Turning Your Worst Days Into Purpose: How to Thrive Amid Life’s Chaos

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Subscribe, like, all that good stuff. Y'all know how to do it. So I'm with my co host again, my guest, miss Monique LaRue. Okay. Hey, everybody. It's good to be here. Monique, how have you been? I

I will answer at least one question. And so, the others, we will answer via social media channels. But I wanna take the time to actually thank our sponsor for this show, JMH Consulting. JMH Consulting, they, they help people accomplish their dreams while looking their best doing it. JMH Consulting has helped me for my style and helped me feel comfortable, and just feel comfortable in being me.

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Alright. Now, Monique, today's episode is about turning your worst days into better days, turning your worst days into better days. If you've not checked out our first episode from last week, definitely go out, check that out. We talked about a few things. I know what one of my worst days was.

Right? And this may be an emotional episode. Right? So one of my worst days, and you asked me, in the last the last time we were together, what was one of those times? And it was when my mother passed away, and that was almost 30 years ago.

Almost 30 years ago. I know I don't look like I'm 30, but, you know, it was almost 30 years ago. And that was one of the most pivotal points in my life. It was one of my worst days ever. But now that I look back at it, people may think I'm being a little weird or off, but it's probably one of the best times of my life. Mhmm. Mhmm. And so we'll talk about that, but you're gonna also share with us one of your worst moments, and it wasn't 30 years ago. It was more recent. Right?

So once we got the word Well, once I got the word, there wasn't any help going on here. Once I got the word from the doctor that it was that, then, I realized like, okay, I'm dealing with something very different here and I think that moment was the worst and then I had other moments, but that moment just knowing that it was happening was probably the yeah. That was that was pretty intense.

Mhmm. Right? And health, it can be the health of a loved one, losing someone. But losing a loved one is really impactful for a lot of people. And a lot of times, we don't understand how to really deal with that. And so help me understand how you started going through you said that it was a slow process. It was a longer process because of the diagnosis. Yeah. So how did you navigate through that while still trying to show up Yeah. For your mother in the time of need?

How am I gonna do this? And I was doing it on my own. I thought I was gonna get some help. I won't go into that because she might be looking at this, but anyway, I won't go into that, but, you know, once I realized that that I was gonna have to fully just be present for my mother in a lot of ways, I just went into prayer and then just asking God to really show me how, how do you want me to deal with this? Like, how, how do you want me to maintain my own sanity as I'm going through year after year after year and I'm losing her year after year after year and so I, one day just got maybe I just it's I guess it was just spirit was just like you need to enjoy her for every single glimpse of her presence being with you.

So I want you to forget everything else, all of the things that you're gonna have to do and enjoy every moment. So we just started. I mean, I started taping her, videotaping her. We started going places. We would dance.

I would play old records. We'd be in the house because she loved music, right? So we'd be in the house and I'd put on some old records and she just dance and dance and dance and I loved that. And so as the years went on and she forgot a little bit more because she was get really upset because she couldn't remember my birthday and I would tell her, I would say, mom, yesterday was my birthday. She was like, she got so upset so I stopped telling her when my birthday was.

So certain things you do, you start learning how to, you know, not do. Sometimes you have to lie to them especially when they're in this space. You have to tell the stories to make them feel better. This is about them at this point. Right?

So and their experience. So you have to just totally surrender and just be like, if this is not about me, this is about her having the best quality of life she can possibly have and I wanted to be there for that. So I had photo shoots done on her 75th birthday. I just, I just loved on her and all the time she was repeating my sister's name. Have you talked to Cindy? Have you talked to Cindy? Have you talked to Cindy? I was like, 500 times. I was like, mom, yes. I've talked to Cindy.

Even though I hadn't talked to Cindy but, yes, I've talked to Cindy. You know what I'm saying? And so I even got a shirt, a t shirt that say, have you talked to Cindy? Because Lord help me, she was asking me have I talked to Cindy like 500 times. Wow.

But he and the reason why I'm sharing that piece is because Cindy wasn't there. Mhmm. Okay? It was me but she kept asking for my oldest sister and I understood that they had a bond and a thing that was very, very different and unique and I had to get to the place where I embrace that and I was like, you know what? It doesn't matter if she's here or not.

It's my mom's child. Whenever she asked for, you get on the phone, you do the thing. So those are the things you do. You have to give up something in this time to really just, you know, make sure that you have the leg up or you get through it. So

It was like, oh man, your older brother, he's 6 foot forever, And, you know, I know he played basketball. My younger brother is just big for no reason, so I know he played football. And so they would look at me, like, miss King, I didn't know you had 3 boys. And so I was that forgotten child, but I was the strongest. So when she passed away, my brother said, hey, you know, we know this hurts, but don't let us see you cry.

Because if we see you cry, we think all hell is broken loose or there's no hope. Yeah. So wrestling with that as a young man, but then realizing that, dang, I ain't gonna see my mama again. Yeah. And the last thing I spoke was words of irritation. Yeah. Aggravation. Right. So for me, all hell was breaking loose. And so I had to come to grips with that and figure out, like, God, what do I do with this? Yeah. I was blaming God.

You talk about, you know, not saying goodbye to your mom even though I had a long goodbye with mom on her the night that she died. I I went to see her, she was in nursing facility at this time, and something said to stay, but I thought she was gonna be okay. Something said, don't go tonight, stay tonight. And I left and I'm get I'm going there with something because it's it's the thing we hold on, the guilt that we hold on to. And so I left thinking I was coming back in the morning and, you know, I was gonna sit with mom, you know, I knew she was in transition because she was going through the she was going through the phases, but for some reason I felt like I had that night and I went home and I slept and all of that and I got in that car that morning and before I could even make it to her, I got the call, you know, from hospice saying she's gone.

And every day since that, all I keep thinking about is the night that I walked out and I left her when something said stay. Stay. And then I Yeah. And then I had to hear a friend of mine say, you know, Monique, you never leave. You you got it.

When they going through, you you wanna stay with them, you know, and I was like, I didn't stay. So all of that to say that guilt, even, even in this moment, I still feel like as much as I did for the 10 years, I was with her all the loving things that I did. That one thing I didn't stay is the thing that keeps me, like, you didn't do enough because you didn't stay that night on that last and that, you know, you we've gotta figure out what the thing is to help us come out of that place. Because that's a place where we could sit in just like you've been dealing with that for 30 years. I don't know.

Maybe you've changed and that thing has changed over time. But for me, it's been so recent. I wake up sometimes I'm in dreams like, why didn't I stay? Forget all the 10 years I've been there doing all the great things, you know, being there, paying all the money that I didn't have to pay for all this care. And I just think about that one night.

So it's some work. I may have to get a therapist. I may have to see somebody to help me through that part and I think it's okay for us to, to seek that kind of help so that we can get that thing, you know, so yes.

Right? So I was in a low place. I was a young man. I didn't have anybody. So I want to share with people and say, if that is you, if you're dealing with guilt Yeah. First off, understand that you are not the cause of it. Yeah. Right? This is this has nothing to do with you. You're not the cause of it.

The other thing is you have to get help. Don't be afraid to talk to somebody. You have to raise your hand, the white flag, and say, look, I need help. I'm feeling this. Because the guilt is meant to take you out.

That's the purpose of it. It's meant to take you out. And it almost took me out until and at the time, I had, you know, a circle of older men from my fraternity that came alongside of me. Yeah. And, you know, that's who helped me out of that pit because, yeah, I tried killing myself Yeah. Because of guilt. Yeah. And think about this, though. It's meant to take you out. Had guilt taken you out, if it had taken me out, we wouldn't be in this moment.

You know, it's, you know, next month is the month that my mom passed or or whatever. And I hear that story. So what I decided to do to deal with what I was feeling was to create something in honor of my mom on that day, on that week. Right? So that every year when that day comes, I'm more celebrating her as opposed to, you know, thinking about, I'm so sad.

You know, I'm already sad a month ahead of time because I have friends who, who deal with it in that way. I don't believe that's the best way. So I've started offering people to find the things that your loved one, whoever it is that passed love to do. My mom loved to praise and dance. And so in my mind, because I'm a creative, I created something called the praise play.

And the praise play really is a whole music event to raise money for family caregivers. Now I don't know how it's going to happen, but I've already got, music director. I've already got people that are going to come and do this thing and I wanted to do it this November, but you know, since I'm in my in between, right. You know, I'm not working full time or anything at the moment, so I don't have that income to do it. But praise play is gonna happen and I'm going to raise 100 of 1,000 of dollars to help family caregivers and the people who really supported my mom during this time.

So we need to look at things that way. Right? So instead of, you know, thinking about, oh gosh, mom died on 15th November. I'm like, we about to praise out. You know, we about to rock this thing out during this time and we're gonna give as well.

And so those are the kinds of things I I want to tell people to focus on so much when you have this loss in your life. Think about the great things that you could probably do around that to help you not only, you know, grieving is is a long term. You you're gonna feel that loss from time to time. But to to think something bigger and, you know, honor them in that way so that you're celebrating that day as opposed to thinking about the

And so I wanna, 1, congratulate you. And then the lesson in that is that you take that, and we're talking about turning your worst days into better days. Yeah. And you're taking that, and you're taking her legacy on the things that she really instilled in you and saying, hey. We can use this to bless other people and bring people out of their struggles, and we can raise money for different causes.

Some of us right now have missions and have have projects that's embedded in us that we may be holding on to and just holding on to the guilt. It's like we memorialize the negative things and we return to it, you know, and say, you know, oh, woe is me. Now I I look back in scripture, and when they put a memorial out there, it it was to memorialize where god had been.

How what were some of the things that I did to get out of those places where I remember getting over them and overcoming. So I don't wanna just skirt over what you just said. What you said was powerful, magnificent, and if y'all will listen to this, give us some money for the praise play, man. I mean, just I'm just saying, man. I mean, hey, now, you know, when my bank account is set up, you know.

Right. Right. I, you know, I'll I'll touch and agree with you. You know what I'm saying? What's happening? You know, but, you know, but, you know, it's that's something that's powerful. Yeah. Take that and do something magnificent with it Yeah. And touch other lives.

And I couldn't I couldn't really receive that when it was said to me because I was younger and I was like, I just couldn't feel myself with 1,000,000. So I didn't know how to embrace what was being said. And time and time again, everybody says, Monique, you're sitting on 1,000,000. If you create another thing I mean, I've had my attorney tell me I'll just share this little piece. My attorney said to me, she said, Monique, you see Sara Blakely? This was when she first got started with Spanx.

Alright. So I'll never forget this but I was in college and I don't know what they call it but there was some night that I ended up having an experience with God. And I know it was an experience with God because I could it's almost like I could see everything in the room. I had my roommate. He was working on a paper and I was supposed to be I could see all of this.

Yeah. And it it gets kinda, you know, little little eerie a little bit, but in that moment, God, he showed me thousands upon thousands of people. Mhmm. Sees of people, White, Black, Brown, just all kinds of nationalities. Yeah.

All kinds of cultures. And in that, he said, these are all the people that you're gonna touch. And he gave me a choice on whether or not I wanted to go. And people think that you instantly think about your family members and things like that, but no, I didn't. I thought about disappointing God and I said, I want to see this through.

Right? But I would not have become the man that I am today had I still been relying on mama. And so God showed me, he said, I'm gonna leverage this. I'm gonna use this to shape and mold you to impact 1,000 upon 1,000, and then those 1,000 will impact 1,000 upon 1,000. So it's like I got propelled and catapulted into purpose Yeah. Through that moment. Now it's really hard to see this when you're going through. Yeah. And so when people say, it'll it'll be okay. You know, you'll be alright.

That's the last thing you wanna hear. Right? So help me understand even how can we show up for others that's experiencing this?

You you just have to be there for people. You have to be present. You have to be open and willing to give in those moments because for some for some reason they're drawn to you. And so I I said yes. I said go ahead.

Send me her name, information and and I'll talk to her, you know. Yeah. I mean, I do this every weekend, you know. I open up myself to younger people, to come and have conversations, you know, at the lunchroom table and we talk about work and all of the wonderful things. And so you just have to make yourself available to people. So I would say that.

I empathize with you. You know, some people don't know or may not have even experienced what you're going through. Yeah. So to say, I know what you're going through. Please don't say that. No, you don't. Right? So I struggle sometimes in those moments, but sometimes people just need to know that you're there. Yeah. Right?

I'm I'm a phone call away. And in those moments, you know, show up. I mean, I know there have been times where I have really, been apologetic and had to really ask for forgiveness from people where I was like, hey, I said I would be there and you called and I wasn't there.

Right? There have been times that I've seen you get choked up, and I know I got choked up while mentioning these things because there are things that I've shared tonight that I have never told people. And so or I've just told a few few people, my brothers or something. Right? And so I want to, 1, thank you for allowing me this space to be vulnerable with you, but also thank you for doing the same Yeah. With me. And so as we wrap up, I want to give some quick tips on what we share today.

I can't stand when people say I don't wanna get help. People will think I'm crazy. Yeah. You're crazy not to get help.

Yeah. This is an opportunity in the midst of your toughest time. Yeah. Take this opportunity, this challenge and make it into an opportunity. Yeah. So first, definitely, the guilt is not yours to hold on to. Surround yourself with good people, get help, and and move forward in the opportunity. Use this as an opportunity.

Great food. I have the coffee. I have the water. I have the wine, and I have the food. So I wanna thank them, as well. So again, the When All Hell Breaks Loose podcast. I'm Chris King. Follow us on all the social media channels, and like, subscribe, do all that good stuff.