The Under The Influencers

Welcome to another episode of what we thought would happen. Sorry, I'm chewing. Oh, no, that's okay. I'm drinking. I Britney Tito's is so good. This martini. Love our Tito's. Martini. It's Chris. Christmas. With Musetta. Anyway, I'm doing a well. Yeah. What are we talking about today? Animals. Well, we were just a few seconds ago. You had mentioned a set when you were babysitting your nephews. Are your cousins, your satisfied movie, right? Yeah, Well. We were talking about

how sad Disney movies are. Right. And you said, I don't understand why the fuck Disney movies have to kill the fucking parents. Yeah, or something. I'm paraphrasing. Right? No, I. I was. I was the adult. That was when I was hosting the children's show. About Disney movie. Right. Well, kids, why the fuck do the parents have to die. And. Make it, you know, do something about it? But they. All. All the Disney movies have like, some parent, like death or and, or like for relationship fracture.

I think I cried in the theater at Bambi. My mom was really upset. She didn't know that it was going to be that. Yeah. Upset with I who The movie people. Yeah, well, I was really little. I was probably like four and it was in the, ah, the little, you know, the town theater. And while they were waiting for the film to come on, I ran down to the stage and started dancing in front of everybody. And the audience is clapping. And that's how I started my strip. No, wait, Stop it. Stop everything.

So this is before Bambi? Yeah. And so everybody's in the theater. And what was the impulse in Laura Kightlinger brain to run. Down the kid? I don't know. I needed the attention. I saw the opportunity. Yeah, and there was music playing. What kind of music? I have no idea. Uh huh. What kind of dancing or. Oh, just, you know, like four year old, like, chicken shaking. And the crowd was eating it up. Yeah. So clapping. And then my mom was, like, laughing, and she had to go down

and get me off the stage. Huh? So your stripper name is clearly Bambi? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Right. If you want or be kinky about it, it could be Bambi's mom, that's for sure. Please welcome to the stage Bambi's mom, right? I don't know. Maybe like a bullet wound somewhere in my brain. You know what I mean? Oh. And I also didn't like where it could have been, Dumbo, because. Well, okay, so you said you cried during the Lion King. Oh, I watched The Lion King. It's sad.

One of the few movies. I don't know if I should go to movies alone. It's always like a weird time. Like. Only if you cry. Don't go alone. Yeah, well, I went and I'll be Alban bracing myself if I did go with some guy. But I feel like I went to Lions Club sitting there and just the music. When it started, I started crying. Yes, Yes. Before they even started. On Ba ba ba ba. That stuff. Yeah. Well. I don't know, I guess because I knew what was going to happen. I saw the baby.

Like James Earl Jones is about to die. Lion with the big lion. And I just started crying. Yeah. Oh, because of the music. Because of. Elton John. Yeah. Yeah. And another time when I went to a movie alone, it was the 25th anniversary of Caligula. It was on. Christmas Eve. Right here. And I was fighting with the person I was with. And I said, What the hell, I've never seen it. So I went, Have I already talked about this? No, I never heard this. So I went by myself. Which theater?

Like I said, it was a dark light, okay, Because it was like an anniversary thing. And there weren't that many people, but the people that were in line and of course, it didn't dawn on me. There were about maybe ten or 12 guys on Rincon. Oh, was? Yeah. Stop. Yeah. And I didn't put that together. You didn't notice that too. You were dancing before the movie started. And they said of clapping their hands. They were wanking themselves and their trench coat over like we're.

Yeah, I've been here before. Yeah. I was just looking for Fred Willard. Anyway, so I. Do you think that was ageism when everybody thought Fred Willard was gross for Buster for that versus Pee-Wee Herman was like. It was it was shitty, too, to be busting either of either of those guys because that's what you know, it's their porn theaters are. Showing that Precisely. Yeah. It's not like they were. We did Oswald broke into a porn theater. Sorry. Monty does not like JFK conspiracy in this house.

I'm sorry. The way it was, it was just a normal theater that Oswald broke into, right? Not like. I don't know. God, that would've been so scandalous if they busted him in the in the in the sperm theater. Yeah, that would be great. No, I feel okay. So I go to movies alone sometimes, either to, like, eat privately, you know, in darkness, which I like to do, or you. Go to the movies to eat. Alone. Yeah. There's places where you can order food. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. Not just like, like popcorn, but there's a there's a two hour movie in Glendale. So. Daniel. That's what everyone can do. They can order popcorn. That's know. That's like the diary of a skinny teenager with an eating disorder. Everybody can get. Yeah. I know, But not every DVD can't even go back for refills with, like. I thought you meant like, you could get a meal. No. Well, I mean, yeah, you can. You know, in L.A. diet. Keep that L.A. fit by just popcorn day and night. No butter.

But there's a $2 movie theater somewhere in Glendale, and they should all blow up whatever movies from, like, months ago. But it's always kids in the theater, like. And so I feel like a total creep being alone and crying. My kids don't need to see that. I don't ever get recognized. And every time I have been, it's always been in a really, really strange situation. So I was in the theater sitting down. Well, actually, no, This guy kind of walked in with me and he said, Are you Laura Kightlinger?

And I said, Yeah. And he gives, Are you with someone? And I said, Oh, and of course I was. And I said, No. And he said, Can I sit with you? Oh. So then this guy in raincoat sitting next to. Me. And we got married. Never about, you know, it. Never rains in Los Angeles. That should be like, No, no, it was number one. What's with the slicker? Mr.. I know. And then I feel like he was like, stare like burning a hole through the side of my eye. The sign. Yeah. Or just seeing, like, if I. You know, how

I was reacting to everything. You know. What movie was like. Oh, my God, A Caligula slicker man wanted to sit next scene. Was he just staring at one hand all the time? Like waiting for the. I don't know. I just. I could barely look over, but I felt like I could hear. See, I don't know. I feel like it's going. Are you. Can I get an autograph now? That actually was. Are you Laura coming? Her? Yeah, that was it. I feel like. I'm going to smack your penis if you don't keep. You know.

He once that the man in the raincoat always wants to dick to be hit there's you know what I mean is very straight culture. I just did a show in Huntington Beach, which I kept calling Huntington Beach, and they loved it because, Oh, that's great. I think he's involving MAGA and fucking fagot. Oh, great. Well, because that's all those people are. They're all at Caligula's 24th anniversary. Well, I think it was San Diego and I was really I did a show and I'm stunned that they were so conservative.

I got Yeah, No, no, no. They're like maga conservative. So you turn the crowd around. No, I just accused. I just said I told all the wives that they could have the night off and I'd like their husbands dicks and say, y'all can eat whatever you want, you can have pizza. And I go back to the buffet for to like two rounds. I covered. No, look, you cry it Caligula. Are you crying because the man was sitting next to you? You know, I was just. No, I didn't cry. I was just, like, stunned.

And I kept just thinking, should I just get up and get out of here? I didn't know what. But then I was so invested in the story. Sure. So my heroes, Molly Ivins, and they made a documentary out about her. And like, miraculously, they were showing out here. What of the Lambs or some shit? What's that? It's here. It's like family owned. I don't know. There's one in Santa monica. There's one a fucking venue.

So I went to the matinee, which I think was the only showing, and I was the only person who was, I don't know, not on oxygen. Everybody else there was super old, but I was crying because I love Molly Ivins. They got the part where she was all dying and shit like that, but it was like, Yeah, I can't. I also like it's I don't know, it's weird. A PDA in a movie theater or crying alone. What do people what do other moviegoers hate more?

Would you rather sit next to someone crying alone, or would you rather sit next to a couple who can't keep their hands off each other? Oh, it's. But the crying, like really loud and gross. Oh, yeah. I mean, if it's like, wailing, Like what? It's like crying that where they should leave it, right? Like, and like, all the people are pawing each other, that they should also leave. Yeah. If it's the kind of crying where it as a human, you should intervene. I don't.

I just freeze like, like, like an ice cube. I just. Okay, okay. What if the person next to you is a couple having sex and also crying? That's okay. Then. You're a Caligula. Yeah. Then I'm just like. I was auditorium was concert and the well, several times. But one time I was auditorium was concert on Halloween. And the minute she took the stage, the girl I went alone. You know it's hard to find anyone to go to a I was going to try and buying and ticket.

You're still sitting by yourself anyway so the girl there next to me is a stranger. And the minute the concert started, she starts like weeping to the point of like, one of us. All the strangers around us start learning like, should we enjoy the show or intervene? So like a bunch of sociopaths, nobody said anything. And she left, which honestly was the best solution.

We, you know, I realized like, okay, I was in a vet's office and a woman and her son were coming out and it was bad news, obviously. And this they had. This unknown. That, you know, that's Sophie's Choice. The other. So is it the kid or the dog? And the dog got a tail off. The dog came out with a bath. Yeah. I had to choose Who I love the most. Was the dog always. So anyway, the stupid woman, the kid was a wreck and so is the mom. And this woman said, Oh, what happened. Is she saw them carry.

The dog in, right? Course they can't talk, right? Oh, and, and the mom said, yeah, he didn't make it. Then this woman asked another question. Oh, he got hit by a car. No, you idiot. God, don't be so stupid and insensitive. Well, that reminds me. We were at dinner once at the Tavern on the Green, and as my sisters were, they were teenagers, and we were sitting as the oldest woman in the world and her mother.

And they were all it was also they had balloons tied to their chairs like they were children. It was also one of their birthdays. I couldn't tell you how many, but I bet both of them were triple digits and they just kept interrupting army of their very new Yorkie. All women. Are you going to see a show like just screaming at it? It's your birthday, too. Like, just totally trying to. We were part of the show anyway, right at the last minute, the check is done.

Even my mom, who's not this person, she's like, let's get a cab. So they don't ask to share one, which they eventually did. Oh, but as the old woman is trying to get up out of the chair, she knocks the champagne flute over and it splashes all the way across the table onto her daughter, who's like five all over. And then the woman gets doused in champagne and just immediately starts screaming. It's soaked through to my underwear. Ma. It's so proud to my underwear. Fantastic.

Which was beautiful, right? That was like a gorgeous thing. Here's three people paying fucking $90 for chicken. I love. It. And someone was talking about her soggy champagne crotches. That's why I think there should be adult diaper changing stations. At restaurants. And a microphone attached so we can hear the fucking fire. I don't know. I do think that's like poetic justice where you have to like, like change your parents diapers. I'm not going to do it. They're fucked.

Do you go to restaurants alone or have you? I did. When I especially my first move to L.A., I like to. There's a Thai restaurant that was open till 4 a.m. and they would serve you alcohol. Thai? Well, no, Thai. Oh, no, not that place. It's Hollywood. Thai? But they don't do it anywhere. But they serve alcohol till 4 a.m., which was great. I was like, Nobody. Tell them what's up. It was always like more for the ambiance. But I would go there and read, Oh, sure, a book.

And if I can get shit hammered. Oh, I don't know why I thought that was fine. Because like, you can't read in public alone anyway, but you certainly can't read when you're like not going to back and. You can't eat alone unless you have a book or a phone or something. Right? Then you're a psycho. Yeah, it's just eating alone. I mean, that's. That's really brave to eat alone and not pretend that you have some work to do. Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, my favorite thing to do either when I was, like, drinking at a bar alone or especially now, like, traveling a lot. I just like eating in weird cities or eating at the airport. My favorite thing to do is to, like, be at a bar and watch sports on the TV and see if anyone around me is buying it. That I'm actually invested in the game, too. I mean, I try to clap Butch.

I don't know if that's a thing, but I try to like clap in a butch way or like in an aloof, minimal way because that's what straight guys do, right? But react positively when there's like a score advantage. So were you did you ever watch televised sports with your dad or. Anything like that? Well, he didn't. We would watch the meet like the Super Bowl. Hmm. And then what else is there? Yeah, that was it. We wouldn't even dip into the World Series or any of that bullshit.

It was like the Olympics. A fake. Like that's the Super Bowl because of this guy that I like to work with. Yeah, I mean, there's a Yeah, it's usually some adjacent thing is why we all fucking liked the Super Bowl. For me, it's like shooting on the halftime when it's the Black Eyed Peas, which is the worst like performance time in human history.

But we would always, yeah, My parents had a group of friends and they would get together for like, those kind of, like, majors, like iced events, like they were the same kind of like dangerously Texas racist tropes when we would watch, like the Miss Texas pageant, like, nobody was safe. Those girls were mutilated. Oh, sure. Even by the judges to the other. Women that it was fun. My mom and my animals got kicked out from the live taping for laughing too much. Wow. Isn't that great?

I actually am obsessed with Pageant world. It's fucked up. It's still a total business. Yeah, I'm surprised that. Still. Would you think that. Would be canceled? Would you watch it on TV? No, it's a scholarship, that's why. Because you can't take the scholarship away from the girls. I remember watching it with my mom and the guy Bert, whatever his name is like, that was really weirdly creepy. We used to sing. Oh, yeah. He would look at the. There. She heard that part? Yeah.

Yeah, like. Seventies, early eighties. I don't know what that was. Maybe that was Miss Universe. No, that's Trump. Oh, right. Or Trump's Miss Galaxy or some bullshit. I do. Just because I'm a sucker for a talent category. I don't care what the pageant is doing. I mean, I just want to see ten contestants like, boast some sort of weird. I've told you about this, right? There's a lady with a xylophone, and her talent is how many mallets she could hold. And she did.

William tell Overture, a.k.a What is that, The Lone Ranger or something like that? That. And I don't know. Anyway, she did that shit on a fucking xylophone. The rather odd turn tantrum and then she went at that part. She'd hold up more mallets in her fingers and then she'd do that fucking talking faster. So that bitch lost. And then the next year she came back as a ventriloquist and she had a Charlie McCarthy. That was his name, and she had it. So that was probably number one.

She had another puppet that was a my size Barbie, which was a three foot doll that fucking Mattel made in the nineties that the bitch had herself sawed the jaw into fashioning much like a nutcracker so that I have a bottom drawer on the barbie would move and she did a three part ventriloquist act as her talent to what I think was the fucking song from My Fair Lady Ryan inspiring involved Finally on the Blind. Are that bullshit? God, that is. That is a true loss. The bitch was signing.

Piled it on. You doing more things? Yeah. It was beautiful. We did that well where you were down, she just thought. Hmm. Yeah. I mean, somewhere that should get a trophy. More is more, don't you think? Yeah. Anyway, I love that. I feel like that was a part of the last part of unpolished people. I like that she. Right now, everybody knows how to be on TV. Right through I like that she each time shows something really unconventional like she could have learned to play piano.

No, you can't use mallets on a piano. I think that was her in. Yeah. She's like, Well, I got these fucking mallets and I got this Barbie. What the fuck am I going to do? Yeah, I also, I don't know, I live any, any anything that ends in a crown in a sash. Yeah, right. It's very a what was Mary Poppins when they were like for voting the system, the suffragettes, they put these sashes on and I was one of that till I knew it was like government affiliated. Right. Like that ends the sash fetish.

There is a place nearby that's like a gym, like a high school gym where people do aerobics, They do, they have like they have everything that that, you know, that's in a, I guess like uneven bars and also and trampolines. And in my mind, I want to challenge myself to go there and do the things I couldn't do in high school. Yeah. So maybe we have to do that as a special oh, video treat or we'll. Use like a lab will wear Cavaliers. Yeah. And that way we can trampoline.

Because I could what are. The things. I could never climb the rope. Fuck no. I want to do that now. Okay, But I want to wear rubber gloves. Well, yeah. That may be a little bit of a cheat. Okay, First of all, I didn't think anybody but like, the the high school jock could climb a rope. That was like. That was something like Eagle Scouts wanted to do. Mm mm. Yeah, I'm kind of with you. But, I mean, here we are. We're very tall.

And when I was thinking about it, like trying to do it, how I was told to do it, or how the gym teacher showed us how to do it, I really could have just been able to get my arms up really high and then pull the rest of myself. My ass up. I would have been halfway done, but instead I had to do it like the short jock girls. It just so I never got tired. I never got more than halfway up the rope.

Well, as someone who has never been blessed with upper body strength, I just, like, shy away from any of those things because it's like things you feel like if I'm being like, pull up from a helicopter rescue, I'll drop, you know? I mean, it's like having to pull yourself up out of a pool, you know? I mean, oh, you know, worried that I'll never be able, like, pull myself up off a cliff. When is the last time you climbed a rope? The last time I attempted it, Yeah. Was in junior high school.

Yeah, probably like ninth or 10th grade. So we never we didn't have to do that. But there were also all kinds of things that I would just be last. And usually I would position myself last in line so that hopefully they'd just run out of class time. Or smart. Or there would be like another activity that everybody else had moved on to. So you just kind of like shrug your shoulders and move on to the next group. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think that too.

Like we had like certain things we had to hit, like on the day that there was like the physical day or whatever that was. They made me okay because I'm tall, so they put me in the same like percentile of like all the athletes that were like, whatever, but I'm shitty. So when we had to race, I mean, I was up against like the sixth fastest guys and they ran off and I just exited the race, you know? I mean, like, I didn't cross the finish line. I just ran into the crowd. You did?

Because nobody noticed. That the. Five guys went fast and there was just me flailing behind. Oh, man, that reminds me. I was trying like mad. Get on the track team. And why? I just thought, well, I didn't get on the cheerleading team. I didn't get on any kind of team that was. You auditioned for cheerleader or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was shut down this way. What was that about? I want to get back to the running, but I won't talk about the cheerleader.

Oh, well, they would show us, like, briefly, like there'd be a, you know, senior cheerleader who would show the girls they were auditioning. You know, a couple of cheers. Yeah. And then. Then you're supposed to go home or whatever and work on the next day. And I was just, like, flailing all over the place and just I couldn't do it. And was it something you and your friends wanted to do, or was it something that, you. Know, something I wanted to do was really trying to.

Be popular? Yeah. And so anyway, but so I tried to join the track team and that was like, you know, all these gals on long distance runs. I figured nobody was paying attention. So I would we were really close, but I would go home and eat. And try and catch up and. And I know exactly and not going to say her name. Somebody told on. So everybody leaves running. You go home. Yeah. Because it was like, you know, you have to pace yourself. It's going to be this many miles around her.

And I was like, Well, I'm going to go home and eat out. So what if I come in last? Yeah, whatever. Because it's just like, who cares? Yeah. So this young girl told them. So then I had to give back my track outfit and I had a pep rally kind of thing. We like it as punishment. No, no. In front of the school. They just robbed you or whatever they took you? Yeah, they. Oh, yeah, you did. And your uniform?

Well, yeah, because it was like there was, like, this small little section of kids who had fucked up, like this kid. Who is who was really. Drunk, and he and he, like, fell through this. You know, it's kind of like why we were being suspended or whatever. Although I wasn't suspended, I just had to get back my things. And also, I think I bought my We all had to buy you to pay for that. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, but what's the point?

I mean, like, it's not like you were cheating or something. It's like you were Daniel. I was cheating. Everybody was sweating our asses off and working really hard. I got home to eat. I went home. But you. Got last. So, like you. My mom, and I said, Ah, shit, I better. Get back. On the road. God, I wish I had been ballsy enough to pull shit like that. I think that's funny. Like, shouldn't there be, like, a track team that can can stop and eat and then continue.

To you leave a trail of mac and cheese coming back from. Yeah, yeah, yeah out of my. But so what you did you did track and field or what you were trying to be on the track team. Yeah. Yeah. The long distance. And the cheerleading thing. What else. What else did you try to do to be popular? I gave up on being popular, and then I became the editor of the newspaper, and I was the president of Drama Club. All right? I was the vice president. Oh, really? Drama club. Okay. Because I just said.

You would have been my. Prom date. Damn it, I am gay, but I. Oh, God damn it. I know, I know. That's what it is. Oh, I. Well, I loved. I did go to prom with, like, my friend, um, and I wore a FUBU suit, which is a culturally appropriate, too, but I didn't know it was the only suit that fit me. It was a triple bra. Whatever. Three breasted, which is. Yeah, it's flipping out. Well, because. It could Please FUBU bring it be you is is colloquially for us by us.

Which is like a black owned black made like tux company super so small. Is that like baggy. They had no. Yes I had a few have the logo I know the buttons did and and the inside did but the outside of the tuxedo was just black. Right. With tuxedo. Yes. I had what makes it did. Why was that different than other tuxedo. So I guess it might have been I might be wrong about this.

FUBU was maybe new ish in the nineties, but it was like strictly like something that, like black people wore because it was for us by us. Oh, like in the nineties, Tommy Hilfiger and like Ralph Lauren have these kind of racist rumors about them, sort of. But it I don't know if was true but the logo was the F-you. Yeah I. Remember Yeah. And it would be huge like all over whatever the garment was right. Yeah but the tuxedo I would have problem was very subdued. What color?

Black. Okay, triple bright, which was the point. I was tall and lanky and like, it was the only triple breasted that, like, fit me nicely. That didn't make me look like I was working my dad's suit. Anyway, I don't even nearly be canceled for that. I have no idea what triple breasted, maybe. Three breasts or three when there's three buttons. Yeah. Oh, God. I thought, like, when I've only heard of double breasted. And I thought that meant, like, a vest that's connected or something.

I don't know. I never knew what it meant. I didn't know anything. I didn't even know. I don't know. I'm better terms like garment terms, but, yeah, I went to prom with, like, my best friend and I. And it was like, the recipe for your gay. Oh, like when you go with your hag. Okay. Was your date gay? Yeah. Yeah, but I. You know, back then, I know I'm older than you. That wasn't like a thing. He wasn't. He wasn't out and. And, you know, he was gay. I thought he was stylish, is what I thought.

Because the I'm from the time also where it wasn't like a thing and it was either maybe a rumor or they were just like, Yeah, like stylish or very funny. Yeah, very. Funny. He's very funny. Funny. Very. You hear that? Like where he was then. And one of the clues was, do you know what you're going to wear? Who? And should I go with you to pick out your dress? Uh huh. Well, clues that he was gay or closeted. He didn't trust your style. I didn't trust, you know. And he was right.

He was right to know that. But then he he showed up and he looked he looked great. Kevin. He he was a tall, blond guy, and he had on, like, a light blue tuxedo with a white roughly thing. And I think he was just wanted to make sure we were going to kind of match. But we also went with a group with so sort of like that's another gay signal. Yes. If it's not like an intimate one, one being So. Yeah, two other gals and. Oh, when you go with a group

and there's oh, okay. Yeah. I was like when you go in a group and it's all women, I was like, Yeah, that's a huge. Yeah, it's a mega. Yeah, I think it kind of. You think there was romance in the air? Y'all were going as friends? No, I was pretty sure we were going as friends. And then I thought maybe he was more interested in me. But then there was one year. There was a dildo that fell out of your purse that was interesting.

You know, I went with my friend's younger brother, and this is like my senior year, and I think he was two years younger than me. Okay? And I was like, I'm not going to go to college and be a fucking virgin, right? And so I was really hitting on this kid. He was like, I was 17. I think it was like 15. And so first of all, I feel like a but we I had my mom buy him a case of Blatz just to go with me. And then, and then I was like, Let's do it.

And he was like, well, you know, kind of and he was so cute. And I said, I think one of the magic things I said was, it doesn't have to be special. It just has to happen. Yeah. So then I didn't lose that. So I went to college. Yeah, Yeah, I lost one virginity in high school and then the other virginity in college. Oh, I know. But I went to prom twice, but I went with my girlfriend at the time, which is hilarious. Meg. And we same thing. That was like I went with her.

I think we were dating, but then we all had friends that we all went to the hotel room, right? To get like. Oh yeah, whatever. And we rented it was for this kids mom had paid for the hotel room, which is hilarious. Oh, he was gay. Yeah. And I think his mom literally was like getting the hotel room so that maybe he might have sex with a girl. Like, I'm not kidding. I truly think that was. I don't want you to do anything unless you do it in front of me. Right? Exactly. She was in the room.

Yeah, She was of our generation somewhere else. US kids. I want you all to have a good night. Yeah. So we're in the room, and it's. He's kind of being cool because I like guys. It's my mom's card. Like he could bring in the mom paying for the room, but we rent it on pay per view. The Tom Tommy Lee. And what's her face? Pamela The porn. Oh, wow. Back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And first of all, if you haven't seen it, there's not a lot of sex and there's a lot of talk.

They're very chatty, right? Oh, well, we were horny teenagers and want to just to see whatever the sex looks like. Yeah, and they're so chatty. We got bored and we change the channel, and that is when we learned if you order sex off of Pay-Per-View and change the channel, it cancels the rental and you have to re rent it and start it all over again. So just when we got through the chatty parts of Tommy and Pam, we had to sit through it all again. Oh, like he drives the boat with his dick.

Wait, but couldn't you just fast forward? This was in the day, though. Oh, no, no, I guess not. Oh, we would have had to call pay per view and ask them to advance the scene. But no, that was great. That was my friend. Drives a boat with his. Dick. We well, that was like the horniest thing we got to before we changed the channel because it's not a hard dick. Oh, okay. And then it's actually very cute. They're very sweet with each other. It's kind of endearing. I can't even think of like.

I mean, so you're driving a boat. You don't need to shift gears, right? Like, well. You have saggy balls. So maybe that was like, I don't know. I'm not. See, Captain. Okay. You know. Sorry, Mary, narrow your soil capital. Yeah. I'm going to be so mad if I die in a mass shoot, I'm just going to be angry because that's she way to go. And also, the location matters because I will always bring up some poor woman. Like there was a mass shooting, like a Lane Bryant.

I think that's the main thing in the world. Oh, yeah, right. Like, can you imagine? Can you imagine? It's like, what if you got shot of Beals instead of like, rebels or whatever you say? Instead of, like, you know, Nordstrom Rack? Yeah, It's like you got to you've got to be branded as fat all the way to the. All the way to the fucking end, right? Or what if you're just shop in a movie theater, which is traditional, but you're at some dumb ass movie, you're Caligula.

Yeah. And then you're with like, you're with, you know, slicker man next to you. And then it's like famous comedian Laura Kightlinger caught with handjob aficionado. Yeah. Talk about the wrong place at the wrong time. My friend gave me a signed autograph of, like, some porn star and a bunch of their DVDs, right? As like, a joke.

And I was like, I don't want this shit because I know I'm going to get on the highway and drive home and get slammed by a fucking 18 wheeler and it's going to be like porn addict Daniel Webb dies clutching favorite porn memorabilia. Go to the bitter end or some bullshit like that. That's why I don't keep any of that around the house. I don't want any of that. Those headlines. It's bad enough they show your driver's license picture when you get into any kind of trouble on the news, Right?

They don't. Or they do that I think they do just because a bunch of Gen Z people are in the production of most like local news. Right. All those young kids. Yeah. So they're going to grab the ugliest picture from your Facebook and make that your fucking headline banner photo. I hate I hate young people because they're they're smarter than me now, right? They're not. But they act smarter.

You know, I was talking to a friend of mine and she said that her nephew had never been to a school dance because you, you know, came of age during COVID. And he's coming out here to go to college in Pepperdine or something, or, oh, our side. And I was just like, Damn, that's so weird. Like never going to a school. Dance or just not having rejection up close and. Personal, I guess, or not personal. Knowledge. You got to be more steel than that. Yeah. By college.

Yeah. That was like the the first place of immediate rejection was a school dance, right? Our sort of early, we'd be like 12, 13, wherever that is junior high. And those days, be it, which was very hard to be a straight man in those in your senses, right? Oh yeah. Because like a really good fucking like, you know, YMCA would come on shore or like an office, I would come on and just and you. Just had to hide it. You had to press it, push it down.

You didn't know that. Yeah. So maybe you accidentally outing yourself because you knew all the words about liberals blowing kisses in the wind. Oh, I didn't know. Most boys didn't do that. Sing that to the woman they were dancing with, the 13 year old woman. They were dancing. I was set up. I think, because this friend I always had older girlfriends, high school. And this gal told me to ask her brother out. He was this really shy guy and he was so cute.

He was in what they call the Canadian tuxedo. So the jean jacket. I think that's hot, though. Yeah. And he had always had his hair kind of down over his eyes. And I was just really cute and really just really shy. Mysterious. Yeah. And I, I said, go ahead, ask him. He'll go. I'll go. So I asked him to the prom and he like, moved his hair to look at me. And said, you know, I made. Sure to make direct eye. Contact. He had to check it out because maybe if there were boobs out or something.

But I. Just moved my bangs. And said, you know. Pretty sure it's not going to be. Would you tell his sister really what I was like? Just really, I, I was kind of stunned. Like, was it a setup? Well, no, but I was like, Yeah, I told her later. I said, yeah, he's no, she's what? Yeah, because, I don't know. Maybe she went over it with him and or something or. Yeah, he made a chicken, He made a chicken down. I don't know. Did just smoke Cigarets and. He was one of the low D's we call them.

Why is that where you got Cigarets. No, there's also, you know, the loaded smoked pot and. And Cigarets. Oh, okay. And they were the guys who were also the cutest. And then I didn't smoke pot all 16. I was like, afraid. Wait, tell me, what about loads? Where does that come from? I have no idea. Like being loaded. Or just like a kid that smoke cigars and we. Yeah, the loads or the grips. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the ladies. That's good. I was a little.

Well, no, I didn't smoke weed till later either. That reminds me, I because we're just having this Cheetos break. Were the under the influence or stop with that. Yes tears the that clang who was I. Oh I was bitching about. Yeah. My friend had to go to like he is roommates with a model and a slash influencer but he gets invited all these. Male or female. Males. He's a model if that. I don't think people even call it that anymore because you're like. And you know what I mean?

And he'd be more broad than that. Oh, okay. Anyway, basically he's an atmosphere model is what he's reduced it to, is because he's an influencer. So he gets invited all this bullshit, we just go stand around like wait for people to come talk to him. Oh, but nobody knows who he is. He's just some person on Instagram with a zillion followers. Wow. And then he shows up there and it's like, just so he'll be there. That's pretty nice, right? Yeah. He gets paid for that shit. I'm like, Wow.

You know, Is that like, the escort of yesteryear? Yeah. We got to stop putting our kids out. That's the whole thing. Tell me. About. I mean, but just a little. Okay. Just a line before only fans. Okay, so. Well, then, like, if you put, like, parts of your body, parts of your body are like background actors or whatever. Okay. Yeah, sure. Like extras. Yeah. Yeah. If I have like, one boob thing is better than the other. Okay, so maybe that one is ready for a wardrobe malfunction on.

I feel the camera. Is that and this might be I know gender is not a construct, but do women feel that way about their breasts? That there's always one that's different? Because I don't think men feel that way about, like, their balls or anything. Right? Or even they're like, yeah, this is another thing that plagues women. Yeah, well, I. Mean, God of mean. Girl, what do you go ahead and say what you call my boobs? Yes. Please welcome producer Garrett Sutton.

I just said that you have the tits of an angel. He has. Look at that. And you see what I had to do for a compliment? Here was a beautiful compliment, though. That was. I mean. He might be right. Okay, so now the question is, what do you do if the person next year, the movie theater, is crying or telling his lady that she is the tits of an angel, what do you do? Oh, I would say you're with my husband. Garret. Get away from Daniel. Yeah, I pay attention to the movie right. Under my nose.

You jump right out of my nose. And I didn't see it. Now, I guess. You ever had anyone cheat on. Me? No, not that I know of. Well, but the problem was, I was with someone who already had a boyfriend. That has happened to me more than once. And one case it was like third date, total romance or like the whole like the the psychopathic version of or what do you call that sociopathic version of it? Oh, were you just like total looking you in the eye and making out you're the most special thing?

And then he's had a boyfriend for 20 years. Jeez. Crazy, right? Which I'm like, creepy. Will do. So does that mean we're going to fuck or not? I don't know what that means. Yeah, but now I feel like I. I think I give off a vibe of chaos. Oh, really? So I feel like people are either afraid to cheat on me or afraid to tell me that. Oh, that's good. Okay. I think I really like coat hanger on your car vibes. Oh, really? I don't. I see you. As a tender.

I mean, even though I'm going to say that you're built. Yeah. As my mom would say, an amazing shape. Oh, I think like a it's like a brick shit house. Is that what your mom was? Yeah, She was. A nice figure. I'll take it. But I still think, like, you have such, like, pretty and sweet eyes. Now, you know, I can say pretty, but, you know, I don't see you as being, like, a psycho. But I. Here's what I did once I in about of I'm going to say self-confidence.

I was I was with this guy who always hung around this kind of mousy short gal who was his good friend. And I thought, that's fine. I you know, I have most of my friends are men. You know, a lot of my friends are men are comics. You know, I'm always hanging out with guys. Bunch of. Loads. And so I never thought anything of it. And then I found out that they were fucking. The whole time. Well, I don't know if it was the whole time, but.

Well, the really crazy thing is I had show my the minor accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, and he was one of the really funny actors in it. And I said, Well, have you know this guy that he was always with? She could be play your assistant. Oh. So at one point in the I have him with his assistant kind of fooling around. And then his wife, the woman who plays his wife, catches them. And it's all happening in like real life. And the. Show. And so and then so I'm directing them. I go, Well,

put your leg over him. So she knows. And so I was thinking, then later, when I found out, I was like, Oh, I wonder if they thought that I was like this psycho saying, I'm catching you cheating on me. But I had no idea. That's very like with that Amadeus. No, Titus Andronicus and me. Go ahead. I don't know what where. He feeds the children to the woman. Oh. Bakes her dead children into a pie and makes her eat it, and then tells her that her dead kids are in the pie.

Anthony Hopkins As much as time is good and I will Glenn Close like fucking trying to sell her, like really give the performance of a lifetime, even though she's dressed like a Disney villain. Anyway, go ahead. Fantastic. So when did you find out how long after that? Oh, well, a little bit after that. But it was so weird here, isn't it? I like men. I know, but I like being. And so anyway, here's the thing. While this was going on before this, he was even cheating on me and her because.

It was so. Fucking crazy. I went. Out. I don't have sympathy for her, but that's funny. I know. But I went out to this lunch with this friend of mine and these writers who'd come in from New York. They were saying, Oh, do I know anybody in the Groundlings? And I said, No. And they said, Oh, well, this guy just was cheating on his girlfriend and then was going out with this, you know, another Gramling. And I said, Really? I think I know all the Groundlings, Who was it?

And then he said, My. Name. Were and he said, this other gal that he was cheating on when. Other. Than the other gal. So there's three of you so far. Yeah. And so then I'm don't know that his main she was not, you know, a friend of mine and it's not like I had no idea about those two. So I said do you think that's true about him cheating on me with this gal from this other gal from the Groundlings? And she goes, I don't, I don't know. I So she was upset and, and later I was like, Oh my.

God, you all got played. This is honestly, this is very much there is an episode of the Golden Girls that deals with this precisely. Oh, really? Yeah. I promise. To that are. Three Cheers. It's all three. Everybody but Estelle. Oh, dammit. So what? So some guy had an all going. Digital joint, a digital form act hanging like put a dead body. But here's the thing I like to leave a nasty message.

If I can't confront AI first to try to confront someone in public and I couldn't get him, I couldn't get on in person. So I leave a message As soon as I find out, the truth will set you free and I'm throwing all of your shit out. Yeah, on the front steps. So if you want to get it or as a no, I'm going to take all your shit to the Salvation Army. You got 20 minutes to get it. And I'm like, shaking and telling him this on the phone.

Yeah. And these two gowns that were at this restaurant where I found out that he was cheating on his two gals, like it hurt me. And they go, Yeah, he goes. She goes, I'm going to come over with my truck and help you get his shit. Baja, that's three women stand together. Men are the fucking worst. How long were you together with that person? Hmm? I'm going to say three. Four. You see that fucked up? How long was he cheating on you at that time? Oh, maybe quite a bit. The whole time.

That's insane. See, like, what's the whole point? And then the other thing is, why not coordinate and tell all the women involved so you guys can always get your schedules in line. Right? Yeah, well, he's still with one of his main cheat, but. What do you. So in that situation, if you didn't kill his car and you didn't get destructive but you threw a shit up. Yeah, I did throw most of his shit out. Did you keep anything? No, I think I threw his stuff. Wasn't that great?

I think I put in a garbage bag and then picked it up. He's not that great. No, but that's kind of a good get If you have, like, a window into that, like, activity afterwards. That's good. That's good. Stalking. Yeah. Have you ever gone home with someone who's drunker than you? Oh, sure, but. Yeah, but I always hammered. Okay, well, there was this girl who was talking as her truck like she wanted to fuck in her truck, which was named Betsy. So she'd be like, Betsy wants you in the truck.

Betsy wants you to fuck me like she was telling me the things that Betsy wanted me to do to her and that's when I was like, This is a horrible idea. You're light years ahead of me. And this was in high school or. This was I was in my twenties. We were coworkers. It's like the one time I fucked someone, I worked with. Oh, okay. I'm not proud of it. Okay, well, you can't fuck. I don't like to fuck coworkers because then it's like, I don't know. Then I have to start working nights. You have to.

Avoid. I went out with this guy. He was Irish. He wasn't even Irish. He was just a scam artist and pretending to be from Ireland. I met him in New York and anyway, we were both pretty hammered one night, but I didn't realize that he was like a hardcore blackout drunk because. Okay, so we went to his really crummy apartment, and then I went to the bathroom and to, you know, brush my teeth, freshen up where? And then I came back into the room and he didn't know. I was there.

He didn't know I was okay. And he goes, Oh. Yeah. So what? And I was like, I came in with you. It was like the first time we'd ever seen you. Oh, wow. Yeah. But I went out with him and was crazy about him and, you know, did this a few times. Forget all that stuff. Cameron, let's talk about when in your life you decide this sounds like maybe stuck up or something, but when in life you decide the person that you might be sleeping with or where you say, Oh, this person has no ambition, I guess.

Oh, like for me, it was. Like, you're fucking someone like under you is what you mean, Right? Okay, here's what it is. Because I remember like, okay, I was in my thirties. Yeah. I was doing stand up in New York and I kept going out with these guys that either I met, you know, out at a bar or whatever. And yeah, people don't realize you had to actually meet people face to face for the first time. Yeah, Yeah,

that's right. That was. Terrifying. There was like a month when every guy that I if I went to their place, their mattress was on the floor and, and sometimes there'd be a blanket over the door. And then I thought, you know, I deserve a guy who has an actual wooden door in the doorway. Yeah. And a wooden door or a wooden bed frame. Just some. Like we just need them to buy for somewhere in the vicinity. Yeah. See, that's the thing.

Because when there matters on the floor, there's always two things either by the bed, a tambourine or an acoustic guitar. Oh, right. She's definitely a guitar. Yeah. And that's if that's fatality, right? That's like because you know that at some point I pre during or post lovemaking he's got to pick up that guitar. No you have to sift through that shit. Right.

That's worse than having him like having a fucking guy cause he bought you dinner, having to listen to a dude, play music for you because you fucked them. Oh, no, that's. That's so awful. When I think of, like, in an in your work days, I sleep with someone for a ride home. I mean, as long as everyone my do my part of town. Yeah, why not? My I had a roommate I two roommates once and he one of them had a cat he just picked up.

He brought a cat home one day and had a litter box but didn't ever really change it or whatever. Who gives a shit? It's in the room. Cat was cute, but I. You could hear everything in the house. You could hear everything in everybody's room. So it was like a horrible situation. But I would just listen to Bjork loudly anyway because he he brought a girl home, which was a miracle of all miracles. Right. And I could hear him like, trying to romance her in the living room.

So they went out back and drank and smoked and and sure enough, they were like moving into the bedroom. And as soon as she crossed in there, first of all, matches on the floor, of course, smashed up against the wall right when the beds in the corner, huge red flag. Yeah. There may as well be like trash bags over the windows. I don't even know. Okay. He later turned out to be a heroin addict, so fuck this guy, which is fine. Get here in any way you can, But don't.

Don't skip rent on your roommates because of it. Anyway. The only person I'm concerned about right now is the cat. He crossed over into the bedroom, which I could hear everything, and it went from hardcore. Making out to hurt is going No. And I heard the front door slam and then she was fucking gone because there was like, catch it up to their ears. Like, you know what I mean? Like, he did not. It was just like, the most irresponsible thing is like, what, you feeding that cat?

Like, kind of a thing? But yeah, that poor girl, it was the same thing. I was like, he. I'm surprised he got a girl in the door. Mattress on the floor. Yeah. Let alone, like it says, find one that. Acts like. Catch it to. That's not going to be. The next time he brought a girl home. He fucked her on the fold out bed in the living room, which was mine. Oh, my God. I know. Well, I didn't take it. That was the last day. It was mine. I went to hypnotherapist and I.

And this was the. Did you. Go. Ahead? That the people who can you really, you know, go out fast are not that smart. Oh they said yeah. Like I mean I know notes on NPR that was not like, you know like you're what is that just sort of acceptable or. Yeah, or gullible, smart. Naive, whatever. You're not the smartest. Yeah. The power of suggestion. Right? Yeah. You're like, Oh, you're so Christian. Critical mass, critical minded, so you don't go out easily.

And so I was thinking about that and I went out like before, said the. First time I was out. There, like my dumb ass. Guess she didn't even have to finish counting, right? It was fucking out. Do you? There's video of Pat, I think. Collins you the hip hypnotist. I've got her. I she's in my documentary club. Yeah. About Randy Credico. Because. Are you serious? Yeah, because when he grew up, he grew up in the Catskills, and his parents had a nightclub, and she used to go.

Of course, you know, What was that like? The Whiskey belt. Borscht Belt? Yeah. And you're thinking of this word, the Polish Borscht Belt? Yeah, Borscht Belt. Yeah. So anyway, he said that he needed he's a very funny comic, and he said that he knew at like 11 he needed attention. So much because he faked being hypnotized by Pat a hip hypnotist. Yes. So I was going to say, with your sessions, with your hypnotherapist, not Pat. Did you ever try to, like, check them? No, no, it was a woman. And.

And she's now fucking misogynist to me. Sorry. No, no. This woman doctor is not quite. I hope she was dressed a proper. Floor length dress and I hope she was married. And her husband had a real job. Exactly. Some fairy tale hypnotherapy. I mean, that's different from, like, a hypnotist, because it's like they're doing things that are slightly different. Well, one of them. Yeah, like a slide. Their finger down the crack, and. You, I thought, what does this have to. Do with me going out?

I was already relaxed anyway. But they said, the weird thing is they're still waving that clock in your face. How are your hands at my ass? And the clock is being like, that is magic. No, I love Pat Collins, the hypnotist, but there's like a couple of things there from the age she was from, like, the sixties on. Like, Oh, yeah. Early in the game. Yeah. Yeah. But I believe her sort of. I did too. She was on this.

I remember like seeing on YouTube, like the Steve Allen shows she was on one of the Steve Allen shows. Her delivery so weird and flat, but like, fun, like she's funny. Yeah, but like, confidence. I love the kind of. It kind of me. Okay, that's yeah, you know. Yeah, you do get that Collins Because she's very serious, but like, I don't. Know, I think that's I'm sorry. I think that's another secret to good impression, is somebody that's so obscure from so long ago.

You're not really sure if it's good. I know, but she I hope she holds it because all through the decades, because I've seen like because I believe she was doing a filming, like, for a show. That's why the like because she had a show on Sunset forever. Yeah. Yeah. You're like a little glass of wine. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Did you go ever. Did you ever go to see? Oh, no, no, I didn't know until much later. I'm sure there's a lot going on in the production that I've seen of, like, whatever it is.

But all the people being hypnotized, it looks like a fucking groundlings audition. It's like none of these people are hypnotized. They're all. And it's not hers making them actors. It's like it's L.A. and it's fucking. They're all but on TV, we're members saying, like things with her. I think one of the best late night hosts. And he was. He was just such a fucking great interviewer and he became a director. Garret You know what I'm talking about. And it's such a he still around.

He did such an amazing interview with Janis Joplin. Dick Cavett Yes, I. Love Dick Cavett. Have we not talked about Dick Cavett? I don't. I loved it. Carrie But he knew how to not make it about himself. He was so comfortable and just with everybody. He has a strange confidence, though, because he'll kind of be like, cut. He'll cut up with like, people, you know what I mean? Like, he'll he's like, I watched a Joan Rivers interview with them where he's kind of throwing it right back at her.

I mean, she's a little different. But like, yeah, I don't know, the the Katharine Hepburn interview. Where have you seen that? No, she walks in for like, the light testing. Oh, yeah. And she's all bossing around and moving shit. I don't know. There's lots of, like, gravelly voice, like seventies Lucy Funny about. Yeah, he's. Like. He's like a kid. It's like he because he, he he's into, like, golden era shit. Yeah. The best is Mae West. He interviews Mae West on, like, a weird soundstage.

And the only footage I've seen is, like, maybe 15 minutes. And Mae West has, like, three different wigs stacked on her head. Right? And you can't really put them all together, but they're like, they're different. But they're all happening. And she's you can't tell if she's, like, chewing on like a lozenge or her dentures. She's just roll and something retro, but she's fucking on fire and she's like, You know, he's like, basically coming all over himself because he's like interviewing Mae West.

And she had the greatest like she has so many. Really genius. Quick. I mean, just really great one liners, really funny. I love Dick Cavett. Oh, I just watch Beetlejuice and I forgot that he's fucking the Delia's art agent. He does this weird cameo for like 10 seconds in Beetlejuice, and he's hilarious, very mean. Thanks for being our friends. And I say thanks for being our friends. I learned a lot about you, actually. This time. I know. I learned quite a bit.

And as under the influence there is, I imagine we probably have a big following. Yeah. Oh sure. There's lots of under the influencers out there, right? Yeah. Because who isn't under some sort of influence. Yeah, but everyone should be under our influence. Yeah, right. Wait a second. Now I've got to do a Shelley Winters impression. Yes, I knew I. If I waited long enough, I'd get it. Okay. From Poseidon Adventure. You from Lolita? What? What do you mean? You're driving her there?

What do you. Mean, driving? Yeah, but you got to sound like. You got to get your cheeks full. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. Kids are Shelley Winters. She's Jimmy marshmallows. Yeah, You know what I mean? Hard. Angie? Yeah. You have to have something in your mouth when you try it. Well, honey. Honey. Wait a second. Why are you. Going with her? Oh, my God. That's it. Why are you going with her? Do you suppose you were supposed to spend the night with me?

That's the problem, not with me. You were supposed to spend the night with me. Well, he wouldn't do it. Okay, wait. I need to work here. So the trick to. Being Shelley Winters is that you have to have, like, three rolls of black licorice up in your gums. Yeah. And then talk with the Who is the guy she said had the biggest dick in Hollywood? Oh, Milton Berle. Well, he did. I mean, he bragged about it himself.

Was there somebody else? Yeah. Some weird name or, like, you know, an unspoken, you know, someone who wasn't, like, famous. Famous, but caught that It is a name like that, though. If you want Uncle Milton to have a big day, that's the grossest being, you know, because he has big teeth. Big dick, big teeth. Well, you. Know, I also like when I think of like, sometimes when short guys, when you're like a shortish guy is big dick. I feel like that's like a mercedes in a carport. Like,

why is it there? It doesn't belong there. It's shocking something. It is shocking, right? Yeah, It's something nice, you know, with a little umbrella. Skinny cardboard over. It's like, why? Why somebody stole it. And I know as. Many times every night as many dicks of I've seen every time I see a huge dick on a short guy, I'm a tall person So everybody sharp. But any time I see a huge egotism, I'm, I believe in a God. I think universe can be. You know what I mean?

Because we're all either trying to be influencers or being left trying to get on a plane to Bagram Airport. You know what I mean? It's like, well, there's no in-between. So it's like when I see a short guy with a huge fight, like a Coke can. Dick I'm like, you know, God might be real. I don't want that huge dick, but I'm just happy he has it. Yeah, I'm always, I guess, like, horrified, like.

Like you're expecting, like, you know, a cute little hamster, and then Godzilla comes out and you're like, Oh, no. Oh, no. Precisely. It's like, you know, when someone invites you over for dinner, but you're not really that hungry. Yeah, but you have to eat anyway. Okay? You're. I think you're a lot more giving than me. I don't even go to that. I'm just a little hungrier. Than. I'm hungry all the time. We're still talking about Dick, right? All right. So. Okay, okay. This is fun.

Oh, this is a blast. Okay. See how nice. I'll get by.