Hi, I'm Laura Kightlinger. Hi, I'm Daniel. What? Our show is called What We Thought would Happen because calling it broken dreams is too depressing. Daniel and I are getting to know each other as you're getting to know us. Do most people become friends via podcasts? Is that normal? I think so. Okay, I hear. Does anybody do anything that isn't somehow monetized? I think. Whatever. Exactly.
The first friend you make that isn't the family pet or your parents friend's kid, because there's always something wrong with that kid. It's always like a forced friendship, right? You're always, like, thrown in with somebody. So there is a girl across the street from us. There were two girls across, three in separate houses and one you wanted to play with and the other one you did not want to play with. And I always got stuck with her because I guess nobody really want to play with me either.
But she would steal from you, right? Take things from your house, and then you'd go to her house a couple days later and play and there would be your shit at her house and then she'd lie to you about it like she was such a bad friend. Or she stole a Stegosaurus stamp. Right. How many of those are rolling around the planet? Right. And I was like, I remember seeing. I was like, That's my stamp. And she just she lied both in my face.
She was like, No, I bought that for you because I thought you wanted to. What a bitch. Wow. That's pretty quick thinking. That's quick on her feet. Well, she. Yeah, she was. She was used to losing friends. Oh, I know. I bought that for you, but we. I guess she was really the only person that would play with me. So I guess technically we were friends. She's a congresswoman now. Yeah, she is a rabid MAGA supporter. Anti-vax babies are racist. Yeah, she's a congresswoman.
I remember my mom's friend's daughter. We were both about eight, and she was on the spectrum for sure before there was a spectrum. We we're both on it. And but she was more obviously on the spectrum, I think, than I was. She bit her fingernails down to the quick. That's scary. That's not a spectrum that's serious, you know? And it's like, what are you what are you stressed out about? At eight, you know, and single moms who are broke and they include us in their stress.
What's there to be, you know, worried about? They would bite your nails down till they bled. And so I didn't want to play with her and I didn't want her touching my stuffed animals because I didn't want her to get blood on my stuffed animal. And I think that's a legitimate concern. I mean, like as a child, that's all you have in your world are your stuffed animal friends. And that was your mom's friend's daughter? Yeah. And did you like her? Not really, because she she came in bloody.
Would you all play? Like, what would you do in. You were really like when she stopped writing her nails. I think I would try and get us to go to the playground or something. So we were outside on the swings or something, isn't there? Your parents can only do that to till a certain age, right? And then you become somewhat sovereign that you like.
Either both child realizes that you're not compatible or that you just, you know, hate each other and a different things and is like right around like the first grade, the first friend that I ever had had was this girl, Cynthia. She sat behind me and would like, always interrupt, just like, kind of rude and abrasive to me. She tapped me on the shoulder and so kind of annoying girl vibes like Leave Me Alone stuff. And she taught me the word fart. Oh, she. Yeah, she would swing me around.
She's like a tomboy, kind of. She's swimming around on the playground and just let me go, right. And judo and like, I'd swing into, like, the playground bars and things like that. She just laughing. And so she's my best friend. I loved her. And then one day she said, I'm moving. And I was like, okay. And then the next day gone, Oh, never saw her again. She wasn't my first friend, but she just was a wild impact. Yeah, she would say somebody farted in the park.
Would. Yeah. That was how she taught me the word. She tapped me on the shoulder and she leaned up after recess and she whispered in my ear, Somebody farted in the park. It's like, Yeah. And then I got over loving. She was. She was so fun. Oh, yeah. But Mr. Hunter was a bitch. No laughing, but yeah, I wish. I always wonder there was no Facebook social media that has brought us together again yet. So I just assume she's dead. Oh, no, I don't know. Like, where is she and who farted in the park?
I don't know. Only thing in those days, right. She's probably like, how bad would it be if she was like, like I went to, like, Facebook or something? She's actually dead and she went to the grave with that secret. If she is dead, I would love for her ghost to haunt me by saying somebody farted in the park. I want her to go. That's amazing, right? Because she's a good friend. I remember my first friend. I met her in first grade, and her name is Heidi. We're still friends.
And I remember this photo of the two of us holding hands in front of a of a row of tulips on the side of our house and just the look on our faces. We were beaming like we'd found each other and we were so happy. You're still friends with Heidi. We can say her name, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does she remember the moment or the photo? I actually not that long ago, just. It was asking her if she had it, but my mom had it, and I think she, you know, lost it or or threw it out or something.
I think longevity is important with people and like friendships because they you can either like hold people ransom for information, even to like blackmail people after a few decades. Right. Yeah, but you don't do like friends don't hold hands. Adults don't hold hands in photos. And unless one of them is a beard and it's a photo op, very Hollywood. Exactly. And suddenly they're holding hands like in the grocery store or in a snowy day in New York.
If you see two adults holding hands in public, they are feigning heterosexuality. Yeah, it's a total ruse. And unless you're super old and at that point, I think you're just holding onto each other for balance. Yeah, it's more it's more of a medical condition than it is like love and support. Yeah, I this is the it's like because I have like tons of photos of old friends.
It's like one of those things where it's like you see a baby at, like a social gathering and everybody holds the baby and you think their baby's never going to see half those people ever again, their fucking life. Like, who held you? Who held me? Do you know? I mean, when you have all these kids that get in your head, like your friends, when you're a kid and the influence they have, and then you never see those people again. Like saying, Yeah, yeah, like I can.
If since then, anytime I hear someone say the word fart without rolling the ah, it's, it doesn't sound right. I'm still friends with my, my the first friend. My first friend. I made two friends. Yes. And we went to our 20th high school reunion, which wasn't that recent years. And but anyway, the funny thing was when we were there, I thought, well, I knew I had been on TV more than the 210 people in my class. Right. Like, I thought I would get some kind of special attention or somebody.
You have to be the most famous person, kind of like triumphantly returning, if you will. Absolutely. As I was. You know, you're a movie star at, you know, this banquet room like it was in a Holiday Inn. And, you know, it was a buffet and really, you know, just cheesy, whatever. Just everything was, you know, cheap, whatever. So I was sitting with Heidi and then the gay kid that I went to the prom with. Oh, of course, you were his mom. He I have a friend like you. He said.
Was he gay then? I'm sorry. Keep interrupting. Yeah, he was. He was, but he didn't know. And then he sat at the table, and then these two other women who looked familiar sat at our table. And then I looked around and all the other tables were packed with the jocks and the cheerleaders, and some of them married each other. And then I realized the two other girls were the shy girls that were also never picked for basketball with me.
Tall couldn't get you pick? No. And I said to Heidi, they said, Oh my God, we're still at the unpopular table. I mean, I was just like, amazed, like nothing has changed. Yeah, I've avoided that. I've avoided high school, Reunion Island avoided, but I haven't flown home for it because I thought I very much felt that was going to be the same thing. And I was like, I don't want to be rejected by the same people that rejected me. Like, I don't want that. I know.
And it's such a shitty feeling because I think at some point when you're growing up and and if there are people who are, you know, brutalizing you or making fun of you, whatever you think, brutalizing is a good word, anything. Someday I'm going to show them. But you won't, because they're the same. Yes. If you think you know you're weird, then you're actually now that you've you've made a bit of a success. Yeah, You're weirder now and that becomes more resentful. There's like, Yeah, it would be.
It would only yeah, there's kind of no way to satisfy that. It can be good motivation for you to try to make something, whatever that something could be a real life. But yeah, I recognize that too. There's like if there's going to be an asshole who ever says, you know, I was wrong about that person, that's never going to happen. It's never going to happen.
We always saw we would only go to our high school reunions if we could literally bring Sharon Stone with us, and then we would do Rails of Coke off her tits in the bathrooms because we wanted people if we were going to be a mass, we want to be out in mass like we want to be would be like, Did you see Daniel at the reunion? He was doing Cocaine of Shrooms and said, What a nightmare. You know what I mean? Like, and the same. Resentful, Like he's always been weird.
Yeah, let's fucking be weird. Oh, that. But never have. Never. And still would never aim that high. I mean, not to insinuate that Sharon Stone is a coke dealer or do or would let a homosexual man inhale narcotics off of her décolletage. But all those things sound fine. Yeah, right.
And in front of all the people you've been trying to impress for the last 20 years, that if this if nothing worked, this will make you the only thing that could possibly be a little bit better than that would be to have Stevie Nicks ground into powder and then snort her up your nose. When did you come out? If you don't do it, would you rather not talk about that? You can have me. That's fine. I don't mind talking about it. I'm a woman of a certain age that it was like you were.
It's at a time like last century. If you didn't say anything, you were closeted. It's right. And then you kind of had to. You were expected to, like, kind of label yourself. But also at the same time, I was ten years old and performing as Carmen Miranda Full Fruit Hat and the talent show. Like what? What about that need to come out of the closet? Do you know what I mean? So there were plenty of clues. But then also I kind of made viral news.
I met President Obama a few years ago because being gay is like basically illegal in Texas, right? Like, it is not okay still to be fucking gay in Texas or a lot of places. And I met Obama. He came into a restaurant where I work at the time. This is pre Supreme Court okaying gay marriage, right? And I said equal rights for gay people. Obama looked at me because it was a weird thing to say at the time. And he looks at me, goes, Are you gay? Where were you?
I was working at a barbecue restaurant in Austin, Texas, and the president was in town. Everybody knew it is a small town, so when any person's in town it's noticeable. So yeah, I was just this cashier at a barbecue restaurant. And then the president comes in, there's all this press there and all these people, everybody's freaking out. We're just fine. Have you ever met a president? No. What? Meaning there? Until that. But it was it was cool. Wait, did you shoot?
I went to an HRC benefit when I was working on Will and Grace. Yeah, and there's actually I met Clinton, President Clinton, and I have a photo of it and will put it on my. We should put this on our hair, right? Yeah. What we thought would happen. So but anyway, in the photo you can see Clinton's fingers on he gave me a side boob hug. Oh my gosh. Was he charismatic and charming and everything that he says. But and it was funny.
He was with Kevin Spacey was who was kind of pretending to on this other female writer. Oh, no. Yeah. That actually is a very interesting, relevant photo these days. Yeah, I it's hard. I don't romanticize Clinton for his predatory past and stuff like that. I certainly can separate the two things. But it is fascinating how very JFK, how people will just gloss over that because the charisma of it all is Kevin Spacey have the same.
Yeah, I was more I mean, as far as meeting to famous men or women, I was more attracted to Kevin Spacey and Clinton. And the only star that I've met that I felt like who had just like this or something about them was Eddie Murphy. Why? Oh, yes. So that's the thing. It's like because when you meet, you have met like all kinds of famous people. At what point is a famous person? Are they like your friend? Or you're like, Oh, we're colleagues, or Wait, I'm just a fan?
Like, because there's a lot of blurry lines in that territory. Like, it's hard to know who's your friend, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I think I tried to insinuate myself as a friend too. Can I draw, you know, just for that? Yeah, that's a great way to say. Yeah, I know. I mean, I actually, I was a huge fan of Albert Brooks, and so it was like, I love the thrill of my life to be in a curb episode with him. And I asked him for his email. Broadcast news is fucking funny and he's just brilliant, I think.
Hilarious movie. The scene where John Cusack is running down the hall with a live tape and she's smashing into like the water fountain. And they're like, they think that movie is way underrated. She's incredible. Oh, yeah. What was it like to meet Eddie Murphy? I'm such a star fucker. I love me. I love hearing this stuff. Oh, well, because I imagine he's really short. No disrespect. No disrespect. Now. It's like I'm. I'm plugging everything. But I was in. I was in Daddy daycare.
I had a small part and the crew came in and they all fist bumped him and I was like, kind of next in line to say hello. So I held my stupid fist down and he was so like, charming. And he kind of smiled because I can shake your hand. I got to see. That's what I'm saying. You're a colleague. You're different. Like you're you're in that league, is what I'm saying. But I think it was just like, No, you're like a kind of an awkward white jackass.
Oh, I'm trying to be cool and mom and fist bump me, okay? Because when I met Obama and I made my stupid joke, he goes, Are you gay? And I go, Only when I'm having tags, which is a very inappropriate thing to say to the president or anybody, really. But it was just some like stock line. It always had. He laughed really hard. And then he raises his hand and like raises his fits and starts moving toward me. And he actually does say to me in life, he goes, come on about me like that.
Because I clearly was like, not I'm the goofy, awkward white person. And like, I don't think you're right, that kind of things. So he literally had to kind of like, give me a cue to be like, Come on, like that sort of thing. Because equally I felt like, I don't know, I was out of place. But the charismatic thing about Clinton, I'm sure it's the same with like Eddie Murphy because like, Obama, like, glows, Oh, I would like to meet him. He radiates, and I'm a tall person,
but he's taller. Wow. Which is hard to do. I don't feel smaller than most. Your 6262 on Grindr. I'm six three. You got to get an inch or you can I usually since it depends on my mood but I think I'm five nine why I used to wear cowboy boots every day because I like a heel and it was new. Yeah, it's great. But ever since I quit wearing boots, I've lost. I think, a lot of stature within the city. No, within within the country. And the tallest people in L.A., by the way. Which is that a benefit?
I don't know. Everybody is a miniature. Are people scared of us? Yeah, maybe so. All the actresses out here are five two. Yeah, people don't know. And I had to stand in a ditch next to this woman who's amazing. I'll say it. It was Regina King and who's also beautiful and. And funny. And I had to stand in a ditch next door because I was so much taller. They can't put her on an apple box. They got to put you in a ditch. You don't put a star on an apple.
Was that. Oh, no. They put you in a they put the can we find a crawl space we have a similar on. Yeah exactly So me just keep bearing or you know just cut her out all together. That means at the end, let's put her down deeper. No deeper. No deeper. Violet Okay. And put the dirt over her as you dig in the hole herself. She'll be fine. I just said I don't audition a lot, but I just did.
And I had to audition with a friend, which is awkward, you know, And, like, you show up with, like, I guess, a colleague or whatever, But I work so little that were more friends than I could say colleagues, but this person, she is like a foot and a half shorter than me. I'm tall. It's not her fault, but she's celebrity tall and I'm fucking freakish tall. And our scene was just weird because of that, right? We're supposed to be side by side on camera, so we're both looking like I'm looking.
I'm a fucking periscope. Do you know what I mean? And it was like, you've got a bug on your shoulder. Well, but even worse, this is your friend, so I can't even, like, act or whatever, because my buddy and that's throwing me off. I mean, I don't know. I never work well with friends because all I want to do is like, knock off and be friends. Yeah, there is a friend who's a flight attendant, and I know him. We're friends, and then we're on the same flight he's working.
And then what he does is he flies somewhere, hooks up and then comes out and he's got the life. But he was like, I thought maybe when we got to the same time, we were like, Hang out or see each other or something, you know? It was like, Oh, we're not friends, we're just gay colleagues. Oh, well, that's one. I guess that's a good thing about being straight is you're never friends with somebody that you find. I know that. I see. I need those kind of lines.
I need like, I need things to be black and white like that. I don't need the nebulous like, do you want to go to brunch with nine people you fucked and one person you still haven't yet but want to? Like, I can't handle that because then nobody's eating right. Nobody's everyone's too scared to eat. What was the first thing you bought when you first got your allowance or when you had your own money? Oh, did you have. We did have allowance. Did you have allowance? Ours is a scam.
Our parents, we got $2 a week in the nineties, Right. Like that's still pretty low. We got $2 a week and then the rule was to teach us about savings. Haha, look at me now. We had about $1 in the bank, so 50% of it immediately went to savings. And then the other dollar that you had that week, I mean yeah, it was a fucking nineties. What can you buy for a goddamn dollar? So it took a while to scrape.
And then I'll tell you what really washed me out was, you know, there's like Fan Magazine, Teen Pop and things like that from like the eighties and nineties. I called one of the in the back that had like a 900 number, talked to the stars. Wow. I would give my teeth to talk to Paula Abdul. No I fucking called the number and racked up like, I don't know, $60 and charge. Well that's a year's worth of allowance. So I got busted. Did you talk to her? No, it was a scam. It was a total scam.
I thought they might have her voice recorded. Not even. Not even close. It was a total scam anyway, but. So that set me back a year. But finally, when I had, I would buy like, cassette singles with my allowance and I would buy comic books and like teen magazines where I would later lose all my money in a telephone pyramid scheme. But yeah, it was music. I buy a lot of music stuff that was that was that's very I think that's really cool.
I mean that you cared about, you know, music and I had to someone had to support Paula Abdul Mariah Carey. They weren't going to do that alone, Right. You know, what would you get? I remember and this was I was probably like, first of all, what was your allowance? And if it's more than my room, a screen, I don't remember. I think my mom just I don't think I have anything weekly because my mom didn't have anything regular. Right? I mean, she well, no, she had she she was always working hard.
She had a job at the phone company and then sometimes she would waitress when I had to sleep with my dad and he seriously, because he wasn't giving our support, he'd have to give her their money after they slept in there And Fox. So I remember she was getting her hair done and I was probably, I don't know, seven or eight. And she gave me like probably two or $3. And I went down to this this which I thought was a really expensive, nice store. It was called Robert Hall. Hmm.
It sounds nice. Yeah, I know. It's so funny because I wasn't there. There's. It wasn't a James way. Didn't remember. Yeah. James Stripling and Cox. There's like some the store names that, like Ring Bells that sounded very bougie but were just not. But yeah. So I knew that the James way and theirs were they were like poor, poor people like us. And then so this was like at the end of the block and it was Robert Hall. And so I went in and I found this shirt and I was and it was half, half price.
And I was like, Oh my God, this is this is great. And I tried it on and I was like, I can't believe this is 299. And I bought it. And then I showed my mom and I was really proud of myself, you know, for getting this bargain shirt. And she said, the tag says as is. And I said, Oh, yeah, I saw that. And to me, I guess I thought it meant it doesn't come with anything else like it. There are, there aren't matching pants. Yeah. It's just that stands alone. Yeah. Yeah. So stupid.
And then I realized that the back of it, like the the hem was all kind of crooked and messed up, and that was the as is part. Yeah. And, but I just think of, like, all the things that I really did. You feel fooled or duped or was it, or was it wearable. I, I wore, you know. Yeah. But I felt stupid.
I mean all the things that I misconstrued as a kid, like, I remember too, like at Christmas, we made plates for our parents, like we made a design and then they came back with this kind of plastic plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I made a really simple design because I thought, who would want just one plate? I want I'm going to have to do this again. Right? She has four, right? And then when I gave it to my mom, she said, Oh, that's nice. It just looks like something a really little kid would do.
But you were thinking simplistically. You were like, Why go through all the trauma of having to do this over and over and over and over again, taking it easy on her? My cousin Casey, who always had a boyfriend when we were kids, she got dumped and was really sad about this boy who dumped her. And I didn't know that word romantically speaking. And so that was like new to me, flirting and dumping and getting to where like the two words I learned at the same time.
But then, you know, like on the roadside, there's like no dumping here and stuff like that. I literally thought that those were like zones where you're not allowed to break up with someone. And what I pictured was you are not allowed to pull your car over and break up with someone here I love because you can't just dump them on the side of the road, right? Like you need to pull over to a better area if you're having an emotional moment. That's clever. The kids are so literal like that.
Like that's how kids are interpret stuff. So you're as is is like you were you still thought you were following the rules, right? Right. Yeah. I love that because kids are dumb. I was a stupid kid. Well, I was in the slow class in second grade. I don't even know what they would call that now. Sure. Better luck next. So you got to protect the president. So what is it? What does that mean? That they. You were in a separate class or whatever. I guess remedial is what they would call it.
Yeah, because I wasn't doing well in first grade. Homework. I wasn't doing homework. I wasn't doing anything well, and I just wasn't getting enough attention. So I think that I, I was always in the smart math class, which is ridiculous because I'm awful at math. Norway's had horrible grades, but I think because I was like, tall and might have been confident, I have no clue why I was ever put into that. Whatever, because everything else maybe. But like I did not shine mathematically.
I loved being in the low class because that was like me, sort of not necessarily a Lord of the Flies situation, but I was definitely I was sailing through it and I thought, This is great. I have no homework, I love it here. And the kids kind of looked up to me, right? Yeah, I see. I think I needed that. Like, I was I was sinking in a sea of all these overachievers. Like, that's what I mean. I needed to be the star.
Because when I wasn't the star in the math class, I didn't give a fuck, so I wasn't trying. Well, I still blame my mom for that because she told me that one time she's rushing and I had really curly hair. I had like an afro. Oh, that's cute. And she was rushing, broke a comb in my hair and just left it in the back and I don't know. Yeah. And so, yeah, maybe it started.
Maybe I started a trend actually in the late seventies and but they probably thought, well, she can't because I can't even brush her hair. Yeah. And she still can't even do we're trying to put a pen and pencil in her hair in her hand. It took me I but also it took me forever to tell time. No, Laura, we are related. Okay? This was the hardest thing for me. My fucking third grade teacher and she's that. I'm glad of it. She on the way out. Third grade, right?
She gave me each kid a hug, and the last thing she said was she I'll never forget. She shook me by the shoulders and she goes one time because I could not understand for the life of me that it wasn't a hundred like an hour was not the number 100, Right? Because that was like the measure for everything, right? 100 that I was in. Everything was in those, like, increments of 100. So to stop at 60 made zero fucking sense. So even I will never forget there was the like worksheet with all the clocks
00, put it on the right show where the hands are all kinds of and I would just leave them blank because there was no 100, you know, and I just thought they were all trick questions or something like that. I couldn't I thought it was a game or something. I never could tell time that was a block. I always suspected it. And then I went to a psychiatrist and he said, Yeah, you have attention deficit disorder.
But then I just that I kind of wish I didn't know that because now it's like an excuse to be rude. Okay, maybe I do want this. I want to all pass like I want a clearance on that because. Okay, I need to go to a psychiatrist. That's who diagnoses you or therapist. I notice this. The older I get, the more people ask if I'm in. Therapy was not a normal question. And now it is a normal question. So like a now I'm. Yes, I'm getting referrals. Thank you very much. But yeah, I would love a diagnosis.
Yeah, I think they would answer questions, but I do think that there is like a privilege you get when you find you're like, Oh, that's why I am the way I am. Right? An excuse not to change. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So that is one of the one of my favorite lines about not being in therapy is like, Well, I'm a fucking narcissist. So like, I the all I'm all I think about. So yeah, I'm reflective all the time. I'm evaluative and analytical of myself.
All the fact that I love to give advice, even if it's bad. Hey, what's the by the way, what's the worst and the best? Or if you have worst and best advice you've been given as a standup in real life? I don't think a standup has ever actually given me like, advice. Advice that direct comedy so competitive. Yeah, but my two friends, Ralphie and Mike, they're gay guys down in Austin. One's a comic, one's a performer and a producer and a writer, but he's not a standup.
Both of them separately are the ones who told me to start standup. Oh, great. And so I think that was probably, I mean, obviously the best advice, but because they were performers and comedians and I know how competitive and kind of non-inclusive that is. So, yeah, I would say that Slash, there's this brilliant Phyllis Diller interview with Roseanne where Phyllis Diller says, some old comic I forget the name, talked about how to introduce yourself to an audience, Right. Which you will forever
doing as a new comic. Right? Until you get to a certain point, you're always having to introduce yourself for years. And the advice was, tell five hot jokes and keep going, which is that's a formula. Yeah, it totally works. And so that is what I've done since day one. But I was lucky enough to meet Phyllis Diller through this friend of mine, Henriette, Phyllis one. It was her 92nd birthday, and she just wanted to have like a few female comics.
Unreal. So my friend Henriette Mantel and a few other female writer comics who I'm you. No, I actually didn't know who they were. This was at her house. Yeah. Yeah. Where was she? Was she in the hills? No, she's more like she was Brentwood. There was a huge painting of Bob Hope when you walked in. Oh, my God. Are you serious? But she did. No, no, no. Like a professional was on an easel because that was the love of her life. Right? And. And anyway, worth thing, we all had drinks, martinis.
What does she drink? I'm so nosy, so. Oh, no, we had martinis, and she had a butler bringing out martinis on the silver tray. And I was like, this. I'm in heaven. Yes. And oh, I'm so jealous. We all had martinis. We toasted, you know, we sang Happy Birthday, and I remember that and many more. And she said, No, not many more. She was real about wanting to die. She's so damn funny. There's an interview where she was like, I'm when it's done, it's done.
And I think she talked about how her family was not okay with that. She's like, I'm ready. She's like, she had, I think, do not resuscitate like there's an interview. I forget where where she's very clear about. I had a great time. I'm on golden time call it. Oh, which I love. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think being that close to 100, you've people feel like kind of push the gusto of making it that far on you. Yeah. And I'm sure at that point, like her, she's like, fucking fucking no. Yeah. Like,
leave me alone. Yeah, I've been pushed. I've been poured out enough. You were friends with Phyllis Diller? Oh, no. I mean, I just met her. I mean, my. That counts. Oh, yeah. And I, I it was funny. Well, she's just, like, was so quick to. I drove there and was doing everything but drive when I'm in the car. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it was so crazy. I was opening this box in the car on the way there with like a box opener or something that I had in the car, you know, a sharp thing I cut myself.
So I'm standing at the door and my hand is bloody. Her doesn't have anything to do with it. And then she actually answered the door and she said and saw that my hand was like bleeding down to my elbow. And she said, Oh, Henriette, I think one of your friends is here. So it's you and I think it's one of your friends area. And and that was I was having Henry at bloody versus the stranger who's at the door with a bloody hand. Love it.
That's really special. Yeah. And then another one of Phyllis's friends who also I think was kind of her character taker. She was a nurse. She took me around to the bathroom and and took care of, Oh, my God, have a hundred million questions asked. She had a night like a really fine house, right? Like a very nicely furnished. Yeah, she was, because she was very she's a lot more stylish than I think people give her credit for because she was so strange looking on stage, intentionally so.
Right. The wig and everything. Like she did that on purpose. But like, she's very chic and very pretty in real life. And so, yeah, Phyllis said that at the funeral, at Bob Hope's funeral, she tried to befriend Dolores kind of or just say something. And Dolores was like, not having it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said something like, No, I'd rather not. She was.
Or was I wonder, was Phyllis like, always like, was the other woman in, like, Bob's life as opposed to just the many other whatevers that Barbara had going on? Yeah. Fascinating. Well, because people forget that he was like, it was Bob and Bing Crosby, for Christ's sake, being comedy giants for a second. I mean, it's 100,000 years ago, but they were like kings of funny, attractive men. I know.
And what amazes me is like that Bing Crosby was kind of known for like for Christmas albums and stuff, but he beat his kids. Oh, he was really a monster, right? Yeah, a total monster. I think he beat his wives, too. And so, yeah, I don't think he's a nice person. Yeah. I think even, like, he'd, like, died on the golf course or something. But I don't.
I think the stories he's going back a mean to the caddy that there's shit Yeah yeah I'm only going out to shows and that's the people I see so it's usually comics and there's a weird way of making friends with them. It doesn't feel like they're your friends. It's like a colleague exchange. Yeah. And then that when your car breaks down, you can't calling it those people for help, and then they're going to use it on stage that your fucking car broke down.
They left you stranded like so that's my dilemma. And like adulthood. Yeah. Or at least in L.A is like, because then I'm just chatting up the CVS cashier and they're like, get the fuck away from. Right. Well, this is like a classic what we thought would have a moment. I was doing standup for the first time at Catch a Rising Star in Manhattan and I was at the bar getting ready to go in, you know, to the main room to do a set. And it was basically an audition.
But I remember standing there and seeing all these eight by tens of famous comics like Louie Anderson and Richard Pryor and George Carlin and Freddie Prinze, and thinking to myself, Better get used to it. I'm going to be there, too, on that wall with my button. Anyway. So when I finally got called into the room, there's probably been about four comics, and it was a weekend night, which you should never have auditions on a weekend night, right? Yeah, because it's just too crazy.
And everybody was smoking and drunk and I was about to go on and the club manager, Booker said, it's going to be another minute. We do have a drop in guest. And I said, Okay. And it was Jerry Seinfeld. He went on for 25 minutes. Why would they do that? Don't they see plucky Laura Kightlinger sitting right there and they know what they're doing? Wait a second. Comics are narcissists. You're saying they don't give a shit about anybody about themselves. Do you remember who was after you?
No, but I was like, I wound up being like the I went out right after Jerry Seinfeld and Phil, What were you thinking? Oh, it's terrible. I think at the moment I was thinking, well, he's really, like, livened up this crowd that you love me now is another one. Oh, and then I went on an eight it. Yeah, four, five. But when you went on stage you're like, I got them. This is mine. This is going to be great.
Yeah. I mean, I'm still nervous, but I just thought, okay, now they're this is going to be easy primed. And I got heckled like this weird heckles, too. It was all this smoke and it being heckled as Who are you? Are you are you David Letterman's girlfriend? Why are you here? And this, you know, all my my great comeback was no, you know, but why wouldn't they like also, why wouldn't the audience give you a chance? Like, clearly it's hard to recover from someone doing 25 minutes.
I mean, how long? What? You're supposed to be 5 minutes, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think they were still kind of getting over him. They gave me a little bit of a chance. Like they're to some. How long were you on set? I had timed out a ten minute set, and then when I was up there, it turned out to be 4 minutes. I was going to say, At what point did you were you like, Oh, shit, they hate me. And this is not. Yeah, well, they happen to have hecklers. And I didn't really know what to do with hecklers.
And then, you know, well, it's so hard to this is like, I don't think people realize hard it is to reset the room or after like I mean I like Jerry Seinfeld was a big name and stuff like that. And so at that point, even just the time to 25 fucking minutes and be like, okay, everybody look at me. Like, here I am. And they have no clue who you are. I mean, like that. But like, yeah, yeah, it's uphill. Yeah, yeah, sure. But you are on that wall now though, and you are with all those people.
Well, maybe not to catch a rising star, but you are in the in the law, in the legend. You're, you're when you did hags we were all, all the comics at the back which was in all was stacked at the back just like watching you like that's how it's done like the whole time. Oh, that's sweet. So it was similarly, there's a small club in Austin, not the club, but a smaller one, and there's just a rent, like a shitty little open mic on Thursday. A great place to just try time and one night.
Not that this is a big deal, but in a small town like Jeff Ross showed up, but he comes into this open mic, everyone's all abuzz and then he goes, I'm telling you, everyone's been 4 minutes and it's that shit bottom of the barrel. Like I'm there to know he's doing good. He does like 32 off. And then of course, there's 14 more of us or we're going up to do our crap for minutes, you know, try to salvage our dignity.
And I disagree with of course, he's killing me because he's a movie star surrounded by compare the relatively speaking, I saw everything. I was like, what a fucking nuts ego on this person to try to kill it in this room of all places. Wow. So what a weird stroke. You knew a lot about stand up at that point to know that that that wasn't cool. I just knew because I had already done my bit, so I felt off the hook.
And I remember seeing my who are like, next on the list and being like, I can't believe I have to sit through this. I would hate to be sitting through this. I also had just heard Jeff Ross has a really good story on Stern about his first roast, first for our club's roast. Milton Berle and Don Rickles are there When Jeff Ross is finally up doing that, Milton Berle is sticking his finger in Jeff Ross's ribs. Weird, which is super weird.
Yeah. And he's just like poking him into Finally, he feels like he has to address me, like Milton, What the fuck? And then Don Rickles interrupts and says, Milton, let the kid work. You remember what that is? Work, you know, or something like that, and just kind of gives him back the power. So I actually was trying to talk to Jeff Ross about that moment and be like, I think it's crazy. You got to work with Milton Berle.
Nobody knows who that is. Yeah. And then he went up on hog up everybody's mind. I'm like, Fuck, I wish I hadn't tried to cheese your dick for a second, dude. Sorry. I feel like it's just because I've been around so many comics when there are still, you know, just good kids and we're all, like, trying and then seeing them, you know, become assholes.
Most everybody, you know, like when they get a little bit of fame or a lot of fame and it's just like, Wow, yeah, I it's not that I don't want it for myself. Same, of course I want the big guys looking at the ocean, but it would be nice on the way there sort of a thing. Yeah. And I've never been in the game that long. But it is interesting once you start seeing people from that trajectory, from like the seed to whatever people bounce around to.
Yeah, because it is sort of like what you look like. You don't get to pick what's going to happen. Yeah, but at least in this game as the lesson I'm learning really fast, it's like you can have a plan or a goal, but you're going to have a really fucked up way of getting there. Like there's nothing about it that you're ever going to anticipate, Right? It's interesting. I think about I've only been in a way for five years. I've been doing that for ten years. I'm like, I see a picture of me.
Then I'm like, That's, look at that shithead. He has no idea what he thinks he's doing. He thinks he knows what he's doing, right? Yeah, I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and then Austin, Texas. So. Yeah, the birthplace of evangelism, right? I watch the church all the time. Jimmy Swaggart channel. The church channels. Oh, wow. Okay. Jimmy Swaggart is a piano player, right? And he's really talented. He's he and his cousin, Jerry Lee Lewis were brought up and taught the thing.
Anyway, he has a booze and drove a grand piano on his stage in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where he asked his church members to tither and abuse it over. Piano costs $300,000 is a it is a house that he plays for piano. It's like, wow, I mean, Baton Rouge, that's like 40 houses. When I was eight, I started taking piano lessons and the teacher was married to a minister and I had taken piano lessons from 8 to 16 and still I'm not good at it.
But anyway, she would make me pray, like get on my knees and put my elbows on the piano bench and pray with her, you know. And she was. Yeah. And then for the lesson, no after. And then she because I suck so hard. Pray that you have some other talent and now you get, you know, to take, you know, to accept Jesus. And then she give me the watchtower. And I think from like 8 to 10 or so, I felt really bad. Like, yeah, I would like to believe I want to.
And then I'd ask my mom to go to church because Mrs. Roman kept asking me to go and she sounded very piano. Teacher Yeah. And she, I think she wanted my mom to go to my mom's like, single mom, you know? That's all I'm talking about. She is backdoor missionary. Yeah. Using the child as the conduit. Yeah. Don't you think that's messed up? Yeah. Like you were played? I definitely was. She's playing like a piano. I know. And I felt guilty, too.
And then around, I think probably 12 or 13, just being Tom flat and having acne, I realized there was no God. And I'm like, I'm not going to even pretend for her. It didn't take much to the first time I had this and I loved and I just like, hang in my uncle too. Like, I like hanging out with them. And somewhere in the, like nineties ish, she just started going to church a lot.
And it was one of those like, I think this really sprung up in the nineties like a rock and roll church where there's like a band and they have like maybe some multimedia on the stage and stuff and like a new construction church kind of thing. But I truly just liked her company and just like going to hang out with my I had nothing to do with like the but it was similarly, it was kind of before I was like, sure about my queerness.
And I'm sitting there in North Texas and there is a guest preacher. And I literally sat through a there's a war out there against homosexuals. And that's when I was like, I don't like this guy. But then the very next thing out of his mouth was, there's a war out there against Marilyn Manson. I was like, This is fucking hilarious. Oh, wow. If I'm in the same category as Marilyn Manson, let's go. Like, come on.
And I argue, like, this can't be real because everybody else was saying it so seriously. How is the music a ghastly? Are you kidding me? I hate Christian rock or any kind or any kind of electric Christian music because they can never get away from the lyrics that are mountains Glory high, right? It's never. That's it. That's some big old high mountain. Yeah. I hate Christian music. Sorry, Dad. Yeah, I guess I associate country music with Christian music, but it isn't always.
And I think there's some amazing country music. Well, it's like I never made friends at church, like Sunday School and all that kind of stuff. I never. I had friends there, but they were usually from school or outside, but I never took like life from church out of that. And I find that country music is sort of the same. It has this weird you mistake it for being friendly, but then oops, the whole audience is full of bigots. I mean, like, look what they did to the Dixie Chicks.
Yeah. Like they dragged them through the mud for saying it's really sad, you know, when comics die, but it's worse when musicians die. And here's why. Why? Because you don't lose your virginity to a comedy. I unless you're like a weird fuck. Oh, we run screaming of you lose your virginity to a Oh, we we lost it to Steve Martin's Let's get small And he goes all that's hysterical. There's no sentimentality within comic because you'd ever fuck to that.
Oh my God. You know that is another what we thought would happen not to be so obvious about it, but when people, when people start, you know, in this business, you know, become an actor or musician or anything, you know, in the performing arts, if I can be. So yeah, it's just hard. Is it? It's an art. You think, Oh, okay, I'll, I'll get on this show or do this. But what it is really for most of us, it's being unemployed and looking for a job. You're always looking for another job. Another gig?
Yeah. No, I was working sweeping floors for years. I mean, I'm really impressed with how that just intuitive you were. But just that, you know, that you were curious about culture and cool things and cool music because I said to stay with my cousins when I was a kid, I was brought up on such shitty music was like, What? Like Molly Hatchet and Leonard Skinner. We all had Leonard skin in it on our notebooks. We didn't know what it meant. I didn't know what it meant.
And I read it in the Jamestown days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you were just kind of like White Rock? Yeah, by default, I guess. AC DC, You know. Yeah. I mean, not that any of these bands are bad. It's just like. But it was really, Yeah. Demographic to be like trash rock, I guess, or what I'm sure these days, particularly government cheese rock, it's like, oh yes, I know. Because I was only supposed to like what my family listened to, which was either like they would always do. There's a lot of Enya.
Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. For some reason that was really strong in the I mean, my dad was huge. And Barbra Streisand shades of Gay or Elton John that was in like record collection was only Elton John and Barbra Streisand, which are I would call red flags. I'm still thinking like I don't remember that album, Shades of Gay by Barbra Streisand. She thought, Oh, that bitch has about one left in her. I guess I want to.
Yeah, I'm not much into like, I want to know where famous people live, but because she's in Malibu, I want to know where she lives. Oh, I know. Well, they call that the Barbra Streisand effect. Do you know about that? What the real is because she made such a big deal about having her property it enclosed so that for privacy that then everybody knew where it was. Then she by doing that people how many people found out where she lived? That's hilarious. They call that the Streisand.
It's funny, I'm reading this book about the romanoffs and like 200 years of the romanoffs, they were just fucking left, right and center. Not an obsession, but they were just these royals who were having all kinds or GSF. Meanwhile, using the, the, you know, they were all sanctified by the Lord, right? Everybody, the Jesus or whatever. God chose them. So the people were scared because of religion. Meanwhile they were fucking breaking all the rules, which I think Hollywood is sort of that for us.
Yeah, well I'm always amazed to and people, you know, are into the ancestry stuff and they, you know, they're secretly hoping that they're, you know, they have royal blood. Right. But the royals are more inbred than pugs. Yes, I it's a surprise. Their eyes don't fall out of the you know, it's like they're there's five families. Yeah. Yeah. I've read there's this really brilliant, but I'm obsessed with the Romanoffs and the Rasputin, all that kind of stuff. But one of the foremost books is old.
It's just called Nicholas and Alexander. I forget the author, but the book shows the family tree. The first page of it is the Family Tree of World War One. All the Royals in Europe. And it's that's like everyone in charge is connected to the tree.
Yeah. And they and they're all related to King George or King George a third but they literally all look in the way they can because it's all based on their journals and their letters and stuff to each other is that they are all brokering marriages through with cousins for money and and power like that. Straight up what's going on Like keep it in the family and more we can fuck on my grandmother's side of the family through marriage, not blood related to us.
But her father died in a plane crash and her mother. Her mother married another man. Those people were married cousins and had kids. And it's like that shit goes down and be a bore or not. It's like, fascinating. But rich people want to keep the money and they'll do literally anything to keep it at this. Oh, I know. Have you seen a new leaf? No, it Is that my favorite comedy? It's with Walter Matthau, Elaine May, who's a brilliant brilliant she wrote it and she's in it.
And I can kind of do a little. That never happens of her in the role of Elaine May. Yeah, what is it, Kenny? I think you should think about teaching. I think you would really enjoy it. People also forget how handsome Walter Matthau was back in the day. I know. What about the show? I'm sure you've seen a face in the crowd. No, I'm telling you, I've Blind Spot. I'm a Walter Matthau was in a basement crowd with Andy Griffith. Okay. Who was handsome?
Some pictures sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he has Ronald Reagan syndrome where you're like, kind of. But that's an amazing, amazing movie. A face in the Crowd. You have to see it. I think it's the Oh, I'm damn like that makes him not sexy to me, right? You know, I know that's not how he was in real life. Yeah, he was very smart. I mean, he's in the cold. I think when he did his show and he found Don Knotts, he just said, Well, I guess I'm going to be the straight man in this.
And he's going to be kind of the star, basically, because he's so funny. Don Knotts, this can be they were real friends, I guess, too. I mean, they're friends, actually. Yeah. Yeah, I okay, this is this might be too or you don't ever talk about this, but. Okay, I know for a fact she's talked about it in interviews that the character Jackie Laurie Metcalf. Yeah. Was slowly styled after Don Knotts eventually like making her a cop. And then, like, she met with him and had lunch with them and stuff.
But Roseanne is sort of like you notice as the seasons progress, as she gets more bug eyed and way more cartoonish in her reactions and very Don Knotts adjacent. Whereas early Jackie seasons one, two, three, four ish, she's a little bit more conservative and less cartoonish. But like the making of a cop, her kind of her problems with authority and never being respected and always wanting it, those were like the chip on the shoulder.
Oh, we're all like a Don Knotts nod, which I love, like on Laurie Metcalf that I always thought, because you notice she's by season nine, I forget your era on that show, but like by season nine, she's way goofy. Yeah, I forget it, too. That seems to be the resounding V of that might be. I may be reading too much into that. If you could tell me what Jackie's hair looks like, I could tell you what season it was. That is the greatest thing I've ever, I tell you.
Well, that's one of my favorite shows. I know Roseanne's racist and has been canceled within the Trump supporters. If I can. Unforgivable, but whatever. But the show in the nineties was pivotal. It spoke to people. It spoke for poor people. It was a racially integrated show. Writing on that show was so much fun because there are so many writers we were all in separate was like eight comics in a room. We were responsible for, of us was like responsible for two jokes for the whole day. Why?
Oh, yeah, basically because that's a high pressure show. Because you're working for a comic. And I think she's known for like annihilating scripts or trying to in her defense, she gives everybody a chance. Yeah, I think she did, you know? And so then if somebody was like, nice to her who who was sweeping outside or whatever, she'd give them a job and then B then have to fire them because they didn't know what they were doing.
And, and one and also Tom Arnold was really nice, like he helped hire some of the writers. And I found out that the writer who was like the head of our room, was a bartender where they're from, I forgot where they're from. He's like Idaho or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was funny, but it was like, you know, he was given all this, right? Yeah. Well, this is fun. I know. I like. I'm so glad. I know.
I'm glad I'm getting to know you and other people I need to go out more, but I need to go out more with a microphone in my face. Yeah, because we can't just have like a natural, like intimate or like a real a friendship without it being documented. Totally. Right. Well, yeah, we're new century. Look at us being on new Century. Well, this is fun. I like talking to you right now. I do, too. When we have to do it now, we have to do everything together. I know, I know. We have a list of movies
I need to watch. Yes. And then, guys, we both need to feel like old movie stars. We need to think about. Yeah. And just like, I really appreciate it when friends help me do things around the house, like, I want to wallpaper the bathroom and I don't know how I loved that. You've cajoled me into a long conversation and lunch, and now you're bringing up the Labor Day. After all of this, I knew there was something else going on. There's always a catch.
Is I wondered with that canvas all over that one piece Dickies suit was doing, hanging over Like that way those coveralls are hanging there. I look good in coveralls. I'm sure you do. Well, I need a waistline. Who doesn't? Yeah, well, let's do this more. Thank you. Oh, listen to us more. Yeah, Yeah. I feel like the what I think is going to happen is we'll be doing, like, you know, big theaters all over the world. Well, that's what we thought would happen.