how you use it for other stuff. Can you explain that, like what you mean?
Yeah? Yeah, absolutely, And I think this is something that's so important. This has been such a such a journey in my life of like been open to that sexuality. And I think especially for us men, I mean women, you've had it suppressed for such a long time. There's been so much control around that, and I feel like there's there's been this shift, there's been this movement, you know, and it's so beautiful to watch women now being more open and speaking into this. I think it's so powerful.
But I'm seeing a bit of a knee jerk reaction here and where now there's sort of almost a pression of the masculine energy and the masculine power. And so for me, when I when I see this, I think it's so important for us as men to not feel ashamed or guilty around having the sexual designs of how to really express them in that healthy way. And so this is where a lot of our work, and this way, a lot of my work with Tantra has come into because I think, again, you know, we'll speak into this letter.
I'm sure around porn, but like around how we're conditioned to what sex is. And I think this is here when we look at this and when we look at like sensuality and sexuality. So a lot of men, in my experience, they think sex and they just think of this like you know, like jackhammering, and it's like it's it's very sexual, and it's and it's almost it's done.
And the way I describe this is that we look at the energy centers and so we have this, you know, this beautiful heart center, and then we've got our sexual center. This is more the sacrel in the root. And when when we do this, when we look at this, a lot of men in the past and have been a little bit more closed off in the heart and more open sexually. And when women and it's not all women or all men, but they tend to be the opposite.
We have a bit more open in the heart. They need that emotional connection, and they tend to be more closed sexually, and so a lot of the work in Tantra is about opening both of these channels. So for men, opening our hearts and having this flow of energy, like having this flow and this is what we do it. It's something called the microcosmic orbit within Tantra and breathe
into this energy. So for men and using this sexual energy that we have, but doing it from a space of having an open heart, and then we can start to channel this energy and then use it for I mean, it's creation, it's creative energy. So it's like you know, maybe you're like, Okay, I'm feeling like I want to go and have sex or whatever it might be. And then you can use that energy and you can channel it.
A lot of this is through the breath and through moving that energy, and then you can put that energy into creation, into creation like I'm in here with it some DJ dex and you know, and when we can put that into music instead of like you know, where a lot of guys my defaults like oh I feel this surge of energy, I need it, I need it. I need to go and have a way do I need to go watch porn or something like that, and they waste that and.
Let that energy like out into the world rather than hey, let's like sublimate that energy and let's direct it into something else exactly.
Okay, So we're going to be talking a lot about porn in relationships in this episode. Pre meeting each other, did you both watch porn individually?
Yeah, well, I personally was very conditioned through porn.
Okay.
I guess my whole experience with sex was revolved around porn from a very young age. And this is I think where we're so passionate about it is because there is no education around sex. So my sexual education was porn, was pornography, and my first sexual experience was at age twelve because I was so conditioned around that porn and finding out through that.
And so for me, yeah, there.
Has been a journey through the whole stages.
Like in regards to porn.
Just before I met Sam, No, I wasn't currently watching porn.
Your story is a little bit different than my love.
There was more of a yeah, yeah for sure, and I think it's like yeah, yeah, for sure. And then coming back to like speak more word about before about this really sexual energy and craving that, you know. And so it's like for me, I've always had so much sexual energy, but then I'd be like I'd be looking for an outlet for that, and that's why I would
turn to porn. And for me, I guess I've moved through so much in my life and I'm someone who I always see myself as like like I don't have an addictive person, you know, it's like I just for me, it's so I can just give anything up at the drop of a hat, no problem with virtually everything. There was there was a time where I uestion if other sex addicts, like there was a time where I actually sort out like coaching and like around that and I
and they're like, no, no, that's good, that's healthy. You know, that's that's just got a lot of energy. You know, that's fine. But porn, I would say that porn has been the only thing I've really ever been addicted to in my life.
Wow, when you say addicted, what are we talking to, Like, what do you mean by addiction?
So for me, addiction on a on a very simple level. And I work a lot with addiction, with people with addictions. But it's like when I would choose porn over something else that's better for me, you know. So it's like I would I would choose porn even when I knew
it wasn't the right thing to do. So it might be for example, I was my mates wanted to catch up, and I'm like, I'm just going to stay at home and what's some porn and you know, like masturbate for a few hours or you know, I was like to this point of like needing that pleasure, Like I was chasing that pleasure and building so deep into it, like delving into the understanding what's happening chemically within the brain.
And like so it's like why we like fruit and why fruit are all different colors because we like variety. And so porn plays on this, you know, porn plays on this. And that's like you know, like having one tab open and opening another one and like you know, like getting deeper into it and it's like, oh that's boring now, Like I neat way something else, and it's like, so this is this is what's.
Happening, programming the brain to be stimulated, the body to be stimulated through something new.
Yeah, absolutely, And I think this is there's so many different levels of like what's something like with dopamine, what's happening with that release? And then and then there is
that pleasure you know, and it's like really connected. So for me, I mean, it wasn't it wasn't a huge issue before we met, but there was definitely times in my life, and I was when I was younger especially, and There'll be times where I'm like, oh, well, maybe it's easy like I'm you know, I'm feeling I'm feeling horny, and I could go out on I could just watch some porn, you know, like and and so for me, a big part of it as well was because when
I do connect with someone, there's a lot of emotional connection. My background is like kind of like coming from that space of a woman to heal of not wanting to hurt people. But it was especially when I was younger and I wasn't as conscious around the communication. I had that struggle sometimes where people like really fall in love and it was almost like Pawn was like, well, no one's going to fall in love with me, you know,
like I can get Yeah, it's easier, you know. So it was like for some pople, I think it's more of like, oh I could just do this because I don't have to go out and get it. But that wasn't really the issue I had. My issue was kind of like, you know, try and like having it, but then like having that distance from it. Yeah. So yeah, and it's something that's so so common I find this. Like I'd say, like ninety nine percent of my clients have had some form of porn addiction.
Well, look, let's jump into all things pawn and porn in relationships next.
All right, Sam, So, I feel like you've been saying a lot of stuff that resonate with me, and like, I just want to be completely honest and open here with ya. So you said that you were addicted to pawn in the past. I feel like I might be struggling myself because I normally have to wait once when I wake up in the morning, once when I get home from work, and then once before I go to sleep or else. I've saying before, I feel real tense, and I feel real like yeah, like my energy and
real anxious. I've even been called by some of my mates a sex addict, and it's been thrown around a lot. I've thought about it as well myself, so I can resonate with you on that, like, do you have any tips or anything that like what I can do?
Yeah, absolutely, what's happening here is we're looking for a release. Yeah, that's there's of course there's the pleasure and that side of things and the variety. But quite often when especially from it sounds like from what you're seeing, it it's like the it's like the ejaculation, it's the release. And this it's almost like escapism in a sense, because you're you're getting relief, you know, you're getting relief from everything else.
Like you said, it's like this this old face, you know, there's close to God and so your your mind is switching up. And often, so often what's happening here it
can be a number of things. And this is why again why the breath is so important and the breath work, but so so much of our work and what we do is around working with emotions and understanding emotions, and so quite often what's happening here and what we've experienced in our society today is there's been a lot of suppression of emotion, especially for the masculine and especially in Australian culture. Like I had the benefit of traveling around the world for eight years. I lived in Germany for
quite some time. I was in Europe, so I got to experience different cultures and how things were I was. I was twenty three when I left Australia and a big part of the reason I left Australia was due to kind of not really feeling like feeling something was missing,
feeling like I didn't really fit in. You know, a lot of my friendships were based around he was like, you know, going out talking about girls, you know, like do amount of the footy, you know, like it, and it was all like a lot of banter, and I I was lacking like this deeper connection. Yeah, And I sort of found that a bit more in Europe, where guys are a bit more open and it was a
different way of framing things. So I feel like in Australia, especially in a lot of other cultures, but there's this idea of masculinity, this idea of like the much shown man, the man who doesn't cry, who doesn't feel, because that's what strength is, and men should be strong, you know.
And it's like coming back to Yeah, there was a time for millennia and I've I've had these flashbacks of like Axe in hand and the battlefield, and like there wasn't really a time and space for emotion, like, oh, I don't want to hack my brother now, like then you're did, So there was really a time for suppressing emotions. Yeah, that's what sort of led to almost it's stunted our evolution of this suppression of emotion. And so what's happening quite often then is that we're looking for an escape.
So when these emotions come up, we actually don't want to face them. We don't want to go into that because it can be painful or it can be uncomfortable. And so what we're doing then quite often is we're looking for an escape. We're looking how can I avoid feeling this thing?
Wow?
And that's where that's where a lot of men are then turning to sex or to pawn. So they're suppressing their emotions and they're looking for something they can be distracted with.
It's interesting you say that because Matt and I were on a TV show and Matt was actually quite heavily bullied by the Australian public foreshowing emotion and crying a lot, and it wasn't accepted. And I think even like in the past two years, people have become more open, more accepting. But it's interesting hearing you say that because that was my immediate reaction to that. Yeah.
I was always taught to show my emotions, like with my heart and my slave and not be ashamed of it. So yeah, I went on national television and cried and cop t heaves a slack for it.
But what, I'm sorry, sorry that you experienced that.
Well, how I found the best way to deal with it was I owned it. I was like, that's me, That's who I am. I have no shame in it. I cry all the time.
That's who I Authenticity.
Authenticity, This is like authenticity is sexy, someone being themselves and earning that rather than trying to fit into the mold, really honoring in that respect.
Thanks, Yeah, that's just me.
Okay, So when did you guys first start discussing porn in your relationship Because you mentioned before Hailey you weren't watching porn actively at the time when you guys first met Sam you were. How did that conversation come up and kind of if you could explain the evolution of stopping watching porn.
Yeah, for sure, I mean, like I said, I think even by the time we were by that stage of us meeting, like I'd done so much work on myself where it actually overcome that addiction. So it was something that I'd already moved through myself quite some time before. So there's kind of like in context, when I thought I was addict to the porn, it was quite some time before that, but there was there was still definitely some overhang of that, so to speak, like I still
occasionally watching porn when we met. I mean, like I said, it was just because it was it was such a habit. It was a habit, and it was just, yeah, sometimes it was easier than going through any sort of emotional conflict that I might experience when I was like saying to women like I'm you know, I'm not really interested in a partnership or a relationship, but ultimately with porn. The first time we spoke about it, I mean, I didn't think it was I didn't think it was really straight away, Like.
No, it definitely wasn't.
It came up because we spent that night apart and you said that you watch porn, and that was when the conversation came about.
And that was probably a few months in.
Yeah, a few months in before And.
How did you feel about that, Hayley, when you did spend a night apart and you knew that Sam had watched porn.
Yeah, Like, for me, I feel like porn has been it's like this tunnel vision of what sex is. It's a very small, minute part of what sex is, and for me it really kind of puts down the feminine in a way. I opened this discussion with him that it felt to me like although we hadn't spoken about it, so it wasn't a boundary that had been crossed. But for me, I realized that it was a boundary of mine that I don't want you spending any energy on this, like on other people's sexual energy.
I don't want you receiving that.
I don't want you, yeah, being involved in that because and I realized in that moment that became my boundary because it didn't feel good.
How did that feel for you, Sam, hearing that that was now becoming a boundary in your relationship?
For sure? It was definitely it was a paradigm shift for me. Even though my views on porn, like, I never really thought it was healthy. I didn't think, as I say so bad earlier, but I never thought it was really good and so so much My experience was already that idea around porn not seen as as a as a great thing. But all of a sudden, like I had never ever in my life considered porn to be cheating, you know, like I'd never that that had not come into my field at all. I'm just watching porn, Like,
what do you mean? You know, I'm not I'm not sleeping with someone else, like And I think so that for me was a paradigm shift of how I viewed porn. And even though I'd done so much work, and I remember working when I was doing my tantric for facilitation and working like with my my my guru, and he was he was always like, no, porn, porn is terrible, like do not go near porn, you know. And I think it's like for me when I look at porn and I see like the fact that porn is free,
you know, the fact that porn is free. If you're not paying for it, then you're the product, you know, And this is think about it. You got a subscription for Netflix, you got a subscription for all of these things. But the fact that porn is so readily available online, you know that that for me is straight away a bit of a red flag. There is a subscription unless yeah, I wanted.
To watch a video and it's like side off and I'm free.
Exactly of course, now like only fans now you know, there's different there's different sides of that. But I think ultimately for me it was it was a paradigm shift in terms of even though I'd done that work of understanding sexual energy and like when I'm having sex with someone, sure there's an energy exchange, but there was another layer which unraveled to me and like going, oh, yeah, that's
that's actually true. Like and even though I was watching more because I am so empathetic and I feel people so intensely, Like the porn I was watching was not just your run of the mill mainstream point. It was like, I can't watch pawn like I for me, at least, I can really tell when a woman's actually enjoying it. Yeah, and I can't watch porn if she's not enjoying it, Like I have to feel that she wants that whatever's happening. Yeah, So I think a lot of porn is not necessarily
fallen under that category. So even though like the porn I was watching wasn't necessarily completely unconscious or mainstream porn. But even then to realize that, yeah, if I'm watching porn, even if it's conscious porn, it's still an energy exchange. It's still something that I'm experienced. And even if I'm not physically having sex with someone, there's still an exchange of energy.
So just to clarify in both of your relationship, you would classify watching porn as cheating.
This is a good one, and we've discussed this at length, and I guess ultimately again it comes back to those boundaries that we set and because we hadn't had conscious communication around this at all, Yeah, it certainly wasn't something that was perceived as cheating. And I think even when we speak about this, it's not necessarily cheating, but it's the conscious understanding of For example, if Hayley doesn't like me watching porn, then that's something that I need to
honor and respect. And if I'm doing something that she doesn't like me doing, then you know, what's what's actually going on there, What's what's deeper behind that. I personally don't consider it to be cheating, but it's also a deeper level of understanding of what's actually involved in watching porn and that in that exchange of energy.
Hayley, do you feel like Sam watching porn is cheating if.
There is a boundary in place where we've discussed it and he then goes beyond that boundary. I wouldn't call it cheating, but it's definitely a boundary that's been crossed.
Yeah.
Is it because he's watching other naked women?
Yeah? Yeah, And I guess it's what we spoke about as well. It's like, if I'm watching porn, it's like what am.
What is missing in the relationship? And that's deeper.
That's where we go deeper, because there is something missing in this container if you need to find that fulfillment outside of our container, and this is where we need to be first.
So say that a couple one of the partner doesn't like the other one watching porn, but their sexual energies don't link up at the same What do I say, vibrate libidos are the what do you suggest then for instead of watching porn, Because there's obviously like one of them needs to get off but the other one doesn't as much. What can you implement then into the relationship.
Yeah, multifaceted.
It is very multifaceted. Yeah.
Look, I mean, first of all, it is about like really delving deeper into what those sexual urges are and going on your own journey. But two, one hundred percent, if two people's libidos don't match up and someone is wanting to come into that pleasure are more often than the other, well then yeah, there is nothing wrong with self pleasure. Yeah, there is, one hundred percent. I'm an advocate for self pleasure. Yeah, so yeah, there would be then using your imagination, yeah, I think.
It's as well. It's like the first thing I would suggest, like like how I says, like looking at what's the root?
Cause you know, like what's actually behind it? So why is there actually a discrepancy in the libido or is there more going on behind that where perhaps your partner isn't in her truth where she's dealing with things where she actually has a sexual higher libido than she is you know, actually expressing, or like we said before, of where maybe the other partner, like the man in this example, is maybe then distracting or using that, you know, as
leverage for something else. So I think it's like first and foremost delving deeper into finding out where is the discrepancy with the libido? Is there one or is there more of a like an emotion like does the partner maybe perhaps have some sort of trauma around sex where she doesn't feel fully open and free exactly?
And what I just wanted to actually say about that is if a woman's heart isn't open, her sex center is not going to be opened, and that's where the discrepancy can take place, because it's like more easier for men to get.
Aroused and turned on without their heart open.
So if there is a misalignment within that sexual container of the libido, one being low and one being higher, I'd be looking at is this woman actually being opened in the heart space? Is this woman is she actually getting turned on first and foremost through her heart through the love? Are you taking time?
Does she feel safe?
Are you taking time to actually explore the sexual container in a deeper way, not just like hey, yes, wambam, thank you, ma'am, I got one off. Yeah, of course there's going to be a sexual discrepancy there exactly.
Is your focus on, like you said, is that focus on the end result, on the orgasm and releasing and getting off or is the focus actually on her pleasure and that connection.
Look, there's a lot of people, I think in our society that would probably disagree with you, guys. I actually can't think of anyone I know that doesn't watch porn. And I don't know if that's my circle, who knows, But I'm just saying I think like everyone I know watches porn. But what you guys who are saying is so almost profound, Like I think I've just never really thought of porn as an energy exchange because it's a
screen and screens, like there's a disconnection. Yeah, what would you say to people who disagree with you and think that porn is part of a healthy relationship?
First and foremost is like a caveat, is like, yeah, this is definitely just our opinion, and it's like everything we say is just the way we think about things. I think such an important thing is that everybody's entitled to their own opinion. And you know, I think this is why there's been so many problems in our world today of like this ego of like I'm right, you're wrong totally, So first and foremost, I think that just really and it's because I you know, we are both
very passionate. I'm very passionate about the way I think about things. But it's awesome. So with full disclosure that this is just my opinion and it's not gospel by any stretch of the imagination for me, of that understand like I honestly now with my level of understanding and research and delving deeper into it, it's like, I honestly
think porn is a weapon. I think porn is a weapon against masculinity especially, And it's almost like I almost see it's like almost like a weapon might be hard, almost like a test of like how can the masculine evolve to not take what's just there on offer and to do the more challenging work and then rather to take the easy option. And so that's for me is one like just understanding of what's happening chemically to the body in terms of the release of the chemicals, the
pleasure of the variety in all of these things. So it's like it's kind of teaching us exactly. So it's like understanding on top of the energy exchange, of top of like the relationship that then builds between the masculine and the feminine collectively that there's a all of these opinions at these have come based on quite a lot of research and deep understanding and exploration. So first and foremost, that's kind of why I think porn is unhealthy, And
there's a number of reasons why. For me personally, I think there's not space for it in my life. And that's for me personally. That's not to say that you can't have a healthy relationship with porn. Yeah, and that's not especially conscious porn exactly.
Like to see the whole picture, to see what sex really is, what love making really is, what pleasure really is.
How do you think porn is affecting our society? Like obviously you guys have your own clients. Do you see a lot of fractured relationships?
Absolutely? Yeah, I think it'd be one like unrealistic expectation.
Yeah, and like painting that picture of what pleasure is like, you know, have you ever just been in a relationship where the sex is just like jack Hama, let's go, yeah, done, get.
It off like that, come in place.
I'm in place.
It's like, yes, I love it hard and faster, not if there's no like heart involved, you know, like.
Exactly exactly, and that's like it's the understanding of having that open heart and then the animal came to and that it.
Actually takes a woman like at least forty five minutes to really warm up, like really be able to reach these fucking orgasmic states.
It takes a while. Yeah, well look that's just the clid orgasm.
I can do that in a second.
But when we're talking.
About g spot and sobicle orgasm, it's the whole other story.
And I think it's like, also, I understand that it's it's everyone's individual.
Everyone is individual.
But what Paorn actually does is it paints this really narrow vision around what sex is.
Do you have any tips for our listeners who have listened to you guys and they're just like, oh my god, I want to have a sex life, like Hayley and Sam. How can people spice things up in the bedroom, make things more intimate? You know, I know this is a big one, but like have more open hearted sex and really, you.
Know, yeah, I think it's actually really simple. I think it's actually about listening, you know. I think it's about really opening the space to have conscious communication and to ask our part or what they want and to really listen to that, you know. And I think this is where, you know, my dad always said, we have two ears in one mouth and to use them in that ratio. And and I think especially around something like sex, because there has been so much taboo or you know, and
people aren't necessarily really opening that conversation. And this is but so much like the sexual work of tantries about like before we connected, before we eat, we care, we kissed, but before we before we had sex, there's a ritual that that we go through it and it's like it's like a ceremony almost where we really speak into our boundary and our desires, like what we like and what we want, and it's to understand that everyone's so different,
like we're all so different, especially especially women, with how you are turned on with what you do like, and it's like you could be with one woman who just loves loves this, and then the next one's like what the fuck.
With that?
I couldn't agree more? And then especially like you go off like body language and mannerisms, and then some women don't give you that and you're sort of like, what what do I do?
You know exactly and not and not all men have necessarily nurchured and developed their emotional intelligence to a stage high enough where they can tune into the body language. And so this is why it's like, there's a great book called the for Agreements, the Four Agreements, and they talk one and big one about this is talking about not making assumptions. And even even when we're where we're like, yeah, I think, well, I feel like you like this, but it's to be really clear about it. It's like do
you like this, Like is this something you enjoy? Because maybe because you know this, maybe the way.
We've been conditioned for women is just to bend over, make a certain sound. Oh do I look good? Okay, he's having fun. It's all good.
Yeah, and exactly like faking organisms or things like this so that they and this this ability to then change that situation. So I think it's it comes back to listening and really clear communication.
Just communication is the grounds to everything kind of especially to better sex.
And speaking your truth, speaking your truth, like you know, this is what I like, this is what I don't like.
And then we can go into the realms of self pleasure for women and how important it is to actually know what we like and know what we want, Yeah, know what we desire, I know what turns us on because it isn't just what porn has told us.
Yeah, and for men as well to develop that relationship with their bodies, with themselves, Yeah.
It's really under standing being union with your cock exactly.
The cock tell the story my work. That the prime of my work is connecting the hearts of the cock, you know, having that relationship and to realize that, yes, there is a powerful tool. Yes, I mean most men we love our cock. But it's like having that healthy relationship.
Who's in control?
Yeah, exactly, And there was a time the cock there's the blood flowing. So and it's about having that healthy relationship with within the self first and foremost. I really nurtured and developing that relationship. And it's like I've met so many men who have yeah, because of pawn. They've then got insecurities about the size of their deck, you know, like and it's like you can be you can be hung like a horse and still have that you know, you can still be like, oh but it's not it
could be bigger, you know. And then it's understanding, like that's not all it's about. Some women maybe they like that but not all. You know, it's understand we're also individual and we're all so unique and taking that step back because that's what I find what I've really noticed in a lot of my clients as well as that experience of insecurity and what that leads to because so much of sex it is happening up here, like so
much of it is creating that safe space. So much of it is like not well, not being up here, so not thinking about these things, but being fully in the body we are.
Yeah, and that is the That is one of the main things that porn has conditioned us, is that it is just about the end result.
Yeah, you know, it's not about the journey. It's about getting somewhere.
And that's so relative of life.
And that is really right.
But that is also why women do things like fake orgasm.
Because porn tells the man that if the woman doesn't have an orgasm, he hasn't done his job. Yeah, so that is where women are like, Okay, I don't want my partner to feel bad, so I'm just going to fake it in this moment, and then we end up in this cycle of neither of us really being satisfied.
And exactly it's because then someone is afraid to speak their truth, like actually, what you're doing there, it isn't good. I just want you to finish so we can so we can stop this. So they instead they lie, they fake something and they lie and they're not enjoying it, and to so they.
Can finish conscious communication, concious.
Communication, like look, you know that's that's cute, but please don't really having this really create that safe space. And this is something even before and like I said, before, we connected of dropping into that and speaking around these things about what are what what do we like? What don't we like? What are the boundaries?
And then like experimenting as well, and like you know, for a couple that has never you know, been in a love temple or understands this kind of work, you know, create the space like have candles, like you know, maybe have some some pleasure toys whereas like feathers and you know, other means before just penetration, you know, what else can you bring in to bring pleasure in? Because it's not just about the sex, it's about.
The whole experience. So how can we be in more pleasure throughout the whole time?
I love what you say here just about the senses as well. You know, like this isn't how to make sex better. Focus on the senses. Candles, soft lighting, sound, nice music, like the fuses, good smell, like these things. The senses are important, guys.
Just to bring it back to balance. Every time Sam and I have sex, it is not always a love temple and candles, and you know, sometimes it is a quickie in the kitchen and that's fucking hot.
Yeah, but it's the balance.
We have a lot of female listeners, and I know, like as you said, Haley, a lot of women get stuck in their own head during sex, whether that's I need to suck in my stomach. I don't want to show cellulite. You're doing so much to please. I know for me, when I was younger and I used to have sex, I couldn't orgasm until I finally learned to get out of my head and then it was like a piece of cake. But how do women start that journey of getting out of their head during sex.
M Yeah, it's a big one. It is a big one. Yeah, But the first step.
Would be coming into their own self pleasure practice. And when I work with any woman, it's always about do you have a self pleasure practice, okay, or is it just masturbation you know? Are you just rubbing one out getting it off like a lot of people are. So it's coming back into sex as an entire experience and knowing your body, knowing what turns you on, right, And it's about coming out of the mind and into the body.
So we have to do that first and foremost with ourselves, because, like we said, everything is in external reflection of the internal world. So first of all, yeah, coming into that space of self pleasure within yourself. Yeah, And then it could even be a conversation as well with a partner.
Like, Hey, this is my history. I feel like I'm in my head a lot. I worry about what I look like, I'm worried.
About how I'm sounding, and this is something that's really alive for me, and I want to work on this. Can we work on this together? And then your partner's on board and your partner knows okay, baby, Yeah, I can feel that you're in your head right now. Just relax like that's when it comes into this beautiful union of healing together.
You don't have to do it on your own. It's about being conscious about what is.
Going on internally for you and then communicating that with your beloved.
Wow. Yeah, And I guess that just comes back to holding a space for each other and being able to.
Communicate, make a safe space for you guys to chat about.
Yeah, I'm not being scared to speak your true The power of vulnerability.
Yeah, this is one that you're always holding on about that. You know, vulnerability is connection, you know exactly once where you let down, like let down the armor, let down the defenses, like we're safe, you know where here we feel we feel safe with it's trust. Then one like it's the opening. And this is what I think especially for men to understand as well as women. But it's like to really understand, it's like it's not just the opening,
it's the emotional opening. There's there's the energetics of this. It's not just the penis and the vagina. You know, this is not sex. This is this element of sex, but there's an energetic side of when you penetrate, when you enter into someone, there's an emotional connection as well, and so for them to be open, it's like, I mean, yeah, a woman can be turned on, she can be wet, all of these things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's open from this space of the heart, that she's
emotionally ready and available. And once we can have that connection once, once she is, then we can really get into the fund.
Then men, it's enlightenment.
Yeah, talking to God. I just I think it's just important for men. I have to understand that because I think a lot of men in the past have had this negative attachment to emotions. But it's like this is this is a beautiful thing, this is it's all one, it's all part of the process. And the more we can be open to emotions, the more pleasure there's going to be on a physical side as well.
Yeah, it's all linked. It's all connected.
Guys.
Thank you so like, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for coming on our podcast. This has been the most powerful episode we've ever had. I have learned so much, Matt.
I'm sure it's been amazing. I've actually like opened my eyes to a lot of things. I've Why have you been sitting here talking, I've just been like thinking about stuff chicking. I don't know if you could see they're definitely speaking some truths here.
Yeah, from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you again for coming on. It's been amazing and we hope to talk to you again soon.
Appreciate Thank you, guys, Thank you so much for having us.
It's been a pleasure.
Bye. Okay, guys, this conversation was too good. We only expected to do one part, but we've had to divide it into two separate parts because it's been so eye opening. So in part two we're going to talk all things jealousy and relationships. I know this is a huge one. It's a huge one for me, so we're going to dive into that in the next episode. Until next time, Bye,