Hi. Hi. How are you? Hi. Welcome to what we thought would happen. And we are lucky enough to have the brilliant and hilarious Maggie Maye with us. Okay. And we also know that we have one listener because Maggie said she heard the podcast wanted to do it. Yes. And thank you for your listeners. Yeah. What were you about to say, though? You had a good story about, Oh. Okay. We were talking about having a live mic and I remember I was in Boston. I was probably like 23 or 24 doing stand up.
It was like an outdoor crowd and it was a hockey team like the Huskies or something. And nobody wanted to do stand up in front of them. And I had to do like 15 minutes and I cut it short at ten because they were just yelling and being gross. And so then I went backstage and the host, I can't remember his name, but he said, Do you think any of us wants to do more time because you went short? Nobody wants to be out there in front of those assholes right now. And he goes out.
Yeah. They quieted up then. Yes. Oh, man. And they're so good. That's all, you know. You were on the ice performing. No, no, no. We're just outside. Like, I don't know, some outdoor venue in Boston. I can't remember where. That's horrific. I know. Hey, welcome back. Hey. Hi, Maggie. Hey. I know Maggie. Way back from Texas. Oh, geez. Yeah, we go way back. You were like a queen of Austin scene when I started in stand up. Maggie was like the darling. Oh, you were?
I remember doing your show and thinking it was a big deal. You had a show at Spider house. You got the comedy talent review That I did. Yeah. Oh, then you did. You did a character at the end. I remember. Yeah. You acted as like it was an aunt, maybe a teacher, like an older lady. They just let me do stuff. Yeah, but that was like my fourth time ever doing stand up. You were always so funny. Like, everybody always knew that. You were icy yellow. Oh, I. Think I used. To. So did we.
All right. But. How do you. Laura, There's a whole podcast about me and Laura becoming friends. How have you guys? Matt? We met at a club. I think it. Was the improv. Yeah, the Laura Houses show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I love Laura House. Did you like Austin Stories? Yes. Yeah. Like as a kid, I watched that. Yeah. And was like. I had no clue you'd, like, be friends with Chip later.
Right. You know, like, I remember when it came out and just being from Texas and being like, Oh, my God, Texas is on MTV right now. Like, on the map I've been to. Like, it was just so groundbreaking for for a little Texas person. To see It did have that weird. I did I think that's why I watched because it has some weird Texas identity to it. Have you been to Texas, Laura? Yeah.
I did a documentary on a friend of mine, Randy Credico, who started a street movement to repeal the Rockefeller drug laws. And so I was in Tulia, of all places. But I also have done standup in Austin, which was a blast as part of a comedy festival. Yeah. Yeah. Austin's a great time for stand up. So imagine I moved up to L.A. sort of at the same time. Yeah, I think within, like, a month of each other, I'm like that.
Yeah. I want to talk to you about so much, cause I've never actually, like, we don't. I've never. I hang out with your bunch written a zillion shows together, but I think we were, like, talking about, like, comedy, and. You go on tour and stuff a lot. You. Not so much. These days. I think I'm going to slowly start getting back into it every time. I'm like, I get back into touring. Like there's another COVID spike that kind of scares me. Yeah, but. Yeah. You know, there's one right now.
Yeah, right. Like a bunch of people. Got it. Oh, shit. From New York. Or just out here. Here. Oh, great. Oh, so it's like. Well, just stay off of social media. Yeah, that's. That's what makes it scary, because I'm like, Oh, fuck. All my friends got it. Yeah, but we went on a tour together. A mini tour? Yeah, it was fun. She brought her dog, her dogs, all in. I thought I was going to come today. She's with my boyfriend.
Like he has to go to Orange County to pick up his car, and then I'm going to go there for a show tonight. So he's like, I can take all with me. It's just going to be easier for you. So do you like L.A.? I do, Yeah, I really do. You sound surprised. Well, I like it now that you've got a boyfriend. The last time I talked to you. Well, it was a few years ago. I think you were sort of dating somebody. And this is the same person? Probably not. No. Good. No, no. Yeah, Okay.
Yeah, I know someone where I lived way up. My new guy, He's great. He's wonderful. He lives in Orange County, so it's nice to be able to get out of L.A. sometimes and just go see what Orange County people are up to. What are. Y'all doing? They've got great stores out there, too, because it's like their targets have everything. Yeah, right. And none of it's, like, locked up. Yeah. Yeah. I love targets in other cities. Or I'm like, Wow, you're. You let your customers touch stuff. Without me.
Causing an assistant. For. Yeah. Yeah. Let me get my ashwagandha gummies, for fuck's sake. Yeah. You don't need to be old enough to buy that shit, right? Yeah, I ask that because it's like I am surprised that I like L.A. so much. Yeah. I mean, I feel like when I moved here, I had, like, a good, temperate expectation of, like, you know, I live here now. I'm not going to step off the plane and, like, have someone be like, you are the one with been like, I did not have that expectation.
And I was just like, okay, this is just going to be a lot more work and I'm going to have to like start everything back over again. And like, it's just going to be a lot more work in a different state. And that's been true. So yeah, it was like, yeah, I was right. With Pandemic, is that a recovery for you coming out and trying to stand up more again, because you're such a low performer, you're all over town and then everything shut down. I can't tell you how many Zoom shows
I did. Yeah. Oh yeah. I cannot tell you how many Zoom shows I did. If somebody was like, You want to do a Zoom show in Australia at four in the morning? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Because I will be away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But pandemic or not. Maggie Brooks. Yeah. Like yeah, she's busy. I like it. So you're from the valley in Texas, right? The RGV for the people at home. You moved to Austin and then started standup? Yes. What were you watching as a kid like?
What made you laugh or what made you want to get into like telling stories and shit on stage? I liked The Simpsons and Tracey Ullman. Hmm. I loved that when I was a kid, I loved Garry Shandling. I loved Whoopi Goldberg. I was also watching like, you know, Jem and Shira, Princess, the power. And all, you know, Oh, my God, have you seen, though, someone has overdubbed Jem and redubbed her jizz and she's just Deep Throat a dork. I like this. And it's like, Oh, my God, I just shaved my pants.
And it's like, But they do the Jem song. I still wear, like, heads Jazz. Oh. Better be funny. Or someone's getting a stern letter. It is, but. I don't like it. Oh, now one fighting for or against it. I don't like it. I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't like it. But I'll draw your picture. Okay. It's funny. Have you ever met Tracey Ullman? No. You get. Weird. I almost feel like I have. Yeah, I did. I met Garry Shandling. Yeah? Yeah. At Roseanne's wedding,
believe it or not. Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah. Which. Where? The Tom Arnold wedding? No, no, no. Bodyguard wedding. The bodyguard? Well, yeah, and that was in Lake Tahoe. And that was really fun. And that's when I met Garry Shandling. He was there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, stop, everybody. You know, it's really funny. Sandra Bernhard, everybody was kind of gambling because there's a casino there. Okay, wait, tell me everything. Were you apart of the wedding? Our guest? No other guest.
Okay. Because you were writing on that season, right? Yeah. Yeah. And Lois Bromfield, David Feldman, a lot of comics when she won, she was. Pregnant, right? I think so, yeah. That's so crazy. Yeah, because that was. She was so super famous. Was that, like, helicopters buzzing overhead, kind of. Well, it didn't seem like it. I think they kind of handled it well. I mean, there were other people just in the casino, but it wasn't like swarming. Maybe they rented it out. The whole thing.
I don't know. I would have loved to sit next to Garry Shandling at our wedding. That sounds fine. Well, we just played pool together. But I hate pool. Are you good at it? No, I hate it. That's the thing. I think I'm good at it until I play with someone who actually is good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, Well, I'm terrible. It's like, I just do this once in a while, right? Every time I bring up Donald Duck and mathematics Land. Did you ever see that cartoon? See this? It sounds kind of familiar.
It's old. It's from the fucking eighties. And they explain geometry or some bullshit via pool. Anyway, this is what I do Every time I play pool, I bore the other person in there. Fucking submission. Oh, wait. Maggie. So, you know, Daniel and I have talked about, like when we were growing up and stuff and what we liked in school and, well, I was unpopular and just like. Like how I was just popular, too. Okay? We were both. She tries to turn off popular and popular.
Did you have like a clip that you hung around with or were you kind of like outsider because you're funny or. See in like elementary school and junior high and stuff? I thought I was popular because everybody knew me, but I was the only black kid in school. So of course you knew. Of course. Like, yeah, you can point me out in the you know, the class. But of course I was like in junior high and elementary. I was also a cheerleader, but I was like, I was a cheerleader.
The other cheerleaders didn't really hang out with, Oh, because I was also weird. Okay. Yeah, I was, like, better at cheerleading than them, but, like, funny and weird. Yeah. Weird is something I got a lot called. Weird. Yeah. Really? Like, if I'm just trying to be funny or make people laugh, you're weird. Yeah. So a. Teacher brought that up to my mom in a parent teacher. Conference, and she was like. Yeah, she's good at this and she's really nice and this and that and kind of weird.
That's just like, weird to me. Like in what, like goth weird or, like, awkward. Weird. I like awkward. Weird. I guess I try to be funny, you know, and people not getting the references because they weren't watching Nick at night. Also, man, I guess that's Nick at night. I'd be like, if you all watch the many loves of Dobie Gillis, y'all will be laughing. Oh, wait, Did you try out for cheerleader? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I got two. Maybe one jump. And they're like, Thank you. I'm like.
Yeah, yeah. I can't believe. You tried out for cheerleader and made it. Were you a gymnast or anything before? No, I just could do the stuff. Uh huh. I don't know how I knew how to do gymnastic stuff, but I just could. Mm hmm. Well, I taught my sister how to do a backhand spring when I was, like, 12 years old. With no authority. No authority. I was just like, okay, so what you need to do is bend and bounce back.
And then later I took like a gymnastics coaching class in college and the things they were teaching. I was like, Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that's what I told my sister. And I was like, But still, I should have maybe been a little, well, you know, better supervised and running. What was your like position in cheerleading? Were you thrown in the air, that kind of stuff? Not really. Yeah. No, I mean, there she was always, you know what? In sixth grade, we had a cheerleading coach, Donna Weaver.
I'll say her name now. Carol. She grossly underutilized me. Yeah, Yeah. Because I could jump really high. I could jump higher than anybody on the squat. And, you know, as bendy, I do splits. I do all kinds of things. So we had to choose that We did. And then there were descending stunts in both of them. And in one of them they even had somebody, another cheerleader off on one side, you know, just doing jumps and kicks and whatever, you know, vamping that way.
And then there's no one on this side. And I'm kneeling here. It's like, what is your point? Like, What are you doing? And then later, we didn't win in cheerleading competition, of course, because all we did was like the intro to the Buffy theme. Where do you like dancing to? Dun dun dun dun dun dun. We did the Buffy thing. That jam Turn it up. Yeah. The same thing that they did. We did that too. Yeah. She got mad at something.
Some girl said something to another cheerleader and that other cheerleader went and complained to her. I guess some girl came up was like, Well, I think Maggie's is the best. And then the other girl laughed and told the coach. And then apparently it's my fault that this. And she was like, you know, people even saying that it was your fault that we didn't win. I was just like a hold up. Okay. First of all, I didn't tell anybody to say anything. So somebody said something else to someone else.
That's not my problem. Second of all, we got video of the competition. And. Go speak with Mrs. Todd. You can see I wasn't smiling, bitch. I was smile. I wasn't smiling when I walked and go watch the video talking to me. And then she was like, Oh, yeah, you're actually right. And I was like, So that's why her name got mentioned. Today's show is the video. Where is that VHS? Yeah, I mean. Were you in musicals and plays and stuff in high school. Or choir and stuff?
We didn't have like school plays or things like that, but like, insane. Oh, I think she hosted a show in Austin called Called Hashtag Theater. What was it shtick where she'd end it? She at the beginning of the show, she'd give the audience like three options of songs to vote on. I think because you do magic. And then at the end of the show, she find out which song it was and then just sing it live, right? Do a karaoke of something. Like audience suggestion
for this. You'd tear the roof off the shoe, shoe and nail that would do the other thing. You'd be like, Oh my God. Like she did it. Like climbing on chairs and stuff and like, making them crowd surf me and stuff. They just, they just let me do whatever I should. Be in a place like that. Now, like you're straight up stand up. You do stand up comedy, but you really blur and move into like character stuff or even just like more imaginative exploratory ways of doing stand up.
I look at you as like, being fearless because I see you change your set all the time. I see you constantly doing new stuff. I've seen you on the road and see you like prepare. Like what directs you as a comedian or like, influences. You seem pretty. Just bold. Like you'll just try anything. Yeah, I need the attention or whatever to give me that sweet, sweet attention. But I know I do whatever I want and like, you can get a laugh, however.
And I like not being like everybody else and just generally being weird. And I luckily that. Works out for me a lot of. The time. But we only knew in high school that it was okay. I know that got so, like, bankable. See, that's the thing I hate about social media.
To be the oldest person in the room right now is like, I see all these amazing, weird fucking little kids and like, young people expressing themselves and being artistic and then they're just like showing themselves and it's a it's a great thing. As opposed to the old days where you just had to, like, stay home with it. Yeah. Do you take your shows when you do stuff like comedy sets. Audio. To like go back and look at it and see.
Yeah, really see like which tags I did or what came up in the moment or. Yeah, yeah. It gives me crazy anxiety. I don't love. It. Yeah. I really don't love it. Having to hear your voice back. I'm like, How do I have friends? Haha yeah, why. Would you voluntarily listen to this? It's just yeah, I just did a show with Laura and I've been a minute since I did a show with her and Laura's voices. Hypnotic? Yeah, on the P.A.. I loved me. End of this. Like weird? You mean monotone? No, not at all.
Very soothing. I'm very. I was just like. I was like, what is this blurry sensation I feel is great. Did you have fun? No, I didn't. I I've been for, like, going on, like, Well, I have to bring this up. Every fucking podcast I had, I had a brain aneurysm, but before that I was still trying to do a 45 minute set, a solid 45 minutes, and either I can't remember it or the old shit I don't want to do anymore. So then it's like every time it gets shorter and shorter, the harder
I try to get it longer. Here's what we do. We're going to sign you up for an 80 minute show and then, by God. I take a nap in the. Middle. But you'll get you'll get to 40 if the goal is 80. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. There's stuff that way. Yeah, well, because we were talking about the mental space. If there's not a clock, or if you're someone who is like a rule regulated set somewhere after 20 minutes, mentally, it's like no man's land, right?
You're like, Have I been here 100 years or am I under time? Like, it's the worst feeling. For as long as I've done this, my sense of time is still shit. I had no idea. I'll be like, Wait, that's the light. I have like nine more jokes in this 15 minute chat. What are you talking about? Is that I used to have it down when Dustin said, like, would do like our FBI tapes every single time. At the end, you have 6 minutes to do whatever your best fucking thing is every single time.
At the end of my set, I go, Thanks. I'm ready. I'm Daniel Webb. At the end of the clock. It's 559. I'm like, mother fucker. And now I'm just like, I don't know. It's like my brain has been erased to cover, to raise your brain. It did me Was that just getting older during COVID? I feel like. Because we're age approximate. Yeah. Koven Maybe reset my brain. Mm. I know your sleep schedules and important thing. Mm hmm. And in COVID, I just was like, I can go to sleep whenever, right?
If I'm tired and I lay down, put a blanket on, I'm asleep. Yeah. So I just would go to sleep whenever I wanted to and then wake up whenever I wanted to. And when I was awake I would just do stuff. And so I just never knew what time it was. Oh yeah. And I just lived my life that way. And it was fun because when you have streaming, you never which is like if you think about it, like that's how you drive someone insane in prison is you close all the windows, not let them know what time it is.
And I just didn't like I was like, This is bad ass. I don't know when it is right now. It's just a. Way. This is cool. Do you want to go outside? I'll have a go outside. And I'd be like, Oh, it's day. It just so. I mean, that couldn't have been healthy. It couldn't have been good. You know, I, I was very isolated too, and it didn't feel as bad at the time, but it's like later coming out of it, you're like, Oh, I think that really did a number on me.
Yeah. Like as far as just like my social skills and like, getting. Yeah, like used to being in crowds. Yeah. All that. Shit. I feel like I've been pretty lucky. I've always like, kind of worked at night either. Like doing stand up or like, doing punch up on shows that starts at 5 p.m.. But yeah, I still have friends who would call at ten. Are you still asleep? Yes. How long have you known me? Of course I'm still asleep. I'm going to be asleep until probably 11 or noon. And you know.
I miss that being like a teenager who slept till noon and it felt great. There wasn't like, Oh, I've wasted my life or anything like that. I miss also staying up late and I love getting emails from Laura because they're always after midnight. Yeah, Yeah. All right. What's the tick tock you send me about the long arm dance that David was doing? Oh, we have long arms. It's called your ape index or Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. Your height should be the same as your wingspan from tip of your fingers.
And mine is the same as Michael Phelps. I like to brag about it because I. My wingspan is three inches longer than my height is, you know. My wingspan on is longer than my height by a lot like my doctor called in the nurse to come see me. I thought I had Marfan syndrome because of that. I do not. But they were like, There is no way this is not a. 16 year wait. What is the syndrome they thought you had? Marfan syndrome. Is that. It's like a heart connective tissue or something.
It makes your hands long make your arms. But like one of the signs is like, really long, lanky arms and like, being really tall. And I was like, I'm not tall enough for what my arms are beautiful arms. I know every man you're stretching very. Very delicate. I know. So you after. But it's like, what's the different things from looking at things? Yeah, it's more than it should be. I feel unqualified to sit at this table. You're not. Not with two long arm girls like.
I know. I feel like there should be. If there was a fire, I somehow I'd make it to the bottom floor safely between the two of you. We would fall over each other. But, Maggie, at. Least you know she was a cheerleader. So you probably have a better balance. Because you when I met you, like I said, you like you were, like, up. I mean, you're always the same comedian, but. And I said, you certainly were. You were the first person to make it to like, late night and make it out of Austin. Right.
You were definitely no one else. Yeah, I think. Oh, Martha Kelly. Really? Yeah. Have you met Martha Kelly? No, but I loved her on baskets. Yes. She's so great. Maggie, I saw your set, by the way. I cried. I remember how great it was. It was amazing. It was really. Good. Thank you. We all watched at a bar, like, at home and, like, cheered on Maggie. What was that like coming from Austin, too? Because that was in L.A., right? Or New York. Is in L.A.. Okay. So that was it for the TBS show.
Yes. Okay. Yeah. What was that like? I've never really talk to you about it because we are all screaming at the bar like we were so proud. We were so happy. Everything was so. Yeah, it was so exciting. It was so exciting because it was such like a big deal for me, you know, like being on television on a show that I had grown up watching, you know, and grown up loving. And I remember it being such a huge deal and like, meaning so much to me.
And like, I remember after getting the first laugh and then getting the feeling of like, Oh, I know what this is. I know what I'm doing. Like, this is not anything. I know what's going on now. And like, it was just such a rush, you know. She seems so you just seem like so professional. Relax on her set, you just showed up to do exactly what you did. Is your sister a performer? Also her? One of my sisters is so. And it's three girls. Three girls, Two boys. Oh, okay. Which is why I do stand up.
Yeah. Yeah. It's either only kids or kids in big family need to stand out. It seems like, you know, my. Older sisters, like you just didn't get enough hugs, did. You? I never enough. My cousin has five kids and the baby is the funniest. And I guess the only way she'll be heard. No, when she's not being funny until she says something. I remember like looks and notice that she's in the room. Oh, Maggie's got a big family.
She's like, I don't know, Coming to Laura's house, you never really leave without something in your hand. But Maggie always gives you something that her mom like. She's like, my mom sent me seven bags. Here's one right. Or a cake. Your mom sent me a cake? Yeah. I asked my mom. I was like, Will you give me the recipe so I don't have to keep calling you and asking you to send me cakes for my friend's birthday. And she's like, No. My. Recipe and I'll just send you a cake. Yes.
Oh, sent me a crazy and I ate the whole cake. I don't know. That's one of the benefits of. Living as we're sitting here and thinking like Maggie's arms look great Of all the shirts I have to give her because I look like a skeleton. What? Your arms. Yeah. Good. No, Maggie's very stylish. Yeah. Oh, thank. You. You have a lot of clothes? Yeah, I guess I operate on a large level of working clothes. Mm hmm. I always have a large amount of clothes. I'm trying to give away, like, too many clothes.
And then I'll get a bunch more clothes and then just give more away. It's like a good revolving closet. Are you a Gemini? No. Okay, Because I thought. Because I feel like I do. Exactly the same thing. I'll give something away, because then I think. Then I can buy something else. Or I'll find something else. Like, you know. Every time I'm away or something. Yeah, you're. My. Okay, We toured together. That was fun. Have you, like, going on? And you just recorded
a fucking special in Montana. Wow. When will that be out? Hopefully as soon as possible. There's still some work on the back end that I need to do, but trying to get it out just as quickly as we can. We're all working on our back end, but back that. Yeah, but I don't even. Look back. There. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. It's none of my business. Laura. With your long arms, get a mirror and you can see everything. You can see the whole starlight.
Do I feel like I should just get, like, a tray and let everything fall into it? I'll put a tray around my. Way, but around my. Knees sick and I couldn't. Give a shit. That's the way. But. Okay. So you were. Were you part of a comedy festival or you were there? You just chose Montana to do a standup special. That's the one that lined up. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But like, talk about that because it's even hard enough.
I feel like anywhere to organize a show, let alone one that you want to, like, share with an audience and share with the world. Like, that's a bold choice. Yeah. Good time. It was great. I was very concerned because I couldn't do it in Austin because they recorded the Helium label and I had already signed with another label, so it just wasn't going to be able to happen. And then like some dates with some other clubs didn't work.
And then my friend Gareth Reynolds recommended like a list of places and like last Best Comedy in Montana was like one of his favorites and everything got together and I was like, Okay, this is great. This is going to be great. And then like a week before, I was just like, Holy shit, this is Montana. I should maybe do some reasons. Of course Gareth is going to like it. He's a blond haired, blue eyed white. Guy and he's like, This might be very different for me.
But it. Was incredible. Like I spoke to some other comics before I got there and, you know, kind of got the idea of, you know, the people, you know, who live there and would come to the club. And I mean, the crowds couldn't have been better. Like they could not have been better. Once you were on the ground, did you change your approach in any way or were you just like you felt more confident about what you came in with? Was did you feel like you had to adjust?
No, I was pretty like hard lined with what I was going to do, and I was like, okay, I hope this all goes well or else is going to be a chunk missing. Because that's the scarier part, especially when you're trying to get like new stuff out. Not that's the first time you said these things, but you're like, okay, if they don't like this, then there goes that other 15 minutes.
Yeah. Like I feel there's a feeling of like they've got to be invested at a certain point because otherwise you're just like feeding them what they don't want. But luckily that wasn't the case. You know, I feel like they used to say, you know, read the room or whatever. Even if I could read the room. Yeah, you know, it it's like, Oh, the Christian Coalition is out here. Okay, well, then I have nothing to say. Yeah. I can't do my. And so. I read the room and. I did and they said, read the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Jesus. Times. I'll read the room and be like, Hmm, y'all aren't going to like this. Well, here it goes. Yeah. Couple of y'all. Will be okay with it. Yeah. I misread the room all the time. I did a bare convention. Oh, man. Just a few months ago. And there were just a few times where you got groans. I was like, How's the old bear going? A grown ass like a gay centric joke, right? Yeah. I don't know. My Princess Diana material killed.
Go figure, Kenny slapping at a dead princess. Anyway, I'm just trying to think of the situation. What would the circumstances be that would lead Laura Kightlinger to be performing in front of the Christian Coalition? What now? What would happen in your life to get you through those days? I guess that's why I didn't really go on the road that much. I mean, you know, I was just even shocked at how conservative it was in San Diego.
Like, I was just talking about something and a woman says, We're not all Democrats. Yeah, I'm like. They don't want to hear it. And they're mouthy. Yeah, it's like, okay, we'll get out. Yeah, I hear like, San Diego is not like the rest of the country, but it is. It's like it's a bit of a freak show. You tour and you perform all over. Do you like going on the road? I like it. Okay. I like doing stand up. I don't like the things involved with travel. I'm like, if I could just be there.
Yeah, yeah, that'd be tight. And then sleep in my bed. Yeah, I guess. That would be the best. Bit like going to airports or driving or That part sucks. I understand people who don't immediately when they're done performing, I don't understand people who don't want to immediately run to bed. Who are these people who stay out after it? You know what I mean? People can't sleep like me now. But that squashes the anxiety. Just run and hide. Oh yeah. I do that too.
I do that before I do that the whole day before. I. Sleep, the whole day before, or walk around and try and, you know, think of my. Boyfriend's had friends in from out of town this weekend and I had three shows and they didn't really, they couldn't get it around 2 p.m.. I'd be like, well I have to go go do. I was like, Well, I got nothing. Yeah, yeah. Having a stare too offered seven. And a half. Yeah. I got to go be myself. Yeah, yeah, by myself, By myself. Daniel wants to wear a cape.
Maggie and I are going to start our own clothing line for women with long arms. Which Maggie just flexed her arms up against the doorframe to measure the length of her. Arm, and then went through the ceiling. Went straight through the ceiling. Never seen more. By a carpenter. Right now. I am sorry about that. So, no, I'm glad I'm. But but gold fell through the roof. Oh, my God. I work at a restaurant. These people owned it, and they they were Natori. This is in the eighties.
But they told me they told me this story. They did a bunch of blow all the time. They would party with, like, rock stars because it would be like people coming through. But one night the ceiling fell through and these best was like falling through. But they were so high they thought it because they also stashed their coke in the ceiling. Oh shit. And they thought it was their blow. And so they were sweeping it like, get away from people nine.
But then they put it together, but they were overreacting because they thought there's trash had been revealed. Gosh, I thought maybe they would be blowing asbestos up there. No, no. They lived okay. Oh, they did do it. Yeah. No. Oh, wow. Okay. Sorry. But Maggie measured her arms and versus her height, and it's like your arms are four or five inches longer, Maggie. Three, five, seven. Yes. What does that mean? Are you five? Seven? No, I'm five, nine, and my arms are six feet. What was that?
So the ape index, I don't know if it's eight factor or eight index, but it's three inches, whatever the difference is. Huh? Don't argue with a man about the difference in three inches. I can measure it. Okay, that's great. Okay, so we. But you were saying you want to start a clothing line? Yeah, I think we should. Yeah. I feel like there are other women who would like to have a sweater that they can hold in their palm instead of it goes above your wrist. Yeah, You know.
Can we call it up in arms? My God, I love it. I love that, Daniel. Because we. Have a message also, like, let's be, you know, our choice and women's. Rights. Yeah, there we go. Women's rights in general. Anarchy also. Yeah, a little bit. I sometimes I'll go to the dry cleaner. Well, I usually take stuff out myself. I have a thing that takes stitches out of the sleeves, but sometimes I'll go into the dry cleaner and I think they'll look at me like, Why don't you get something that fits?
Like, I. Like it so many. Times because I'll get large so it fits there, but then it doesn't fit anywhere. Else. So I've been laughed out of men's department, so trying to find pants that are my length versus the waist. Like do you? How many Forget old Queens at Banana Republic. You're like, Oh no, girl I like sent me to the discount. Like, you need to check the discount at Marshalls and like, that's, that's where you're going to find that freak show of a measurement.
You know. Maybe Kathy Ireland can help you. Out, not your. Bag. Were your parents really supportive about performing and all that stuff when you were growing up? Not really. Yeah, because. I was a really smart kid. And so they were like, Well, you can go to med school, you can handle that, you know, and you can make a life for yourself and something guaranteed. You know, all of this performance, it's subjective.
And if they don't like you or if there's any reason to, I mean, there doesn't even have to be a reason. Yeah. So subjective. And, you know, we've been in this country long enough to see how things aren't fair. And so get a plan B before anything. But they're pretty supportive now. Yeah, I was. I think they realized that they have to be because it's like there is no. Plan B. Yeah, exactly. My is my plan B is death. And I almost got it. Yeah, I know, But how are you?
Are you really going to win the lotto twice or really not? I better think of something. My mom would still like me to be a court stenographer. I feel like a great stenographer. Maybe that would be a fun job, right? You're kind of eavesdropping, but you're not acting like it. I have, though I'd be, like, thinking about what a word meant and then not get anything by lawyers. My boyfriend is Hawaiian and he lived in Australia. So as a kid.
So there's a couple of blinds, spots and things that he doesn't know about. But I just had to teach him about the Menendez brothers. Oh, right. It was like I had the same reactions. I was. I was like, Oh, is Cuba like, oh, like, let's talk about it. But they don't have the news. Yeah. And then the other funny thing is trying to watch him to be like, Wait till he finds out that they're kind of hot, you know what I mean? Wait till we watch the documentary.
I'm watching his face, watching this, and like. And at what point do you find one of them kind of smoke? And anyway. Yeah, they are. It's. I hate that ad like a serial killers are hot. But I feel so bad. They're not really serial killers. They just killed their parents, which. We all. Probably would have. Yeah. Yeah, it was. The thing is, they ratted themselves out.
Yeah, one of them did. Yeah. He confessed to a therapist, but the therapist was cheating on his wife, and his girlfriend was eavesdropping in the office. So there was a whole. Anyway, that's. Oh. That's a hip of isolation. Yeah. So. But anyway, I was educating him on the Menendez brothers. Right. We're watching some stupid documentary on YouTube. And then his friends come over because we're now hosting like a dinner party and we're like, catching up with his friends.
Meanwhile, Court TV, it's now lapsed into like the YouTube video is now rolled into the next algorithm or whatever. And it's the seven hour testimony of the Menendez. One of them. The other one, the less guilty one, because he's not as hot, does he? But he none of these people I know, I'm the oldest person in the room and his group of friends, none of them had like known about it. They didn't know anything about the how. I know. And it was like even the Menendez brothers.
But they had a plan B I a plan B, like people get that. That was my whole just wait. The Menendez brothers had a plan B? Yeah, they had inheritance and they had like. Oh, okay. All that. They're in Phuket, they're in jail and married. They have a better off and like a book deal. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, well, that's so funny. I would never you'd be like the only person that would think of the Menendez brothers as, you know, people to look up to as having a plan B. They they were
they were. Going to inherit. Well, yeah, that was a big if. Yeah, there's a whole wave of sympathy in the new generation because they, they confessed to being sexually abused by their dad. And I think one of the Menudo brothers also claims to have been assaulted by their dad. Yeah. Because he he was in the music business for a second anyway, so that kind of confirms it. So now there's this wave of sympathy for them being are they death row or whatever. When they also adopted?
No way. No, I don't think so. Maybe I missed that part of the doc. I was like, Wait till they get hot. You know, fast forward through their childhood. There's soccer, there's trauma, trust me. But yeah, it has blind spots for those things. I don't think they should still be in jail. What do you think should happen? Well, I don't know, but I did a documentary and I interviewed people who are in jail who got out like this woman who was in jail because she was set up, her boyfriend.
She was 19 and she was part of a sting. And so she went to jail for 18 years for drugs. She was 19. She gave birth at Rikers. Down. And like interviewing her afterward, a couple other women, there was a woman whose son, somebody had planted pot on her son's wheelchair. And then he went to jail and he had to be turned at night because he. Oh, my God. Yeah. Because he was not quadriplegic, but terribly dead. Yeah. Yeah. The drug laws were so terrible.
But anyway, my point was, like, just this woman, anyone talk to, it's like your life force is gone. Yeah, like, you just look in this person signs and there's just something that. Yeah, Yeah. My friend's brother, who's going to see his name is Andy. He was in the military and he just shared a joint with some people. And those people that he shared a joint with got busted for stealing. And part of their plea deal was ratting him out, period. Right.
But they got him because he literally handed it to them. It was distribution. So he went to military prison and some appellate lawyer in Washington, DC and a totally different state. It was just reviewing his case and found the discrepancies and that the people who incriminated him had actually done a worse crime and all that. And the prosecutor of him in the first trial took his child and his child and the mother off to like Italy and all that shit was romancing his child's
mother and all this shit. Yes. Oh, my God. So anyway, got the case and it's time he was released. I mean, he's not with us anymore, but before that, his case was overturned, but he was facing all kinds of crazy time. And it was like, how do you mentally recover from that when you were never supposed to be there in the first place? Yeah, And it's a what if a military court, which they're always trying to set an example? I don't know.
I figure that's why they don't want me in the military because I just look, I don't I mean, that's got to be bad for the enemy, right? Don't send him to the front. He looks loaded. That's why I wanted the new driver's license photo is because I look baked in my current one. You could be in the house, you could be in the human shield section. Just giving you a cane and a fucking straw hat, Laura, and send me in a bad, terrible. Don't. How did we get on this shit?
By the way, you were on a Oh, I got out. You were up in arms about our long arms. But Maggie, what was your worst up gig ever? Hmm? Maggie always kills. I mean, sure. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I had one. I had our dying experience because. I block it out. If it's okay, then fine. If you can't think one who's the worst comedian you've ever was. Okay. I don't know his name. That's good. I hosted an open mic for, like, five and a half years, so I know several. Horrible. But one stands out is Guy.
He did several jokes where he would say, like, So I was raping this chick. Oh, my God. It wasn't funny because it's like, horrifying. But then also at the end of his joke, it's like, if you would have just said I was having sex with this chick, the joke might have worked. Yeah. The joke might have made sense. It wouldn't have been horrifying. Like you threw that horrifying shit in because you thought it was edgy and you ruined everything.
Everything? Yeah. So he's probably the worst comedian I've ever seen. Mm hmm. Our friend Carrie Lindo used to run a show. I forget what it was called. What was it? Down to the Lexington. But there was some dude telling a similar joke like that. Gary just takes the money, goes. Nope. And then he kept going. It goes, I said no. And then little Carolyn, my little bird, she's not a loud person. She shot his ass down. Good. Okay. And left the stage. It was hilarious. I love that.
But to answer Laura's question, what is the worst gig? Wait, actually, I can think of one I agreed to do. Someone's party. Oh, she said how much? And I gave her an amount. And she was like, Well, can you do it for so and so amount? Because it's his birthday, which is like where I first fucked up. I should've been like, No, I don't care about. Yeah, this is I don't know him. And so it did. My said she wanted me to like roast him some so roasted him a little bit.
But I think she thought that I was going to like, roast him a lot for it. And it's like one. I don't know, you know, nice little I guess he likes cats and jazz or whatever he wrote in the email, but also like, don't get someone who doesn't know you and doesn't care about you to roast you. Yeah. Adam Because I could just go off the, you know, the rails and just really embarrass everybody. They it'd be funny, but it would be really like, that's not something that you want to necessarily do.
And then at the end of the show, she wrote me a check, but she wrote it short. But she was like, I have to write it short. Or like she gave me cash and shorted me with the cash. So it's like all of that. And she double didn't pay me what I want. You know, I've seen you roast people jewelry at a party. Christina Parrish was in town. Oh, yeah? And there's the asinine dude. They got into it. He said one thing to Christina, and Maggie swooped in and just. Trying to put her down.
He was like, Oh, well, I work at this. And I wrote this movie with so-and-so. And, you know, Christina, she writes movies. It's, you know, she does a great job. He's hilarious. And she said something and he was trying to, like, diminish her and whatnot. And I was just like, hold up, Kyle. You don't talk to her. You don't know who she is. Yeah, I don't know who you are. Like, who the hell cares what you think you wrote? And then let me go to IMDB right now and see if it checks out.
I left the room and went and fuck and long winded talk to someone on a balcony and had a drink and two drinks and came back in to get another drink. And Maggie was still going with this guy. Nobody had moved. Everyone was still holding their position at the kitchen counter. And I remember looking at Christina, I think, being like, Are you all okay? She's like, We're fine. And package just the litany. It was so great. Oh, it's about when you get roasting that gets. What you get. Is beautiful.
That was the same night we actually got because I just passed the street like a couple of months ago where we were recounting the whole thing in the street, you remember, and someone from their house, it's like a fucking character from Beauty and the Beast out the second story window. Like, keep it down. Yeah, yeah. I got like the mom. And then I had the night cap and the gown, like, know, and now it's 430. I think you were like, She is right. Shut up. She's not wrong. Yeah, it was good.
I have to interject about rape jokes. I was. I was just. Just because I want to slam somebody. I was doing punch up on two broke girls, and I kind of took it upon myself to get the rape jokes out. But I think the showrunner thought it was really edgy and so doing punch up on a show like, you know, you film something and then you give it a second try with new jokes and so on. The second try, the showrunner says, Well, I know you don't like that because it's a rape joke. What do you got?
But he said it almost like, Well, you know, I know that's your thing. You don't think rape is funny. You know, like like I'm allergic to cranberries or something. Like, I know you and, you know. You're the one. Mary Ellen. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, okay. Yeah, you're right. Clearly only my brother. Right? Your law with the vegetable option. Exactly. Okay, let me slow everything down and care about women. When this show was that. That was a network show, right? Yeah. Yeah. CBS wasn't. There.
Yeah. And they're still trying to say that. By way, you would think that would be, like, squeaky clean. Yeah, right. In like, your TV work. Did they have to clean up your set or anything for you came in? Not really. You're clean. You're not really, like a filthy comedian. Is that like a rule you try to have? Or do you have any rules that are consistent of like, does that a mindful thing of yours?
Like if I want to, like, put something on television or like have it in a place where I can like have the most possible, you know, serious plays or something? Yeah, that's something I'm going to be mindful of. But I guess in general, I just don't really skew that way. We did a show called Parfait and I was very loosely writing like, Well, we were all writing stuff, but like it would just be like an idea and they'd just like, give it to Maggie, and Maggie would blow it up.
Like, it was really fun to do sketches with you because I think you're really natural in that environment. Well, thank you. You came out here to pursue acting as well, or just whatever comedy brings you. Acting to just anything funny. Yeah. You are dramatic. I'll cry for money. Yeah, You like to. I mean, you do sketch comedy as well that's something that you. Yeah, but you write that sometimes. Yeah. Do you audition for commercials and all that stuff?
Mm hmm. Okay. I'm so. I have makeup on right now. I had a self tape that I. Do a brand. Oh, my God. Did you get that? There's an email that they're like, self tapes are here to stay. I was like, Man, I fucking hate that. I want to humiliate myself in a room full of people alone. Yeah, on my phone. I want to walk out in front of all the people who have an audition. Didn't have to have, like, a brave smile for that.
You know, you just ate ass in there and you're like, And it's still not going to get it. My favorite is the one actor who says Break legs. All right, I want to strangle that person. Right? There's always one. Yeah. Yeah. There's like, the actor. Actor. They're really nice. Yeah, they're really nice. Yeah. Yeah, they were to me anyway. Yeah, they give the the next people a review of the atmosphere in the room. Yeah. Oh, my God. See, I find everybody. That one. What's that?
Have fun, everybody. Oh, yeah. Any of that. Although I did see that I cut out of the show last night. I was at a club in Burbank and I was like, third on the list. And I flew out of there. Right. Like, as soon as they did my thing, I go by everybody. And one of the greens goes, Oh. You're kidding me. Yes. Like, I was like, Am I supposed to stick around and watch? I have to go home and get in bed? Yeah. Immediately.
I think I got to start putting bedding in my truck so I can just do that, maybe return to the venue or get hot. Haven't we done that together? Yeah. Yeah. Tailgating. We had that. Pre-party. Thing, so it isn't about Have you ever done that? We did. That. That was one of my favorite memories is we were singing karaoke with a group of friends and at the same time, but I think Maggie leaned over was like, This party needs something. So we go to the we go to like CVS. I walk out with you guys
and we buy a shit ton of candy. Yes. And then like, sparkly grape juice and like Andre champagne. Oh. And we were going to cran. Grape. Juice. Cran grape juice, Yes. And we were going to jack up the party inside. But when we came back with all this candy and toys and boozer people as the group was karaoke ing, that's what friends are for. So we got to walk in the room, were like, That's what friends are for. Oh, that's my favorite I. Showed up with, though. Cran Grape Champs.
Yes, those are the best. That's also when I discovered that a really good group song is Mariah Carey O Holy Night. It's not a Christmas song. No, it is, but doesn't matter. So like Mariah Carey and like dramatic that it will, like, inspire. Do you karaoke? No. Can you sing? No. Have you ever tried? Yes. You don't like it? I know. I'm not going to make you say I can sing. If I'm. Kind of trying to do an impression, I can kind of. A little bit. Okay. But other than that.
You got real quiet on that. I No, but that's because it's something I want to do. I wish I really could sing. I wish you could take lessons. You have such a velvety voice that all you would have to do is just talk. Oh, you. Know, I told you hypnotize. I listened back to you reading your poetry. We need you to read the whole poem. Oh, that was so awful. Why don't you write poetry in high school? We would be okay. I still.
I have a notebook of, like, poetry that I wrote and, like, different accounts. I still have it with me, and I look through it sometimes, like, Wow, I really thought. I was gonna write. Oh. I look back, I think. I can't believe I lived. I was so. Depressed. Yeah, but yeah, yeah. Laura's was about car crash. Crash mine was about a ghost in a graveyard or love. And the words are between a boy and a girl. So I was very. I was very binary. What were you writing about?
Just random, like, existential stuff that I thought that I came up with. Myself and. I was just like, Oh, my gosh, is it? And it's like you're talking about the categorical imperative, like. Oh, hey, what are you talking about? But it's all just like, Oh my gosh, you never know what's going on behind someone's eyes. And there's like a lot of, like, depressed and like, thinking that I had come up with. It's just it's. She tried her best. Yeah. She, she needed the outlet.
I yeah I wrote in secret mine was various secretive and there was a hutch right. With all the dishes in it that had like a skeleton key or like a key I guess. But yeah, I would lock mine in there. All dramatic. Wow. And I'd like, wait, we're no one to look. And then I'd get my poetry out, and. Right. I was hoping some, like, Prince would find it. I mean, I'd like to sleep with the killer on my wrist and shit. Yeah, well, I. Yeah, you did. You wasn't going to find yours.
Well, no, but my mom always did. No matter what, she would find it and read it. And I even put something in there like, you know, you. Might say. Like, my mom is a Snoopy bitch if she's looking at this. Really? What? I mean, Yeah. Oh. But you want to. You want to competition and you were. And they read. It. Oh, that was in high school. It was a Spanish competition. Oh that. Oh no, no. Right. I also Yeah. That was like a and what the fun question. What's the Spanish competition.
Oh yeah. I was in the Spanish class. We went to Fredonia State College for a competition and I read a poem in Spanish, and I won. What? Where's that poem. Laura? I remember what it's called. It was called loosely Boss of the Olive Trees. What was it about? Olive trees. Really? It's this very cameo of you writing about olive trees. Where you in Algiers during the war? No, it was an olive tree. It was. It was a poem that had already been written.
I mean, I was just reading this famous Spanish poem. I mean, I didn't know what it was. I was just, you know. I see. I had an I had to memorize the Spanish. Poem. Not that not the Van Gogh painting. Have you read Kimo a Happy Death? No, he's just fucking in Algiers in olive trees. Oh, he's like a Laura Kightlinger poem. Oh, I like that. I was going to say we should all try to write a poem in Spanish for the next show. That's your challenge. Okay. We have to write about fucking.
Olives and Maggie, when you come back, we have to hear your high school poem. Oh, I'll bring the notebook. Okay, Well, here's the thing. I remember having a friend or like a couple of friends read of the poems, and they were just like, Why did this happen? Why is this? And I was like. Oh, I know you read ours to each other. That was agony. I was years were years were good. No, I had huge anxiety in that moment. We should come back and do it again. Okay. Because I know I more poems.
You do too, Maggie. Let's do a plug. Are you going out and performing anywhere soon? You're working. People find you. Oh, what's your special call? Did you. Have you gone to all that and named it and everything? You haven't quite 100% landed on? It's something I'm just kind of honing in. Have you been in Montana now? It's really pretty, but I would be terrified to do stand up there. I can imagine. Oh, shoot. I'm going to be in San Diego next week. Yes. Oh, well, take take me shitting on.
No, it might be that way. It might not be that way. For. For, you know. Everyone. But just like, go in liking Trump. Maggie That's it. Yeah. Going on is Trump is being set up. Yeah. And then a 12 minute applause break. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. And that's their time to get. Carried out by them. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is a San Diego is open to interpretation. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's part of the delusion, because I'll be like, doing a set.
And if they're not enjoying it, be like, Oh, that one guy like that. Yeah. I do a set now that says Fagot all the time and it's born out of the last time I went in San Diego and I followed some fucking old MAGA dude, and I'm always thinking in me. But he was like, That was his whole shtick was I'm the world's worst nightmare. He goes, I say, he says, like I say, fagot. And everybody laughed. And then he was like, I say, the N-word, but just to friends and family. But he abbreviated the N-word.
I was like, Have some fucking. Balls because. I had to go back, you know, and like, you know, balance out his fucking rhetoric and be like, I was trying to get an audience on my side who would laughed at the opener, who did about 10 minutes on like autism. Oh, God. Without being autistic. I don't know. Have fun is Diego Maggie. I have a great fagot that I mean fucking time. Yeah, Things are going. Thank you so much. Fine. Exquisite work. Oh, yeah. We're going. To meet.
I don't think it's at a club. It's called The Bad, Bad Show. I don't have a location for it. I think it's a secret location. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm doing a couple of those secret shows next week where they don't really tell you where it's going to be. Okay, You got to show up to somewhere. Yeah, it sounds suspicious, but at the end of it, there's a paycheck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I did one in San Diego with a gym, actually. Man, that's always in a gym.
Nothing makes me feel more comedy and a bunch of people getting sweaty and laughing in a gym. Oh, yeah. This is so bacterial. The whole thing. Yeah, right. But they're great audiences. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. Oh, well, so that'll be fun. I performed at a surfing store in, like, Huntington Beach or some shit. I was like, Wow, this crowd is lit. Like, I don't know when I'm ever going to be back at this surfing store again, but it was a biomass club. Yeah. Okay.
Well, we're going to see. Yeah, we'll find. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Thank you. Bye.