Hi. Welcome to what We Thought happened. I'm Laura Kightlinger. And I'm Daniel. And we're here with the extra special super fun mega special. Girl as the. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As Vanessa Mari Gonzalez. Yeah, We've seen her on Comedy Central. I really enjoyed her. As you do on HBO and. HBO on HBO. Oh, great. And you've seen her. She's been touring with Chelsea Handler for a minute. Yeah. Right. On our two year anniversary. That's so crazy. Yeah. But I met Vanessa 100 years ago
in Austin, Texas. Yes. When I was at least starting stand up. But you weren't. You were already. No, I mean, I was in the sketch and improv game. Yeah. And then I remember looking up to you. You were just such a. Force in. The beginning. Yeah. Six foot three that. Austin has such a. Scene. In you and Maggie May and Vanessa, like, there are so many really cool, great people from their comics. There's no industry there too. Like, well, now it's. Now it's blowing up. Now it's different.
But when we started, I feel like there wasn't any outside voice to like, chisel. You down from being your authentic true self. Why you means that there are more managers and things like going in. This is what? Oh yeah. Well, they got the Moon Tower Comedy Festival there now and then. It does feel like a lot more comics are moving there and I think it feels like we're being gentrified. The comedy. Scene, this comedy scene. Needs is some white guys. And. If they can talk about their kids. Exactly.
Yeah. So they're Christopher Columbus in their talk. Yeah. Oh, shoot. Because they. See photos of like there's other comedy clubs that have opened and stuff and the lineups are super. White. White. As a white person, that's offensive. Yeah. But yeah, I'm so excited that you're here. You're you were in L.A., but now you live back in. Austin, right? Yeah, I lived here for two years. I made the big jump and I was like, you know, everyone made the jump.
I feel like I was one of the last or it felt like I was dragging my feet on it because it was hard. It was hard to leave. Yeah, but then I finally did it. And then in 2020, everything shut down and I went back home and have just stayed. Yeah, I was like, It'll just be a few months. And then it just kept on going. But you need it, right? You don't need to be here. And I know. I doesn't stay here. Oh, right. In fact, I'm leaving right now. I'm fucking leaving. Well, it's funny.
Because I'm like, Oh, I miss it. I want to go back and everybody that's here is like, Girl, you're not missing any. People are leaving, though. Everyone's going to New York. My boyfriend just want to go to Hawaii and I love Hawaii. I know. Right in my my fucking lazy asses. Like so you. Just do it. We. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like because my foot is barely in the comedy too, cause I'm, like, slamming, like it never happens, and I'll just open a grocery store.
Yeah, well, I feel like for me, I'm like my foot in the door, but I'm just like, it's just not opening, but my. My foot. And I'm like. We open the door and they're. Like, Oh, no one's out. You got to run. How do. I get the rest of myself. That right? I'm just scratching at the back window. I gave up on the front door and I'm trying the back of the house. Yeah, Yeah. So. But you've been all over the place you did just get back from. Okay, first of all, there's so many questions to ask.
Yeah, because we never really talk comedy when I. When we hang out and stuff. You just got back from a crazy trip to. Spur Spain or Spain. Yeah, I have your your you're. Overseas as. Overseas. Races, ashes. And all that stuff. But that was super cool. Yeah. Oh my God. It was so it was my first time overseas in Spain. Yeah. I've only been to Mexico and Canada. Hawaii is the most overseas. Yeah. Is that over, Crawford? Okay. Yeah. My, my relatives probably think Mexico is overseas. It is? Yeah.
They don't speak English. Well, that's. It's different. Yeah, that's right. I feel like our show is diverse just because Laura's from upstate New York. There you. Go. Well, I know it makes it sound like it's nice, but I'm from actually western New York. Oh, Which might as well be the South. Pretty much. I hope. I just went to Ohio, right? I was in Cleveland last weekend and I totally forgot that there's hillbillies way the fuck up there. I didn't know. Yeah, it was crazy.
Yeah. Okay, so I have a serious question. You have been on a private jet? Yeah. Have you been on a private jet? I know. A couple. I want to meet you. First question off the bat, do you Not you personally, but does anyone take a shit on a private plane? No, It's too small. But there's this fence in there. Is the bathroom Not like extra fancy that is capable. Honestly, I have never because it's usually like four seats and it's terrifying.
It is? Yeah. I always get scared and I have to take, like, a Dramamine and like, five Dramamine or whatever. All the room and the luxury of it. You don't like to fly it, basically. Well, I do, But you know, the little planes. But the lack of poor people doesn't give you. Like a Oh, I mean, that's exhilarating. Yeah. The no poor people. Is nice and all so that you don't have to go like through LAX. That's right. I've just always wondered what the manners are on a private plane.
Like, can you order anything you want? I think there's, like, a scale maybe we've gotten, because when when the ones I've been on, there's just a basket of snacks. That's it. And I usually just take the whole. Basket like rice is mine. Can I use that a bit? Chelsea? I mean, Chelsea is from a wealthy family, but she's probably used to that. She's really been in that situation her whole life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, when someone is has been around a lot when they leave the free ship behind.
Do you know what I'm saying? Goodie bags. I take the free shit. I clear. The room. And even on the private jet, they ask you like, Oh, because it's all an extra row. So they're like, Are. You willing and able? And I'm like, No, I'm not. I'm not willing. Nobody's going to help anybody in this situation. We talk about this. This just got on my like radar, right? Because I'm a tall person, so I always take the emergency row because I'm like. Yes. Not because I want to help people. Me, too.
Nobody wants to help anyone. You just want some room and you don't have to pay for a business and privacy. Yeah, right. So I was getting on the plane. These two were at the thing with me and you bleep your thing. And then the agent two the oldest people you've ever seen on the planet go. You're on an exit row. Are you willing and able? And the man goes, Yes. And then we all looked at the wife who's so old and deaf, the bitch even hear the question, right? So then he goes, she says, Yes.
Oh, then. All of us with our lives get on. The plane. We're behind them. Right? I'm behind them on on getting, getting on the plane still. And she goes, what they say, like they're discussing what the holdup was. Right. And she's like the emergency exit. And then the old lady cracks. She goes, I'll just everyone's going to have to die while I figure out what's wrong. Right. I'm hearing. This. That's funny. She sounds I go, we can switch seats if it's a problem.
And then I realized I had my mask on. I'm a 40 year old stranger to these old people. Do you know what I mean? Like, I wasn't being funny. I was threatening them. Right. Anyway, now I pay attention. It's the oldest people ever, so. Well, you know, speaking of old people on planes, on my on my flight back from Spain, from from Barcelona to JFK, somebody died. Oh, no. Oh, yes. This was not a private plane. No, this was not. It was it was noticeable. No, somebody. Dies in a private
plane is really. No. Well, can you move them out of the seat at that point so you get a better one. So when when we were walking on the plane, I was with my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. And this is a show about bragging. Yeah, I. Have a boyfriend. My boyfriend. And so we're walking on and he's in the pods in the in the front, and he's already lying down on oxygen as we're boarding, showering. So and he's like, fully lying down. And I was like, He doesn't look good.
And so we walk past the pods, past first class to our economy or whatever main seats and whatever they call it. Now we're gonna, you know. Basic economy. Basic is what it's called. And so then we're like, you know, it's a seven hour flight, 2 hours in there like boom, boom. We're we have to. Make a medical emergency stop to our nearest airport, which is Dublin, Ireland. And are over the Atlantic. Yeah. And then they reroute us. We stop in Ireland. They're like, Everyone stay seated.
And we're staying seated. It's like moment of silence. The paramedics come on. They're trying to resuscitate for, like, 20 minutes. Wow. Discreet in that 20 minutes. What is everybody doing? I would think that the plane had been hijacked and stopping it. Yeah. Yeah, right. And then we're in the back and I'm like, What's happening? And we just see him saying, to resuscitate everyone's quiet or on texting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. My boyfriend was posting about it. I'm like, Oh, but.
I know that was how I found out about it. And my immediate thought was like, Well, do they just like, do you get an extra biscoff cookie? No, nothing. We're waiting. And so then they put a curtain around them. They're like, okay, I'm like, Either. He's doing a show or he's about to come out and dance. Oh yeah, That's what started the whole. Where in the airplane was. He? So he the cockpit in the pods, in the in. The front. Like the Red Sea. Oh, the cock. Okay. Like the Red Sea, the. Rich pods
where you know you have a pod. Yeah. So that's not first class anymore. It's something even. Above. I had no idea. There's another on international flights, right? Yes. Where you got a small studio apartment. Yeah, on the plane. Yeah. Yeah. So not only is he dying, but he's rich. He's. So it's a real bittersweet moment. Yeah. Yeah. And then. And he's all he was very old and so they get him off the plane final and then they come and sanitize everything. Cause death is contagious, right?
It's gross. And then they were like, okay, we're leaving in an hour. Everyone stay seated. And then we kept on flying. We just dropped them off. Did they offer any kind of if anyone's uncomfortable or here's a counselor engaged? I was. Like, is the pod half of. This? I'll pay for the half of it. Okay. I can afford a pod. No one stayed at. A bunk to death. Yeah. Yeah. Well. I would have said. Yeah, Yeah. A pod is one of those things where you can close like a door.
Yeah, there's like, a little door. There's a little You can lie down, like, fully lie down out of the way. Yeah. When you're feeling close to death. Right. I think the only time that I was in that sort of a luxury situation was when it was upstairs on a flight. I mean, I guess the. Like, I've. Never been on upstairs. A twofer we did where we had to go to fucking South Africa to find that plane. They don't make those anymore. Okay? Everyone just act like it's
a normal flight after that. Yeah. And then everyone just kept on going, and it was funny because someone behind me was complaining about another old man that couldn't find his book, and he's like, This man keeps asking me where his book is. And I'm frustrated, seated, and I'm like, He might die, sir. Yeah, we're don't. Stress anybody out. On. Who had to sanitize that. Place. I don't know. It was a team. It was a team. And I was trying to, like, get photos.
But, you know, I was far back. Yeah, Yeah. Really? See? Wow. Have you ever been on a plane when they say, like, you land and you never knew it, and all of a sudden they're like, and now everyone stay in their seats while we remove, like, a military body. There's a body in the plane. Oh, no. They were already dead before takeoff. Like in a coffin. Yes, Yes. And sometimes there's usually, like, a family escort or something.
So then someone you might have pegged as being like a really rude, impatient passenger who was being snippy with the flight attendants then stands up and you realize they're a bitch because they're escorting their dead family member. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that was the thing. It's the only way that people behave when we're deplaning. No one's fighting to get out of the seat after the dead body goes first. Oh, gosh. I think they should stage that just to get everybody in line.
Yeah. Check their manners. Oh, yeah. Because people are, like, running out from the back Now, you notice that? Yeah. I'm like, I thought there was a rule. Like, you wait till you. Till you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Now there's, like, a mad dash. They're running.
I'm like. Okay, I. Know. You know, I was just as I remember coming back from Australia, from Melbourne, I'm doing a show and actually it was one of the first times I'd ever been on any TV specials of the Comedy Central thing, and I think they were calling it a world tour, but it was just New York, Melbourne and I think California. The world. Yeah, they're the world in the cheapest way possible. Right? It's Comedy Central. So yeah, this is a great thing about it.
Okay. Going way to do a televised show and then I didn't do that well because I started out with this joke. I was like 24 or five I guess, And I said, I'm a little nervous about tonight because if I bomb, I'll be bombing for two people because I'm pregnant. And then everybody applauds and then everybody applauds. And I said, Please hold your applause. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep it. There's a silence and you can see that. It's like, okay, you know?
So I was like, Wow, I have just bombed in front of a country. I have just, you know, taken international. Yeah, yeah. And I might not even get home after that. I might go straight to, you know, God knows what. So on anyway but on the way that great joke. Yeah. Oh thanks. But everybody's kind of like not talking to me afterward. And then on the way back, I guess I'm sick from whatever. Like, you know, the baby. The baby. The morning sickness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but yeah.
So on the way back, I feel like flu ish or whatever, and I'm way in the back. And the bathrooms are all full. And so I say to the stewardess, I think I'm going to be sick. Can I go there? And she goes, No, that's you know, that's first class I like cause it was just first and then everybody else. Yeah. And I said, But I'm really sick. And that's the only bathroom that's not. I'm sorry. So then I'm like, I have to. And she says, You really can't. I vomited on the door. Yes. Yeah, I threw up on.
That as I'm about to go find it. And then she let you know that she'll let me in to, like, clean up what. I was going to say. And then she recognized you? Yeah. Oh, my God. You're Carly. Now? Oh, I never get recognized. I'd be like, Ma'am, I'm serious. You can't go. There. I just threw up on the door. I'm okay. Yeah. But can you imagine, like, I mean, I could tell, too, that I was just like. I was like, everything was sweating, So. So, yeah. So I threw up on the door.
I mean, I didn't do that intentionally. I was just like, okay. It was an act of rebellion. So then she let me in to kind of clean up. That happened to me fucking church camp. The only time I went to church camp, three of the most miserable days of my life, I never knew. I actually like my parents did. I mean, where you go somewhere, you're like, Oh, my God, I want to go home. I mean. I knew. And it was the last day long story of days of Misery, and it was the last day.
I've been humiliated several times in front of large groups. I've been escorted to the infirmary more than one. Oh, now, these are three days, period. I'm the final. I think I told you this on the last day. I'm tall, so they put me on the back row of the photo right there. Taken a group photo of all 300 fucking Methodists. Right? Who cares? We're all nine and under. Oh, I'm one of the tests. They put us on the back row, and then that's the first row.
So they're trying to get all the other kids in line one or two. Wait, wait. Hot, roaring Texas summer sun. All the people helping us are just moms right there, ladies. They're old Christian ladies. They're. They're overwhelmed and it's hot. And so I'm the same thing. You you know, the feeling. It's like, different. And you're like, something is about to go wrong. And I'm trying to be I'm staying in my spot trying to say no to this old bitch at the end of the line. And she's like, waving me down.
There's more important things to happen. And finally I'm like, Hey. And she's like, She just says, Watch them come over. She's like, I'm sick. And she goes, It'll be over in just a few minutes. And without even blinking, I just turn and just barfed. Luckily, on the I'm on the back row, so turn a bar from the grass. Yeah, but then immediately that lady knew she'd fucked up, right? Immediately. Because then it was like, all set, like for, like. So everything's fine. Like, trying to get.
Oh, my gosh, baby. I'm so sorry. Come here. Oh, yeah. Which is. I feel the lawsuit coming. Exactly. Yeah. Meanwhile, all the other kids are like, what they see that I'm just like. So then that was like the third time I had to be escorted here. Forever. In front of all the other kids. You know, that's the worst. Having to be sick while following rules. What's the word? I read something I want to ask you about now. You were a teacher. You were a grade school or a preschool.
Preschool. You had three year old. Oh, geez, I. Know a. Quarter three year olds even doing in. School. They're just shitting and pissing them so they don't even know. I was like, in charge of the potty training. And my parents, for real, were like, Oh, yeah, you potty trained them. I'm like, No, you're supposed to. No, that's awful. I'm not. But I feel like now I'm pretty good at potty training dogs. And I'm like, I'm on a 30 minute, let's go. Just go sit there. Deprive them. Food. Yeah, Yeah.
They're number one. Like, keep them on the toilet. Yeah. My mom is that they call her, they call her the shit whisperer because she, they, my cousins would send their kids to my mom because she could, she could make the deal happen. Is it fun to be around kids all the time? Oh, yeah, I miss it. I loved kids. I was scared of the age at first, but now I think older kids I would be more scared of. Yeah, I think three year olds. It's fun because you can lie and they believe you. Right? And older.
Kids can. Buy a gun. Well, hey, they're probably. They're probably better off putting their finger in the, you know, where you can get it really hit the trigger. Yeah. They put. A little bit of force. Behind. Yeah. The three year olds in Texas also had guns. Yeah, they're all panicking. Yeah, I was going to. Say. Lord. But is when Like, it's the parents that are scary. Right? Yeah, the parents are, are annoying and that was hard.
And also I had like some teachers that I got along with, but then others didn't like me because they knew I didn't care. I was out. They were like, you know, you're always on your phone. I'm like, Yeah, I'm trying to do comedy. Like, like what would you. What are you supposed to be doing other than that with kids? Like, no, you have lessons to work out with them. And I mean. I'm like, what lessons are three, right? Either, But the shit on the floor needs to be, like, cleaned up, right?
The one thing about, like, people don't understand is that teachers are just having these kids dropped. Off their babysitters. Yeah, there's this. All these really like things you're supposed to fill in that the parents. And then there's a parent company like my kid smells like urine. No, never that. But one parent was like, Oh, my brother's daughter is learning cursive at her preschool. I'm like, Tell your daughter to stop shitting herself. Yeah, I. We can work on cursive. Hold a pencil.
Hey, like she can. What are you talking about? Because in Texas, is it like, Yeah, what happens if you like? The principle is that the number one and I mean, like. Oh, yeah, I mean that we had a hard principle, I guess. Principle. It's a daycare, you know. And I definitely I think the person who hired me, she wasn't working there long after I was hired, but she did me a favor because I have a theater degree and she was like, well, you should have like, you know, a child care classes.
I'm like, I have none. So I was like, I just need a job. And she's like, okay, well, yeah, we'll figure something out for you. And then she got fired and I was like, Well, I'm. So, yeah. Six years later, I'm still there. Babysit. That is crazy. Well, you. Know it to a bit like it in any kind of interview, especially that you can tell when someone has a lot of heart and is kind and kind of an empath. Oh and that's what you got. You know, Vanessa has a really warm vibe for.
So I would think. You know, like, this. Is the real deal. Yeah. You know. You can tell like if somebody is kind of standoffish in an interview or if they're saying really pat things like, I was talking to this friend of mine about what we used to say when I said just to get a job at Ponderosa. I love being with people. Yeah, yeah, I love all lines. It's like, Come on, I know. I had a theater teacher who is. She's this old crone. I wouldn't even call her. We were best. All theater teachers are.
Her name was Mist Haven, which, like a male to have anything with a D in front of it, Right? Yeah, I at first of all, her husband was the resident substitute teacher, so any time a teacher was out, it was him who was the subject that. But it was brilliant because he'd be on, on like finals days and things when you could cheat openly. It was great. Oh. She taught me the phrase kindred spirits, right?
Because she reconnected all kinds of old Vangie levels, but it got to the point because I was late all the time, right? So I'd get into class and to erase my lateness, she'd go, Daniel, thank you for running that errand. Oh, she would cover for no reason, right? For no. Sweetie. That's nice. So we would get into these things that she'd be, like, dangling to see you at my desk.
And I'd come up to the desk and she'd hold up, like, the attendance card, and she'd be like, that bitch in the vice principal's office, and she'd bitch about the staff, right? Oh, I won't. But one time she was bitching about the vice principal. She goes, She was like, That bitch just wants her pension because you just need. Two. Years. Then you collect it, right? And she's like, because she was saying that I can tell that bitch doesn't like kids from day one, right? Yeah, I love that.
And she taught you a pension was. Yeah, she's not me, but she also taught me how to put on, like, wicked witch makeup. Oh, see, I had a teacher in high school that was a total bitch. And if I was a minute late, she would call my mom. Oh, now, every day I'm a senior in high school. I'm an adult. And her name was Miss Gonzalez also. Oh, So my mom would play me her work messages and it would be my bitch teacher being like, Miss Gonzalez, this is Miss Gonzalez. Vanessa Leslie again,
and I think she'll get over. It. Your mom was because. You thought that was funny? Oh, because my mom was always late to everywhere. Yeah. And I'm in. My mom's like, Come and listen to Ms.. Gonzalez. This is misconception. Oh, my. God. I only say it to this day. We're like. Miss Gonzalez, this is Miss Gonzalez. I love that my friends were the total opposite. Because our junior high did it. If you failed a test or a quiz, not a life change, just a random quiz.
If you got below a 70, your name would be plugged into a system and a machine. You'd get robocalls that night because to inform your parents that you had failed. Right. And it was a recording of the principal, Mr. Irwin MATTHEWS, who would mumble to himself. And we always said he was talking to his dead son for all the sons that killed themselves. But anyway, so the recording would go, This is Irwin MATTHEWS. Your student failed a quiz or test and their and their history
and or math science program today. Yes. And then it would click right. So two things would happen. You just try to intercept the phone call, right? So all night you'd be racing to the phone every time it rang. Oh. And then if you happened to catch it when it was the machine, you'd have to make a phone call. Oh, a quick. Oh, hi.
Okay, great. Bye. Yeah. But then there were times you just couldn't write and you'd know it because you'd hear a hello, and then there'd be silence as they listened to the robo call outing your failure. But then hands on, every time I'd come in, he'd come sliding in the room. All PESCO de Prensa people just call. It's a reverse answering machine, you fucking idiot. It's not. It's not. Irwin MATTHEWS automated the. Principal just had to call us to tell us you failed a spelling test.
But he took it so seriously. No. And every time I do, I said that recently. I'm like, I appreciate that. My mom, she was like, Get C's, whatever. Just to get my A's aren't important. And I'm like, Yeah, I should like grades. She didn't instill perfectionism in me, which has helped me a lot. Yeah, yeah. She's always like, Girl, whatever you need to do, do the minimum just to get by. I'm like, Great, honey. German.
You know, I think just teachers in general, the ones that truly love kids are an amazing breed. Like my like Jared's mom is a teacher. She's incredible. Like, she always brings in these amazing things to talk about. Really. She got an actual octopus that was already dead and brought it in to show the kids to be able to touch and look at it. You know, like, I mean, it was in a school thing, but she was. Wait, where'd you get the octopus? I don't know. Like it was some sort of. And now?
Now we're going to have to cut this whole. Group fucking. To market. Did she buy this corona lation? I don't know. She gets. She gets these kidneys. I don't know. What. Right. And. And she's able to. Show the kids. Where you know, where you know the actual what they. Are is. Yeah. Yeah. And that maybe their parents could buy them if they need to in the in the future. But but for them to be able to see it you know right there in the you know and the ice. Cream like it's like.
I guess in a cooler. Yeah. Yeah. God almighty. Anyway, she's amazing and I think she's won like several teacher awards, like, you know. The teacher and the teacher. We found out she won the decathlon. She was just like, Oh, she's like a like a Texas spitfire. But she taught decathlon. She won Teacher of the Year. But we found out it's because she nominated herself. Oh, yeah. Which is the ultimate decathlon move. I thought I was like. She's really doing everything for everybody.
Yeah, I was super late all the time. And the only teacher to the point where my parents out of a conference about it. Right. That whole thing. A Daniels's life is falling apart. Why were you super late? It was like in passing periods. Oh, and it wasn't any kind of like it was literally the bell rings and then you walk in the room. I was because I couldn't get my locker open. Yeah, Mine was never smoking or anything. Fine. It's like the class is far and I walk slow.
Yeah, We never anything juicy. Right? But this one teacher, he got back from the parent teacher meeting. He was a coach slash history teacher, and he. It's hard to take anyone serious when they have a giant stye on their eye. But. Yeah, but he was like, I just came from a conference. I just want, you know, we're all good people. We all know you're a good person. But. But none of this matters. You know, being late in your life is not even going to matter. You're just going to live your life.
Last night, I was at the Rush concert with my wife, and I was like, And then I just lost me. I was like, What? Nothing matters. Now we're at a rush concert. Some history. Please. You know, someday you might live in L.A. where nobody's ever on time. You're going to go to a rush concert with your wife. You don't even know who you're talking to. I'm okay. So you're wearing a Dolly Parton shirt? Oh, yes. And you just. Have you seen her line? No, really? Do. I went with Ralphie.
Oh, yeah. And Carrie. Right? We didn't. Have you seen Darlene? No. And Carrie. Ralphie. Hard to see Carrie. Sorry. I'm straight. Do I need you? Bring it up. I like I'm straight, too. I haven't seen it. I know, I know. I am a fan of her, and I think she's amazing. We went in drag. Oh, that's great. And I asked Ralphie, I was in high heels, and I at the last minute, I was like, Wait, should I wear something? I can run and fucking text it, you know? So I switched to boots.
And then because at the time I was like, If I'm going to enjoy this concert, I need four beers before it starts. And so I was getting drinks when they went to get their seats. So then the old usher led me to the wrong seat in the wrong section. Wow. Which was the Christian lesbian section, which is a thing that you don't talk about. Yes, they were. James. Avery jewelry. Oh, I know. So then there's a six.
Foot three Daniel in full drag, pink dress, blond wig, full makeup, sitting with four beers and. Oh, I see. Because when Dolly asked people. Well, he's trying to be a girl, I. Don't know, what do you want me to do. About it? She had makeup on. Of course, he should be in the ladies section. One of the lesbian Christians looked at me and said, point blank, she goes, Well, I wouldn't have worn a straight wig. Oh, has. Judgment.
Anyway, at the intermission, I looked around and there was Ralphie and Carrie. When you got better seats, then. Yeah. Oh, that's pretty mean to me. You had to pay for them. Socially speaking. But you went to Dollywood. Yeah, well, we just walked around. It was like a quick thing. I think we were doing Graceland and we got to see that. Which I also just went to the White House. Oh, yeah. And it was so lame. I'm like. Looks it under. I think it even looks very. Much like.
Graceland was way better than the White House. It was so lame. I was like, there's no pictures of Trump up. No. Which I Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's wow. Like, they for real were like. Not race because they they. Do the portrait like later. Well, yeah. Oh, but I'm like it was not like there were 16. There must have been time for him to be up there. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was looking, I was like, is he around?
And it was like all the presidents, all the kids that have ever lived there, all the dogs that have shot. And I'm like, okay, the dogs. And then I'm like, There's no. No. I know you feel bad for him sort of on the radio. I'm like, Was it the dogs or is it or is that the Trump children. And. Which one is which? Well, that's the thing. I didn't see Melania. I didn't see a. Baron of. None. And I was like, Oh,
that's embarrassing. Is Hillary. Maybe you can take I was thinking maybe you can take down the president that was ousted before you. You know what I mean? Like, Oh, yeah. I don't know. I'm like, if we're taking down criminals, then we need to take down some of the other. That's the rule. Yeah. Vanessa was Biden and it was. Yeah, there was Biden pictures and Jill and Joe with the dog. Like, very family. The dog. Bites. I love the dog. Bites, but. I wanted to meet her.
Because my dog bit my dead dog. He beat everybody. Did he. Beat you? No, Never. Yeah. Sweet time you took care of. I did. Yeah, I did. Like the dog is consciousness. Exactly. Yeah. Let's fight all of these assholes. This is not. Cool. We're never doing anything for. Right? It's not. A real. It's an anime character there to. Represent. To represent empathy. And did they ever using Grady? Did they remove him from the White House, though? Right. Because he bit so many people.
I think they were talking about it. I don't know if they did. But he has a biting dog name, right? It's like Scout or bandit or. Right. But those pictures of him up and not Trump. Oh, trying. Funny. But I was just like, you know, I think it's hilarious. But I'm like, I'm sure his followers come and take issue with. That. Somebody. Right? Yeah, I'm sure every day there's like some tour guide who has to hear. The where's the Trump. Vote, right? You know, on January six, maybe they took all of it.
Stole the photo. Yeah. So is there something. The the president has to sit for the portrait, Right. Did they do. That? So yeah. Yeah. I saw one of of Reagan and that they forgot to paint his wedding ring on. Oh my. God. Well, he wasn't wearing it. And instead of adding it on they just said or he. Forgot to put it on. Now. So great. But he takes it off for 2 seconds to go to a bar. And right then it was.
And that they asked Nancy if she wanted it like for them to paint it on because it's a painting. They said yes. And she was like, No, that's fine. This is my favorite. I didn't make this. But what is Ronald Reagan's pick up line at a bar? Well. Do I come here often? And isn't that great? I love that joke. Right? All that stuff. So wait, so there's a ring. This Ronald Reagan. Yeah. In the White House. And then Obama's Michelle was there.
Hers is. Gorgeous. Yeah. I took a picture with her and then the rest I was like, not bothered. We were in D.C. doing shows and it was like and my boyfriend went as a kid, like, everyone's family takes in their kids and he was like, Our parents are acting like it's the biggest deal in the world and everyone's fucking border shit, right? But when we were in D.C., a woman had been struck by lightning and killed. Oh, jeez. Yeah, in D.C.. I know. Yeah. So then everybody, the security was heightened.
I was like, against lightning and word. What's the plan? But they got to the Capitol that day, right? Well, they sure did. I started a podcast, was right before pandemic, so I gave up on it, but I had people over. And then at the very end, I would sign a piece of paper over, go, okay, now draw my portrait. And most people would be game for it. But Martha Kelly went into a like anxiety scale. She was like, I can't draw. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I can't do that. Oh, she's amazing.
She's also from Austin, right? Yeah, absolutely. I'm sorry. I'm found. Out. Martha. Yeah, I'm on the. I had a and I actually used this on the minor accomplishments of Jackie Woodman. My mom sent me all of my stuff from childhood, and there was an assignment to draw yourself as a kid. And I have to show you when we take a break, I have to show you how I drew myself. I would love to. It's really mind blowing. What is it? Describe it. I want you to see it and then we'll. And then we'll discuss it.
Okay? Yeah. Okay. I drew Paula Abdul when I was a kid. There are all these drawings and Paula Abdul, it's like her in a tight ponytail and a mole, you know, and, like, different costumes. That was like, I don't think I ever drew myself. I think mine kind of look like the Mona Lisa is what? Like, I remember, like, a really bad Mona Lisa myself. And what how old were you then? Probably like 17. Eight. Oh, okay. So it was a serious art class. It was growing number. This always makes me laugh.
This is my favorite things ever. Do you remember the lady? I forget where this was, but there was, like, the fresco, right? The painting on the wall that was centuries old and it was the face of Jesus had been, like, worn away. So this random lady just decided to etch it in and fix. And then she'd gone overboard and ruined it. And he looked like a capuchin monkey. Wow. It's the funniest thing ever. Like the before. Is it better than that? Right.
And then she's like, she's blurred and smeared these features and that he just looks like a like a tiny circus animal. I like that. Like, you know, in a monkey, just like a bellhop. Yeah, it's like that. When you never question anything. If this is this person wants to do that. This is amazing. Yes. Please restore it. It's people have. This weird intuition or this weird feeling that they're helping the world. Yeah. I don't do you for that. While. Yeah. I feel like my existence is a blight. No.
Are you kidding me? If you say, Yeah. Welcome to bother us. Oh, okay. So you've been touring like crazy? Yeah. Do you like touring? Oh, yeah. It's fun. I mean, it's definitely funner to tour opening for Chelsea Handler than by myself. Well. You're right. Yeah. Like, I'm not. I'm private Jet. I got to take, you know, the Greyhound and all that, but it's so fun and we get along so well. Like, that's the best part is that we're like, we mesh well.
Yeah, yeah but the travel and all that bullshit you like. Oh, yeah. I mean, it is exhausting, but I. Every comic I know is exhausted. Oh, yeah, Yeah. And we're, it's like we're all tired. And if you're tired, you're doing something. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Why don't we not tired? I mean, I. Don't do anything and I'm. Tired, you. Two. I bought myself. Boyfriend said that the other. He's like, You're always tired. I was like, I'm a bit busy. I know. I joke with Chelsea. I'm like,
I work 20 minutes a night. Him braid. Hey, we. Dissect that just for a second, though, because I. What goes into it, you. Know, because the mental level, at least for me. Can you go all over the place all day and then focus and do a good 20 minutes. Yeah. I've gotten used to it because she's, you know, we'll have dinner, we have drinks. We have also learned to like, we both have good shows when we're in little a few drinks then. Sure. So now it's like, ah. Yeah, like.
That. Way I always have to. Yeah. Like we loosen up and stuff. Now I've gotten there. In the beginning I was like, I need to prep, but I've gotten used to it. And that has also changed for me. I used to be like, I'm sweaty pacing. Yeah, yeah, I have to write my set all day. All day? Yeah, yeah. And just really in the last year that melted away. Yeah. It's hard to, like, just go out cold. You're the first one. Is that like. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Is that just you? Right. Yes. Yeah.
And so I'm sure when I first saw Margaret was the first time I learned there was an opener. Oh, it was. In 2002. So the theater gets dark and everyone's like, Oh my gosh, she's about to walk on the stage. And then her Oprah comes out and you hear the audience go. Oh, yeah, I know. And so I. You know, yeah, I mean, I get that. Yeah. And but I do enjoy the like, I know you're going to like me. Most of you will not hate me by the end of it, right? Yeah. That little task. I enjoy that.
And I'm sure Margaret has awesome crowds. Oh, it's embedded. Yeah, her crowds are amazing. But then, like, I don't know, we did a club a couple of clubs last year where we were like, It's one of those. We're like, Oh shit, there's conservative people here. Yeah, Isn't that even for Chelsea? So what. Is that. Like? It's so because, you know, we'll do the casinos and stuff. Yes, like in the casinos, I think, like if you're staying there, they're like, Here's free tickets to a comedy show.
And like, they don't know. Yeah, but we've had like, MAGA hats in the front row and. You're like, What the. Fuck? And it's like, you are in the wrong room. Yeah. Like you're in the wrong room. We just did the Niagara Casino. Oh, How was it? It was. It was fun. But the first show, I'm used to it now, right? So you know what to expect. You're like, just whatever. But it was this weird theater seating where. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. And I walked out and just I don't normally say this, but I was like, I'm just a fag from Texas. Which I don't. Normally. Say that. That's what I say. I steal Vanessa's opener and immediately this dude right here because right there it's a graduated what do you call it? Stadium seating. Yes. Yes. So the guys at eye level and I I'm from Texas and before anyone can say anything he goes wrong stage body out the job right. So then I'm like, no, I'm actually on the right stage.
You're in the wrong state. Then the whole place erupts in this crazy like applause, like I just won some huge battle. Yeah, it's like, All right. I saw Joan Rivers in a casino. That's incredible. It was wild. The fact that you saw three times, that's credible. And once we thought, okay, Laura has left the building. And I need. Your professional to describe. It and describe exactly how I how I. Let's see, I must have been so excited. No, I can't wait. For it was kindergarten. Really?
Oh, yeah. So how do you think. What do I think of myself here? You can, even if you want to read this. Okay. Because I really. This is Laura's book, okay? So I want to own. My God. Okay. In September, I asked your child to draw himself. Yesterday, I respected the same inch. Oh, I repeated the same instructions. Please note the comparison. What do I do? I got their. Testicles. You look like a dick. I look like you. Look like an erect penis sitting on top of two. That is exactly right. Hold on.
I want. To show that how. I drew myself. Okay. And first of all, people. This is on Manila paper. Thank you. I don't like everyone's wearing laughing. Oh, paper. I beg your pardon? Again, it's like. There's a clear green shaft. A hard green shaft with Vantage at the top. Yeah, Or is that hair that's here. There's a face. There is a face on top. No, you're not. Want? No, no. Serious one. It's a dick hole. Oh, Lord, We have to bleep this whole thing.
Isn't there to make to make a real empath and and kindergarten teacher. I mean, preschool teacher laugh at Drew. Myself and Louise should wait. Did you see the bitch? The grade? She got fair. That's great. She wrote. Did you see there? It was fair. On. Title. Oh, right. Yeah. Not in. I need to call in the parent because that's the difference between you young kids. And when I grew up, I drew myself as a pianist and nobody gave a shit.
They just gave me a bad grade, and everybody else would have called their parent in. Like, I think a kid might a Oh, my, great. Well, first of all, I drew shoes like circles. Okay, that's the ball's in that picture. Yeah. So that I feel like it's. Me where she is. Okay. Yeah, but it looks exactly like a peanut. I seen. This. Yeah, this. If you. If a kid drew this today. Yeah, that would be several meeting. Yeah, the parents would be arrested. But you would be tik-tok sensation.
It would be a church camp involved. Yeah. So at the top of it is written height and weight. That's your height and weight. You were 40 inches and 46 and three quarters inches and your weight was just a simple 46. Oh. More look at what you've ballooned to. Now I am a. You're like a 96 now. I the fact that I'm so glad you got. You your dolls. I was thinking that was that really is that really narcissistic for me to know that but I like I had to see your.
If you. Post that some Yeah. Yeah If you had said I drew a dick I wouldn't have necessarily. No, but no. But my favorite thing is okay, so at the bottom of the thing you read the note from the teacher is typed. I think that's the like red flag. Please note the comparison. Oh, because I think then this maybe she said something. Even. To me. I think this was the comparison. And this in this one I'm a dick, but I'm holding something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's in. The next time
I'm holding. A terrorist or an apple? I can picture her the next day being like, Let's try this again. Yeah, that's exactly. No, because thing you're. Holding is a butt plug. That's why is it's an insult. That's where it becomes the euphemism. Yeah. I'm dick holding an apple. And, Laura, you're supposed to hold your tongue when you say that. I didn't know. I mean, what was it like? A penis was like my arm. I mean, an arm holding a baby's. Arm holding an apple. Okay, that's it. It was.
That's a very sexy way to say I have a huge dick. Okay, well, I do. My friend Phil with the horniest person I've ever known. Philip. Philip, That is the dirtiest person he told. He's the guy who said that all the time. We were like, Dude, my dick is a baby's armhole, an apple. That's my version of that. And it always make jokes about, like, if a woman was sweating, he'd look at you and be like, It moved. Which means like his dick is. Getting, Oh. When I tell you the oldest.
GROSS We worked in a restaurant together, so the oldest gross is when we would walk by and he'd just go. It, move every time. Every time you come up behind you and whisper while you're talking to a table, go it move is great. One thing we did in elementary schools where they make you write your name at the beginning of the year and then you write the end of the year. But it was the year they taught us cursive. Oh, sure. So at the end of the year,
it looked like I'd had a stroke. Or. That I. George, run it with my feet. It's hard. Nobody writes in cursive anymore, though. Yeah, because why would they have to. Yeah, it's handwriting doesn't matter. I know. I mean, it's like my grandma's handwriting look like my other grandma's handwriting. Look like every old lady's handwriting. It was beautiful. It was beautiful, right? Yeah. With they wrote with a feather. Yeah, like a quill. Well. Very specific and very. Yeah.
Do you know. How, like, Disney movies and Looney Tunes would do this, too? But, like, it's like Sleeping Beauty or something would start with, like, the storybook opening and it would have the page of it. But I remember being a kid, being like, Bitch, I can't read. I'm fine. I guess somebody reading. All this shit is going on. Subtitle Looney Tunes did that all the time where there'd be like a product that they'd hold it like warning explodes off near bunnies or something.
And I remember being like, I can't read. They had some grown up jokes in there. Yeah, I think all the things that you read in the cartoons I never got. But for. Adults, yeah. It's all more propaganda. Yeah, it's like Bugs is, but yeah. Have you seen that though? All the, like, Bugs and Daffy go to war and like, all that shit. Is it coming back on? It's back in business. I have no. Idea. No, I just. I had a film history teacher that would like. Oh, I love that. Only show was fucked up stuff.
Well, it was so smart too, because I remember there was a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I hope I probably talked about this before, but that kind of alluded to gangsters and prohibition because there was like the Irish cops came. Over and shot. Somebody. Yes. And Bugs said, if I was going to hide Big Boy McGillicuddy, or when I hide them in the stove and then the Irish cop, because you might have it, you might want hide them under the bed. You're my trainer to like. And so they like.
You're trying to kill the gangsters. They put all of their names were kind of like, you know, lefty or. Yeah, you know, the cartoon gangsters? Yeah. Did you notice that Monty started barking when you did your Bugs Bunny voice? Know? He's like, Where's that fucking rabbit? There's that rabbit. Again for the bugs that. Has. Bugs. Oh, good. I have a dog named Bugs. I don't. I don't have a lot of bugs. How are your bugs? Yeah, Her name's bugs.
Short for bugs. Nessa Gonzalez. Oh, yeah, She's the sweet. She's a boxer. So we rescued her after Hurricane Harvey hit, and they told us she was a pug. Oh, right. They were like, We got bugs. We're full of bugs. And at the time, I lived in a studio apartment with my boyfriend. I have boyfriend, and he was. We were like, Yeah, we need a little dog. And now she's £60. Huge. Yeah. So cute. So cute. But we love her so much. Is your boyfriend from Austin? He's from the Dallas area.
So, like Tyler, Texas. Okay, he is. Yeah. Yeah, he's from there. But yeah, and I'm from the border. Laredo RGV. I was going to say, isn't he glad that you're just that you're both just staying in Austin or does he want. He didn't wanna come out here. Did he know what he was about to, like, make the big jump and move with me? We were doing the long distance thing, but then everything shut down and I was like, Oh, thank God you didn't quit your job because we need. Your job right now.
So his whole family's there, my whole family's there. But we've talked and I'm like, If we have to move, he. He would be down. You made a good move at that time, though. Alien pandemic was fucking insane. It was. Your world, you know what I mean? And stuff like that. It was so different. Yeah, but if you and your boyfriend ever want to come out, if you have to show her something, you can only stay with us. Oh, thank you. You don't want to stay in know.
It. To be Handler's down a little bit like plane hours. Or whatever it is. Park in her parking. In a parking lot? No. But I love Laura's house. I was trying to confirm, but you can always know. We always have friends and things. Yeah, especially comics and saying, yeah, you need to. Be the comic crash. Pad. I used to be in New York. And when I only when I was living in a studio, Dana Gould and Jeff are all these guys
that were coming in from Boston. L.A. would crash at my place and yeah, that was fun. Who were like your comedy influences and stuff? Who do you like to watch when you were growing up? Well, I mean, recently I've been saying Cardi B. I think she's so fine. No joke player is. Just so naturally funny. I look up to her. But growing up, I love John Leguizamo. Yeah, like is his one man shows. I was like, obsessed with them. What's the one about his gay Uncle Freak? Yeah, yeah, that. That is amazing.
So good. And I think I've, you know, I talk about my family a lot and stuff. I loved watching Def Comedy Jam like a martin Lawrence. Yeah. And there everybody on there I was obsessed with to like HBO special that came on. I remember just watching over and over again. Yeah, I met Kathy Griffin. Yeah. Margaret Cho. Yeah. Laura Kightlinger or anybody. You know, I, you know, Chelsea Handler. She's a lot of really funny women. But yeah, name Laura. I was. Told there weren't any when.
I was growing up. Laura gave me a copy of her book, and then any time I ever asked her anything about her life, she goes, You know, it's all in my book. Oh, I would love fucking like I should have read the book. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, there's a manual, you know, just know if you. Think there is. An illegitimate, you know, you're not right. I'm probably one of the funniest people, you know, in my high school that nobody knew. Right. And in life now. Yeah. But do you want to read an excerpt?
Right? Yeah. Did Vanessa get prepped on me. Before she came in here? I don't think she did. You need. You mean. She mentioned every female coming. In the nineties? Everything Good one. Honestly, that should have been your first book. Was the picture. The picture did the dick pic. That was. That. I mean, you two are both young. I mean, I felt like. Not like, like not Laura. Not only is she sweet,
but she's delusional. No. I mean, like, I feel like not until I was like, in my mid-forties did I realize, Wow, everything was really fucked up. I mean, I mean, how could you even tell people? I mean, I always do. I can't keep a secret about anything, but, I mean, just like when you look back at the things that were so crazy and wrong in childhood, the way other people behaved. Yeah, Terrible wasn't.
I mean, I feel like even now, like, navigate in comedy as a woman in this business, like, there's still a lot of fucked up shit. Oh, yeah. But I'm like, I can't imagine how it was. Yeah. For I, I don't. Being from Austin, there's no, it's a hard learning curve, like the industry and stuff. And everyone in Texas might be racist, but they're friendly. Yeah There's a. Weird friendliness. To. Even your political enemies or someone are still, like, nice to. You.
So the like, the betrayal you can enter in the business, right? Or whatever, because they're trying to pursue comedy, all that weird shit where people are nice to you but then stab you in the back are just all of the craziness of like trying. And you're like, I'm just a nice person trying to. Do my thing. I know. Yeah, I think every comedy scene kind of has its drama, but then, yeah, the industry is like another layer of drama. I'm like.
Well, I remember just like, you know, starting out in Boston and this was probably like 88 or 89, you know, a couple of years after it started. I remember seeing these guys and I won't say who was cornering this other guy and really just putting him against a wall for stealing and then, you know, stealing jokes. Yeah, Yeah. Like really like, you know, like beating basically kind of assault. Yeah, I think somebody I think somebody may have punched him and then everybody's like, wait a minute.
Hey, let's just tell him what was going on. Yeah, well, hang on. Let me get a turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just make sure this motherfucker doesn't. It doesn't steal again. Well, yeah, you know. And so then. There was less accountability, right? Because, like, who's going to see that tell that there's no social media campaign just about. Yeah, well, see, but what I appreciate about then is the immediate taking care of it.
You know, like other than being able to diffuse it and saying, oh, that was paralleling or rose oh, it was this or rationalize everything. But then it was like, No, you stole it. We all saw you, you know, and a couple of times, like, you can't really call people on stuff unless it's on TV. And in this case, this guy, you know, everybody was just starting to get the little cable spots. Yeah. And the person that had taken this other guy's, you know, it's kind of a long bit. It's like confronted.
I'm so paranoid or I was I'm different because now everybody posts clips everywhere and everything. Yeah. But I used to like the reason I wouldn't do open mikes in L.A. because I was like, Someone's going to steal my jokes. But it happens. Yeah, it's it's like a thing. I had somebody tell me I was walking into a club at the comedy Store.
I was walking in, and this comic, I didn't know, actually, but it was, you know, nice guy who said, Hey, you know, the other night we saw someone, so do your bit. And we said, Hey, that's Laura's there. And I was like, Oh, thanks. Yeah. And I did this for so long. I said, Well, I was asked to do a benefit for babies born addicted to crack. And I said, okay, I'll help you raise money for them. But I think we both know what they're going to spend it on. And I think I'd done I had done that.
I called it somebody. Really. Yeah. Yeah. In the nineties but, and so, but I was so happy that like oh somebody had heard it and knew and said, you know. It was such a compliment. You can't just step all over everybody. Shit. Yeah. But now I feel like with the apps, like the Tic Tacs and stuff, like people are taking the voice and just like, lip synching. Yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. They go viral with your joke, your voice. Yep. And your name isn't anywhere on that.
Oh, wow. That's amazing. Because you're supposed to post more and. And it's such a mindfuck now. Comedy Central on their TikTok posted my Comedy Central clip and didn't put my name on. It was anywhere near it. All the commentary. Who's who's with me, who's going Who's a comedienne? Hello. I have a message from. I'm like, What shithead? Gen Z Fuckface is putting material out there for a comedy station without it. And then the person wrote back, You're right to call us out for this.
Yeah, It was like, Whoa, okay, but where's the rule? Can you fix can you fix it? Oh, yeah. God, Yeah. They know the purveyors of comedy didn't put my name on my own. Going to be so. Dumb. But it's. I don't know. Yeah, I can't see it. Because I was talking about this yesterday. Like, you know, where I feel so tired? I feel like I'm doing a lie. But then at the same time, it's like, Wait, you got to be doing more. You've got to post more and you got to be an influencer.
You want to be an influencer? No, I just want to do comedy. I want to be an influenza. And when. Daniel and I were calling ourselves the under the Influencers. Yeah, I guess that's a. You know, though I think a lot of it is like what I've realized like is I've kind of been through both not having to plug yourself, but having other people plug you to now like it is like constant, you know, you have to advertise yourself. And there's so many people. I know that I'm so bad at that. Yeah. And then.
I don't mean to agree you, but I am also. Bad. Yeah. I'm so bad at that. I'm like, I just want to perform and. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah. And I think that's the generation gap is that I'm too old to I don't care. Like it doesn't matter to me. So it's like, yeah, I just want to perform live. Yeah. And whatever comes from that is good for me. But like I post reels and lose followers, that's my favorite thing. Yeah. Oh, yes, yours are great. You know, every time I post. A live comedy clip.
-400, I'm like, Oh, damn. So say yes. But I've been told that I need to post more algorithm. All of it. I can't stand it, but it makes me. Yeah, I, I remember when it was just agony to, like, hang a poster in a coffee shop. Oh yeah. I was like, Y'all want me to drive somewhere and tack something to a wall? Give fucking love. You got a flier? Yeah, I Used the flier. Yeah. Or try to get on the radio, right? Yeah. Oh, or the news. Yeah. Oh, do you guys still get do you do the morning radio.
When I do clubs? Sometimes. When I was a musician, there was a show you could get on. John Daly. Do you know John Daly down in Austin? He was this legendary, like, the most banal, annoying DJ he was on. He had a TV show on Cutie. It was so boring. But everybody loved him. It was the weirdest thing. But he was so he'd be like yellow, lots of things are yellow. Here's this song about yellow. You fucking I'm in traffic. Johnny Lee, Fuck you. Oh, man.
And but he had, he had a lot of listeners and he's like, I got to play piano. I was a guest a few times on his show, but I'll never forget one time it was live, right? And it was just me, old man, Johnny Lee, and then his engineer. And he goes, He. He's in radio gear. He's in sweat pants. I'm like a year old man, and I'm seated at the grand piano. I can't wait is my big moment. And he goes, okay, ready whenever you are. And he put his hands behind his head and he spread his legs and lean back.
And the biggest male camel toe you've ever seen. I was like each one of his chest. Like, I look like Laura's fucking self-portrait. And you two. Giant testicles like mid-thigh. Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm like, I. That's all I could see. I'm a good singer. He goes, Okay, start. I was like. Oh, oh, were you? I mean, I was like, 21, 22, 23. Like, you. Know, and I'm trying to be like a professional and like, all this it was the was I could. Talk to h.r. No, no, I didn't know.
What my next we were, but I was like, is this the casting couch or is he just so old? He doesn't know that his balls are at his knees. That's stuff. But yeah, I loved him. Radio was also fun. Oh, God, I did not. I hated like, it was always some college kid. It was an intern. He didn't have the key. He didn't have the right time. Yeah, I was. Standing outside a radio station 630. I've been. I've not been to sleep at all. Yeah, Yeah. So have you excited about. Have you seen any of the town?
No, I've just seen you and I'm waiting for this fucking thing to open. Yeah, and already I see my answer. Exactly. I do love that about touring. And I notice it more with, like, a like a theater tour than, like a club to have a club tour. Also, do you notice whenever because especially if you're traveling, like with Chelsea, where they want to advertise the town, do they do that to you? Try to give like a quick narration.
Sometimes they're like, Yeah, but usually we just I don't know, It's hard because you're doing a different city every night. You don't get to see the town. Yeah, Yeah. I love that. Though. Yeah, I love it. I'm like, sometimes if we have time, we'll go to a museum or something, but it's usually just dinner show. Go. Are you kind of naturally an early riser? Because if you were teaching kids and you used to get up early. Or I mean, I've lost. It. I mean, even when I was.
A teacher, I wasn't a good early riser. I was always late to four. You guys just paused there like I was going to say, because you're your heritage, you have kids, you know, you have to do it. You have to garden for other people. And your family probably had you. You know. It's Hispanic Heritage. Month. Thank you for having me. I love your face. I mean, you know. You're Mexican, so you probably are used to getting up. Early, right? Oh. We that was a freeze out.
There's a there's a button under the table, a signal to get. Laura is being raised as again, Garrett. I almost went through the window and now I. I, I completely. Missed that A lot of I got a lot of I really didn't mean to but also. A lot of. Of. Comics say they can't do it because they like to get up at nine or ten or, you know, even like any normal hour than they have to, you know, then they're crashing at six. But I've always thought getting up early. Always, always, always.
I hated going to school and I really almost like get into a physical fight with my mother and she tried to get me out of. Bed. And I pretend it was a dream. Say, oh, you know, hey, wait a second. You said you were dreaming. The other. Day. When you fly me across the base. Oh, I did. Mm. You are my walking sleep again. I said. Laura. Oh, you're right. Now I've given give it away.
But no, but I just like, I feel like there isn't any other profession that I can be creative in and be coming alive at night. Well, the new generation of everyone so sensitive to everything is awakened to the idea that kids can't learn. And at that. Hour. And I think that's right. Right. It's like, whoa, you're forcing some kid out of bed. You're shoving them into some weird high anxiety environment. And then it's like, focus on something boring you don't give a shit about and.
Have lunch at 10 a.m.. And I'm like, lunch. And lunch was Duncan six and Mountain Dew. Let's be real. That's on my fucking lunch was I had a teacher. This was always the first period, but it would switch, right? Because we're in trimesters, right? And so the first year it was this math teacher whose eyebrow skills were just like wax. I don't even know there was no hair. It was like, marker. Do you know what I mean? Wow, this weird thing. And so I that's all I could stare at.
I was like, I couldn't get fractions or anything. I was just doing it because they were fresh, Right? It was the beginning of the day. Oh, man. And then later that year I had her for the last period and by then they were just these weird, blurry shapes in her face I like. And then another time it was the first period, right? And you're just so tired, you can't even focus. And it was the first day of class. Our English teachers name. Her last name was Bo. Bo Bo Bo. No, Ms.. Bo Bo No.
And she has to walk us through her name because obviously every kid has tried to like, tear to shreds. So she starts by telling us her full name is Gai Bo. Bo. No, no. Her name is gay. Bo Bo G-a-y Bo Bo. And the reason she's named gay is because her parents named her after the Enola Gay, which is the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. Oh, try. Try not laughing. 815. A m. At that point, I. Be like my parents named me that because they don't love. Me. I don't hate me.
Her name is gay. Bo Bo. Oh, and she's not a comedian? No. She's the worst teacher ever. She's so mean. That would have been good. She made us read out loud. You remember when you had a, like, popcorn read, you know, eat out, read out loud, and then you'd you'd be reading and then you go popcorn, Laura. And you have to pick up to make sure everything And we.
Never had. Yeah. And so everyone has the book open and their popcorn Vanessa But it was put in had Wilson it's a marked do you know that book. It has the N-word every other word. Oh so we were popcorn in wording No. Yes for all white kids. Yeah. Well, no one black kid. Oh, no. Lil Williams. Oh, God, I know, but that was gay. Bob. I feel like the teachers in Texas, the ones I experience, like, I never had, like, a michelle. So. You know. I never had, like, a stand and deliver.
No, like, none of them cared. No. My older brother. Oh, I thought you meant beautiful. Oh, well, that too. I never like, like that. Even though. I might have gone a different way if. I had my. My older brother would get the paddle at school. Yeah. We had it. I didn't get it, but I can name names who got paddled. Yeah. Yeah, we hang on. But then they stopped doing that in Texas. Yeah. But they stopped doing it in the nineties. Oh right. Yeah. I guess I went straight to the gay bars.
Yeah. That paddle made me gay. Yeah. Yeah, it would hang on the wall and Miss George's room. Yeah. And it was one of those. I think I talked about this. You had accordion doors, right? So, like, so on rainy days when you can go outside for recess, they'd open the accordion doors and merge the two classrooms and play, like, heads up, seven up or something like that.
But Miss George was the other teacher, so when they'd open the doors, that's when our classroom would see the paddle and there would be a murmur. There'd be a. Oh. Yeah, because we'd heard legends. She's a mean that's. They were spanking kids still in school. You know, now you just hang a gun on the wall. How many Oh my God. Can you imagine for safety? Those are the days, right? Can you imagine? So what are you working on these days? You're touring?
I'm touring with Chelsea until the end of the year. I'll be headliner. When does this come out? And next week. Oh. We'll make sure it comes out during Hispanic Heritage Month. Better. What is it? Latin American, Hispanic. Or Hispanic heritage, do you know? Well, it is September 15th to October 15th. It's like. We missed it. Basically this month. Yeah, we don't get a whole month. They wonder my lawn hasn't been mowed.
Really jam This is the they I cannot believe they didn't even give you a whole month. No. And it starts on September 15th because that's when Coco came out. She was shot. Oh, my God. No way. But, yeah, I appreciate it. We came out there. Watch Selena. Watch something. You know, it's funny, all my friends, that because I'm from the border, you know, so it's pretty much Mexico where I grew up. But all of my friends that had Spanish class, like in North Texas, they're like, Oh, we watch Selena.
I did too, in Spanish class. Selena is in English. Yeah, well, the movie that you know, is in English. Our Spanish teacher, Glenda Hamilton, a white lady, she showed us what? Mi familia. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which is also an. English, also in English. But she showed us Selena twice in one time, like a test taking day when we finish our exams and things like that. That's so funny. To me that people show that in Spanish class. As if it has anything to do with it.
No, the only Spanish were the poor, the low and reverse. Yeah. Boy. Excited. That's in. Yeah. Oh. I was taking classes and my friend and I were like thought we were so fucking good down my drugs. Yes. You might think you get them. Well, we did. We tried. How do you, how. I think we sat around. And she taught. Me she was another teacher that I had a good friendship with because she taught me three things or she taught me one thing and she goes, Now I'm.
I know I'm never supposed to tell a student this, but Daniel, you really fail with Grace. She says, so sweet says. I tell kids they fail the test. They lose their mind. I tell. You. I love that You just smile. I was on, you know, on the road with Chelsea and we were in North Carolina and one of the flight attendants, as we were boarding the plane, he was like, I know you. He was freaking out that she was on the plane. And he was like, Oh, I know you. You're from her videos. And I was like,
Yeah, I know. I'm with her. And then we're like, during the flight. And he sits behind me, like, as we're going to land. And he was like, You're the housekeeper, right? Oh my God. Shut the fuck up. And I was like, No. No, no. I open for her. Oh my God. We're like, This is the last time I bring a feather duster as a carry on. Like dove. Like I. Happen to have all my cleaning. Products up. A bottle of Lysol falls out of your. Bag, but I'm. Going to do a video to clarify.
I guess I'm Vanessa. I really need. That's hysterical. So stupid. But also, if you're the housekeeper, shouldn't you be at home? That's what I'm saying. And it was another person of color. And I was like, come on, it is Hispanic Heritage Month. I just keep. Saying that. We had we. Had exchange students or my friend did she they were French and she spoke zero English. It was her and her boyfriend, which I thought was so scandalous that they both got to travel.
Right. I know zero English was so cute. Little French girl. And the only like thing my friend Michelle, who's Ecuadorian, she thought it was so cute that with her French accent, she couldn't say my car. Hmm. She saved for, like, six weeks. Right? So. But she's at Mac. Yeah. With, like, her French accent. She couldn't be, like, a rapper tongue around it. Yeah, but by the six weeks, she was so over it because we'd be underage drinking and be, like, sad. She's going to go Got Mac. Yeah. So angry.
This is so much fun. I know. I'm so glad you have to ask, but we do have no Vanessa. So what? We should know what your shows are coming up where you are. Yeah. Where can people find you? Dates and all that stuff on your tour? Okay, well, I'm going to be headlining the Comedy Store ballroom room October 17th. Yeah, that might with it. Daniel will be there. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm on tour with Chelsea for the rest of the year, and then I have some fun stuff coming up.
I can't say yet, but you can follow me at Vanessa G Comedy on Instagram. Green and Vanessa Comedy icon. Yeah, and my podcast. I'm not busy. Oh, yes, I love that. What a. Great. Title with Michael. For calling. Great comedian, I bet. Former writer. Yeah. I just Want Be in Love. Michael. Yeah, awesome. But we love. You. So much so far. Thank you. Bye.