ARE YOU A FEXTER?

This girl I know reached out to me and she was like, Hey, I'm dating this guy. I saw that you guys used to date or have gone on a few dates, and I just wanted to get the four one one on him, which is kind of rare because that kind of stuff hasn't really happened to me.

But I'm so okay with it.

Like if I've dated someone and to come to me and be like, hey, I'm dating this person, give me the give me the goss, I'm willing to give it.

I don't know about that.

Where's Your Head At?

Is a podcast that talks all things. Hold on a sec, let's give this a refresh.

Hi, I'm Anna.

And I'm Matt, and we are now too newlywed not to each other. Just a female and male best friend here for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Times and exploring adulthood, family relationships, dilemmas.

And whatever else we have the mental capacity to do with.

Come get the lowdown.

This is your male and female perspective.

So mad, where's your head At? Hello?

Good morning, Anna, how are you?

I'm doing good. There's lots on the agenda today.

There's lots of shows out at the moment, which I am excited about.

Go on, then what are they? Are they? Ones like I like like Severance watching that?

Don't know what that is? Right, I haven't heard of it.

It's a thriller Apple TV good one.

Obviously, Maths is now out the new Math season. Yes, very excited to watch that.

And also we have Love Island All Stars which is out that UK the UK one. Yes, I wonder if there's going to be anyone from Australia on there this year.

Have you heard anything?

I haven't heard anything, honestly, I haven't thought about love Islian ages were where you were going to watch Love Island a couple of years ago and having and I last year, sorry, and we're going to watch a season. But she didn't really want to watch it with me. She was like, I can't watch it now because you were on it. Yeah, you're on. It's not the same for me anymore. And I was like, yeah, fair enough. Does Michael feel the same way? No, no, he just yeah he likes it, or he.

Just no, he likes it. I think. Okay, I will say this.

The thing about the Love Island All Stars and what makes it different is number one. You know, it's like the best of the best characters, so you're going to get some good entertainment, but also people are actually wanting to find their forever partner. I feel like, no, it's true, Like there's a thirty nine year old guy in there. He already has a kid, and he's like, I want to meet my wife, and they all of the guys, all of the girls, they're like older, so they're like

In there weren't really I think I came well, I know, I came in with the same attitude, and I think that's why we went as far as we did. And I think producers know who's there for.

The right romantic I know, it's like someone.

Love us, please, someone love me for who I am. Well, luckily we didn't find anyone in there because now we're happily married. But I think that when you do it the first time around, Yeah, there's a lot of people that go in there and you can really see who they are real quickly.

Yeah, And I think the difference between the original Love Island and this one is I feel like people could actually meet their husband or wife in there. So that's exciting to me as someone who's a newly weed, freshly married. Same with you, like it's exciting.

You want to see people actually meet their soulmate. So we love love, We love love. Stay tuned, I'm going to be watching. I don't know.

It's hard to get mad on board, guys. Honestly, it's hard to get them on board with a reality show.

I watched Maths last year, Tammy and I watched it. Finish it we got to like the second last week?

Or are you gonna watch it this year?

I can't see why not actually something that.

We let's do, let's commit don't.

Commit to anything because you know, life gets like I'll try to, but we're always behind. We don't watch it as it happens.

I watch it as it happened.

Well, when we came up to date, that's when we stopped. When we caught up.

Well, maybe just be a bit more on top of it.

And then once we caught up, we stopped. Yeah, we stopped watching it because we didn something got in the way.

But it would be fun to talk to everyone about it.

Well, what I shined is when we watch Maths, when we watch anything, it's actually something I want to say on the podcast before. It's quite a funny thing that we do to each other. So, say something's happening on the TV show we're watching all the movie, say good or bad, it's either way. Like it's like you know, someone's like declaring their love to someone, or someone saying

It is interesting because you do get to see and obviously I'm aware that when we think we're seeing two sides of Maths specifically, they're probably missing a few parts out, but it is interesting as a viewer when it comes to relationship dating shows to really get to see the psychology of, you know, one person's side versus the other, and why this person's reacting in this way versus why this person's reacting in this way, and then maybe someone's

Know what I say. There's three different versions of a story. There's his hers and the truth, But when it comes to Maths, there's four. There's his Hers, the truth, and producers site. So there's four different sides. When it comes to me one thousand, Well, these newlyweds, they're married at first sight?

Do you have some Mum can't tell for them that I commandments?

Shall we say some commandments? I stumbled onto ten Commandments of marriage.

I'm actually very excited to hear this. Matt would not tell me what these were. I'm like, give it to me, give me the ten Commandments marriage.

Okay, so number one is speak softly and listen carefully.

Yep.

Good one. Number two. Be each other's biggest cheerleader.

That is so big, it's so interesting. I think you can really tell when someone's not on your team, like not cheering for you.

And I think you should always cheer for your.

Partner absolutely, and you should always want them to win, and you should always be pushing them to their goals. I think one of my biggest motivators have been like, very like when I've had partners who are my biggest cheerleaders and who give me the confidence to go, I can start that business, I can do this well, confident enough to do that.

If your partner's not in your corner, I feel like nobody's going to be maybe yeah, someone else. Really, she felt like, your partner should always be in your corner, stay committed through thick and thin yep. Always have each other's.

Back yep, publicly as well.

Publicly as well.

Ever, we show that there could be any sort of like arguments or anything. If there's something that someone says that you don't like, pull them to the side and then discuss it and figure out how you know you can do better.

Teamwork makes for dream work.

Teamwork makes the dream work again.

Having each other's back a good one. Say sorry and mean.

It, yeah, big one.

Big one. Yeah. I'm pretty big on just saying sorry and like meaning it. I say sorry a lot, So like I'm trying to say sorry when I mean it and just say it and like that's it. Yeah, and never have like a follow up for it. Sorry, but like just say sorry, and that's that's what I'm trying to work on that.

I'm really good at telling Michael sorry.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm really good telling other relationships.

I really like struggled.

No, I feel like I feel like I said sorry a lot just to keep peace. Whereas now I'm like I'm going to say it when I mean it and like that's like it's heavier then it means it means more. Yeah, keep the spark alive. Love that, talk openly about money, yep, grow together, rise together, love it, and never fight over text, which brings us into today's episode, which brings us into fexting Anna.

Okay, let's talk about it.

So I just said fexting, Anna, which.

She did say fexting, which.

Is a new word for fighting over text.

It is fexing. Do you fight over text, yes or.

No, we have had conversations over text.

I think everyone has any healthy, normal relationship. I think you have heated discussions or disagreements over text, like you can't be with each other twenty four to seven exactly. Yeah, but as you said, one of the commandments of marriage just take together, is no fighting over text message.

I personally feel like fighting over text message. I've done it a lot in past relationships. It doesn't go anywhere, like it doesn't. I feel like it just you argue over text. Stuff gets missed out. I'm not very articulate over messaging and over I'm first to say that like I've got bad spelling. Literacy wasn't my strong point, so typing doesn't get my point across what I'm trying to say. So I feel like it's stupid for me to do that. So I feel like it's better in person.

I think it's also increasingly common for couples to fight over text message in this day and age, because we're in the digital age. But yeah, as you said, I think text messages are super hard because you can't hear tone in text messages. Often people when they're having a discussion or a heated argument or a disagreement. There's nonverbal cues that people can pick up context, and I guess that leads to misunderstanding, and then it can escalate arguments

Also, I know a lot for the trolls out there, people turn into keyboard warriors, and I feel like you could do that with your partner as well, Like if it's not if it's over text, it doesn't carry as much weight. You might feel and you might say stuff that you don't mean as much because it's like just over a screen, Like you could say something, oh fuck, didn't mean to send that or something like that, you know what I mean.

Where I think it could get nastier via text, Yeah, I feel like it could.

Whereas if you're looking your partner dead in the eyes and you're sitting across from them or just talking to him in person, for like, you're way less likely to say you know more stuff like that happy snuffy is probably the right words stuff. Yeah.

So one in four couples actually report to having frequent arguments over text message, So that's pretty high.

I would say.

Twenty five percent.

Yeah, And this includes misunderstandings, disagreements, tension all through text message. So a lot of people are turning to text to have these arguments. And I think in some cases it can be that people don't necessarily feel confident enough to say what they want to say to someone's face. It's harder, Like you said, like the trolling thing. It's it's very easy to send a little text message or be a troll. But as soon as you have to say to someone's face, do you have the balls to say, do you.

Have the courage to go there with them? I don't know.

I mean you probably should with your partner, but I guess.

Should with your partner.

But in some scenarios, people still don't feel comfortable saying things to their partner face to face. And if they can really like execute and you know, make up a really good message with the beginning, middle, and end and explain their point really well so they feel like they're being heard, it can be an easier solution than just having a conversation.

I was literally just thinking that if you write down something and it's it goes like it's got the right language and you say and everything. I feel like I could understand why people would send that to their partner to just be like, hey, I feel this way when you did this this morning. Yah yeah, yeah yeah, and get their point across and then that's easier than like stewing on it all day and coming home or whatever.

I see that, and like, people don't always aren't always comfortable with conflict. For me, I'm totally cool if someone comes to me and goes, I have a problem with you with this, Like I'm not going to cry about that.

I'll be like, oh, I'm really sorry.

If I hear what they've said and I'm like, oh, that would suck, I'll be like I'm so sorry that you know I've offended you or whatever. Like I'm cool with conflicts, but some people aren't. Like some people could hear any level of criticism and burst out crying or just you know, it really stresses them out. And research suggests that fifty percent of couples actually feel that texting

Go, hey, I'm really sorry about this.

Yeah, I agree. I think that, like you keep the text messages to like not even like general chit chat. Really just keep them to stuff that need to be broken about. Yeah, you know what I mean. Like, for instance, I read another thing online somewhere and it was like keep text messages to shopping lists and something or something in else, like just keep it basic, the basics, and then like, you know, people live busy lives. I get it. Some people have office jobs. They can't like go out

Smoke, O what are we?

Yeah? You know what I mean, Like some people's partners might be builders or something. You know.

I know, I'm just save it. We don't call it smoke anymore. Smoking is out?

So what do they call it recess? I haven't been on a job some years. What do they call it recess?

I'm not on a job, but you like coffee.

Break, coffee break, Yeah, take like, go and take a phone call, then like and then, And it actually might end up being better for you because you might not be sitting on your phone the whole day texting. You might get more productive from me at your desk or at the site and do that sort of stuff.

Let's talk about tone.

Okay, have you ever someone message you saying okay, oh you.

Want to start a fight, say kay, they're fighting words.

Doesn't need to be fighting words, though, your responses need to be fighting words.

If someone's saying.

Katie you, maybe you can be like, why are they saying kay to me? Obviously I pissed them off?

What about a thumbs up emoji?

Oh, it's a way to really boil my blood.

All that sort of stuff grinds my years.

I reckon, and I think, like, I think that's why tone is so important. So about seventy percent of conflicts arise over texts that are attributed to tone misinterpretation. So, as you said, tone is super important. And there are things that we can say that we know is going.

To rile up our partner, Oh you know, yeah, wasn't our producer Blake was saying if his partner puts a full stop at the end of something, he's like, that's that's like fighting. I agree, Like I said, if you put a random full stop at the end of something, you're saying.

That's I wouldn't pick up a full start really, but like a k or a shawl or you know, just like there's really like bo right righter. I've never had a ride over before, had no, but I mean, I can imagine how frustrating.

Or a mate ah by your partner.

What do I call you?

What do we call each other when we're arguing, When we're just talking, we'll be like not borrow, but it's like dude.

We call each other dude. Yeah, Like Matt will be like.

Oh, dude, blah blah blah, and I'll be like, yeah, dude, blah blah blah. And sometimes like if Michael's annoying me, I'll be like dude and he'll be like, don't call me.

Yeah no, I've said Tammy called me mate before, and I'm like, I'm not your fucking mate. Like I mean, I am, but I'm not mate.

Yeah, Like Michael hates me called dude, but I'm like me and Matt call each other, dude, and he's like, yeah, but you guys call each other that, Like normally it's not like in a in a.

Disagree So when you're arguing in text, which we really where's your head at? We disagree with? We highly recommend against.

We've all been there. But like, it's obviously not.

Idea if you can try avoid it, I definitely recommend it to pick up a phone, but slow responsors, vague replies, or not replying at all can trigger feelings of neglect or disrespect. In fact, thirty one percent of people report feeling upset or ignored when their partner doesn't respond to text quick enough.

Yeah, it's not ideal.

That's for those anxious attachment style people.

Well yeah, and like, the thing is if you're having a text message conversation with someone and then all of a sudden they just stop replying, and you're like riled up in the.

Midst of it all, you're like, where did they go?

Come back?

And the thing is is they can be like I was in a meeting, I was busy, my life doesn't revolve around tech, and you can't say anything because you're like, that's that's true.

But politely. They should probably say, hey, I'm going into a meeting.

I would say that, but then you're like, are you really or are you just pissed off with me? You know, like it never it can never end.

Yeah, right.

Interestingly, a study found that forty two percent of participants admitted that they analyzed their partner's texts, which often led to conflict. So, like you said, going mia slow replies your partners like why are they taking ages to reply?

Like why? What's more important than me?

Yeah? And have you ever received a really long message from someone, like a guy?

Yeah?

I mean as a guy personally, you don't really send Yeah, I don't know. Maybe my people I hang around and myself my mates where I would say we're not there like that. I wouldn't send a long essay over text.

Okay.

So I remember I was actually dating this specific guy MM and from day dot he was sending me long messages to the point where it was like I was interested in him at the start, but I was like, geez, like he is like really going to town on these messages.

I've been out of the texting game for a while, and now I tell you, do you reply to every little bit of those messages.

Well, I'm not a like long page textter. So if someone's sending me like a long essay, I'm sending them a quarter back Like I'm not.

I'm not trying to equalize the messages.

Do you remember you'd have to try and match their messages or like try and match the flow, or you try and like I said, reply to everything in the message.

I anyway with this guy, he was sending me such long text messages. And years later, like I think I was with Michael at the time, this girl I know reached out to me and she was like, hey, I'm dating this guy. I saw that you guys used to date or have gone on a few dates, and I just wanted to get the four world one on him, which is kind of rare because that kind of stuff hasn't really happened to me. But I'm so okay with it.

I don't know about that.

But you know, I feel anyway.

And it was so hilarious because I was like, yeah, he's a super nice guy just wasn't for me but enjoy fun. And she goes, yeah, he just he seems really sweet. He sends me super long messages. And then I was like, is this a time where I tell her that he sent me really? Is that a nick for you that he sent her really long know that.

He sent long messages?

In general, it was just more annoying.

Yeah.

You know, I had places to be, people to see, and I didn't want to spend You know, sometimes you just want to say, hey, my day's good at the podcast, what are you up to? Yeah, I don't want to reply to how his mum, dad, and cousins going and.

Where he's going through his Christmas break. You know what I'm saying.

I have one for you.

Sure go for it.

And this is my relationship tip. Take it away if you have to.

Draft, take it away for yourself.

Take it away for yourself listening at home. This is my tip. If you have to draft the message in notes and then copy and paste it to the conversation, I really like them. You reckon. I was going to say the other thing. If it's in an argument, or if it's like or if you have to do that, I think that's a red flag.

I think that's a more serious argument, like you're arguing about something serious.

Yeah, but you really need to think about it.

I think you should be arguing over text. So I think if you're doing that and then copy and pasting it like, that's a red flag to me.

I will play Devil's advocate for a second.

Interesting.

I'm thinking about like a past relationship where things were ending because of something happening and this person was blowing up my phone NonStop and I just didn't want to talk to them.

But that's what I mean. If you're doing it in notes, your relationship is not going well, that's what I'm trying.

Well, I'm not saying it's going on.

That's what I'm trying to say. So if you're taking because I.

Sometimes you just don't want to talk to people, is what I'm saying, but you're.

Still talking to them, you're just drafting it in the notes. First, it means it's really intense. You're trying to get you you know what I mean.

Like you're trying to get all your ducks in a row.

Ye don't miss anything. So that's just my personal opinion on messaging over arguing over text. I don't think you should do it at all, but if you're then taking it to the next level and doing it like that, jeez, there's a lot going on there.

I've just noticed that I've said shorty twice.

Now be fighting words.

Don't say kay and sure okay, sure BRB catch you bye, Okay, Matt. That's all we have time for today. We want to hear from you, guys. What's your thoughts on foxting fexting? If you have any stories for us of fixting, arguments or scenarios that you've had with people, send us a voice note.

We would love to hear from you.

Or maybe you're in a relationship where you are foxting and you take away from this that it's not good and you change it up and you stop arguing over text and you guys go, well, let us know that. Let's have some positive ones for once not having all the grim messages.

Give me a few nigs, give me a few negs in there. Maybe one post people like.

To hear all the next, don't it's interest, it's interesting.

Yeah, it's definitely okay, Mat, BRB catcher Okay, bye, oye

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