Am I The Toxic One?

I've definitely dated my fair share of douchebags.

My time just get tinging balls.

Oh I'm spiraling.

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Matt loves a bit of goth and I.

Need affection back. I really need you with that.

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Relationships like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shiit.

Hisity dot Com for you.

I'll be a bloody single and alone with ten cats for the rest of my life. Lie. On today's episode of Where's Your Head At, we will be discussing toxic relationships and love bombing.

Stay tuned to find out if you are the toxic one.

Where's Your Head At is a podcast that talks all things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.

This is your new go to destination for laughs, gossip, intimate details, advice, and much more.

Hello Matt, Hello Anna, how are you going?

I'm going? Well, We're back for episode five.

Excited to get into this one. This one's got some good stuff in there. Let's get into it.

Yeah. So, I mean, last week we asked everyone to say a prayer for you at bed because you were telling us that you had potentially met the one, and I know I'm dying for an update, So why don't you give everyone an update?

Well, first off, I'd like to thank everyone for keeping me in their prayers. It's it's obviously works because yeah, we're going really well. So yeah, so we're still tracking along. Obviously, after our the first magical date, we've we hung out for forty eight hours and then for another week on stop.

So we've decided to take our foot off.

The gas and like maybe take a couple of steps back and keep hanging out or keep like catching up, but not as intense.

So quickly, so not going zero to one hundred, going zero to.

Like eighty five ninety ninety nine, not as intense, but it's still intense.

It's still very much true to that just.

Going falls to the wall.

No, And I'm really I really enjoy her company, So why would I not want to hang out with it?

Well, exactly, if you're happy, I'm happy, We're all happy for you. It's just a collective happiness.

Yeah, exactly.

Tell me, is there any red flags? Because obviously you guys have been hanging out quite a lot. Yeap, Is there anything that's kind of come up for you where you're like, I'm not really sure about that.

I wouldn't say that I've seen any red flags, but she might have a red flag with me. I think she's assured me that it's not, but I'm like, oh, well, yeah, let's talk about it. So she how do I put this? Isn't a fan of my kissing style? She's not, which to me was absolutely I was gobsmacked. In my twenty six years or how long I've been kissing for I have never had a bad review, and you'd know firsthand. I don't know if you kissed you well, your friend which said I'm a really good kisser.

Okay, yeah that's true. Matt did kiss my friend and she said he was a good kisser.

And this comes off the back as well of another girl I was seeing that said I wasn't a good kisser.

What's happened to you that?

I don't know? Have I gotten lazy? Have I gotten sloppy?

I don't know. So I asked what's going on? Like, how am I a bad kisser? And she just.

Said the wait did she frame it? Saying hey, like FYI you're a pretty bad kisser.

We were pretty drunk and we're making out and she said, no, you're doing it wrong.

The truth always comes out when you're drunk as well, so.

That's not good.

So yeah, I was like, what do you mean I'm doing it wrong? And then she just explained she wants this top lip to be like this, and then it's hungue here and there, and I was like what's I was like, okay, I can make at work blah blah blah, and then we get yeah. So look, I've been every movie that I've watched since then, every rom com when they start making out, I've just been intensely kissing style because I'm like, hang on, what are they doing?

Are they doing that? I'm not kidding. Yeah, So you're saying that you've never had anyone say this to you from whenever you had your first kiss, back when you were probably like fourteen, was it?

Yeah?

Around then fourteen and now the last two people that you've kissed, I've been like, what the.

Fuck are you doing?

Yeah?

So the other one said my lips were a bit dry. I was like, well, nah, I've hit I don't know what's going on, Like I said, maybe I'm getting lazy. Maybe I just need to practice a bit more on my pillow.

We'll see what Jesus, that's back into kissing training. We'll get an update on that next week and see how it's going. That's back in school.

Yes, but enough about me. Let's talk about you and how you're exclusive with your lad.

How's that thing going?

My lad? I love it. There's just so many terms for it. He's my man, my lad, my blow old mate, old mate. Yeah. I mean, look, it's going well. As I said last episode, we're exclusive. We did have a bit of a road bump.

How big was this bump? Is it a speed bump or was it just a little like that just drove over and kept driving.

It was a lump that you like, drove over and it gave you like a bit of a like jerked you, Jake. I mean, look, basically what happened was we went out for some drinks. We were both pretty dry, so date night. It was a date night, yeah, and we were both pretty drunk. And you know what it's like, as you said before, the truth comes out when you're drunk, or

Do you want to repeat this speech? Just try and make it less.

Less slurr more articulate. And the speech went a little something like I really like you, I feel like you really like me. Why be exclusive when we should just be official? I feel like that's so we're going anyway, so we might as well just be boyfriend and girlfriend. So we asked, don't get too excited yet, that's.

Say you heard it here first everyone, Yeah.

No, don't clap yeah, And he was like, what did you say?

No?

No? I said, well, okay. Initially I was a bit like, well, we've only just become exclusive, but this speech was so compelling that I was like, you're so right, Like you know what, like, why even being exclusive? We should just be boyfriend and girlfriend? Like we're both on the same page, YadA.

YadA, YadA.

Yeah, yeah, we were both doing a zero to one hundred mat. I mean even to the point where I like I called like a couple of friends that night, and I was like, I've got a boyfriend. But as you can imagine, like my drunkness level was quite high, as was his. So so you.

Were calling all your friends and family telling.

Him I called, I called two friends. Anyway, the next morning, we woke up very hungover, might I add like very capital v e H why hungover? And I turned around and looked at him and I was like, are we and he was like no, and I was like and so basically we decided to take it back. So we were boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours and then we were like.

Another one bites the dust. Anna.

You know what, it's my shortest relationship that I've ever had.

Another breakup. How are you finding the breakup? You need to go back and listen to episode two for some advice.

Look, I was thinking about heading back to episode two and taking listen.

And it's a moving on technique. Yeah no, but in all seriousness, yeah, I just said to him, look like, we don't have to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And I didn't really know how I felt about it, but then he was like, yeah, it's probably way too soon. And although I agreed, with him. A part of me was like, ow, I'm so excited last night, and then I proceeded to get on the text with my friends and say, by the way, that was a twelve hour relationship and I'm back to being exclusive.

All right. So he's asked you to be his girlfriend and then taken it back.

That sounds so bad.

Well, that's what I'm asking. Is that toxic? Is that toxic behavior?

Look?

Is that a red flag? Even I don't really.

Know if it's toxic. I think it was more of a case that sometimes when you're drunk and you really like someone, you just get a bit carried away. And I think we both got a bit carried away. We became sober human beings and maybe decided that there was a reason why we became exclusive, and that was to try and take things slow and not to rush it, because I feel like rushing can sometimes be toxic. So yeah, so I feel like, is it toxic? I'm gonna say no, but it did sting a little.

Well, at least you know that he's intense there and that he has been your boyfriend. I guess do we say that is what you say?

He was a twelve hours Yeah, I at least I know that in those twelve hours he was a great boyfriend, so he passed the test and being a boyfriend. But you know what, moving forward, we won't have that chat.

Until you know it's the right time.

It's the right time, and we've both agreed that if we're going to have that chat, we will be sober.

Yes, that's probably a smart idea.

But in saying that, let's get into our toxic relationships.

Say, all right, first of all, how does it feel to be in a toxic relationship?

I mean, some of the things that you might feel if you are in a toxic relationship is you might feel suffocated, you feel undervalued, underloved, just generally annoyed by your partner in the situation that you're in. You might feel their competitive with you or you're competitive with them, and I think just generally negative about the relationship. So it's not a good feeling. And I know that we have both been in toxic relationships, so we know first and how it feels, and honestly, it sucks.

Yeah.

I mean I've been in a couple of relationships and I have definitely been in one that was toxic, and.

Yeah, definitely it tears away.

At you as a person because I feel like you have so much love and so much like you want to give that person so much, and then there's just so much toxicity and so much just stuff that happens. Like, So there's signs that you can look for that you are in a toxic relationship, and I think some of them are where there's a lack of support from your partner. You don't feel like they've got your back and they're supporting your goals.

One hundred percent. I think another one is there's just a lot of toxic communication. So there's sarcasm or there's a lot of criticism and you just feel very belittled. And I guess they just talk to you with a lack of respect in general and.

Talk down to you.

Yeah, also jealousy and competitiveness.

Yeah, there's controlling behaviors or walking on eggshells. I think you might do things to try and make them feel good and nothing is ever really good enough.

Yeah, I learned how to walk on eggshells. I was walking on my Tiffy toasts for a year straight.

Me got very good at that.

They ignore your needs so they don't care about your like your love language or what you need from that relationship. They're very selfish and they focus mostly on what they need.

Yeah, and I think it's interesting, Like I think a lot of people who were in toxic relationships they hold onto these good times and there's actually not a lot of them, but they view their partner in that way, like those good qualities, but most of the time they're actually not great to them. They're actually not a good partner,

It's not a reality. You're living in a fairy tale world where you think that they're going to change, but they're not. Yeah, before you know it, years months have passed by, you're still in a toxic relationship.

Matt and I have definitely been there. We've discussed this, Like with our toxic relationships, we were constantly hoping for change and constantly wanting that person to be the person like the twenty percent good that they were not the eighty percent bad.

Does that mean just threw them under a bus there tell you that.

But you know what, Like we were also talking about this, and I think that when you have a partner and you aren't compatible and things get really toxic, like you also become toxic.

Right, Yeah, So I feel like I'm no, I'm no angel, right, I've got my I've got my flaws.

But I feel like when I was dating someone that was toxic, I fought toxic with toxic behave.

Because yah, just normal thing. It wasn't going to cut it. Like I had to be toxic. I had to talk down like I had to be match that or else I would have just got walked all over and would have just been treated like shit constantly. Yeah, and it doesn't it's not good. It didn't sit well with me because I don't like being that person.

Yeah, it's not me, And I think, yeah, and that's an important point. Like I have had two very different relationships, a really healthy relationship and a very unhealthy relationship in the past, and it's just so crazy to see how your partner can bring out the absolute best in you or the absolute worst in you. And that's why it's so damaging being in those toxic relationships because you actually become a really bad version of yourself. Like I know, for me, when I was in a toxic relationship, I

Would you're our friends and family pointed out to you, because I remember pointing it out to you. Yeah, and then it's good to see now that you've left that that you're back to being Anna just.

Like happy and happy visibly and yeah, like you after like coming out of a toxic relationship, you people look at you and they're like, oh, you're back to your old self. And it's such a nice compliment because you do feel like you're back to yourself. I think being in a toxic relationship, you can end up being a bit of a shell of yourself. And I mean I know personally seeing your toxic relationship, you became a shell of yourself for sure.

Yeah, you definitely, Yeah, I definitely did. Remember that time you saw me get out of the car.

Who the fuck is this?

Yeah? Like you you came like a bull, you came in you should we tell that story? I mean, yeah, like Matt, how do you.

Tell about throwing anyone under the bas Yeah.

I mean I just basically saw a side of that that was super angry, like very in his own head. Like it was like I was looking at him and the lights weren't even on. And yes, I knew he had been pushed and yeah, and in that relationship, I knew it was a toxic relationship. But to see you act that way, I was like, who are?

Like, it wasn't me. And that's what I mean.

I had to fight toxic with toxic because it was the only way to like, you know, I mean, survive, or I would have gone into life.

You go into survival mode.

All right.

So obviously we've both put ourselves through toxic relationships and we were saying, we said that we stay in them because we hoped that they're going to change. Yeah, but why else do we get addicted to toxic relationships?

I mean, look, I think we can both agree on this. The highs are super high and the lows are really low. And I think that when you're at those lows, you're addicted to check that high because you want it back so bad because you know how good it can be, and that becomes this addictive, negative, toxic cycle that's.

Almost like a drug that it is a drug. You're looking for that release of dolphins, yeah.

One percent, and you're just constantly chasing it, and you know, when you finally do get back to that high, it doesn't even last long enough to give you that like full you know what I mean, Like you just get filled up and then it's gone again and you're back to square one and you're fighting to get back there.

Well, I grew up in a very loving household, like nothing out of the ordinary, but I used to see my parents argue a lot growing up, So I think that I compartmentalized that almost with how relationships are meant to be. And then so when I would argue, I would be like, okay, well, like this must be how like you deal with this sort of stuff. You don't just talk it out. So I mean, going through that relationship definitely taught me that it's not how you do that,

That hole and into those cycles, into that cycle of but I mean it's you know what, the great thing about being in these types of relationships is that produce the most growth that you can ever go through. Like in hindsight, you're like, wow, I see everything so clear, and you actually look for those red flags and future partners because you're like, there's no way I'm putting myself through that type of shit again, Like, no way.

I know. If I ever feel anxious to rock up to my girlfriend's house again, I'm ditching that.

Soon as I can again.

Okay, So obviously with toxic behavior, there's definitely a spectrum. I think everyone in their own right, is some level of toxic, whether it be a little bit or a lot. And I think, obviously, as we've mentioned, depending on who you're with, that can either really bring out that toxicity in you or it can really diminish the toxicity in you because you feel secure. I mean, we've both spoken about we are very needy and jealous, which is both like they're two toxic traits.

Yeah, I mean, there could be worse toxic traits out there, but yeah.

Matt actually hates it called toxic on so many levels, Like you can't even sit here and admit it, even though he's number one, the most needy guy I've ever met and super jealous.

Yeah, you're right, but like there's worse traits in that. So what if I want to kiss in a cuddle here and there?

Yeah okay, but yeah, so obviously we've both mat like it's funny, difficult to admit it, but we both admitted to being those toxic traits. But what are the other toxic traits that you can think of that might impact your relationships? Would you say?

So?

I have to think long and hard about this. Called up some ex's after them asked asked around.

They were all like his perfect I don't worry about that, non toxic.

Can we go on another day? And I was like, sorry, that's done?

Oh my god, no, But dream.

I think that I find myself doing this And I wouldn't say I overly do it, but I would be manipulative in a way to get something that I want from my partner. I would manipulate a situation without well that's what manipulating means, but.

Without their knowing.

I would so I could get something or something could go a certain way that I want, if it's to where we eat for dinner, or if it's what we.

Were going to do that day.

I will find myself, yeah, putting things into motion that makes them think that.

They want to do that or do that as well.

You know what, Matt, I'm actually proud of you if we're saying this, because I actually know how hard it is for you to admit that. But yeah, being manipulative is definitely a toxic trait, and I know that you're working on it.

Yeah, definitely, now that I've flagged it and we've had this conversation, I've definitely flagged it, and I will try to be less like that and more willing to oph into what they want to do and what they want to watch and all that.

Yeah, I mean, look, I think one of my toxic traits that I also thought about was that I can be a little bit controlling. And I think that's sometimes because if I'm feeling out of control in a relationship or out of control in other ways, I try to control things to make sure that the relationship is going the way I want it to go, which I guess is kind of manipulative as well. Like I guess they

What would you need to control? What would you say go into? What would be a situation?

I mean, like obviously, like in my last relationship, I definitely was with Josh, I was very like wanted to see his DMS or something because there was a lot of girls messaging him. And I think, like moving forward, that's not something that I would want to do. I

Well, realistically, you can't control anyone, Like you can't control anyone, but you can control yourself correct, So by controlling yourself, you can control someone else, if you know what I mean, If you give them that space and give him that trust, then I feel like then they know that they can do you know what I mean, goes If they want to fuck up, they'll fuck up.

And I mean that's I guess what it boils down to. I think I've been hurt so much from being cheated on that maybe in doing these things, I do them because I'm trying to make sure that I don't get cheated on, because I'm so worried about it happening. And I think by me being overbearing in that way, it kind of just pushes people away anyway. Like, Yeah, as you said, people are gonna do what they want to do.

Can't spell trust without us?

Okay, So after all this toxic chat, can toxic relationships actually be saved? Like? Are they worth saving? And can they be saved?

Look, I think it's a case by case.

Some may have gotten way too out of hand and way too toxic, and then I'm not telling you, but I suggest maybe leaving that because you need to put yourself first and you need to respect yourself. And if you're going to continue to try and make something work that isn't can and can't be saved, I think you

Yeah, do you think I.

Really don't think that they can be saved. I really yeah. I think that if you're with someone who is bringing out the worst and here, I think that you should move on and find someone who you're more compatible with. And I mean I think that's.

Where we're a little bit different. I like to put in the fight and I like to see if I can fix a relationship as.

We're yeah, I mean I'm not. I'd definitely like to put in the fight. I mean with my last relationship with Josh, we went to counseling for like three or four months, and it just elongated the relationship. Like me and Josh were always going to be toxic together, and I think sometimes it's better to be able to see that straight up and be like, actually, maybe we're just not right for each other. There's a lot of love here, but that's not enough. I don't believe that love is

You're never going to meet them. If you keep hanging out with someone that's bringing out the worst of you.

Exactly right, all right, So there's so much to touch on on toxic relationships.

Obviously, we've just scratched the top of the iceberg here, so we're going to touch on it a lot more in upcoming episodes. But what are we touching on next week?

Okay? On next episode, we're going to be talking all things love languages. I can't wait for this. Me and that have had so many amazing conversations based around this, so get excited for that episode. It's going to be a really fun one. Also, guys, just a reminder that if you get a chance, give us a five star rating. As you know, we're a small podcast and it means so much to us seeing all of your reviews. We read them all and they're really warming our hearts at the moment reading them.

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Okay, guys, until next time, we'll see you later, you guys.

Bye.